2 Samuel 12

1. And the LORD sent Nathan unto David. And he came unto him, and said unto him, There were two men in one city; the one rich, and the other poor.

2The rich man had exceeding many flocks and herds: 

3 But the poor man had nothing, save one little ewe lamb, which he had bought and nourished up: and it grew up together with him, and with his children; it did eat of his own meat, and drank of his own cup, and lay in his bosom, and was unto him as a daughter.

Wow a carnivourous lamb, for a book that apparently denies evolution it sure does list alot of evolutionary failures(four legged birds and insects, talking snakes and now a meat eating ruminant)

I also worry about him treating it as his daughter, with the incestuous history of some patriarchs I wonder whether David is actually Daffydd?

 

4 And there came a traveler unto the rich man, and he spared to take of his own flock and of his own herd, to dress for the wayfaring man that was come unto him; but took the poor man's lamb, and dressed it for the man that was come to him.

5 And David's anger was greatly kindled against the man; and he said to Nathan, As the LORD liveth, the man that hath done this thing shall surely die:

6 And he shall restore the lamb fourfold, because he did this thing, and because he had no pity.

Fuck me! Some one actually using the laws of moses to punish a crime. Exodus 22:1 " If a man shall steal an ox, or a sheep, and kill it, or sell it; he shall restore five oxen for an ox, and four sheep for a sheep."

Here endeth the irrelevent filler.
And resume the story.
 

7 And Nathan said to David, Thou art the man. Thus saith the LORD God of Israel, I anointed thee king over Israel, and I delivered thee out of the hand of Saul; 

8 And I gave thee thy master's house, and thy master's wives into thy bosom, and gave thee the house of Israel and of Judah; and if that had been too little, I would moreover have given unto thee such and such things. 

9 Wherefore hast thou despised the commandment of the LORD, to do evil in his sight? thou hast killed Uriah the Hittite with the sword, and hast taken his wife to be thy wife, and hast slain him with the sword of the children of Ammon.

What a suprise, delard didn't see it coming, and did nothing to prevent it. It's almost as though he wasn't really there.
 

10 Now therefore the sword shall never depart from thine house; because thou hast despised me, and hast taken the wife of Uriah the Hittite to be thy wife. 

11 Thus saith the LORD, Behold, I will raise up evil against thee out of thine own house, and I will take thy wives before thine eyes, and give them unto thy neighbor, and he shall lie with thy wives in the sight of this sun.

12 For thou didst it secretly: but I will do this thing before all Israel, and before the sun. 

13 And David said unto Nathan, I have sinned against the LORD. And Nathan said unto David, The LORD also hath put away thy sin; thou shalt not die. 

14 Howbeit, because by this deed thou hast given great occasion to the enemies of the LORD to blaspheme, the child also that is born unto thee shall surely die. 

15 And Nathan departed unto his house. And the LORD struck the child that Uriah's wife bare unto David, and it was very sick.

So for Davids crime. The widow of Uriah, now married to David suffers a sickly, no doubt soon to be dead child. So who is the one getting punished here?
 

16 David therefore besought God for the child; and David fasted, and went in, and lay all night upon the earth.

17 And the elders of his house arose, and went to him, to raise him up from the earth: but he would not, neither did he eat bread with them.
Because that will really make up for breaking how many of delards big 10 commandments ?

18 And it came to pass on the seventh day, that the child died. And the servants of David feared to tell him that the child was dead: for they said, Behold, while the child was yet alive, we spake unto him, and he would not hearken unto our voice: how will he then vex himself, if we tell him that the child is dead?

19 But when David saw that his servants whispered, David perceived that the child was dead: therefore David said unto his servants, Is the child dead? And they said, He is dead. 

20 Then David arose from the earth, and washed, and anointed himself, and changed his apparel, and came into the house of the LORD, and worshipped: then he came to his own house; and when he required, they set bread before him, and he did eat.

21 Then said his servants unto him, What thing is this that thou hast done? thou didst fast and weep for the child, while it was alive; but when the child was dead, thou didst rise and eat bread. 

22 And he said, While the child was yet alive, I fasted and wept: for I said, Who can tell whether GOD will be gracious to me, that the child may live?

23 But now he is dead, wherefore should I fast? can I bring him back again? I shall go to him, but he shall not return to me. 

24 And David comforted Bathsheba his wife, and went in unto her, and lay with her: and she bare a son, and he called his name Solomon: and the LORD loved him.

"comforted"? by giveing her a good fucking. That somehow seems wrong, but what do I know?
 

25 And he sent by the hand of Nathan the prophet; and he called his name Jedidiah, because of the LORD. 

26 And Joab fought against Rabbah of the children of Ammon, and took the royal city. 

27 And Joab sent messengers to David, and said, I have fought against Rabbah, and have taken the city of waters. 

28 Now therefore gather the rest of the people together, and encamp against the city, and take it: lest I take the city, and it be called after my name. 

29 And David gathered all the people together, and went to Rabbah, and fought against it, and took it.
 30 And he took their king's crown from off his head, the weight whereof was a talent of gold with the precious stones: and it was set on David's head. And he brought forth the spoil of the city in great abundance.

Religion what's it all about?

31 And he brought forth the people that were therein, and put them under saws, and under harrows of iron, and under axes of iron, and made them pass through the brick-kiln: and thus did he unto all the cities of the children of Ammon. So David and all the people returned unto Jerusalem.

This last verse, wow can you feel the love. Or does the the pain of being butchered and burned obscure it?
Do you think delard enjoyed the smell of burning flesh? Perhaps that's why he has a downer on pork. one sniff of bacon and instant priapus. 

2 Samuel 11

   ¹And it came to pass, after the year was expired, at the time when kings go forth to battle, that David sent Joab, and his servants with him, and all Israel; and they destroyed the children of Ammon, and besieged Rabbah. But David tarried still at Jerusalem.

"tarried in jerusalem" 
Or to put it another way..........Far from the fighting, living in the lap of luxury surrounded by servants and sycophants.

   ²And it came to pass in an eveningtide, that David arose from off his bed, and walked upon the roof of the king's house: and from the roof he saw a woman washing herself; and the woman was very beautiful to look upon. 

Three things here.
1. "eveningtide, that David arose from off his bed" lazy bastard, while people are warring for him he lazes around all day in his pit.
2. A woman? I repeat a woman?
3."very beautiful to look upon" I assume that means she was flat chested and had narrow hips.


   ³And David sent and enquired after the woman. And one said, Is not this Bathsheba, the daughter of Eliam, the wife of Uriah the Hittite?

Would this be the time to recall the tenth commandment.
Thou shalt not covert thy neighbours  wife, nor his manservant, nor his maidservant, nor his ox, nor his ass, nor any thing that is thy neighbour's

   ⁴And David sent messengers, and took her; and she came in unto him, and he lay with her; for she was purified from her uncleanness: and she returned unto her house.

Need I say "thou shalt not commit adultery

   ⁵And the woman conceived, and sent and told David, and said, I am with child. 
   ⁶And David sent to Joab, saying, Send me Uriah the Hittite. And Joab sent Uriah to David.
   ⁷And when Uriah was come unto him, David demanded of him how Joab did, and how the people did, and how the war prospered.
   ⁸And David said to Uriah, Go down to thy house, and wash thy feet. And Uriah departed out of the king's house, and there followed him a mess of meat from the king.
   ⁹But Uriah slept at the door of the king's house with all the servants of his lord, and went not down to his house.

So Davids idea to pass the buck on Uriah did not work.
 
   ¹⁰And when they had told David, saying, Uriah went not down unto his house, David said unto Uriah, Camest thou not from thy journey? why then didst thou not go down unto thine house?
   ¹¹And Uriah said unto David, The ark, and Israel, and Judah, abide in tents; and my lord Joab, and the servants of my lord, are encamped in the open fields; shall I then go into mine house, to eat and to drink, and to lie with my wife? as thou livest, and as thy soul liveth, I will not do this thing. 

Oooh bitchy! but true.

