1 Samuel Recap

 I actually enjoyed reading this book, although you wouldn't think so seeings how long it took.

So we start this book with the familiar tale of a barren woman,married to an old man. We know she is the infertile one in the relationship as there is another wife with children. There is no mention whether these children look more like “uncle Abu Ben Fucker” or their “father”

After “visiting” the local priest and his sons, the barren wife is found unconscious as if drunken and then the following day miraculously conceives as she does after every following annual visit.

The legitimate sons of Eli the priest are greedy and known for taking whatever they fancy.

Eli takes her first-born under his wing and teaches him the priestly duties as he did with his own sons.

As the years go by young Sam hears de lard whispering sweet nothings as he spends nights staying with his grandad mentor.

We then get into a war with the Philistines with a smattering of prophesy and fables thrown in to blame the pasting the Israelites get on Eli and his sons that are all dead after the battle. Eli died after falling off his chair.

During this battle the Philistines capture the fabled ark the Israelites are apparently more upset about losing their magic box than they are about losing their friends and relatives.

The Philistines are struck with piles, supposedly as a punishment from de lard. Strange how after proving himself by being a pain in their collective arses they do not bow down and worship him. The result of this, is for the Philistines utilising the foremost science and medicine of the time. Throw the ark, accompanied by some mice and haemorrhoids made of gold into a cart drawn by some ex heifer's, then release them. I wonder whether that's where the phrase “Having piles of gold come from.”

The cows take the Ark to the Levites who upon receipt of de lards box are rewarded by de lards gratitude with 50,000 dead.(20,000)more than those that died when they lost the Ark). We must however remember maths are not the scribes strong point.

Twenty years down the line Sam still has his invisible friend and decides the Israelites must stop worshipping Baalim(gods) and Ashteroth(Mrs de lard) To do this he calls all the Israelites together. The Philistines would have seized this opportunity to finish them off but Sam called up the power of de lard by butchering a lamb so de lard would scare them with a thunderstorm.

Sam is promoted to seer and sees himself as king, something the people do not want, strangely enough, de lard agrees with them.

Enter Saul from stage left. Saul is taken under Sam’s wing and chosen to be king. The relationship between Sam and Saul seems to be more than just friends. Even so Saul manages to father Johnathan.

Saul settles into his kingly role and starts to antagonize the Philistines the narrative seems to lose the plot and any grasp of mathematics when reporting skirmishes.

We then get into a couple of incidents that involve de omniscient one admitting to lack of fore sight and mistakes so repenting and changing his mind. Sam dies and Saul, either through grief or just being inept, becomes the crappiest crappy king in crapland.

We then have the David and Goliath tale quickly followed by Jonny and David getting friendly, very friendly. A relationship that Saul disapproves of so much he “gives” him his daughter as a wife. Yet demanding 100 Philistine foreskins as a payment. David killed 200 men to get these???

Saul was not happy with David’s success and wanted to kill him, Johnny made him promise that he would not. A promise as good as de lards, as he tried but David escaped.

He assembles a small band of men and roams Saul follows in two or one encounters David could have killed Saul and didn't. They then have two or one pow wows which ends with Saul admitting he was wrong and allowing David and his merry men to go on their way. They go to the land of the Philistines and get less shit of their”enemies” than they got from their kinsmen. In return he and his men became mercenaries for the philistines but without the philistines softer side.

Saul battles with the Philistines and johnny is killed.

Saul shows his cowardice bravery and lack of dignity by topping himself

To,sum it all up Power, Gay sex Power more gay sex with a shit load of death thrown in.

1 Samuel 31

   ¹Now the Philistines fought against Israel: and the men of Israel fled from before the Philistines, and fell down slain in mount Gilboa.
   ²And the Philistines followed hard upon Saul and upon his sons; and the Philistines slew Jonathan, and Abinadab, and Melchishua, Saul's sons.

Jonathan dead, David is not going to be happy.
 
   ³And the battle went sore against Saul, and the archers hit him; and he was sore wounded of the archers.
   ⁴Then said Saul unto his armourbearer, Draw thy sword, and thrust me through therewith; lest these uncircumcised come and thrust me through, and abuse me. But his armourbearer would not; for he was sore afraid. Therefore Saul took a sword, and fell upon it.

Sureley whether or not your killer has or does not have a foreskin does not preclude your dead body being abused in any way.

 

   ⁵And when his armourbearer saw that Saul was dead, he fell likewise upon his sword, and died with him.

