2 Samuel 11

   ¹And it came to pass, after the year was expired, at the time when kings go forth to battle, that David sent Joab, and his servants with him, and all Israel; and they destroyed the children of Ammon, and besieged Rabbah. But David tarried still at Jerusalem.

"tarried in jerusalem" 
Or to put it another way..........Far from the fighting, living in the lap of luxury surrounded by servants and sycophants.

   ²And it came to pass in an eveningtide, that David arose from off his bed, and walked upon the roof of the king's house: and from the roof he saw a woman washing herself; and the woman was very beautiful to look upon. 

Three things here.
1. "eveningtide, that David arose from off his bed" lazy bastard, while people are warring for him he lazes around all day in his pit.
2. A woman? I repeat a woman?
3."very beautiful to look upon" I assume that means she was flat chested and had narrow hips.


   ³And David sent and enquired after the woman. And one said, Is not this Bathsheba, the daughter of Eliam, the wife of Uriah the Hittite?

Would this be the time to recall the tenth commandment.
Thou shalt not covert thy neighbours  wife, nor his manservant, nor his maidservant, nor his ox, nor his ass, nor any thing that is thy neighbour's

   ⁴And David sent messengers, and took her; and she came in unto him, and he lay with her; for she was purified from her uncleanness: and she returned unto her house.

Need I say "thou shalt not commit adultery

   ⁵And the woman conceived, and sent and told David, and said, I am with child. 
   ⁶And David sent to Joab, saying, Send me Uriah the Hittite. And Joab sent Uriah to David.
   ⁷And when Uriah was come unto him, David demanded of him how Joab did, and how the people did, and how the war prospered.
   ⁸And David said to Uriah, Go down to thy house, and wash thy feet. And Uriah departed out of the king's house, and there followed him a mess of meat from the king.
   ⁹But Uriah slept at the door of the king's house with all the servants of his lord, and went not down to his house.

So Davids idea to pass the buck on Uriah did not work.
 
   ¹⁰And when they had told David, saying, Uriah went not down unto his house, David said unto Uriah, Camest thou not from thy journey? why then didst thou not go down unto thine house?
   ¹¹And Uriah said unto David, The ark, and Israel, and Judah, abide in tents; and my lord Joab, and the servants of my lord, are encamped in the open fields; shall I then go into mine house, to eat and to drink, and to lie with my wife? as thou livest, and as thy soul liveth, I will not do this thing. 

Oooh bitchy! but true.

   ¹²And David said to Uriah, Tarry here to day also, and to morrow I will let thee depart. So Uriah abode in Jerusalem that day, and the morrow.
   ¹³And when David had called him, he did eat and drink before him; and he made him drunk: and at even he went out to lie on his bed with the servants of his lord, but went not down to his house.
   ¹⁴And it came to pass in the morning, that David wrote a letter to Joab, and sent it by the hand of Uriah.
   ¹⁵And he wrote in the letter, saying, Set ye Uriah in the forefront of the hottest battle, and retire ye from him, that he may be smitten, and die.

What a bastard! None the less, a way of getting around breaking another one of the commandments.

   ¹⁶And it came to pass, when Joab observed the city, that he assigned Uriah unto a place where he knew that valiant men were.
   ¹⁷And the men of the city went out, and fought with Joab: and there fell some of the people of the servants of David; and Uriah the Hittite died also.
   ¹⁸Then Joab sent and told David all the things concerning the war;
   ¹⁹And charged the messenger, saying, When thou hast made an end of telling the matters of the war unto the king,
   ²⁰And if so be that the king's wrath arise, and he say unto thee, Wherefore approached ye so nigh unto the city when ye did fight? knew ye not that they would shoot from the wall?
   ²¹Who smote Abimelech the son of Jerubbesheth? did not a woman cast a piece of a millstone upon him from the wall, that he died in Thebez? why went ye nigh the wall? then say thou, Thy servant Uriah the Hittite is dead also.
   ²²So the messenger went, and came and shewed David all that Joab had sent him for.
   ²³And the messenger said unto David, Surely the men prevailed against us, and came out unto us into the field, and we were upon them even unto the entering of the gate.
   ²⁴And the shooters shot from off the wall upon thy servants; and some of the king's servants be dead, and thy servant Uriah the Hittite is dead also.
   ²⁵Then David said unto the messenger, Thus shalt thou say unto Joab, Let not this thing displease thee, for the sword devoureth one as well as another: make thy battle more strong against the city, and overthrow it: and encourage thou him.
   ²⁶And when the wife of Uriah heard that Uriah her husband was dead, she mourned for her husband.
   ²⁷And when the mourning was past, David sent and fetched her to his house, and she became his wife, and bare him a son. But the thing that David had done displeased the LORD.

So delard is displeased?
I am now confused, for centuries if not millenia delard has positively rewarded his people for being murderous, decietful and total bastards. You would have thought David would have been given a huge bounty by delard. 

1 Samuel 15

¹Samuel also said unto Saul, The LORD sent me to anoint thee to be king over his people, over Israel: now therefore hearken thou unto the voice of the words of the LORD.

²Thus saith the LORD of hosts, I remember that which Amalek did to Israel, how he laid wait for him in the way, when he came up from Egypt.

So de lard remembers something that happened a few hundred years before.

³Now go and smite Amalek, and utterly destroy all that they have, and spare them not; but slay both man and woman, infant and suckling, ox and sheep, camel and ass.

Even cute wittle puddie tats

But he seems to have forgotten the bits about not killing and being charitable to strangers..... Alzheimer's is a bitch

⁴And Saul gathered the people together, and numbered them in Telaim, two hundred thousand footmen, and ten thousand men of Judah.

