Deuteronomy 14

¹Ye are the children of the LORD your God: ye shall not cut yourselves, nor make any baldness between your eyes for the dead.

²For thou art an holy people unto the LORD thy God, and the LORD hath chosen thee to be a peculiar people unto himself, above all the nations that are upon the earth.

³Thou shalt not eat any abominable thing.

Does that mean snowmen, or the Mother In Laws cooking ?

⁴These are the beasts which ye shall eat: the ox, the sheep, and the goat,

⁵The hart, and the roebuck, and the fallow deer, and the wild goat, and the pygarg, and the wild ox, and the chamois.

What the fuck is a pygarg

? I looked it up and it's definitely an antelope, or an eagle, or a rabbit, or perhaps one of these four legged birds or insects we have been told about.To be honest nobody is sure so it must have tasted real good as there are none left

⁶And every beast that parteth the hoof, and cleaveth the cleft into two claws, and cheweth the cud among the beasts, that ye shall eat.

⁷Nevertheless these ye shall not eat of them that chew the cud, or of them that divide the cloven hoof; as the camel, and the hare, and the coney: for they chew the cud, but divide not the hoof; therefore they are unclean unto you.

⁸And the swine, because it divideth the hoof, yet cheweth not the cud, it is unclean unto you: ye shall not eat of their flesh, nor touch their dead carcase.

But ...but... but...they taste soooo good.

No really, you can keep your ambrosia the real food of the gods is pork and bacon.

⁹These ye shall eat of all that are in the waters: all that have fins and scales shall ye eat:

¹⁰And whatsoever hath not fins and scales ye may not eat; it is unclean unto you.

¹¹Of all clean birds ye shall eat.

¹²But these are they of which ye shall not eat: the eagle, and the ossifrage, and the ospray,

¹³And the glede, and the kite, and the vulture after his kind,

¹⁴And every raven after his kind,

¹⁵And the owl, and the night hawk, and the cuckow, and the hawk after his kind,

¹⁶The little owl, and the great owl, and the swan,

¹⁷And the pelican, and the gier eagle, and the cormorant,

¹⁸And the stork, and the heron after her kind, and the lapwing, and the bat.

The bat! fuck me am I stupid ?There was me thinking it was a mammal

¹⁹And every creeping thing that flieth is unclean unto you: they shall not be eaten.

You try riding a motorcycle and not eating the odd flying creeping thing. It happens, you can't help it, but come those balmy summer nights and autumn evenings I could keep a large family of bats healthy on the amount of flying insects I must digest. I don't even notice the taste half the time. The consistency however, is another matter.

²⁰But of all clean fowls ye may eat.

Are there any left ?

²¹Ye shall not eat of anything that dieth of itself: thou shalt give it unto the stranger that is in thy gates, that he may eat it; or thou mayest sell it unto an alien: for thou art an holy people unto the LORD thy God. Thou shalt not seethe a kid in his mother's milk.

He does go on about this, I must admit I have never eaten a kid boiled in milk but if I did I would make sure I milked it's mother personally.

²²Thou shalt truly tithe all the increase of thy seed, that the field bringeth forth year by year.

What ? de lard wants 10% of the wet spot when you and your lover have finished.

²³And thou shalt eat before the LORD thy God, in the place which he shall choose to place his name there, the tithe of thy corn, of thy wine, and of thine oil, and the firstlings of thy herds and of thy flocks; that thou mayest learn to fear the LORD thy God always.

You try having a picnic halfway through a service, especially if you do your grovelling at one of the mega churches with thier gun toting ushers.

²⁴And if the way be too long for thee, so that thou art not able to carry it; or if the place be too far from thee, which the LORD thy God shall choose to set his name there, when the LORD thy God hath blessed thee:

²⁵Then shalt thou turn it into money, and bind up the money in thine hand, and shalt go unto the place which the LORD thy God shall choose:

Yea verily !de lard he has chosen your local preachers back pocket.

Fuck me you read lines like this and think how can people be this fucking stupid ?

²⁶And thou shalt bestow that money for whatsoever thy soul lusteth after, for oxen, or for sheep, or for wine, or for strong drink, or for whatsoever thy soul desireth: and thou shalt eat there before the LORD thy God, and thou shalt rejoice, thou, and thine household,

²⁷And the Levite that is within thy gates; thou shalt not forsake him; for he hath no part nor inheritance with thee.

For levite substitute you local religious leader

²⁸At the end of three years thou shalt bring forth all the tithe of thine increase the same year, and shalt lay it up within thy gates:

²⁹And the Levite, (because he hath no part nor inheritance with thee,) and the stranger, and the fatherless, and the widow, which are within thy gates, shall come, and shall eat and be satisfied; that the LORD thy God may bless thee in all the work of thine hand which thou doest.

Deuteronomy 13

¹If there arise among you a prophet, or a dreamer of dreams, and giveth thee a sign or a wonder,

This sign of wonder nowadays mostly seems waving your hands in the air and spouting some meaningless gibberish.

²And the sign or the wonder come to pass, whereof he spake unto thee, saying, Let us go after other gods, which thou hast not known, and let us serve them;

The ESV has this

²and the sign or wonder that he tells you comes to pass, and if he says, 'Let us go after other gods,' which you have not known, 'and let us serve them,'

³Thou shalt not hearken unto the words of that prophet, or that dreamer of dreams: for the LORD your God proveth you, to know whether ye love the LORD your God with all your heart and with all your soul.

³you shall not listen to the words of that prophet or that dreamer of dreams. For the LORD your God is testing you, to know whether you love the LORD your God with all your heart and with all your soul.

⁴Ye shall walk after the LORD your God, and fear him, and keep his commandments, and obey his voice, and ye shall serve him, and cleave unto him.

⁴You shall walk after the LORD your God and fear him and keep his commandments and obey his voice, and you shall serve him and hold fast to him.

⁵And that prophet, or that dreamer of dreams, shall be put to death; because he hath spoken to turn you away from the LORD your God, which brought you out of the land of Egypt, and redeemed you out of the house of bondage, to thrust thee out of the way which the LORD thy God commanded thee to walk in. So shalt thou put the evil away from the midst of thee.

Now I hate to have to keep repeating myself but as I see it these fundamentalist belief is that god willed the universe including his own sometimes physical form into existence. de lard is by his own admission suffering from a severe case of jealousy, which must by definition stem from his own insecurities and self loathing. Which makes me think why does he blame mankind for being as he created them and why did he create his own body with the reproductive organs of a eunuch shrew

⁶If thy brother, the son of thy mother, or thy son, or thy daughter, or the wife of thy bosom, or thy friend, which is as thine own soul, entice thee secretly, saying, Let us go and serve other gods, which thou hast not known, thou, nor thy fathers;

⁷Namely, of the gods of the people which are round about you, nigh unto thee, or far off from thee, from the one end of the earth even unto the other end of the earth;

de lards omniscience again, how does a globe have ends ?

