Showing posts with label Israel. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Israel. Show all posts

Wednesday, 4 February 2009

Numbers Recap




Well what a palaver.

First as suggested by the title we have literally the numbers of men in the tribes. This is followed by the order of the tribal tents or the hierarchy of the owners of these tents. As said earlier the tribe of the Levites as priests were allocated the top of the food chain. Then the hierarchy of the Levites is described.
Then we move on to great offerings from the twelve tribes chiefs given by the princes of these tribes. This involves some precious things and of course, a lot of sacrifices to de lard.
This has apparently turned the meandering muppets into an army which allegedly are then led by de lard.

It is then dropped in that Moses had married an Ethiopian woman.[ Is this a possible inference that Moses is also a title and this is not the same Moses that led the people from Egypt,further hints that this is a new improved Moses, is that although still psychopathic, does seem to be more level headed]
This inadvertently leads to Aaron and Miriam,(a variant of Mary) coming forward with a few complaints about this other wife.Which for some reason leads to Miriam being apparently struck with leprosy by de lard. Moses then intervenes and she is apparently cured but ejected for a week.

De lard then tells Moses to send out spies to gather information of the surrounding nations. (why couldn't he just give him the info himself ? After all if anyone could know it should be de lard.) Obviously having been brought up with high moral values and strength of character being SO much closer to de lard than the rest of us mortals, lied through their back teeth.

A chap called Korah a grandson of Levi then leads a minor rebellion( some 250 men)Moses utilising all his man management promptly makes arrangements for them and their families(except Korah's for some reason) and anyone who may have the slightest possibility of agreeing with them gassed struck down by de ever lovin' lard with a localised plague.(14,700)
After making sure to dispose of the evidence, Moses then makes the Israelites take special precautions in the disposal of the bodies.

We then see either a repeat of the incident with the water from Edom or as I suspect a mistake made at some point between the possible events and the final edition of this book. Whether a mistake in the Oral tradition or two different scrolls being merged. Either way instead of the battle almost immediately in the first version, the Israelites now go forward on a mission to conquer......Oh wait that may be the same!!!Before they go to "war". Aaron and his son Eleazer are taken up to mount Hor, Eleazer puts on Aarons clothes and, presto ! Aaron is dead. This has a profound effect on de lard, as he stops announcing himself with the prefix..."I am de lard your gawd" every time he speaks to Moses.
In the name of the all merciful lard the Israelites capture some Amorite cities, killing all but virgin girls. Some of these survivors are offered as a "heave offering to de lard" ????.......Can you feel the love and mercy ?

We are introduced to a character Balak king of Moab, son of Zippor.[Any relation to Zipporah, daughter of Jethro,the midianite priest,Moses father in law ]who sends for Balaam to mediate between him and the invaders. Balaam, A man who beats his donkey and manages to fall off and hit his head in such a way that he gives himself Auditory Hallucinations. Believing god has reprimaded him (cos god loves animals) he then, with perfect Old Testament logic sacrifices 7 rams and 7 oxen to de lard. He reports to Balak with his hallucination.
Resistance is futile, the ravening hordes of Israel sweep across Canaan with a finesse not matched until Genghis Khan.




The last few chapters are mostly devoted to the splitting up of the lands,cities,gold, cattle and women.

Conclusion
Aside from yet again underlining de lards impotence, stupidity senility and blindness it just opens more questions.
Was there more than one Moses ?
Why, if the Israelites, who allegedly had seen all this evidence of gods so called power, were there so many dissidents.
Why if these incidents ,especially the conquest of Canaan are not recorded in any of the surrounding lands.
Or are the Israelites actually the "mysterious sea people" recorded in the some of the Amarna letters ?
Why is Moses thought of as good man when historically there are few that have been responsible(in their lifetime) for greater numbers of attrocities and murders of his fellow human beings ?

Thursday, 22 May 2008

Exodus 4


Exodus 4

1And Moses answered and said, But, behold, they will not believe me, nor hearken unto my voice: for they will say, The LORD hath not appeared unto thee.

Well you would wouldn't you, perhaps all the other Hebrews had got the good sense not to marry their sisters and therefore had not got a congenital deficiency causing them to not grow out of a childhood belief in an invisible friend.

