1 Samuel Recap

 I actually enjoyed reading this book, although you wouldn't think so seeings how long it took.

So we start this book with the familiar tale of a barren woman,married to an old man. We know she is the infertile one in the relationship as there is another wife with children. There is no mention whether these children look more like “uncle Abu Ben Fucker” or their “father”

After “visiting” the local priest and his sons, the barren wife is found unconscious as if drunken and then the following day miraculously conceives as she does after every following annual visit.

The legitimate sons of Eli the priest are greedy and known for taking whatever they fancy.

Eli takes her first-born under his wing and teaches him the priestly duties as he did with his own sons.

As the years go by young Sam hears de lard whispering sweet nothings as he spends nights staying with his grandad mentor.

We then get into a war with the Philistines with a smattering of prophesy and fables thrown in to blame the pasting the Israelites get on Eli and his sons that are all dead after the battle. Eli died after falling off his chair.

During this battle the Philistines capture the fabled ark the Israelites are apparently more upset about losing their magic box than they are about losing their friends and relatives.

The Philistines are struck with piles, supposedly as a punishment from de lard. Strange how after proving himself by being a pain in their collective arses they do not bow down and worship him. The result of this, is for the Philistines utilising the foremost science and medicine of the time. Throw the ark, accompanied by some mice and haemorrhoids made of gold into a cart drawn by some ex heifer's, then release them. I wonder whether that's where the phrase “Having piles of gold come from.”

The cows take the Ark to the Levites who upon receipt of de lards box are rewarded by de lards gratitude with 50,000 dead.(20,000)more than those that died when they lost the Ark). We must however remember maths are not the scribes strong point.

Twenty years down the line Sam still has his invisible friend and decides the Israelites must stop worshipping Baalim(gods) and Ashteroth(Mrs de lard) To do this he calls all the Israelites together. The Philistines would have seized this opportunity to finish them off but Sam called up the power of de lard by butchering a lamb so de lard would scare them with a thunderstorm.

Sam is promoted to seer and sees himself as king, something the people do not want, strangely enough, de lard agrees with them.

Enter Saul from stage left. Saul is taken under Sam’s wing and chosen to be king. The relationship between Sam and Saul seems to be more than just friends. Even so Saul manages to father Johnathan.

Saul settles into his kingly role and starts to antagonize the Philistines the narrative seems to lose the plot and any grasp of mathematics when reporting skirmishes.

We then get into a couple of incidents that involve de omniscient one admitting to lack of fore sight and mistakes so repenting and changing his mind. Sam dies and Saul, either through grief or just being inept, becomes the crappiest crappy king in crapland.

We then have the David and Goliath tale quickly followed by Jonny and David getting friendly, very friendly. A relationship that Saul disapproves of so much he “gives” him his daughter as a wife. Yet demanding 100 Philistine foreskins as a payment. David killed 200 men to get these???

Saul was not happy with David’s success and wanted to kill him, Johnny made him promise that he would not. A promise as good as de lards, as he tried but David escaped.

He assembles a small band of men and roams Saul follows in two or one encounters David could have killed Saul and didn't. They then have two or one pow wows which ends with Saul admitting he was wrong and allowing David and his merry men to go on their way. They go to the land of the Philistines and get less shit of their”enemies” than they got from their kinsmen. In return he and his men became mercenaries for the philistines but without the philistines softer side.

Saul battles with the Philistines and johnny is killed.

Saul shows his cowardice bravery and lack of dignity by topping himself

To,sum it all up Power, Gay sex Power more gay sex with a shit load of death thrown in.

