Joshua 4

¹And it came to pass, when all the people were clean passed over Jordan, that the LORD spake unto Joshua, saying,

²Take you twelve men out of the people, out of every tribe a man,

³And command ye them, saying, Take you hence out of the midst of Jordan, out of the place where the priests' feet stood firm, twelve stones, and ye shall carry them over with you, and leave them in the lodging place, where ye shall lodge this night.

Also in complete contradiction to the law in Lev:26:1

Would man not make so many mistakes if de lard didn't keep changing his mind like a teenage girl in a boutique ?

⁴Then Joshua called the twelve men, whom he had prepared of the children of Israel, out of every tribe a man:

⁵And Joshua said unto them, Pass over before the ark of the LORD your God into the midst of Jordan, and take you up every man of you a stone upon his shoulder, according unto the number of the tribes of the children of Israel:

⁶That this may be a sign among you, that when your children ask their fathers in time to come, saying, What mean ye by these stones?

Twelve stones each carried there on the shoulder of one man ! Should anyone be impressed ? Not exactly megaliths are they ?

⁷Then ye shall answer them, That the waters of Jordan were cut off before the ark of the covenant of the LORD; when it passed over Jordan, the waters of Jordan were cut off: and these stones shall be for a memorial unto the children of Israel for ever.

⁸And the children of Israel did so as Joshua commanded, and took up twelve stones out of the midst of Jordan, as the LORD spake unto Joshua, according to the number of the tribes of the children of Israel, and carried them over with them unto the place where they lodged, and laid them down there.

⁹And Joshua set up twelve stones in the midst of Jordan, in the place where the feet of the priests which bare the ark of the covenant stood: and they are there unto this day.

As "foretold" in Duet :27 .Isn't prophecy amazing when it's written down after the fact.

It seems the followers of the laws of de lard chose which laws they were going to follow.

¹⁰For the priests which bare the ark stood in the midst of Jordan, until everything was finished that the LORD commanded Joshua to speak unto the people, according to all that Moses commanded Joshua: and the people hasted and passed over.

¹¹And it came to pass, when all the people were clean passed over, that the ark of the LORD passed over, and the priests, in the presence of the people.

¹²And the children of Reuben, and the children of Gad, and half the tribe of Manasseh, passed over armed before the children of Israel, as Moses spake unto them:

¹³About forty thousand prepared for war passed over before the LORD unto battle, to the plains of Jericho.

¹⁴On that day the LORD magnified Joshua in the sight of all Israel; and they feared him, as they feared Moses, all the days of his life.

What ? They feared Moses ALL HIS LIFE I don't remember reading that. I thought he was followed because the hebrews thought he was right.

¹⁵And the LORD spake unto Joshua, saying,

¹⁶Command the priests that bear the ark of the testimony, that they come up out of Jordan.

¹⁷Joshua therefore commanded the priests, saying, Come ye up out of Jordan.

¹⁸And it came to pass, when the priests that bare the ark of the covenant of the LORD were come up out of the midst of Jordan, and the soles of the priests' feet were lifted up unto the dry land, that the waters of Jordan returned unto their place, and flowed over all his banks, as they did before.

¹⁹And the people came up out of Jordan on the tenth day of the first month, and encamped in Gilgal, in the east border of Jericho.

²⁰And those twelve stones, which they took out of Jordan, did Joshua pitch in Gilgal.

I would have expected more from the people that allegedly were the stonemasons and builders of Egypt. If this event was truly as remarkable as the description implies why did they not mark the spot with something that would really stand out, rather than twelve small boulders.

²¹And he spake unto the children of Israel, saying, When your children shall ask their fathers in time to come, saying, What mean these stones?

²²Then ye shall let your children know, saying, Israel came over this Jordan on dry land.

²³For the LORD your God dried up the waters of Jordan from before you, until ye were passed over, as the LORD your God did to the Red sea, which he dried up from before us, until we were gone over:

Oh dear old Josh is starting to repeat himself. Is he going the same way as Moses, did he catch syphilis from him ?

²⁴That all the people of the earth might know the hand of the LORD, that it is mighty: that ye might fear the LORD your God for ever.

Well that hasn't worked very well.It also something I continually fail to understand. Why does the supposed creator of everything need this fear ? Is it a drug to him ? Is de lard jacking up ? With all the temper tantrums and meanness He must either be a meth head or a teenage girl.