⁸Thou shalt not consent unto him, nor hearken unto him; neither shall thine eye pity him, neither shalt thou spare, neither shalt thou conceal him:

⁹But thou shalt surely kill him; thine hand shall be first upon him to put him to death, and afterwards the hand of all the people.

¹⁰And thou shalt stone him with stones, that he die; because he hath sought to thrust thee away from the LORD thy God, which brought thee out of the land of Egypt, from the house of bondage.

Hey, cool ,I'm gonna get stoned !

¹¹And all Israel shall hear, and fear, and shall do no more any such wickedness as this is among you.

Killing and maiming of innocent people children included is fine but don't you dare bow down to any other imaginary tyrant (does this not include the as yet future alleged messiah and all the other sons of god)

¹²If thou shalt hear say in one of thy cities, which the LORD thy God hath given thee to dwell there, saying,

¹³Certain men, the children of Belial, are gone out from among you, and have withdrawn the inhabitants of their city, saying, Let us go and serve other gods, which ye have not known;

¹⁴Then shalt thou enquire, and make search, and ask diligently; and, behold, if it be truth, and the thing certain, that such abomination is wrought among you;

¹⁵Thou shalt surely smite the inhabitants of that city with the edge of the sword, destroying it utterly, and all that is therein, and the cattle thereof, with the edge of the sword.

Is this not de lards omniscience again conspicuous by it's abscence. No mention of an air force, rocket launchers or fragmentation grenades.

¹⁶And thou shalt gather all the spoil of it into the midst of the street thereof, and shalt burn with fire the city, and all the spoil thereof every whit, for the LORD thy God: and it shall be an heap for ever; it shall not be built again.

¹⁷And there shall cleave nought of the cursed thing to thine hand: that the LORD may turn from the fierceness of his anger, and shew thee mercy, and have compassion upon thee, and multiply thee, as he hath sworn unto thy fathers;

de lards impotence showing here, why doesn't he do it himself ?

¹⁸When thou shalt hearken to the voice of the LORD thy God, to keep all his commandments which I command thee this day, to do that which is right in the eyes of the LORD thy God.

Deuteronomy 1

¹These be the words which Moses spake unto all Israel on this side Jordan in the wilderness, in the plain over against the Red sea, between Paran, and Tophel, and Laban, and Hazeroth, and Dizahab.

This first line implies that this book was written by someone other than Moses, as does the writing style.

²(There are eleven days' journey from Horeb by the way of mount Seir unto Kadeshbarnea.)

³And it came to pass in the fortieth year, in the eleventh month, on the first day of the month, that Moses spake unto the children of Israel, according unto all that the LORD had given him in commandment unto them;

⁴After he had slain Sihon the king of the Amorites, which dwelt in Heshbon, and Og the king of Bashan, which dwelt at Astaroth in Edrei:

Moses did it personally did he ?

⁵On this side Jordan, in the land of Moab, began Moses to declare this law, saying,

⁶The LORD our God spake unto us in Horeb, saying, Ye have dwelt long enough in this mount:

⁷Turn you, and take your journey, and go to the mount of the Amorites, and unto all the places nigh thereunto, in the plain, in the hills, and in the vale, and in the south, and by the sea side, to the land of the Canaanites, and unto Lebanon, unto the great river, the river Euphrates.

⁸Behold, I have set the land before you: go in and possess the land which the LORD sware unto your fathers, Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob, to give unto them and to their seed after them.

There's a promise from de lard. History tells us time and again how good de lards promises are, especially this one.

⁹And I spake unto you at that time, saying, I am not able to bear you myself alone:

¹⁰The LORD your God hath multiplied you, and, behold, ye are this day as the stars of heaven for multitude.

Couple of points here....I would have thought any increase in numbers would have been down to fucking, not god. Then again, if fucking is your god,then that is fine. That's the kind of god I can put my faith in.

Secondly, has god told him they are this day as the stars of heaven for multitude. If he did this is a downright lie. Yet another example of gods trustworthiness and reliability.

¹¹(The LORD God of your fathers make you a thousand times so many more as ye are, and bless you, as he hath promised you!)

¹²How can I myself alone bear your cumbrance, and your burden, and your strife?

You would have thought the riches and slaves would have helped ?

¹³Take you wise men, and understanding, and known among your tribes, and I will make them rulers over you.

¹⁴And ye answered me, and said, The thing which thou hast spoken is good for us to do.

¹⁵So I took the chief of your tribes, wise men, and known, and made them heads over you, captains over thousands, and captains over hundreds, and captains over fifties, and captains over tens, and officers among your tribes.

And gave them powers to fleece you all and take a cut of all transactions in the name of de lard.

¹⁶And I charged your judges at that time, saying, Hear the causes between your brethren, and judge righteously between every man and his brother, and the stranger that is with him.

¹⁷Ye shall not respect persons in judgment; but ye shall hear the small as well as the great; ye shall not be afraid of the face of man; for the judgment is God's: and the cause that is too hard for you, bring it unto me, and I will hear it.

Just in case god is busy, or just not available.

¹⁸And I commanded you at that time all the things which ye should do.

¹⁹And when we departed from Horeb, we went through all that great and terrible wilderness, which ye saw by the way of the mountain of the Amorites, as the LORD our God commanded us; and we came to Kadeshbarnea.

²⁰And I said unto you, Ye are come unto the mountain of the Amorites, which the LORD our God doth give unto us.

²¹Behold, the LORD thy God hath set the land before thee: go up and possess it, as the LORD God of thy fathers hath said unto thee; fear not, neither be discouraged.

²²And ye came near unto me every one of you, and said, We will send men before us, and they shall search us out the land, and bring us word again by what way we must go up, and into what cities we shall come.

²³And the saying pleased me well: and I took twelve men of you, one of a tribe:

²⁴And they turned and went up into the mountain, and came unto the valley of Eshcol, and searched it out.

²⁵And they took of the fruit of the land in their hands, and brought it down unto us, and brought us word again, and said, It is a good land which the LORD our God doth give us.

²⁶Notwithstanding ye would not go up, but rebelled against the commandment of the LORD your God:

²⁷And ye murmured in your tents, and said, Because the LORD hated us, he hath brought us forth out of the land of Egypt, to deliver us into the hand of the Amorites, to destroy us.

²⁸Whither shall we go up? our brethren have discouraged our heart, saying, The people is greater and taller than we; the cities are great and walled up to heaven; and moreover we have seen the sons of the Anakims there.

²⁹Then I said unto you, Dread not, neither be afraid of them.

³⁰The LORD your God which goeth before you, he shall fight for you, according to all that he did for you in Egypt before your eyes;

³¹And in the wilderness, where thou hast seen how that the LORD thy God bare thee, as a man doth bear his son, in all the way that ye went, until ye came into this place.

³²Yet in this thing ye did not believe the LORD your God,

³³Who went in the way before you, to search you out a place to pitch your tents in, in fire by night, to shew you by what way ye should go, and in a cloud by day.