Ruth Recap

So there we have it
One of the short books in the bible. This, apart from the obvious question.Why is it even there? . It also makes me wonder why was it so short. I get the definite impression it has been clipped.
First of all Ruth is about a woman, No shit, I hear you cry. OK. Not only is about a woman, she is important enough to have her own book with her own name as the title. Apart from the apocryphal gospel of Mary Magdalene this does not happen anywhere else. It has been suggested, that once, Ruth was part of Judges, and has been separated. This might explain the shortness but does not explain the elevation of what should be a minor character.
So why was she so important?, whatever it was must have been edited out of the book. All the book tells us is
Girl gets married
Girl takes on raving religion of her married family.
Girl gets widowed.
Girl moves to her ex husbands home land
Girl meets rich guy
Girl throws herself at him like an Essex girl after five blue wkds.
Rich guy buys her off someone who apparently inherited her?????
Yes there is a mention of her part in the bloodline, that literally tagged on the end. But why is she first?, why is the book not primarily about her husband?
Answers to these questions and more are listed here.
Whether or not they are satisfactory remains to be seen, there is always a chance no matter how slim something will turn up somewhere to allow a further inkling into the history of it all.

Judges Recap

Well what can I say?
It has been many, many years since I read Judges. Again I find myself thinking If these are examples to be used as guides for behaviour,surely they are examples of how not to behave.Instead the "priesthood and their ilk advertise different messages.Am I wrong? You decide.
With the myth of Samson we are shown a fool that like so many,no doubt before and since has fallen for the wrong partner. A route that leads to insane actions of revenge and ultimately to his destruction.
Instead we are told of de lards miracle of Samson's strength and the emphasis is on following de lard's wishes to get de lard to love him enough to give him back his strength which still leads to his death but with de lards gift so it is OK.
Then we have a similar story to the tale of Lot's experience in the city of Sodom. As in that story we are told it is better to throw your women to to wolves than deal with the problem yourself. This is then used as an excuse for mass revenge which involves the death and slavery of thousands of people.
Again instead of the obvious moral that revenge achieves nothing the religious give the message "don't fuck with de lards chosen ones" (which of course means christans as well as Israelis.)
So what we are left with is a beautiful example of how scripture can and is twisted to mean exactly what the priesthood wants, there are truths in the bible just not the ones the higher echelons of churches want you to see.

Joshua Recap

I must confess to being a little confused by Joshua, although familiar with the myth,these massive conquests and genocides seem to have escaped history unnoticed, save by the perpetrators.
I find myself perturbed by the lack of detail. With such big events we should expect not only more from the winners but from outside sources. Sadly to mention again these events are unrecorded anywhere else.
This suggests either they are complete fabication or bible scholar's have their sums and dates wrong. It seems to me, admittedly with no evidence, that Joshua's conquest was part of the "Sea peoples" invasion that are recorded at least in part in some of the Armarna letters.

To be honest I see most of Joshua as pure bullshit.

Walls falling down with trumpets, the sun standing still and a bunch of nomads achieving world domination. This strikes me as having more to do with long nights and strong wine than any facts.

Deuteronomy Recap

Well ! That's the last so called book of Moses out of the way. Deuteronomy is often quoted to support bigotry but when you read it thoroughly it does have one or two gems that, to be honest am surprised made it through the original censors. Things like 32:8 which lets slip Adam may not be the father of ALL Mankind. Or 20:16 that states, "you must not allow a single living thing to survive". But what did surprise me was not only does this book reiterate that Moses is a control freak and a misogynist but underlines the facts not only is he a mass murdering slaver, he seems to encourage and channel, most, if not all of the elements of human behaviour that civilization tries to stem. Why people look up to this despicable character from over three thousand years ago is beyond me. If recognised by history at all he should be held aloft as an example of everything we should be striving against. The only people using him as an example should be those taking the idea of war crimes through to their extreme of total atrocities. I am glad to leave these books behind. I just hope that the day is near that the rest of mankind can do the same.
All in all aside from relying on the odd mis-translation the various branches of christianity rely heavily on the followers of whichever doctrine being ignorent of what is actually written. So regardless of their incessant ........"Read your bible", this is the last thing they want, aside from carefully picked excerpts. This "quote mining" is certainly endemic throughout all of the christian faiths with choice quotes used to get thier points across.
I encourage anyone believer or unbeliever read your bible or for that matter koran thouroughly but think about what is written. Remember that all though Man's questions (who we are, where did we come from etc.) Remain the same we now have a great more information about the world and universe around us. The answers change because we understand the questions in a more refined and deeper way. When we finally think we have all the answers as the religions will have us believe, the human race will, and can only stagnate.

Numbers Recap

Well what a palaver.