It may have been he missed Samuel and the act of self penetration satisfied need for something hard inside him. Although in reality Sauls suicide should be seen as just cowardice, a pathetic way to die for a king.   His armourbearer's death although possibly bourne of loyalty and fear was none the less just plain stupid.

   ⁶So Saul died, and his three sons, and his armourbearer, and all his men, that same day together.
   ⁷And when the men of Israel that were on the other side of the valley, and they that were on the other side Jordan, saw that the men of Israel fled, and that Saul and his sons were dead, they forsook the cities, and fled; and the Philistines came and dwelt in them.
   ⁸And it came to pass on the morrow, when the Philistines came to strip the slain, that they found Saul and his three sons fallen in mount Gilboa.
   ⁹And they cut off his head, and stripped off his armour, and sent into the land of the Philistines round about, to publish it in the house of their idols, and among the people.

   ¹⁰And they put his armour in the house of Ashteroth: and they fastened his body to the wall of Bethshan.
   ¹¹And when the inhabitants of Jabeshgilead heard of that which the Philistines had done to Saul;
   ¹²All the valiant men arose, and went all night, and took the body of Saul and the bodies of his sons from the wall of Bethshan, and came to Jabesh, and burnt them there.

All the valient men? If they were that valient and they thought that much of Saul, why were they not in his army?
   ¹³And they took their bones, and buried them under a tree at Jabesh, and fasted seven days.

Judges 3

Sorry for the delay in this but real life has taken up alot of time recently, much work, many parties and oddly enough ,research and fatigue caused by all, have strained my brain to a degree of writers block

¹Now these are the nations which the LORD left, to prove Israel by them, even as many of Israel as had not known all the wars of Canaan;

What! ?........Did not de lard state time and again things like I give you this land, take it from those already there and of cities kill every motherfucking living thing.

Someone therefore seems to be admitting that de lard either didn't say what he was supposed to or wasn't hard enough to follow up on his threats/promises.

²Only that the generations of the children of Israel might know, to teach them war, at the least such as before knew nothing thereof;

³Namely, five lords of the Philistines, and all the Canaanites, and the Sidonians, and the Hivites that dwelt in mount Lebanon, from mount Baalhermon unto the entering in of Hamath.

⁴And they were to prove Israel by them, to know whether they would hearken unto the commandments of the LORD, which he commanded their fathers by the hand of Moses.

Oh I see ! Where as I had thought, they were now the supplicant love slaves of de lard, there is no longer a cunning power mad conman prophet,so he now stops talking to them. Does someone want to tell me again of the love of de lard.

⁵And the children of Israel dwelt among the Canaanites, Hittites, and Amorites, and Perizzites, and Hivites, and Jebusites:

So naturally with out a madman prophet stirring them up the guidance of de lard they go back to normal lives.

⁶And they took their daughters to be their wives, and gave their daughters to their sons, and served their gods.

Just an observation....But to my view of what the supposed "power" of de lard is, or should be. Is it not contemptible that to and from their deity go out the window with a little bit of hot pussy on offer ? Especially from those that apparently witnessed it.

⁷And the children of Israel did evil in the sight of the LORD, and forgat the LORD their God, and served Baalim and the groves.

Fuck me ! I just realised, for once de lard didn't lie.......He is a jealous god !

⁸Therefore the anger of the LORD was hot against Israel, and he sold them into the hand of Chushanrishathaim king of Mesopotamia: and the children of Israel served Chushanrishathaim eight years.

I have been hunting for days now trying to match up Chushanrishathaim to a monarch ruling in or around Mesopotamia to give verification either of events or of dates.

Allegedly we are supposed to be in the twelfth to the eleventh BCE. I have a couple of times pointed out similarities with the invasion of the mysterious "sea peoples" and asked whether biblical scholars have erred in assuming first there was only one Moses and secondly that Joshua immediately followed the original Moses.

⁹And when the children of Israel cried unto the LORD, the LORD raised up a deliverer to the children of Israel, who delivered them, even Othniel the son of Kenaz, Caleb's younger brother.

¹⁰And the Spirit of the LORD came upon him, and he judged Israel, and went out to war: and the LORD delivered Chushanrishathaim king of Mesopotamia into his hand; and his hand prevailed against Chushanrishathaim.

So he went mad and started with the, " being a cunt" bit that had worked so well for all those other psychopaths before him.

¹¹And the land had rest forty years. And Othniel the son of Kenaz died.

¹²And the children of Israel did evil again in the sight of the LORD: and the LORD strengthened Eglon the king of Moab against Israel, because they had done evil in the sight of the LORD.

