1 Samuel 21

 ¹Then came David to Nob to Ahimelech the priest: and Ahimelech was afraid at the meeting of David, and said unto him, Why art thou alone, and no man with thee? 

 I shall resist all the Nob jokes that flooded my mind

 

 ²And David said unto Ahimelech the priest, The king hath commanded me a business, and hath said unto me, Let no man know any thing of the business whereabout I send thee, and what I have commanded thee: and I have appointed my servants to such and such a place.

 ³Now therefore what is under thine hand? give me five loaves of bread in mine hand, or what there is present. 

 

 ⁴And the priest answered David, and said, There is no common bread under mine hand, but there is hallowed bread; if the young men have kept themselves at least from women.

 So hallowed bread is ok " if the young men have kept themselves at least from women. " implying not keeping themselves from men is Ok!

 ⁵And David answered the priest, and said unto him, Of a truth women have been kept from us about these three days, since I came out, and the vessels of the young men are holy, and the bread is in a manner common, yea, though it were sanctified this day in the vessel. 

The N I V. has no mention of three days

5 David replied, “Indeed women have been kept from us, as usual whenever[ b] I set out. The men’s bodies are holy even on missions that are not holy. How much more so today!” 6 So the priest gave him the consecrated bread, since there was no bread there except the bread of the Presence that had been removed from before the LORD and replaced by hot bread on the day it was taken away. 

  ⁶So the priest gave him hallowed bread: for there was no bread there but the shewbread, that was taken from before the LORD, to put hot bread in the day when it was taken away. 

Again more than a subtle implication David and his men kept away from women.

 ⁷Now a certain man of the servants of Saul was there that day, detained before the LORD; and his name was Doeg, an Edomite, the chiefest of the herdmen that belonged to Saul. 

 ⁸And David said unto Ahimelech, And is there not here under thine hand spear or sword? for I have neither brought my sword nor my weapons with me, because the king's business required haste.

So what does Doeg have to do with anything?  Perhaps he is just a"previously unknown member of the cast"?

 ⁹And the priest said, The sword of Goliath the Philistine, whom thou slewest in the valley of Elah, behold, it is here wrapped in a cloth behind the ephod: if thou wilt take that, take it: for there is no other save that here. And David said, There is none like that; give it me. 

 ¹⁰And David arose and fled that day for fear of Saul, and went to Achish the king of Gath. 

 ¹¹And the servants of Achish said unto him, Is not this David the king of the land? did they not sing one to another of him in dances, saying, Saul hath slain his thousands, and David his ten thousands? 

 ¹²And David laid up these words in his heart, and was sore afraid of Achish the king of Gath.

David the "king", the man with de lard at his side is afraid.........

 ¹³And he changed his behaviour before them, and feigned himself mad in their hands, and scrabbled on the doors of the gate, and let his spittle fall down upon his beard.

Seems he was terrified, so terrified he appeared irrational.

 ¹⁴Then said Achish unto his servants, Lo, ye see the man is mad: wherefore then have ye brought him to me? 

 ¹⁵Have I need of mad men, that ye have brought this fellow to play the mad man in my presence? shall this fellow come into my house?

Numbers 6

¹And the LORD spake unto Moses, saying,

²Speak unto the children of Israel, and say unto them, When either man or woman shall separate themselves to vow a vow of a Nazarite, to separate themselves unto the LORD:

Nazerite a word that you would think meant coming from Nazereth but actually means taking an vow of abstinence, I believe it literally means "little fish"

³He shall separate himself from wine and strong drink, and shall drink no vinegar of wine, or vinegar of strong drink, neither shall he drink any liquor of grapes, nor eat moist grapes, or dried.

Well I won't be doing any of that.....

⁴All the days of his separation shall he eat nothing that is made of the vine tree, from the kernels even to the husk.

Seems to make "holy communion" a kind of misnomer does it not

⁵All the days of the vow of his separation there shall no razor come upon his head: until the days be fulfilled, in the which he separateth himself unto the LORD, he shall be holy, and shall let the locks of the hair of his head grow.

There are many orders that permanently have shaven heads. Most others have neat well groomed hair

⁶All the days that he separateth himself unto the LORD he shall come at no dead body.