First as suggested by the title we have literally the numbers of men in the tribes. This is followed by the order of the tribal tents or the hierarchy of the owners of these tents. As said earlier the tribe of the Levites as priests were allocated the top of the food chain. Then the hierarchy of the Levites is described.
Then we move on to great offerings from the twelve tribes chiefs given by the princes of these tribes. This involves some precious things and of course, a lot of sacrifices to de lard.
This has apparently turned the meandering muppets into an army which allegedly are then led by de lard.

It is then dropped in that Moses had married an Ethiopian woman.[ Is this a possible inference that Moses is also a title and this is not the same Moses that led the people from Egypt,further hints that this is a new improved Moses, is that although still psychopathic, does seem to be more level headed]
This inadvertently leads to Aaron and Miriam,(a variant of Mary) coming forward with a few complaints about this other wife.Which for some reason leads to Miriam being apparently struck with leprosy by de lard. Moses then intervenes and she is apparently cured but ejected for a week.

De lard then tells Moses to send out spies to gather information of the surrounding nations. (why couldn't he just give him the info himself ? After all if anyone could know it should be de lard.) Obviously having been brought up with high moral values and strength of character being SO much closer to de lard than the rest of us mortals, lied through their back teeth.

A chap called Korah a grandson of Levi then leads a minor rebellion( some 250 men)Moses utilising all his man management promptly makes arrangements for them and their families(except Korah's for some reason) and anyone who may have the slightest possibility of agreeing with them gassed struck down by de ever lovin' lard with a localised plague.(14,700)
After making sure to dispose of the evidence, Moses then makes the Israelites take special precautions in the disposal of the bodies.

We then see either a repeat of the incident with the water from Edom or as I suspect a mistake made at some point between the possible events and the final edition of this book. Whether a mistake in the Oral tradition or two different scrolls being merged. Either way instead of the battle almost immediately in the first version, the Israelites now go forward on a mission to conquer......Oh wait that may be the same!!!Before they go to "war". Aaron and his son Eleazer are taken up to mount Hor, Eleazer puts on Aarons clothes and, presto ! Aaron is dead. This has a profound effect on de lard, as he stops announcing himself with the prefix..."I am de lard your gawd" every time he speaks to Moses.
In the name of the all merciful lard the Israelites capture some Amorite cities, killing all but virgin girls. Some of these survivors are offered as a "heave offering to de lard" ????.......Can you feel the love and mercy ?

We are introduced to a character Balak king of Moab, son of Zippor.[Any relation to Zipporah, daughter of Jethro,the midianite priest,Moses father in law ]who sends for Balaam to mediate between him and the invaders. Balaam, A man who beats his donkey and manages to fall off and hit his head in such a way that he gives himself Auditory Hallucinations. Believing god has reprimaded him (cos god loves animals) he then, with perfect Old Testament logic sacrifices 7 rams and 7 oxen to de lard. He reports to Balak with his hallucination.
Resistance is futile, the ravening hordes of Israel sweep across Canaan with a finesse not matched until Genghis Khan.




The last few chapters are mostly devoted to the splitting up of the lands,cities,gold, cattle and women.

Conclusion
Aside from yet again underlining de lards impotence, stupidity senility and blindness it just opens more questions.
Was there more than one Moses ?
Why, if the Israelites, who allegedly had seen all this evidence of gods so called power, were there so many dissidents.
Why if these incidents ,especially the conquest of Canaan are not recorded in any of the surrounding lands.
Or are the Israelites actually the "mysterious sea people" recorded in the some of the Amarna letters ?
Why is Moses thought of as good man when historically there are few that have been responsible(in their lifetime) for greater numbers of attrocities and murders of his fellow human beings ?

Exodus Recap

Well there we have it, the Israelites break from their cruel Egyptian masters by the clever leadership of the great Moses with the help of their all seeing god.A god that is so wise he leads them to a land that although green at times is fairly equatorial thus prone to drought and therefore famine. Ok it is a bit further but why didn't he lead them to somewhere with a bit more ambient climate. Instead of hanging around in the desert for fourty years they could have trekked vaguely northwards to almost anywhere vaguely European which although greatly increases your chances of meeting the french has got to be better than the continual strife....then again de lard said they were his chosen people ....just not what for.

