1 Samuel Recap

 I actually enjoyed reading this book, although you wouldn't think so seeings how long it took.

So we start this book with the familiar tale of a barren woman,married to an old man. We know she is the infertile one in the relationship as there is another wife with children. There is no mention whether these children look more like “uncle Abu Ben Fucker” or their “father”

After “visiting” the local priest and his sons, the barren wife is found unconscious as if drunken and then the following day miraculously conceives as she does after every following annual visit.

The legitimate sons of Eli the priest are greedy and known for taking whatever they fancy.

Eli takes her first-born under his wing and teaches him the priestly duties as he did with his own sons.

As the years go by young Sam hears de lard whispering sweet nothings as he spends nights staying with his grandad mentor.

We then get into a war with the Philistines with a smattering of prophesy and fables thrown in to blame the pasting the Israelites get on Eli and his sons that are all dead after the battle. Eli died after falling off his chair.

During this battle the Philistines capture the fabled ark the Israelites are apparently more upset about losing their magic box than they are about losing their friends and relatives.

The Philistines are struck with piles, supposedly as a punishment from de lard. Strange how after proving himself by being a pain in their collective arses they do not bow down and worship him. The result of this, is for the Philistines utilising the foremost science and medicine of the time. Throw the ark, accompanied by some mice and haemorrhoids made of gold into a cart drawn by some ex heifer's, then release them. I wonder whether that's where the phrase “Having piles of gold come from.”

The cows take the Ark to the Levites who upon receipt of de lards box are rewarded by de lards gratitude with 50,000 dead.(20,000)more than those that died when they lost the Ark). We must however remember maths are not the scribes strong point.

Twenty years down the line Sam still has his invisible friend and decides the Israelites must stop worshipping Baalim(gods) and Ashteroth(Mrs de lard) To do this he calls all the Israelites together. The Philistines would have seized this opportunity to finish them off but Sam called up the power of de lard by butchering a lamb so de lard would scare them with a thunderstorm.

Sam is promoted to seer and sees himself as king, something the people do not want, strangely enough, de lard agrees with them.

Enter Saul from stage left. Saul is taken under Sam’s wing and chosen to be king. The relationship between Sam and Saul seems to be more than just friends. Even so Saul manages to father Johnathan.

Saul settles into his kingly role and starts to antagonize the Philistines the narrative seems to lose the plot and any grasp of mathematics when reporting skirmishes.

We then get into a couple of incidents that involve de omniscient one admitting to lack of fore sight and mistakes so repenting and changing his mind. Sam dies and Saul, either through grief or just being inept, becomes the crappiest crappy king in crapland.

We then have the David and Goliath tale quickly followed by Jonny and David getting friendly, very friendly. A relationship that Saul disapproves of so much he “gives” him his daughter as a wife. Yet demanding 100 Philistine foreskins as a payment. David killed 200 men to get these???

Saul was not happy with David’s success and wanted to kill him, Johnny made him promise that he would not. A promise as good as de lards, as he tried but David escaped.

He assembles a small band of men and roams Saul follows in two or one encounters David could have killed Saul and didn't. They then have two or one pow wows which ends with Saul admitting he was wrong and allowing David and his merry men to go on their way. They go to the land of the Philistines and get less shit of their”enemies” than they got from their kinsmen. In return he and his men became mercenaries for the philistines but without the philistines softer side.

Saul battles with the Philistines and johnny is killed.

Saul shows his cowardice bravery and lack of dignity by topping himself

To,sum it all up Power, Gay sex Power more gay sex with a shit load of death thrown in.

Deuteronomy 32

¹Give ear, O ye heavens, and I will speak; and hear, O earth, the words of my mouth.

²My doctrine shall drop as the rain, my speech shall distil as the dew, as the small rain upon the tender herb, and as the showers upon the grass:

He was right there....Just like the rain, it is polluted with human detritus.

³Because I will publish the name of the LORD: ascribe ye greatness unto our God.

⁴He is the Rock, his work is perfect: for all his ways are judgment: a God of truth and without iniquity, just and right is he.

Has the meaning of these words changed or would a lawsuit be applicable under the current trading standards, citing false advertising ?

⁵They have corrupted themselves, their spot is not the spot of his children: they are a perverse and crooked generation.

Is this just what we now call the generation gap ? Part of the natural child/parent rejection process. Any good parents will watch their offspring make mistakes they advised against,ready to help pick up the pieces when they go tits up,or congratulate them when they succeed. Only poor parents will disown their children for going against their wishes.

