2 Samuel 7

   ¹And it came to pass, when the king sat in his house, and the LORD had given him rest round about from all his enemies;

De lard gave him rest from all his enemies.
It's more likely David had them all killed. 

   ²That the king said unto Nathan the prophet, See now, I dwell in an house of cedar, but the ark of God dwelleth within curtains.

Thats the beauty of gold ...It don't rust.
 
   ³And Nathan said to the king, Go, do all that is in thine heart; for the LORD is with thee.

Are we back to more man on man loving?
 
   ⁴And it came to pass that night, that the word of the LORD came unto Nathan, saying,
   ⁵Go and tell my servant David, Thus saith the LORD, Shalt thou build me an house for me to dwell in?

The word of de lard came to Nathen? Is Davids semen now the word of de lard?
Oh! Sorry, got carried away there it means Nathan had an idea.
 
   ⁶Whereas I have not dwelt in any house since the time that I brought up the children of Israel out of Egypt, even to this day, but have walked in a tent and in a tabernacle.
   ⁷In all the places wherein I have walked with all the children of Israel spake I a word with any of the tribes of Israel, whom I commanded to feed my people Israel, saying, Why build ye not me an house of cedar?

Is this all sexual metaphor....He had a floppy tent and now he wants wood?

                           
   ⁸Now therefore so shalt thou say unto my servant David, Thus saith the LORD of hosts, I took thee from the sheepcote, from following the sheep, to be ruler over my people, over Israel:
   ⁹And I was with thee whithersoever thou wentest, and have cut off all thine enemies out of thy sight, and have made thee a great name, like unto the name of the great men that are in the earth.
   ¹⁰Moreover I will appoint a place for my people Israel, and will plant them, that they may dwell in a place of their own, and move no more; neither shall the children of wickedness afflict them any more, as beforetime,
   ¹¹And as since the time that I commanded judges to be over my people Israel, and have caused thee to rest from all thine enemies. Also the LORD telleth thee that he will make thee an house.
   ¹²And when thy days be fulfilled, and thou shalt sleep with thy fathers, I will set up thy seed after thee, which shall proceed out of thy bowels, and I will establish his kingdom.

There you have it, so next time some one starts quoting leviticus 18:22 you can reply with 2 Samuel 7:12. Cos if that is truly the word of de lard he is talking gay anal creampie and maybe a little felching on the side.  

I see a tattoo and a t shirt in the near future.

I now have a new favourite biblical verse

 It is said that Mohammed frothed at the mouth when he recieved his visions,the most likely explaination is he was epileptic however  knowing now what we do now, it looks like it wasn't froth.

   ¹³He shall build an house for my name, and I will stablish the throne of his kingdom for ever.

Yet another of de lards prophesies that has failed the test of time.
Or perhaps it is one of the many deliberate mis-translations, perhaps it originally said a couple of hours.
 
   ¹⁴I will be his father, and he shall be my son. If he commit iniquity, I will chasten him with the rod of men, and with the stripes of the children of men:
   ¹⁵But my mercy shall not depart away from him, as I took it from Saul, whom I put away before thee.
   ¹⁶And thine house and thy kingdom shall be established for ever before thee: thy throne shall be established for ever.
   ¹⁷According to all these words, and according to all this vision, so did Nathan speak unto David.
   ¹⁸Then went king David in, and sat before the LORD, and he said, Who am I, O Lord GOD? and what is my house, that thou hast brought me hitherto?
   ¹⁹And this was yet a small thing in thy sight, O Lord GOD; but thou hast spoken also of thy servant's house for a great while to come. And is this the manner of man, O Lord GOD?
   ²⁰And what can David say more unto thee? for thou, Lord GOD, knowest thy servant.
   ²¹For thy word's sake, and according to thine own heart, hast thou done all these great things, to make thy servant know them.
   ²²Wherefore thou art great, O LORD God: for there is none like thee, neither is there any God beside thee, according to all that we have heard with our ears. 

Pardon? " Neither is there any god beside thee?"  So there you have it . There is no god it says so in the bible so it must be true.


   ²³And what one nation in the earth is like thy people, even like Israel, whom God went to redeem for a people to himself, and to make him a name, and to do for you great things and terrible, for thy land, before thy people, which thou redeemedst to thee from Egypt, from the nations and their gods?
   ²⁴For thou hast confirmed to thyself thy people Israel to be a people unto thee for ever: and thou, LORD, art become their God.
   ²⁵And now, O LORD God, the word that thou hast spoken concerning thy servant, and concerning his house, establish it for ever, and do as thou hast said.
   ²⁶And let thy name be magnified for ever, saying, The LORD of hosts is the God over Israel: and let the house of thy servant David be established before thee.
   ²⁷For thou, O LORD of hosts, God of Israel, hast revealed to thy servant, saying, I will build thee an house: therefore hath thy servant found in his heart to pray this prayer unto thee.
   ²⁸And now, O Lord GOD, thou art that God, and thy words be true, and thou hast promised this goodness unto thy servant:
   ²⁹Therefore now let it please thee to bless the house of thy servant, that it may continue for ever before thee: for thou, O Lord GOD, hast spoken it: and with thy blessing let the house of thy servant be blessed for ever.

2 Samuel 6

   ¹Again, David gathered together all the chosen men of Israel, thirty thousand.
   ²And David arose, and went with all the people that were with him from Baale of Judah, to bring up from thence the ark of God, whose name is called by the name of the LORD of hosts that dwelleth between the cherubims.

Funny never thought of cherubims as thighs before.
 
   ³And they set the ark of God upon a new cart, and brought it out of the house of Abinadab that was in Gibeah: and Uzzah and Ahio, the sons of Abinadab, drave the new cart.
   ⁴And they brought it out of the house of Abinadab which was at Gibeah, accompanying the ark of God: and Ahio went before the ark.
   ⁵And David and all the house of Israel played before the LORD on all manner of instruments made of fir wood, even on harps, and on psalteries, and on timbrels, and on cornets, and on cymbals.
   ⁶And when they came to Nachon's threshingfloor, Uzzah put forth his hand to the ark of God, and took hold of it; for the oxen shook it.
   ⁷And the anger of the LORD was kindled against Uzzah; and God smote him there for his error; and there he died by the ark of God.

Anger of de lard.....No. Just stored electricity...Physics not meta-physics.
 
   ⁸And David was displeased, because the LORD had made a breach upon Uzzah: and he called the name of the place Perezuzzah to this day.
   ⁹And David was afraid of the LORD that day, and said, How shall the ark of the LORD come to me?
   ¹⁰So David would not remove the ark of the LORD unto him into the city of David: but David carried it aside into the house of Obededom the Gittite.

Obededom the Gittite? whose writing this, Douglas Adams or Spike Milligan?
 
   ¹¹And the ark of the LORD continued in the house of Obededom the Gittite three months: and the LORD blessed Obededom, and all his household.

If it was wired up correctly it could be most beneficial.
 