   ¹²And David said to Uriah, Tarry here to day also, and to morrow I will let thee depart. So Uriah abode in Jerusalem that day, and the morrow.
   ¹³And when David had called him, he did eat and drink before him; and he made him drunk: and at even he went out to lie on his bed with the servants of his lord, but went not down to his house.
   ¹⁴And it came to pass in the morning, that David wrote a letter to Joab, and sent it by the hand of Uriah.
   ¹⁵And he wrote in the letter, saying, Set ye Uriah in the forefront of the hottest battle, and retire ye from him, that he may be smitten, and die.

What a bastard! None the less, a way of getting around breaking another one of the commandments.

   ¹⁶And it came to pass, when Joab observed the city, that he assigned Uriah unto a place where he knew that valiant men were.
   ¹⁷And the men of the city went out, and fought with Joab: and there fell some of the people of the servants of David; and Uriah the Hittite died also.
   ¹⁸Then Joab sent and told David all the things concerning the war;
   ¹⁹And charged the messenger, saying, When thou hast made an end of telling the matters of the war unto the king,
   ²⁰And if so be that the king's wrath arise, and he say unto thee, Wherefore approached ye so nigh unto the city when ye did fight? knew ye not that they would shoot from the wall?
   ²¹Who smote Abimelech the son of Jerubbesheth? did not a woman cast a piece of a millstone upon him from the wall, that he died in Thebez? why went ye nigh the wall? then say thou, Thy servant Uriah the Hittite is dead also.
   ²²So the messenger went, and came and shewed David all that Joab had sent him for.
   ²³And the messenger said unto David, Surely the men prevailed against us, and came out unto us into the field, and we were upon them even unto the entering of the gate.
   ²⁴And the shooters shot from off the wall upon thy servants; and some of the king's servants be dead, and thy servant Uriah the Hittite is dead also.
   ²⁵Then David said unto the messenger, Thus shalt thou say unto Joab, Let not this thing displease thee, for the sword devoureth one as well as another: make thy battle more strong against the city, and overthrow it: and encourage thou him.
   ²⁶And when the wife of Uriah heard that Uriah her husband was dead, she mourned for her husband.
   ²⁷And when the mourning was past, David sent and fetched her to his house, and she became his wife, and bare him a son. But the thing that David had done displeased the LORD.

So delard is displeased?
I am now confused, for centuries if not millenia delard has positively rewarded his people for being murderous, decietful and total bastards. You would have thought David would have been given a huge bounty by delard. 

2 Samuel 5

   ¹Then came all the tribes of Israel to David unto Hebron, and spake, saying, Behold, we are thy bone and thy flesh.
   ²Also in time past, when Saul was king over us, thou wast he that leddest out and broughtest in Israel: and the LORD said to thee, Thou shalt feed my people Israel, and thou shalt be a captain over Israel.
   ³So all the elders of Israel came to the king to Hebron; and king David made a league with them in Hebron before the LORD: and they anointed David king over Israel.
   ⁴David was thirty years old when he began to reign, and he reigned forty years.
   ⁵In Hebron he reigned over Judah seven years and six months: and in Jerusalem he reigned thirty and three years over all Israel and Judah.
   ⁶And the king and his men went to Jerusalem unto the Jebusites, the inhabitants of the land: which spake unto David, saying, Except thou take away the blind and the lame, thou shalt not come in hither: thinking, David cannot come in hither.

Hmm the NLT has this....

    ⁶ David then led his men to Jerusalem to fight against the Jebusites, the original inhabitants of the land who were living there. The Jebusites taunted David, saying, “You’ll never get in here! Even the blind and lame could keep you out!” For the Jebusites thought they were safe.

   ⁷Nevertheless David took the strong hold of Zion: the same is the city of David.
   ⁸And David said on that day, Whosoever getteth up to the gutter, and smiteth the Jebusites, and the lame and the blind that are hated of David's soul, he shall be chief and captain. Wherefore they said, The blind and the lame shall not come into the house. 

  ⁸ On the day of the attack, David said to his troops, “I hate those ‘lame’ and ‘blind’ Jebusites. Whoever attacks them should strike by going into the city through the water tunnel.^[c]” That is the origin of the saying, “The blind and the lame may not enter the house.”

Now, correct me if I am wrong. There is a certain unsubtle differences in these two translations.

I read the KJV as saying David hates the crippled and the blind and the NLT, as  Davids men insulting the Jebusites by refering to them as lame and blind.

So what I want to know are we seeing medieval prejudice or pollitically correct influences on the "unchanged word of de lard" All I know is, someone, somewhere is full of shit.  

   ⁹So David dwelt in the fort, and called it the city of David. And David built round about from Millo and inward.
   ¹⁰And David went on, and grew great, and the LORD God of hosts was with him.
   ¹¹And Hiram king of Tyre sent messengers to David, and cedar trees, and carpenters, and masons: and they built David an house. 

Fuck me! Is this it, can this be the first person mentioned in the bible that we have supportive evidence for? See here
and here 

And why would Hiram of Tyre send David these "gifts"?, surely there must be a reason other than David had a cute arse.
 
   ¹²And David perceived that the LORD had established him king over Israel, and that he had exalted his kingdom for his people Israel's sake.

Are we?, and have we been talking about de lard or possibly Hiram that has been supporting David? 
 
   ¹³And David took him more concubines and wives out of Jerusalem, after he was come from Hebron: and there were yet sons and daughters born to David.

 Now being paid off with women? I'll bet there was more to it than just women.


   ¹⁴And these be the names of those that were born unto him in Jerusalem; Shammuah, and Shobab, and Nathan, and Solomon,
   ¹⁵Ibhar also, and Elishua, and Nepheg, and Japhia,
   ¹⁶And Elishama, and Eliada, and Eliphalet.
   ¹⁷But when the Philistines heard that they had anointed David king over Israel, all the Philistines came up to seek David; and David heard of it, and went down to the hold.
   ¹⁸The Philistines also came and spread themselves in the valley of Rephaim.
   ¹⁹And David enquired of the LORD, saying, Shall I go up to the Philistines? wilt thou deliver them into mine hand? And the LORD said unto David, Go up: for I will doubtless deliver the Philistines into thine hand.

You would have thought that David would have an obligation, if not fealty, at least some graditude for them sheltering him when Saul had a bounty on his head.
I keep doing this..I must remember, these are not normal people, things such as loyalty trust and gratitude are a one way expectation. 

   ²⁰And David came to Baalperazim, and David smote them there, and said, The LORD hath broken forth upon mine enemies before me, as the breach of waters. Therefore he called the name of that place Baalperazim.
   ²¹And there they left their images, and David and his men burned them.
   ²²And the Philistines came up yet again, and spread themselves in the valley of Rephaim.
   ²³And when David enquired of the LORD, he said, Thou shalt not go up; but fetch a compass behind them, and come upon them over against the mulberry trees.
   ²⁴And let it be, when thou hearest the sound of a going in the tops of the mulberry trees, that then thou shalt bestir thyself: for then shallthe L ORD go out before thee, to smite the host of the Philistines.

This again makes me think the Lord in question is Hiram, not de lard.

   ²⁵And David did so, as the LORD had commanded him; and smote the Philistines from Geba until thou come to Gazer.

2 Samuel 4

   ¹And when Saul's son heard that Abner was dead in Hebron, his hands were feeble, and all the Israelites were troubled.
   ²And Saul's son had two men that were captains of bands: the name of the one was Baanah, and the name of the other Rechab, the sons of Rimmon a Beerothite, of the children of Benjamin: (for Beeroth also was reckoned to Benjamin.
   ³And the Beerothites fled to Gittaim, and were sojourners there until this day.)
   ⁴And Jonathan, Saul's son, had a son that was lame of his feet. He was five years old when the tidings came of Saul and Jonathan out of Jezreel, and his nurse took him up, and fled: and it came to pass, as she made haste to flee, that he fell, and became lame. And his name was Mephibosheth.

 How does the lame become lame? I suppose he could break his crutch but that sounds too painful for words.

   ⁵And the sons of Rimmon the Beerothite, Rechab and Baanah, went, and came about the heat of the day to the house of Ishbosheth, who lay on a bed at noon.
   ⁶And they came thither into the midst of the house, as though they would have fetched wheat; and they smote him under the fifth rib: and Rechab and Baanah his brother escaped.
   ⁷For when they came into the house, he lay on his bed in his bedchamber, and they smote him, and slew him, and beheaded him, and took his head, and gat them away through the plain all night.