⁶Do ye thus requite the LORD, O foolish people and unwise? is not he thy father that hath bought thee? hath he not made thee, and established thee?

An interesting choice of word here........RE-QUITE

–verb (used with object), -quit⋅ed, -quit⋅ing. 1. to make repayment or return for (service, benefits, etc.). 2. to make retaliation for (a wrong, injury, etc.); avenge. 3. to make return to (a person, group, etc.) for service, benefits, etc. 4. to retaliate on (a person, group, etc.) for a wrong, injury, etc. 5. to give or do in return.

So is it revenge or repay ?

7Remember the days of old, consider the years of many generations: ask thy father, and he will shew thee; thy elders, and they will tell thee.

⁸When the Most High divided to the nations their inheritance, when he separated the sons of Adam, he set the bounds of the people according to the number of the children of Israel.

So, what does that actually mean ? Separated which sons of Adam from what ?

Could it possibly mean, separated from the rest of humanity ? Seems I was right when I pointed out that gen:1:27 states god created man AND women in one foul swoop and later in gen:2:7 created Adam. He got him to name all living things, which must have taken years.Then made a clone of Adam(Steve) gen2:21 then gave Steve a sex change.

⁹For the LORD's portion is his people; Jacob is the lot of his inheritance.

¹⁰He found him in a desert land, and in the waste howling wilderness; he led him about, he instructed him, he kept him as the apple of his eye.

¹¹As an eagle stirreth up her nest, fluttereth over her young, spreadeth abroad her wings, taketh them, beareth them on her wings:

¹²So the LORD alone did lead him, and there was no strange god with him.

Verse 4 stated "god of truth" and yet there is no mention of Jacob being lost. There are however hints of delirium.

¹³He made him ride on the high places of the earth, that he might eat the increase of the fields; and he made him to suck honey out of the rock, and oil out of the flinty rock;

I would like to see a geological explanation of that........Anybody ?

¹⁴Butter of kine, and milk of sheep, with fat of lambs, and rams of the breed of Bashan, and goats, with the fat of kidneys of wheat; and thou didst drink the pure blood of the grape.

delard is really crap at biology

¹⁵But Jeshurun waxed fat, and kicked: thou art waxen fat, thou art grown thick, thou art covered with fatness; then he forsook God which made him, and lightly esteemed the Rock of his salvation.

¹⁶They provoked him to jealousy with strange gods, with abominations provoked they him to anger.

Most humans recognise jealousy as a destructive emotion that stems from feelings of inadequacy, an emotion that needs to be controlled. Why does a being who is allegedly so powerful suffer from it so much ?

¹⁷They sacrificed unto devils, not to God; to gods whom they knew not, to new gods that came newly up, whom your fathers feared not.

¹⁸Of the Rock that begat thee thou art unmindful, and hast forgotten God that formed thee.

¹⁹And when the LORD saw it, he abhorred them, because of the provoking of his sons, and of his daughters.

²⁰And he said, I will hide my face from them, I will see what their end shall be: for they are a very froward generation, children in whom is no faith.

²¹They have moved me to jealousy with that which is not God; they have provoked me to anger with their vanities: and I will move them to jealousy with those which are not a people; I will provoke them to anger with a foolish nation.

²²For a fire is kindled in mine anger, and shall burn unto the lowest hell, and shall consume the earth with her increase, and set on fire the foundations of the mountains.

²³I will heap mischiefs upon them; I will spend mine arrows upon them.

²⁴They shall be burnt with hunger, and devoured with burning heat, and with bitter destruction: I will also send the teeth of beasts upon them, with the poison of serpents of the dust.

²⁵The sword without, and terror within, shall destroy both the young man and the virgin, the suckling also with the man of gray hairs.

²⁶I said, I would scatter them into corners, I would make the remembrance of them to cease from among men:

²⁷Were it not that I feared the wrath of the enemy, lest their adversaries should behave themselves strangely, and lest they should say, Our hand is high, and the LORD hath not done all this.

²⁸For they are a nation void of counsel, neither is there any understanding in them.

²⁹O that they were wise, that they understood this, that they would consider their latter end!

³⁰How should one chase a thousand, and two put ten thousand to flight, except their Rock had sold them, and the LORD had shut them up?

³¹For their rock is not as our Rock, even our enemies themselves being judges.

³²For their vine is of the vine of Sodom, and of the fields of Gomorrah: their grapes are grapes of gall, their clusters are bitter:

³³Their wine is the poison of dragons, and the cruel venom of asps.