We have been here before. The almighty, alknowing, allseeing invisible autocrat seems to be incapable of knowing or seeing the obvious fact that they are inherently untrustworthy and if he wants to them to behave themselves all he needs to do is assure them he is there.

¹³And he gathered unto him the children of Ammon and Amalek, and went and smote Israel, and possessed the city of palm trees.

¹⁴So the children of Israel served Eglon the king of Moab eighteen years.

¹⁵But when the children of Israel cried unto the LORD, the LORD raised them up a deliverer, Ehud the son of Gera, a Benjamite, a man lefthanded: and by him the children of Israel sent a present unto Eglon the king of Moab.

¹⁶But Ehud made him a dagger which had two edges, of a cubit length; and he did gird it under his raiment upon his right thigh.

¹⁷And he brought the present unto Eglon king of Moab: and Eglon was a very fat man.

¹⁸And when he had made an end to offer the present, he sent away the people that bare the present.

¹⁹But he himself turned again from the quarries that were by Gilgal, and said, I have a secret errand unto thee, O king: who said, Keep silence. And all that stood by him went out from him.

²⁰And Ehud came unto him; and he was sitting in a summer parlour, which he had for himself alone. And Ehud said, I have a message from God unto thee. And he arose out of his seat.

²¹And Ehud put forth his left hand, and took the dagger from his right thigh, and thrust it into his belly:

²²And the haft also went in after the blade; and the fat closed upon the blade, so that he could not draw the dagger out of his belly; and the dirt came out.

²³Then Ehud went forth through the porch, and shut the doors of the parlour upon him, and locked them.

²⁴When he was gone out, his servants came; and when they saw that, behold, the doors of the parlour were locked, they said, Surely he covereth his feet in his summer chamber.

I have to ask.......Is this a true translation ? He was a fat bloke, could he see his feet?

Ah ! the NLT has this "They thought he might be using the latrine in the room"

²⁵And they tarried till they were ashamed: and, behold, he opened not the doors of the parlour; therefore they took a key, and opened them: and, behold, their lord was fallen down dead on the earth.

²⁶And Ehud escaped while they tarried, and passed beyond the quarries, and escaped unto Seirath.

²⁷And it came to pass, when he was come, that he blew a trumpet in the mountain of Ephraim, and the children of Israel went down with him from the mount, and he before them.

²⁸And he said unto them, Follow after me: for the LORD hath delivered your enemies the Moabites into your hand. And they went down after him, and took the fords of Jordan toward Moab, and suffered not a man to pass over.

²⁹And they slew of Moab at that time about ten thousand men, all lusty, and all men of valour; and there escaped not a man.

³⁰So Moab was subdued that day under the hand of Israel. And the land had rest fourscore years.

³¹And after him was Shamgar the son of Anath, which slew of the Philistines six hundred men with an ox goad: and he also delivered Israel.

Judges 2

¹And an angel of the LORD came up from Gilgal to Bochim, and said, I made you to go up out of Egypt, and have brought you unto the land which I sware unto your fathers; and I said, I will never break my covenant with you.

What ? Is senility compulsory when reading scripture ? Was it not mentioned only in the last chapter that the all powerful, almighty was UNABLE to drive out the inabitants of the valley.....for no other reason than they had chariots of iron.

You would have thought that for the creator of the universe, lord of all, the one that was master of the ten plagues of Egypt would be able to manage a little rust or even the odd wheel falling off. No ! de lard flaunts his impotence and ineffectualness in front of the world.

²And ye shall make no league with the inhabitants of this land; ye shall throw down their altars: but ye have not obeyed my voice: why have ye done this?

Mislaid his omniscience glasses again ?

³Wherefore I also said, I will not drive them out from before you; but they shall be as thorns in your sides, and their gods shall be a snare unto you.

⁴And it came to pass, when the angel of the LORD spake these words unto all the children of Israel, that the people lifted up their voice, and wept.

⁵And they called the name of that place Bochim: and they sacrificed there unto the LORD.

⁶And when Joshua had let the people go, the children of Israel went every man unto his inheritance to possess the land.

⁷And the people served the LORD all the days of Joshua, and all the days of the elders that outlived Joshua, who had seen all the great works of the LORD, that he did for Israel.

⁸And Joshua the son of Nun, the servant of the LORD, died, being an hundred and ten years old.

⁹And they buried him in the border of his inheritance in Timnathheres, in the mount of Ephraim, on the north side of the hill Gaash.

¹⁰And also all that generation were gathered unto their fathers: and there arose another generation after them, which knew not the LORD, nor yet the works which he had done for Israel.