Nothing like a quick getaway then, and that was absolutely nothing like a quick getaway.  Either that, or the slowest known decapitation in history.
 
   ⁸And they brought the head of Ishbosheth unto David to Hebron, and said to the king, Behold the head of Ishbosheth the son of Saul thine enemy, which sought thy life; and the LORD hath avenged my lord the king this day of Saul, and of his seed.
   ⁹And David answered Rechab and Baanah his brother, the sons of Rimmon the Beerothite, and said unto them, As the LORD liveth, who hath redeemed my soul out of all adversity,
   ¹⁰When one told me, saying, Behold, Saul is dead, thinking to have brought good tidings, I took hold of him, and slew him in Ziklag, who thought that I would have given him a reward for his tidings:
   ¹¹How much more, when wicked men have slain a righteous person in his own house upon his bed? shall I not therefore now require his blood of your hand, and take you away from the earth?

Perhaps when David sent word to Ishbosheth that he wanted his wife, Michal returned to him Rechab and Baanah thought David was asking for a little head.
   ¹²And David commanded his young men, and they slew them, and cut off their hands and their feet, and hanged them up over the pool in Hebron. But they took the head of Ishbosheth, and buried it in the sepulchre of Abner in Hebron.

2 Samuel 3

   ¹Now there was long war between the house of Saul and the house of David: but David waxed stronger and stronger, and the house of Saul waxed weaker and weaker.

I don't think we a talking a brazilian here! But seriously long war? We have just been told that Ishbosheth reigned for only two years. As wars go it, must surely be classed as a fairly short one.
   ²And unto David were sons born in Hebron: and his firstborn was Amnon, of Ahinoam the Jezreelitess;

He couldn't have been that busy warring. Mind you with the reputation of his predessesors as lovers taken into consideration perhaps he didn't lose much time from the fighting.
 
   ³And his second, Chileab, of Abigail the wife of Nabal the Carmelite; and the third, Absalom the son of Maacah the daughter of Talmai king of Geshur;
   ⁴And the fourth, Adonijah the son of Haggith; and the fifth, Shephatiah the son of Abital;
   ⁵And the sixth, Ithream, by Eglah David's wife. These were born to David in Hebron.

Six wives to take Johnathons place, I wonder whether any resembled him? 

   ⁶And it came to pass, while there was war between the house of Saul and the house of David, that Abner made himself strong for the house of Saul.
   ⁷And Saul had a concubine, whose name was Rizpah, the daughter of Aiah: and Ishbosheth said to Abner, Wherefore hast thou gone in unto my father's concubine?

The only reason I can think of as to why he should be bothered is he wanted too, unlucky should have been quicker, or maybe nicer and probably better looking.

   ⁸Then was Abner very wroth for the words of Ishbosheth, and said, Am I a dog's head, which against Judah do shew kindness this day unto the house of Saul thy father, to his brethren, and to his friends, and have not delivered thee into the hand of David, that thou chargest me to day with a fault concerning this woman?

I think Issy shouldn't have asked, jealously aside, why do people make judgements of other peoples sex life?

   ⁹So do God to Abner, and more also, except, as the LORD hath sworn to David, even so I do to him;
 The NLT puts that line this way

⁹ May God strike me and even kill me if I don’t do everything I can to help David get what the LORD has promised him!

   ¹⁰To translate the kingdom from the house of Saul, and to set up the throne of David over Israel and over Judah, from Dan even to Beersheba.
   ¹¹And he could not answer Abner a word again, because he feared him.

Now I wouldn't have thought that you would ask someone you feared questions like Who the fuck do you think you are? Fuckin Dad's bird before he's cold. Then again, if you are offendd by such a question, surely a smack in the mouth would be the normal response.
I see that is the answer to my question " Normal" These are not only Israelites sorting out petty sqabbles  but royalty and upper class. To satisfy thier ego's they will make thousands of innocent and not so well off people, kill each other.

   ¹²And Abner sent messengers to David on his behalf, saying, Whose is the land? saying also, Make thy league with me, and, behold, my hand shall be with thee, to bring about all Israel unto thee.
   ¹³And he said, Well; I will make a league with thee: but one thing I require of thee, that is, Thou shalt not see my face, except thou first bring Michal Saul's daughter, when thou comest to see my face.
   ¹⁴And David sent messengers to Ishbosheth Saul's son, saying, Deliver me my wife Michal, which I espoused to me for an hundred foreskins of the Philistines.

I'll bet she looked like her brother, infact I reckon on a moonlit night bent over a sleeping camel you wouldn't be able to tell them apart.  Well, once she got worn in as well as Johnathen had been.

   ¹⁵And Ishbosheth sent, and took her from her husband, even from Phaltiel the son of Laish.
   ¹⁶And her husband went with her along weeping behind her to Bahurim. Then said Abner unto him, Go, return. And he returned.

He wept!!?
Must have been because the price paid was not enought to get him a younger better looking model. 
 
   ¹⁷And Abner had communication with the elders of Israel, saying, Ye sought for David in times past to be king over you:
   ¹⁸Now then do it: for the LORD hath spoken of David, saying, By the hand of my servant David I will save my people Israel out of the hand of the Philistines, and out of the hand of all their enemies.
   ¹⁹And Abner also spake in the ears of Benjamin: and Abner went also to speak in the ears of David in Hebron all that seemed good to Israel, and that seemed good to the whole house of Benjamin.
   ²⁰So Abner came to David to Hebron, and twenty men with him. And David made Abner and the men that were with him a feast.
   ²¹And Abner said unto David, I will arise and go, and will gather all Israel unto my lord the king, that they may make a league with thee, and that thou mayest reign over all that thine heart desireth. And David sent Abner away; and he went in peace.
   ²²And, behold, the servants of David and Joab came from pursuing a troop, and brought in a great spoil with them: but Abner was not with David in Hebron; for he had sent him away, and he was gone in peace.
   ²³When Joab and all the host that was with him were come, they told Joab, saying, Abner the son of Ner came to the king, and he hath sent him away, and he is gone in peace.
   ²⁴Then Joab came to the king, and said, What hast thou done? behold, Abner came unto thee; why is it that thou hast sent him away, and he is quite gone?
   ²⁵Thou knowest Abner the son of Ner, that he came to deceive thee, and to know thy going out and thy coming in, and to know all that thou doest.
   ²⁶And when Joab was come out from David, he sent messengers after Abner, which brought him again from the well of Sirah: but David knew it not.
   ²⁷And when Abner was returned to Hebron, Joab took him aside in the gate to speak with him quietly, and smote him there under the fifth rib, that he died, for the blood of Asahel his brother.
   ²⁸And afterward when David heard it, he said, I and my kingdom are guiltless before the LORD for ever from the blood of Abner the son of Ner:
   ²⁹Let it rest on the head of Joab, and on all his father's house; and let there not fail from the house of Joab one that hath an issue, or that is a leper, or that leaneth on a staff, or that falleth on the sword, or that lacketh bread.

So although Joab got wrongful but understanderble revenge on his brother's killer, he and his fathers family a cursed forever. Now while I understand that from David's point of veiw it could jepordise some if not all of the alliences he and Joab had discussed surely then jumping back a generation is overkill. Sorry I forgot who I was talking about. On second thoughts admire David for showing more restraint than his ancestors.
 
   ³⁰So Joab, and Abishai his brother slew Abner, because he had slain their brother Asahel at Gibeon in the battle.

pic from Motorcycle funerals ltd.

   ³¹And David said to Joab, and to all the people that were with him, Rend your clothes, and gird you with sackcloth, and mourn before Abner. And king David himself followed the bier.

Bier means a kind of hand cart, but now equates to what we would now call a hearse

   ³²And they buried Abner in Hebron: and the king lifted up his voice, and wept at the grave of Abner; and all the people wept.
   ³³And the king lamented over Abner, and said, Died Abner as a fool dieth?
   ³⁴Thy hands were not bound, nor thy feet put into fetters: as a man falleth before wicked men, so fellest thou. And all the people wept again over him.
   ³⁵And when all the people came to cause David to eat meat while it was yet day, David sware, saying, So do God to me, and more also, if I taste bread, or ought else, till the sun be down.
   ³⁶And all the people took notice of it, and it pleased them: as whatsoever the king did pleased all the people.
   ³⁷For all the people and all Israel understood that day that it was not of the king to slay Abner the son of Ner.
   ³⁸And the king said unto his servants, Know ye not that there is a prince and a great man fallen this day in Israel?
   ³⁹And I am this day weak, though anointed king; and these men the sons of Zeruiah be too hard for me: the LORD shall reward the doer of evil according to his wickedness.