³⁴Is not this laid up in store with me, and sealed up among my treasures?

³⁵To me belongeth vengeance and recompence; their foot shall slide in due time: for the day of their calamity is at hand, and the things that shall come upon them make haste.

³⁶For the LORD shall judge his people, and repent himself for his servants, when he seeth that their power is gone, and there is none shut up, or left.

³⁷And he shall say, Where are their gods, their rock in whom they trusted,

³⁸Which did eat the fat of their sacrifices, and drank the wine of their drink offerings? let them rise up and help you, and be your protection.

³⁹See now that I, even I, am he, and there is no god with me: I kill, and I make alive; I wound, and I heal: neither is there any that can deliver out of my hand.

⁴⁰For I lift up my hand to heaven, and say, I live for ever.

⁴¹If I whet my glittering sword, and mine hand take hold on judgment; I will render vengeance to mine enemies, and will reward them that hate me.

⁴²I will make mine arrows drunk with blood, and my sword shall devour flesh; and that with the blood of the slain and of the captives, from the beginning of revenges upon the enemy.

⁴³Rejoice, O ye nations, with his people: for he will avenge the blood of his servants, and will render vengeance to his adversaries, and will be merciful unto his land, and to his people.

⁴⁴And Moses came and spake all the words of this song in the ears of the people, he, and Hoshea the son of Nun.

⁴⁵And Moses made an end of speaking all these words to all Israel:

⁴⁶And he said unto them, Set your hearts unto all the words which I testify among you this day, which ye shall command your children to observe to do, all the words of this law.

⁴⁷For it is not a vain thing for you; because it is your life: and through this thing ye shall prolong your days in the land, whither ye go over Jordan to possess it.

⁴⁸And the LORD spake unto Moses that selfsame day, saying,

⁴⁹Get thee up into this mountain Abarim, unto mount Nebo, which is in the land of Moab, that is over against Jericho; and behold the land of Canaan, which I give unto the children of Israel for a possession:

⁵⁰And die in the mount whither thou goest up, and be gathered unto thy people; as Aaron thy brother died in mount Hor, and was gathered unto his people:

⁵¹Because ye trespassed against me among the children of Israel at the waters of MeribahKadesh, in the wilderness of Zin; because ye sanctified me not in the midst of the children of Israel.

⁵²Yet thou shalt see the land before thee; but thou shalt not go thither unto the land which I give the children of Israel.

I wonder whether this chapter is actually the "Song of Moses" mentioned in the last chapter.

Numbers 12

¹And Miriam and Aaron spake against Moses because of the Ethiopian woman whom he had married: for he had married an Ethiopian woman.

Aaron is complaining ? Fucking a goat with god is OK for him, but marrying an Ethiopian woman is something to complain about. It's just jealousy that's all, because theres one thing guaranteed from an Ethiopian ...they will always swallow.

²And they said, Hath the LORD indeed spoken only by Moses? hath he not spoken also by us? And the LORD heard it.

"Spoken BY us" not spoken TO us..... That about sums it up

³(Now the man Moses was very meek, above all the men which were upon the face of the earth.)

Meek....MEEK.....has the meaning of meek changed ? Moses has been shown to be tyrannical,bull headed, forceful even batshit crazy but meek, where or when the fuck did that happen ?

⁴And the LORD spake suddenly unto Moses, and unto Aaron, and unto Miriam, Come out ye three unto the tabernacle of the congregation. And they three came out.

So god has suddenly lowered his standards and started talking to a woman?Is this the same Miriam we were introduced to in exodus ?Or is Miriam a general phrase like "Sheila" in modern day Australia

⁵And the LORD came down in the pillar of the cloud, and stood in the door of the tabernacle, and called Aaron and Miriam: and they both came forth.

Are women allowed in the big tent ? How come god has ignored women since Eve went against her god given nature and questioned gods logic and then disobeyed him and all of a sudden is on first name terms with a woman who may or may not be Moses and Aarons sister ?

⁶And he said, Hear now my words: If there be a prophet among you, I the LORD will make myself known unto him in a vision, and will speak unto him in a dream.

A direct conversion is to much trouble then, has the cost of pyrotechnics gone up.

Also note god say's "him"

⁷My servant Moses is not so, who is faithful in all mine house.

So Moses is not a prophet... more of a profit I suppose.

⁸With him will I speak mouth to mouth, even apparently, and not in dark speeches; and the similitude of the LORD shall he behold: wherefore then were ye not afraid to speak against my servant Moses?