   ¹²And it was told king David, saying, The LORD hath blessed the house of Obededom, and all that pertaineth unto him, because of the ark of God. So David went and brought up the ark of God from the house of Obededom into the city of David with gladness.

It's no good, now I am having a Homer Simpson moment..."#Obededom,# Obededom,# Obedee dom,#Dom, "

   ¹³And it was so, that when they that bare the ark of the LORD had gone six paces, he sacrificed oxen and fatlings.

#Obededom,# Obededom,#  Maybe not that tuneful but now it's there I can't get it out of my head.
Knew I knew it. Black Sabbath.. Children of the grave

   ¹⁴And David danced before the LORD with all his might; and David was girded with a linen ephod.

Just the apron?
I suppose the rest of the french maids outfit hadn't been invented yet. Then again that was supposed to be true of the leyden jar.
 
   ¹⁵So David and all the house of Israel brought up the ark of the LORD with shouting, and with the sound of the trumpet.

And yet no walls fell down!!
 
   ¹⁶And as the ark of the LORD came into the city of David, Michal Saul's daughter looked through a window, and saw king David leaping and dancing before the LORD; and she despised him in her heart.

I wouldn't want him, or any man in my heart. It wouyld be fucking uncomfortable. I can think of two or three far better places to put a man.
 
   ¹⁷And they brought in the ark of the LORD, and set it in his place, in the midst of the tabernacle that David had pitched for it: and David offered burnt offerings and peace offerings before the LORD.

Peace offerings, you gotta laugh............and the next war begins in 10....9......

   ¹⁸And as soon as David had made an end of offering burnt offerings and peace offerings, he blessed the people in the name of the LORD of hosts.
   ¹⁹And he dealt among all the people, even among the whole multitude of Israel, as well to the women as men, to every one a cake of bread, and a good piece of flesh, and a flagon of wine. So all the people departed every one to his house.

Fuck me! They never mentioned that in sunday school. 
As well as being a raving homosexuel David was a drug dealer and a pimp.

 
   ²⁰Then David returned to bless his household. And Michal the daughter of Saul came out to meet David, and said, How glorious was the king of Israel to day, who uncovered himself to day in the eyes of the handmaids of his servants, as one of the vain fellows shamelessly uncovereth himself!

I thought nakedness was a no no since noah got pissed(drunk for you americans) Not to mention fig leaves and Eden.
   ²¹And David said unto Michal, It was before the LORD, which chose me before thy father, and before all his house, to appoint me ruler over the people of the LORD, over Israel: therefore will I play before the LORD.
   ²²And I will yet be more vile than thus, and will be base in mine own sight: and of the maidservants which thou hast spoken of, of them shall I be had in honour.
   ²³Therefore Michal the daughter of Saul had no child unto the day of her death.

Now did she not concieve because
a] Handmaids
b]Hand 
c] He turned her over and pretended she was her brother

1 Samuel Recap

 I actually enjoyed reading this book, although you wouldn't think so seeings how long it took.

So we start this book with the familiar tale of a barren woman,married to an old man. We know she is the infertile one in the relationship as there is another wife with children. There is no mention whether these children look more like “uncle Abu Ben Fucker” or their “father”

After “visiting” the local priest and his sons, the barren wife is found unconscious as if drunken and then the following day miraculously conceives as she does after every following annual visit.

The legitimate sons of Eli the priest are greedy and known for taking whatever they fancy.

Eli takes her first-born under his wing and teaches him the priestly duties as he did with his own sons.

As the years go by young Sam hears de lard whispering sweet nothings as he spends nights staying with his grandad mentor.

We then get into a war with the Philistines with a smattering of prophesy and fables thrown in to blame the pasting the Israelites get on Eli and his sons that are all dead after the battle. Eli died after falling off his chair.

During this battle the Philistines capture the fabled ark the Israelites are apparently more upset about losing their magic box than they are about losing their friends and relatives.

The Philistines are struck with piles, supposedly as a punishment from de lard. Strange how after proving himself by being a pain in their collective arses they do not bow down and worship him. The result of this, is for the Philistines utilising the foremost science and medicine of the time. Throw the ark, accompanied by some mice and haemorrhoids made of gold into a cart drawn by some ex heifer's, then release them. I wonder whether that's where the phrase “Having piles of gold come from.”

The cows take the Ark to the Levites who upon receipt of de lards box are rewarded by de lards gratitude with 50,000 dead.(20,000)more than those that died when they lost the Ark). We must however remember maths are not the scribes strong point.

Twenty years down the line Sam still has his invisible friend and decides the Israelites must stop worshipping Baalim(gods) and Ashteroth(Mrs de lard) To do this he calls all the Israelites together. The Philistines would have seized this opportunity to finish them off but Sam called up the power of de lard by butchering a lamb so de lard would scare them with a thunderstorm.

Sam is promoted to seer and sees himself as king, something the people do not want, strangely enough, de lard agrees with them.

Enter Saul from stage left. Saul is taken under Sam’s wing and chosen to be king. The relationship between Sam and Saul seems to be more than just friends. Even so Saul manages to father Johnathan.

Saul settles into his kingly role and starts to antagonize the Philistines the narrative seems to lose the plot and any grasp of mathematics when reporting skirmishes.

We then get into a couple of incidents that involve de omniscient one admitting to lack of fore sight and mistakes so repenting and changing his mind. Sam dies and Saul, either through grief or just being inept, becomes the crappiest crappy king in crapland.

We then have the David and Goliath tale quickly followed by Jonny and David getting friendly, very friendly. A relationship that Saul disapproves of so much he “gives” him his daughter as a wife. Yet demanding 100 Philistine foreskins as a payment. David killed 200 men to get these???

Saul was not happy with David’s success and wanted to kill him, Johnny made him promise that he would not. A promise as good as de lards, as he tried but David escaped.

He assembles a small band of men and roams Saul follows in two or one encounters David could have killed Saul and didn't. They then have two or one pow wows which ends with Saul admitting he was wrong and allowing David and his merry men to go on their way. They go to the land of the Philistines and get less shit of their”enemies” than they got from their kinsmen. In return he and his men became mercenaries for the philistines but without the philistines softer side.

Saul battles with the Philistines and johnny is killed.

Saul shows his cowardice bravery and lack of dignity by topping himself

To,sum it all up Power, Gay sex Power more gay sex with a shit load of death thrown in.

1 Samuel 9

¹Now there was a man of Benjamin, whose name was Kish, the son of Abiel, the son of Zeror, the son of Bechorath, the son of Aphiah, a Benjamite, a mighty man of power.

²And he had a son, whose name was Saul, a choice young man, and a goodly: and there was not among the children of Israel a goodlier person than he: from his shoulders and upward he was higher than any of the people.

If someone said to me "He is a choice young man, he is very goodly" I would assume they were saying "He is gay"

³And the asses of Kish Saul's father were lost. And Kish said to Saul his son, Take now one of the servants with thee, and arise, go seek the asses.

There is another phrase that may have developed into a different meaning over time. But why is a "powerful"man sending his son out to find these asses he did not have the power to stop from either wandering or being stolen?