³⁴And the LORD heard the voice of your words, and was wroth, and sware, saying,

³⁵Surely there shall not one of these men of this evil generation see that good land, which I sware to give unto your fathers.

³⁶Save Caleb the son of Jephunneh; he shall see it, and to him will I give the land that he hath trodden upon, and to his children, because he hath wholly followed the LORD.

³⁷Also the LORD was angry with me for your sakes, saying, Thou also shalt not go in thither.

³⁸But Joshua the son of Nun, which standeth before thee, he shall go in thither: encourage him: for he shall cause Israel to inherit it.

³⁹Moreover your little ones, which ye said should be a prey, and your children, which in that day had no knowledge between good and evil, they shall go in thither, and unto them will I give it, and they shall possess it.

⁴⁰But as for you, turn you, and take your journey into the wilderness by the way of the Red sea.

⁴¹Then ye answered and said unto me, We have sinned against the LORD, we will go up and fight, according to all that the LORD our God commanded us. And when ye had girded on every man his weapons of war, ye were ready to go up into the hill.

⁴²And the LORD said unto me, Say unto them. Go not up, neither fight; for I am not among you; lest ye be smitten before your enemies.

Because god can't be everywhere at once can he ?

⁴³So I spake unto you; and ye would not hear, but rebelled against the commandment of the LORD, and went presumptuously up into the hill.

⁴⁴And the Amorites, which dwelt in that mountain, came out against you, and chased you, as bees do, and destroyed you in Seir, even unto Hormah.

Note this,the Amorites when they defeated the Israelites they didn't kill every last one of them save for the virgin women. Also that the conquest of the land wasn't the walkover implied in the previous book. But that would imply limitations to de power of de lard.

⁴⁵And ye returned and wept before the LORD; but the LORD would not hearken to your voice, nor give ear unto you.

Ooh ! the poor isrealites...They cant muder, rape and pillage the innocent without help from their god of love.

⁴⁶So ye abode in Kadesh many days, according unto the days that ye abode there.

Numbers 13

¹And the LORD spake unto Moses, saying,

²Send thou men, that they may search the land of Canaan, which I give unto the children of Israel: of every tribe of their fathers shall ye send a man, every one a ruler among them.

I think I would have been more impressed if god had appeared to those he deemed suitable or even better teleported them to Moses's tent. But the omnipotent omniscient one is again relying on the infallible and incorruptible Jewish men.

³And Moses by the commandment of the LORD sent them from the wilderness of Paran: all those men were heads of the children of Israel.

⁴And these were their names: of the tribe of Reuben, Shammua the son of Zaccur.

⁵Of the tribe of Simeon, Shaphat the son of Hori.

⁶Of the tribe of Judah, Caleb the son of Jephunneh.

⁷Of the tribe of Issachar, Igal the son of Joseph.

⁸Of the tribe of Ephraim, Oshea the son of Nun.

⁹Of the tribe of Benjamin, Palti the son of Raphu.

¹⁰Of the tribe of Zebulun, Gaddiel the son of Sodi.

¹¹Of the tribe of Joseph, namely, of the tribe of Manasseh, Gaddi the son of Susi.

¹²Of the tribe of Dan, Ammiel the son of Gemalli.

¹³Of the tribe of Asher, Sethur the son of Michael.

¹⁴Of the tribe of Naphtali, Nahbi the son of Vophsi.

¹⁵Of the tribe of Gad, Geuel the son of Machi.

¹⁶These are the names of the men which Moses sent to spy out the land. And Moses called Oshea the son of Nun Jehoshua.

Again could god not have said who was where ,maybe he had something in his eye.

¹⁷And Moses sent them to spy out the land of Canaan, and said unto them, Get you up this way southward, and go up into the mountain:

Because that's what the meek do.

¹⁸And see the land, what it is, and the people that dwelleth therein, whether they be strong or weak, few or many;

¹⁹And what the land is that they dwell in, whether it be good or bad; and what cities they be that they dwell in, whether in tents, or in strong holds;

²⁰And what the land is, whether it be fat or lean, whether there be wood therein, or not. And be ye of good courage, and bring of the fruit of the land. Now the time was the time of the firstripe grapes.

²¹So they went up, and searched the land from the wilderness of Zin unto Rehob, as men come to Hamath.

People are still going there ... oh no that's from the wildness and sin to rehab.

²²And they ascended by the south, and came unto Hebron; where Ahiman, Sheshai, and Talmai, the children of Anak, were. (Now Hebron was built seven years before Zoan in Egypt.)

²³And they came unto the brook of Eshcol, and cut down from thence a branch with one cluster of grapes, and they bare it between two upon a staff; and they brought of the pomegranates, and of the figs.

²⁴The place was called the brook Eshcol, because of the cluster of grapes which the children of Israel cut down from thence.

²⁵And they returned from searching of the land after forty days.

²⁶And they went and came to Moses, and to Aaron, and to all the congregation of the children of Israel, unto the wilderness of Paran, to Kadesh; and brought back word unto them, and unto all the congregation, and shewed them the fruit of the land.

²⁷And they told him, and said, We came unto the land whither thou sentest us, and surely it floweth with milk and honey; and this is the fruit of it.

²⁸Nevertheless the people be strong that dwell in the land, and the cities are walled, and very great: and moreover we saw the children of Anak there.

²⁹The Amalekites dwell in the land of the south: and the Hittites, and the Jebusites, and the Amorites, dwell in the mountains: and the Canaanites dwell by the sea, and by the coast of Jordan.

³⁰And Caleb stilled the people before Moses, and said, Let us go up at once, and possess it; for we are well able to overcome it.

³¹But the men that went up with him said, We be not able to go up against the people; for they are stronger than we.

³²And they brought up an evil report of the land which they had searched unto the children of Israel, saying, The land, through which we have gone to search it, is a land that eateth up the inhabitants thereof; and all the people that we saw in it are men of a great stature.

³³And there we saw the giants, the sons of Anak, which come of the giants: and we were in our own sight as grasshoppers, and so we were in their sight.

Giants....hmmm how tall are these giants or should I be asking how short are the Jews. Could this be the reason no irrefutable evidence of Moses's meanderings have been found. Were these people knee high to a hobbit ?
Perhaps they had just seen statues. Or on the other hand ...No I shouldn't be suggesting this ...but ...maybe ...just maybe somebody made it up or was bribed to tell tales of scary giants.

Leviticus 14

¹And the LORD spake unto Moses, saying,

²This shall be the law of the leper in the day of his cleansing: He shall be brought unto the priest:

³And the priest shall go forth out of the camp; and the priest shall look, and, behold, if the plague of leprosy be healed in the leper;

Did you notice the word "IF" there ?

