Numbers 18

¹And the LORD said unto Aaron, Thou and thy sons and thy father's house with thee shall bear the iniquity of the sanctuary: and thou and thy sons with thee shall bear the iniquity of your priesthood.

So Moses is allowing Aaron to speak to god without a chaperone perhaps as long as there is no goat.

²And thy brethren also of the tribe of Levi, the tribe of thy father, bring thou with thee, that they may be joined unto thee, and minister unto thee: but thou and thy sons with thee shall minister before the tabernacle of witness.

³And they shall keep thy charge, and the charge of all the tabernacle: only they shall not come nigh the vessels of the sanctuary and the altar, that neither they, nor ye also, die.

⁴And they shall be joined unto thee, and keep the charge of the tabernacle of the congregation, for all the service of the tabernacle: and a stranger shall not come nigh unto you.

⁵And ye shall keep the charge of the sanctuary, and the charge of the altar: that there be no wrath any more upon the children of Israel.

Another of de lawds great prophesies not worth a castrated wank with the world condemnation for their recent actions.

⁶And I, behold, I have taken your brethren the Levites from among the children of Israel: to you they are given as a gift for the LORD, to do the service of the tabernacle of the congregation.

So Moses god didn't kill ALL the levites just the ones who disagreed with him

⁷Therefore thou and thy sons with thee shall keep your priest's office for everything of the altar, and within the vail; and ye shall serve: I have given your priest's office unto you as a service of gift: and the stranger that cometh nigh shall be put to death.

I am sure that they were supposed to be nice to strangers

⁸And the LORD spake unto Aaron, Behold, I also have given thee the charge of mine heave offerings of all the hallowed things of the children of Israel; unto thee have I given them by reason of the anointing, and to thy sons, by an ordinance for ever.

So now their parasitical position that they have been making the most of is now sanctified by god

⁹This shall be thine of the most holy things, reserved from the fire: every oblation of their's, every meat offering of their's, and every sin offering of their's, and every trespass offering of their's which they shall render unto me, shall be most holy for thee and for thy sons.

¹⁰In the most holy place shalt thou eat it; every male shall eat it: it shall be holy unto thee.

So "the most holy place shalt thou eat" is either a euphemism for cunnilingus or the big Tent as I thought is being used as a mess hall.

¹¹And this is thine; the heave offering of their gift, with all the wave offerings of the children of Israel: I have given them unto thee, and to thy sons and to thy daughters with thee, by a statute for ever: every one that is clean in thy house shall eat of it.

¹²All the best of the oil, and all the best of the wine, and of the wheat, the firstfruits of them which they shall offer unto the LORD, them have I given thee.

¹³And whatsoever is first ripe in the land, which they shall bring unto the LORD, shall be thine; every one that is clean in thine house shall eat of it.

¹⁴Every thing devoted in Israel shall be thine.

¹⁵Every thing that openeth the matrix in all flesh, which they bring unto the LORD, whether it be of men or beasts, shall be thine: nevertheless the firstborn of man shalt thou surely redeem, and the firstling of unclean beasts shalt thou redeem.

Is this implying man is unclean........You dirty, dirty boy !

¹⁶And those that are to be redeemed from a month old shalt thou redeem, according to thine estimation, for the money of five shekels, after the shekel of the sanctuary, which is twenty gerahs.

¹⁷But the firstling of a cow, or the firstling of a sheep, or the firstling of a goat, thou shalt not redeem; they are holy: thou shalt sprinkle their blood upon the altar, and shalt burn their fat for an offering made by fire, for a sweet savour unto the LORD.

¹⁸And the flesh of them shall be thine, as the wave breast and as the right shoulder are thine.

¹⁹All the heave offerings of the holy things, which the children of Israel offer unto the LORD, have I given thee, and thy sons and thy daughters with thee, by a statute for ever: it is a covenant of salt for ever before the LORD unto thee and to thy seed with thee.

²⁰And the LORD spake unto Aaron, Thou shalt have no inheritance in their land, neither shalt thou have any part among them: I am thy part and thine inheritance among the children of Israel.

²¹And, behold, I have given the children of Levi all the tenth in Israel for an inheritance, for their service which they serve, even the service of the tabernacle of the congregation.

²²Neither must the children of Israel henceforth come nigh the tabernacle of the congregation, lest they bear sin, and die.

²³But the Levites shall do the service of the tabernacle of the congregation, and they shall bear their iniquity: it shall be a statute for ever throughout your generations, that among the children of Israel they have no inheritance.

²⁴But the tithes of the children of Israel, which they offer as an heave offering unto the LORD, I have given to the Levites to inherit: therefore I have said unto them, Among the children of Israel they shall have no inheritance.

One tenth seems a bit steep seeings how there is no utilities or any infrastructure of anykind but then just as you are thinking de lawd and his minions have finally clicked on to the obvious precept that a so called imaginary "spiritual" being does not need gold, food or any other trappings of the wealthy or for that matter living beings.He comes out with this......²⁵And the LORD spake unto Moses, saying,

²⁶Thus speak unto the Levites, and say unto them, When ye take of the children of Israel the tithes which I have given you from them for your inheritance, then ye shall offer up an heave offering of it for the LORD, even a tenth part of the tithe.

²⁷And this your heave offering shall be reckoned unto you, as though it were the corn of the threshingfloor, and as the fulness of the winepress.

²⁸Thus ye also shall offer an heave offering unto the LORD of all your tithes, which ye receive of the children of Israel; and ye shall give thereof the LORD'S heave offering to Aaron the priest.

²⁹Out of all your gifts ye shall offer every heave offering of the LORD, of all the best thereof, even the hallowed part thereof out of it.

³⁰Therefore thou shalt say unto them, When ye have heaved the best thereof from it, then it shall be counted unto the Levites as the increase of the threshingfloor, and as the increase of the winepress.

³¹And ye shall eat it in every place, ye and your households: for it is your reward for your service in the tabernacle of the congregation.

³²And ye shall bear no sin by reason of it, when ye have heaved from it the best of it: neither shall ye pollute the holy things of the children of Israel, lest ye die.


I cannot claim to be a great mathematician by any means however something becomes immediately apparent and it MUST be true it's in the bible. The preisthood takes 10% of everyones earnings, this enables them to live, become incredibly rich.They then give 10% of that to god. This means god only wants 1% of the inital wealth.
So when certain branches of the judeo-christian are demanding de lawds tenth, they are lying,
de lawd only wants a one th
I'll bet they are more interested in thier ninth.

Numbers 12

¹And Miriam and Aaron spake against Moses because of the Ethiopian woman whom he had married: for he had married an Ethiopian woman.

Aaron is complaining ? Fucking a goat with god is OK for him, but marrying an Ethiopian woman is something to complain about. It's just jealousy that's all, because theres one thing guaranteed from an Ethiopian ...they will always swallow.

²And they said, Hath the LORD indeed spoken only by Moses? hath he not spoken also by us? And the LORD heard it.

"Spoken BY us" not spoken TO us..... That about sums it up

³(Now the man Moses was very meek, above all the men which were upon the face of the earth.)

Meek....MEEK.....has the meaning of meek changed ? Moses has been shown to be tyrannical,bull headed, forceful even batshit crazy but meek, where or when the fuck did that happen ?