¹¹And the children of Israel did evil in the sight of the LORD, and served Baalim:

Baalim = plural of Baal
Baal only means Lord so you could say Cricket is played at Baalim

¹²And they forsook the LORD God of their fathers, which brought them out of the land of Egypt, and followed other gods, of the gods of the people that were round about them, and bowed themselves unto them, and provoked the LORD to anger.

¹³And they forsook the LORD, and served Baal and Ashtaroth.

Or as YHWH calls us Father and Mother. Unfortunately the little bastard was proof goddesses can get pregnant from anal sex, well not excactly it's just my sperm was so potent it animated a turd.

¹⁴And the anger of the LORD was hot against Israel, and he delivered them into the hands of spoilers that spoiled them, and he sold them into the hands of their enemies round about, so that they could not any longer stand before their enemies.

Again I ask why does this jumped up prick of a god hold his subjects to higher ideals than he can maintain himself ?

¹⁵Whithersoever they went out, the hand of the LORD was against them for evil, as the LORD had said, and as the LORD had sworn unto them: and they were greatly distressed.

Or is it as I suspect he fails to deliver his end of the bargin and blames his subjects for getting killed and shit ?

¹⁶Nevertheless the LORD raised up judges, which delivered them out of the hand of those that spoiled them.

¹⁷And yet they would not hearken unto their judges, but they went a whoring after other gods, and bowed themselves unto them: they turned quickly out of the way which their fathers walked in, obeying the commandments of the LORD; but they did not so.

¹⁸And when the LORD raised them up judges, then the LORD was with the judge, and delivered them out of the hand of their enemies all the days of the judge: for it repented the LORD because of their groanings by reason of them that oppressed them and vexed them.

¹⁹And it came to pass, when the judge was dead, that they returned, and corrupted themselves more than their fathers, in following other gods to serve them, and to bow down unto them; they ceased not from their own doings, nor from their stubborn way.

²⁰And the anger of the LORD was hot against Israel; and he said, Because that this people hath transgressed my covenant which I commanded their fathers, and have not hearkened unto my voice;

²¹I also will not henceforth drive out any from before them of the nations which Joshua left when he died:

Won't or Can't ?

²²That through them I may prove Israel, whether they will keep the way of the LORD to walk therein, as their fathers did keep it, or not.

²³Therefore the LORD left those nations, without driving them out hastily; neither delivered he them into the hand of Joshua.

Did not the first verse have an angel with a message from de lard a message containing the words " I will never break my covenant with you. " Do the words "-lying Cunt-" mean anything ?

Deuteronomy 4

¹Now therefore hearken, O Israel, unto the statutes and unto the judgments, which I teach you, for to do them, that ye may live, and go in and possess the land which the LORD God of your fathers giveth you.
²Ye shall not add unto the word which I command you, neither shall ye diminish ought from it, that ye may keep the commandments of the LORD your God which I command you.
³Your eyes have seen what the LORD did because of Baalpeor: for all the men that followed Baalpeor, the LORD thy God hath destroyed them from among you.

Baalpeor I think this should actually be written Baal Peor as it means Lord of Peor. Although Baal is often thought of as a Pagan god and in some instances was .e.g Baal Hamon of the Carthogens. Initially in the ancient middle east Baal was a title generally meaning minor king( Minor king under a greater king, a king ruled over by a king of kings or emperor). Whether or not they were diefied as were Egyptian pharoahs is not fully agreed on but I would go with the affirmative.

⁴But ye that did cleave unto the LORD your God are alive every one of you this day.

Couldn't have really been much of a battle if one side suffered no losses. Did it involve more gas, or were any dead Israelites considered to be unbelievers ?

⁵Behold, I have taught you statutes and judgments, even as the LORD my God commanded me, that ye should do so in the land whither ye go to possess it.
⁶Keep therefore and do them; for this is your wisdom and your understanding in the sight of the nations, which shall hear all these statutes, and say, Surely this great nation is a wise and understanding people.
⁷For what nation is there so great, who hath God so nigh unto them, as the LORD our God is in all things that we call upon him for?

Well on one side at the time they had Egypt, on another border they had Assyria the rest was virtually covered by the Phoenician empire.

⁸And what nation is there so great, that hath statutes and judgements so righteous as all this law, which I set before you this day?

So righteous to alienate many of the populace, encouraging inhumanity against anyone who will not bend to their will and to many that do. whilst enforcing a parasitical ruling priesthood to take the cream off every action good bad or indifferent. So righteous it makes laws then almost in the same breath insists they are broken.