⁴Then shall the priest command to take for him that is to be cleansed two birds alive and clean, and cedar wood, and scarlet, and hyssop:

⁵And the priest shall command that one of the birds be killed in an earthen vessel over running water:

⁶As for the living bird, he shall take it, and the cedar wood, and the scarlet, and the hyssop, and shall dip them and the living bird in the blood of the bird that was killed over the running water:

⁷And he shall sprinkle upon him that is to be cleansed from the leprosy seven times, and shall pronounce him clean, and shall let the living bird loose into the open field.

A meaningless ritual that celebrates the fact that the priest misdiagnosed the "leper" in the first place.

⁸And he that is to be cleansed shall wash his clothes, and shave off all his hair, and wash himself in water, that he may be clean: and after that he shall come into the camp, and shall tarry abroad out of his tent seven days.

⁹But it shall be on the seventh day, that he shall shave all his hair off his head and his beard and his eyebrows, even all his hair he shall shave off: and he shall wash his clothes, also he shall wash his flesh in water, and he shall be clean.

Hedge your bets...make sure you haven't fucked up some more and drag it out to impress your audience.

¹⁰And on the eighth day he shall take two he lambs without blemish, and one ewe lamb of the first year without blemish, and three tenth deals of fine flour for a meat offering, mingled with oil, and one log of oil.

¹¹And the priest that maketh him clean shall present the man that is to be made clean, and those things, before the LORD, at the door of the tabernacle of the congregation:

¹²And the priest shall take one he lamb, and offer him for a trespass offering, and the log of oil, and wave them for a wave offering before the LORD:

¹³And he shall slay the lamb in the place where he shall kill the sin offering and the burnt offering, in the holy place: for as the sin offering is the priest's, so is the trespass offering: it is most holy:

¹⁴And the priest shall take some of the blood of the trespass offering, and the priest shall put it upon the tip of the right ear of him that is to be cleansed, and upon the thumb of his right hand, and upon the great toe of his right foot:

¹⁵And the priest shall take some of the log of oil, and pour it into the palm of his own left hand:

¹⁶And the priest shall dip his right finger in the oil that is in his left hand, and shall sprinkle of the oil with his finger seven times before the LORD:

I'll bet there's many choir boys and ex choir boys that associate priests with an oiled up finger with something other than a cure for leprosy.

¹⁷And of the rest of the oil that is in his hand shall the priest put upon the tip of the right ear of him that is to be cleansed, and upon the thumb of his right hand, and upon the great toe of his right foot, upon the blood of the trespass offering:

¹⁸And the remnant of the oil that is in the priest's hand he shall pour upon the head of him that is to be cleansed: and the priest shall make an atonement for him before the LORD.

¹⁹And the priest shall offer the sin offering, and make an atonement for him that is to be cleansed from his uncleanness; and afterward he shall kill the burnt offering:

²⁰And the priest shall offer the burnt offering and the meat offering upon the altar: and the priest shall make an atonement for him, and he shall be clean.

²¹And if he be poor, and cannot get so much; then he shall take one lamb for a trespass offering to be waved, to make an atonement for him, and one tenth deal of fine flour mingled with oil for a meat offering, and a log of oil;

²²And two turtledoves, or two young pigeons, such as he is able to get; and the one shall be a sin offering, and the other a burnt offering.

²³And he shall bring them on the eighth day for his cleansing unto the priest, unto the door of the tabernacle of the congregation, before the LORD.

²⁴And the priest shall take the lamb of the trespass offering, and the log of oil, and the priest shall wave them for a wave offering before the LORD:

²⁵And he shall kill the lamb of the trespass offering, and the priest shall take some of the blood of the trespass offering, and put it upon the tip of the right ear of him that is to be cleansed, and upon the thumb of his right hand, and upon the great toe of his right foot:

²⁶And the priest shall pour of the oil into the palm of his own left hand:

²⁷And the priest shall sprinkle with his right finger some of the oil that is in his left hand seven times before the LORD:

²⁸And the priest shall put of the oil that is in his hand upon the tip of the right ear of him that is to be cleansed, and upon the thumb of his right hand, and upon the great toe of his right foot, upon the place of the blood of the trespass offering:

²⁹And the rest of the oil that is in the priest's hand he shall put upon the head of him that is to be cleansed, to make an atonement for him before the LORD.

³⁰And he shall offer the one of the turtledoves, or of the young pigeons, such as he can get;

³¹Even such as he is able to get, the one for a sin offering, and the other for a burnt offering, with the meat offering: and the priest shall make an atonement for him that is to be cleansed before the LORD.

³²This is the law of him in whom is the plague of leprosy, whose hand is not able to get that which pertaineth to his cleansing.

³³And the LORD spake unto Moses and unto Aaron, saying,

³⁴When ye be come into the land of Canaan, which I give to you for a possession, and I put the plague of leprosy in a house of the land of your possession;

What ? Is this a glimmer of the alleged omniscience ?

Shit I nearly forgot this was all written down much later, there is nothing as wise as hindsight.

³⁵And he that owneth the house shall come and tell the priest, saying, It seemeth to me there is as it were a plague in the house:

³⁶Then the priest shall command that they empty the house, before the priest go into it to see the plague, that all that is in the house be not made unclean: and afterward the priest shall go in to see the house:

³⁷And he shall look on the plague, and, behold, if the plague be in the walls of the house with hollow strakes, greenish or reddish, which in sight are lower than the wall;

³⁸Then the priest shall go out of the house to the door of the house, and shut up the house seven days:

³⁹And the priest shall come again the seventh day, and shall look: and, behold, if the plague be spread in the walls of the house;

So if your house is damp and suffering from mildew or you are just crap at doing housework and your a dirty cunt the remedy is ......

⁴⁰Then the priest shall command that they take away the stones in which the plague is, and they shall cast them into an unclean place without the city:

Tear down your house.

⁴¹And he shall cause the house to be scraped within round about, and they shall pour out the dust that they scrape off without the city into an unclean place:

⁴²And they shall take other stones, and put them in the place of those stones; and he shall take other morter, and shall plaister the house.

⁴³And if the plague come again, and break out in the house, after that he hath taken away the stones, and after he hath scraped the house, and after it is plaistered;

⁴⁴Then the priest shall come and look, and, behold, if the plague be spread in the house, it is a fretting leprosy in the house; it is unclean.

⁴⁵And he shall break down the house, the stones of it, and the timber thereof, and all the morter of the house; and he shall carry them forth out of the city into an unclean place.

⁴⁶Moreover he that goeth into the house all the while that it is shut up shall be unclean until the even.

⁴⁷And he that lieth in the house shall wash his clothes; and he that eateth in the house shall wash his clothes.

⁴⁸And if the priest shall come in, and look upon it, and, behold, the plague hath not spread in the house, after the house was plaistered: then the priest shall pronounce the house clean, because the plague is healed.

⁴⁹And he shall take to cleanse the house two birds, and cedar wood, and scarlet, and hyssop:

⁵⁰And he shall kill the one of the birds in an earthen vessel over running water:

⁵¹And he shall take the cedar wood, and the hyssop, and the scarlet, and the living bird, and dip them in the blood of the slain bird, and in the running water, and sprinkle the house seven times:

⁵²And he shall cleanse the house with the blood of the bird, and with the running water, and with the living bird, and with the cedar wood, and with the hyssop, and with the scarlet:

⁵³But he shall let go the living bird out of the city into the open fields, and make an atonement for the house: and it shall be clean.

