1 Samuel Recap

 I actually enjoyed reading this book, although you wouldn't think so seeings how long it took.

So we start this book with the familiar tale of a barren woman,married to an old man. We know she is the infertile one in the relationship as there is another wife with children. There is no mention whether these children look more like “uncle Abu Ben Fucker” or their “father”

After “visiting” the local priest and his sons, the barren wife is found unconscious as if drunken and then the following day miraculously conceives as she does after every following annual visit.

The legitimate sons of Eli the priest are greedy and known for taking whatever they fancy.

Eli takes her first-born under his wing and teaches him the priestly duties as he did with his own sons.

As the years go by young Sam hears de lard whispering sweet nothings as he spends nights staying with his grandad mentor.

We then get into a war with the Philistines with a smattering of prophesy and fables thrown in to blame the pasting the Israelites get on Eli and his sons that are all dead after the battle. Eli died after falling off his chair.

During this battle the Philistines capture the fabled ark the Israelites are apparently more upset about losing their magic box than they are about losing their friends and relatives.

The Philistines are struck with piles, supposedly as a punishment from de lard. Strange how after proving himself by being a pain in their collective arses they do not bow down and worship him. The result of this, is for the Philistines utilising the foremost science and medicine of the time. Throw the ark, accompanied by some mice and haemorrhoids made of gold into a cart drawn by some ex heifer's, then release them. I wonder whether that's where the phrase “Having piles of gold come from.”

The cows take the Ark to the Levites who upon receipt of de lards box are rewarded by de lards gratitude with 50,000 dead.(20,000)more than those that died when they lost the Ark). We must however remember maths are not the scribes strong point.

Twenty years down the line Sam still has his invisible friend and decides the Israelites must stop worshipping Baalim(gods) and Ashteroth(Mrs de lard) To do this he calls all the Israelites together. The Philistines would have seized this opportunity to finish them off but Sam called up the power of de lard by butchering a lamb so de lard would scare them with a thunderstorm.

Sam is promoted to seer and sees himself as king, something the people do not want, strangely enough, de lard agrees with them.

Enter Saul from stage left. Saul is taken under Sam’s wing and chosen to be king. The relationship between Sam and Saul seems to be more than just friends. Even so Saul manages to father Johnathan.

Saul settles into his kingly role and starts to antagonize the Philistines the narrative seems to lose the plot and any grasp of mathematics when reporting skirmishes.

We then get into a couple of incidents that involve de omniscient one admitting to lack of fore sight and mistakes so repenting and changing his mind. Sam dies and Saul, either through grief or just being inept, becomes the crappiest crappy king in crapland.

We then have the David and Goliath tale quickly followed by Jonny and David getting friendly, very friendly. A relationship that Saul disapproves of so much he “gives” him his daughter as a wife. Yet demanding 100 Philistine foreskins as a payment. David killed 200 men to get these???

Saul was not happy with David’s success and wanted to kill him, Johnny made him promise that he would not. A promise as good as de lards, as he tried but David escaped.

He assembles a small band of men and roams Saul follows in two or one encounters David could have killed Saul and didn't. They then have two or one pow wows which ends with Saul admitting he was wrong and allowing David and his merry men to go on their way. They go to the land of the Philistines and get less shit of their”enemies” than they got from their kinsmen. In return he and his men became mercenaries for the philistines but without the philistines softer side.

Saul battles with the Philistines and johnny is killed.

Saul shows his cowardice bravery and lack of dignity by topping himself

To,sum it all up Power, Gay sex Power more gay sex with a shit load of death thrown in.