Deuteronomy 9

¹Hear, O Israel: Thou art to pass over Jordan this day, to go in to possess nations greater and mightier than thyself, cities great and fenced up to heaven,

²A people great and tall, the children of the Anakims, whom thou knowest, and of whom thou hast heard say, Who can stand before the children of Anak!

³Understand therefore this day, that the LORD thy God is he which goeth over before thee; as a consuming fire he shall destroy them, and he shall bring them down before thy face: so shalt thou drive them out, and destroy them quickly, as the LORD hath said unto thee.

⁴Speak not thou in thine heart, after that the LORD thy God hath cast them out from before thee, saying, For my righteousness the LORD hath brought me in to possess this land: but for the wickedness of these nations the LORD doth drive them out from before thee.

wick·ed
adj. wick·ed·er, wick·ed·est 1. Evil by nature and in practice: "this wicked man Hitler, the repository and embodiment of many forms of soul-destroying hatred" (Winston S. Churchill). 2. Playfully malicious or mischievous: a wicked prank; a critic's wicked wit. 3. Severe and distressing: a wicked cough; a wicked gash; wicked driving conditions. 4. Highly offensive; obnoxious: a wicked stench. 5. Slang Strikingly good, effective, or skillful: a wicked curve ball; a wicked imitation. [Middle English, alteration of wicke, ultimately from Old English wicca, sorcerer; see witch.] wick'ed·ly adv., wick'ed·ness n. ess n.

⁵Not for thy righteousness, or for the uprightness of thine heart, dost thou go to possess their land: but for the wickedness of these nations the LORD thy God doth drive them out from before thee, and that he may perform the word which the LORD sware unto thy fathers, Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob.

right·eous adj. 1. Morally upright; without guilt or sin: a righteous parishioner. 2. In accordance with virtue or morality: a righteous judgment. 3. Morally justifiable: righteous anger. See Synonyms at moral. n. Righteous people considered as a group. [Middle English ryghtuous, alteration of rihtwise, from Old English rihtwīs : riht, right; see right + -wīse, -wise.] right'eous·ly adv., right'eous·ness n.

⁶Understand therefore, that the LORD thy God giveth thee not this good land to possess it for thy righteousness; for thou art a stiffnecked people.

Has the scribe confused those two words. It seems to me truly wicked to storm someone's city and kill all the occupants. Especially on orders from an entity claiming that these people are your brothers.

Lets take this a bit further, throw our rationale out of the window and briefly accept this bollocks as the truth. According to the texts we have read all mankind is descended from Noah and his family.The great flood happened at least 1,000 years earlier. So somewhere between then and the time of Moses some people have not mentioned what a wonderful god the great JHVH is. Because of this , the almighty(his words not mine) thinks the only way forwards is for these unruly immigrants to murder every last motherfucking one of them.

Now what was that again about de lards wisdom, understanding and love ?

⁷Remember, and forget not, how thou provokedst the LORD thy God to wrath in the wilderness: from the day that thou didst depart out of the land of Egypt, until ye came unto this place, ye have been rebellious against the LORD.

Because the simple question "Why" is a major sin.

⁸Also in Horeb ye provoked the LORD to wrath, so that the LORD was angry with you to have destroyed you.

⁹When I was gone up into the mount to receive the tables of stone, even the tables of the covenant which the LORD made with you, then I abode in the mount forty days and forty nights, I neither did eat bread nor drink water:

Just spacecake, magic mushrooms and wine.

¹⁰And the LORD delivered unto me two tables of stone written with the finger of God; and on them was written according to all the words, which the LORD spake with you in the mount out of the midst of the fire in the day of the assembly.

¹¹And it came to pass at the end of forty days and forty nights, that the LORD gave me the two tables of stone, even the tables of the covenant.

¹²And the LORD said unto me, Arise, get thee down quickly from hence; for thy people which thou hast brought forth out of Egypt have corrupted themselves; they are quickly turned aside out of the way which I commanded them; they have made them a molten image.

Because the awesome spectacle, the incredible power of de lard has been so incredible that the simple people that escaped Egypt have,without the rantings of an insane leader with a pet magician to literally put the fear of god into them, forgotten about it in just over a month.

¹³Furthermore the LORD spake unto me, saying, I have seen this people, and, behold, it is a stiffnecked people:

¹⁴Let me alone, that I may destroy them, and blot out their name from under heaven: and I will make of thee a nation mightier and greater than they.