⁵⁴This is the law for all manner of plague of leprosy, and scall,

⁵⁵And for the leprosy of a garment, and of a house,

⁵⁶And for a rising, and for a scab, and for a bright spot:

⁵⁷To teach when it is unclean, and when it is clean: this is the law of leprosy.

Exodus 31

Exodus 31

¹And the LORD spake unto Moses, saying,

²See, I have called by name Bezaleel the son of Uri, the son of Hur, of the tribe of Judah:

³And I have filled him with the spirit of God, in wisdom, and in understanding, and in knowledge, and in all manner of workmanship,

⁴To devise cunning works, to work in gold, and in silver, and in brass,

⁵And in cutting of stones, to set them, and in carving of timber, to work in all manner of workmanship.

Didn't he outlaw all these things in the 10 commandments, just before he had people break the commandment by making the ark ?

⁶And I, behold, I have given with him Aholiab, the son of Ahisamach, of the tribe of Dan: and in the hearts of all that are wise hearted I have put wisdom, that they may make all that I have commanded thee;

⁷The tabernacle of the congregation, and the ark of the testimony, and the mercy seat that is thereupon, and all the furniture of the tabernacle,

⁸And the table and his furniture, and the pure candlestick with all his furniture, and the altar of incense,

⁹And the altar of burnt offering with all his furniture, and the laver and his foot,

¹⁰And the cloths of service, and the holy garments for Aaron the priest, and the garments of his sons, to minister in the priest's office,

¹¹And the anointing oil, and sweet incense for the holy place: according to all that I have commanded thee shall they do.

Obsessing about his furniture and perfume........... No, not gay at all !

¹²And the LORD spake unto Moses, saying,

¹³Speak thou also unto the children of Israel, saying, Verily my sabbaths ye shall keep: for it is a sign between me and you throughout your generations; that ye may know that I am the LORD that doth sanctify you.

¹⁴Ye shall keep the sabbath therefore; for it is holy unto you: every one that defileth it shall surely be put to death: for whosoever doeth any work therein, that soul shall be cut off from among his people.

You got that!

All of us that have to work on the sabbath are fucked, all utility and service industries, fucked. Farmworkers,Doctors ,Nurses. For that matter Who doesn't work saturdays sometimes ? I am all for having a day or two off work a week but it shows a lack of the alleged foresight to stamp it down on a certain day of the week.

¹⁵Six days may work be done; but in the seventh is the sabbath of rest, holy to the LORD: whosoever doeth any work in the sabbath day, he shall surely be put to death.

C,mon then which of you god botherin bastards wants to come and take me out.

¹⁶Wherefore the children of Israel shall keep the sabbath, to observe the sabbath throughout their generations, for a perpetual covenant.

We all know how jewellers are always shut on saturdays.

¹⁷It is a sign between me and the children of Israel for ever: for in six days the LORD made heaven and earth, and on the seventh day he rested, and was refreshed.

He was refreshed by his mum bringing him his dinner.Shame he made such a stupid law........... he could've gone down the pub.

¹⁸And he gave unto Moses, when he had made an end of communing with him upon mount Sinai, two tables of testimony, tables of stone, written with the finger of God.

Genesis 22

Genesis 22

¹And it came to pass after these things, that God did tempt Abraham, and said unto him, Abraham: and he said, Behold, here I am.

God's still trying the cheerleader manifestation.

²And he said, Take now thy son, thine only son Isaac, whom thou lovest, and get thee into the land of Moriah; and offer him there for a burnt offering upon one of the mountains which I will tell thee of.
Would the thought of Almighty sex with the Almighty coerce you into murdering the son you have tortured yourself wanting for the last 80 or so years,and does the fact that Ishmael is elsewhere stop him being Abraham's older son.
³And Abraham rose up early in the morning, and saddled his ass, and took two of his young men with him, and Isaac his son, and clave the wood for the burnt offering, and rose up, and went unto the place of which God had told him.
⁴Then on the third day Abraham lifted up his eyes, and saw the place afar off.
This story seems to be filled with elements from another more familiar story.
Three days, Loving father Sacrificing his only begotten son.
⁵And Abraham said unto his young men, Abide ye here with the ass; and I and the lad will go yonder and worship, and come again to you.
⁶And Abraham took the wood of the burnt offering, and laid it upon Isaac his son; and he took the fire in his hand, and a knife; and they went both of them together.
⁷And Isaac spake unto Abraham his father, and said, My father: and he said, Here am I, my son. And he said, Behold the fire and the wood: but where is the lamb for a burnt offering?

How old is Isaac ?

⁸And Abraham said, My son, God will provide himself a lamb for a burnt offering: so they went both of them together.
Is not Burning children something associated with worship of the God Baal ?
⁹And they came to the place which God had told him of; and Abraham built an altar there, and laid the wood in order, and bound Isaac his son, and laid him on the altar upon the wood.

Did IKEA do flatpack alter's back then ?
¹⁰And Abraham stretched forth his hand, and took the knife to slay his son.

Just like the cliff hanger at the end of an episode of Batman.

¹¹And the angel of the LORD called unto him out of heaven, and said, Abraham, Abraham: and he said, Here am I.

So the Angel's that rescued lot had to have their arses saved by the sacrifice of lots virgin daughters virginity and this one just pop's his head over a cloud.

Continuity people continuity.
¹²And he said, Lay not thine hand upon the lad, neither do thou any thing unto him: for now I know that thou fearest God, seeing thou hast not withheld thy son, thine only son from me.

Seems alot of bother to go through as we are told God can see all we think and do.

How long after the creation are we now ? Still waiting for omniscience.

¹³And Abraham lifted up his eyes, and looked, and behold behind him a ram caught in a thicket by his horns: and Abraham went and took the ram, and offered him up for a burnt offering in the stead of his son.

At least God didn't have to do with something that tasted like pork.

¹⁴And Abraham called the name of that place Jehovahjireh: as it is said to this day, In the mount of the LORD it shall be seen.
¹⁵And the angel of the LORD called unto Abraham out of heaven the second time,
¹⁶And said, By myself have I sworn, saith the LORD, for because thou hast done this thing, and hast not withheld thy son, thine only son:
¹⁷That in blessing I will bless thee, and in multiplying I will multiply thy seed as the stars of the heaven, and as the sand which is upon the sea shore; and thy seed shall possess the gate of his enemies;

Has not this promise in essence already been made ? and I don.t think the earth is big enough to contain as many people as there are stars. God telling lies surely not again.