2And the LORD said unto him, What is that in thine hand? And he said, A rod.
3And he said, Cast it on the ground. And he cast it on the ground, and it became a serpent; and Moses fled from before it.

I have had a rod in my hand, and it has cast on the ground then became a wriggly serpent. Only ever my own. But my gay friends assure me this is often what happens down their local "cottage"

4And the LORD said unto Moses, Put forth thine hand, and take it by the tail. And he put forth his hand, and caught it, and it became a rod in his hand:

The lord must recover quickly especially for one so old.

5That they may believe that the LORD God of their fathers, the God of Abraham, the God of Isaac, and the God of Jacob, hath appeared unto thee.

So god wants him to toss off the unbelievers..... Cool!

6And the LORD said furthermore unto him, Put now thine hand into thy bosom. And he put his hand into his bosom: and when he took it out, behold, his hand was leprous as snow.
7And he said, Put thine hand into thy bosom again. And he put his hand into his bosom again; and plucked it out of his bosom, and, behold, it was turned again as his other flesh.

This is an easy "parlor trick". It can easily be done with the application and release of a tourniquet. It would also be more apparent on a person with a darker skin than your average Caucasian.

8And it shall come to pass, if they will not believe thee, neither hearken to the voice of the first sign, that they will believe the voice of the latter sign.

9And it shall come to pass, if they will not believe also these two signs, neither hearken unto thy voice, that thou shalt take of the water of the river, and pour it upon the dry land: and the water which thou takest out of the river shall become blood upon the dry land.

Again a simple parlour trick, should be obvious to any first year chemistry student outside of Texas.

10And Moses said unto the LORD, O my LORD, I am not eloquent, neither heretofore, nor since thou hast spoken unto thy servant: but I am slow of speech, and of a slow tongue.

Even the bible suggests the stupidity and no doubt associated gullibility of Moses

11And the LORD said unto him, Who hath made man's mouth? or who maketh the dumb, or deaf, or the seeing, or the blind? have not I the LORD?

Anyone who has ever used a glory hole will agree "A mouth is a mouth"

12Now therefore go, and I will be with thy mouth, and teach thee what thou shalt say.
13And he said, O my LORD, send, I pray thee, by the hand of him whom thou wilt send.
14And the anger of the LORD was kindled against Moses, and he said, Is not Aaron the Levite thy brother? I know that he can speak well. And also, behold, he cometh forth to meet thee: and when he seeth thee, he will be glad in his heart.

So why does the all knowing all loving god chose an idiot to do his dirty work when all he has to do is make a public appearance and make his wishes known ?

15And thou shalt speak unto him, and put words in his mouth: and I will be with thy mouth, and with his mouth, and will teach you what ye shall do.
16And he shall be thy spokesman unto the people: and he shall be, even he shall be to thee instead of a mouth, and thou shalt be to him instead of God.
17And thou shalt take this rod in thine hand, wherewith thou shalt do signs.
18And Moses went and returned to Jethro his father in law, and said unto him, Let me go, I pray thee, and return unto my brethren which are in Egypt, and see whether they be yet alive. And Jethro said to Moses, Go in peace.
19And the LORD said unto Moses in Midian, Go, return into Egypt: for all the men are dead which sought thy life.
20And Moses took his wife and his sons, and set them upon an ass, and he returned to the land of Egypt: and Moses took the rod of God in his hand.

No doubt about it. God is gayer than George Michael's haidresser.

21And the LORD said unto Moses, When thou goest to return into Egypt, see that thou do all those wonders before Pharaoh, which I have put in thine hand: but I will harden his heart, that he shall not let the people go.

And a total cunt at that.

22And thou shalt say unto Pharaoh, Thus saith the LORD, Israel is my son, even my firstborn:

So god is Jacob/Israel's father not Isaac. Hmmm how many "only begotten sons does that make so far ?

23And I say unto thee, Let my son go, that he may serve me: and if thou refuse to let him go, behold, I will slay thy son, even thy firstborn.
24And it came to pass by the way in the inn, that the LORD met him, and sought to kill him.

god IS love !

25Then Zipporah took a sharp stone, and cut off the foreskin of her son, and cast it at his feet, and said, Surely a bloody husband art thou to me.
26So he let him go: then she said, A bloody husband thou art, because of the circumcision.