Hang on, as I understand to be born a Jew, your mother must have been a Jew. If de lard had carried out this threat how would he have built a nation from Moses and his wives one Midianite and one Ethiopian ?

¹⁵So I turned and came down from the mount, and the mount burned with fire: and the two tables of the covenant were in my two hands.

¹⁶And I looked, and, behold, ye had sinned against the LORD your God, and had made you a molten calf: ye had turned aside quickly out of the way which the LORD had commanded you.

¹⁷And I took the two tables, and cast them out of my two hands, and brake them before your eyes.

It took de lard six days to create the world but forty days to make two stone tablets, and god is not pissed off with Moses for breaking them. And yet Moses is able to rewrite them in a day, does this not seem strange to anyone but me ?

¹⁸And I fell down before the LORD, as at the first, forty days and forty nights: I did neither eat bread, nor drink water, because of all your sins which ye sinned, in doing wickedly in the sight of the LORD, to provoke him to anger.

¹⁹For I was afraid of the anger and hot displeasure, wherewith the LORD was wroth against you to destroy you. But the LORD hearkened unto me at that time also.

²⁰And the LORD was very angry with Aaron to have destroyed him: and I prayed for Aaron also the same time.

²¹And I took your sin, the calf which ye had made, and burnt it with fire, and stamped it, and ground it very small, even until it was as small as dust: and I cast the dust thereof into the brook that descended out of the mount.

Didn't the original tale tell us they were forced to drink the dust laden water?

²²And at Taberah, and at Massah, and at Kibrothhattaavah, ye provoked the LORD to wrath.

²³Likewise when the LORD sent you from Kadeshbarnea, saying, Go up and possess the land which I have given you; then ye rebelled against the commandment of the LORD your God, and ye believed him not, nor hearkened to his voice.

²⁴Ye have been rebellious against the LORD from the day that I knew you.

²⁵Thus I fell down before the LORD forty days and forty nights, as I fell down at the first; because the LORD had said he would destroy you.

²⁶I prayed therefore unto the LORD, and said, O Lord GOD, destroy not thy people and thine inheritance, which thou hast redeemed through thy greatness, which thou hast brought forth out of Egypt with a mighty hand.

Because the malevolent bastard is so easily swayed by a grovelling madman.

²⁷Remember thy servants, Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob; look not unto the stubbornness of this people, nor to their wickedness, nor to their sin:

²⁸Lest the land whence thou broughtest us out say, Because the LORD was not able to bring them into the land which he promised them, and because he hated them, he hath brought them out to slay them in the wilderness.

So at the end of the day it's all about spin. It was all to protect de lards reputation, otherwise the world would have seen his impotence much sooner.

²⁹Yet they are thy people and thine inheritance, which thou broughtest out by thy mighty power and by thy stretched out arm.

Exodus 16

Exodus 16

¹And they took their journey from Elim, and all the congregation of the children of Israel came unto the wilderness of Sin, which is between Elim and Sinai, on the fifteenth day of the second month after their departing out of the land of Egypt.

And I thought I dwelt in sin

But if you really want to find out about sin go here and here

So no nudies there then. Dissapointed, It seems sin is taken from the moon god or a family name of a some times ruling family of the ancients in Mesopotamia it may relate in some way to the temple prostitution culture prevalent back then and if it does it underlines the sexual inadaquacy of Abraham and his family.

²And the whole congregation of the children of Israel murmured against Moses and Aaron in the wilderness:

No shit. They may have been worked hard in egypt they may have had more than an occasional beating, but they were not starving, they were not wandering aimlessly in unfamiliar terrirtory uprooted from the only life they had known.

³And the children of Israel said unto them, Would to God we had died by the hand of the LORD in the land of Egypt, when we sat by the flesh pots, and when we did eat bread to the full; for ye have brought us forth into this wilderness, to kill this whole assembly with hunger.

⁴Then said the LORD unto Moses, Behold, I will rain bread from heaven for you; and the people shall go out and gather a certain rate every day, that I may prove them, whether they will walk in my law, or no.

Oh! Rather than perform an actual useful miracle god is going to make them work for it to prove his undying and unlimited love.

⁵And it shall come to pass, that on the sixth day they shall prepare that which they bring in; and it shall be twice as much as they gather daily.