⁴And he passed through mount Ephraim, and passed through the land of Shalisha, but they found them not: then they passed through the land of Shalim, and there they were not: and he passed through the land of the Benjamites, but they found them not.

⁵And when they were come to the land of Zuph, Saul said to his servant that was with him, Come, and let us return; lest my father leave caring for the asses, and take thought for us.

⁶And he said unto him, Behold now, there is in this city a man of God, and he is an honourable man; all that he saith cometh surely to pass: now let us go thither; peradventure he can shew us our way that we should go.

⁷Then said Saul to his servant, But, behold, if we go, what shall we bring the man? for the bread is spent in our vessels, and there is not a present to bring to the man of God: what have we?

So the servant suggests that Sam can tell where these asses are, and then mentions he must be paid for doing the work of de lard. Perhaps goodly does not mean gay but means stupid.

⁸And the servant answered Saul again, and said, Behold, I have here at hand the fourth part of a shekel of silver: that will I give to the man of God, to tell us our way.

Again, the servant has money but the son of a "man of power" just has half shares in some stale bread. I smell some thing fishy here, someone, somewhere, is conning someone.

⁹(Beforetime in Israel, when a man went to enquire of God, thus he spake, Come, and let us go to the seer: for he that is now called a Prophet was beforetime called a Seer.)

¹⁰Then said Saul to his servant, Well said; come, let us go. So they went unto the city where the man of God was.

¹¹And as they went up the hill to the city, they found young maidens going out to draw water, and said unto them, Is the seer here?

¹²And they answered them, and said, He is; behold, he is before you: make haste now, for he came to day to the city; for there is a sacrifice of the people to day in the high place:

¹³As soon as ye be come into the city, ye shall straightway find him, before he go up to the high place to eat: for the people will not eat until he come, because he doth bless the sacrifice; and afterwards they eat that be bidden. Now therefore get you up; for about this time ye shall find him.

¹⁴And they went up into the city: and when they were come into the city, behold, Samuel came out against them, for to go up to the high place.

¹⁵Now the LORD had told Samuel in his ear a day before Saul came, saying,

¹⁶To morrow about this time I will send thee a man out of the land of Benjamin, and thou shalt anoint him to be captain over my people Israel, that he may save my people out of the hand of the Philistines: for I have looked upon my people, because their cry is come unto me.

Another example of the power of prophecy written down after the fact. As I have already asked "Why did de lard with all his infinite power and wisdom, not harm the philistines(apart from being a major pain in the arse) when they had the ark of the covenant in their possession.

You remember the ark, the symbol that de lard was never going to be a bastard to his chosen people again. That he got Moses to make with him, after he had broken the same covenant he made with Abraham

The golden object that requires special handling or it will cause the death of all that touch it.

The artifact that fell into philistine hands and was retained for seven months killing not one philistine, but did manage to make a statuette of Moloch fall over.

The same box that almost immediately killed 50,000 Israelites on its return to its rightful place.

What was that again about that covenant

¹⁷And when Samuel saw Saul, the LORD said unto him, Behold the man whom I spake to thee of! this same shall reign over my people.

¹⁸Then Saul drew near to Samuel in the gate, and said, Tell me, I pray thee, where the seer's house is.

¹⁹And Samuel answered Saul, and said, I am the seer: go up before me unto the high place; for ye shall eat with me to day, and to morrow I will let thee go, and will tell thee all that is in thine heart.

My my, Sam is a fast worker. First dinner, then you are spending the night with me.

²⁰And as for thine asses that were lost three days ago, set not thy mind on them; for they are found. And on whom is all the desire of Israel? Is it not on thee, and on all thy father's house?

So the asses are back home and the neo king of Israel says Israel desires Saul. Perhaps leviticus 18:22 had not yet been written.

²¹And Saul answered and said, Am not I a Benjamite, of the smallest of the tribes of Israel? and my family the least of all the families of the tribe of Benjamin? wherefore then speakest thou so to me?

²²And Samuel took Saul and his servant, and brought them into the parlour, and made them sit in the chiefest place among them that were bidden, which were about thirty persons.

The cheifiest place? This has got to be the campest chapter yet in all the books Iced so far.

²³And Samuel said unto the cook, Bring the portion which I gave thee, of which I said unto thee, Set it by thee.

²⁴And the cook took up the shoulder, and that which was upon it, and set it before Saul. And Samuel said, Behold that which is left! set it before thee, and eat: for unto this time hath it been kept for thee since I said, I have invited the people. So Saul did eat with Samuel that day.

Eat his Portion ?

²⁵And when they were come down from the high place into the city, Samuel communed with Saul upon the top of the house.

²⁶And they arose early: and it came to pass about the spring of the day, that Samuel called Saul to the top of the house, saying, Up, that I may send thee away. And Saul arose, and they went out both of them, he and Samuel, abroad.

²⁷And as they were going down to the end of the city, Samuel said to Saul, Bid the servant pass on before us, (and he passed on), but stand thou still a while, that I may shew thee the word of God.

What was all this about de lard not liking gay sex?

1 Samuel 7

¹And the men of Kirjathjearim came, and fetched up the ark of the LORD, and brought it into the house of Abinadab in the hill, and sanctified Eleazar his son to keep the ark of the LORD.

²And it came to pass, while the ark abode in Kirjathjearim, that the time was long; for it was twenty years: and all the house of Israel lamented after the LORD.

³And Samuel spake unto all the house of Israel, saying, If ye do return unto the LORD with all your hearts, then put away the strange gods and Ashtaroth from among you, and prepare your hearts unto the LORD, and serve him only: and he will deliver you out of the hand of the Philistines.

⁴Then the children of Israel did put away Baalim and Ashtaroth, and served the LORD only.

For a god that professes to be the only god there sure are a lot of others he seems to feel are on equal ground to him. Why else would he always want them to be put away and their idols destroyed?

⁵And Samuel said, Gather all Israel to Mizpeh, and I will pray for you unto the LORD.

⁶And they gathered together to Mizpeh, and drew water, and poured it out before the LORD, and fasted on that day, and said there, We have sinned against the LORD. And Samuel judged the children of Israel in Mizpeh.

⁷And when the Philistines heard that the children of Israel were gathered together to Mizpeh, the lords of the Philistines went up against Israel. And when the children of Israel heard it, they were afraid of the Philistines.

⁸And the children of Israel said to Samuel, Cease not to cry unto the LORD our God for us, that he will save us out of the hand of the Philistines.

Things may not have been so bad if de lard had the foresight not to kill fifty thousand when they recovered the ark

⁹And Samuel took a sucking lamb, and offered it for a burnt offering wholly unto the LORD: and Samuel cried unto the LORD for Israel; and the LORD heard him.

¹⁰And as Samuel was offering up the burnt offering, the Philistines drew near to battle against Israel: but the LORD thundered with a great thunder on that day upon the Philistines, and discomfited them; and they were smitten before Israel.