⁴And the LORD spake suddenly unto Moses, and unto Aaron, and unto Miriam, Come out ye three unto the tabernacle of the congregation. And they three came out.

So god has suddenly lowered his standards and started talking to a woman?Is this the same Miriam we were introduced to in exodus ?Or is Miriam a general phrase like "Sheila" in modern day Australia

⁵And the LORD came down in the pillar of the cloud, and stood in the door of the tabernacle, and called Aaron and Miriam: and they both came forth.

Are women allowed in the big tent ? How come god has ignored women since Eve went against her god given nature and questioned gods logic and then disobeyed him and all of a sudden is on first name terms with a woman who may or may not be Moses and Aarons sister ?

⁶And he said, Hear now my words: If there be a prophet among you, I the LORD will make myself known unto him in a vision, and will speak unto him in a dream.

A direct conversion is to much trouble then, has the cost of pyrotechnics gone up.

Also note god say's "him"

⁷My servant Moses is not so, who is faithful in all mine house.

So Moses is not a prophet... more of a profit I suppose.

⁸With him will I speak mouth to mouth, even apparently, and not in dark speeches; and the similitude of the LORD shall he behold: wherefore then were ye not afraid to speak against my servant Moses?

⁹And the anger of the LORD was kindled against them; and he departed.

¹⁰And the cloud departed from off the tabernacle; and, behold, Miriam became leprous, white as snow: and Aaron looked upon Miriam, and, behold, she was leprous.

Ah ! I see, she is the "token" previously unknown member of the cast.

¹¹And Aaron said unto Moses, Alas, my lord, I beseech thee, lay not the sin upon us, wherein we have done foolishly, and wherein we have sinned.

¹²Let her not be as one dead, of whom the flesh is half consumed when he cometh out of his mother's womb.

¹³And Moses cried unto the LORD, saying, Heal her now, O God, I beseech thee.

¹⁴And the LORD said unto Moses, If her father had but spit in her face, should she not be ashamed seven days? let her be shut out from the camp seven days, and after that let her be received in again.

¹⁵And Miriam was shut out from the camp seven days: and the people journeyed not till Miriam was brought in again.

So brought into the script and cursed then healed .....will she become a regular member of the cast we shall see.

¹⁶And afterward the people removed from Hazeroth, and pitched in the wilderness of Paran.

Numbers 1

So we start the alleged fourth book of Moses, known as Numbers,or should it be Numb err's. I am certainly numb after Leviticus.

¹And the LORD spake unto Moses in the wilderness of Sinai, in the tabernacle of the congregation, on the first day of the second month, in the second year after they were come out of the land of Egypt, saying,

Fourteen months since the exodus. You have to admire him to have achieved so much, he must be one of the best con artists in history, and he's not finished yet.

²Take ye the sum of all the congregation of the children of Israel, after their families, by the house of their fathers, with the number of their names, every male by their polls;

Take a census

³From twenty years old and upward, all that are able to go forth to war in Israel: thou and Aaron shall number them by their armies.

Form an Army ??

⁴And with you there shall be a man of every tribe; every one head of the house of his fathers.

⁵And these are the names of the men that shall stand with you: of the tribe of Reuben; Elizur the son of Shedeur.

⁶Of Simeon; Shelumiel the son of Zurishaddai.

⁷Of Judah; Nahshon the son of Amminadab.

⁸Of Issachar; Nethaneel the son of Zuar.

⁹Of Zebulun; Eliab the son of Helon.

¹⁰Of the children of Joseph: of Ephraim; Elishama the son of Ammihud: of Manasseh; Gamaliel the son of Pedahzur.

¹¹Of Benjamin; Abidan the son of Gideoni.

¹²Of Dan; Ahiezer the son of Ammishaddai.

¹³Of Asher; Pagiel the son of Ocran.

¹⁴Of Gad; Eliasaph the son of Deuel.

¹⁵Of Naphtali; Ahira the son of Enan.

¹⁶These were the renowned of the congregation, princes of the tribes of their fathers, heads of thousands in Israel.

Has there been another exodus from those that did exodus ? We were told there were 6 million now it is only thousands.

¹⁷And Moses and Aaron took these men which are expressed by their names:

¹⁸And they assembled all the congregation together on the first day of the second month, and they declared their pedigrees after their families, by the house of their fathers, according to the number of the names, from twenty years old and upward, by their polls.

¹⁹As the LORD commanded Moses, so he numbered them in the wilderness of Sinai.

²⁰And the children of Reuben, Israel's eldest son, by their generations, after their families, by the house of their fathers, according to the number of the names, by their polls, every male from twenty years old and upward, all that were able to go forth to war;

²¹Those that were numbered of them, even of the tribe of Reuben, were forty and six thousand and five hundred.

²²Of the children of Simeon, by their generations, after their families, by the house of their fathers, those that were numbered of them, according to the number of the names, by their polls, every male from twenty years old and upward, all that were able to go forth to war;

²³Those that were numbered of them, even of the tribe of Simeon, were fifty and nine thousand and three hundred.

²⁴Of the children of Gad, by their generations, after their families, by the house of their fathers, according to the number of the names, from twenty years old and upward, all that were able to go forth to war;

²⁵Those that were numbered of them, even of the tribe of Gad, were forty and five thousand six hundred and fifty.

²⁶Of the children of Judah, by their generations, after their families, by the house of their fathers, according to the number of the names, from twenty years old and upward, all that were able to go forth to war;

²⁷Those that were numbered of them, even of the tribe of Judah, were threescore and fourteen thousand and six hundred.

²⁸Of the children of Issachar, by their generations, after their families, by the house of their fathers, according to the number of the names, from twenty years old and upward, all that were able to go forth to war;

²⁹Those that were numbered of them, even of the tribe of Issachar, were fifty and four thousand and four hundred.

³⁰Of the children of Zebulun, by their generations, after their families, by the house of their fathers, according to the number of the names, from twenty years old and upward, all that were able to go forth to war;

³¹Those that were numbered of them, even of the tribe of Zebulun, were fifty and seven thousand and four hundred.

³²Of the children of Joseph, namely, of the children of Ephraim, by their generations, after their families, by the house of their fathers, according to the number of the names, from twenty years old and upward, all that were able to go forth to war;

³³Those that were numbered of them, even of the tribe of Ephraim, were forty thousand and five hundred.

³⁴Of the children of Manasseh, by their generations, after their families, by the house of their fathers, according to the number of the names, from twenty years old and upward, all that were able to go forth to war;

³⁵Those that were numbered of them, even of the tribe of Manasseh, were thirty and two thousand and two hundred.

³⁶Of the children of Benjamin, by their generations, after their families, by the house of their fathers, according to the number of the names, from twenty years old and upward, all that were able to go forth to war;

³⁷Those that were numbered of them, even of the tribe of Benjamin, were thirty and five thousand and four hundred.

³⁸Of the children of Dan, by their generations, after their families, by the house of their fathers, according to the number of the names, from twenty years old and upward, all that were able to go forth to war;

³⁹Those that were numbered of them, even of the tribe of Dan, were threescore and two thousand and seven hundred.