⁶And Moses and Aaron said unto all the children of Israel, At even, then ye shall know that the LORD hath brought you out from the land of Egypt:

⁷And in the morning, then ye shall see the glory of the LORD; for that he heareth your murmurings against the LORD: and what are we, that ye murmur against us?

⁸And Moses said, This shall be, when the LORD shall give you in the evening flesh to eat, and in the morning bread to the fulll; for that the LORD heareth your murmurings which ye murmur against him: and what are we? your murmurings are not against us, but against the LORD.

Flesh at night ,bread in the morning, shit, why didn,t he come at noon and dish out meat sammiches. And notice too, the subtle passing of the buck. No no it's not our fault you were dumb enough to follow us it's de lawds doing.

⁹And Moses spake unto Aaron, Say unto all the congregation of the children of Israel, Come near before the LORD: for he hath heard your murmurings.

¹⁰And it came to pass, as Aaron spake unto the whole congregation of the children of Israel, that they looked toward the wilderness, and, behold, the glory of the LORD appeared in the cloud.

¹¹And the LORD spake unto Moses, saying,

¹²I have heard the murmurings of the children of Israel: speak unto them, saying, At even ye shall eat flesh, and in the morning ye shall be filled with bread; and ye shall know that I am the LORD your God.

¹³And it came to pass, that at even the quails came up, and covered the camp: and in the morning the dew lay round about the host.

¹⁴And when the dew that lay was gone up, behold, upon the face of the wilderness there lay a small round thing, as small as the hoar frost on the ground.

¹⁵And when the children of Israel saw it, they said one to another, It is manna: for they wist not what it was. And Moses said unto them, This is the bread which the LORD hath given you to eat.

I was always told bread god said bread Moses say's bread wiki gives numerous possibillities one can be found here in more detail but from verse 13 I would say it was quails shit.

¹⁶This is the thing which the LORD hath commanded, Gather of it every man according to his eating, an omer for every man, according to the number of your persons; take ye every man for them which are in his tents.

¹⁷And the children of Israel did so, and gathered, some more, some less.

¹⁸And when they did mete it with an omer, he that gathered much had nothing over, and he that gathered little had no lack; they gathered every man according to his eating.

¹⁹And Moses said, Let no man leave of it till the morning.

²⁰Notwithstanding they hearkened not unto Moses; but some of them left of it until the morning, and it bred worms, and stank: and Moses was wroth with them.

That to me is a clue that whatever it was it wasn't bread.

²¹And they gathered it every morning, every man according to his eating: and when the sun waxed hot, it melted.

²²And it came to pass, that on the sixth day they gathered twice as much bread, two omers for one man: and all the rulers of the congregation came and told Moses.

²³And he said unto them, This is that which the LORD hath said, To morrow is the rest of the holy sabbath unto the LORD: bake that which ye will bake to day, and seethe that ye will seethe; and that which remaineth over lay up for you to be kept until the morning.

²⁴And they laid it up till the morning, as Moses bade: and it did not stink, neither was there any worm therein.

What a miracle wow ,hang on read it again. Yes they baked it before storing ,no miracle there.

²⁵And Moses said, Eat that to day; for to day is a sabbath unto the LORD: to day ye shall not find it in the field.

²⁶Six days ye shall gather it; but on the seventh day, which is the sabbath, in it there shall be none.

²⁷And it came to pass, that there went out some of the people on the seventh day for to gather, and they found none.

²⁸And the LORD said unto Moses, How long refuse ye to keep my commandments and my laws?

²⁹See, for that the LORD hath given you the sabbath, therefore he giveth you on the sixth day the bread of two days; abide ye every man in his place, let no man go out of his place on the seventh day.

³⁰So the people rested on the seventh day.

I don't know about you but to me there's alot of difference between rest and house arrest.

³¹And the house of Israel called the name thereof Manna: and it was like coriander seed, white; and the taste of it was like wafers made with honey.

³²And Moses said, This is the thing which the LORD commandeth, Fill an omer of it to be kept for your generations; that they may see the bread wherewith I have fed you in the wilderness, when I brought you forth from the land of Egypt.

³³And Moses said unto Aaron, Take a pot, and put an omer full of manna therein, and lay it up before the LORD, to be kept for your generations.

³⁴As the LORD commanded Moses, so Aaron laid it up before the Testimony, to be kept.

³⁵And the children of Israel did eat manna forty years, until they came to a land inhabited; they did eat manna, until they came unto the borders of the land of Canaan.