Real thunder? Kill a lamb and it rains now surely if that where true then israel would not be the arid place it is. Or if de lard actually did exist, and looked after his chosen ones.

¹¹And the men of Israel went out of Mizpeh, and pursued the Philistines, and smote them, until they came under Bethcar.

¹²Then Samuel took a stone, and set it between Mizpeh and Shen, and called the name of it Ebenezer, saying, Hitherto hath the LORD helped us.

¹³So the Philistines were subdued, and they came no more into the coast of Israel: and the hand of the LORD was against the Philistines all the days of Samuel.

¹⁴And the cities which the Philistines had taken from Israel were restored to Israel, from Ekron even unto Gath; and the coasts thereof did Israel deliver out of the hands of the Philistines. And there was peace between Israel and the Amorites.

So there we have it , yet another unverifiable account of a battle of unknown size.

Now that is over we have the end tag

¹⁵And Samuel judged Israel all the days of his life.

¹⁶And he went from year to year in circuit to Bethel, and Gilgal, and Mizpeh, and judged Israel in all those places.

¹⁷And his return was to Ramah; for there was his house; and there he judged Israel; and there he built an altar unto the LORD.

1 Samuel 6

1 And the ark of the lord was in the country of the Philistines seven months.

²And the Philistines called for the priests and the diviners, saying, What shall we do to the ark of the LORD? tell us wherewith we shall send it to his place.

³And they said, If ye send away the ark of the God of Israel, send it not empty; but in any wise return him a trespass offering: then ye shall be healed, and it shall be known to you why his hand is not removed from you.

⁴Then said they, What shall be the trespass offering which we shall return to him? They answered, Five golden emerods, and five golden mice, according to the number of the lords of the Philistines: for one plague was on you all, and on your lords.

There has to be a cultural insult there: that has been lost over the centuries

⁵Wherefore ye shall make images of your emerods, and images of your mice that mar the land; and ye shall give glory unto the God of Israel: peradventure he will lighten his hand from off you, and from off your gods, and from off your land.

Not just any old emorods but YOUR emorods. So how does one get an image to make the image of ones own emorods ? Does one struggle with a polished metal plate as a mirror, or does one use mud to make a cast ? Perhaps they had access to latex back then ?


⁶ Wherefore then do ye harden your hearts, as the Egyptians and Pharaoh hardened their hearts? when he had wrought wonderfully among them, did they not let the people go, and they departed?

If the events in exodus were as described and the philistines knew of it why has no actual record ever been found only possible loose connections

⁷Now therefore make a new cart, and take two milch kine, on which there hath come no yoke, and tie the kine to the cart, and bring their calves home from them:

⁸And take the ark of the LORD, and lay it upon the cart; and put the jewels of gold, which ye return him for a trespass offering, in a coffer by the side thereof; and send it away, that it may go.

Still no reports of the Ark vaporizing it's handler's

⁹And see, if it goeth up by the way of his own coast to Bethshemesh, then he hath done us this great evil: but if not, then we shall know that it is not his hand that smote us: it was a chance that happened to us.

¹⁰And the men did so; and took two milch kine, and tied them to the cart, and shut up their calves at home:

You would think that the cows would want to be back with their calves, left to their own devices, they surely would have , but were they left to their own devices? Cows are not exactly known for outstanding intelligence and memory, mostly they are known for tasting good. At the least, the Philistines know if the Israelites god is to be placated it needs to involve some pain and suffering so separating two calves from their mothers will hopefully suffice, but somehow, knowing what a total bastard de lard is, I very much doubt it

/a>

¹¹And they laid the ark of the LORD upon the cart, and the coffer with the mice of gold and the images of their emerods.

¹²And the kine took the straight way to the way of Bethshemesh, and went along the highway, lowing as they went, and turned not aside to the right hand or to the left; and the lords of the Philistines went after them unto the border of Bethshemesh.

¹³And they of Bethshemesh were reaping their wheat harvest in the valley: and they lifted up their eyes, and saw the ark, and rejoiced to see it.

¹⁴And the cart came into the field of Joshua, a Bethshemite, and stood there, where there was a great stone: and they clave the wood of the cart, and offered the kine a burnt offering unto the LORD.

¹⁵And the Levites took down the ark of the LORD, and the coffer that was with it, wherein the jewels of gold were, and put them on the great stone: and the men of Bethshemesh offered burnt offerings and sacrificed sacrifices the same day unto the LORD.

'Cos de lard can't just be satisfied his magic box came home he has to have some dead animals burnt!

¹⁶And when the five lords of the Philistines had seen it, they returned to Ekron the same day.

¹⁷And these are the golden emerods which the Philistines returned for a trespass offering unto the LORD; for Ashdod one, for Gaza one, for Askelon one, for Gath one, for Ekron one;

¹⁸And the golden mice, according to the number of all the cities of the Philistines belonging to the five lords, both of fenced cities, and of country villages, even unto the great stone of Abel, whereon they set down the ark of the LORD: which stone remaineth unto this day in the field of Joshua, the Bethshemite.

¹⁹And he smote the men of Bethshemesh, because they had looked into the ark of the LORD, even he smote of the people fifty thousand and threescore and ten men: and the people lamented, because the LORD had smitten many of the people with a great slaughter.

So the Philistines had the ark for seven months and suffered no ill fates,(apart from piles) and the levites,the people charged with keeping it, get it back, and fifty thousand locals drop dead.

Was it de lard being a total bastard or were the Philistines clever and seeded the ark or the cows with some virulent disease? Anthrax would be possible.

Might explain why no one accompanied the cows and why the calves were kept away from their mothers.

²⁰And the men of Bethshemesh said, Who is able to stand before this holy LORD God? and to whom shall he go up from us?
²¹And they sent messengers to the inhabitants of Kirjathjearim, saying, The Philistines have brought again the ark of the LORD; come ye down, and fetch it up to you.

Y'know I smell something and I don't think its coming from those cows.

1 Samuel 5

¹And the Philistines took the ark of God, and brought it from Ebenezer unto Ashdod.

²When the Philistines took the ark of God, they brought it into the house of Dagon, and set it by Dagon.

They knew not to touch it then or has some of the gold worn away and it no longer is the Leyden jar it once was ?

³And when they of Ashdod arose early on the morrow, behold, Dagon was fallen upon his face to the earth before the ark of the LORD. And they took Dagon, and set him in his place again.

⁴And when they arose early on the morrow morning, behold, Dagon was fallen upon his face to the ground before the ark of the LORD; and the head of Dagon and both the palms of his hands were cut off upon the threshold; only the stump of Dagon was left to him.

⁵Therefore neither the priests of Dagon, nor any that come into Dagon's house, tread on the threshold of Dagon in Ashdod unto this day.

So this is a show of de lards almighty power piles, more likely induced by a poor diet...need more roughage boys and a statue falling over. But doesn't some other fish god turn up later in this tripe?

⁶But the hand of the LORD was heavy upon them of Ashdod, and he destroyed them, and smote them with emerods, even Ashdod and the coasts thereof.