1 Samuel Recap

 I actually enjoyed reading this book, although you wouldn't think so seeings how long it took.

So we start this book with the familiar tale of a barren woman,married to an old man. We know she is the infertile one in the relationship as there is another wife with children. There is no mention whether these children look more like “uncle Abu Ben Fucker” or their “father”

After “visiting” the local priest and his sons, the barren wife is found unconscious as if drunken and then the following day miraculously conceives as she does after every following annual visit.

The legitimate sons of Eli the priest are greedy and known for taking whatever they fancy.

Eli takes her first-born under his wing and teaches him the priestly duties as he did with his own sons.

As the years go by young Sam hears de lard whispering sweet nothings as he spends nights staying with his grandad mentor.

We then get into a war with the Philistines with a smattering of prophesy and fables thrown in to blame the pasting the Israelites get on Eli and his sons that are all dead after the battle. Eli died after falling off his chair.

During this battle the Philistines capture the fabled ark the Israelites are apparently more upset about losing their magic box than they are about losing their friends and relatives.

The Philistines are struck with piles, supposedly as a punishment from de lard. Strange how after proving himself by being a pain in their collective arses they do not bow down and worship him. The result of this, is for the Philistines utilising the foremost science and medicine of the time. Throw the ark, accompanied by some mice and haemorrhoids made of gold into a cart drawn by some ex heifer's, then release them. I wonder whether that's where the phrase “Having piles of gold come from.”

The cows take the Ark to the Levites who upon receipt of de lards box are rewarded by de lards gratitude with 50,000 dead.(20,000)more than those that died when they lost the Ark). We must however remember maths are not the scribes strong point.

Twenty years down the line Sam still has his invisible friend and decides the Israelites must stop worshipping Baalim(gods) and Ashteroth(Mrs de lard) To do this he calls all the Israelites together. The Philistines would have seized this opportunity to finish them off but Sam called up the power of de lard by butchering a lamb so de lard would scare them with a thunderstorm.

Sam is promoted to seer and sees himself as king, something the people do not want, strangely enough, de lard agrees with them.

Enter Saul from stage left. Saul is taken under Sam’s wing and chosen to be king. The relationship between Sam and Saul seems to be more than just friends. Even so Saul manages to father Johnathan.

Saul settles into his kingly role and starts to antagonize the Philistines the narrative seems to lose the plot and any grasp of mathematics when reporting skirmishes.

We then get into a couple of incidents that involve de omniscient one admitting to lack of fore sight and mistakes so repenting and changing his mind. Sam dies and Saul, either through grief or just being inept, becomes the crappiest crappy king in crapland.

We then have the David and Goliath tale quickly followed by Jonny and David getting friendly, very friendly. A relationship that Saul disapproves of so much he “gives” him his daughter as a wife. Yet demanding 100 Philistine foreskins as a payment. David killed 200 men to get these???

Saul was not happy with David’s success and wanted to kill him, Johnny made him promise that he would not. A promise as good as de lards, as he tried but David escaped.

He assembles a small band of men and roams Saul follows in two or one encounters David could have killed Saul and didn't. They then have two or one pow wows which ends with Saul admitting he was wrong and allowing David and his merry men to go on their way. They go to the land of the Philistines and get less shit of their”enemies” than they got from their kinsmen. In return he and his men became mercenaries for the philistines but without the philistines softer side.

Saul battles with the Philistines and johnny is killed.

Saul shows his cowardice bravery and lack of dignity by topping himself

To,sum it all up Power, Gay sex Power more gay sex with a shit load of death thrown in.

1 Samuel 28

   ¹And it came to pass in those days, that the Philistines gathered their armies together for warfare, to fight with Israel. And Achish said unto David, Know thou assuredly, that thou shalt go out with me to battle, thou and thy men.
   ²And David said to Achish, Surely thou shalt know what thy servant can do. And Achish said to David, Therefore will I make thee keeper of mine head for ever.

It's really not me,for it is written.
 
   ³Now Samuel was dead, and all Israel had lamented him, and buried him in Ramah, even in his own city. And Saul had put away those that had familiar spirits, and the wizards, out of the land.
   ⁴And the Philistines gathered themselves together, and came and pitched in Shunem: and Saul gathered all Israel together, and they pitched in Gilboa.
   ⁵And when Saul saw the host of the Philistines, he was afraid, and his heart greatly trembled.

Showing a lot of faith in de lard ther Saul.
 
   ⁶And when Saul enquired of the LORD, the LORD answered him not, neither by dreams, nor by Urim, nor by prophets.

 Shame no mobile phones, perhaps de lard was asleep or busy


   ⁷Then said Saul unto his servants, Seek me a woman that hath a familiar spirit, that I may go to her, and enquire of her. And his servants said to him, Behold, there is a woman that hath a familiar spirit at Endor.

So Saul kicks out all the women with "familiar spirits" and then promptly finds one, sounds like his decrees are as effective as his invisible freind's
 

   ⁸And Saul disguised himself, and put on other raiment, and he went, and two men with him, and they came to the woman by night: and he said, I pray thee, divine unto me by the familiar spirit, and bring me him up, whom I shall name unto thee.
   ⁹And the woman said unto him, Behold, thou knowest what Saul hath done, how he hath cut off those that have familiar spirits, and the wizards, out of the land: wherefore then layest thou a snare for my life, to cause me to die?

   ¹⁰And Saul sware to her by the LORD, saying, As the LORD liveth, there shall no punishment happen to thee for this thing.

Some questions here.
1. She did not know Saul was Saul, so why should she believe him? In fact why should she trust him even if she did see through his "disguise"?
2.Assuming from christian teaching she would come under the blanket of people wrongly called witch. Is there not a couple of rules regarding people of her profession within the laws of Moses.
Exodus 22:18, Although witch in this instance meant poisoner.
Duet 18:10
and also in 1 Samuel 15:23. 
 
   ¹¹Then said the woman, Whom shall I bring up unto thee? And he said, Bring me up Samuel.
   ¹²And when the woman saw Samuel, she cried with a loud voice: and the woman spake to Saul, saying, Why hast thou deceived me? for thou art Saul.
   ¹³And the king said unto her, Be not afraid: for what sawest thou? And the woman said unto Saul, I saw gods ascending out of the earth.

"Gods" again the bible states there are multiple gods

   ¹⁴And he said unto her, What form is he of? And she said, An old man cometh up; and he is covered with a mantle. And Saul perceived that it was Samuel, and he stooped with his face to the ground, and bowed himself

The tenets of cold reading, posibly the greatest skill of a good "Medium". or any other form of con artist.

   ¹⁵And Samuel said to Saul, Why hast thou disquieted me, to bring me up? And Saul answered, I am sore distressed; for the Philistines make war against me, and God is departed from me, and answereth me no more, neither by prophets, nor by dreams: therefore I have called thee, that thou mayest make known unto me what I shall do.
   ¹⁶Then said Samuel, Wherefore then dost thou ask of me, seeing the LORD is departed from thee, and is become thine enemy?
   ¹⁷And the LORD hath done to him, as he spake by me: for the LORD hath rent the kingdom out of thine hand, and given it to thy neighbour, even to David:
   ¹⁸Because thou obeyedst not the voice of the LORD, nor executedst his fierce wrath upon Amalek, therefore hath the LORD done this thing unto thee this day.
   ¹⁹Moreover the LORD will also deliver Israel with thee into the hand of the Philistines: and to morrow shalt thou and thy sons be with me: the LORD also shall deliver the host of Israel into the hand of the Philistines.
   ²⁰Then Saul fell straightway all along on the earth, and was sore afraid, because of the words of Samuel: and there was no strength in him; for he had eaten no bread all the day, nor all the night.
   ²¹And the woman came unto Saul, and saw that he was sore troubled, and said unto him, Behold, thine handmaid hath obeyed thy voice, and I have put my life in my hand, and have hearkened unto thy words which thou spakest unto me.