⁹And the anger of the LORD was kindled against them; and he departed.

¹⁰And the cloud departed from off the tabernacle; and, behold, Miriam became leprous, white as snow: and Aaron looked upon Miriam, and, behold, she was leprous.

Ah ! I see, she is the "token" previously unknown member of the cast.

¹¹And Aaron said unto Moses, Alas, my lord, I beseech thee, lay not the sin upon us, wherein we have done foolishly, and wherein we have sinned.

¹²Let her not be as one dead, of whom the flesh is half consumed when he cometh out of his mother's womb.

¹³And Moses cried unto the LORD, saying, Heal her now, O God, I beseech thee.

¹⁴And the LORD said unto Moses, If her father had but spit in her face, should she not be ashamed seven days? let her be shut out from the camp seven days, and after that let her be received in again.

¹⁵And Miriam was shut out from the camp seven days: and the people journeyed not till Miriam was brought in again.

So brought into the script and cursed then healed .....will she become a regular member of the cast we shall see.

¹⁶And afterward the people removed from Hazeroth, and pitched in the wilderness of Paran.

Leviticus Recap

We have seen Moses really starting to lay down the law,or laws. Some things seem to be genuinely for the good of the people, but many seem to be out and out fund raisers for the fledgeling priesthood. The remainder just a list of "aint it awfuls" setting down behavioural concepts of things that really do have nothing to do with anyone apart from the people doing it.

We have seen the literal beginning of the judaeo-christian need to "put their women in their place", and the definitive beginning of homophobia.
We begin to see plans for the dividing up of a land that was unfortunate enough to have the semi- nomadic Abraham move through centuries earlier, giving these un-homed refugees a reason to usurp the people already dwelling there.


This whole episode takes what may have been,an original spurt towards an ideal for a better life, to a very different level. The god illusion that was used as a vehicle to gain the trust and give direction has now stepped up a level and has taken control. Moses is now speaking solely for god, Jethro seems to finally have dropped completely out of the picture. The last suggestion of him iterated in a dubious liaison with the still grieving Aaron. Shortly before god Moses laying down the laws of getting laid.



On top of this well of subjugation,intolerance and repression time again has proved the so called god of Moses as not omnipotent or omniscient. Begging the question why after all these years these texts are still being taken as the literal truth and proof of some divine loving creator. An entity that if did exist is fuelled by pain, jealousy and suffering.


An entity that is given power by millions of fools, basking in their god's glow to give pride and reason to thier irrational fears and prejudices.

Fools that when on occasion they doubt their beliefs go to the pastor/priest who knows he must convince the doubtful they are wrong or the golden goose stops laying.

When will people wake up and see then, as is now the only beneficiaries of this con ARE the priesthood and the church.

Exodus 18

Exodus 18

¹When Jethro, the priest of Midian, Moses' father in law, heard of all that God had done for Moses, and for Israel his people, and that the LORD had brought Israel out of Egypt;

²Then Jethro, Moses' father in law, took Zipporah, Moses' wife, after he had sent her back,

So staying with Jethro as the name of Zipporah's father not Ruel as he was first introduced into the story.

³And her two sons; of which the name of the one was Gershom; for he said, I have been an alien in a strange land:

⁴And the name of the other was Eliezer; for the God of my father, said he, was mine help, and delivered me from the sword of Pharaoh:

⁵And Jethro, Moses' father in law, came with his sons and his wife unto Moses into the wilderness, where he encamped at the mount of God:

So Pharaoh with all his resources as ruler of Egypt was unable to find Moses and the runaways but Jethro came straight to him.

Two minor points

1. Perhaps Pharoah was glad to get rid of the hebrews and their constant complaining.

2. Could Jethro not have used his unerring sense of direction to lead the Israelites to where they needed to be ?

⁶And he said unto Moses, I thy father in law Jethro am come unto thee, and thy wife, and her two sons with her.

⁷And Moses went out to meet his father in law, and did obeisance, and kissed him; and they asked each other of their welfare; and they came into the tent.

⁸And Moses told his father in law all that the LORD had done unto Pharaoh and to the Egyptians for Israel's sake, and all the travail that had come upon them by the way, and how the LORD delivered them.

⁹And Jethro rejoiced for all the goodness which the LORD had done to Israel, whom he had delivered out of the hand of the Egyptians.

Goodness ?

Is this some archaic meaning of the word that I am unaware of ?

Well it would explain the phrase "god is good" I suppose.