An oath uttered by all wives to all husbands for almost any reason.

27And the LORD said to Aaron, Go into the wilderness to meet Moses. And he went, and met him in the mount of God, and kissed him.

No ! No tongues, not gay or incestuous in any way. Honest !

28And Moses told Aaron all the words of the LORD who had sent him, and all the signs which he had commanded him.

And Aaron being the clever brother believed his halfwit brother.
Is it just me or is anyone else getting the idea Aaron may be pulling moses's strings ?

29And Moses and Aaron went and gathered together all the elders of the children of Israel:
30And Aaron spake all the words which the LORD had spoken unto Moses, and did the signs in the sight of the people.
31And the people believed: and when they heard that the LORD had visited the children of Israel, and that he had looked upon their affliction, then they bowed their heads and worshipped.

Thursday, 10 April 2008

Genesis 43



1And the famine was sore in the land.
2And it came to pass, when they had eaten up the corn which they had brought out of Egypt, their father said unto them, Go again, buy us a little food.

What ? They haven't gone straight back to retrieve their brother.

Fuck me with an armadillo's arm. As far as Jacob is concerned his son is rotting in an Egyptian prison and he has not even tried to go to Egypt until he can see himself getting hungry.

3And Judah spake unto him, saying, The man did solemnly protest unto us, saying, Ye shall not see my face, except your brother be with you.
4If thou wilt send our brother with us, we will go down and buy thee food:

So starving isn't really an issue, Jacob just wants grain to make bread cos' he luv's his sammiches.

5But if thou wilt not send him, we will not go down: for the man said unto us, Ye shall not see my face, except your brother be with you.

As Jacob/Israel had not sent any women to Egypt last time to blame he turned on Judah.

6And Israel said, Wherefore dealt ye so ill with me, as to tell the man whether ye had yet a brother?

Cos' it was all Judah's fault. Besides the magic number twelve wouldn't have been there.

7And they said, The man asked us straitly of our state, and of our kindred, saying, Is your father yet alive? have ye another brother? and we told him according to the tenor of these words: could we certainly know that he would say, Bring your brother down?

See, besmirched the family name. They were honest, never in more than three generations has any of this family been honest except to point the finger and say "Hedidit!"

8And Judah said unto Israel his father, Send the lad with me, and we will arise and go; that we may live, and not die, both we, and thou, and also our little ones.
9I will be surety for him; of my hand shalt thou require him: if I bring him not unto thee, and set him before thee, then let me bear the blame for ever:
10For except we had lingered, surely now we had returned this second time.

11And their father Israel said unto them, If it must be so now, do this; take of the in the land in your vessels, and carry down the man a present, a little balm, best fruits and a little honey, spices, and myrrh, nuts, and almonds:

So tell me again about this famine in Canaan. With this much Bullshit about the land should have had no fertility problems.

12And take double money in your hand; and the money that was brought again in the mouth of your sacks, carry it again in your hand; peradventure it was an oversight:

Careful that sounds like the decent thing to do, Will the family reputation ever recover.

13Take also your brother, and arise, go again unto the man:
14And God Almighty give you mercy before the man, that he may send away your other brother, and Benjamin. If I be bereaved of my children, I am bereaved.

Just hurry up I want my sammich.

15And the men took that present, and they took double money in their hand and Benjamin; and rose up, and went down to Egypt, and stood before Joseph.
16And when Joseph saw Benjamin with them, he said to the ruler of his house, Bring these men home, and slay, and make ready; for these men shall dine with me at noon.
17And the man did as Joseph bade; and the man brought the men into Joseph's house.
18And the men were afraid, because they were brought into Joseph's house; and they said, Because of the money that was returned in our sacks at the first time are we brought in; that he may seek occasion against us, and fall upon us, and take us for bondmen, and our asses.
19And they came near to the steward of Joseph's house, and they communed with him at the door of the house,

I can't help feeling this is gonna be good.

20And said, O sir, we came indeed down at the first time to buy food:
21And it came to pass, when we came to the inn, that we opened our sacks, and, behold, every man's money was in the mouth of his sack, our money in full weight: and we have brought it again in our hand.