⁹Only take heed to thyself, and keep thy soul diligently, lest thou forget the things which thine eyes have seen, and lest they depart from thy heart all the days of thy life: but teach them thy sons, and thy sons' sons;

Surely it would be virtually impossible to forget the carnage involved in the spread of their empire, the catalogue of battles followed by the dispicable murder of innocent women and children. And surely the only way to teach your sons the things you have seen would be for them to continue doing what you have done ......Unfortunately that is one thing they have managed to keep up !

¹⁰Specially the day that thou stoodest before the LORD thy God in Horeb, when the LORD said unto me, Gather me the people together, and I will make them hear my words, that they may learn to fear me all the days that they shall live upon the earth, and that they may teach their children.
¹¹And ye came near and stood under the mountain; and the mountain burned with fire unto the midst of heaven, with darkness, clouds, and thick darkness.
¹²And the LORD spake unto you out of the midst of the fire: ye heard the voice of the words, but saw no similitude; only ye heard a voice.

Helluva showman that Jethro

¹³And he declared unto you his covenant, which he commanded you to perform, even ten commandments; and he wrote them upon two tables of stone.
¹⁴And the LORD commanded me at that time to teach you statutes and judgments, that ye might do them in the land whither ye go over to possess it.
¹⁵Take ye therefore good heed unto yourselves; for ye saw no manner of similitude on the day that the LORD spake unto you in Horeb out of the midst of the fire:

¹⁶Lest ye corrupt yourselves, and make you a graven image, the similitude of any figure, the likeness of male or female,

Like they had to make for the Ark

¹⁷The likeness of any beast that is on the earth, the likeness of any winged fowl that flieth in the air,

Would these be the biblical four legged birds or the real two legged ones ?

¹⁸The likeness of any thing that creepeth on the ground, the likeness of any fish that is in the waters beneath the earth:

Also is this the biblical four legged insects or the real six legged ones or maybe half a spider

¹⁹And lest thou lift up thine eyes unto heaven, and when thou seest the sun, and the moon, and the stars, even all the host of heaven, shouldest be driven to worship them, and serve them, which the LORD thy God hath divided unto all nations under the whole heaven.
²⁰But the LORD hath taken you, and brought you forth out of the iron furnace, even out of Egypt, to be unto him a people of inheritance, as ye are this day.
²¹Furthermore the LORD was angry with me for your sakes, and sware that I should not go over Jordan, and that I should not go in unto that good land, which the LORD thy God giveth thee for an inheritance:
²²But I must die in this land, I must not go over Jordan: but ye shall go over, and possess that good land.
²³Take heed unto yourselves, lest ye forget the covenant of the LORD your God, which he made with you, and make you a graven image, or the likeness of any thing, which the LORD thy God hath forbidden thee.
²⁴For the LORD thy God is a consuming fire, even a jealous God.

Its been my experiance that jealousy is felt by those that percieve inadequacy in themselves when measured against the success of others. Well don't listen to me hears a dictionary definition
1. jealous resentment against a rival, a person enjoying success or advantage, etc., or against another's success or advantage itself.
2. mental uneasiness from suspicion or fear of rivalry, unfaithfulness, etc., as in love or aims.
3. vigilance in maintaining or guarding something.
4. a jealous feeling, disposition, state, or mood.


Call me old fashioned but , I just find it hard to imagine that this god the so called creator of the universe, the source of all things,has a bad case of penis envy.

Ahhh ! poor lardy thinks he has a likkle winky

That would certainly explain all the hostility, we discussed Abraham's small manhood earlier perhaps this is why thy Israelites are his chosen people perhaps they are phallically challenged.

That might also explain why he picked on Og and his people. Just for having the big bed of fun, and the necessary equipment to go with it.

25When thou shalt beget children, and children's children, and ye shall have remained long in the land, and shall corrupt yourselves, and make a graven image, or the likeness of any thing, and shall do evil in the sight of the LORD thy God, to provoke him to anger:

²⁶I call heaven and earth to witness against you this day, that ye shall soon utterly perish from off the land whereunto ye go over Jordan to possess it; ye shall not prolong your days upon it, but shall utterly be destroyed.
²⁷And the LORD shall scatter you among the nations, and ye shall be left few in number among the heathen, whither the LORD shall lead you.
²⁸And there ye shall serve gods, the work of men's hands, wood and stone, which neither see, nor hear, nor eat, nor smell.
²⁹But if from thence thou shalt seek the LORD thy God, thou shalt find him, if thou seek him with all thy heart and with all thy soul.
³⁰When thou art in tribulation, and all these things are come upon thee, even in the latter days, if thou turn to the LORD thy God, and shalt be obedient unto his voice;
³¹(For the LORD thy God is a merciful God;) he will not forsake thee, neither destroy thee, nor forget the covenant of thy fathers which he sware unto them.