¹⁰And Jethro said, Blessed be the LORD, who hath delivered you out of the hand of the Egyptians, and out of the hand of Pharaoh, who hath delivered the people from under the hand of the Egyptians.

¹¹Now I know that the LORD is greater than all gods: for in the thing wherein they dealt proudly he was above them.

Greater than all gods......or perhaps they were all busy doing more important things like running the universe, visiting Eccentrica Galumbits or preparing the Earth for the arrival of the great Douglas_Adams. The true eventuall saviour of mankind.

¹²And Jethro, Moses' father in law, took a burnt offering and sacrifices for God: and Aaron came, and all the elders of Israel, to eat bread with Moses' father in law before God.

No thought about giving food to real people though.

¹³And it came to pass on the morrow, that Moses sat to judge the people: and the people stood by Moses from the morning unto the evening.

I Will bet the murmerings went something like this

Fuck off big nose!

I told you we should have stoned the cunt.

We could still stone the cunt

But the cunt is the only cunt who knows where we are going, so we can't stone the cunt. Wait till we get there, then we can stone the cunt!

Yeh but all I am sayin' is .......

.../we should've stoned the cunt.

¹⁴And when Moses' father in law saw all that he did to the people, he said, What is this thing that thou doest to the people? why sittest thou thyself alone, and all the people stand by thee from morning unto even?

¹⁵And Moses said unto his father in law, Because the people come unto me to enquire of God:

¹⁶When they have a matter, they come unto me; and I judge between one and another, and I do make them know the statutes of God, and his laws.

¹⁷And Moses' father in law said unto him, The thing that thou doest is not good.

Which is another way of saying...

...Sort yourself out you cunt or they'll stone you

¹⁸Thou wilt surely wear away, both thou, and this people that is with thee: for this thing is too heavy for thee; thou art not able to perform it thyself alone.

¹⁹Hearken now unto my voice, I will give thee counsel, and God shall be with thee: Be thou for the people to God-ward, that thou mayest bring the causes unto God:

²⁰And thou shalt teach them ordinances and laws, and shalt shew them the way wherein they must walk, and the work that they must do.

Ordinance and laws.. they're either escaped slaves/prisoners or refugees

They are hungry, thirsty hated by all around them and are led by a raving mad man, who now wants them to obey the laws of his imaginary freind. No doubt he will start punishing them for disobeying rules he has not made up yet.

²¹Moreover thou shalt provide out of all the people able men, such as fear God, men of truth, hating covetousness; and place such over them, to be rulers of thousands, and rulers of hundreds, rulers of fifties, and rulers of tens:

That will exclude the Abrahmic line then.

²²And let them judge the people at all seasons: and it shall be, that every great matter they shall bring unto thee, but every small matter they shall judge: so shall it be easier for thyself, and they shall bear the burden with thee.

Yes that's just what any refugees need a bunch of holier than thou"aint it awfulls"

²³If thou shalt do this thing, and God command thee so, then thou shalt be able to endure, and all this people shall also go to their place in peace.

²⁴So Moses hearkened to the voice of his father in law, and did all that he had said.

Now Jethrop is speaking for god......Midianite Preist.......?

Now just an observation.... not at all suggesting it's fact... but a little thought just entered my head..... Was it not unknown for some preists to rule behind puppet rulers they had hoodwinked with sleight of hand and simple parlour tricks, where was Jethro when Moses was philosophizing with a shrubbery? Of course it is sheer coincidence that Jethro knew exactly where to find them.

²⁵And Moses chose able men out of all Israel, and made them heads over the people, rulers of thousands, rulers of hundreds, rulers of fifties, and rulers of tens.

²⁶And they judged the people at all seasons: the hard causes they brought unto Moses, but every small matter they judged themselves.

²⁷And Moses let his father in law depart; and he went his way into his own land.

Honest !

Exodus 15

Exodus 15

¹Then sang Moses and the children of Israel this song unto the LORD, and spake, saying, I will sing unto the LORD, for he hath triumphed gloriously: the horse and his rider hath he thrown into the sea.

Oh wow it's an answered prayer

Still said today by god botherer's when things go their way as to the more usually said "It is the will of god", or" god works in mysterious ways". when things don't go their way

²The LORD is my strength and song, and he is become my salvation: he is my God, and I will prepare him an habitation; my father's God, and I will exalt him.

Still said today especially just before the collection plate goes round.

³The LORD is a man of war: the LORD is his name.

Not a god of peace and love then

⁴Pharaoh's chariots and his host hath he cast into the sea: his chosen captains also are drowned in the Red sea.

