Genesis34

Genesis 34

¹And Dinah the daughter of Leah, which she bare unto Jacob, went out to see the daughters of the land.
Or at least thats what she told her family.
²And when Shechem the son of Hamor the Hivite, prince of the country, saw her, he took her, and lay with her, and defiled her.
But....But .... he can't do that !

I mean that their.........

..............their not family.

³And his soul clave unto Dinah the daughter of Jacob, and he loved the damsel, and spake kindly unto the damsel.
Not sure but something suggests we are talking about consensual sex not rape.
⁴And Shechem spake unto his father Hamor, saying, Get me this damsel to wife.
⁵And Jacob heard that he had defiled Dinah his daughter: now his sons were with his cattle in the field: and Jacob held his peace until they were come.
I must be reading that wrong.
⁶And Hamor the father of Shechem went out unto Jacob to commune with him.
⁷And the sons of Jacob came out of the field when they heard it: and the men were grieved, and they were very wroth, because he had wrought folly in Israel in lying with Jacob's daughter: which thing ought not to be done.
Unless they're cousins.
⁸And Hamor communed with them, saying, The soul of my son Shechem longeth for your daughter: I pray you give her him to wife.
⁹And make ye marriages with us, and give your daughters unto us, and take our daughters unto you.
¹⁰And ye shall dwell with us: and the land shall be before you; dwell and trade ye therein, and get you possessions therein.
¹¹And Shechem said unto her father and unto her brethren, Let me find grace in your eyes, and what ye shall say unto me I will give.
¹²Ask me never so much dowry and gift, and I will give according as ye shall say unto me: but give me the damsel to wife.
¹³And the sons of Jacob answered Shechem and Hamor his father deceitfully, and said, because he had defiled Dinah their sister:
And of course because it was their nature to be lying, cheating bastards.
¹⁴And they said unto them, We cannot do this thing, to give our sister to one that is uncircumcised; for that were a reproach unto us:
¹⁵But in this will we consent unto you: If ye will be as we be, that every male of you be circumcised;
¹⁶Then will we give our daughters unto you, and we will take your daughters to us, and we will dwell with you, and we will become one people.
¹⁷But if ye will not hearken unto us, to be circumcised; then will we take our daughter, and we will be gone.
¹⁸And their words pleased Hamor, and Shechem Hamor's son.
¹⁹And the young man deferred not to do the thing, because he had delight in Jacob's daughter: and he was more honourable than all the house of his father.
He can be as honourable as he likes but you can bet Jacob has more than an elbow up his sleeve.
²⁰And Hamor and Shechem his son came unto the gate of their city, and communed with the men of their city, saying,
²¹These men are peaceable with us; therefore let them dwell in the land, and trade therein; for the land, behold, it is large enough for them; let us take their daughters to us for wives, and let us give them our daughters.
Knowing what the women of this family look like I gather the fashion for veils has taken off.
²²Only herein will the men consent unto us for to dwell with us, to be one people, if every male among us be circumcised, as they are circumcised.
Perhaps this is really what the phrase "leave a tip " really means.
²³Shall not their cattle and their substance and every beast of their's be our's? only let us consent unto them, and they will dwell with us.
²⁴And unto Hamor and unto Shechem his son hearkened all that went out of the gate of his city; and every male was circumcised, all that went out of the gate of his city.
²⁵And it came to pass on the third day, when they were sore, that two of the sons of Jacob, Simeon and Levi, Dinah's brethren, took each man his sword, and came upon the city boldly, and slew all the males.

²⁶And they slew Hamor and Shechem his son with the edge of the sword, and took Dinah out of Shechem's house, and went out.
²⁷The sons of Jacob came upon the slain, and spoiled the city, because they had defiled their sister.
Dirty bastards. Snuff sex now and yet sadly no video. So no money to be made there.
²⁸They took their sheep, and their oxen, and their asses, and that which was in the city, and that which was in the field,
Aside from the looting and pillaging of course.
²⁹And all their wealth, and all their little ones, and their wives took they captive, and spoiled even all that was in the house.
And you think you have problem neighbours.
³⁰And Jacob said to Simeon and Levi, Ye have troubled me to make me to stink among the inhabitants of the land, among the Canaanites and the Perizzites: and I being few in number, they shall gather themselves together against me, and slay me; and I shall be destroyed, I and my house.
But has not two of this "few in number" just wiped out the adult male population of a whole city ?
³¹And they said, Should he deal with our sister as with an harlot?
Did anyone mention payment ?