Today's Israeli army numbers 187,000 So where did all these people come from?

⁵And Saul came to a city of Amalek, and laid wait in the valley.

⁶And Saul said unto the Kenites, Go, depart, get you down from among the Amalekites, lest I destroy you with them: for ye shewed kindness to all the children of Israel, when they came up out of Egypt. So the Kenites departed from among the Amalekites.

⁷And Saul smote the Amalekites from Havilah until thou comest to Shur, that is over against Egypt.

⁸And he took Agag the king of the Amalekites alive, and utterly destroyed all the people with the edge of the sword.

⁹But Saul and the people spared Agag, and the best of the sheep, and of the oxen, and of the fatlings, and the lambs, and all that was good, and would not utterly destroy them: but every thing that was vile and refuse, that they destroyed utterly.

But but de lard said kill everymuthafuckinthing.

¹⁰Then came the word of the LORD unto Samuel, saying,

¹¹It repenteth me that I have set up Saul to be king: for he is turned back from following me, and hath not performed my commandments. And it grieved Samuel; and he cried unto the LORD all night.

^{What!? Have I read that right? de lard repented.....Repented....... REPENTED}

¹²And when Samuel rose early to meet Saul in the morning, it was told Samuel, saying, Saul came to Carmel, and, behold, he set him up a place, and is gone about, and passed on, and gone down to Gilgal.

¹³And Samuel came to Saul: and Saul said unto him, Blessed be thou of the LORD: I have performed the commandment of the LORD.

¹⁴And Samuel said, What meaneth then this bleating of the sheep in mine ears, and the lowing of the oxen which I hear?

¹⁵And Saul said, They have brought them from the Amalekites: for the people spared the best of the sheep and of the oxen, to sacrifice unto the LORD thy God; and the rest we have utterly destroyed.

¹⁷And Samuel said, When thou wast little in thine own sight, wast thou not made the head of the tribes of Israel, and the LORD anointed thee king over Israel?

¹⁸And the LORD sent thee on a journey, and said, Go and utterly destroy the sinners the Amalekites, and fight against them until they be consumed.

¹⁹Wherefore then didst thou not obey the voice of the LORD, but didst fly upon the spoil, and didst evil in the sight of the LORD?

²⁰And Saul said unto Samuel, Yea, I have obeyed the voice of the LORD, and have gone the way which the LORD sent me, and have brought Agag the king of Amalek, and have utterly destroyed the Amalekites.

²¹But the people took of the spoil, sheep and oxen, the chief of the things which should have been utterly destroyed, to sacrifice unto the LORD thy God in Gilgal.

²²And Samuel said, Hath the LORD as great delight in burnt offerings and sacrifices, as in obeying the voice of the LORD? Behold, to obey is better than sacrifice, and to hearken than the fat of rams.

²³For rebellion is as the sin of witchcraft, and stubbornness is as iniquity and idolatry. Because thou hast rejected the word of the LORD, he hath also rejected thee from being king.

Young's literal has this

^{23for a sin of divination [is] rebellion, and iniquity and teraphim [is] stubbornness; because thou hast rejected the word of Jehovah, He also doth reject thee from [being] king.'}

^{The word witch always bothers me. I am convinced it meant wise and the Young's translation shows de lard didn't like Saul thinking for himself. This verse must be the most important verse in the bible to many modern branches of christianity.}

^{Thou shalt not think !}

So why did he give us such a big brain?

²⁴And Saul said unto Samuel, I have sinned: for I have transgressed the commandment of the LORD, and thy words: because I feared the people, and obeyed their voice.

²⁵Now therefore, I pray thee, pardon my sin, and turn again with me, that I may worship the LORD.

²⁶And Samuel said unto Saul, I will not return with thee: for thou hast rejected the word of the LORD, and the LORD hath rejected thee from being king over Israel.

²⁷And as Samuel turned about to go away, he laid hold upon the skirt of his mantle, and it rent.

²⁸And Samuel said unto him, The LORD hath rent the kingdom of Israel from thee this day, and hath given it to a neighbour of thine, that is better than thou.

²⁹And also the Strength of Israel will not lie nor repent: for he is not a man, that he should repent.

On the strength of that line alone. if the "strength of Israel" is de lard then if he has not repented then he is a liar. Or Sam is committing the same "sin" that Saul seems to have committed, either not listening to de lard or deciding he meant something different.

I am wondering whether there is a lover's tiff at the root of all this.

³⁰Then he said, I have sinned: yet honour me now, I pray thee, before the elders of my people, and before Israel, and turn again with me, that I may worship the LORD thy God.

³¹So Samuel turned again after Saul; and Saul worshipped the LORD.

Is this them kissing and making up? Is the tent gonna be rockin' tonight?

³²Then said Samuel, Bring ye hither to me Agag the king of the Amalekites. And Agag came unto him delicately. And Agag said, Surely the bitterness of death is past.

³³And Samuel said, As thy sword hath made women childless, so shall thy mother be childless among women. And Samuel hewed Agag in pieces before the LORD in Gilgal.

Ah! Now I see. Samuel is too old, he is as impotent as his god.

³⁴Then Samuel went to Ramah; and Saul went up to his house to Gibeah of Saul.

³⁵And Samuel came no more to see Saul until the day of his death: nevertheless Samuel mourned for Saul: and the LORD repented that he had made Saul king over Israel.

Mr absolutely fucking perfect has admitted he was wrong, and, get this actually feels sorrow!!!

But the bible is the inherent word of god, and de lard is infallible. Hahahahaha.