I thought he claims to be every bodies god, if so he has just proved himself either mistaken or a fucking liar.

³²For ask now of the days that are past, which were before thee, since the day that God created man upon the earth, and ask from the one side of heaven unto the other, whether there hath been any such thing as this great thing is, or hath been heard like it?

Yup he's got to be a fucking liar, else ......... No. One way or the other he's a fucking liar

³³Did ever people hear the voice of God speaking out of the midst of the fire, as thou hast heard, and live?

According to what we have been told .....Yes.

³⁴Or hath God assayed to go and take him a nation from the midst of another nation, by temptations, by signs, and by wonders, and by war, and by a mighty hand, and by a stretched out arm, and by great terrors, according to all that the LORD your God did for you in Egypt before your eyes?

what did it say in verse 31 again ?

³⁵Unto thee it was shewed, that thou mightest know that the LORD he is God; there is none else beside him.

Ah this will be after Ashera left him.

³⁶Out of heaven he made thee to hear his voice, that he might instruct thee: and upon earth he shewed thee his great fire; and thou heardest his words out of the midst of the fire.
³⁷And because he loved thy fathers, therefore he chose their seed after them, and brought thee out in his sight with his mighty power out of Egypt;
³⁸To drive out nations from before thee greater and mightier than thou art, to bring thee in, to give thee their land for an inheritance, as it is this day.
³⁹Know therefore this day, and consider it in thine heart, that the LORD he is God in heaven above, and upon the earth beneath: there is none else.
⁴⁰Thou shalt keep therefore his statutes, and his commandments, which I command thee this day, that it may go well with thee, and with thy children after thee, and that thou mayest prolong thy days upon the earth, which the LORD thy God giveth thee, for ever.
⁴¹Then Moses severed three cities on this side Jordan toward the sunrising;
⁴²That the slayer might flee thither, which should kill his neighbour unawares, and hated him not in times past; and that fleeing unto one of these cities he might live:
⁴³Namely, Bezer in the wilderness, in the plain country, of the Reubenites; and Ramoth in Gilead, of the Gadites; and Golan in Bashan, of the Manassites.
⁴⁴And this is the law which Moses set before the children of Israel:
⁴⁵These are the testimonies, and the statutes, and the judgments, which Moses spake unto the children of Israel, after they came forth out of Egypt.
⁴⁶On this side Jordan, in the valley over against Bethpeor, in the land of Sihon king of the Amorites, who dwelt at Heshbon, whom Moses and the children of Israel smote, after they were come forth out of Egypt:
⁴⁷And they possessed his land, and the land of Og king of Bashan, two kings of the Amorites, which were on this side Jordan toward the sunrising;
⁴⁸From Aroer, which is by the bank of the river Arnon, even unto mount Sion, which is Hermon,
⁴⁹And all the plain on this side Jordan eastward, even unto the sea of the plain, under the springs of Pisgah.

Jocularity aside I can appreciate the colonial mentality, the sudden lack of restraint after a bloody battle ,the adrenalin fuelled lusts for killing and well, lust. After all the Europeans and early Americans did not conquer without transgressing basic humanitarian codes.

Leviticus 26

¹Ye shall make you no idols nor graven image, neither rear you up a standing image, neither shall ye set up any image of stone in your land, to bow down unto it: for I am the LORD your God.

Abraham and Jacob raised stones to delawd....Are we really sure they worshipped the same imaginary despot ?

Also has anyome pointed this out to the catholics and the C of E

²Ye shall keep my sabbaths, and reverence my sanctuary: I am the LORD.

Of course no working on saturdays and every 50th year and no fucking Goats/boys/men in the church.........Does this chapter get left out of the catholic bible ?

³If ye walk in my statutes, and keep my commandments, and do them;

⁴Then I will give you rain in due season, and the land shall yield her increase, and the trees of the field shall yield their fruit.

⁵And your threshing shall reach unto the vintage, and the vintage shall reach unto the sowing time: and ye shall eat your bread to the full, and dwell in your land safely.

Evidently not fore sight,at best wishful thinking. Or if you insist in believing he exists you have to accept he either likes fucking his people over or he just hasn't got a clue.

⁶And I will give peace in the land, and ye shall lie down, and none shall make you afraid: and I will rid evil beasts out of the land, neither shall the sword go through your land.

⁷And ye shall chase your enemies, and they shall fall before you by the sword.