For those that don't know emerods is an archaic spelling of haemorrhoids that's piles. Something that as an all year round biker I am supposed to suffer from. Not so far but if I did I think they would be a pain in the arse.

⁷And when the men of Ashdod saw that it was so, they said, The ark of the God of Israel shall not abide with us: for his hand is sore upon us, and upon Dagon our god.

⁸They sent therefore and gathered all the lords of the Philistines unto them, and said, What shall we do with the ark of the God of Israel? And they answered, Let the ark of the God of Israel be carried about unto Gath. And they carried the ark of the God of Israel about thither.

Why not just destroy it?

⁹And it was so, that, after they had carried it about, the hand of the LORD was against the city with a very great destruction: and he smote the men of the city, both small and great, and they had emerods in their secret parts.

Where else?

¹⁰Therefore they sent the ark of God to Ekron. And it came to pass, as the ark of God came to Ekron, that the Ekronites cried out, saying, They have brought about the ark of the God of Israel to us, to slay us and our people.

¹¹So they sent and gathered together all the lords of the Philistines, and said, Send away the ark of the God of Israel, and let it go again to his own place, that it slay us not, and our people: for there was a deadly destruction throughout all the city; the hand of God was very heavy there.

I don't buy it As I said earlier the piles were no doubt brought on by lack of roughage why? Maybe they were trapped inside a city that was besieged.

¹²And the men that died not were smitten with the emerods: and the cry of the city went up to heaven.
These questions and more answered in the next exciting instalment of samuel and the grapes

Exodus 40

Exodus 40

¹And the LORD spake unto Moses, saying,

²On the first day of the first month shalt thou set up the tabernacle of the tent of the congregation.

³And thou shalt put therein the ark of the testimony, and cover the ark with the vail.

Is it covered so the people that have these laws imposed on them cannot see it was constructed by breaking at least one of the commandments. Or that it was constructed using far less gold than was given taken.

⁴And thou shalt bring in the table, and set in order the things that are to be set in order upon it; and thou shalt bring in the candlestick, and light the lamps thereof.

⁵And thou shalt set the altar of gold for the incense before the ark of the testimony, and put the hanging of the door to the tabernacle.

⁶And thou shalt set the altar of the burnt offering before the door of the tabernacle of the tent of the congregation.

⁷And thou shalt set the laver between the tent of the congregation and the altar, and shalt put water therein.

A laver is apparently a bowl.

⁸And thou shalt set up the court round about, and hang up the hanging at the court gate.

⁹And thou shalt take the anointing oil, and anoint the tabernacle, and all that is therein, and shalt hallow it, and all the vessels thereof: and it shall be holy.

¹⁰And thou shalt anoint the altar of the burnt offering, and all his vessels, and sanctify the altar: and it shall be an altar most holy.

¹¹And thou shalt anoint the laver and his foot, and sanctify it.

¹²And thou shalt bring Aaron and his sons unto the door of the tabernacle of the congregation, and wash them with water.

This still gives me visions of Cher.

¹³And thou shalt put upon Aaron the holy garments, and anoint him, and sanctify him; that he may minister unto me in the priest's office.

¹⁴And thou shalt bring his sons, and clothe them with coats:

¹⁵And thou shalt anoint them, as thou didst anoint their father, that they may minister unto me in the priest's office: for their anointing shall surely be an everlasting priesthood throughout their generations.

¹⁶Thus did Moses: according to all that the LORD commanded him, so did he.

¹⁷And it came to pass in the first month in the second year, on the first day of the month, that the tabernacle was reared up.

¹⁸And Moses reared up the tabernacle, and fastened his sockets, and set up the boards thereof, and put in the bars thereof, and reared up his pillars.

I mentioned Ikea flatpack altars way back in Genesis nice to know they haven't folded.

¹⁹And he spread abroad the tent over the tabernacle, and put the covering of the tent above upon it; as the LORD commanded Moses.

²⁰And he took and put the testimony into the ark, and set the staves on the ark, and put the mercy seat above upon the ark:

²¹And he brought the ark into the tabernacle, and set up the vail of the covering, and covered the ark of the testimony; as the LORD commanded Moses.

²²And he put the table in the tent of the congregation, upon the side of the tabernacle northward, without the vail.

²³And he set the bread in order upon it before the LORD; as the LORD had commanded Moses.

Because Jethro like Jacob many years ago likes his sammiches.

²⁴And he put the candlestick in the tent of the congregation, over against the table, on the side of the tabernacle southward.

²⁵And he lighted the lamps before the LORD; as the LORD commanded Moses.

²⁶And he put the golden altar in the tent of the congregation before the vail:

²⁷And he burnt sweet incense thereon; as the LORD commanded Moses.

²⁸And he set up the hanging at the door of the tabernacle.

²⁹And he put the altar of burnt offering by the door of the tabernacle of the tent of the congregation, and offered upon it the burnt offering and the meat offering; as the LORD commanded Moses.

³⁰And he set the laver between the tent of the congregation and the altar, and put water there, to wash withal.

³¹And Moses and Aaron and his sons washed their hands and their feet there at:

³²When they went into the tent of the congregation, and when they came near unto the altar, they washed; as the LORD commanded Moses.

³³And he reared up the court round about the tabernacle and the altar, and set up the hanging of the court gate. So Moses finished the work.

³⁴Then a cloud covered the tent of the congregation, and the glory of the LORD filled the tabernacle.

After the "appearance of god" on the mountain I am very suspicious of clouds and smoke especially when it involves more manifestations of the alleged almighty. It could well be smoke or some chemical combination giving off a thick vapour.

³⁵And Moses was not able to enter into the tent of the congregation, because the cloud abode thereon, and the glory of the LORD filled the tabernacle.

Especially if Moses or anyone else was unable to enter.

³⁶And when the cloud was taken up from over the tabernacle, the children of Israel went onward in all their journeys:

Perhaps they were just fumigating the Big Tent.

³⁷But if the cloud were not taken up, then they journeyed not till the day that it was taken up.

³⁸For the cloud of the LORD was upon the tabernacle by day, and fire was on it by night, in the sight of all the house of Israel, throughout all their journeys.
Or maybe they are just hiding the breaking of the no fire rule on chilly sabbaths.

I don't know if I am being overly skeptical, I mean coincindences do happen. I have already pointed out similarities with various other myths from the middle and near east, Sargon ,Adapa and others and here I go again the Enuma Elish also contains tablets given from (a)god(ess) to man

Exodus 32

Exodus 32

¹And when the people saw that Moses delayed to come down out of the mount, the people gathered themselves together unto Aaron, and said unto him, Up, make us gods, which shall go before us; for as for this Moses, the man that brought us up out of the land of Egypt, we wot not what is become of him.

Okay! Now I am confused, the last few chapters have not happened they are god saying what will happen, a Dallas moment if you please.

²And Aaron said unto them, Break off the golden earrings, which are in the ears of your wives, of your sons, and of your daughters, and bring them unto me.

But it seems Aaron is thinking like Jethro god.