Christians and Islamists both are constantly professing that their deity knows all, sees all and does not make mistakes. Yet the bible and the koran both state time and again that de lard knows next to fuck all about everything, sees little and fucks up big time, all the time.

1 Samuel 14

¹Now it came to pass upon a day, that Jonathan the son of Saul said unto the young man that bare his armour, Come, and let us go over to the Philistines' garrison, that is on the other side. But he told not his father.

^{Why mention Young Jonny didn't tell his father? I am fairly sure they did not have mobile phones back then!}

²And Saul tarried in the uttermost part of Gibeah under a pomegranate tree which is in Migron: and the people that were with him were about six hundred men;

Six hundred men, all under one tree. I don't care how "cosy" you want to get that is one fucking big tree.

³And Ahiah, the son of Ahitub, Ichabod's brother, the son of Phinehas, the son of Eli, the LORD's priest in Shiloh, wearing an ephod. And the people knew not that Jonathan was gone.

⁴And between the passages, by which Jonathan sought to go over unto the Philistines' garrison, there was a sharp rock on the one side, and a sharp rock on the other side: and the name of the one was Bozez, and the name of the other Seneh.

⁵The forefront of the one was situate northward over against Michmash, and the other southward over against Gibeah.

⁶And Jonathan said to the young man that bare his armour, Come, and let us go over unto the garrison of these uncircumcised: it may be that the LORD will work for us: for there is no restraint to the LORD to save by many or by few.

Yes no gays in the bible, and yet everybody is obsessed with penis.

⁷And his armourbearer said unto him, Do all that is in thine heart: turn thee; behold, I am with thee according to thy heart.

⁸Then said Jonathan, Behold, we will pass over unto these men, and we will discover ourselves unto them.

⁹If they say thus unto us, Tarry until we come to you; then we will stand still in our place, and will not go up unto them.

¹⁰But if they say thus, Come up unto us; then we will go up: for the LORD hath delivered them into our hand: and this shall be a sign unto us.

Sounds like he is going cruising to me.

¹¹And both of them discovered themselves unto the garrison of the Philistines: and the Philistines said, Behold, the Hebrews come forth out of the holes where they had hid themselves.

¹²And the men of the garrison answered Jonathan and his armourbearer, and said, Come up to us, and we will shew you a thing. And Jonathan said unto his armourbearer, Come up after me: for the LORD hath delivered them into the hand of Israel.

¹³And Jonathan climbed up upon his hands and upon his feet, and his armourbearer after him: and they fell before Jonathan; and his armourbearer slew after him.

¹⁴And that first slaughter, which Jonathan and his armourbearer made, was about twenty men, within as it were an half acre of land, which a yoke of oxen might plow.

I am sure I can smell something

¹⁵And there was trembling in the host, in the field, and among all the people: the garrison, and the spoilers, they also trembled, and the earth quaked: so it was a very great trembling.

¹⁶And the watchmen of Saul in Gibeah of Benjamin looked; and, behold, the multitude melted away, and they went on beating down one another.

¹⁷Then said Saul unto the people that were with him, Number now, and see who is gone from us. And when they had numbered, behold, Jonathan and his armourbearer were not there.

Two people missing! Not six hundred, ah well easy mistake to make.

¹⁸And Saul said unto Ahiah, Bring hither the ark of God. For the ark of God was at that time with the children of Israel.

¹⁹And it came to pass, while Saul talked unto the priest, that the noise that was in the host of the Philistines went on and increased: and Saul said unto the priest, Withdraw thine hand.

Would that be the fist of god?

²⁰And Saul and all the people that were with him assembled themselves, and they came to the battle: and, behold, every man's sword was against his fellow, and there was a very great discomfiture.

²¹Moreover the Hebrews that were with the Philistines before that time, which went up with them into the camp from the country round about, even they also turned to be with the Israelites that were with Saul and Jonathan.

²²Likewise all the men of Israel which had hid themselves in mount Ephraim, when they heard that the Philistines fled, even they also followed hard after them in the battle.

This makes me wonder that the word "fled" should be "went away" My reasoning being that if six hundred is in reality two then the total number can be no more than three dozen or so. Knowing the abject cowardice with which the israelites are blessed with I can see the majority of these being the ones that "hid themselves in mount Ephraim".

²³So the LORD saved Israel that day: and the battle passed over unto Bethaven.

De lard instilled the idea to the Philistines that the Israelites were not worth a wank

²⁴And the men of Israel were distressed that day: for Saul had adjured the people, saying, Cursed be the man that eateth any food until evening, that I may be avenged on mine enemies. So none of the people tasted any food.

²⁵And all they of the land came to a wood; and there was honey upon the ground.

²⁶And when the people were come into the wood, behold, the honey dropped; but no man put his hand to his mouth: for the people feared the oath.

²⁷But Jonathan heard not when his father charged the people with the oath: wherefore he put forth the end of the rod that was in his hand, and dipped it in an honeycomb, and put his hand to his mouth; and his eyes were enlightened.

²⁸Then answered one of the people, and said, Thy father straitly charged the people with an oath, saying, Cursed be the man that eateth any food this day. And the people were faint.

²⁹Then said Jonathan, My father hath troubled the land: see, I pray you, how mine eyes have been enlightened, because I tasted a little of this honey.

³⁰How much more, if haply the people had eaten freely to day of the spoil of their enemies which they found? for had there not been now a much greater slaughter among the Philistines?

³¹And they smote the Philistines that day from Michmash to Aijalon: and the people were very faint.