For some reason Phil Collins has just jumped into my head.

It really is no wonder Saul is losing his country, as crap kings go he must rate as one of the crappiest.
 
   ²²Now therefore, I pray thee, hearken thou also unto the voice of thine handmaid, and let me set a morsel of bread before thee; and eat, that thou mayest have strength, when thou goest on thy way.
   ²³But he refused, and said, I will not eat. But his servants, together with the woman, compelled him; and he hearkened unto their voice. So he arose from the earth, and sat upon the bed.
   ²⁴And the woman had a fat calf in the house; and she hasted, and killed it, and took flour, and kneaded it, and did bake unleavened bread thereof:
   ²⁵And she brought it before Saul, and before his servants; and they did eat. Then they rose up, and went away that night.

1 Samuel 27

   ¹And David said in his heart, I shall now perish one day by the hand of Saul: there is nothing better for me than that I should speedily escape into the land of the Philistines; and Saul shall despair of me, to seek me any more in any coast of Israel: so shall I escape out of his hand.

So David has finally realised that Saul cannot be trusted, but is going to hide with the Philistines?
The people he has had a number of successful battles with and been a pain the their collective arses.
 
   ²And David arose, and he passed over with the six hundred men that were with him unto Achish, the son of Maoch, king of Gath.

Achis? Achis who?

   ³And David dwelt with Achish at Gath, he and his men, every man with his household, even David with his two wives, Ahinoam the Jezreelitess, and Abigail the Carmelitess, Nabal's wife.
   ⁴And it was told Saul that David was fled to Gath: and he sought no more again for him.
   ⁵And David said unto Achish, If I have now found grace in thine eyes, let them give me a place in some town in the country, that I may dwell there: for why should thy servant dwell in the royal city with thee?

Give him?
The Philistines are cast as the bad guy's again and again throughout the David saga and also in later books. They are at least part of the ancestry of present day Palestine  Their name has come to mean uncultured and even anti culture and yet archeology has drawn different conclusions.
 
   ⁶Then Achish gave him Ziklag that day: wherefore Ziklag pertaineth unto the kings of Judah unto this day.
   ⁷And the time that David dwelt in the country of the Philistines was a full year and four months.
   ⁸And David and his men went up, and invaded the Geshurites, and the Gezrites, and the Amalekites: for those nations were of old the inhabitants of the land, as thou goest to Shur, even unto the land of Egypt.
   ⁹And David smote the land, and left neither man nor woman alive, and took away the sheep, and the oxen, and the asses, and the camels, and the apparel, and returned, and came to Achish.

Yet another "hero" committing theft and genocide. What the fuck is wrong with these people?
   ¹⁰And Achish said, Whither have ye made a road to day? And David said, Against the south of Judah, and against the south of the Jerahmeelites, and against the south of the Kenites.
   ¹¹And David saved neither man nor woman alive, to bring tidings to Gath, saying, Lest they should tell on us, saying, So did David, and so will be his manner all the while he dwelleth in the country of the Philistines.

   ¹²And Achish believed David, saying, He hath made his people Israel utterly to abhor him; therefore he shall be my servant for ever.

1 Samuel 26

  ¹And the Ziphites came unto Saul to Gibeah, saying, Doth not David hide himself in the hill of Hachilah, which is before Jeshimon?    ²Then Saul arose, and went down to the wilderness of Ziph, having three thousand chosen men of Israel with him, to seek David in the wilderness of Ziph.
   ³And Saul pitched in the hill of Hachilah, which is before Jeshimon, by the way. But David abode in the wilderness, and he saw that Saul came after him into the wilderness.

Hang on, hang on, stop right there.

The last time we saw Saul and David meet, they came to a truce, an uneasy truce I grant you,but Saul had agreed to let David be. 

   ⁴David therefore sent out spies, and understood that Saul was come in very deed.
   ⁵And David arose, and came to the place where Saul had pitched: and David beheld the place where Saul lay, and Abner the son of Ner, the captain of his host: and Saul lay in the trench, and the people pitched round about him.

Aaarrggghh! There it goes again more smut and innuendo.
 
   ⁶Then answered David and said to Ahimelech the Hittite, and to Abishai the son of Zeruiah, brother to Joab, saying, Who will go down with me to Saul to the camp? And Abishai said, I will go down with thee.
   ⁷So David and Abishai came to the people by night: and, behold, Saul lay sleeping within the trench, and his spear stuck in the ground at his bolster: but Abner and the people lay round about him.
   ⁸Then said Abishai to David, God hath delivered thine enemy into thine hand this day: now therefore let me smite him, I pray thee, with the spear even to the earth at once, and I will not smite him the second time.


What? David could have killed him in chapter 24, while Saul was taking a shit.
 
   ⁹And David said to Abishai, Destroy him not: for who can stretch forth his hand against the LORD's anointed, and be guiltless?
   ¹⁰David said furthermore, As the LORD liveth, the LORD shall smite him; or his day shall come to die; or he shall descend into battle, and perish.
   ¹¹The LORD forbid that I should stretch forth mine hand against the LORD's anointed: but, I pray thee, take thou now the spear that is at his bolster, and the cruse of water, and let us go.

How things have changed. In my circle of freinds nothing is sacred, you count yourself lucky if all you do is find a rude word in indellible ink scrawled across your forehead losing a spear and a drink is nothing.


   ¹²So David took the spear and the cruse of water from Saul's bolster; and they gat them away, and no man saw it, nor knew it, neither awaked: for they were all asleep; because a deep sleep from the LORD was fallen upon them.

I have to ask has Saul got really crap guards or is David actually a ninja?
 
   ¹³Then David went over to the other side, and stood on the top of an hill afar off; a great space being between them:
   ¹⁴And David cried to the people, and to Abner the son of Ner, saying, Answerest thou not, Abner? Then Abner answered and said, Who art thou that criest to the king?
   ¹⁵And David said to Abner, Art not thou a valiant man? and who is like to thee in Israel? wherefore then hast thou not kept thy lord the king? for there came one of the people in to destroy the king thy lord.
   ¹⁶This thing is not good that thou hast done. As the LORD liveth, ye are worthy to die, because ye have not kept your master, the LORD's anointed. And now see where the king's spear is, and the cruse of water that was at his bolster.
   ¹⁷And Saul knew David's voice, and said, Is this thy voice, my son David? And David said, It is my voice, my lord, O king.
   ¹⁸And he said, Wherefore doth my lord thus pursue after his servant? for what have I done? or what evil is in mine hand?
   ¹⁹Now therefore, I pray thee, let my lord the king hear the words of his servant. If the LORD have stirred thee up against me, let him accept an offering: but if they be the children of men, cursed be they before the LORD; for they have driven me out this day from abiding in the inheritance of the LORD, saying, Go, serve other gods.
   ²⁰Now therefore, let not my blood fall to the earth before the face of the LORD: for the king of Israel is come out to seek a flea, as when one doth hunt a partridge in the mountains.
   ²¹Then said Saul, I have sinned: return, my son David: for I will no more do thee harm, because my soul was precious in thine eyes this day: behold, I have played the fool, and have erred exceedingly.
   ²²And David answered and said, Behold the king's spear! and let one of the young men come over and fetch it.
   ²³The LORD render to every man his righteousness and his faithfulness; for the LORD delivered thee into my hand to day, but I would not stretch forth mine hand against the LORD's anointed.
   ²⁴And, behold, as thy life was much set by this day in mine eyes, so let my life be much set by in the eyes of the LORD, and let him deliver me out of all tribulation.
   ²⁵Then Saul said to David, Blessed be thou, my son David: thou shalt both do great things, and also shalt still prevail. So David went on his way, and Saul returned to his place.