Red sea ?

⁵The depths have covered them: they sank into the bottom as a stone.

⁶Thy right hand, O LORD, is become glorious in power: thy right hand, O LORD, hath dashed in pieces the enemy.

⁷And in the greatness of thine excellency thou hast overthrown them that rose up against thee: thou sentest forth thy wrath, which consumed them as stubble.

Did they not burn stubble ?

⁸And with the blast of thy nostrils the waters were gathered together, the floods stood upright as an heap, and the depths were congealed in the heart of the sea.

⁹The enemy said, I will pursue, I will overtake, I will divide the spoil; my lust shall be satisfied upon them; I will draw my sword, my hand shall destroy them.

¹⁰Thou didst blow with thy wind, the sea covered them: they sank as lead in the mighty waters.

¹¹Who is like unto thee, O LORD, among the gods? who is like thee, glorious in holiness, fearful in praises, doing wonders?

Still not the only one then perhaps the other gods aren't demented sadistic cunts.

¹²Thou stretchedst out thy right hand, the earth swallowed them.

¹³Thou in thy mercy hast led forth the people which thou hast redeemed: thou hast guided them in thy strength unto thy holy habitation.

¹⁴The people shall hear, and be afraid: sorrow shall take hold on the inhabitants of Palestina.

¹⁵Then the dukes of Edom shall be amazed; the mighty men of Moab, trembling shall take hold upon them; all the inhabitants of Canaan shall melt away.

Poor old Moses it's all been a bit much for him. His already tentative grasp on reality has gone off for a well earned rest. He has completely gone off hiss rocker.

¹⁶Fear and dread shall fall upon them; by the greatness of thine arm they shall be as still as a stone; till thy people pass over, O LORD, till the people pass over, which thou hast purchased.

Ummm!

Was there a selling of slaves, or ransome paid where did they mention that ?

¹⁷Thou shalt bring them in, and plant them in the mountain of thine inheritance, in the place, O LORD, which thou hast made for thee to dwell in, in the Sanctuary, O LORD, which thy hands have established.

¹⁸The LORD shall reign for ever and ever.

Or until the human race grows up and comes to it's senses.

¹⁹For the horse of Pharaoh went in with his chariots and with his horsemen into the sea, and the LORD brought again the waters of the sea upon them; but the children of Israel went on dry land in the midst of the sea.

²⁰And Miriam the prophetess, the sister of Aaron, took a timbrel in her hand; and all the women went out after her with timbrels and with dances.

²¹And Miriam answered them, Sing ye to the LORD, for he hath triumphed gloriously; the horse and his rider hath he thrown into the sea.

²²So Moses brought Israel from the Red sea, and they went out into the wilderness of Shur; and they went three days in the wilderness, and found no water.

Well that lasted well didn't it? Is there no beginning to gods power ?

²³And when they came to Marah, they could not drink of the waters of Marah, for they were bitter: therefore the name of it was called Marah.

²⁴And the people murmured against Moses, saying, What shall we drink?

So they left the beer of egypt and rather than go to palastine directly they go the other way towards africa. They must have a deity that really knows what he wants.

²⁵And he cried unto the LORD; and the LORD shewed him a tree, which when he had cast into the waters, the waters were made sweet: there he made for them a statute and an ordinance, and there he proved them,

²⁶And said, If thou wilt diligently hearken to the voice of the LORD thy God, and wilt do that which is right in his sight, and wilt give ear to his commandments, and keep all his statutes, I will put none of these diseases upon thee, which I have brought upon the Egyptians: for I am the LORD that healeth thee.

Since that time no jew has suffered illness pain or injustice thus proving the existance of god ,his honesty and his love.......

²⁷And they came to Elim, where were twelve wells of water, and threescore and ten palm trees: and they encamped there by the waters.

Theres that twelve and seven-ty again

Exodus 5

Exodus 5

¹And afterward Moses and Aaron went in, and told Pharaoh, Thus saith the LORD God of Israel, Let my people go, that they may hold a feast unto me in the wilderness.

Not let my people go because you are treating them like shit, but because they have to celebrate in the wilderness...... showing your love for what it is again.

²And Pharaoh said, Who is the LORD, that I should obey his voice to let Israel go? I know not the LORD, neither will I let Israel go.
³And they said, The God of the Hebrews hath met with us: let us go, we pray thee, three days' journey into the desert, and sacrifice unto the LORD our God; lest he fall upon us with pestilence, or with the sword.

Theres that love again.... Let us do it or we will be punished for something that is not our fault!