Cos' we couldn't be arsed to return when we had full sacks and full bellies.

22And other money have we brought down in our hands to buy food: we cannot tell who put our money in our sacks.

Honest Guv.

23And he said, Peace be to you, fear not: your God, and the God of your father, hath given you treasure in your sacks: I had your money. And he brought Simeon out unto them.

24And the man brought the men into Joseph's house, and gave them water, and they washed their feet; and he gave their asses provender.

I bet that doesn't mean what it looks like

25And they made ready the present against Joseph came at noon: for they heard that they should eat bread there.

Jacob should have come, he's missing out on his sammiches.

26And when Joseph came home, they brought him the present which was in their hand into the house, and bowed themselves to him to the earth.
27And he asked them of their welfare, and said, Is your father well, the old man of whom ye spake? Is he yet alive?
28And they answered, Thy servant our father is in good health, he is yet alive. And they bowed down their heads, and made obeisance.
29And he lifted up his eyes, and saw his brother Benjamin, his mother's son, and said, Is this your younger brother, of whom ye spake unto me? And he said, God be gracious unto thee, my son.

30And Joseph made haste; for his bowels did yearn upon his brother: and he sought where to weep; and he entered into his chamber, and wept there.

My mistake "gave their asses provender." must've meant what I thought it did.

31And he washed his face, and went out, and refrained himself, and said, Set on bread.

32And they set on for him by himself, and for them by themselves, and for the Egyptians, which did eat with him, by themselves: because the Egyptians might not eat bread with the Hebrews; for that is an abomination unto the Egyptians.

From the laws of Horus

Let no Egyptian partake of food or break bread with the Hebrew, This has been the proclamation of all the gods of heaven. Else this shall ye know as it is known in heaven that the Hebrew are dirty cunts at the dinner table.

Ok I made that up but I feel I am in good company.

33And they sat before him, the first born according to his birthright, and the youngest according to his youth: and the men marvelled one at another.34And he took and sent messes unto them from before him: but Benjamin's mess was five times so much as any of their's. And they drank, and were merry with him.

Honest I made that up before I read the last couple of lines I didn't know they were really dirty cunts.

Saturday, 22 March 2008

Genesis 35


1And God said unto Jacob, Arise, go up to Bethel, and dwell there: and make there an altar unto God, that appeared unto thee when thou fleddest from the face of Esau thy brother.

I guess god wasn't happy with the lingam he raised for him. Or else his poor memory has made him forget the alter Abram raised for him when he named the place bethel, as it was previously called ..................bethel.

2Then Jacob said unto his household, and to all that were with him, Put away the strange gods that are among you, and be clean, and change your garments:

Of course these aren't "real" gods. These are imaginary gods, as everyone knows you can't touch real gods, you can only touch pretend gods.

Riiight!


3And let us arise, and go up to Bethel; and I will make there an altar unto God, who answered me in the day of my distress, and was with me in the way which I went.

4And they gave unto Jacob all the strange gods which were in their hand, and all their earrings which were in their ears; and Jacob hid them under the oak which was by Shechem.

As everyone is aware Jacobs word is his bond.

5And they journeyed: and the terror of God was upon the cities that were round about them, and they did not pursue after the sons of Jacob.

Terror of god ?

If it really is "the terror of god" would you not expect a bit more elaboration.

Something like god smote the cities with fire and brimstone, a light breeze or maybe a plague descended from the heavens blighting the populace with the squits, headaches ingrowing toenails, anything give us a clue.

Terror of god,on its own just don't wash!
6So Jacob came to Luz, which is in the land of Canaan, that is, Bethel, he and all the people that were with him.

So he arrives at luz calling it bethel which it was known as before Abraham ever went there,even though he named it bethel jacob is on a mission from god to rename the place bethel.

Why when god created the earth did he not create a tree of perfect memory or something to help with this retention problem maybe he did but forgot where he put it.

7And he built there an altar, and called the place Elbethel: because there God appeared unto him, when he fled from the face of his brother.

Ah god has seen the romans coming before rome was invented becausethat is Bethel with an Italian accent.
8But Deborah, Rebekah's nurse died, and she was buried beneath Bethel under an oak: and the name of it was called Allonbachuth.

