1 Samuel 17

 ¹Now the Philistines gathered together their armies to battle, and were gathered together at Shochoh, which belongeth to Judah, and pitched between Shochoh and Azekah, in Ephesdammim.
 ²And Saul and the men of Israel were gathered together, and pitched by the valley of Elah, and set the battle in array against the Philistines.

Saul??
Saul is leading the Israelite army.........did de lard not order his impeachment? Of course this has nothing to do with the breakup of Sam and Saul. And don't forget how this underlines the power   impotence of de lard.  
 
 ³And the Philistines stood on a mountain on the one side, and Israel stood on a mountain on the other side: and there was a valley between them.
 ⁴And there went out a champion out of the camp of the Philistines, named Goliath, of Gath, whose height was six cubits and a span.

Six cubits and a span? A cubit at the time was somewhere around 18-20 inches and I assume a span is a hands width so Goliath is apparently just over 3 metres or 10-11 feet tall in english money, here we go againa possible fact exagerated out of all proportion till it just becomes ridiculous.
 Even if he was wearing stilletto's with twelve inch heels and stood on a box he would still be too short
Is this where we get the phrase  "tell a tall story", from

 ⁵And he had an helmet of brass upon his head, and he was armed with a coat of mail; and the weight of the coat was five thousand shekels of brass.
 ⁶And he had greaves of brass upon his legs, and a target of brass between his shoulders.
 ⁷And the staff of his spear was like a weaver's beam; and his spear's head weighed six hundred shekels of iron: and one bearing a shield went before him.

Okay, okay he was a big strong man,his butchness outclassed the butchest man in butch land.
 
 ⁸And he stood and cried unto the armies of Israel, and said unto them, Why are ye come out to set your battle in array? am not I a Philistine, and ye servants to Saul? choose you a man for you, and let him come down to me.
 ⁹If he be able to fight with me, and to kill me, then will we be your servants: but if I prevail against him, and kill him, then shall ye be our servants, and serve us.
 ¹⁰And the Philistine said, I defy the armies of Israel this day; give me a man, that we may fight together.
 ¹¹When Saul and all Israel heard those words of the Philistine, they were dismayed, and greatly afraid.
 ¹²Now David was the son of that Ephrathite of Bethlehemjudah, whose name was Jesse; and he had eight sons: and the man went among men for an old man in the days of Saul.
 ¹³And the three eldest sons of Jesse went and followed Saul to the battle: and the names of his three sons that went to the battle were Eliab the firstborn, and next unto him Abinadab, and the third Shammah.
 ¹⁴And David was the youngest: and the three eldest followed Saul.
 ¹⁵But David went and returned from Saul to feed his father's sheep at Bethlehem.
 ¹⁶And the Philistine drew near morning and evening, and presented himself forty days.
 ¹⁷And Jesse said unto David his son, Take now for thy brethren an ephah of this parched corn, and these ten loaves, and run to the camp of thy brethren;
 ¹⁸And carry these ten cheeses unto the captain of their thousand, and look how thy brethren fare, and take their pledge.
 ¹⁹Now Saul, and they, and all the men of Israel, were in the valley of Elah, fighting with the Philistines.
 ²⁰And David rose up early in the morning, and left the sheep with a keeper, and took, and went, as Jesse had commanded him; and he came to the trench, as the host was going forth to the fight, and shouted for the battle.
 ²¹For Israel and the Philistines had put the battle in array, army against army.
 ²²And David left his carriage in the hand of the keeper of the carriage, and ran into the army, and came and saluted his brethren.
 ²³And as he talked with them, behold, there came up the champion, the Philistine of Gath, Goliath by name, out of the armies of the Philistines, and spake according to the same words: and David heard them.
 ²⁴And all the men of Israel, when they saw the man, fled from him, and were sore afraid. 

These brave men of Israel, always ready to go into a defeated city and murder the elderly,the male and the young, sometimes raping and or murdering and or enslaving the young virgin girls. But faced with on oversized, armed man they shit themselves.


 ²⁵And the men of Israel said, Have ye seen this man that is come up? surely to defy Israel is he come up: and it shall be, that the man who killeth him, the king will enrich him with great riches, and will give him his daughter, and make his father's house free in Israel.
 ²⁶And David spake to the men that stood by him, saying, What shall be done to the man that killeth this Philistine, and taketh away the reproach from Israel? for who is this uncircumcised Philistine, that he should defy the armies of the living God?
 ²⁷And the people answered him after this manner, saying, So shall it be done to the man that killeth him.
 ²⁸And Eliab his eldest brother heard when he spake unto the men; and Eliab's anger was kindled against David, and he said, Why camest thou down hither? and with whom hast thou left those few sheep in the wilderness? I know thy pride, and the naughtiness of thine heart; for thou art come down that thou mightest see the battle.

A glimmer of reality....two brothers bitching at each other.
 