Or not........We started with the "miraculous" saving of the baby Moses which so happens to be almost Identical to the divine saving of Sargon the great, the founder of the Akkadian city state empire of approximately 1,000 years earlier.
As a young man Moses allegedly raised as a prince commits manslaughter in dubious circumstances and goes on the lam.

If he was part of the royal household as the bible states I doubt he would have much to fear from prosecution unless the person he killed was of a higher social rank than himself. This begs the question, What was his social status ? (as he seems a bit backward and seems to be treated as a royal toy)

While on the lam he meets a young woman at the local watering hole. Her father, a Midianite priest seems happy to marry his daughter off to this fugitive.After which when Moses is alone god appears in the form of a burning bush. It is noteworthy that the text makes a point of Moses being alone. Upon receiving instructions from de lawd Moses goes back to Egypt.
Again begging the questions Would he not still have the same (if any ) repercussions from his crime ?
If he had no crime to answer for why did he run in the first place ?
but mostly, Why is the great all powerful creator of the universe choosing to work through a gullible half wit.

We then return to Egypt where Moses engages in a series of cheap parlour tricks with the court magician to try to extract the "poor slave israelite nation".

This fails so the god of love brings about a series of natural disasters causing suffering and death to millions of Egyptians but pharoah remains unconvinced to "letz de peeplz goez ! "
Eventually with the tenth and final "plague" Pharoah relents and these "poor slaves" gather all their belongings and herds ???? and set about leaving.
Pharoah, then inexplicably changes his mind (you would have thought the collapse of his civilization a bit more pressing) and decides to go after the "millions" of Israelites with 600 chariots.

De lawd again comes to the rescue not by relocating the Israelites or just causing the chariots to get lost/ lose wheels/not see the Isrealites butin another repeat of the Sargon legend and by showing his love and mercy, by drowning fucking the lot.

You would now imagine that Moses would be public enemy no.1, but he seems to slip out of the egyptian conciousness and then manages to get lost in the desert.

His father in-law finds him when no-one not even moses knows where he is,and after a point is made of Jethro leaving again, three days later, god amazingly appears "with fire smoke and thunder"
How long would it take a few obedient men to prepare a smoke screen?

Moses thens has a big pow- wow with the omnipotent one. Who for some reason seems to need to relieve the ex- slaves of all their gold and finery to make a box, some furniture and a fancy tent.

It seems patently obvious to me that Jethro, Moses father In-law was the guiding force behind Moses's actions. I also wonder whether Jethro and Aaron, Moses brother were one and the same ?
I also suspect this account was written long after the facts and the facts merged to become entertaining stories, then myth and later religion.