Would a hungry army may be desperate to fight a bit harder than an army that only had the fact their lives depended on winning? I don't know! but if they are hungry enough to be feeling faint then I would have thought they would not be much good.

³²And the people flew upon the spoil, and took sheep, and oxen, and calves, and slew them on the ground: and the people did eat them with the blood.

³³Then they told Saul, saying, Behold, the people sin against the LORD, in that they eat with the blood. And he said, Ye have transgressed: roll a great stone unto me this day.

³⁴And Saul said, Disperse yourselves among the people, and say unto them, Bring me hither every man his ox, and every man his sheep, and slay them here, and eat; and sin not against the LORD in eating with the blood. And all the people brought every man his ox with him that night, and slew them there.

³⁵And Saul built an altar unto the LORD: the same was the first altar that he built unto the LORD.

³⁶And Saul said, Let us go down after the Philistines by night, and spoil them until the morning light, and let us not leave a man of them. And they said, Do whatsoever seemeth good unto thee. Then said the priest, Let us draw near hither unto God.

Gay rape and murder, or a saturday night in Iran as it's called today.

³⁷And Saul asked counsel of God, Shall I go down after the Philistines? wilt thou deliver them into the hand of Israel? But he answered him not that day.

³⁸And Saul said, Draw ye near hither, all the chief of the people: and know and see wherein this sin hath been this day.

³⁹For, as the LORD liveth, which saveth Israel, though it be in Jonathan my son, he shall surely die. But there was not a man among all the people that answered him.

Really! I am shocked, are they beginning to develop morals and loyalty?

⁴⁰Then said he unto all Israel, Be ye on one side, and I and Jonathan my son will be on the other side. And the people said unto Saul, Do what seemeth good unto thee.

⁴¹Therefore Saul said unto the LORD God of Israel, Give a perfect lot. And Saul and Jonathan were taken: but the people escaped.

⁴²And Saul said, Cast lots between me and Jonathan my son. And Jonathan was taken.

⁴³Then Saul said to Jonathan, Tell me what thou hast done. And Jonathan told him, and said, I did but taste a little honey with the end of the rod that was in mine hand, and, lo, I must die.

⁴⁴And Saul answered, God do so and more also: for thou shalt surely die, Jonathan.

⁴⁵And the people said unto Saul, Shall Jonathan die, who hath wrought this great salvation in Israel? God forbid: as the LORD liveth, there shall not one hair of his head fall to the ground; for he hath wrought with God this day. So the people rescued Jonathan, that he died not.

They went against the orders of de lard?

⁴⁶Then Saul went up from following the Philistines: and the Philistines went to their own place.

⁴⁷So Saul took the kingdom over Israel, and fought against all his enemies on every side, against Moab, and against the children of Ammon, and against Edom, and against the kings of Zobah, and against the Philistines: and whithersoever he turned himself, he vexed them.

⁴⁸And he gathered an host, and smote the Amalekites, and delivered Israel out of the hands of them that spoiled them.

⁴⁹Now the sons of Saul were Jonathan, and Ishui, and Melchishua: and the names of his two daughters were these; the name of the firstborn Merab, and the name of the younger Michal:

⁵⁰And the name of Saul's wife was Ahinoam, the daughter of Ahimaaz: and the name of the captain of his host was Abner, the son of Ner, Saul's uncle.

⁵¹And Kish was the father of Saul; and Ner the father of Abner was the son of Abiel.

⁵²And there was sore war against the Philistines all the days of Saul: and when Saul saw any strong man, or any man, he took him unto him.

1 Samuel 13

¹Saul reigned one year; and when he had reigned two years over Israel,

²Saul chose him three thousand men of Israel; whereof two thousand were with Saul in Michmash and in mount Bethel, and a thousand were with Jonathan in Gibeah of Benjamin: and the rest of the people he sent every man to his tent.

Surely not all at once.

³And Jonathan smote the garrison of the Philistines that was in Geba, and the Philistines heard of it. And Saul blew the trumpet throughout all the land, saying, Let the Hebrews hear.

No surprise there, it's fairly obvious Saul can blow well.

⁴And all Israel heard say that Saul had smitten a garrison of the Philistines, and that Israel also was had in abomination with the Philistines. And the people were called together after Saul to Gilgal.

⁵And the Philistines gathered themselves together to fight with Israel, thirty thousand chariots, and six thousand horsemen, and people as the sand which is on the sea shore in multitude: and they came up, and pitched in Michmash, eastward from Bethaven.

⁶When the men of Israel saw that they were in a strait, (for the people were distressed,) then the people did hide themselves in caves, and in thickets, and in rocks, and in high places, and in pits.

So the Israelites legendary bravery and heroism shows itself.

⁷And some of the Hebrews went over Jordan to the land of Gad and Gilead. As for Saul, he was yet in Gilgal, and all the people followed him trembling.

⁸And he tarried seven days, according to the set time that Samuel had appointed: but Samuel came not to Gilgal; and the people were scattered from him.

So these invaders are very patient, surely if you were invading you would subdue the locals as quickly as possible, not allow them to organise a rebellion?

⁹And Saul said, Bring hither a burnt offering to me, and peace offerings. And he offered the burnt offering.

So Samuel can be summoned by a burnt offering does that mean he is equal to de lard or is it just coincidence.

¹⁰And it came to pass, that as soon as he had made an end of offering the burnt offering, behold, Samuel came; and Saul went out to meet him, that he might salute him.

With what part of his body?