¹⁸And in thy seed shall all the nations of the earth be blessed; because thou hast obeyed my voice.
¹⁹So Abraham returned unto his young men, and they rose up and went together to Beersheba; and Abraham dwelt at Beersheba.
²⁰And it came to pass after these things, that it was told Abraham, saying, Behold, Milcah, she hath also born children unto thy brother Nahor;
²¹Huz his firstborn, and Buz his brother, and Kemuel the father of Aram,
²²And Chesed, and Hazo, and Pildash, and Jidlaph, and Bethuel.
²³And Bethuel begat Rebekah: these eight Milcah did bear to Nahor, Abraham's brother.²⁴And his concubine, whose name was Reumah, she bare also Tebah, and Gaham, and Thahash, and Maachah.

I thought we were concerned with Abraham's descendants not his nephews and nieces.

Genesis 20

Genesis 20

¹And Abraham journeyed from thence toward the south country, and dwelled between Kadesh and Shur, and sojourned in Gerar.
On the move again ?
²And Abraham said of Sarah his wife, She is my sister: and Abimelech king of Gerar sent, and took Sarah.
C'mon people the same old scam as they used in Egypt all those years ago. Isee now why god didn't create optometrists back when Adam was a lad but had old Abimelech got no sense of smell ? Sarah must have hummed more than a pension queue in july. She's over 90 now any evil bunnies have long since turned to dust bunnies. Look granny sex is not something anyone needs to know about, it may not be wrong but please keep it out of my head, I don't want to know. OK. Jeez have you seen Kingpin.... yuch!
³But God came to Abimelech in a dream by night, and said to him, Behold, thou art but a dead man, for the woman which thou hast taken; for she is a man's wife. ⁴But Abimelech had not come near her: and he said, LORD, wilt thou slay also a righteous nation?
I am sooo pleased.
⁵Said he not unto me, She is my sister? and she, even she herself said, He is my brother: in the integrity of my heart and innocency of my hands have I done this. God has got to admit they probably had more wrinkles than a camels scrotum ⁶And God said unto him in a dream, Yea, I know that thou didst this in the integrity of thy heart; for I also withheld thee from sinning against me: therefore suffered I thee not to touch her.
I'll bet Abimelech was thinking you believe what you want theres no way I was going anywhere near her man she wuz ugly.
⁷Now therefore restore the man his wife; for he is a prophet, and he shall pray for thee, and thou shalt live: and if thou restore her not, know thou that thou shalt surely die, thou, and all that are thine. ⁸Therefore Abimelech rose early in the morning, and called all his servants, and told all these things in their ears: and the men were sore afraid. ⁹Then Abimelech called Abraham, and said unto him, What hast thou done unto us? and what have I offended thee, that thou hast brought on me and on my kingdom a great sin? thou hast done deeds unto me that ought not to be done. ¹⁰And Abimelech said unto Abraham, What sawest thou, that thou hast done this thing? ¹¹And Abraham said, Because I thought, Surely the fear of God is not in this place; and they will slay me for my wife's sake.
Nah! He said Fuck man she might be my wife but I've had to sleep with it for over 80 years all I wanted was for a change to wake in a sweet smelling bed .
¹²And yet indeed she is my sister; she is the daughter of my father, but not the daughter of my mother; and she became my wife.
It get's worse fuck it's right they haven't bred.
¹³And it came to pass, when God caused me to wander from my father's house, that I said unto her, This is thy kindness which thou shalt shew unto me; at every place whither we shall come, say of me, He is my brother.
¹⁴And Abimelech took sheep, and oxen, and menservants, and womenservants, and gave them unto Abraham, and restored him Sarah his wife.
Scam worked then!
¹⁵And Abimelech said, Behold, my land is before thee: dwell where it pleaseth thee.
¹⁶And unto Sarah he said, Behold, I have given thy brother a thousand pieces of silver: behold, he is to thee a covering of the eyes, unto all that are with thee, and with all other: thus she was reproved.
What ?He's given her a bag to put over her head for future victims.
¹⁷So Abraham prayed unto God: and God healed Abimelech, and his wife, and his maidservants; and they bare children.
¹⁸For the LORD had fast closed up all the wombs of the house of Abimelech, because of Sarah Abraham's wife.
So still no sign whatsoever of this so called omniscience. When does that happen?

Genesis 8

¹And God remembered Noah, and every living thing, and all the cattle that was with him in the ark: and God made a wind to pass over the earth, and the waters assuaged;
God forgot Noah ? You would think from his publicity that he was above things like absent mindedness. Mind you that must have been one hell of a fart.
²The fountains also of the deep and the windows of heaven were stopped, and the rain from heaven was restrained;
³And the waters returned from off the earth continually: and after the end of the hundred and fifty days the waters were abated.
⁴And the ark rested in the seventh month, on the seventeenth day of the month, upon the mountains of Ararat.
⁵And the waters decreased continually until the tenth month: in the tenth month, on the first day of the month, were the tops of the mountains seen.
⁶And it came to pass at the end of forty days, that Noah opened the window of the ark which he had made:
I wonder If the stench of the ark prepared them for the fug of our fathers fart. One does wonder that in a watertight environment with all those millions of occupants how .
1. They didn't suffocate.
2.They could see.
⁷And he sent forth a raven, which went forth to and fro, until the waters were dried up from off the earth.
⁸Also he sent forth a dove from him, to see if the waters were abated from off the face of the ground;
⁹But the dove found no rest for the sole of her foot, and she returned unto him into the ark, for the waters were on the face of the whole earth: then he put forth his hand, and took her, and pulled her in unto him into the ark.
Doves and pigeons are known for their "homing " abilities whereas Ravens are not that is assuming it survived IF it was a worldwide flood.
¹⁰And he stayed yet other seven days; and again he sent forth the dove out of the ark;
¹¹And the dove came in to him in the evening; and, lo, in her mouth was an olive leaf pluckt off: so Noah knew that the waters were abated from off the earth.
Must have been either a fast growing or highly resilient olive tree .
¹²And he stayed yet other seven days; and sent forth the dove; which returned not again unto him any more.
¹³And it came to pass in the six hundredth and first year, in the first month, the first day of the month, the waters were dried up from off the earth: and Noah removed the covering of the ark, and looked, and, behold, the face of the ground was dry.
¹⁴And in the second month, on the seven and twentieth day of the month, was the earth dried.
¹⁵And God spake unto Noah, saying,
¹⁶Go forth of the ark, thou, and thy wife, and thy sons, and thy sons' wives with thee.
¹⁷Bring forth with thee every living thing that is with thee, of all flesh, both of fowl, and of cattle, and of every creeping thing that creepeth upon the earth; that they may breed abundantly in the earth, and be fruitful, and multiply upon the earth.
¹⁸And Noah went forth, and his sons, and his wife, and his sons' wives with him:
¹⁹Every beast, every creeping thing, and every fowl, and whatsoever creepeth upon the earth, after their kinds, went forth out of the ark.
²⁰And Noah builded an altar unto the LORD; and took of every clean beast, and of every clean fowl, and offered burnt offerings on the altar.
So after going through months struggling to keep all these things alive, He sacrifices them to the arrogant, absent minded, spiteful twat that has killed all his freinds, destroyed his home, made him his wife and children breath the fetid, fecal, fug in a dark cramped enviorement.
²¹And the LORD smelled a sweet savour; and the LORD said in his heart, I will not again curse the ground any more for man's sake; for the imagination of man's heart is evil from his youth; neither will I again smite any more every thing living, as I have done.
²²While the earth remaineth, seedtime and harvest, and cold and heat, and summer and winter, and day and night shall not cease.
So let's recap
There's this enormous omniscient, omnipotent, omnipresent sky dude who existed before anything was anything.One day before there were days he got bored. So for his own entertainment he.....
1. Creates the universe, Light and dark.
2.Creates the earth , seas and all life on earth.
3.Creates the sun, forgets he has already created man and woman and creates another man. Who is wrongly referred to from now on as the first man. Using this man's newly created naievety, god forces this man to tend a garden, for nothing apart from a restricted diet. He then clones the gardener and performs a sex change on the clone.
4.Gives this newly formed clone for some reason an inability to follow orders, an urge to talk instead of a need to communicate and a shape that makes the man think with a different organ than the brain.
5.Is unaware that another of his creations is undermining his orders.
6.Cannot find the man and his clone.
7.Loses his temper when they follow the instincts he designed.
8.Shows favouritism, and again misses what one or two of a handful of people are doing.
9.Gets upset centuries later because people are not doing what he wanted.
10.Didn't see any of this coming.
11. Consistently blamed man for all of his own fuck ups.
Conclusion