⁴And the king of Egypt said unto them, Wherefore do ye, Moses and Aaron, let the people from their works? get you unto your burdens.
⁵And Pharaoh said, Behold, the people of the land now are many, and ye make them rest from their burdens.
⁶And Pharaoh commanded the same day the taskmasters of the people, and their officers, saying,
⁷Ye shall no more give the people straw to make brick, as heretofore: let them go and gather straw for themselves.

Ok ! What is wrong with these people would it not make more sense to remove the troublemakers from the equation, imprisonment, execution or the old Sumarian tradition, exile.

⁸And the tale of the bricks, which they did make heretofore, ye shall lay upon them; ye shall not diminish ought thereof: for they be idle; therefore they cry, saying, Let us go and sacrifice to our God.
⁹Let there more work be laid upon the men, that they may labour therein; and let them not regard vain words.
¹⁰And the taskmasters of the people went out, and their officers, and they spake to the people, saying, Thus saith Pharaoh, I will not give you straw.
¹¹Go ye, get you straw where ye can find it: yet not ought of your work shall be diminished.
¹²So the people were scattered abroad throughout all the land of Egypt to gather stubble instead of straw.
¹³And the taskmasters hasted them, saying, Fulfil your works, your daily tasks, as when there was straw.
¹⁴And the officers of the children of Israel, which Pharaoh's taskmasters had set over them, were beaten, and demanded, Wherefore have ye not fulfilled your task in making brick both yesterday and to day, as heretofore?

How is it that a civilization that was able to survive for so long could be this stupid ?

¹⁵Then the officers of the children of Israel came and cried unto Pharaoh, saying, Wherefore dealest thou thus with thy servants?
¹⁶There is no straw given unto thy servants, and they say to us, Make brick: and, behold, thy servants are beaten; but the fault is in thine own people.

Seems to be a recurrent theme pick on the Hebrews for something that is not their fault, or perhaps there is a reason.

Just a thought, but knowing their family history of disloyalty,lieing, cheating , stealing and general untrustworthiness, is it possible they were imprisoned with forced labour for criminal activities?

¹⁷But he said, Ye are idle, ye are idle: therefore ye say, Let us go and do sacrifice to the LORD.
¹⁸Go therefore now, and work; for there shall no straw be given you, yet shall ye deliver the tale of bricks.
¹⁹And the officers of the children of Israel did see that they were in evil case, after it was said, Ye shall not minish ought from your bricks of your daily task.
²⁰And they met Moses and Aaron, who stood in the way, as they came forth from Pharaoh:
²¹And they said unto them, The LORD look upon you, and judge; because ye have made our savour to be abhorred in the eyes of Pharaoh, and in the eyes of his servants, to put a sword in their hand to slay us.

Looking at modern day Palastine/Israel I find it difficult to believe that they wouldn't just rip them apart.

²²And Moses returned unto the LORD, and said, LORD, wherefore hast thou so evil entreated this people? why is it that thou hast sent me?

"Because my son you are a deluded gullible fool"

²³For since I came to Pharaoh to speak in thy name, he hath done evil to this people; neither hast thou delivered thy people at all.

Exodus 3

Exodus 3

¹Now Moses kept the flock of Jethro his father in law, the priest of Midian: and he led the flock to the backside of the desert, and came to the mountain of God, even to Horeb.

Now I know the family relationships so far are pretty fucked up, but it is only a few short lines since the introduction of the girls father the priest, and his name was Reuel. Now it is Jethro. Is the scribe as forgetful as god ?

²And the angel of the LORD appeared unto him in a flame of fire out of the midst of a bush: and he looked, and, behold, the bush burned with fire, and the bush was not consumed.

³And Moses said, I will now turn aside, and see this great sight, why the bush is not burnt.

⁴And when the LORD saw that he turned aside to see, God called unto him out of the midst of the bush, and said, Moses, Moses. And he said, Here am I.

⁵And he said, Draw not nigh hither: put off thy shoes from off thy feet, for the place whereon thou standest is holy ground.

Is he hallucinating as has recently been suggested?

or is some one just fucking with him?

⁶Moreover he said, I am the God of thy father, the God of Abraham, the God of Isaac, and the God of Jacob. And Moses hid his face; for he was afraid to look upon God.

Yep! Showing the family trait of having no balls.

⁷And the LORD said, I have surely seen the affliction of my people which are in Egypt, and have heard their cry by reason of their taskmasters; for I know their sorrows;

So the all powerful all mighty almighty has since he managed to notice his favourite family are having a hard time, has....
...Sat back and watched.