What ?

Cast your mind back. Now Jacob travelled from Canaan to Ur the long way round, Moses and his exaggerated entourage are taking forty years to travel a third of the distance that Jacob did in a matter of weeks. Come on that is either some seriously bad map reading or yet again some one some where has injected a little bit of bullshit into the story.

Or it just means in rememberance of the journey, they ate the baked/preserved manna in a ritualised manner till it ran out, possibly echoed in the eucharist today

³⁶Now an omer is the tenth part of an ephah.

Genesis 50

Genesis 50

¹And Joseph fell upon his father's face, and wept upon him, and kissed him.
²And Joseph commanded his servants the physicians to embalm his father: and the physicians embalmed Israel.

Shame one of Jacobs wives hadn't made it to Egypt they both could have been "embalmed" and then "mounted"

³And forty days were fulfilled for him; for so are fulfilled the days of those which are embalmed: and the Egyptians mourned for him threescore and ten days.
⁴And when the days of his mourning were past, Joseph spake unto the house of Pharaoh, saying, If now I have found grace in your eyes, speak, I pray you, in the ears of Pharaoh, saying,
⁵My father made me swear, saying, Lo, I die: in my grave which I have digged for me in the land of Canaan, there shalt thou bury me. Now therefore let me go up, I pray thee, and bury my father, and I will come again.

If Joseph was a free man why would he need to ask permission ?

⁶And Pharaoh said, Go up, and bury thy father, according as he made thee swear.
⁷And Joseph went up to bury his father: and with him went up all the servants of Pharaoh, the elders of his house, and all the elders of the land of Egypt,

Why ? What would Pharoah send all his servants for ?
Would he not need them himself, were Joseph's own servants somehow incompetent or untrustworthy?

⁸And all the house of Joseph, and his brethren, and his father's house: only their little ones, and their flocks, and their herds, they left in the land of Goshen.
⁹And there went up with him both chariots and horsemen: and it was a very great company.
¹⁰And they came to the threshing floor of Atad, which is beyond Jordan, and there they mourned with a great and very sore lamentation: and he made a mourning for his father seven days.
¹¹And when the inhabitants of the land, the Canaanites, saw the mourning in the floor of Atad, they said, This is a grievous mourning to the Egyptians: wherefore the name of it was called Abelmizraim, which is beyond Jordan.
¹²And his sons did unto him according as he commanded them:

Preists do well out of these last couple of chapters of genesis don't they.

¹³For his sons carried him into the land of Canaan, and buried him in the cave of the field of Machpelah, which Abraham bought with the field for a possession of a burying place of Ephron the Hittite, before Mamre.
¹⁴And Joseph returned into Egypt, he, and his brethren, and all that went up with him to bury his father, after he had buried his father.
¹⁵And when Joseph's brethren saw that their father was dead, they said, Joseph will peradventure hate us, and will certainly requite us all the evil which we did unto him.

Fuck me! Genuine reactions and emotions, you gotta admit if you saw your long lost bro returning home with a veritable army, you would shit your pants even wearing a dress like these people did you would.

¹⁶And they sent a messenger unto Joseph, saying, Thy father did command before he died, saying,
¹⁷So shall ye say unto Joseph, Forgive, I pray thee now, the trespass of thy brethren, and their sin; for they did unto thee evil: and now, we pray thee, forgive the trespass of the servants of the God of thy father. And Joseph wept when they spake unto him.
¹⁸And his brethren also went and fell down before his face; and they said, Behold, we be thy servants.
¹⁹And Joseph said unto them, Fear not: for am I in the place of God?
²⁰But as for you, ye thought evil against me; but God meant it unto good, to bring to pass, as it is this day, to save much people alive.
²¹Now therefore fear ye not: I will nourish you, and your little ones. And he comforted them, and spake kindly unto them.

And now the epilogue

²²And Joseph dwelt in Egypt, he, and his father's house: and Joseph lived an hundred and ten years.
²³And Joseph saw Ephraim's children of the third generation: the children also of Machir the son of Manasseh were brought up upon Joseph's knees.
²⁴And Joseph said unto his brethren, I die: and God will surely visit you, and bring you out of this land unto the land which he sware to Abraham, to Isaac, and to Jacob.
²⁵And Joseph took an oath of the children of Israel, saying, God will surely visit you, and ye shall carry up my bones from hence.
²⁶So Joseph died, being an hundred and ten years old: and they embalmed him, and he was put in a coffin in Egypt.