¹¹And Samuel said, What hast thou done? And Saul said, Because I saw that the people were scattered from me, and that thou camest not within the days appointed, and that the Philistines gathered themselves together at Michmash;

Oh dear they are like an old married couple..."Where the bloody hell have you been? There you are off galavanting around the country turning up a week late when I am trying to clear up this mess you left me with. Not to mention your suppers ruined burnt to a crisp it is."

¹²Therefore said I, The Philistines will come down now upon me to Gilgal, and I have not made supplication unto the LORD: I forced myself therefore, and offered a burnt offering.

¹³And Samuel said to Saul, Thou hast done foolishly: thou hast not kept the commandment of the LORD thy God, which he commanded thee: for now would the LORD have established thy kingdom upon Israel for ever.

"Don't blame me it is all your fault"

¹⁴But now thy kingdom shall not continue: the LORD hath sought him a man after his own heart, and the LORD hath commanded him to be captain over his people, because thou hast not kept that which the LORD commanded thee.

"and don't go blaming god neither, it's not his fault if he chose the wrong man for the job. Yes I know he is all knowing but you can't expect him to know everything now can you.

¹⁵And Samuel arose, and gat him up from Gilgal unto Gibeah of Benjamin. And Saul numbered the people that were present with him, about six hundred men.

¹⁶And Saul, and Jonathan his son, and the people that were present with them, abode in Gibeah of Benjamin: but the Philistines encamped in Michmash.

¹⁷And the spoilers came out of the camp of the Philistines in three companies: one company turned unto the way that leadeth to Ophrah, unto the land of Shual:

The amplified bible has raider's

¹⁸And another company turned the way to Bethhoron: and another company turned to the way of the border that looketh to the valley of Zeboim toward the wilderness.

¹⁹Now there was no smith found throughout all the land of Israel: for the Philistines said, Lest the Hebrews make them swords or spears:

²⁰But all the Israelites went down to the Philistines, to sharpen every man his share, and his coulter, and his axe, and his mattock.

²¹Yet they had a file for the mattocks, and for the coulters, and for the forks, and for the axes, and to sharpen the goads.

Amplified has the following for the last verse

²¹And the price for plowshares and mattocks was a pim, and a third of a shekel for axes and for setting goads [with resulting blunt edges on the sickles, mattocks, forks, axes, and goads.]

NLT has this

²¹ (The charges were as follows: a quarter of an ounce of silver^[f] for sharpening a plowshare or a pick, and an eighth of an ounce^[g] for sharpening an ax, a sickle, or an ox goad.)

I cannot believe I am reading this correctly.

The Philistines are apparently invading, thousands of israelites have shat themselves and ran away.

The Israelites have managed to round up six hundred men willing to fight, but have no weapons, save a few assorted, but blunt farming implements. These are then taken to the Philistines to be sharpened and they pay for them to do this. The Philistines actually do this.

This does not come across as the actions of an invading army more like a band of traveling artisans.

²²So it came to pass in the day of battle, that there was neither sword nor spear found in the hand of any of the people that were with Saul and Jonathan: but with Saul and with Jonathan his son was there found.

Six hundred farmers bravely sending an army (from verse 5)"And the Philistines gathered themselves together to fight with Israel, thirty thousand chariots, and six thousand horsemen, and people as the sand which is on the sea shore in multitude" running with their tails between thier legs

Or six hundred bloodthirsty bastards attacking an unsuspecting gypsy caravan tryng to earn an honest living?

²³And the garrison of the Philistines went out to the passage of Michmash.

1 Samuel 7

¹And the men of Kirjathjearim came, and fetched up the ark of the LORD, and brought it into the house of Abinadab in the hill, and sanctified Eleazar his son to keep the ark of the LORD.

²And it came to pass, while the ark abode in Kirjathjearim, that the time was long; for it was twenty years: and all the house of Israel lamented after the LORD.

³And Samuel spake unto all the house of Israel, saying, If ye do return unto the LORD with all your hearts, then put away the strange gods and Ashtaroth from among you, and prepare your hearts unto the LORD, and serve him only: and he will deliver you out of the hand of the Philistines.

⁴Then the children of Israel did put away Baalim and Ashtaroth, and served the LORD only.

For a god that professes to be the only god there sure are a lot of others he seems to feel are on equal ground to him. Why else would he always want them to be put away and their idols destroyed?

⁵And Samuel said, Gather all Israel to Mizpeh, and I will pray for you unto the LORD.

⁶And they gathered together to Mizpeh, and drew water, and poured it out before the LORD, and fasted on that day, and said there, We have sinned against the LORD. And Samuel judged the children of Israel in Mizpeh.

⁷And when the Philistines heard that the children of Israel were gathered together to Mizpeh, the lords of the Philistines went up against Israel. And when the children of Israel heard it, they were afraid of the Philistines.

⁸And the children of Israel said to Samuel, Cease not to cry unto the LORD our God for us, that he will save us out of the hand of the Philistines.

Things may not have been so bad if de lard had the foresight not to kill fifty thousand when they recovered the ark

⁹And Samuel took a sucking lamb, and offered it for a burnt offering wholly unto the LORD: and Samuel cried unto the LORD for Israel; and the LORD heard him.

¹⁰And as Samuel was offering up the burnt offering, the Philistines drew near to battle against Israel: but the LORD thundered with a great thunder on that day upon the Philistines, and discomfited them; and they were smitten before Israel.

Real thunder? Kill a lamb and it rains now surely if that where true then israel would not be the arid place it is. Or if de lard actually did exist, and looked after his chosen ones.

¹¹And the men of Israel went out of Mizpeh, and pursued the Philistines, and smote them, until they came under Bethcar.