⁸And I am come down to deliver them out of the hand of the Egyptians, and to bring them up out of that land unto a good land and a large, unto a land flowing with milk and honey; unto the place of the Canaanites, and the Hittites, and the Amorites, and the Perizzites, and the Hivites, and the Jebusites.

Which is a couple of weeks walk away from Egypt.

⁹Now therefore, behold, the cry of the children of Israel is come unto me: and I have also seen the oppression wherewith the Egyptians oppress them.
¹⁰Come now therefore, and I will send thee unto Pharaoh, that thou mayest bring forth my people the children of Israel out of Egypt.
¹¹And Moses said unto God, Who am I, that I should go unto Pharaoh, and that I should bring forth the children of Israel out of Egypt?

Who indeed ?

¹²And he said, Certainly I will be with thee; and this shall be a token unto thee, that I have sent thee: When thou hast brought forth the people out of Egypt, ye shall serve God upon this mountain.

Multiple personality disorder anyone ?

¹³And Moses said unto God, Behold, when I come unto the children of Israel, and shall say unto them, The God of your fathers hath sent me unto you; and they shall say to me, What is his name? what shall I say unto them?
¹⁴And God said unto Moses, I AM THAT I AM: and he said, Thus shalt thou say unto the children of Israel, I AM hath sent me unto you.

Now he's fucking Popeye.

perhaps that's why he went to mount olive...yuk yuk yuk yuk

¹⁵And God said moreover unto Moses, Thus shalt thou say unto the children of Israel, the LORD God of your fathers, the God of Abraham, the God of Isaac, and the God of Jacob, hath sent me unto you: this is my name for ever, and this is my memorial unto all generations.
¹⁶Go, and gather the elders of Israel together, and say unto them, The LORD God of your fathers, the God of Abraham, of Isaac, and of Jacob, appeared unto me, saying, I have surely visited you, and seen that which is done to you in Egypt:
¹⁷And I have said, I will bring you up out of the affliction of Egypt unto the land of the Canaanites, and the Hittites, and the Amorites, and the Perizzites, and the Hivites, and the Jebusites, unto a land flowing with milk and honey.

Is the milk reference another Hindu connection ?

¹⁸And they shall hearken to thy voice: and thou shalt come, thou and the elders of Israel, unto the king of Egypt, and ye shall say unto him, The LORD God of the Hebrews hath met with us: and now let us go, we beseech thee, three days' journey into the wilderness, that we may sacrifice to the LORD our God.
¹⁹And I am sure that the king of Egypt will not let you go, no, not by a mighty hand.
²⁰And I will stretch out my hand, and smite Egypt with all my wonders which I will do in the midst thereof: and after that he will let you go.
²¹And I will give this people favour in the sight of the Egyptians: and it shall come to pass, that, when ye go, ye shall not go empty.²²But every woman shall borrow of her neighbour, and of her that sojourneth in her house, jewels of silver, and jewels of gold, and raiment: and ye shall put them upon your sons, and upon your daughters; and ye shall spoil the Egyptians.

Seems a lot of messing around for an entity that could allegedly transport the Hebrews elsewhere or just kill the Egyptians

Answers in Genesis

Fuck me I nearly slashed my wrist's, the fucking tedium of trawling through what amounts to a couple of fairy tales loosely cobbled together with lists of people that today would be locked away in a soft walled cell.
Answers in genesis, are there any? Yes! Shocked, don't be, the answers in genesis, are the answers to the following questions.

1. Did some people in ancient Canaan spend too much time in the sun ?
   
2. Did they sit around campfires getting shitfaced telling each other bullshit stories ?
   
3. Were they averse to some man on man loving ?
   
4. Were Wives and Daughters equal in status to livestock ?
   
5. Was it Ok to whore out the said Wives, Daughters and Widows of family members ?
   
6. Was killing an unwanted suitor acceptable practice ?
   
7. Is incest acceptable in polite society?
8. Is the Idea of god the product of a seriously deranged imagination ?
9. Could you get, feed and keep specimens of the worlds animal population in your local kwik E mart for ten month's ?
10. Has modern science discovered anything that some uneducated camel shagger may not of been aware of 6,000 years ago ?
11. Was there an astrological base for the judean /christian/islamic/mormon mythos ?
    

If these are the questions you are asking yes the answers are there. If however your questions are where did the universe/man/animals etc. come from. then you are as bat shit crazy as the lunatic family we have just been reading about.