How many preists,pastors vicars etc. observe this one. In my experience the use death as a means of getting an extra service in, usually pointing outthe benefits in believing their bulshit and glossing over the dead persons life before sending round the collection plate.Made more profitable with a good dose of guilt.

⁷He shall not make himself unclean for his father, or for his mother, for his brother, or for his sister, when they die: because the consecration of his God is upon his head.

⁸All the days of his separation he is holy unto the LORD.

Sort of points out how far these parasites really are from their god, almost as if they believe in him as much as I do.

⁹And if any man die very suddenly by him, and he hath defiled the head of his consecration; then he shall shave his head in the day of his cleansing, on the seventh day shall he shave it.

¹⁰And on the eighth day he shall bring two turtles, or two young pigeons, to the priest, to the door of the tabernacle of the congregation:

¹¹And the priest shall offer the one for a sin offering, and the other for a burnt offering, and make an atonement for him, for that he sinned by the dead, and shall hallow his head that same day.

¹²And he shall consecrate unto the LORD the days of his separation, and shall bring a lamb of the first year for a trespass offering: but the days that were before shall be lost, because his separation was defiled.

¹³And this is the law of the Nazarite, when the days of his separation are fulfilled: he shall be brought unto the door of the tabernacle of the congregation:

¹⁴And he shall offer his offering unto the LORD, one he lamb of the first year without blemish for a burnt offering, and one ewe lamb of the first year without blemish for a sin offering, and one ram without blemish for peace offerings,

¹⁵And a basket of unleavened bread, cakes of fine flour mingled with oil, and wafers of unleavened bread anointed with oil, and their meat offering, and their drink offerings.

¹⁶And the priest shall bring them before the LORD, and shall offer his sin offering, and his burnt offering:

¹⁷And he shall offer the ram for a sacrifice of peace offerings unto the LORD, with the basket of unleavened bread: the priest shall offer also his meat offering, and his drink offering.

¹⁸And the Nazarite shall shave the head of his separation at the door of the tabernacle of the congregation, and shall take the hair of the head of his separation, and put it in the fire which is under the sacrifice of the peace offerings.

¹⁹And the priest shall take the sodden shoulder of the ram, and one unleavened cake out of the basket, and one unleavened wafer, and shall put them upon the hands of the Nazarite, after the hair of his separation is shaven:

²⁰And the priest shall wave them for a wave offering before the LORD: this is holy for the priest, with the wave breast and heave shoulder: and after that the Nazarite may drink wine.

²¹This is the law of the Nazarite who hath vowed, and of his offering unto the LORD for his separation, beside that that his hand shall get: according to the vow which he vowed, so he must do after the law of his separation.

And yet again here is a law you must follow, but if you fuck up you can buy your way out ????

²²And the LORD spake unto Moses, saying,

²³Speak unto Aaron and unto his sons, saying, On this wise ye shall bless the children of Israel, saying unto them,

²⁴The LORD bless thee, and keep thee:

²⁵The LORD make his face shine upon thee, and be gracious unto thee:

²⁶The LORD lift up his countenance upon thee, and give thee peace.

²⁷And they shall put my name upon the children of Israel, and I will bless them.

Exodus 16

Exodus 16

¹And they took their journey from Elim, and all the congregation of the children of Israel came unto the wilderness of Sin, which is between Elim and Sinai, on the fifteenth day of the second month after their departing out of the land of Egypt.

And I thought I dwelt in sin

But if you really want to find out about sin go here and here

So no nudies there then. Dissapointed, It seems sin is taken from the moon god or a family name of a some times ruling family of the ancients in Mesopotamia it may relate in some way to the temple prostitution culture prevalent back then and if it does it underlines the sexual inadaquacy of Abraham and his family.

²And the whole congregation of the children of Israel murmured against Moses and Aaron in the wilderness:

No shit. They may have been worked hard in egypt they may have had more than an occasional beating, but they were not starving, they were not wandering aimlessly in unfamiliar terrirtory uprooted from the only life they had known.

³And the children of Israel said unto them, Would to God we had died by the hand of the LORD in the land of Egypt, when we sat by the flesh pots, and when we did eat bread to the full; for ye have brought us forth into this wilderness, to kill this whole assembly with hunger.

⁴Then said the LORD unto Moses, Behold, I will rain bread from heaven for you; and the people shall go out and gather a certain rate every day, that I may prove them, whether they will walk in my law, or no.