⁴⁰Of the children of Asher, by their generations, after their families, by the house of their fathers, according to the number of the names, from twenty years old and upward, all that were able to go forth to war;

⁴¹Those that were numbered of them, even of the tribe of Asher, were forty and one thousand and five hundred.

⁴²Of the children of Naphtali, throughout their generations, after their families, by the house of their fathers, according to the number of the names, from twenty years old and upward, all that were able to go forth to war;

⁴³Those that were numbered of them, even of the tribe of Naphtali, were fifty and three thousand and four hundred.

⁴⁴These are those that were numbered, which Moses and Aaron numbered, and the princes of Israel, being twelve men: each one was for the house of his fathers.

⁴⁵So were all those that were numbered of the children of Israel, by the house of their fathers, from twenty years old and upward, all that were able to go forth to war in Israel;

⁴⁶Even all they that were numbered were six hundred thousand and three thousand and five hundred and fifty.

Wow someone can add up.The thing is the total number of men given in Exodus for the escaping Hebrews was six hundred thousand.Now they have been camped out for fourteen months plus the journey time of three months, But then there's the afore mentioned wandering of forty years. So is this seventeen months down the line or forty one years and five months ?

⁴⁷But the Levites after the tribe of their fathers were not numbered among them.

How many Levites were there ? Why were they considered too important to lower themselves to fighting battles... Oh of course they were the family of Moses and Aaron

⁴⁸For the LORD had spoken unto Moses, saying,

⁴⁹Only thou shalt not number the tribe of Levi, neither take the sum of them among the children of Israel:

⁵⁰But thou shalt appoint the Levites over the tabernacle of testimony, and over all the vessels thereof, and over all things that belong to it: they shall bear the tabernacle, and all the vessels thereof; and they shall minister unto it, and shall encamp round about the tabernacle.

Oh yes they had the more important things do do like polishing all the gold, silver and precios things amassed from the fleecing tithing

⁵¹And when the tabernacle setteth forward, the Levites shall take it down: and when the tabernacle is to be pitched, the Levites shall set it up: and the stranger that cometh nigh shall be put to death.

How many times has god said be nice to strangers ?

⁵²And the children of Israel shall pitch their tents, every man by his own camp, and every man by his own standard, throughout their hosts.

⁵³But the Levites shall pitch round about the tabernacle of testimony, that there be no wrath upon the congregation of the children of Israel: and the Levites shall keep the charge of the tabernacle of testimony.

Ah a big ring of levites around the big tent to keep the peasants away and keep them from seeing and hearing the partying going on inside.

⁵⁴And the children of Israel did according to all that the LORD commanded Moses, so did they.

Leviticus 25

¹And the LORD spake unto Moses in mount Sinai, saying,

²Speak unto the children of Israel, and say unto them, When ye come into the land which I give you, then shall the land keep a sabbath unto the LORD.

³Six years thou shalt sow thy field, and six years thou shalt prune thy vineyard, and gather in the fruit thereof;

⁴But in the seventh year shall be a sabbath of rest unto the land, a sabbath for the LORD: thou shalt neither sow thy field, nor prune thy vineyard.

Fuck me gods having a lucid moment, teaching Moses to get his followere to lay a field fallow and let it rest.

⁵That which groweth of its own accord of thy harvest thou shalt not reap, neither gather the grapes of thy vine undressed: for it is a year of rest unto the land.

⁶And the sabbath of the land shall be meat for you; for thee, and for thy servant, and for thy maid, and for thy hired servant, and for thy stranger that sojourneth with thee.

⁷And for thy cattle, and for the beast that are in thy land, shall all the increase thereof be meat.

⁸And thou shalt number seven sabbaths of years unto thee, seven times seven years; and the space of the seven sabbaths of years shall be unto thee forty and nine years.

⁹Then shalt thou cause the trumpet of the jubile to sound on the tenth day of the seventh month, in the day of atonement shall ye make the trumpet sound throughout all your land.

¹⁰And ye shall hallow the fiftieth year, and proclaim liberty throughout all the land unto all the inhabitants thereof: it shall be a jubile unto you; and ye shall return every man unto his possession, and ye shall return every man unto his family.

¹¹A jubile shall that fiftieth year be unto you: ye shall not sow, neither reap that which groweth of itself in it, nor gather the grapes in it of thy vine undressed.

¹²For it is the jubile; it shall be holy unto you: ye shall eat the increase thereof out of the field.

¹³In the year of this jubile ye shall return every man unto his possession.

¹⁴And if thou sell ought unto thy neighbour, or buyest ought of thy neighbour's hand, ye shall not oppress one another:

¹⁵According to the number of years after the jubile thou shalt buy of thy neighbour, and according unto the number of years of the fruits he shall sell unto thee:

¹⁶According to the multitude of years thou shalt increase the price thereof, and according to the fewness of years thou shalt diminish the price of it: for according to the number of the years of the fruits doth he sell unto thee.

¹⁷Ye shall not therefore oppress one another; but thou shalt fear thy God:for I am the LORD your God.

Why is it those that shout out constantly Leviticus 18:22 never shout out Leviticus 25:17

¹⁸Wherefore ye shall do my statutes, and keep my judgments, and do them; and ye shall dwell in the land in safety.

¹⁹And the land shall yield her fruit, and ye shall eat your fill, and dwell therein in safety.

Yes there is nowhere as safe to live as the West Bank, perhaps we should all move there ?

²⁰And if ye shall say, What shall we eat the seventh year? behold, we shall not sow, nor gather in our increase:

²¹Then I will command my blessing upon you in the sixth year, and it shall bring forth fruit for three years.

Because the weather is so predictable.

²²And ye shall sow the eighth year, and eat yet of old fruit until the ninth year; until her fruits come in ye shall eat of the old store.

So the all powerful one is incapable of preserving peace but can preserve "fruits of the land"......Blessed are the jam makers.

²³The land shall not be sold for ever: for the land is mine, for ye are strangers and sojourners with me.

²⁴And in all the land of your possession ye shall grant a redemption for the land.

²⁵If thy brother be waxen poor, and hath sold away some of his possession, and if any of his kin come to redeem it, then shall he redeem that which his brother sold.

²⁶And if the man have none to redeem it, and himself be able to redeem it;

²⁷Then let him count the years of the sale thereof, and restore the overplus unto the man to whom he sold it; that he may return unto his possession.

²⁸But if he be not able to restore it to him, then that which is sold shall remain in the hand of him that hath bought it until the year of jubile: and in the jubile it shall go out, and he shall return unto his possession.

Ok I had trouble getting my head round this but I checked it against the NLT

²⁴ “With every purchase of land you must grant the seller the right to buy it back. ²⁵ If one of your fellow Israelites falls into poverty and is forced to sell some family land, then a close relative should buy it back for him. ²⁶ If there is no close relative to buy the land, but the person who sold it gets enough money to buy it back, ²⁷ he then has the right to redeem it from the one who bought it. The price of the land will be discounted according to the number of years until the next Year of Jubilee. In this way the original owner can then return to the land.

Got that......

²⁸ But if the original owner cannot afford to buy back the land, it will remain with the new owner until the next Year of Jubilee. In the jubilee year, the land must be returned to the original owners so they can return to their family land.