From chapter 24
  14After whom is the king of Israel come out? after whom dost thou pursue? after a dead dog, after a flea.    15The LORD therefore be judge, and judge between me and thee, and see, and plead my cause, and deliver me out of thine hand.    16And it came to pass, when David had made an end of speaking these words unto Saul, that Saul said, Is this thy voice, my son David? And Saul lifted up his voice, and wept.    17And he said to David, Thou art more righteous than I: for thou hast rewarded me good, whereas I have rewarded thee evil.    18And thou hast shewed this day how that thou hast dealt well with me: forasmuch as when the LORD had delivered me into thine hand, thou killedst me not.    19For if a man find his enemy, will he let him go well away? wherefore the LORD reward thee good for that thou hast done unto me this day.    20And now, behold, I know well that thou shalt surely be king, and that the kingdom of Israel shall be established in thine hand.    21Swear now therefore unto me by the LORD, that thou wilt not cut off my seed after me, and that thou wilt not destroy my name out of my father's house.    22And David sware unto Saul. And Saul went home; but David and his men gat them up unto the hold.

This has to be a rehashing of the same tale in chapter 24 Saul totally and without knowing is at Davids mercy. David spares him and after Saul admits he has been a naughty boy they then kiss and make up.

1 Samuel 25

   ¹And Samuel died; and all the Israelites were gathered together, and lamented him, and buried him in his house at Ramah. And David arose, and went down to the wilderness of Paran.
   ²And there was a man in Maon, whose possessions were in Carmel; and the man was very great, and he had three thousand sheep, and a thousand goats: and he was shearing his sheep in Carmel.
   ³Now the name of the man was Nabal; and the name of his wife Abigail: and she was a woman of good understanding, and of a beautiful countenance: but the man was churlish and evil in his doings; and he was of the house of Caleb.

Hmmm.

   ⁴And David heard in the wilderness that Nabal did shear his sheep.

Shear not share?

   ⁵And David sent out ten young men, and David said unto the young men, Get you up to Carmel, and go to Nabal, and greet him in my name:
   ⁶And thus shall ye say to him that liveth in prosperity, Peace be both to thee, and peace be to thine house, and peace be unto all that thou hast.

Call me cynical, but I think this greeting, combined with the proximity of a beautiful woman has sealed Nabals fate.
 
   ⁷And now I have heard that thou hast shearers: now thy shepherds which were with us, we hurt them not, neither was there ought missing unto them, all the while they were in Carmel.
   ⁸Ask thy young men, and they will shew thee. Wherefore let the young men find favour in thine eyes: for we come in a good day: give, I pray thee, whatsoever cometh to thine hand unto thy servants, and to thy son David.
   ⁹And when David's young men came, they spake to Nabal according to all those words in the name of David, and ceased.
   ¹⁰And Nabal answered David's servants, and said, Who is David? and who is the son of Jesse? there be many servants now a days that break away every man from his master.
   ¹¹Shall I then take my bread, and my water, and my flesh that I have killed for my shearers, and give it unto men, whom I know not whence they be? 

Didn't the laws of Moses say he should welcom strangers, travellers and fellow Israelites? He should be careful or he may bring the wrath of de lard on himself.
 
   ¹²So David's young men turned their way, and went again, and came and told him all those sayings.
   ¹³And David said unto his men, Gird ye on every man his sword. And they girded on every man his sword; and David also girded on his sword: and there went up after David about four hundred men; and two hundred abode by the stuff.

Buggar me the numbers of men are for once consistant.


   ¹⁴But one of the young men told Abigail, Nabal's wife, saying, Behold, David sent messengers out of the wilderness to salute our master; and he railed on them.
   ¹⁵But the men were very good unto us, and we were not hurt, neither missed we any thing, as long as we were conversant with them, when we were in the fields:
   ¹⁶They were a wall unto us both by night and day, all the while we were with them keeping the sheep.
   ¹⁷Now therefore know and consider what thou wilt do; for evil is determined against our master, and against all his household: for he is such a son of Belial, that a man cannot speak to him.

In modern parlance being a child of Belial would equate to "worthless, untrustworthy sonnofabitch"
 
   ¹⁸Then Abigail made haste, and took two hundred loaves, and two bottles of wine, and five sheep ready dressed, and five measures of parched corn, and an hundred clusters of raisins, and two hundred cakes of figs, and laid them on asses. 
   ¹⁹And she said unto her servants, Go on before me; behold, I come after you. But she told not her husband Nabal.

Without her husbands knowledge and permission, ooh dear if he finds out she could get stoned and not in a good way.
 
   ²⁰And it was so, as she rode on the ass, that she came down by the covert on the hill, and, behold, David and his men came down against her; and she met them.
   ²¹Now David had said, Surely in vain have I kept all that this fellow hath in the wilderness, so that nothing was missed of all that pertained unto him: and he hath requited me evil for good.
   ²²So and more also do God unto the enemies of David, if I leave of all that pertain to him by the morning light any that pisseth against the wall.

What? 
The NLT has this

²⁰ As she was riding her donkey into a mountain ravine, she saw David and his men coming toward her. ²¹ David had just been saying, “A lot of good it did to help this fellow. We protected his flocks in the wilderness, and nothing he owned was lost or stolen. But he has repaid me evil for good.  

²² May God strike me and kill me^[c] if even one man of his household is still alive tomorrow morning!”

That is clearer, but no mention of pissing up a wall.
 
²³And when Abigail saw David, she hasted, and lighted off the ass, and fell before David on her face, and bowed herself to the ground,
   ²⁴And fell at his feet, and said, Upon me, my lord, upon me let this iniquity be: and let thine handmaid, I pray thee, speak in thine audience, and hear the words of thine handmaid.
   ²⁵Let not my lord, I pray thee, regard this man of Belial, even Nabal: for as his name is, so is he; Nabal is his name, and folly is with him: but I thine handmaid saw not the young men of my lord, whom thou didst send.
   ²⁶Now therefore, my lord, as the LORD liveth, and as thy soul liveth, seeing the LORD hath withholden thee from coming to shed blood, and from avenging thyself with thine own hand, now let thine enemies, and they that seek evil to my lord, be as Nabal.
   ²⁷And now this blessing which thine handmaid hath brought unto my lord, let it even be given unto the young men that follow my lord.
   ²⁸I pray thee, forgive the trespass of thine handmaid: for the LORD will certainly make my lord a sure house; because my lord fighteth the battles of the LORD, and evil hath not been found in thee all thy days

So David's relationship with Johnathen was either not public knowledge or was not seen as a bad thing..



   ²⁹Yet a man is risen to pursue thee, and to seek thy soul: but the soul of my lord shall be bound in the bundle of life with the LORD thy God; and the souls of thine enemies, them shall he sling out, as out of the middle of a sling.

NLT has this

   ²⁹ “Even when you are chased by those who seek to kill you, your life is safe in the care of the Lord your God, secure in his treasure pouch.

Bundle of life or trasure pouch? Perhaps posing pouch would be a better translation?

   ³⁰And it shall come to pass, when the LORD shall have done to my lord according to all the good that he hath spoken concerning thee, and shall have appointed thee ruler over Israel;
   ³¹That this shall be no grief unto thee, nor offence of heart unto my lord, either that thou hast shed blood causeless, or that my lord hath avenged himself: but when the LORD shall have dealt well with my lord, then remember thine handmaid.
   ³²And David said to Abigail, Blessed be the LORD God of Israel, which sent thee this day to meet me:
   ³³And blessed be thy advice, and blessed be thou, which hast kept me this day from coming to shed blood, and from avenging myself with mine own hand.
   ³⁴For in very deed, as the LORD God of Israel liveth, which hath kept me back from hurting thee, except thou hadst hasted and come to meet me, surely there had not been left unto Nabal by the morning light any that pisseth against the wall.
   ³⁵So David received of her hand that which she had brought him, and said unto her, Go up in peace to thine house; see, I have hearkened to thy voice, and have accepted thy person.
   ³⁶And Abigail came to Nabal; and, behold, he held a feast in his house, like the feast of a king; and Nabal's heart was merry within him, for he was very drunken: wherefore she told him nothing, less or more, until the morning light.

   ³⁷But it came to pass in the morning, when the wine was gone out of Nabal, and his wife had told him these things, that his heart died within him, and he became as a stone.
   ³⁸And it came to pass about ten days after, that the LORD smote Nabal, that he died.

I said that would happen, fuck me I am a prophet!
 