At this time although he was powerful to create the earth and all living things his alleged foresight is strangely lacking otherwise he may have realized he would have been better off creating optometrists, massage parlours and prozac first.
There is much of God in all of humanity, not much humanity in God.

Genisis 6

¹And it came to pass, when men began to multiply on the face of the earth, and daughters were born unto them,
I could point out that the "men" are the ones breeding but men has to mean humans so no more gay jokes.
²That the sons of God saw the daughters of men that they were fair; and they took them wives of all which they chose.
Umm! God had sons? They don't teach us that one. Does that not imply
1. There is at least one Mrs God.
2.Therefore Goddess(es)
3.There must be more Gods even if they are his sons
4. I know we havn't got anywhere near the new testement yet but is there not a line that says something about Gods only Begotten son?
³And the LORD said, My spirit shall not always strive with man, for that he also is flesh: yet his days shall be an hundred and twenty years.
So God IS Flesh
⁴There were giants in the earth in those days; and also after that, when the sons of God came in unto the daughters of men, and they bare children to them, the same became mighty men which were of old, men of renown.
Fair enough mongrels are genetically superior to pedigrees
⁵And God saw that the wickedness of man was great in the earth, and that every imagination of the thoughts of his heart was only evil continually.
⁶And it repented the LORD that he had made man on the earth, and it grieved him at his heart.
That omniscience is really not what it's made out to be is it
⁷And the LORD said, I will destroy man whom I have created from the face of the earth; both man, and beast, and the creeping thing, and the fowls of the air; for it repenteth me that I have made them.
Beware the evil Bunny his fluffyness will cause you to kill and rape and eat chocolate eggs to celebrate the third full moon following the winter solstice
⁸But Noah found grace in the eyes of the LORD.
"Grace get out of gods eyes......bad dog"
⁹These are the generations of Noah: Noah was a just man and perfect in his generations, and Noah walked with God.
¹⁰And Noah begat three sons, Shem, Ham, and Japheth.
From God?
¹¹The earth also was corrupt before God, and the earth was filled with violence.
¹²And God looked upon the earth, and, behold, it was corrupt; for all flesh had corrupted his way upon the earth.
¹³And God said unto Noah, The end of all flesh is come before me; for the earth is filled with violence through them; and, behold, I will destroy them with the earth.

This is a bit extreme to say the least, Ive had shit in my eye and it hurts and having a whole dog in your eye has to be far from pleasant. Kick the dog zap it with lightning understandable but drowning mr and mrs cheesemaker over in basingstoke , not their dog not their doing ¹⁴Make thee an ark of gopher wood; rooms shalt thou make in the ark, and shalt pitch it within and without with pitch.
¹⁵And this is the fashion which thou shalt make it of: The length of the ark shall be three hundred cubits, the breadth of it fifty cubits, and the height of it thirty cubits.
¹⁶A window shalt thou make to the ark, and in a cubit shalt thou finish it above; and the door of the ark shalt thou set in the side thereof; with lower, second, and third stories shalt thou make it.
¹⁷And, behold, I, even I, do bring a flood of waters upon the earth, to destroy all flesh, wherein is the breath of life, from under heaven; and every thing that is in the earth shall die.
¹⁸But with thee will I establish my covenant; and thou shalt come into the ark, thou, and thy sons, and thy wife, and thy sons' wives with thee.
¹⁹And of every living thing of all flesh, two of every sort shalt thou bring into the ark, to keep them alive with thee; they shall be male and female.
I will concede that in the bronze age that was a big boat . But seriously Ithink it would be a tight squeeze to get all species of bugs let alone elephants and giraffes.
What about food never mind what food becomes after going through animals.And no matter how you try the animals are not going to form an orderly queue to crap over the side. One window one cubit square how is anything going to breathe ?
^20.Of fowls after their kind, and of cattle after their kind, of every creeping thing of the earth after his kind, two of every sort shall come unto thee, to keep them alive.
²¹And take thou unto thee of all food that is eaten, and thou shalt gather it to thee; and it shall be for food for thee, and for them.²²Thus did Noah; according to all that God commanded him, so did he.