So they are not buying the land just leasing it hmmm, maybe moses isn't doing so well.......and does "god" get a percentage of the "sale"

²⁹And if a man sell a dwelling house in a walled city, then he may redeem it within a whole year after it is sold; within a full year may he redeem it.

³⁰And if it be not redeemed within the space of a full year, then the house that is in the walled city shall be established for ever to him that bought it throughout his generations: it shall not go out in the jubile.

³¹But the houses of the villages which have no wall round about them shall be counted as the fields of the country: they may be redeemed, and they shall go out in the jubile.

³²Notwithstanding the cities of the Levites, and the houses of the cities of their possession, may the Levites redeem at any time.

³³And if a man purchase of the Levites, then the house that was sold, and the city of his possession, shall go out in the year of jubile: for the houses of the cities of the Levites are their possession among the children of Israel.

³⁴But the field of the suburbs of their cities may not be sold; for it is their perpetual possession.

Again from the NLT

³² “The Levites always have the right to buy back a house they have sold within the towns allotted to them. ³³ And any property that is sold by the Levites—all houses within the Levitical towns—must be returned in the Year of Jubilee. After all, the houses in the towns reserved for the Levites are the only property they own in all Israel. ³⁴ The open pastureland around the Levitical towns may never be sold. It is their permanent possession.

³⁵And if thy brother be waxen poor, and fallen in decay with thee; then thou shalt relieve him: yea, though he be a stranger, or a sojourner; that he may live with thee.

³⁶Take thou no usury of him, or increase: but fear thy God; that thy brother may live with thee.

³⁷Thou shalt not give him thy money upon usury, nor lend him thy victuals for increase.

³⁸I am the LORD your God, which brought you forth out of the land of Egypt, to give you the land of Canaan, and to be your God.

³⁹And if thy brother that dwelleth by thee be waxen poor, and be sold unto thee; thou shalt not compel him to serve as a bondservant:

⁴⁰But as an hired servant, and as a sojourner, he shall be with thee, and shall serve thee unto the year of jubile.

⁴¹And then shall he depart from thee, both he and his children with him, and shall return unto his own family, and unto the possession of his fathers shall he return.

⁴²For they are my servants, which I brought forth out of the land of Egypt: they shall not be sold as bondmen.

⁴³Thou shalt not rule over him with rigour; but shalt fear thy God.

⁴⁴Both thy bondmen, and thy bondmaids, which thou shalt have, shall be of the heathen that are round about you; of them shall ye buy bondmen and bondmaids.

⁴⁵Moreover of the children of the strangers that do sojourn among you, of them shall ye buy, and of their families that are with you, which they begat in your land: and they shall be your possession.

⁴⁶And ye shall take them as an inheritance for your children after you, to inherit them for a possession; they shall be your bondmen for ever: but over your brethren the children of Israel, ye shall not rule one over another with rigour.

⁴⁷And if a sojourner or stranger wax rich by thee, and thy brother that dwelleth by him wax poor, and sell himself unto the stranger or sojourner by thee, or to the stock of the stranger's family:

⁴⁸After that he is sold he may be redeemed again; one of his brethren may redeem him:

⁴⁹Either his uncle, or his uncle's son, may redeem him, or any that is nigh of kin unto him of his family may redeem him; or if he be able, he may redeem himself.

⁵⁰And he shall reckon with him that bought him from the year that he was sold to him unto the year of jubile: and the price of his sale shall be according unto the number of years, according to the time of an hired servant shall it be with him.

⁵¹If there be yet many years behind, according unto them he shall give again the price of his redemption out of the money that he was bought for.

⁵²And if there remain but few years unto the year of jubile, then he shall count with him, and according unto his years shall he give him again the price of his redemption.

⁵³And as a yearly hired servant shall he be with him: and the other shall not rule with rigour over him in thy sight.

⁵⁴And if he be not redeemed in these years, then he shall go out in the year of jubile, both he, and his children with him.

⁵⁵For unto me the children of Israel are servants; they are my servants whom I brought forth out of the land of Egypt: I am the LORD your God.

So you can "buy" land property and people but every 50 years it all reverts back to the original owner....

Leviticus 22

¹And the LORD spake unto Moses, saying,

²Speak unto Aaron and to his sons, that they separate themselves from the holy things of the children of Israel, and that they profane not my holy name in those things which they hallow unto me: I am the LORD.

³Say unto them, Whosoever he be of all your seed among your generations, that goeth unto the holy things, which the children of Israel hallow unto the LORD, having his uncleanness upon him, that soul shall be cut off from my presence: I am the LORD.

⁴What man soever of the seed of Aaron is a leper, or hath a running issue; he shall not eat of the holy things, until he be clean. And whoso toucheth any thing that is unclean by the dead, or a man whose seed goeth from him;

God don't like you if you are a leper,have a runny ....anything or are impotent.

Strange, I would have thought he would have liked impotent men, I would have thought he would be reassured it happened to others.

⁵Or whosoever toucheth any creeping thing, whereby he may be made unclean, or a man of whom he may take uncleanness, whatsoever uncleanness he hath;

Who, can go through life never touching an insect or spider,especially living in tents, perhaps this only includes the four legged kinds, or.......the all seeing all knowing is showing that he knows fuck all, yet again!

⁶The soul which hath touched any such shall be unclean until even, and shall not eat of the holy things, unless he wash his flesh with water.

⁷And when the sun is down, he shall be clean, and shall afterward eat of the holy things; because it is his food.

Here's the almighty cleansing power of the darkness again.

⁸That which dieth of itself, or is torn with beasts, he shall not eat to defile himself therewith; I am the LORD.

⁹They shall therefore keep mine ordinance, lest they bear sin for it, and die therefore, if they profane it: I the LORD do sanctify them.

¹⁰There shall no stranger eat of the holy thing: a sojourner of the priest, or an hired servant, shall not eat of the holy thing.

¹¹But if the priest buy any soul with his money, he shall eat of it, and he that is born in his house: they shall eat of his meat. The NLT says...¹¹ However, if the priest buys a slave for himself, the slave may eat from the sacred offerings. And if his slaves have children, they also may share his food.

So with all these laws on sex and diet its still OK to own other human beings??

¹²If the priest's daughter also be married unto a stranger, she may not eat of an offering of the holy things.

How is it OK for anyone to marry their daughter to a stranger ?

¹³But if the priest's daughter be a widow, or divorced, and have no child, and is returned unto her father's house, as in her youth, she shall eat of her father's meat: but there shall be no stranger eat thereof.

I hope this is not meant as wrong as it reads.

¹⁴And if a man eat of the holy thing unwittingly, then he shall put the fifth part thereof unto it, and shall give it unto the priest with the holy thing.

Err what?

¹⁵And they shall not profane the holy things of the children of Israel, which they offer unto the LORD;

Does this mean thou shalt not wank on a cracker ?

¹⁶Or suffer them to bear the iniquity of trespass, when they eat their holy things: for I the LORD do sanctify them.

¹⁷And the LORD spake unto Moses, saying,

This is Moses god demanding a fine for his wrongdoing with Jethro god earlier in the big tent.