So not going to go with Bethel then, fear of god not doing it for you ?

9And God appeared unto Jacob again, when he came out of Padanaram, and blessed him.
10And God said unto him, Thy name is Jacob: thy name shall not be called any more Jacob, but Israel shall be thy name: and he called his name Israel.

Didn't he do this when they had their "Not gay in anyway" all-night "wrestling".
11And God said unto him, I am God Almighty: be fruitful and multiply; a nation and a company of nations shall be of thee, and kings shall come out of thy loins;

Yeah yeah again again, how long is he going to keep promising this to how many generations. Every time the make a start to better themselves god makes them go walkabout and move back in a tent. Perhaps that's why his chosen people live in the middle east he wouldn't have got a Briton to leave a nice warm cave to go traipsing round the country building alters finding cousins to marry and renaming a place by its old name.

12And the land which I gave Abraham and Isaac, to thee I will give it, and to thy seed after thee will I give the land.
Fuck! He remembered something.
13And God went up from him in the place where he talked with him.
14And Jacob set up a pillar in the place where he talked with him, even a pillar of stone: and he poured a drink offering thereon, and he poured oil thereon.

Lingham can almost nearly mean standing stone if this family carry on with their erecting there would be a Stonehenge at bethel.

15And Jacob called the name of the place where God spake with him, Bethel.
16And they journeyed from Bethel; and there was but a little way to come to Ephrath: and Rachel travailed, and she had hard labour.
17And it came to pass, when she was in hard labour, that the midwife said unto her, Fear not; thou shalt have this son also.
18And it came to pass, as her soul was in departing, (for she died) that she called his name Benoni: but his father called him Benjamin.
19And Rachel died, and was buried in the way to Ephrath, which is Bethlehem.

So Jacob has done what his god asked for him and women you would expect him to care about are dropping like flies.

So the reason for doing gods bidding is ..............?

Or god so enjoyed their "wrestling" he is jealous of Jacobs other "wrestling" partners

20And Jacob set a pillar upon her grave: that is the pillar of Rachel's grave unto this day.

He loves his erections

and so apparently,

does,

god.

21And Israel journeyed, and spread his tent beyond the tower of Edar.
22And it came to pass, when Israel dwelt in that land, that Reuben went and lay with Bilhah his father's concubine: and Israel heard it. Now the sons of Jacob were twelve:
I am assuming that Israel was Jacob not the whole country.
If it was the whole country you can understand how he has got four women, and god lining up that'll prove he was from the wrong side of the blanket.

23The sons of Leah; Reuben, Jacob's firstborn, and Simeon, and Levi, and Judah, and Issachar, and Zebulun:
24The sons of Rachel; Joseph, and Benjamin:
25And the sons of Bilhah, Rachel's handmaid; Dan, and Naphtali:
26And the sons of Zilpah, Leah's handmaid: Gad, and Asher: these are the sons of Jacob, which were born to him in Padanaram.
27And Jacob came unto Isaac his father unto Mamre, unto the city of Arbah, which is Hebron, where Abraham and Isaac sojourned.
28And the days of Isaac were an hundred and fourscore years.
29And Isaac gave up the ghost, and died, and was gathered unto his people, being old and full of days: and his sons Esau and Jacob buried him.


Wednesday, 19 March 2008

Genesis 32


Genesis 32

1And Jacob went on his way, and the angels of God met him.
2And when Jacob saw them, he said, This is God's host: and he called the name of that place Mahanaim.
3And Jacob sent messengers before him to Esau his brother unto the land of Seir, the country of Edom.

4And he commanded them, saying, Thus shall ye speak unto my lord Esau; Thy servant Jacob saith thus, I have sojourned with Laban, and stayed there until now:
Are these "messengers/angels of god the winged ones fluttering down from heaven with divine campness or are they messengers from the king or Esau ?
5And I have oxen, and asses, flocks, and menservants, and womenservants: and I have sent to tell my lord, that I may find grace in thy sight.
6And the messengers returned to Jacob, saying, We came to thy brother Esau, and also he cometh to meet thee, and four hundred men with him.
7Then Jacob was greatly afraid and distressed: and he divided the people that was with him, and the flocks, and herds, and the camels, into two bands;
That's showing faith in the almighty , the one that is all knowing all seeing all powerful that has gone on record as having a covenant to guarantee a good life etc.
One thing I have noticed the god here doesn't promise this mythical afterlife we get told about as the collection plate is getting handed round today. Has god changed his mind or is somebody taxing the gullible ?