Oh! Rather than perform an actual useful miracle god is going to make them work for it to prove his undying and unlimited love.

⁵And it shall come to pass, that on the sixth day they shall prepare that which they bring in; and it shall be twice as much as they gather daily.

⁶And Moses and Aaron said unto all the children of Israel, At even, then ye shall know that the LORD hath brought you out from the land of Egypt:

⁷And in the morning, then ye shall see the glory of the LORD; for that he heareth your murmurings against the LORD: and what are we, that ye murmur against us?

⁸And Moses said, This shall be, when the LORD shall give you in the evening flesh to eat, and in the morning bread to the fulll; for that the LORD heareth your murmurings which ye murmur against him: and what are we? your murmurings are not against us, but against the LORD.

Flesh at night ,bread in the morning, shit, why didn,t he come at noon and dish out meat sammiches. And notice too, the subtle passing of the buck. No no it's not our fault you were dumb enough to follow us it's de lawds doing.

⁹And Moses spake unto Aaron, Say unto all the congregation of the children of Israel, Come near before the LORD: for he hath heard your murmurings.

¹⁰And it came to pass, as Aaron spake unto the whole congregation of the children of Israel, that they looked toward the wilderness, and, behold, the glory of the LORD appeared in the cloud.

¹¹And the LORD spake unto Moses, saying,

¹²I have heard the murmurings of the children of Israel: speak unto them, saying, At even ye shall eat flesh, and in the morning ye shall be filled with bread; and ye shall know that I am the LORD your God.

¹³And it came to pass, that at even the quails came up, and covered the camp: and in the morning the dew lay round about the host.

¹⁴And when the dew that lay was gone up, behold, upon the face of the wilderness there lay a small round thing, as small as the hoar frost on the ground.

¹⁵And when the children of Israel saw it, they said one to another, It is manna: for they wist not what it was. And Moses said unto them, This is the bread which the LORD hath given you to eat.

I was always told bread god said bread Moses say's bread wiki gives numerous possibillities one can be found here in more detail but from verse 13 I would say it was quails shit.

¹⁶This is the thing which the LORD hath commanded, Gather of it every man according to his eating, an omer for every man, according to the number of your persons; take ye every man for them which are in his tents.

¹⁷And the children of Israel did so, and gathered, some more, some less.

¹⁸And when they did mete it with an omer, he that gathered much had nothing over, and he that gathered little had no lack; they gathered every man according to his eating.

¹⁹And Moses said, Let no man leave of it till the morning.

²⁰Notwithstanding they hearkened not unto Moses; but some of them left of it until the morning, and it bred worms, and stank: and Moses was wroth with them.

That to me is a clue that whatever it was it wasn't bread.

²¹And they gathered it every morning, every man according to his eating: and when the sun waxed hot, it melted.

²²And it came to pass, that on the sixth day they gathered twice as much bread, two omers for one man: and all the rulers of the congregation came and told Moses.

²³And he said unto them, This is that which the LORD hath said, To morrow is the rest of the holy sabbath unto the LORD: bake that which ye will bake to day, and seethe that ye will seethe; and that which remaineth over lay up for you to be kept until the morning.

²⁴And they laid it up till the morning, as Moses bade: and it did not stink, neither was there any worm therein.

What a miracle wow ,hang on read it again. Yes they baked it before storing ,no miracle there.

²⁵And Moses said, Eat that to day; for to day is a sabbath unto the LORD: to day ye shall not find it in the field.

²⁶Six days ye shall gather it; but on the seventh day, which is the sabbath, in it there shall be none.

²⁷And it came to pass, that there went out some of the people on the seventh day for to gather, and they found none.

²⁸And the LORD said unto Moses, How long refuse ye to keep my commandments and my laws?

²⁹See, for that the LORD hath given you the sabbath, therefore he giveth you on the sixth day the bread of two days; abide ye every man in his place, let no man go out of his place on the seventh day.

³⁰So the people rested on the seventh day.

I don't know about you but to me there's alot of difference between rest and house arrest.

³¹And the house of Israel called the name thereof Manna: and it was like coriander seed, white; and the taste of it was like wafers made with honey.

³²And Moses said, This is the thing which the LORD commandeth, Fill an omer of it to be kept for your generations; that they may see the bread wherewith I have fed you in the wilderness, when I brought you forth from the land of Egypt.