¹⁸Speak unto Aaron, and to his sons, and unto all the children of Israel, and say unto them, Whatsoever he be of the house of Israel, or of the strangers in Israel, that will offer his oblation for all his vows, and for all his freewill offerings, which they will offer unto the LORD for a burnt offering;

¹⁹Ye shall offer at your own will a male without blemish, of the beeves, of the sheep, or of the goats.

²⁰But whatsoever hath a blemish, that shall ye not offer: for it shall not be acceptable for you.

²¹And whosoever offereth a sacrifice of peace offerings unto the LORD to accomplish his vow, or a freewill offering in beeves or sheep, it shall be perfect to be accepted; there shall be no blemish therein.

²²Blind, or broken, or maimed, or having a wen, or scurvy, or scabbed, ye shall not offer these unto the LORD, nor make an offering by fire of them upon the altar unto the LORD.

²³Either a bullock or a lamb that hath any thing superfluous or lacking in his parts, that mayest thou offer for a freewill offering; but for a vow it shall not be accepted.

²⁴Ye shall not offer unto the LORD that which is bruised, or crushed, or broken, or cut; neither shall ye make any offering thereof in your land.

As always asking for the best meat.

²⁵Neither from a stranger's hand shall ye offer the bread of your God of any of these; because their corruption is in them, and blemishes be in them: they shall not be accepted for you.

²⁶And the LORD spake unto Moses, saying,

²⁷When a bullock, or a sheep, or a goat, is brought forth, then it shall be seven days under the dam; and from the eighth day and thenceforth it shall be accepted for an offering made by fire unto the LORD.

²⁸And whether it be cow, or ewe, ye shall not kill it and her young both in one day.

²⁹And when ye will offer a sacrifice of thanksgiving unto the LORD, offer it at your own will.

Not that he's coercing them in any way...

³⁰On the same day it shall be eaten up; ye shall leave none of it until the morrow: I am the LORD.

³¹Therefore shall ye keep my commandments, and do them: I am the LORD.

³²Neither shall ye profane my holy name; but I will be hallowed among the children of Israel: I am the LORD which hallow you,

³³That brought you out of the land of Egypt, to be your God: I am the LORD.

Leviticus 20

¹And the LORD spake unto Moses, saying,

²Again, thou shalt say to the children of Israel, Whosoever he be of the children of Israel, or of the strangers that sojourn in Israel, that giveth any of his seed unto Molech; he shall surely be put to death: the people of the land shall stone him with stones.

Molech has been portrayed as an old horned man,a bull and an owl.

³And I will set my face against that man, and will cut him off from among his people; because he hath given of his seed unto Molech, to defile my sanctuary, and to profane my holy name.

⁴And if the people of the land do any ways hide their eyes from the man, when he giveth of his seed unto Molech, and kill him not:

this informative but paranoid video.

The link will also offer more even paranoid videos on the subject

⁵Then I will set my face against that man, and against his family, and will cut him off, and all that go a whoring after him, to commit whoredom with Molech, from among their people.

I am struck with the similarities between the names Molech and Melek. For any of you who have not been reading from the beginning Melek Ta'us is the Peacock Angel.

⁶And the soul that turneth after such as have familiar spirits, and after wizards, to go a whoring after them, I will even set my face against that soul, and will cut him off from among his people.

⁷Sanctify yourselves therefore, and be ye holy: for I am the LORD your God.

I have some socks that are holy are they sanctified ?

⁸And ye shall keep my statutes, and do them: I am the LORD which sanctify you.

⁹For every one that curseth his father or his mother shall be surely put to death: he hath cursed his father or his mother; his blood shall be upon him.

This one always makes me laugh, I would have thought it's an impossibillity for anyone to make it through their teenage years without cursing their parents.

¹⁰And the man that committeth adultery with another man's wife, even he that committeth adultery with his neighbour's wife, the adulterer and the adulteress shall surely be put to death.

¹¹And the man that lieth with his father's wife hath uncovered his father's nakedness: both of them shall surely be put to death; their blood shall be upon them.

These two seem to be from someone who feels totally sexually inadequate.

¹²And if a man lie with his daughter in law, both of them shall surely be put to death: they have wrought confusion; their blood shall be upon them.

¹³If a man also lie with mankind, as he lieth with a woman, both of them have committed an abomination: they shall surely be put to death; their blood shall be upon them.

Again consult dear old Bruce for more on this

¹⁴And if a man take a wife and her mother, it is wickedness: they shall be burnt with fire, both he and they; that there be no wickedness among you.

¹⁵And if a man lie with a beast, he shall surely be put to death: and ye shall slay the beast.

As previously stated this now means Moses has taken over the role of god from Jethro. As we saw in Lev 16 Jethro in his role of god fucked a goat.

¹⁶And if a woman approach unto any beast, and lie down thereto, thou shalt kill the woman, and the beast: they shall surely be put to death; their blood shall be upon them.

From the way women are treated I doubt many of them actually enjoyed sexual congress with their husbands or anyone else for that matter. I sincerely doubt any of them would go out of their way to dabble with a donkey, this is another law I think comes from feelings of sexual inadequacy. Yes I know it happens now, but I really don't think many if any do it from their own volition.

¹⁷And if a man shall take his sister, his father's daughter, or his mother's daughter, and see her nakedness, and she see his nakedness; it is a wicked thing; and they shall be cut off in the sight of their people: he hath uncovered his sister's nakedness; he shall bear his iniquity.

¹⁸And if a man shall lie with a woman having her sickness, and shall uncover her nakedness; he hath discovered her fountain, and she hath uncovered the fountain of her blood: and both of them shall be cut off from among their people.

¹⁹And thou shalt not uncover the nakedness of thy mother's sister, nor of thy father's sister: for he uncovereth his near kin: they shall bear their iniquity.

²⁰And if a man shall lie with his uncle's wife, he hath uncovered his uncle's nakedness: they shall bear their sin; they shall die childless.

²¹And if a man shall take his brother's wife, it is an unclean thing: he hath uncovered his brother's nakedness; they shall be childless.

Was Onan not made to marry and lay with his brothers wife ?......Gen 38:⁸And Judah said unto Onan, Go in unto thy brother's wife, and marry her, and raise up seed to thy brother.Not to mention Abraham sending his boys to get wives from thier uncle.

²²Ye shall therefore keep all my statutes, and all my judgments, and do them: that the land, whither I bring you to dwell therein, spue you not out.

²³And ye shall not walk in the manners of the nation, which I cast out before you: for they committed all these things, and therefore I abhorred them.

²⁴But I have said unto you, Ye shall inherit their land, and I will give it unto you to possess it, a land that floweth with milk and honey: I am the LORD your God, which have separated you from other people.

This verse alone shows how ineffectual and impotent thier god is. Here we are over 3,ooo years later and the israelites are still fighting to get thier claim to this land accepted by the people they have been trying to take it from for all those years. Until it ceases to be fought over, it will never really be theirs.

²⁵Ye shall therefore put difference between clean beasts and unclean, and between unclean fowls and clean: and ye shall not make your souls abominable by beast, or by fowl, or by any manner of living thing that creepeth on the ground, which I have separated from you as unclean.

²⁶And ye shall be holy unto me: for I the LORD am holy, and have severed you from other people, that ye should be mine.