³And all the people brake off the golden earrings which were in their ears, and brought them unto Aaron.

Good boy you learnt your lessons well, that's right start small fleece them of their earrings first.

⁴And he received them at their hand, and fashioned it with a graving tool, after he had made it a molten calf: and they said, These be thy gods, O Israel, which brought thee up out of the land of Egypt.

⁵And when Aaron saw it, he built an altar before it; and Aaron made proclamation, and said, To morrow is a feast to the LORD.

Same name.....different effigy calf or a box would it really matter to something that was truly divine ?

⁶And they rose up early on the morrow, and offered burnt offerings, and brought peace offerings; and the people sat down to eat and to drink, and rose up to play.

⁷And the LORD said unto Moses, Go, get thee down; for thy people, which thou broughtest out of the land of Egypt, have corrupted themselves:

⁸They have turned aside quickly out of the way which I commanded them: they have made them a molten calf, and have worshipped it, and have sacrificed thereunto, and said, These be thy gods, O Israel, which have brought thee up out of the land of Egypt.

⁹And the LORD said unto Moses, I have seen this people, and, behold, it is a stiff necked people:

¹⁰Now therefore let me alone, that my wrath may wax hot against them, and that I may consume them: and I will make of thee a great nation.

¹¹And Moses besought the LORD his God, and said, LORD, why doth thy wrath wax hot against thy people, which thou hast brought forth out of the land of Egypt with great power, and with a mighty hand?

¹²Wherefore should the Egyptians speak, and say, For mischief did he bring them out, to slay them in the mountains, and to consume them from the face of the earth? Turn from thy fierce wrath, and repent of this evil against thy people.

¹³Remember Abraham, Isaac, and Israel, thy servants, to whom thou swarest by thine own self, and saidst unto them, I will multiply your seed as the stars of heaven, and all this land that I have spoken of will I give unto your seed, and they shall inherit it for ever.

¹⁴And the LORD repented of the evil which he thought to do unto his people.

Is it just me? Or would you not expect god to be above such petty emotions, especially that any inadequacies man shows can only be attributed to his design.

¹⁵And Moses turned, and went down from the mount, and the two tables of the testimony were in his hand: the tables were written on both their sides; on the one side and on the other were they written.

¹⁶And the tables were the work of God, and the writing was the writing of God, graven upon the tables.

¹⁷And when Joshua heard the noise of the people as they shouted, he said unto Moses, There is a noise of war in the camp.

¹⁸And he said, It is not the voice of them that shout for mastery, neither is it the voice of them that cry for being overcome: but the noise of them that sing do I hear.

¹⁹And it came to pass, as soon as he came nigh unto the camp, that he saw the calf, and the dancing: and Moses' anger waxed hot, and he cast the tables out of his hands, and brake them beneath the mount.

He's angry not because of the calf but because they are daring to be happy and party without permission.

²⁰And he took the calf which they had made, and burnt it in the fire, and ground it to powder, and strawed it upon the water, and made the children of Israel drink of it.

Mmmm! Gold water (goldwasser is a very nice polish liqueur)

²¹And Moses said unto Aaron, What did this people unto thee, that thou hast brought so great a sin upon them?

²²And Aaron said, Let not the anger of my lord wax hot: thou knowest the people, that they are set on mischief.

That's it Aaron prove you're part of the family, pass the buck, deny all responsibility.

²³For they said unto me, Make us gods, which shall go before us: for as for this Moses, the man that brought us up out of the land of Egypt, we wot not what is become of him.

²⁴And I said unto them, Whosoever hath any gold, let them break it off. So they gave it me: then I cast it into the fire, and there came out this calf.

Goddidit! Honest bruv.

²⁵And when Moses saw that the people were naked; (for Aaron had made them naked unto their shame among their enemies:)

Wow! A REAL Party.

²⁶Then Moses stood in the gate of the camp, and said, Who is on the LORD's side? let him come unto me. And all the sons of Levi gathered themselves together unto him.

²⁷And he said unto them, Thus saith the LORD God of Israel, Put every man his sword by his side, and go in and out from gate to gate throughout the camp, and slay every man his brother, and every man his companion, and every man his neighbour.

To prove god is love........ Go kill any fucker caught enjoying themselves or any fucker that looks like they might enjoy themselves given half a chance.

²⁸And the children of Levi did according to the word of Moses: and there fell of the people that day about three thousand men.

²⁹For Moses had said, Consecrate yourselves today to the LORD, even every man upon his son, and upon his brother; that he may bestow upon you a blessing this day.

³⁰And it came to pass on the morrow, that Moses said unto the people, Ye have sinned a great sin: and now I will go up unto the LORD; peradventure I shall make an atonement for your sin.

³¹And Moses returned unto the LORD, and said, Oh, this people have sinned a great sin, and have made them gods of gold.

³²Yet now, if thou wilt forgive their sin--; and if not, blot me, I pray thee, out of thy book which thou hast written.

³³And the LORD said unto Moses, Whosoever hath sinned against me, him will I blot out of my book.

³⁴Therefore now go, lead the people unto the place of which I have spoken unto thee: behold, mine Angel shall go before thee: nevertheless in the day when I visit I will visit their sin upon them.

³⁵And the LORD plagued the people, because they made the calf, which Aaron made.
They made the calf which Aaron made......Guilt by association

Tell me again about gods wisdom..

Exodus 30

Exodus 30

¹And thou shalt make an altar to burn incense upon: of shittim wood shalt thou make it.

So the peasants are still hard at it,slaving away furnishing the big tent. No wonder they want to burn some incense. The smell coming from the peasants encampment must be rank !

²A cubit shall be the length thereof, and a cubit the breadth thereof; foursquare shall it be: and two cubits shall be the height thereof: the horns thereof shall be of the same.

³And thou shalt overlay it with pure gold, the top thereof, and the sides thereof round about, and the horns thereof; and thou shalt make unto it a crown of gold round about.

⁴And two golden rings shalt thou make to it under the crown of it, by the two corners thereof, upon the two sides of it shalt thou make it; and they shall be for places for the staves to bear it withal.

⁵And thou shalt make the staves of shittim wood, and overlay them with gold.

No expense spared, would it be as extravagent if Moses and family had to pay for it ?

⁶And thou shalt put it before the vail that is by the ark of the testimony, before the mercy seat that is over the testimony, where I will meet with thee.

⁷And Aaron shall burn thereon sweet incense every morning: when he dresseth the lamps, he shall burn incense upon it.

Yup that'll mask the stench alright.

⁸And when Aaron lighteth the lamps at even, he shall burn incense upon it, a perpetual incense before the LORD throughout your generations.

⁹Ye shall offer no strange incense thereon, nor burnt sacrifice, nor meat offering; neither shall ye pour drink offering thereon.

Otherwise they might have to clean it themselves, or worse still pay someone else to do it.

¹⁰And Aaron shall make an atonement upon the horns of it once in a year with the blood of the sin offering of atonements: once in the year shall he make atonement upon it throughout your generations: it is most holy unto the LORD.