   ³⁹And when David heard that Nabal was dead, he said, Blessed be the LORD, that hath pleaded the cause of my reproach from the hand of Nabal, and hath kept his servant from evil: for the LORD hath returned the wickedness of Nabal upon his own head. And David sent and communed with Abigail, to take her to him to wife.
   ⁴⁰And when the servants of David were come to Abigail to Carmel, they spake unto her, saying, David sent us unto thee, to take thee to him to wife.
   ⁴¹And she arose, and bowed herself on her face to the earth, and said, Behold, let thine handmaid be a servant to wash the feet of the servants of my lord.
   ⁴²And Abigail hasted, and arose and rode upon an ass, with five damsels of hers that went after her; and she went after the messengers of David, and became his wife.
   ⁴³David also took Ahinoam of Jezreel; and they were also both of them his wives.
   ⁴⁴But Saul had given Michal his daughter, David's wife, to Phalti the son of Laish, which was of Gallim.

1 Samuel 20

 ¹And David fled from Naioth in Ramah, and came and said before Jonathan, What have I done? what is mine iniquity? and what is my sin before thy father, that he seeketh my life?
 ²And he said unto him, God forbid; thou shalt not die: behold, my father will do nothing either great or small, but that he will shew it me: and why should my father hide this thing from me? it is not so.
 ³And David sware moreover, and said, Thy father certainly knoweth that I have found grace in thine eyes; and he saith, Let not Jonathan know this, lest he be grieved: but truly as the LORD liveth, and as thy soul liveth, there is but a step between me and death.

Let us look again at the reasons for Sauls hatred of David. I think it must be more than just jealousy. Let us cast our minds back to the relationship between Samuel and Saul, a relationship that obviously had a physical factor. Was it an abusive relationship ? Does Saul feel guilty and ashamed of the physical relationship that he had, and can see the love between Johnathan and David ? Is it that he wishes to protect Johnathan from the shame that he feels?

 ⁴Then said Jonathan unto David, Whatsoever thy soul desireth, I will even do it for thee.

 ⁵And David said unto Jonathan, Behold, to morrow is the new moon, and I should not fail to sit with the king at meat: but let me go, that I may hide myself in the field unto the third day at even.

Passing thought........Gone for three days then to return...........Reminds me of something!!
 
 ⁶If thy father at all miss me, then say, David earnestly asked leave of me that he might run to Bethlehem his city: for there is a yearly sacrifice there for all the family.

Bethlehem Hmmm!
 
 ⁷If he say thus, It is well; thy servant shall have peace: but if he be very wroth, then be sure that evil is determined by him.
 ⁸Therefore thou shalt deal kindly with thy servant; for thou hast brought thy servant into a covenant of the LORD with thee: notwithstanding, if there be in me iniquity, slay me thyself; for why shouldest thou bring me to thy father?
 ⁹And Jonathan said, Far be it from thee: for if I knew certainly that evil were determined by my father to come upon thee, then would not I tell it thee?
 ¹⁰Then said David to Jonathan, Who shall tell me? or what if thy father answer thee roughly?
 ¹¹And Jonathan said unto David, Come, and let us go out into the field. And they went out both of them into the field.
 ¹²And Jonathan said unto David, O LORD God of Israel, when I have sounded my father about to morrow any time, or the third day, and, behold, if there be good toward David, and I then send not unto thee, and shew it thee;
 ¹³The LORD do so and much more to Jonathan: but if it please my father to do thee evil, then I will shew it thee, and send thee away, that thou mayest go in peace: and the LORD be with thee, as he hath been with my father.
 ¹⁴And thou shalt not only while yet I live shew me the kindness of the LORD, that I die not:
 ¹⁵But also thou shalt not cut off thy kindness from my house for ever: no, not when the LORD hath cut off the enemies of David every one from the face of the earth.
 ¹⁶So Jonathan made a covenant with the house of David, saying, Let the LORD even require it at the hand of David's enemies.
 ¹⁷And Jonathan caused David to swear again, because he loved him: for he loved him as he loved his own soul.
 ¹⁸Then Jonathan said to David, To morrow is the new moon: and thou shalt be missed, because thy seat will be empty.
 ¹⁹And when thou hast stayed three days, then thou shalt go down quickly, and come to the place where thou didst hide thyself when the business was in hand, and shalt remain by the stone Ezel.
 ²⁰And I will shoot three arrows on the side thereof, as though I shot at a mark.
 ²¹And, behold, I will send a lad, saying, Go, find out the arrows. If I expressly say unto the lad, Behold, the arrows are on this side of thee, take them; then come thou: for there is peace to thee, and no hurt; as the LORD liveth.
 ²²But if I say thus unto the young man, Behold, the arrows are beyond thee; go thy way: for the LORD hath sent thee away.
 ²³And as touching the matter which thou and I have spoken of, behold, the LORD be between thee and me for ever.
 ²⁴So David hid himself in the field: and when the new moon was come, the king sat him down to eat meat.
 ²⁵And the king sat upon his seat, as at other times, even upon a seat by the wall: and Jonathan arose, and Abner sat by Saul's side, and David's place was empty.
 ²⁶Nevertheless Saul spake not any thing that day: for he thought, Something hath befallen him, he is not clean; surely he is not clean.
 ²⁷And it came to pass on the morrow, which was the second day of the month, that David's place was empty: and Saul said unto Jonathan his son, Wherefore cometh not the son of Jesse to meat, neither yesterday, nor to day?
 ²⁸And Jonathan answered Saul, David earnestly asked leave of me to go to Bethlehem:
 ²⁹And he said, Let me go, I pray thee; for our family hath a sacrifice in the city; and my brother, he hath commanded me to be there: and now, if I have found favour in thine eyes, let me get away, I pray thee, and see my brethren. Therefore he cometh not unto the king's table.
 ³⁰Then Saul's anger was kindled against Jonathan, and he said unto him, Thou son of the perverse rebellious woman, do not I know that thou hast chosen the son of Jesse to thine own confusion, and unto the confusion of thy mother's nakedness?

Just blame the mother it must be her fault. After all Hebrew women were renowned for their outspoken and forthright ways!!!?

Confused?, Never Confused.
 
 ³¹For as long as the son of Jesse liveth upon the ground, thou shalt not be established, nor thy kingdom. Wherefore now send and fetch him unto me, for he shall surely die.
 ³²And Jonathan answered Saul his father, and said unto him, Wherefore shall he be slain? what hath he done?
 ³³And Saul cast a javelin at him to smite him: whereby Jonathan knew that it was determined of his father to slay David.
 ³⁴So Jonathan arose from the table in fierce anger, and did eat no meat the second day of the month: for he was grieved for David, because his father had done him shame.
 ³⁵And it came to pass in the morning, that Jonathan went out into the field at the time appointed with David, and a little lad with him.
 ³⁶And he said unto his lad, Run, find out now the arrows which I shoot. And as the lad ran, he shot an arrow beyond him.
 ³⁷And when the lad was come to the place of the arrow which Jonathan had shot, Jonathan cried after the lad, and said, Is not the arrow beyond thee?
 ³⁸And Jonathan cried after the lad, Make speed, haste, stay not. And Jonathan's lad gathered up the arrows, and came to his master.
 ³⁹But the lad knew not any thing: only Jonathan and David knew the matter.
 ⁴⁰And Jonathan gave his artillery unto his lad, and said unto him, Go, carry them to the city.
 ⁴¹And as soon as the lad was gone, David arose out of a place toward the south, and fell on his face to the ground, and bowed himself three times: and they kissed one another, and wept one with another, until David exceeded. 

Ejaculated?
 
 ⁴²And Jonathan said to David, Go in peace, forasmuch as we have sworn both of us in the name of the LORD, saying, The LORD be between me and thee, and between my seed and thy seed for ever. And he arose and departed: and Jonathan went into the city.

Seems to blow this idea that de lard hates fags bullshit, right out of the water.

1 Samuel 14

¹Now it came to pass upon a day, that Jonathan the son of Saul said unto the young man that bare his armour, Come, and let us go over to the Philistines' garrison, that is on the other side. But he told not his father.

^{Why mention Young Jonny didn't tell his father? I am fairly sure they did not have mobile phones back then!}

²And Saul tarried in the uttermost part of Gibeah under a pomegranate tree which is in Migron: and the people that were with him were about six hundred men;

Six hundred men, all under one tree. I don't care how "cosy" you want to get that is one fucking big tree.