²⁷A man also or woman that hath a familiar spirit, or that is a wizard, shall surely be put to death: they shall stone them with stones: their blood shall be upon them.

Is it me or does that last verse seem tacked on ?

Leviticus 19

¹And the LORD spake unto Moses, saying,

²Speak unto all the congregation of the children of Israel, and say unto them, Ye shall be holy: for I the LORD your God am holy.

³Ye shall fear every man his mother, and his father, and keep my sabbaths: I am the LORD your God.

⁴Turn ye not unto idols, nor make to yourselves molten gods: I am the LORD your God.

Were these not already covered in the big ten?

⁵And if ye offer a sacrifice of peace offerings unto the LORD, ye shall offer it at your own will.

All these peace offerings work well. After over 3,000 years of peace offerings, Israel is the veritable epitome of peace

⁶It shall be eaten the same day ye offer it, and on the morrow: and if ought remain until the third day, it shall be burnt in the fire.

Possibly a wise precaution

⁷And if it be eaten at all on the third day, it is abominable; it shall not be accepted.

⁸Therefore every one that eateth it shall bear his iniquity, because he hath profaned the hallowed thing of the LORD: and that soul shall be cut off from among his people.

The last thing one would want if feeling bad from a severe bout of food poisoning,however if your prone to violent expulsions being apart from the camp would be less embarrassing not to mention more pleasant for your family.

⁹And when ye reap the harvest of your land, thou shalt not wholly reap the corners of thy field, neither shalt thou gather the gleanings of thy harvest.

¹⁰And thou shalt not glean thy vineyard, neither shalt thou gather every grape of thy vineyard; thou shalt leave them for the poor and stranger: I am the LORD your God.

Yes that will work in the modern world

¹¹Ye shall not steal, neither deal falsely, neither lie one to another.

We are still talking about the human race ?

¹²And ye shall not swear by my name falsely, neither shalt thou profane the name of thy God: I am the LORD.

JeesusHMotherfuckinGodBastardinChrist how can those following that Shit Allah the Arsehole and the not like bacon and beer.

¹³Thou shalt not defraud thy neighbour, neither rob him: the wages of him that is hired shall not abide with thee all night until the morning.

How did monthly pay come about ?

¹⁴Thou shalt not curse the deaf, nor put a stumblingblock before the blind, but shalt fear thy God: I am the LORD.

The deaf can't hear you curse them, why does that matter ?

Stumbling blocks before the blind, no you shouldn't do it,no matter how funny it is.(nothing about roller skates on stairs)

¹⁵Ye shall do no unrighteousness in judgment: thou shalt not respect the person of the poor, nor honor the person of the mighty: but in righteousness shalt thou judge thy neighbour.

¹⁶Thou shalt not go up and down as a talebearer among thy people: neither shalt thou stand against the blood of thy neighbour; I am the LORD.

¹⁷Thou shalt not hate thy brother in thine heart: thou shalt in any wise rebuke thy neighbour, and not suffer sin upon him.

I must admit the world would definately be a better place, if people would adhere to those last three verses

¹⁸Thou shalt not avenge, nor bear any grudge against the children of thy people, but thou shalt love thy neighbour as thyself: I am the LORD.

I have a feeling this one went out of the window before glass was put in windows.

¹⁹Ye shall keep my statutes. Thou shalt not let thy cattle gender with a diverse kind: thou shalt not sow thy field with mingled seed: neither shall a garment mingled of linen and woollen come upon thee.

Oh no! no selective breeding, and no mixed fabric ??

²⁰And whosoever lieth carnally with a woman, that is a bondmaid, betrothed to an husband, and not at all redeemed, nor freedom given her; she shall be scourged; they shall not be put to death, because she was not free.

So if you rape a female slave she gets a beating.....Your god IS loving, wise and full of justice.

²¹And he shall bring his trespass offering unto the LORD, unto the door of the tabernacle of the congregation, even a ram for a trespass offering.

She gets a beating and he has to pay for a meal for the high priest....Ah well that's alright then.

²²And the priest shall make an atonement for him with the ram of the trespass offering before the LORD for his sin which he hath done: and the sin which he hath done shall be forgiven him.

He's totally forgiven,she is degraded beaten and probably pregnant and thought of as a whore....How can anyone say this is not fair.....'Cos any lawgiver whether it be god,King,Priest or Judge that goes by that rule is a complete and utter CUNT.

²³And when ye shall come into the land, and shall have planted all manner of trees for food, then ye shall count the fruit thereof as uncircumcised: three years shall it be as uncircumcised unto you: it shall not be eaten of.

Uncircumsised fruit........Ummm !

²⁴But in the fourth year all the fruit thereof shall be holy to praise the LORD withal.

So god gets the "four skin"

²⁵And in the fifth year shall ye eat of the fruit thereof, that it may yield unto you the increase thereof: I am the LORD your God.

²⁶Ye shall not eat any thing with the blood: neither shall ye use enchantment, nor observe times.

Is this the blood of fruit circumsised or not ?

Enchantment, well what is all this ritualised sacrifice ?

Observe times ?What if you don't observe times how would you know when various feasts/fastings/sabbaths etc. are ?

Youngs literal has the line "observe clouds" instead, again would you not look for rain ?

²⁷Ye shall not round the corners of your heads, neither shalt thou mar the corners of thy beard.

Round the corners of your head.. is this a referance to head binding or just a euphamism for haircut. What if your beard grows without corners ?

²⁸Ye shall not make any cuttings in your flesh for the dead, nor print any marks upon you: I am the LORD.

No tattoos ? C,mon

²⁹Do not prostitute thy daughter, to cause her to be a whore; lest the land fall to whoredom, and the land become full of wickedness.

Another one I fully agree with.

³⁰Ye shall keep my sabbaths, and reverence my sanctuary: I am the LORD.

Fuck off, double time!

³¹Regard not them that have familiar spirits, neither seek after wizards, to be defiled by them: I am the LORD your God.

Regard not them that have familiar spirits. Whisky,Vodka,Rum no sorry these are people I must regard.

³²Thou shalt rise up before the hoary head, and honour the face of the old man, and fear thy God: I am the LORD.

³³And if a stranger sojourn with thee in your land, ye shall not vex him.

³⁴But the stranger that dwelleth with you shall be unto you as one born among you, and thou shalt love him as thyself; for ye were strangers in the land of Egypt: I am the LORD your God.

Yes this one lasted well didn't it ?

³⁵Ye shall do no unrighteousness in judgment, in meteyard, in weight, or in measure.

³⁶Just balances, just weights, a just ephah, and a just hin, shall ye have: I am the LORD your God, which brought you out of the land of Egypt.

³⁷Therefore shall ye observe all my statutes, and all my judgments, and do them: I am the LORD.

Leviticus 17

1And the LORD spake unto Moses, saying,

2Speak unto Aaron, and unto his sons, and unto all the children of Israel, and say unto them; This is the thing which the LORD hath commanded, saying,

3What man soever there be of the house of Israel, that killeth an ox, or lamb, or goat, in the camp, or that killeth it out of the camp,
A couple of questions have just hit me.
If, as was mentioned earlier there are MILLIONS of israelites, where are all these animals coming from to cover all these sacrifices, are they not supposed to be in the wilderness.
The queue to the big tent must have stretched back days. How could you have guaranteed an unblemished sacrifice when queueing for so long?
Also I get the impression the carcasses are not completely burned there must be by now at the very least a huge pile of scorched skeletal remains.
Or maybe as I pointed out earlier somebody somewhere has exaggerated the number.