³³And Moses said unto Aaron, Take a pot, and put an omer full of manna therein, and lay it up before the LORD, to be kept for your generations.

³⁴As the LORD commanded Moses, so Aaron laid it up before the Testimony, to be kept.

³⁵And the children of Israel did eat manna forty years, until they came to a land inhabited; they did eat manna, until they came unto the borders of the land of Canaan.

What ?

Cast your mind back. Now Jacob travelled from Canaan to Ur the long way round, Moses and his exaggerated entourage are taking forty years to travel a third of the distance that Jacob did in a matter of weeks. Come on that is either some seriously bad map reading or yet again some one some where has injected a little bit of bullshit into the story.

Or it just means in rememberance of the journey, they ate the baked/preserved manna in a ritualised manner till it ran out, possibly echoed in the eucharist today

³⁶Now an omer is the tenth part of an ephah.

Genesis 40

Genesis 40

¹And it came to pass after these things, that the butler of the king of Egypt and his baker had offended their lord the king of Egypt.
The king found out how the butler was giving a helping "hand" to the baker,and how they were putting the holes in bagels.
²And Pharaoh was wroth against two of his officers, against the chief of the butlers, and against the chief of the bakers.
I have a sudden urge to point out that some translations say cup-bearer not butler.
³And he put them in ward in the house of the captain of the guard, into the prison, the place where Joseph was bound.
⁴And the captain of the guard charged Joseph with them, and he served them: and they continued a season in ward.
Is this a reference to prison rape ? and today's word is spitroast.
⁵And they dreamed a dream both of them, each man his dream in one night, each man according to the interpretation of his dream, the butler and the baker of the king of Egypt, which were bound in the prison.
⁶And Joseph came in unto them in the morning, and looked upon them, and, behold, they were sad.
No shit! They have lost their cushy jobs and are in prison not knowing if and when they are going to get out.
⁷And he asked Pharaoh's officers that were with him in the ward of his lord's house, saying, Wherefore look ye so sadly to day?
Always looking for a con.
⁸And they said unto him, We have dreamed a dream, and there is no interpreter of it. And Joseph said unto them, Do not interpretations belong to God? tell me them, I pray you.
⁹And the chief butler told his dream to Joseph, and said to him, In my dream, behold, a vine was before me;
¹⁰And in the vine were three branches: and it was as though it budded, and her blossoms shot forth; and the clusters thereof brought forth ripe grapes:
¹¹And Pharaoh's cup was in my hand: and I took the grapes, and pressed them into Pharaoh's cup, and I gave the cup into Pharaoh's hand.
¹²And Joseph said unto him, This is the interpretation of it: The three branches are three days:
¹³Yet within three days shall Pharaoh lift up thine head, and restore thee unto thy place: and thou shalt deliver Pharaoh's cup into his hand, after the former manner when thou wast his butler.
¹⁴But think on me when it shall be well with thee, and shew kindness, I pray thee, unto me, and make mention of me unto Pharaoh, and bring me out of this house:
See always looking for an angle.
¹⁵For indeed I was stolen away out of the land of the Hebrews: and here also have I done nothing that they should put me into the dungeon.
Nothing apart from attempted rape.
¹⁶When the chief baker saw that the interpretation was good, he said unto Joseph, I also was in my dream, and, behold, I had three white baskets on my head:
¹⁷And in the uppermost basket there was of all manner of bakemeats for Pharaoh; and the birds did eat them out of the basket upon my head.
¹⁸And Joseph answered and said, This is the interpretation thereof: The three baskets are three days:
¹⁹Yet within three days shall Pharaoh lift up thy head from off thee, and shall hang thee on a tree; and the birds shall eat thy flesh from off thee.
That's sure to cheer him up.Especially as other translations have impaled.
I can't help but notice these two prisoners have jobs working with the products of the alleged trees of life and knowledge.
²⁰And it came to pass the third day, which was Pharaoh's birthday, that he made a feast unto all his servants: and he lifted up the head of the chief butler and of the chief baker among his servants.

²¹And he restored the chief butler unto his butlership again; and he gave the cup into Pharaoh's hand:
²²But he hanged the chief baker: as Joseph had interpreted to them.
²³Yet did not the chief butler remember Joseph, but forgat him.