Genesis 4

¹And Adam knew Eve his wife; and she conceived, and bare Cain, and said, I have gotten a man from the LORD.
So Who was the father Adam or god?
²And she again bare his brother Abel. And Abel was a keeper of sheep, but Cain was a tiller of the ground.
The implication here is her children were born adults ????
So Eves Minge that god made must have looked like a hippo's yawn.
³And in process of time it came to pass, that Cain brought of the fruit of the ground an offering unto the LORD.
⁴And Abel, he also brought of the firstlings of his flock and of the fat thereof. And the LORD had respect unto Abel and to his offering:
This early "god is showing his true colours. There's Cain working his arse off, tilling, seeding, weeding and harvesting. Able lazing around watching sheep chew the cud, and who does he favour?
⁵But unto Cain and to his offering he had not respect. And Cain was very wroth, and his countenance fell.
⁶And the LORD said unto Cain, Why art thou wroth? and why is thy countenance fallen?
Again gods alledged omniscience conspicuous by it's abscence.
⁷If thou doest well, shalt thou not be accepted? and if thou doest not well, sin lieth at the door. And unto thee shall be his desire, and thou shalt rule over him.
You can understand him being pissed off lets face it this is possibly the first example of a prejudice that is still rife today.
⁸And Cain talked with Abel his brother: and it came to pass, when they were in the field, that Cain rose up against Abel his brother, and slew him.
I can't help thinking that the original moral of this tale was intended to try and prevent this kind of unfairness in the work enviroment.
⁹And the LORD said unto Cain, Where is Abel thy brother? And he said, I know not: Am I my brother's keeper?
¹⁰And he said, What hast thou done? the voice of thy brother's blood crieth unto me from the ground.
¹¹And now art thou cursed from the earth, which hath opened her mouth to receive thy brother's blood from thy hand;
¹²When thou tillest the ground, it shall not henceforth yield unto thee her strength; a fugitive and a vagabond shalt thou be in the earth.
¹³And Cain said unto the LORD, My punishment is greater than I can bear.
¹⁴Behold, thou hast driven me out this day from the face of the earth; and from thy face shall I be hid; and I shall be a fugitive and a vagabond in the earth; and it shall come to pass, that every one that findeth me shall slay me.
¹⁵And the LORD said unto him, Therefore whosoever slayeth Cain, vengeance shall be taken on him sevenfold. And the LORD set a mark upon Cain, lest any finding him should kill him.
Wait a minute! Who is there to kill him ?
¹⁶And Cain went out from the presence of the LORD, and dwelt in the land of Nod, on the east of Eden.
So now god is not omniprescient either.
¹⁷And Cain knew his wife; and she conceived, and bare Enoch: and he builded a city, and called the name of the city, after the name of his son, Enoch.
Wife? Where are all these other people appearing from all of a sudden ?and how does one man build a city, a hamlet or maybe a very small village I can believe, but a city.!
¹⁸And unto Enoch was born Irad: and Irad begat Mehujael: and Mehujael begat Methusael: and Methusael begat Lamech.
Just an observation but....No mention of women here.
¹⁹And Lamech took unto him two wives: the name of the one was Adah, and the name of the other Zillah.
²⁰And Adah bare Jabal: he was the father of such as dwell in tents, and of such as have cattle.
²¹And his brother's name was Jubal: he was the father of all such as handle the harp and organ.
²²And Zillah, she also bare Tubalcain, an instructer of every artificer in brass and iron: and the sister of Tubalcain was Naamah.
²³And Lamech said unto his wives, Adah and Zillah, Hear my voice; ye wives of Lamech, hearken unto my speech: for I have slain a man to my wounding, and a young man to my hurt.
²⁴If Cain shall be avenged sevenfold, truly Lamech seventy and sevenfold.
²⁵And Adam knew his wife again; and she bare a son, and called his name Seth: For God, said she, hath appointed me another seed instead of Abel, whom Cain slew.²⁶And to Seth, to him also there was born a son; and he called his name Enos: then began men to call upon the name of the LORD.

What a talented family, mastering all these diverse talents but no mention of the brewer's of beer , the vintners, coopers or potterswhich must have existed because the narrator of these last few verses must have been very drunk.

Genesis 3

[1] Now the serpent was more subtil than any beast of the field which the LORD God had made.

Amazing how not having hooves or a loud bark aids subtlety

And he said unto the woman, Yea, hath God said, Ye shall not eat of every tree of the garden?
[2] And the woman said unto the serpent, We may eat of the fruit of the trees of the garden:
[3] But of the fruit of the tree which is in the midst of the garden, God hath said, Ye shall not eat of it, neither shall ye touch it, lest ye die.
[4] And the serpent said unto the woman, Ye shall not surely die:
[5] For God doth know that in the day ye eat thereof, then your eyes shall be opened, and ye shall be as gods, knowing good and evil.
[6] And when the woman saw that the tree was good for food, and that it was pleasant to the eyes, and a tree to be desired to make one wise, she took of the fruit thereof, and did eat, and gave also unto her husband with her; and he did eat.

I thought this was the "original sin" but think about it "Steve" was now alledgedly a woman.More than most "as god made her" and as with women today, nosey , disobedient and untrusting but sometimes easily lead. Really she could not have done anything else.

[7] And the eyes of them both were opened, and they knew that they were naked; and they sewed fig leaves together, and made themselves aprons.
[8] And they heard the voice of the LORD God walking in the garden in the cool of the day: and Adam and his wife hid themselves from the presence of the LORD God amongst the trees of the garden.
[9] And the LORD God called unto Adam, and said unto him, Where art thou?

Was god not omniscient back then?

[10] And he said, I heard thy voice in the garden, and I was afraid, because I was naked; and I hid myself.
[11] And he said, Who told thee that thou wast naked? Hast thou eaten of the tree, whereof I commanded thee that thou shouldest not eat?

Again was god not omniscient back then?

[12] And the man said, The woman whom thou gavest to be with me, she gave me of the tree, and I did eat.

And the man following his true nature blames the woman.

[13] And the LORD God said unto the woman, What is this that thou hast done? And the woman said, The serpent beguiled me, and I did eat.

In case you have ever wondered proof she was blonde. Who else would come out with a Talking Snake told me to do it, excuse?

[14] And the LORD God said unto the serpent, Because thou hast done this, thou art cursed above all cattle, and above every beast of the field; upon thy belly shalt thou go, and dust shalt thou eat all the days of thy life:

Would I be wrong in thinking many snakes live in or at least spend alot of time in trees[15] And I will put enmity between thee and the woman, and between thy seed and her seed; it shall bruise thy head, and thou shalt bruise his heel.
[16] Unto the woman he said, I will greatly multiply thy sorrow and thy conception; in sorrow thou shalt bring forth children; and thy desire shall be to thy husband, and he shall rule over thee.
[17] And unto Adam he said, Because thou hast hearkened unto the voice of thy wife, and hast eaten of the tree, of which I commanded thee, saying, Thou shalt not eat of it: cursed is the ground for thy sake; in sorrow shalt thou eat of it all the days of thy life;

Is this saying the tree of lifes forbidden fruit becomes a staple?

18] Thorns also and thistles shall it bring forth to thee; and thou shalt eat the herb of the field;
[19] In the sweat of thy face shalt thou eat bread, till thou return unto the ground; for out of it wast thou taken: for dust thou art, and unto dust shalt thou return.
[20] And Adam called his wife's name Eve; because she was the mother of all living.
[21] Unto Adam also and to his wife did the LORD God make coats of skins, and clothed them.

Just a quick question We have already discovered human nature plays a big part in this story.But we have to assume it happened within 9 months of (st)eves creation as there are no kids.Are ther any good parents out there which would expect a child with less than 9 months experience to be severly punished for eating something they had been told not to.Are ther any good parents out there that would allow aforesaid child the circumstances to achieve this ?

[22] And the LORD God said, Behold, the man is become as one of us, to know good and evil: and now, lest he put forth his hand, and take also of the tree of life, and eat, and live for ever:
[23] Therefore the LORD God sent him forth from the garden of Eden, to till the ground from whence he was taken.
[24] So he drove out the man; and he placed at the east of the garden of Eden Cherubims, and a flaming sword which turned every way, to keep the way of the tree of life.