Short and sweet you would have expected more his ancestors built cities and he had more money, more men and more power, and all he did was act as a climbing frame for his and his brothers grand children.

Genesis 21

Genesis 21

¹And the LORD visited Sarah as he had said, and the LORD did unto Sarah as he had spoken.

Is this not yet another begotten son ? How many is that now ? So much for the late great JC as being "gods only begotten son" Or perhaps we are talking of some symbolic bollocks that has yet to be confirmed.
²For Sarah conceived, and bare Abraham a son in his old age, at the set time of which God had spoken to him.
Dec 25 by any chance ?

³And Abraham called the name of his son that was born unto him, whom Sarah bare to him, Isaac.
⁴And Abraham circumcised his son Isaac being eight days old, as God had commanded him.
⁵And Abraham was an hundred years old, when his son Isaac was born unto him.
⁶And Sarah said, God hath made me to laugh, so that all that hear will laugh with me.
No dear "at you"

⁷And she said, Who would have said unto Abraham, that Sarah should have given children suck? for I have born him a son in his old age.
So was born the Idea the Catholic Priesthood holds dearest.

⁸And the child grew, and was weaned: and Abraham made a great feast the same day that Isaac was weaned.
⁹And Sarah saw the son of Hagar the Egyptian, which she had born unto Abraham, mocking.
Be fair, who in their right mind could do anything but mock.

¹⁰Wherefore she said unto Abraham, Cast out this bondwoman and her son: for the son of this bondwoman shall not be heir with my son, even with Isaac.
¹¹And the thing was very grievous in Abraham's sight because of his son.

Nothing to do with the fact that Hagar was still fit and could put on a good show for a stupid senile old man.

¹²And God said unto Abraham, Let it not be grievous in thy sight because of the lad, and because of thy bondwoman; in all that Sarah hath said unto thee, hearken unto her voice; for in Isaac shall thy seed be called.
Any thing for a quite life.

¹³And also of the son of the bondwoman will I make a nation, because he is thy seed.
God changed his plan again ?

¹⁴And Abraham rose up early in the morning, and took bread, and a bottle of water, and gave it unto Hagar, putting it on her shoulder, and the child, and sent her away: and she departed, and wandered in the wilderness of Beersheba.
¹⁵And the water was spent in the bottle, and she cast the child under one of the shrubs.
¹⁶And she went, and sat her down over against him a good way off, as it were a bow shot: for she said, Let me not see the death of the child. And she sat over against him, and lift up her voice, and wept.
¹⁷And God heard the voice of the lad; and the angel of God called to Hagar out of heaven, and said unto her, What aileth thee, Hagar? fear not; for God hath heard the voice of the lad where he is.
¹⁸Arise, lift up the lad, and hold him in thine hand; for I will make him a great nation.
¹⁹And God opened her eyes, and she saw a well of water; and she went, and filled the bottle with water, and gave the lad drink.
Is it just me or is this not a virtual retelling of the previously told story?

²⁰And God was with the lad; and he grew, and dwelt in the wilderness, and became an archer.
²¹And he dwelt in the wilderness of Paran: and his mother took him a wife out of the land of Egypt.
²²And it came to pass at that time, that Abimelech and Phichol the chief captain of his host spake unto Abraham, saying, God is with thee in all that thou doest:
²³Now therefore swear unto me here by God that thou wilt not deal falsely with me, nor with my son, nor with my son's son: but according to the kindness that I have done unto thee, thou shalt do unto me, and to the land wherein thou hast sojourned.
I am still thinking we have the ramblings of an old man on his death bed.

²⁴And Abraham said, I will swear.
²⁵And Abraham reproved Abimelech because of a well of water, which Abimelech's servants had violently taken away.
²⁶And Abimelech said, I wot not who hath done this thing; neither didst thou tell me, neither yet heard I of it, but to day.
²⁷And Abraham took sheep and oxen, and gave them unto Abimelech; and both of them made a covenant.
²⁸And Abraham set seven ewe lambs of the flock by themselves.
²⁹And Abimelech said unto Abraham, What mean these seven ewe lambs which thou hast set by themselves?
³⁰And he said, For these seven ewe lambs shalt thou take of my hand, that they may be a witness unto me, that I have digged this well.
³¹Wherefore he called that place Beersheba; because there they sware both of them.
³²Thus they made a covenant at Beersheba: then Abimelech rose up, and Phichol the chief captain of his host, and they returned into the land of the Philistines.
³³And Abraham planted a grove in Beersheba, and called there on the name of the LORD, the everlasting God.
⁴And Abraham sojourned in the Philistines' land many days.
Has anyone else noticed how certain number's keep cropping up.
Seven
Twelve
Forty