⁸And five of you shall chase an hundred, and an hundred of you shall put ten thousand to flight: and your enemies shall fall before you by the sword.

⁹For I will have respect unto you, and make you fruitful, and multiply you, and establish my covenant with you.

¹⁰And ye shall eat old store, and bring forth the old because of the new.

¹¹And I set my tabernacle among you: and my soul shall not abhor you.

¹²And I will walk among you, and will be your God, and ye shall be my people.

Yes he's often seen, strolling through the West bank admiring the mine feilds and the rolling barbed wire revelling to the morning chorus of AK 47's and wounded children.

¹³I am the LORD your God, which brought you forth out of the land of Egypt, that ye should not be their bondmen; and I have broken the bands of your yoke, and made you go upright.

¹⁴But if ye will not hearken unto me, and will not do all these commandments;

¹⁵And if ye shall despise my statutes, or if your soul abhor my judgments, so that ye will not do all my commandments, but that ye break my covenant:

¹⁶I also will do this unto you; I will even appoint over you terror, consumption, and the burning ague, that shall consume the eyes, and cause sorrow of heart: and ye shall sow your seed in vain, for your enemies shall eat it.

¹⁷And I will set my face against you, and ye shall be slain before your enemies: they that hate you shall reign over you; and ye shall flee when none pursueth you.

¹⁸And if ye will not yet for all this hearken unto me, then I will punish you seven times more for your sins.

¹⁹And I will break the pride of your power; and I will make your heaven as iron, and your earth as brass:

²⁰And your strength shall be spent in vain: for your land shall not yield her increase, neither shall the trees of the land yield their fruits.

²¹And if ye walk contrary unto me, and will not hearken unto me; I will bring seven times more plagues upon you according to your sins.

²²I will also send wild beasts among you, which shall rob you of your children, and destroy your cattle, and make you few in number; and your high ways shall be desolate.

²³And if ye will not be reformed by me by these things, but will walk contrary unto me;

²⁴Then will I also walk contrary unto you, and will punish you yet seven times for your sins.

²⁵And I will bring a sword upon you, that shall avenge the quarrel of my covenant: and when ye are gathered together within your cities, I will send the pestilence among you; and ye shall be delivered into the hand of the enemy.

²⁶And when I have broken the staff of your bread, ten women shall bake your bread in one oven, and they shall deliver you your bread again by weight: and ye shall eat, and not be satisfied.

²⁷And if ye will not for all this hearken unto me, but walk contrary unto me;

²⁸Then I will walk contrary unto you also in fury; and I, even I, will chastise you seven times for your sins.

²⁹And ye shall eat the flesh of your sons, and the flesh of your daughters shall ye eat.

³⁰And I will destroy your high places, and cut down your images, and cast your carcases upon the carcases of your idols, and my soul shall abhor you.

³¹And I will make your cities waste, and bring your sanctuaries unto desolation, and I will not smell the savour of your sweet odours.

³²And I will bring the land into desolation: and your enemies which dwell therein shall be astonished at it.

³³And I will scatter you among the heathen, and will draw out a sword after you: and your land shall be desolate, and your cities waste.

³⁴Then shall the land enjoy her sabbaths, as long as it lieth desolate, and ye be in your enemies' land; even then shall the land rest, and enjoy her sabbaths.

³⁵As long as it lieth desolate it shall rest; because it did not rest in your sabbaths, when ye dwelt upon it.

³⁶And upon them that are left alive of you I will send a faintness into their hearts in the lands of their enemies; and the sound of a shaken leaf shall chase them; and they shall flee, as fleeing from a sword; and they shall fall when none pursueth.

³⁷And they shall fall one upon another, as it were before a sword, when none pursueth: and ye shall have no power to stand before your enemies.

³⁸And ye shall perish among the heathen, and the land of your enemies shall eat you up.

³⁹And they that are left of you shall pine away in their iniquity in your enemies' lands; and also in the iniquities of their fathers shall they pine away with them.

⁴⁰If they shall confess their iniquity, and the iniquity of their fathers, with their trespass which they trespassed against me, and that also they have walked contrary unto me;

⁴¹And that I also have walked contrary unto them, and have brought them into the land of their enemies; if then their uncircumcised hearts be humbled, and they then accept of the punishment of their iniquity:

There are the laws given but they seem more as vehicles to excuse the administration of punishments and the collections of payment.

⁴²Then will I remember my covenant with Jacob, and also my covenant with Isaac, and also my covenant with Abraham will I remember; and I will remember the land.

Remember those, the ones who raised stones ??