 ²⁹And David said, What have I now done? Is there not a cause?
 ³⁰And he turned from him toward another, and spake after the same manner: and the people answered him again after the former manner.
 ³¹And when the words were heard which David spake, they rehearsed them before Saul: and he sent for him.
 ³²And David said to Saul, Let no man's heart fail because of him; thy servant will go and fight with this Philistine.
 ³³And Saul said to David, Thou art not able to go against this Philistine to fight with him: for thou art but a youth, and he a man of war from his youth.
 ³⁴And David said unto Saul, Thy servant kept his father's sheep, and there came a lion, and a bear, and took a lamb out of the flock:

A sheep was taken by a lion, AND a bear!Wow!............If two vicious and powerful predators can work together perhaps there is hope for the human race. Or on the other hand it could be complete bollocks.
 
 ³⁵And I went out after him, and smote him, and delivered it out of his mouth: and when he arose against me, I caught him by his beard, and smote him, and slew him.

Caught him by his beard, hmmm.......Young man, hungry lion, close contact, I am really not convinced.

 ³⁶Thy servant slew both the lion and the bear: and this uncircumcised Philistine shall be as one of them, seeing he hath defied the armies of the living God.

Defiled? That implies some unsolicited sodomy at least, not just a little light taunting.
 
 ³⁷David said moreover, The LORD that delivered me out of the paw of the lion, and out of the paw of the bear, he will deliver me out of the hand of this Philistine. And Saul said unto David, Go, and the LORD be with thee. 

So the deal is a one against one fight to the death for total win, total surrender. Knowing this Saul entrusts this to a young lad, a lad so young in fact, he still thinks playing with his sling, is more rewarding than playing with his penis,

 ³⁸And Saul armed David with his armour, and he put an helmet of brass upon his head; also he armed him with a coat of mail.
 ³⁹And David girded his sword upon his armour, and he assayed to go; for he had not proved it. And David said unto Saul, I cannot go with these; for I have not proved them. And David put them off him.
 ⁴⁰And he took his staff in his hand, and chose him five smooth stones out of the brook, and put them in a shepherd's bag which he had, even in a scrip; and his sling was in his hand: and he drew near to the Philistine.
 ⁴¹And the Philistine came on and drew near unto David; and the man that bare the shield went before him.
 ⁴²And when the Philistine looked about, and saw David, he disdained him: for he was but a youth, and ruddy, and of a fair countenance.
 ⁴³And the Philistine said unto David, Am I a dog, that thou comest to me with staves? And the Philistine cursed David by his gods.
 ⁴⁴And the Philistine said to David, Come to me, and I will give thy flesh unto the fowls of the air, and to the beasts of the field.
 ⁴⁵Then said David to the Philistine, Thou comest to me with a sword, and with a spear, and with a shield: but I come to thee in the name of the LORD of hosts, the God of the armies of Israel, whom thou hast defied.

Are we really sure David was an Israelite, maybe it is just the folly of youth, but he seems to show culturally uncharachteristic bravery.

 ⁴⁶This day will the LORD deliver thee into mine hand; and I will smite thee, and take thine head from thee; and I will give the carcases of the host of the Philistines this day unto the fowls of the air, and to the wild beasts of the earth; that all the earth may know that there is a God in Israel.
 ⁴⁷And all this assembly shall know that the LORD saveth not with sword and spear: for the battle is the LORD's, and he will give you into our hands.
 ⁴⁸And it came to pass, when the Philistine arose, and came, and drew nigh to meet David, that David hastened, and ran toward the army to meet the Philistine.
 ⁴⁹And David put his hand in his bag, and took thence a stone, and slang it, and smote the Philistine in his forehead, that the stone sunk into his forehead; and he fell upon his face to the earth.
 ⁵⁰So David prevailed over the Philistine with a sling and with a stone, and smote the Philistine, and slew him; but there was no sword in the hand of David.
 ⁵¹Therefore David ran, and stood upon the Philistine, and took his sword, and drew it out of the sheath thereof, and slew him, and cut off his head therewith. And when the Philistines saw their champion was dead, they fled.

Maybe he is an Israelite after all, slaying an unconscious enemy is what we have come to expect.
 
 ⁵²And the men of Israel and of Judah arose, and shouted, and pursued the Philistines, until thou come to the valley, and to the gates of Ekron. And the wounded of the Philistines fell down by the way to Shaaraim, even unto Gath, and unto Ekron.

Again the Israelites show themselves not to be trusted.
 
 ⁵³And the children of Israel returned from chasing after the Philistines, and they spoiled their tents.
 ⁵⁴And David took the head of the Philistine, and brought it to Jerusalem; but he put his armour in his tent.
 ⁵⁵And when Saul saw David go forth against the Philistine, he said unto Abner, the captain of the host, Abner, whose son is this youth? And Abner said, As thy soul liveth, O king, I cannot tell.
 ⁵⁶And the king said, Enquire thou whose son the stripling is.
 ⁵⁷And as David returned from the slaughter of the Philistine, Abner took him, and brought him before Saul with the head of the Philistine in his hand.
 ⁵⁸And Saul said to him, Whose son art thou, thou young man? And David answered, I am the son of thy servant Jesse the Bethlehemite.