¹²Then Samuel took a stone, and set it between Mizpeh and Shen, and called the name of it Ebenezer, saying, Hitherto hath the LORD helped us.

¹³So the Philistines were subdued, and they came no more into the coast of Israel: and the hand of the LORD was against the Philistines all the days of Samuel.

¹⁴And the cities which the Philistines had taken from Israel were restored to Israel, from Ekron even unto Gath; and the coasts thereof did Israel deliver out of the hands of the Philistines. And there was peace between Israel and the Amorites.

So there we have it , yet another unverifiable account of a battle of unknown size.

Now that is over we have the end tag

¹⁵And Samuel judged Israel all the days of his life.

¹⁶And he went from year to year in circuit to Bethel, and Gilgal, and Mizpeh, and judged Israel in all those places.

¹⁷And his return was to Ramah; for there was his house; and there he judged Israel; and there he built an altar unto the LORD.

1 Samuel 6

1 And the ark of the lord was in the country of the Philistines seven months.

²And the Philistines called for the priests and the diviners, saying, What shall we do to the ark of the LORD? tell us wherewith we shall send it to his place.

³And they said, If ye send away the ark of the God of Israel, send it not empty; but in any wise return him a trespass offering: then ye shall be healed, and it shall be known to you why his hand is not removed from you.

⁴Then said they, What shall be the trespass offering which we shall return to him? They answered, Five golden emerods, and five golden mice, according to the number of the lords of the Philistines: for one plague was on you all, and on your lords.

There has to be a cultural insult there: that has been lost over the centuries

⁵Wherefore ye shall make images of your emerods, and images of your mice that mar the land; and ye shall give glory unto the God of Israel: peradventure he will lighten his hand from off you, and from off your gods, and from off your land.

Not just any old emorods but YOUR emorods. So how does one get an image to make the image of ones own emorods ? Does one struggle with a polished metal plate as a mirror, or does one use mud to make a cast ? Perhaps they had access to latex back then ?


⁶ Wherefore then do ye harden your hearts, as the Egyptians and Pharaoh hardened their hearts? when he had wrought wonderfully among them, did they not let the people go, and they departed?

If the events in exodus were as described and the philistines knew of it why has no actual record ever been found only possible loose connections

⁷Now therefore make a new cart, and take two milch kine, on which there hath come no yoke, and tie the kine to the cart, and bring their calves home from them:

⁸And take the ark of the LORD, and lay it upon the cart; and put the jewels of gold, which ye return him for a trespass offering, in a coffer by the side thereof; and send it away, that it may go.

Still no reports of the Ark vaporizing it's handler's

⁹And see, if it goeth up by the way of his own coast to Bethshemesh, then he hath done us this great evil: but if not, then we shall know that it is not his hand that smote us: it was a chance that happened to us.

¹⁰And the men did so; and took two milch kine, and tied them to the cart, and shut up their calves at home:

You would think that the cows would want to be back with their calves, left to their own devices, they surely would have , but were they left to their own devices? Cows are not exactly known for outstanding intelligence and memory, mostly they are known for tasting good. At the least, the Philistines know if the Israelites god is to be placated it needs to involve some pain and suffering so separating two calves from their mothers will hopefully suffice, but somehow, knowing what a total bastard de lard is, I very much doubt it

/a>

¹¹And they laid the ark of the LORD upon the cart, and the coffer with the mice of gold and the images of their emerods.

¹²And the kine took the straight way to the way of Bethshemesh, and went along the highway, lowing as they went, and turned not aside to the right hand or to the left; and the lords of the Philistines went after them unto the border of Bethshemesh.

¹³And they of Bethshemesh were reaping their wheat harvest in the valley: and they lifted up their eyes, and saw the ark, and rejoiced to see it.

¹⁴And the cart came into the field of Joshua, a Bethshemite, and stood there, where there was a great stone: and they clave the wood of the cart, and offered the kine a burnt offering unto the LORD.

¹⁵And the Levites took down the ark of the LORD, and the coffer that was with it, wherein the jewels of gold were, and put them on the great stone: and the men of Bethshemesh offered burnt offerings and sacrificed sacrifices the same day unto the LORD.

'Cos de lard can't just be satisfied his magic box came home he has to have some dead animals burnt!

¹⁶And when the five lords of the Philistines had seen it, they returned to Ekron the same day.

¹⁷And these are the golden emerods which the Philistines returned for a trespass offering unto the LORD; for Ashdod one, for Gaza one, for Askelon one, for Gath one, for Ekron one;

¹⁸And the golden mice, according to the number of all the cities of the Philistines belonging to the five lords, both of fenced cities, and of country villages, even unto the great stone of Abel, whereon they set down the ark of the LORD: which stone remaineth unto this day in the field of Joshua, the Bethshemite.

¹⁹And he smote the men of Bethshemesh, because they had looked into the ark of the LORD, even he smote of the people fifty thousand and threescore and ten men: and the people lamented, because the LORD had smitten many of the people with a great slaughter.

So the Philistines had the ark for seven months and suffered no ill fates,(apart from piles) and the levites,the people charged with keeping it, get it back, and fifty thousand locals drop dead.

Was it de lard being a total bastard or were the Philistines clever and seeded the ark or the cows with some virulent disease? Anthrax would be possible.

Might explain why no one accompanied the cows and why the calves were kept away from their mothers.

²⁰And the men of Bethshemesh said, Who is able to stand before this holy LORD God? and to whom shall he go up from us?
²¹And they sent messengers to the inhabitants of Kirjathjearim, saying, The Philistines have brought again the ark of the LORD; come ye down, and fetch it up to you.

Y'know I smell something and I don't think its coming from those cows.