¹¹And the LORD spake unto Moses, saying,

¹²When thou takest the sum of the children of Israel after their number, then shall they give every man a ransom for his soul unto the LORD, when thou numberest them; that there be no plague among them, when thou numberest them.

Which is to say "count the survivors so we can convince future generations none really died in egypt"

¹³This they shall give, every one that passeth among them that are numbered, half a shekel after the shekel of the sanctuary: (a shekel is twenty gerahs:) an half shekel shall be the offering of the LORD.

They must have run out of gold and jewellery.

¹⁴Every one that passeth among them that are numbered, from twenty years old and above, shall give an offering unto the LORD.

Because we live in a lush forest full of shittim trees and shekel bushes. Not in a desert,at the foot of some mountain.

¹⁵The rich shall not give more, and the poor shall not give less than half a shekel, when they give an offering unto the LORD, to make an atonement for your souls.

Fleece the poor till thier last shekel is gone then they can sell themselves into slavery for the lawd, Hally-fuckin'-loo-bastard -yah.

¹⁶And thou shalt take the atonement money of the children of Israel, and shalt appoint it for the service of the tabernacle of the congregation; that it may be a memorial unto the children of Israel before the LORD, to make an atonement for your souls.

Because, de lawd, creator of the universe, needs gold and is incapable of making any.

¹⁷And the LORD spake unto Moses, saying,

¹⁸Thou shalt also make a laver of brass, and his foot also of brass, to wash withal: and thou shalt put it between the tabernacle of the congregation and the altar, and thou shalt put water therein.

¹⁹For Aaron and his sons shall wash their hands and their feet thereat:

Class tent that... Now with bathroom !

²⁰When they go into the tabernacle of the congregation, they shall wash with water, that they die not; or when they come near to the altar to minister, to burn offering made by fire unto the LORD:

²¹So they shall wash their hands and their feet, that they die not: and it shall be a statute for ever to them, even to him and to his seed throughout their generations.

Because as we all know not washing your hands and feet will prove to be fatal

²²Moreover the LORD spake unto Moses, saying,

²³Take thou also unto thee principal spices, of pure myrrh five hundred shekels, and of sweet cinnamon half so much, even two hundred and fifty shekels, and of sweet calamus two hundred and fifty shekels,

²⁴And of cassia five hundred shekels, after the shekel of the sanctuary, and of oil olive an hin:

²⁵And thou shalt make it an oil of holy ointment, an ointment compound after the art of the apothecary: it shall be an holy anointing oil.

Because we don't want to be going round smelling like commoners now do we ?

²⁶And thou shalt anoint the tabernacle of the congregation therewith, and the ark of the testimony,

²⁷And the table and all his vessels, and the candlestick and his vessels, and the altar of incense,

²⁸And the altar of burnt offering with all his vessels, and the laver and his foot.

²⁹And thou shalt sanctify them, that they may be most holy: whatsoever toucheth them shall be holy.

Does this actually mean "only the holy may touch it, no grubby peasants to touch the precious things, it's a holy tent for holy people"

nd if it does , does that also mean that the word holy, which we think of as meaning spiritual, and in some way better , actually means possessed by selfish,spiteful thieves who should not be trusted with anything ever?

³⁰And thou shalt anoint Aaron and his sons, and consecrate them, that they may minister unto me in the priest's office.

³¹And thou shalt speak unto the children of Israel, saying, This shall be an holy anointing oil unto me throughout your generations.

³²Upon man's flesh shall it not be poured, neither shall ye make any other like it, after the composition of it: it is holy, and it shall be holy unto you.

³³Whosoever compoundeth any like it, or whosoever putteth any of it upon a stranger, shall even be cut off from his people.

³⁴And the LORD said unto Moses, Take unto thee sweet spices, stacte, and onycha, and galbanum; these sweet spices with pure frankincense: of each shall there be a like weight:

³⁵And thou shalt make it a perfume, a confection after the art of the apothecary, tempered together, pure and holy:

³⁶And thou shalt beat some of it very small, and put of it before the testimony in the tabernacle of the congregation, where I will meet with thee: it shall be unto you most holy.

³⁷And as for the perfume which thou shalt make, ye shall not make to yourselves according to the composition thereof: it shall be unto thee holy for the LORD.

³⁸Whosoever shall make like unto that, to smell thereto, shall even be cut off from his people.

Do you not find it strange ? That we are forever being told that god hates fags/poofs/gays and yet throughout genesis, god and many of the so-called patriarchs were shagging each other silly. Now gods tent has everything "just so",ultra clean and smells like a tarts boudoir, hey, fundy boys and girls I got some news for you...........YOUR GOD MAKES ELTON JOHN LOOK BUTCH !

Exodus 27

Moses gets them to put a nice fence round Jethro's house

¹And thou shalt make an altar of shittim wood, five cubits long, and five cubits broad; the altar shall be foursquare: and the height thereof shall be three cubits.

²And thou shalt make the horns of it upon the four corners thereof: his horns shall be of the same: and thou shalt overlay it with brass.

³And thou shalt make his pans to receive his ashes, and his shovels, and his basons, and his fleshhooks, and his firepans: all the vessels thereof thou shalt make of brass.

⁴And thou shalt make for it a grate of network of brass; and upon the net shalt thou make four brasen rings in the four corners thereof.

⁵And thou shalt put it under the compass of the altar beneath, that the net may be even to the midst of the altar.

⁶And thou shalt make staves for the altar, staves of shittim wood, and overlay them with brass.

⁷And the staves shall be put into the rings, and the staves shall be upon the two sides of the altar, to bear it.

⁸Hollow with boards shalt thou make it: as it was shewed thee in the mount, so shall they make it.

⁹And thou shalt make the court of the tabernacle: for the south side southward there shall be hangings for the court of fine twined linen of an hundred cubits long for one side:

¹⁰And the twenty pillars thereof and their twenty sockets shall be of brass; the hooks of the pillars and their fillets shall be of silver.

¹¹And likewise for the north side in length there shall be hangings of an hundred cubits long, and his twenty pillars and their twenty sockets of brass; the hooks of the pillars and their fillets of silver.

¹²And for the breadth of the court on the west side shall be hangings of fifty cubits: their pillars ten, and their sockets ten.

¹³And the breadth of the court on the east side eastward shall be fifty cubits.

¹⁴The hangings of one side of the gate shall be fifteen cubits: their pillars three, and their sockets three.

¹⁵And on the other side shall be hangings fifteen cubits: their pillars three, and their sockets three.

¹⁶And for the gate of the court shall be an hanging of twenty cubits, of blue, and purple, and scarlet, and fine twined linen, wrought with needlework: and their pillars shall be four, and their sockets four.

¹⁷All the pillars round about the court shall be filleted with silver; their hooks shall be of silver, and their sockets of brass.

¹⁸The length of the court shall be an hundred cubits, and the breadth fifty every where, and the height five cubits of fine twined linen, and their sockets of brass.

¹⁹All the vessels of the tabernacle in all the service thereof, and all the pins thereof, and all the pins of the court, shall be of brass.