⁴³The land also shall be left of them, and shall enjoy her sabbaths, while she lieth desolate without them: and they shall accept of the punishment of their iniquity: because, even because they despised my judgments, and because their soul abhorred my statutes.

So god recognises Gia, Mother Earth

⁴⁴And yet for all that, when they be in the land of their enemies, I will not cast them away, neither will I abhor them, to destroy them utterly, and to break my covenant with them: for I am the LORD their God.

⁴⁵But I will for their sakes remember the covenant of their ancestors, whom I brought forth out of the land of Egypt in the sight of the heathen, that I might be their God: I am the LORD.

⁴⁶These are the statutes and judgments and laws, which the LORD made between him and the children of Israel in mount Sinai by the hand of Moses.

Genisis 6

¹And it came to pass, when men began to multiply on the face of the earth, and daughters were born unto them,
I could point out that the "men" are the ones breeding but men has to mean humans so no more gay jokes.
²That the sons of God saw the daughters of men that they were fair; and they took them wives of all which they chose.
Umm! God had sons? They don't teach us that one. Does that not imply
1. There is at least one Mrs God.
2.Therefore Goddess(es)
3.There must be more Gods even if they are his sons
4. I know we havn't got anywhere near the new testement yet but is there not a line that says something about Gods only Begotten son?
³And the LORD said, My spirit shall not always strive with man, for that he also is flesh: yet his days shall be an hundred and twenty years.
So God IS Flesh
⁴There were giants in the earth in those days; and also after that, when the sons of God came in unto the daughters of men, and they bare children to them, the same became mighty men which were of old, men of renown.
Fair enough mongrels are genetically superior to pedigrees
⁵And God saw that the wickedness of man was great in the earth, and that every imagination of the thoughts of his heart was only evil continually.
⁶And it repented the LORD that he had made man on the earth, and it grieved him at his heart.
That omniscience is really not what it's made out to be is it
⁷And the LORD said, I will destroy man whom I have created from the face of the earth; both man, and beast, and the creeping thing, and the fowls of the air; for it repenteth me that I have made them.
Beware the evil Bunny his fluffyness will cause you to kill and rape and eat chocolate eggs to celebrate the third full moon following the winter solstice
⁸But Noah found grace in the eyes of the LORD.
"Grace get out of gods eyes......bad dog"
⁹These are the generations of Noah: Noah was a just man and perfect in his generations, and Noah walked with God.
¹⁰And Noah begat three sons, Shem, Ham, and Japheth.
From God?
¹¹The earth also was corrupt before God, and the earth was filled with violence.
¹²And God looked upon the earth, and, behold, it was corrupt; for all flesh had corrupted his way upon the earth.
¹³And God said unto Noah, The end of all flesh is come before me; for the earth is filled with violence through them; and, behold, I will destroy them with the earth.

This is a bit extreme to say the least, Ive had shit in my eye and it hurts and having a whole dog in your eye has to be far from pleasant. Kick the dog zap it with lightning understandable but drowning mr and mrs cheesemaker over in basingstoke , not their dog not their doing ¹⁴Make thee an ark of gopher wood; rooms shalt thou make in the ark, and shalt pitch it within and without with pitch.
¹⁵And this is the fashion which thou shalt make it of: The length of the ark shall be three hundred cubits, the breadth of it fifty cubits, and the height of it thirty cubits.
¹⁶A window shalt thou make to the ark, and in a cubit shalt thou finish it above; and the door of the ark shalt thou set in the side thereof; with lower, second, and third stories shalt thou make it.
¹⁷And, behold, I, even I, do bring a flood of waters upon the earth, to destroy all flesh, wherein is the breath of life, from under heaven; and every thing that is in the earth shall die.
¹⁸But with thee will I establish my covenant; and thou shalt come into the ark, thou, and thy sons, and thy wife, and thy sons' wives with thee.
¹⁹And of every living thing of all flesh, two of every sort shalt thou bring into the ark, to keep them alive with thee; they shall be male and female.
I will concede that in the bronze age that was a big boat . But seriously Ithink it would be a tight squeeze to get all species of bugs let alone elephants and giraffes.
What about food never mind what food becomes after going through animals.And no matter how you try the animals are not going to form an orderly queue to crap over the side. One window one cubit square how is anything going to breathe ?
^20.Of fowls after their kind, and of cattle after their kind, of every creeping thing of the earth after his kind, two of every sort shall come unto thee, to keep them alive.
²¹And take thou unto thee of all food that is eaten, and thou shalt gather it to thee; and it shall be for food for thee, and for them.²²Thus did Noah; according to all that God commanded him, so did he.