Genesis 39

Genesis 39

¹And Joseph was brought down to Egypt; and Potiphar, an officer of Pharaoh, captain of the guard, an Egyptian, bought him of the hands of the Ishmeelites, which had brought him down thither.
²And the LORD was with Joseph, and he was a prosperous man; and he was in the house of his master the Egyptian.
³And his master saw that the LORD was with him, and that the LORD made all that he did to prosper in his hand.
⁴And Joseph found grace in his sight, and he served him: and he made him overseer over his house, and all that he had he put into his hand.
We have no direct evidence either from the bible or from current knowledge of ancient egypt on how slaves were treated at this time. Mostly because we dont know when this time was. Adherents to the young earth bollocks will have you think it was around 2,000 -1,800 bce. However if this is proven to be correct it pushes sodom and gommorah back by 5-800 years and Joseph back by as much.

Ignoring the date however I think it is safe to assume given his "family" background of deception, double dealing and the urge to say "Theydidit" whenever the situation arises prepared him well for a life of slavery.

⁵And it came to pass from the time that he had made him overseer in his house, and over all that he had, that the LORD blessed the Egyptian's house for Joseph's sake; and the blessing of the LORD was upon all that he had in the house, and in the field.

Some say the cream rises to the top others are more realistic and say shit floats.

⁶And he left all that he had in Joseph's hand; and he knew not ought he had, save the bread which he did eat. And Joseph was a goodly person, and well favoured.
⁷And it came to pass after these things, that his master's wife cast her eyes upon Joseph; and she said, Lie with me.
⁸But he refused, and said unto his master's wife, Behold, my master wotteth not what is with me in the house, and he hath committed all that he hath to my hand;

Not a very good slave, or a very good slave depends on your point of view personally I think either she was a minger and that made his decision for him, or she was fit as fuck and he tried to slip her one, perhaps assuming because she was dressed in a way he was not familiar with she was easy.

⁹There is none greater in this house than I; neither hath he kept back any thing from me but thee, because thou art his wife: how then can I do this great wickedness, and sin against God?

Have I missed something up till now I thought it was Ok for this family's men to shag almost any female or is "his god" in this circumstance his master Potiphar.

¹⁰And it came to pass, as she spake to Joseph day by day, that he hearkened not unto her, to lie by her, or to be with her.
¹¹And it came to pass about this time, that Joseph went into the house to do his business; and there was none of the men of the house there within.
¹²And she caught him by his garment, saying, Lie with me: and he left his garment in her hand, and fled, and got him out.

Brian Rix and Hattie Jaques nowhere to be seen.

¹³And it came to pass, when she saw that he had left his garment in her hand, and was fled forth,
¹⁴That she called unto the men of her house, and spake unto them, saying, See, he hath brought in an Hebrew unto us to mock us; he came in unto me to lie with me, and I cried with a loud voice:
¹⁵And it came to pass, when he heard that I lifted up my voice and cried, that he left his garment with me, and fled, and got him out.
¹⁶And she laid up his garment by her, until his lord came home.
¹⁷And she spake unto him according to these words, saying, The Hebrew servant, which thou hast brought unto us, came in unto me to mock me:
¹⁸And it came to pass, as I lifted up my voice and cried, that he left his garment with me, and fled out.
¹⁹And it came to pass, when his master heard the words of his wife, which she spake unto him, saying, After this manner did thy servant to me; that his wrath was kindled.

What bothers me about this is we have a meeting of two very different cultures. Hebrew - Women treated as possessions, heavily clothed.
Egyptian- Women almost if not equal to men, for the most part as he would perceive almost naked.
Question.- Would not an innocent young man brought into this culture be able to see Mrs Potiphar in any other light if she was just a little bit friendly.

²⁰And Joseph's master took him, and put him into the prison, a place where the king's prisoners were bound: and he was there in the prison.
²¹But the LORD was with Joseph, and shewed him mercy, and gave him favour in the sight of the keeper of the prison.

Again his flair for verbal backstabbing puts him in good stead.

²²And the keeper of the prison committed to Joseph's hand all the prisoners that were in the prison; and whatsoever they did there, he was the doer of it.

Let's face it he is a slimy little weasel who can and does manipulate all around him.

²³The keeper of the prison looked not to any thing that was under his hand; because the LORD was with him, and that which he did, the LORD made it to prosper.