Judges 13

¹And the children of Israel did evil again in the sight of the LORD; and the LORD delivered them into the hand of the Philistines forty years.

²And there was a certain man of Zorah, of the family of the Danites, whose name was Manoah; and his wife was barren, and bare not.

After all ,it would be totally inconceivable(no pun intended) that Manoah was sexually dysfunctional in any way. Or even the merest suggestion that he might bat for the other side.

³And the angel of the LORD appeared unto the woman, and said unto her, Behold now, thou art barren, and bearest not: but thou shalt conceive, and bear a son.

⁴Now therefore beware, I pray thee, and drink not wine nor strong drink, and eat not any unclean thing:

⁵For, lo, thou shalt conceive, and bear a son; and no razor shall come on his head: for the child shall be a Nazarite unto God from the womb: and he shall begin to deliver Israel out of the hand of the Philistines.

⁶Then the woman came and told her husband, saying, A man of God came unto me, and his countenance was like the countenance of an angel of God, very terrible: but I asked him not whence he was, neither told he me his name:

A likely story.........Any divorce lawyer today would be jumping up and down with glee.

⁷But he said unto me, Behold, thou shalt conceive, and bear a son; and now drink no wine nor strong drink, neither eat any unclean thing: for the child shall be a Nazarite to God from the womb to the day of his death.

⁸Then Manoah intreated the LORD, and said, O my Lord, let the man of God which thou didst send come again unto us, and teach us what we shall do unto the child that shall be born.

⁹And God hearkened to the voice of Manoah; and the angel of God came again unto the woman as she sat in the field: but Manoah her husband was not with her.

¹⁰And the woman made haste, and ran, and shewed her husband, and said unto him, Behold, the man hath appeared unto me, that came unto me the other day.

This reads to me like a tale of cuckolding. We have a sexually dysfunctional male and a woman that needs, wants, and so it seems gets a damn good seeing to.

¹¹And Manoah arose, and went after his wife, and came to the man, and said unto him, Art thou the man that spakest unto the woman? And he said, I am.

¹²And Manoah said, Now let thy words come to pass. How shall we order the child, and how shall we do unto him?

With fries and a side please!

¹³And the angel of the LORD said unto Manoah, Of all that I said unto the woman let her beware.

¹⁴She may not eat of any thing that cometh of the vine, neither let her drink wine or strong drink, nor eat any unclean thing: all that I commanded her let her observe.

Strange ! Seems to be a muslim attitude.

¹⁵And Manoah said unto the angel of the LORD, I pray thee, let us detain thee, until we shall have made ready a kid for thee.

¹⁶And the angel of the LORD said unto Manoah, Though thou detain me, I will not eat of thy bread: and if thou wilt offer a burnt offering, thou must offer it unto the LORD. For Manoah knew not that he was an angel of the LORD.

Perhaps the whole "please fuck my wife" scenario left a foul taste in his mouth.

¹⁷And Manoah said unto the angel of the LORD, What is thy name, that when thy sayings come to pass we may do thee honour?

¹⁸And the angel of the LORD said unto him, Why askest thou thus after my name, seeing it is secret?

Or like many modern singles networks(so I am told) he wanted to remain anonymous.

¹⁹So Manoah took a kid with a meat offering, and offered it upon a rock unto the LORD: and the angel did wonderously; and Manoah and his wife looked on.

I am sure that's another line that catholic priests misunderstand

²⁰For it came to pass, when the flame went up toward heaven from off the altar, that the angel of the LORD ascended in the flame of the altar. And Manoah and his wife looked on it, and fell on their faces to the ground.

So de lard beamed the kid and the lover up or did they just make it up so he could cover his impotence or homosexuality and she could cover that rosy glow of the "I've just had a damn good rogering"look

²¹But the angel of the LORD did no more appear to Manoah and to his wife. Then Manoah knew that he was an angel of the LORD.

So the passing stranger moved on....It would be totally wrong to suggest that "Manoah knew that he was an angel of the LORD. " Means in any way that Manoah in a fit of jealousy killed him

²²And Manoah said unto his wife, We shall surely die, because we have seen God.

Just as it would be to suggest that means in any way that Manoa sat watching and beating his strangely aroused member.

²³But his wife said unto him, If the LORD were pleased to kill us, he would not have received a burnt offering and a meat offering at our hands, neither would he have shewed us all these things, nor would as at this time have told us such things as these.

²⁴And the woman bare a son, and called his name Samson: and the child grew, and the LORD blessed him.

²⁵And the Spirit of the LORD began to move him at times in the camp of Dan between


I had not realised before how many elements in this conception myth are repeated in some other story I may have heard somewhere....


.................Maybe not the immaculate conception but by this account pretty damn good