8And said, If Esau come to the one company, and smite it, then the other company which is left shall escape.
9And Jacob said, O God of my father Abraham, and God of my father Isaac, the LORD which saidst unto me, Return unto thy country, and to thy kindred, and I will deal well with thee:
10I am not worthy of the least of all the mercies, and of all the truth, which thou hast shewed unto thy servant; for with my staff I passed over this Jordan; and now I am become two bands.
Deep Purple and Whitesnake.
11Deliver me, I pray thee, from the hand of my brother, from the hand of Esau: for I fear him, lest he will come and smite me, and the mother with the children.
Again he seem's to be more afraid of Esau than the fear demanding deity.
12And thou saidst, I will surely do thee good, and make thy seed as the sand of the sea, which cannot be numbered for multitude.
Yup ! He's shitting a brick.
13And he lodged there that same night; and took of that which came to his hand a present for Esau his brother;
14Two hundred she goats, and twenty he goats, two hundred ewes, and twenty rams,
15Thirty milch camels with their colts, forty kine, and ten bulls, twenty she asses, and ten foals.
I don't get how this works.
Jacob is gonna give Easau some of his shit hoping Esau won't kill him and take all of his shit. Knowing full well that Esau probably has not only not forgiven him for stealing his father's blessing but stewed about it for the last twenty years. So even if they do kiss and make up.......

16And he delivered them into the hand of his servants, every drove by themselves; and said unto his servants, Pass over before me, and put a space betwixt drove and drove.
17And he commanded the foremost, saying, When Esau my brother meeteth thee, and asketh thee, saying, Whose art thou? and whither goest thou? and whose are these before thee?
18Then thou shalt say, They be thy servant Jacob's; it is a present sent unto my lord Esau: and, behold, also he is behind us.
Where else would you expect a double dealing coward to be ?
19And so commanded he the second, and the third, and all that followed the droves, saying, On this manner shall ye speak unto Esau, when ye find him.
20And say ye moreover, Behold, thy servant Jacob is behind us. For he said, I will appease him with the present that goeth before me, and afterward I will see his face; peradventure he will accept of me.
21So went the present over before him: and himself lodged that night in the company.
22And he rose up that night, and took his two wives, and his two womenservants, and his eleven sons, and passed over the ford Jabbok.
ford Jabbok is that some kind of camel powered coupe.
23And he took them, and sent them over the brook, and sent over that he had.
24And Jacob was left alone; and there wrestled a man with him until the breaking of the day.
25And when he saw that he prevailed not against him, he touched the hollow of his thigh; and the hollow of Jacob's thigh was out of joint, as he wrestled with him.
That's gotta be some real rough sex.
26And he said, Let me go, for the day breaketh. And he said, I will not let thee go, except thou bless me.

So the all knowing almighty arsehole asks

27And he said unto him, What is thy name? And he said, Jacob.
So tell me again what is wrong with same sex relationships, because theres only one reason that two guys are going to wrestle all night, and it aint for the love of god.Unless god is well oiled and has a hard on the size of Massachusetts. (Will the Bee Gees ever sound the same?)
28And he said, Thy name shall be called no more Jacob, but Israel: for as a prince hast thou power with God and with men, and hast prevailed.

Which I have on good authority means ..........

.........swings both ways.

29And Jacob asked him, and said, Tell me, I pray thee, thy name. And he said, Wherefore is it that thou dost ask after my name? And he blessed him there.
30And Jacob called the name of the place Peniel: for I have seen God face to face, and my life is preserved.
31And as he passed over Peniel the sun rose upon him, and he halted upon his thigh.
Peniel ?
32Therefore the children of Israel eat not of the sinew which shrank, which is upon the hollow of the thigh, unto this day: because he touched the hollow of Jacob's thigh in the sinew that shrank.
Peniel ? Certainly that's the only "sinew" I know of that shrinks after use.
Yup, No gay sex, not now not ever.........
So why do I see it actively encouraged ?

 
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