Genesis 8

¹And God remembered Noah, and every living thing, and all the cattle that was with him in the ark: and God made a wind to pass over the earth, and the waters assuaged;
God forgot Noah ? You would think from his publicity that he was above things like absent mindedness. Mind you that must have been one hell of a fart.
²The fountains also of the deep and the windows of heaven were stopped, and the rain from heaven was restrained;
³And the waters returned from off the earth continually: and after the end of the hundred and fifty days the waters were abated.
⁴And the ark rested in the seventh month, on the seventeenth day of the month, upon the mountains of Ararat.
⁵And the waters decreased continually until the tenth month: in the tenth month, on the first day of the month, were the tops of the mountains seen.
⁶And it came to pass at the end of forty days, that Noah opened the window of the ark which he had made:
I wonder If the stench of the ark prepared them for the fug of our fathers fart. One does wonder that in a watertight environment with all those millions of occupants how .
1. They didn't suffocate.
2.They could see.
⁷And he sent forth a raven, which went forth to and fro, until the waters were dried up from off the earth.
⁸Also he sent forth a dove from him, to see if the waters were abated from off the face of the ground;
⁹But the dove found no rest for the sole of her foot, and she returned unto him into the ark, for the waters were on the face of the whole earth: then he put forth his hand, and took her, and pulled her in unto him into the ark.
Doves and pigeons are known for their "homing " abilities whereas Ravens are not that is assuming it survived IF it was a worldwide flood.
¹⁰And he stayed yet other seven days; and again he sent forth the dove out of the ark;
¹¹And the dove came in to him in the evening; and, lo, in her mouth was an olive leaf pluckt off: so Noah knew that the waters were abated from off the earth.
Must have been either a fast growing or highly resilient olive tree .
¹²And he stayed yet other seven days; and sent forth the dove; which returned not again unto him any more.
¹³And it came to pass in the six hundredth and first year, in the first month, the first day of the month, the waters were dried up from off the earth: and Noah removed the covering of the ark, and looked, and, behold, the face of the ground was dry.
¹⁴And in the second month, on the seven and twentieth day of the month, was the earth dried.
¹⁵And God spake unto Noah, saying,
¹⁶Go forth of the ark, thou, and thy wife, and thy sons, and thy sons' wives with thee.
¹⁷Bring forth with thee every living thing that is with thee, of all flesh, both of fowl, and of cattle, and of every creeping thing that creepeth upon the earth; that they may breed abundantly in the earth, and be fruitful, and multiply upon the earth.
¹⁸And Noah went forth, and his sons, and his wife, and his sons' wives with him:
¹⁹Every beast, every creeping thing, and every fowl, and whatsoever creepeth upon the earth, after their kinds, went forth out of the ark.
²⁰And Noah builded an altar unto the LORD; and took of every clean beast, and of every clean fowl, and offered burnt offerings on the altar.
So after going through months struggling to keep all these things alive, He sacrifices them to the arrogant, absent minded, spiteful twat that has killed all his freinds, destroyed his home, made him his wife and children breath the fetid, fecal, fug in a dark cramped enviorement.
²¹And the LORD smelled a sweet savour; and the LORD said in his heart, I will not again curse the ground any more for man's sake; for the imagination of man's heart is evil from his youth; neither will I again smite any more every thing living, as I have done.
²²While the earth remaineth, seedtime and harvest, and cold and heat, and summer and winter, and day and night shall not cease.
So let's recap
There's this enormous omniscient, omnipotent, omnipresent sky dude who existed before anything was anything.One day before there were days he got bored. So for his own entertainment he.....
1. Creates the universe, Light and dark.
2.Creates the earth , seas and all life on earth.
3.Creates the sun, forgets he has already created man and woman and creates another man. Who is wrongly referred to from now on as the first man. Using this man's newly created naievety, god forces this man to tend a garden, for nothing apart from a restricted diet. He then clones the gardener and performs a sex change on the clone.
4.Gives this newly formed clone for some reason an inability to follow orders, an urge to talk instead of a need to communicate and a shape that makes the man think with a different organ than the brain.
5.Is unaware that another of his creations is undermining his orders.
6.Cannot find the man and his clone.
7.Loses his temper when they follow the instincts he designed.
8.Shows favouritism, and again misses what one or two of a handful of people are doing.
9.Gets upset centuries later because people are not doing what he wanted.
10.Didn't see any of this coming.
11. Consistently blamed man for all of his own fuck ups.
Conclusion