Joshua 8

¹And the LORD said unto Joshua, Fear not, neither be thou dismayed: take all the people of war with thee, and arise, go up to Ai: see, I have given into thy hand the king of Ai, and his people, and his city, and his land:

²And thou shalt do to Ai and her king as thou didst unto Jericho and her king: only the spoil thereof, and the cattle thereof, shall ye take for a prey unto yourselves: lay thee an ambush for the city behind it.

³So Joshua arose, and all the people of war, to go up against Ai: and Joshua chose out thirty thousand mighty men of valour, and sent them away by night.

So what Josh has done is to have shown them that if they dare to run away again, he will no doubt find someone else who has "accidently" pocketed something he should either have burned or handed over. At least if they die in battle they had a fighting chance.

⁴And he commanded them, saying, Behold, ye shall lie in wait against the city, even behind the city: go not very far from the city, but be ye all ready:

⁵And I, and all the people that are with me, will approach unto the city: and it shall come to pass, when they come out against us, as at the first, that we will flee before them,

⁶(For they will come out after us) till we have drawn them from the city; for they will say, They flee before us, as at the first: therefore we will flee before them.

⁷Then ye shall rise up from the ambush, and seize upon the city: for the LORD your God will deliver it into your hand.

Thirty thousand "men of valour" to sack an unguarded city mainly full of women and children. Perhaps valour meant sick genocidal bastards back when the kjv was translated.

⁸And it shall be, when ye have taken the city, that ye shall set the city on fire: according to the commandment of the LORD shall ye do. See, I have commanded you.

This i struggle to understand. If they wanted the city to live in I can see a reason, not a reason I can agree with but a reason all the same. If it was about conquest, why kill the conquered ? But it seems to be mostly about the gold, with destruction and murder as part of the reward.

⁹Joshua therefore sent them forth: and they went to lie in ambush, and abode between Bethel and Ai, on the west side of Ai: but Joshua lodged that night among the people.

¹⁰And Joshua rose up early in the morning, and numbered the people, and went up, he and the elders of Israel, before the people to Ai.

¹¹And all the people, even the people of war that were with him, went up, and drew nigh, and came before the city, and pitched on the north side of Ai: now there was a valley between them and Ai.

¹²And he took about five thousand men, and set them to lie in ambush between Bethel and Ai, on the west side of the city.

¹³And when they had set the people, even all the host that was on the north of the city, and their liers in wait on the west of the city, Joshua went that night into the midst of the valley.

¹⁴And it came to pass, when the king of Ai saw it, that they hasted and rose up early, and the men of the city went out against Israel to battle, he and all his people, at a time appointed, before the plain; but he wist not that there were liers in ambush against him behind the city.

¹⁵And Joshua and all Israel made as if they were beaten before them, and fled by the way of the wilderness.

¹⁶And all the people that were in Ai were called together to pursue after them: and they pursued after Joshua, and were drawn away from the city.

¹⁷And there was not a man left in Ai or Bethel, that went not out after Israel: and they left the city open, and pursued after Israel.

¹⁸And the LORD said unto Joshua, Stretch out the spear that is in thy hand toward Ai; for I will give it into thine hand. And Joshua stretched out the spear that he had in his hand toward the city.

¹⁹And the ambush arose quickly out of their place, and they ran as soon as he had stretched out his hand: and they entered into the city, and took it, and hasted and set the city on fire.

²⁰And when the men of Ai looked behind them, they saw, and, behold, the smoke of the city ascended up to heaven, and they had no power to flee this way or that way: and the people that fled to the wilderness turned back upon the pursuers.

²¹And when Joshua and all Israel saw that the ambush had taken the city, and that the smoke of the city ascended, then they turned again, and slew the men of Ai.

²²And the other issued out of the city against them; so they were in the midst of Israel, some on this side, and some on that side: and they smote them, so that they let none of them remain or escape.

²³And the king of Ai they took alive, and brought him to Joshua.

²⁴And it came to pass, when Israel had made an end of slaying all the inhabitants of Ai in the field, in the wilderness wherein they chased them, and when they were all fallen on the edge of the sword, until they were consumed, that all the Israelites returned unto Ai, and smote it with the edge of the sword.

²⁵And so it was, that all that fell that day, both of men and women, were twelve thousand, even all the men of Ai.

²⁶For Joshua drew not his hand back, wherewith he stretched out the spear, until he had utterly destroyed all the inhabitants of Ai.

²⁷Only the cattle and the spoil of that city Israel took for a prey unto themselves, according unto the word of the LORD which he commanded Joshua.

I cant fault the tactics. Similar tactics have been used time and again throughout history, and have continued to work time and again.

However. It is an occurrence that disgusts me. I find this story as difficult to understand as the atrocities committed by the Nazi's in WW2, and certainly no more justifiable.

²⁸And Joshua burnt Ai, and made it an heap for ever, even a desolation unto this day.

²⁹And the king of Ai he hanged on a tree until eventide: and as soon as the sun was down, Joshua commanded that they should take his carcase down from the tree, and cast it at the entering of the gate of the city, and raise thereon a great heap of stones, that remaineth unto this day.

³⁰Then Joshua built an altar unto the LORD God of Israel in mount Ebal,

³¹As Moses the servant of the LORD commanded the children of Israel, as it is written in the book of the law of Moses, an altar of whole stones, over which no man hath lift up any iron: and they offered thereon burnt offerings unto the LORD, and sacrificed peace offerings.

³²And he wrote there upon the stones a copy of the law of Moses, which he wrote in the presence of the children of Israel.