Exodus Recap

Just to break up the Lawgiving and because I thought it's about time here's another recap.
So far we have learned that god is not worth a wank.
We have learned that he is at best a loosely based amalgam of sadistic senile psychopaths at worst a totally fictional character utilised as an excuse for the "followers" of god to be sadistic senile psychopaths.
Oh! and forgetful don't forget forgetful.
We have seen how the "chosen" people had settled in egypt and been told(No matter of the overwhelming evidence to the contrary) how their lives over generations degraded into slavery, but the still have gold and silver so must have been the richest slaves in history.
We are then introduced to a character whose birth and early years mirrors a real historical figure from about 1,000 years earlier, Sargon of Accad.
We are told how after committing murder or at least manslaughter, Moses goes on the run, meets(in the family fashion at the local watering hole) his wife to be.
Her father , who also happens to be a midianite priest is nearby.An average man hardly mentioned, although he manages to change his name from Ruel to Jethro in record time allows the by now old man Moses to marry his daughter.
Then we are told that Moses is spoken to by a burning bush and taught how to do simple conjuring tricks to impress the pharoah.
Who incidently remains unimpressed.
At this time the priest, Jethro is conspicuous in his absence.
Real History then interjects with the successive plagues.
Moses then un-succesively claims his invisible friend is responsible with the message ............let my people go or else !
HE'S JUST A POOR BOY, FROM A POOR FAMILY SPARE HIM HIS LIFE FROM THIS MONSTROSITY easy come, easy go, will you let me go Bismillah! NO! WE WILL NOT LET YOU GO! LET HIM GO Bismillah! WE WILL NOT LET YOU GO! LET HIM GO! Bismillah! We WILL NOT LET YOU GO! LET HIM GO! Will not let you go Let me go Will not let you go Let me go
Apologies to Freddie and Queen
Huge Eruption
and no that wasn't Freddie
.....final plague
Moses jumping up and down like a epileptic Kangaroo going godidit,godidit,godidit,godidit
Pharoah finally relents and Moses takes his people to the seaside.
Pharoah then relents his relenting and gives chase after them, although outnumbered allegedly by........ just counting .............men........ only men........1,000 to one.
Just men, Not counting goats,cows,children,lice,fleas oh and of course women.
But they were saved by god as they would have been massacred with odds like that.
They know no Isrealites were killed during the plagues and the tidal wave because they had a head count afterwards and all the survivors were there.
The troupe then get lost in the desert and although we are told time and again that they have goats cows children etc. god is forced to save them from starvation by sending them all manner of manna.
Just after Moses "miraculously" finds some water, they also then find some people to fight with, not connected at all.
Somehow Jethro manages to find the lost legion,then to EVERY BODIES surprise three days later god shows himself accompanied by trumpets,fire and smoke.Today there would be lasers and inflatables too.
Perhaps Scoobie and Shaggy would get to the bottom of it but three thousand years later people believe god really appeared and god gave Moses ten commandments.
Yeah Right!
Jethro then says K Bye Thanx
Moses sprouts laws

Second Recap

So god decided to wipe the slate clean as he couldn't cope with men being men and killed almost everything in a worldwide flood.
When the waters had subsided plants had survived and there is no mention of a layer of salt covering everything.
Noah and his three sons repopulate the Earth. Build cities. In three generations are unable to speak the same language and are forced to traverse the globe.???
A thousand years or so after the flood god contacts an old man sends him,his nephew and their wives to a mountainous barren land. Finding nothing there they continue to egypt where for some reason a 60+ year old woman is incredibly sexually attractive The Old man is forced to lie about her, introducing her to all and sundry as his sister. Because as we all know ancient Egyptians would rape a wife and kill her husband but leave a brother and sister alone. Continuing with this untruth the old man is able to acquire gold, herds and servants by renting his wife to the Pharaoh.
God in the meantime causes problems for Pharaoh and Egypt as it's their fault Abram is Whoring his wife and is not where he should be.
Pharaoh discovers the deceit and sends them packing back to where they were told to go in the first place.
He pitches a tent which turns into a house. In a ten year period 318 battle hardened ninja's are born in this house, trained and raised to manhood.
Leading this hoard this 86 year old man is able to successfully lead a rescue mission freeing his nephew Lot some gold and incidently some other people as well.
Refusing reward from the King of Sodom he returns home to discover his house has reverted back to a tent.
Here his wife whores out her handmaid so Abram can "father a child"
When this child is thirteen god comes to visit and tells Abraham to follow an Egyptian custom and cut off the foreskin of all the males that he can get his grubby mitts on. This done him and his 90 year old spouse will be fertile. Promising that he will ensure that Abrahams "descendants" become a great nation.
Almost as an afterthought he adds he is off to judge the people of sodom because he feels he is overdue for some smiting.

Conclusion

Either god is ceiling cat playing with humanity in the way a cat plays with a mouse.
Or a number of oral histories have been confused.
Or its the tales of a senile old fool told to anyone will listen as he passed the time on his death bed.