²⁰And thou shalt command the children of Israel, that they bring thee pure oil olive beaten for the light, to cause the lamp to burn always.

²¹In the tabernacle of the congregation without the vail, which is before the testimony, Aaron and his sons shall order it from evening to morning before the LORD: it shall be a statute for ever unto their generations on the behalf of the children of Israel.
I so want to ridicule this but I can't . Yes I have no doubt that either Moses, Aaron or Jethro benefited immensely from this endeavour, but I also accept It would have helped focus the Israelites, giving them a common cause and at its completion communal ownership and a focal point.

Exodus 25

Exodus 25

¹And the LORD spake unto Moses, saying.

For the purposes of this era feel free of course to substitute the name Jethro for lord unless you can make scheming con artist into the dialogue.

²Speak unto the children of Israel, that they bring me an offering: of every man that giveth it willingly with his heart ye shall take my offering.

³And this is the offering which ye shall take of them; gold, and silver, and brass,

⁴And blue, and purple, and scarlet, and fine linen, and goats' hair,

⁵And rams' skins dyed red, and badgers' skins, and shittim wood,

⁶Oil for the light, spices for anointing oil, and for sweet incense,

⁷Onyx stones, and stones to be set in the ephod, and in the breastplate.

⁸And let them make me a sanctuary; that I may dwell among them.

A wealth of possessions, especially for former slaves, did they steal them, were they "spoils of war" from the battle with Amelek and his people at Rephidim ?

⁹According to all that I shew thee, after the pattern of the tabernacle, and the pattern of all the instruments thereof, even so shall ye make it.

Now, The text tells us for a change in great detail how they constructed the Ark of the Covenent.

¹⁰And they shall make an ark of shittim wood: two cubits and a half shall be the length thereof, and a cubit and a half the breadth thereof, and a cubit and a half the height thereof.

¹¹And thou shalt overlay it with pure gold, within and without shalt thou overlay it, and shalt make upon it a crown of gold round about.

¹²And thou shalt cast four rings of gold for it, and put them in the four corners thereof; and two rings shall be in the one side of it, and two rings in the other side of it.

¹³And thou shalt make staves of shittim wood, and overlay them with gold.

¹⁴And thou shalt put the staves into the rings by the sides of the ark, that the ark may be borne with them.

¹⁵The staves shall be in the rings of the ark: they shall not be taken from it.

Now let us look at the construct from a different point of view.

Make a box from an insulating material.

Cover it inside and out with a conductive material.

Give it fixtures so insulated handles can be attached, so it can be moved without touching it directly.

This, in laymens terms is basically what is now known as a Leyden Jar or its more modern counterpart a capacitor.

You may want to read this

¹⁶And thou shalt put into the ark the testimony which I shall give thee.

¹⁷And thou shalt make a mercy seat of pure gold: two cubits and a half shall be the length thereof, and a cubit and a half the breadth thereof.

¹⁸And thou shalt make two cherubims of gold, of beaten work shalt thou make them, in the two ends of the mercy seat.

¹⁹And make one cherub on the one end, and the other cherub on the other end: even of the mercy seat shall ye make the cherubims on the two ends thereof.

²⁰And the cherubims shall stretch forth their wings on high, covering the mercy seat with their wings, and their faces shall look one to another; toward the mercy seat shall the faces of the cherubims be.

²¹And thou shalt put the mercy seat above upon the ark; and in the ark thou shalt put the testimony that I shall give thee.

²²And there I will meet with thee, and I will commune with thee from above the mercy seat, from between the two cherubims which are upon the ark of the testimony, of all things which I will give thee in commandment unto the children of Israel.

Strange no mention of two tin cans and a piece of string.

Or perhaps the cherubims are the tin cans and its only the string missing ?

Umm Exodus 20 v4: "Thou shalt not make unto thee any graven image, or any likeness of any thing that is in heaven above, or that is in the earth beneath, or that is in the water under the earth."

For that matter what about thou shalt not steal, lie, etc. How many of the ten commandments were broken in the commandeering and building of the ark and ancillaries ?

²³Thou shalt also make a table of shittim wood: two cubits shall be the length thereof, and a cubit the breadth thereof, and a cubit and a half the height thereof.

²⁴And thou shalt overlay it with pure gold, and make thereto a crown of gold round about.

²⁵And thou shalt make unto it a border of an hand breadth round about, and thou shalt make a golden crown to the border thereof round about.

²⁶And thou shalt make for it four rings of gold, and put the rings in the four corners that are on the four feet thereof.

²⁷Over against the border shall the rings be for places of the staves to bear the table.

Ok, Ok! Enough is enough, the ark body itself I can understand the use of gold( it can be beaten really thin to cover a large surface area) but a chair, table and snuff trays, that is just sheer decadence. For a religion that prides itself (allegedly) for giving hope to the poor why does it need them to be bled dry.

Perhaps once all physical hope is gone you can only turn to the supernatural, fuck these midianite priests could teach modern psychologists a thing or two about mind control, even Scientology comes up a long way behind.

²⁸And thou shalt make the staves of shittim wood, and overlay them with gold, that the table may be borne with them.

²⁹And thou shalt make the dishes thereof, and spoons thereof, and covers thereof, and bowls thereof, to cover withal: of pure gold shalt thou make them.

³⁰And thou shalt set upon the table shewbread before me alway.

³¹And thou shalt make a candlestick of pure gold: of beaten work shall the candlestick be made: his shaft, and his branches, his bowls, his knops, and his flowers, shall be of the same.

³²And six branches shall come out of the sides of it; three branches of the candlestick out of the one side, and three branches of the candlestick out of the other side:

³³Three bowls made like unto almonds, with a knop and a flower in one branch; and three bowls made like almonds in the other branch, with a knop and a flower: so in the six branches that come out of the candlestick.

³⁴And in the candlesticks shall be four bowls made like unto almonds, with their knops and their flowers.

³⁵And there shall be a knop under two branches of the same, and a knop under two branches of the same, and a knop under two branches of the same, according to the six branches that proceed out of the candlestick.

³⁶Their knops and their branches shall be of the same: all it shall be one beaten work of pure gold.

³⁷And thou shalt make the seven lamps thereof: and they shall light the lamps thereof, that they may give light over against it.

³⁸And the tongs thereof, and the snuffdishes thereof, shall be of pure gold.

Snuff dishes are not dishes for taking snuff or some other sniffable drug but are for snuffing lamps

³⁹Of a talent of pure gold shall he make it, with all these vessels.

⁴⁰And look that thou make them after their pattern, which was shewed thee in the mount.

Great ! The refugees are stuck at the foot of a mountain now having to support a parasitical hierarchy , while Moses and his acolytes are fleecing them of their worldly goods to make a box, a table, some candlesticks and associated tools.
It's probably good psychology to give the otherwise aimless people direction, Just a bonus that it removed valuble commodities from people one question remains to be asked .....Was all given utilised in the constructions or did "god" take his 10% ?