Has anyone unearthed a stone in the area with the words"Thou shalt be Cunts" inscribed

³³And all Israel, and their elders, and officers, and their judges, stood on this side the ark and on that side before the priests the Levites, which bare the ark of the covenant of the LORD, as well the stranger, as he that was born among them; half of them over against mount Gerizim, and half of them over against mount Ebal; as Moses the servant of the LORD had commanded before, that they should bless the people of Israel.

³⁴And afterward he read all the words of the law, the blessings and cursings, according to all that is written in the book of the law.

All these laws telling you what you can and can't do to, or with who. I have said it before you only need two laws.

³⁵There was not a word of all that Moses commanded, which Joshua read not before all the congregation of Israel, with the women, and the little ones, and the strangers that were conversant among them.

Who the fuck are these strangers ?

Deuteronomy 21

¹If one be found slain in the land which the LORD thy God giveth thee to possess it, lying in the field, and it be not known who hath slain him:

²Then thy elders and thy judges shall come forth, and they shall measure unto the cities which are round about him that is slain:

³And it shall be, that the city which is next unto the slain man, even the elders of that city shall take an heifer, which hath not been wrought with, and which hath not drawn in the yoke;

When they say heifer I cannot help wonder whether they really mean a cow, considering the high esteem they hold their womenfolk.

⁴And the elders of that city shall bring down the heifer unto a rough valley, which is neither eared nor sown, and shall strike off the heifer's neck there in the valley:

I really hope they mean a cow ........but why ?

⁵And the priests the sons of Levi shall come near; for them the LORD thy God hath chosen to minister unto him, and to bless in the name of the LORD; and by their word shall every controversy and every stroke be tried:

⁶And all the elders of that city, that are next unto the slain man, shall wash their hands over the heifer that is beheaded in the valley:

So let me get this right ...Dear old Fred Flintstein is having a stroll and has a heart attack and drops dead. His good friend Barnabas finds him and alerts the "authorities" and some poor cow looses their head and the priesthood come and wash their hands over the cows corpse... I say again why ?

⁷And they shall answer and say, Our hands have not shed this blood, neither have our eyes seen it.

⁸Be merciful, O LORD, unto thy people Israel, whom thou hast redeemed, and lay not innocent blood unto thy people of Israel's charge. And the blood shall be forgiven them.

But if dear old Fred had been a victim of murder most foul with his head and entrails spread over three acres of land and no-one to blame the end result is.........the same.

Ele-fuckin-mentry my dear watson

⁹So shalt thou put away the guilt of innocent blood from among you, when thou shalt do that which is right in the sight of the LORD.

¹⁰When thou goest forth to war against thine enemies, and the LORD thy God hath delivered them into thine hands, and thou hast taken them captive,

This will be the Israelites view of war.....find an isolated city minding it's own business and attack it.

¹¹And seest among the captives a beautiful woman, and hast a desire unto her, that thou wouldest have her to thy wife;

Because a woman(girl) always looks her most desirable when terrified and grief stricken

¹²Then thou shalt bring her home to thine house, and she shall shave her head, and pare her nails;

Vidal Sassoon would not approve.

¹³And she shall put the raiment of her captivity from off her, and shall remain in thine house, and bewail her father and her mother a full month: and after that thou shalt go in unto her, and be her husband, and she shall be thy wife.

Raiment of captivity....Ropes ? Shalt go in unto her...Rape her and that is her wedding ceromony wow! get David Bailey to do the pics.So where did the poncy bollocks with the twat in the black and white frock, spouting shit about de lard and wholly matrimony come from ?

¹⁴And it shall be, if thou have no delight in her, then thou shalt let her go whither she will; but thou shalt not sell her at all for money, thou shalt not make merchandise of her, because thou hast humbled her.

So if she is not totally enamoured and impressed by the way you slaughtered her parents, brothers every elderly and male person she has ever known. Then brought to rapturous orgasm as you violently take her virginity, you are within your rights to sling her out on her ear. de lard surely is love.

¹⁵If a man have two wives, one beloved, and another hated, and they have born him children, both the beloved and the hated; and if the firstborn son be hers that was hated:

¹⁶Then it shall be, when he maketh his sons to inherit that which he hath, that he may not make the son of the beloved firstborn before the son of the hated, which is indeed the firstborn:

¹⁷But he shall acknowledge the son of the hated for the firstborn, by giving him a double portion of all that he hath: for he is the beginning of his strength; the right of the firstborn is his.

Isaac and Esau any one ?

¹⁸If a man have a stubborn and rebellious son, which will not obey the voice of his father, or the voice of his mother, and that, when they have chastened him, will not hearken unto them:

And what father with a son hasn't.

¹⁹Then shall his father and his mother lay hold on him, and bring him out unto the elders of his city, and unto the gate of his place;

²⁰And they shall say unto the elders of his city, This our son is stubborn and rebellious, he will not obey our voice; he is a glutton, and a drunkard.

²¹And all the men of his city shall stone him with stones, that he die: so shalt thou put evil away from among you; and all Israel shall hear, and fear.

If this was law I assure you that you would not be reading this......A glutton and a drunkard ....Two of my finest qualities.

²²And if a man have committed a sin worthy of death, and he be to be put to death, and thou hang him on a tree:

According to the laws of Moses I would have to be ressurected many times to be executed for all the sins worthy of death I have apparently committed, yet here I stand, sitting here with no criminal record

²³His body shall not remain all night upon the tree, but thou shalt in any wise bury him that day; (for he that is hanged is accursed of God;) that thy land be not defiled, which the LORD thy God giveth thee for an inheritance.