³And Ahiah, the son of Ahitub, Ichabod's brother, the son of Phinehas, the son of Eli, the LORD's priest in Shiloh, wearing an ephod. And the people knew not that Jonathan was gone.

⁴And between the passages, by which Jonathan sought to go over unto the Philistines' garrison, there was a sharp rock on the one side, and a sharp rock on the other side: and the name of the one was Bozez, and the name of the other Seneh.

⁵The forefront of the one was situate northward over against Michmash, and the other southward over against Gibeah.

⁶And Jonathan said to the young man that bare his armour, Come, and let us go over unto the garrison of these uncircumcised: it may be that the LORD will work for us: for there is no restraint to the LORD to save by many or by few.

Yes no gays in the bible, and yet everybody is obsessed with penis.

⁷And his armourbearer said unto him, Do all that is in thine heart: turn thee; behold, I am with thee according to thy heart.

⁸Then said Jonathan, Behold, we will pass over unto these men, and we will discover ourselves unto them.

⁹If they say thus unto us, Tarry until we come to you; then we will stand still in our place, and will not go up unto them.

¹⁰But if they say thus, Come up unto us; then we will go up: for the LORD hath delivered them into our hand: and this shall be a sign unto us.

Sounds like he is going cruising to me.

¹¹And both of them discovered themselves unto the garrison of the Philistines: and the Philistines said, Behold, the Hebrews come forth out of the holes where they had hid themselves.

¹²And the men of the garrison answered Jonathan and his armourbearer, and said, Come up to us, and we will shew you a thing. And Jonathan said unto his armourbearer, Come up after me: for the LORD hath delivered them into the hand of Israel.

¹³And Jonathan climbed up upon his hands and upon his feet, and his armourbearer after him: and they fell before Jonathan; and his armourbearer slew after him.

¹⁴And that first slaughter, which Jonathan and his armourbearer made, was about twenty men, within as it were an half acre of land, which a yoke of oxen might plow.

I am sure I can smell something

¹⁵And there was trembling in the host, in the field, and among all the people: the garrison, and the spoilers, they also trembled, and the earth quaked: so it was a very great trembling.

¹⁶And the watchmen of Saul in Gibeah of Benjamin looked; and, behold, the multitude melted away, and they went on beating down one another.

¹⁷Then said Saul unto the people that were with him, Number now, and see who is gone from us. And when they had numbered, behold, Jonathan and his armourbearer were not there.

Two people missing! Not six hundred, ah well easy mistake to make.

¹⁸And Saul said unto Ahiah, Bring hither the ark of God. For the ark of God was at that time with the children of Israel.

¹⁹And it came to pass, while Saul talked unto the priest, that the noise that was in the host of the Philistines went on and increased: and Saul said unto the priest, Withdraw thine hand.

Would that be the fist of god?

²⁰And Saul and all the people that were with him assembled themselves, and they came to the battle: and, behold, every man's sword was against his fellow, and there was a very great discomfiture.

²¹Moreover the Hebrews that were with the Philistines before that time, which went up with them into the camp from the country round about, even they also turned to be with the Israelites that were with Saul and Jonathan.

²²Likewise all the men of Israel which had hid themselves in mount Ephraim, when they heard that the Philistines fled, even they also followed hard after them in the battle.

This makes me wonder that the word "fled" should be "went away" My reasoning being that if six hundred is in reality two then the total number can be no more than three dozen or so. Knowing the abject cowardice with which the israelites are blessed with I can see the majority of these being the ones that "hid themselves in mount Ephraim".

²³So the LORD saved Israel that day: and the battle passed over unto Bethaven.

De lard instilled the idea to the Philistines that the Israelites were not worth a wank

²⁴And the men of Israel were distressed that day: for Saul had adjured the people, saying, Cursed be the man that eateth any food until evening, that I may be avenged on mine enemies. So none of the people tasted any food.

²⁵And all they of the land came to a wood; and there was honey upon the ground.

²⁶And when the people were come into the wood, behold, the honey dropped; but no man put his hand to his mouth: for the people feared the oath.

²⁷But Jonathan heard not when his father charged the people with the oath: wherefore he put forth the end of the rod that was in his hand, and dipped it in an honeycomb, and put his hand to his mouth; and his eyes were enlightened.

²⁸Then answered one of the people, and said, Thy father straitly charged the people with an oath, saying, Cursed be the man that eateth any food this day. And the people were faint.

²⁹Then said Jonathan, My father hath troubled the land: see, I pray you, how mine eyes have been enlightened, because I tasted a little of this honey.

³⁰How much more, if haply the people had eaten freely to day of the spoil of their enemies which they found? for had there not been now a much greater slaughter among the Philistines?

³¹And they smote the Philistines that day from Michmash to Aijalon: and the people were very faint.

Would a hungry army may be desperate to fight a bit harder than an army that only had the fact their lives depended on winning? I don't know! but if they are hungry enough to be feeling faint then I would have thought they would not be much good.

³²And the people flew upon the spoil, and took sheep, and oxen, and calves, and slew them on the ground: and the people did eat them with the blood.

³³Then they told Saul, saying, Behold, the people sin against the LORD, in that they eat with the blood. And he said, Ye have transgressed: roll a great stone unto me this day.

³⁴And Saul said, Disperse yourselves among the people, and say unto them, Bring me hither every man his ox, and every man his sheep, and slay them here, and eat; and sin not against the LORD in eating with the blood. And all the people brought every man his ox with him that night, and slew them there.

³⁵And Saul built an altar unto the LORD: the same was the first altar that he built unto the LORD.

³⁶And Saul said, Let us go down after the Philistines by night, and spoil them until the morning light, and let us not leave a man of them. And they said, Do whatsoever seemeth good unto thee. Then said the priest, Let us draw near hither unto God.

Gay rape and murder, or a saturday night in Iran as it's called today.

³⁷And Saul asked counsel of God, Shall I go down after the Philistines? wilt thou deliver them into the hand of Israel? But he answered him not that day.

³⁸And Saul said, Draw ye near hither, all the chief of the people: and know and see wherein this sin hath been this day.

³⁹For, as the LORD liveth, which saveth Israel, though it be in Jonathan my son, he shall surely die. But there was not a man among all the people that answered him.

Really! I am shocked, are they beginning to develop morals and loyalty?

⁴⁰Then said he unto all Israel, Be ye on one side, and I and Jonathan my son will be on the other side. And the people said unto Saul, Do what seemeth good unto thee.

⁴¹Therefore Saul said unto the LORD God of Israel, Give a perfect lot. And Saul and Jonathan were taken: but the people escaped.

⁴²And Saul said, Cast lots between me and Jonathan my son. And Jonathan was taken.

⁴³Then Saul said to Jonathan, Tell me what thou hast done. And Jonathan told him, and said, I did but taste a little honey with the end of the rod that was in mine hand, and, lo, I must die.

⁴⁴And Saul answered, God do so and more also: for thou shalt surely die, Jonathan.

⁴⁵And the people said unto Saul, Shall Jonathan die, who hath wrought this great salvation in Israel? God forbid: as the LORD liveth, there shall not one hair of his head fall to the ground; for he hath wrought with God this day. So the people rescued Jonathan, that he died not.

They went against the orders of de lard?

⁴⁶Then Saul went up from following the Philistines: and the Philistines went to their own place.

⁴⁷So Saul took the kingdom over Israel, and fought against all his enemies on every side, against Moab, and against the children of Ammon, and against Edom, and against the kings of Zobah, and against the Philistines: and whithersoever he turned himself, he vexed them.

⁴⁸And he gathered an host, and smote the Amalekites, and delivered Israel out of the hands of them that spoiled them.

⁴⁹Now the sons of Saul were Jonathan, and Ishui, and Melchishua: and the names of his two daughters were these; the name of the firstborn Merab, and the name of the younger Michal:

⁵⁰And the name of Saul's wife was Ahinoam, the daughter of Ahimaaz: and the name of the captain of his host was Abner, the son of Ner, Saul's uncle.

⁵¹And Kish was the father of Saul; and Ner the father of Abner was the son of Abiel.

⁵²And there was sore war against the Philistines all the days of Saul: and when Saul saw any strong man, or any man, he took him unto him.