At this time although he was powerful to create the earth and all living things his alleged foresight is strangely lacking otherwise he may have realized he would have been better off creating optometrists, massage parlours and prozac first.
There is much of God in all of humanity, not much humanity in God.

Genesis 7

¹And the LORD said unto Noah, Come thou and all thy house into the ark; for thee have I seen righteous before me in this generation.
²Of every clean beast thou shalt take to thee by sevens, the male and his female: and of beasts that are not clean by two, the male and his female.
³Of fowls also of the air by sevens, the male and the female; to keep seed alive upon the face of all the earth.
⁴For yet seven days, and I will cause it to rain upon the earth forty days and forty nights; and every living substance that I have made will I destroy from off the face of the earth.
Is this saying the ark was conceived, designed, materials ordered, delivered and constructed in seven days ? Even if it was already built it would take a team of navvies on meth to keep up with the build up of crap after the first six hours.Or has the old twat been at it since he was a young lad of a mere 500
⁵And Noah did according unto all that the LORD commanded him.
⁶And Noah was six hundred years old when the flood of waters was upon the earth.
By a six hundred year old man ! I am surprised he could remember his own name.
⁷And Noah went in, and his sons, and his wife, and his sons' wives with him, into the ark, because of the waters of the flood.
⁸Of clean beasts, and of beasts that are not clean, and of fowls, and of every thing that creepeth upon the earth,
All them nooks and crannies bet the were more than two spiders.
⁹There went in two and two unto Noah into the ark, the male and the female, as God had commanded Noah.
From all over the world ? One things for sure they weren’t using TNT or AmEx for shipping.
¹⁰And it came to pass after seven days, that the waters of the flood were upon the earth.
And loaded ?
¹¹In the six hundredth year of Noah's life, in the second month, the seventeenth day of the month, the same day were all the fountains of the great deep broken up, and the windows of heaven were opened.
¹²And the rain was upon the earth forty days and forty nights.
¹³In the selfsame day entered Noah, and Shem, and Ham, and Japheth, the sons of Noah, and Noah's wife, and the three wives of his sons with them, into the ark;
¹⁴They, and every beast after his kind, and all the cattle after their kind, and every creeping thing that creepeth upon the earth after his kind, and every fowl after his kind, every bird of every sort.
¹⁵And they went in unto Noah into the ark, two and two of all flesh, wherein is the breath of life.
¹⁶And they that went in, went in male and female of all flesh, as God had commanded him: and the LORD shut him in.
Is this except the giants ?
¹⁷And the flood was forty days upon the earth; and the waters increased, and bare up the ark, and it was lift up above the earth.
¹⁸And the waters prevailed, and were increased greatly upon the earth; and the ark went upon the face of the waters.
¹⁹And the waters prevailed exceedingly upon the earth; and all the high hills, that were under the whole heaven, were covered.
²⁰Fifteen cubits upward did the waters prevail; and the mountains were covered.
I am sure the Ark had a depth of 30 cubits, loaded up with all those animals would there be enough displacement for it to float. Have Mountains grown ,15 cubits wouldn’t cover the mountains in Norfolk.(England)
²¹And all flesh died that moved upon the earth, both of fowl, and of cattle, and of beast, and of every creeping thing that creepeth upon the earth, and every man:
²²All in whose nostrils was the breath of life, of all that was in the dry land, died.
²³And every living substance was destroyed which was upon the face of the ground, both man, and cattle, and the creeping things, and the fowl of the heaven; and they were destroyed from the earth: and Noah only remained alive, and they that were with him in the ark.
²⁴And the waters prevailed upon the earth an hundred and fifty days.
This is all really dramatic but surely an entity that could wish the universe into existence in seven days, just wish the bad bunnies out of existence or create a disease that only affected the evil things or just made them sterile. Oh sorry I forgot it’s because he gets his jollies from punishment.
Is JHWH some how an ancient word for BDSM ?