4And bringeth it not unto the door of the tabernacle of the congregation, to offer an offering unto the LORD before the tabernacle of the LORD; blood shall be imputed unto that man; he hath shed blood; and that man shall be cut off from among his people:

5To the end that the children of Israel may bring their sacrifices, which they offer in the open field, even that they may bring them unto the LORD, unto the door of the tabernacle of the congregation, unto the priest, and offer them for peace offerings unto the LORD.

6And the priest shall sprinkle the blood upon the altar of the LORD at the door of the tabernacle of the congregation, and burn the fat for a sweet savour unto the LORD.

7And they shall no more offer their sacrifices unto devils, after whom they have gone a whoring. This shall be a statute for ever unto them throughout their generations.

This confused me for a second, as I am faily sure "devils" are not part of the Hebrew theology so I checked a different translation..Young's literal... ⁷and they sacrifice not any more their sacrifices to goats after which they are going a-whoring; a statute age-during is this to them, to their generations.
And who was fucking a goat in the last chapter ?

8And thou shalt say unto them, Whatsoever man there be of the house of Israel, or of the strangers which sojourn among you, that offereth a burnt offering or sacrifice,

9And bringeth it not unto the door of the tabernacle of the congregation, to offer it unto the LORD; even that man shall be cut off from among his people.

10And whatsoever man there be of the house of Israel, or of the strangers that sojourn among you, that eateth any manner of blood; I will even set my face against that soul that eateth blood, and will cut him off from among his people.

There's me fucked again ..I love black pudding

11For the life of the flesh is in the blood: and I have given it to you upon the altar to make an atonement for your souls: for it is the blood that maketh an atonement for the soul.

12Therefore I said unto the children of Israel, No soul of you shall eat blood, neither shall any stranger that sojourneth among you eat blood.

Mmmm Black pudding in a synagogue, there's a thought.

13And whatsoever man there be of the children of Israel, or of the strangers that sojourn among you, which hunteth and catcheth any beast or fowl that may be eaten; he shall even pour out the blood thereof, and cover it with dust.

14For it is the life of all flesh; the blood of it is for the life thereof: therefore I said unto the children of Israel, Ye shall eat the blood of no manner of flesh: for the life of all flesh is the blood thereof: whosoever eateth it shall be cut off.

And I like my steaks blue

15And every soul that eateth that which died of itself, or that which was torn with beasts, whether it be one of your own country, or a stranger, he shall both wash his clothes, and bathe himself in water, and be unclean until the even: then shall he be clean.

16But if he wash them not, nor bathe his flesh; then he shall bear his iniquity.

Exodus 34

Exodus 34

¹And the LORD said unto Moses, Hew thee two tables of stone like unto the first: and I will write upon these tables the words that were in the first tables, which thou brakest.

Would they not be images of the first tablets ? Did not god forbid the carving of images of all things in heaven and earth ?

²And be ready in the morning, and come up in the morning unto mount Sinai, and present thyself there to me in the top of the mount.

In the previous chapter we were told how Moses espied gods backparts.

Was this a promise of things to come ? Is this what god means by present yourself.

Do I remember Cher saying something similar...I love the internet I don't need a memory anymore....

Supposedly on her 40th birthday she saw hunky 22-year-old bagel-boy Rob Camilletti for the first time and said, "Have him washed and brought to my tent."

³And no man shall come up with thee, neither let any man be seen throughout all the mount; neither let the flocks nor herds feed before that mount.

No witnesses cos god is unleashing his never before seen legendary foresight. He knows he is going to poo poo poop chute sex in the next book. Just trying it again to make sure it really is disgusting.

Personally I think any sex should be disgusting..............If its done really well.

⁴And he hewed two tables of stone like unto the first; and Moses rose up early in the morning, and went up unto mount Sinai, as the LORD had commanded him, and took in his hand the two tables of stone.

Funny I always imagined them bigger than just a hand full, perhaps I have Charlton Heston for that.

⁵And the LORD descended in the cloud, and stood with him there, and proclaimed the name of the LORD.

Oh god !,Oh god !,Oh god !,Oh god !,Aaahhhhh men.No wonder he didn't want people overhearing

⁶And the LORD passed by before him, and proclaimed, The LORD, The LORD God, merciful and gracious, longsuffering, and abundant in goodness and truth,

⁷Keeping mercy for thousands, forgiving iniquity and transgression and sin, and that will by no means clear the guilty; visiting the iniquity of the fathers upon the children, and upon the children's children, unto the third and to the fourth generation.

Have I understood this correctly ? He forgives you wrongdoing but will punish your children, grandchildren, great grandchildren and great great grandchildren for something you have done. What a complete and utter cunt !

⁸And Moses made haste, and bowed his head toward the earth, and worshipped.

Now don't talk with your mouth full Moses. Wait , judging by how insecure god seems to be, that'll probably half full no deep throat needed here.

⁹And he said, If now I have found grace in thy sight, O LORD, let my LORD, I pray thee, go among us; for it is a stiffnecked people; and pardon our iniquity and our sin, and take us for thine inheritance.

I thought he already took thier inheritence.

¹⁰And he said, Behold, I make a covenant: before all thy people I will do marvels, such as have not been done in all the earth, nor in any nation: and all the people among which thou art shall see the work of the LORD: for it is a terrible thing that I will do with thee.

Would this statement not have been a bit more convincing if god had broadcast it to the world ,or at least to the throng below, rather than just what amounts to pillow talk.

¹¹Observe thou that which I command thee this day: behold, I drive out before thee the Amorite, and the Canaanite, and the Hittite, and the Perizzite, and the Hivite, and the Jebusite.

But you got to get to know them first cos' you can't be mean to strangers ?

¹²Take heed to thyself, lest thou make a covenant with the inhabitants of the land whither thou goest, lest it be for a snare in the midst of thee:

You can't say take out a lease or rent your land amicably

¹³But ye shall destroy their altars, break their images, and cut down their groves:

You shall vandalise any of thier shit the as and when you find it.

¹⁴For thou shalt worship no other god: for the LORD, whose name is Jealous, is a jealous God:

Because god is terribly insecure cos his mumsy don't loves him and he has a terribly small tadger.

¹⁵Lest thou make a covenant with the inhabitants of the land, and they go a whoring after their gods, and do sacrifice unto their gods, and one call thee, and thou eat of his sacrifice;

¹⁶And thou take of their daughters unto thy sons, and their daughters go a whoring after their gods, and make thy sons go a whoring after their gods.

Because the race must be pure for the fatherland... seig heil !

¹⁷Thou shalt make thee no molten gods.

No runny gods here.

¹⁸The feast of unleavened bread shalt thou keep. Seven days thou shalt eat unleavened bread, as I commanded thee, in the time of the month Abib: for in the month Abib thou camest out from Egypt.

Though shalt not waste yeast on breadmaking .....Its needed for beer

¹⁹All that openeth the matrix is mine; and every firstling among thy cattle, whether ox or sheep, that is male.