Genesis 8

¹And God remembered Noah, and every living thing, and all the cattle that was with him in the ark: and God made a wind to pass over the earth, and the waters assuaged;
God forgot Noah ? You would think from his publicity that he was above things like absent mindedness. Mind you that must have been one hell of a fart.
²The fountains also of the deep and the windows of heaven were stopped, and the rain from heaven was restrained;
³And the waters returned from off the earth continually: and after the end of the hundred and fifty days the waters were abated.
⁴And the ark rested in the seventh month, on the seventeenth day of the month, upon the mountains of Ararat.
⁵And the waters decreased continually until the tenth month: in the tenth month, on the first day of the month, were the tops of the mountains seen.
⁶And it came to pass at the end of forty days, that Noah opened the window of the ark which he had made:
I wonder If the stench of the ark prepared them for the fug of our fathers fart. One does wonder that in a watertight environment with all those millions of occupants how .
1. They didn't suffocate.
2.They could see.
⁷And he sent forth a raven, which went forth to and fro, until the waters were dried up from off the earth.
⁸Also he sent forth a dove from him, to see if the waters were abated from off the face of the ground;
⁹But the dove found no rest for the sole of her foot, and she returned unto him into the ark, for the waters were on the face of the whole earth: then he put forth his hand, and took her, and pulled her in unto him into the ark.
Doves and pigeons are known for their "homing " abilities whereas Ravens are not that is assuming it survived IF it was a worldwide flood.
¹⁰And he stayed yet other seven days; and again he sent forth the dove out of the ark;
¹¹And the dove came in to him in the evening; and, lo, in her mouth was an olive leaf pluckt off: so Noah knew that the waters were abated from off the earth.
Must have been either a fast growing or highly resilient olive tree .
¹²And he stayed yet other seven days; and sent forth the dove; which returned not again unto him any more.
¹³And it came to pass in the six hundredth and first year, in the first month, the first day of the month, the waters were dried up from off the earth: and Noah removed the covering of the ark, and looked, and, behold, the face of the ground was dry.
¹⁴And in the second month, on the seven and twentieth day of the month, was the earth dried.
¹⁵And God spake unto Noah, saying,
¹⁶Go forth of the ark, thou, and thy wife, and thy sons, and thy sons' wives with thee.
¹⁷Bring forth with thee every living thing that is with thee, of all flesh, both of fowl, and of cattle, and of every creeping thing that creepeth upon the earth; that they may breed abundantly in the earth, and be fruitful, and multiply upon the earth.
¹⁸And Noah went forth, and his sons, and his wife, and his sons' wives with him:
¹⁹Every beast, every creeping thing, and every fowl, and whatsoever creepeth upon the earth, after their kinds, went forth out of the ark.
²⁰And Noah builded an altar unto the LORD; and took of every clean beast, and of every clean fowl, and offered burnt offerings on the altar.
So after going through months struggling to keep all these things alive, He sacrifices them to the arrogant, absent minded, spiteful twat that has killed all his freinds, destroyed his home, made him his wife and children breath the fetid, fecal, fug in a dark cramped enviorement.
²¹And the LORD smelled a sweet savour; and the LORD said in his heart, I will not again curse the ground any more for man's sake; for the imagination of man's heart is evil from his youth; neither will I again smite any more every thing living, as I have done.
²²While the earth remaineth, seedtime and harvest, and cold and heat, and summer and winter, and day and night shall not cease.
So let's recap
There's this enormous omniscient, omnipotent, omnipresent sky dude who existed before anything was anything.One day before there were days he got bored. So for his own entertainment he.....
1. Creates the universe, Light and dark.
2.Creates the earth , seas and all life on earth.
3.Creates the sun, forgets he has already created man and woman and creates another man. Who is wrongly referred to from now on as the first man. Using this man's newly created naievety, god forces this man to tend a garden, for nothing apart from a restricted diet. He then clones the gardener and performs a sex change on the clone.
4.Gives this newly formed clone for some reason an inability to follow orders, an urge to talk instead of a need to communicate and a shape that makes the man think with a different organ than the brain.
5.Is unaware that another of his creations is undermining his orders.
6.Cannot find the man and his clone.
7.Loses his temper when they follow the instincts he designed.
8.Shows favouritism, and again misses what one or two of a handful of people are doing.
9.Gets upset centuries later because people are not doing what he wanted.
10.Didn't see any of this coming.
11. Consistently blamed man for all of his own fuck ups.
Conclusion

At this time although he was powerful to create the earth and all living things his alleged foresight is strangely lacking otherwise he may have realized he would have been better off creating optometrists, massage parlours and prozac first.
There is much of God in all of humanity, not much humanity in God.