A worryingthought,why would he want only the male firstborn .Is gods gayness leaping species.

²⁰But the firstling of an ass thou shalt redeem with a lamb: and if thou redeem him not, then shalt thou break his neck. All the firstborn of thy sons thou shalt redeem. And none shall appear before me empty.

Here we go again. Why ? We have been told god created all the species of the earth in a few days. Why does he just not snap his fingers and call one into existance instead of blagging one off his "followers" ?

²¹Six days thou shalt work, but on the seventh day thou shalt rest: in earing time and in harvest thou shalt rest.

Try telling that to a farmer when his crops are going tits up and need harvesting now. Mind you god never had much time for farmers. Remember Able ?

²²And thou shalt observe the feast of weeks, of the firstfruits of wheat harvest, and the feast of ingathering at the year's end.

Because your god must have his beer.

²³Thrice in the year shall all your menchildren appear before the LORD God, the God of Israel.

That could have been phrased better.

²⁴For I will cast out the nations before thee, and enlarge thy borders: neither shall any man desire thy land, when thou shalt go up to appear before the LORD thy God thrice in the year.

Is this the recurring theme that has made the jewish people so unwelcome in countries throughout the world ?

²⁵Thou shalt not offer the blood of my sacrifice with leaven; neither shall the sacrifice of the feast of the passover be left unto the morning.

Because I am so powerful and magnificent, but will be upset if you don't manage it on time.

²⁶The first of the firstfruits of thy land thou shalt bring unto the house of the LORD thy God. Thou shalt not seethe a kid in his mother's milk.

So the his almighty benevolence has told us that if we fuck up he will fuck us over for four generations and by the way here is a list of demands for any shit you might acquire through hard work.

²⁷And the LORD said unto Moses, Write thou these words: for after the tenor of these words I have made a covenant with thee and with Israel.

And he can't even be bothered to write his owwn list out.

²⁸And he was there with the LORD forty days and forty nights; he did neither eat bread, nor drink water. And he wrote upon the tables the words of the covenant, the ten commandments.

So you can live on semen alone.

²⁹And it came to pass, when Moses came down from mount Sinai with the two tables of testimony in Moses' hand, when he came down from the mount, that Moses wist not that the skin of his face shone while he talked with him.

I thought it was good for the complexion.

³⁰And when Aaron and all the children of Israel saw Moses, behold, the skin of his face shone; and they were afraid to come nigh him.

³¹And Moses called unto them; and Aaron and all the rulers of the congregation returned unto him: and Moses talked with them.

³²And afterward all the children of Israel came nigh: and he gave them in commandment all that the LORD had spoken with him in mount Sinai.

³³And till Moses had done speaking with them, he put a vail on his face.

³⁴But when Moses went in before the LORD to speak with him, he took the vail off, until he came out. And he came out, and spake unto the children of Israel that which he was commanded.

So god didn't want the people to be near him and now he is in the tent......

Hello Jethro.

³⁵And the children of Israel saw the face of Moses, that the skin of Moses' face shone: and Moses put the vail upon his face again, until he went in to speak with him.

Exodus 33

Exodus 33

¹And the LORD said unto Moses, Depart, and go up hence, thou and the people which thou hast brought up out of the land of Egypt, unto the land which I sware unto Abraham, to Isaac, and to Jacob, saying, Unto thy seed will I give it:

Oh dear! The alzheimers has kicked in again, gods repeating himself.

²And I will send an angel before thee; and I will drive out the Canaanite, the Amorite, and the Hittite, and the Perizzite, the Hivite, and the Jebusite:

But....but..... surely they're strangers, I thought god said to be nice to strangers(just don't take sweeties from them children)

³Unto a land flowing with milk and honey: for I will not go up in the midst of thee; for thou art a stiffnecked people: lest I consume thee in the way.

A land flowing with milk and honey.......with newspaper taxi's an marmalade skies perhaps.

Honestly where did the scribes come up with this shit ?

⁴And when the people heard these evil tidings, they mourned: and no man did put on him his ornaments.

No man put on his ornaments.... could that be because they had all been utilised by Jethro god for the big tents furniture ?

⁵For the LORD had said unto Moses, Say unto the children of Israel, Ye are a stiffnecked people: I will come up into the midst of thee in a moment, and consume thee: therefore now put off thy ornaments from thee, that I may know what to do unto thee.

⁶And the children of Israel stripped themselves of their ornaments by the mount Horeb.

If they weren't wearing their "ornaments", how could they remove them ?

⁷And Moses took the tabernacle, and pitched it without the camp, afar off from the camp, and called it the Tabernacle of the congregation. And it came to pass, that every one which sought the LORD went out unto the tabernacle of the congregation, which was without the camp.

⁸And it came to pass, when Moses went out unto the tabernacle, that all the people rose up, and stood every man at his tent door, and looked after Moses, until he was gone into the tabernacle.

⁹And it came to pass, as Moses entered into the tabernacle, the cloudy pillar descended, and stood at the door of the tabernacle, and the Lord talked with Moses.

Jethro god must be making an appearance they have moved off so people can't see too clearly.

¹⁰And all the people saw the cloudy pillar stand at the tabernacle door: and all the people rose up and worshipped, every man in his tent door.

Where there's smoke there's liar.

¹¹And the LORD spake unto Moses face to face, as a man speaketh unto his friend. And he turned again into the camp: but his servant Joshua, the son of Nun, a young man, departed not out of the tabernacle.

Are Moses and Jethro spit roasting Joshua ?

¹²And Moses said unto the LORD, See, thou sayest unto me, Bring up this people: and thou hast not let me know whom thou wilt send with me. Yet thou hast said, I know thee by name, and thou hast also found grace in my sight.

¹³Now therefore, I pray thee, if I have found grace in thy sight, shew me now thy way, that I may know thee, that I may find grace in thy sight: and consider that this nation is thy people.

¹⁴And he said, My presence shall go with thee, and I will give thee rest.

¹⁵And he said unto him, If thy presence go not with me, carry us not up hence.

¹⁶For wherein shall it be known here that I and thy people have found grace in thy sight? is it not in that thou goest with us? so shall we be separated, I and thy people, from all the people that are upon the face of the earth.

¹⁷And the LORD said unto Moses, I will do this thing also that thou hast spoken: for thou hast found grace in my sight, and I know thee by name.

¹⁸And he said, I beseech thee, shew me thy glory.

Is there anyway of reading this that does not mean get your kit off ?

¹⁹And he said, I will make all my goodness pass before thee, and I will proclaim the name of the LORD before thee; and will be gracious to whom I will be gracious, and will shew mercy on whom I will shew mercy.

²⁰And he said, Thou canst not see my face: for there shall no man see me, and live.

When Jacob was "wrestling" with god did he not see him or were gods testicles dangling in his eyes ?

²¹And the LORD said, Behold, there is a place by me, and thou shalt stand upon a rock:

²²And it shall come to pass, while my glory passeth by, that I will put thee in a clift of the rock, and will cover thee with my hand while I pass by: ²³And I will take away mine hand, and thou shalt see my back parts: but my face shall not be seen.

Reads like gay porn.