Genesis 21

Genesis 21

¹And the LORD visited Sarah as he had said, and the LORD did unto Sarah as he had spoken.

Is this not yet another begotten son ? How many is that now ? So much for the late great JC as being "gods only begotten son" Or perhaps we are talking of some symbolic bollocks that has yet to be confirmed.
²For Sarah conceived, and bare Abraham a son in his old age, at the set time of which God had spoken to him.
Dec 25 by any chance ?

³And Abraham called the name of his son that was born unto him, whom Sarah bare to him, Isaac.
⁴And Abraham circumcised his son Isaac being eight days old, as God had commanded him.
⁵And Abraham was an hundred years old, when his son Isaac was born unto him.
⁶And Sarah said, God hath made me to laugh, so that all that hear will laugh with me.
No dear "at you"

⁷And she said, Who would have said unto Abraham, that Sarah should have given children suck? for I have born him a son in his old age.
So was born the Idea the Catholic Priesthood holds dearest.

⁸And the child grew, and was weaned: and Abraham made a great feast the same day that Isaac was weaned.
⁹And Sarah saw the son of Hagar the Egyptian, which she had born unto Abraham, mocking.
Be fair, who in their right mind could do anything but mock.

¹⁰Wherefore she said unto Abraham, Cast out this bondwoman and her son: for the son of this bondwoman shall not be heir with my son, even with Isaac.
¹¹And the thing was very grievous in Abraham's sight because of his son.

Nothing to do with the fact that Hagar was still fit and could put on a good show for a stupid senile old man.

¹²And God said unto Abraham, Let it not be grievous in thy sight because of the lad, and because of thy bondwoman; in all that Sarah hath said unto thee, hearken unto her voice; for in Isaac shall thy seed be called.
Any thing for a quite life.

¹³And also of the son of the bondwoman will I make a nation, because he is thy seed.
God changed his plan again ?

¹⁴And Abraham rose up early in the morning, and took bread, and a bottle of water, and gave it unto Hagar, putting it on her shoulder, and the child, and sent her away: and she departed, and wandered in the wilderness of Beersheba.
¹⁵And the water was spent in the bottle, and she cast the child under one of the shrubs.
¹⁶And she went, and sat her down over against him a good way off, as it were a bow shot: for she said, Let me not see the death of the child. And she sat over against him, and lift up her voice, and wept.
¹⁷And God heard the voice of the lad; and the angel of God called to Hagar out of heaven, and said unto her, What aileth thee, Hagar? fear not; for God hath heard the voice of the lad where he is.
¹⁸Arise, lift up the lad, and hold him in thine hand; for I will make him a great nation.
¹⁹And God opened her eyes, and she saw a well of water; and she went, and filled the bottle with water, and gave the lad drink.
Is it just me or is this not a virtual retelling of the previously told story?

²⁰And God was with the lad; and he grew, and dwelt in the wilderness, and became an archer.
²¹And he dwelt in the wilderness of Paran: and his mother took him a wife out of the land of Egypt.
²²And it came to pass at that time, that Abimelech and Phichol the chief captain of his host spake unto Abraham, saying, God is with thee in all that thou doest:
²³Now therefore swear unto me here by God that thou wilt not deal falsely with me, nor with my son, nor with my son's son: but according to the kindness that I have done unto thee, thou shalt do unto me, and to the land wherein thou hast sojourned.
I am still thinking we have the ramblings of an old man on his death bed.

²⁴And Abraham said, I will swear.
²⁵And Abraham reproved Abimelech because of a well of water, which Abimelech's servants had violently taken away.
²⁶And Abimelech said, I wot not who hath done this thing; neither didst thou tell me, neither yet heard I of it, but to day.
²⁷And Abraham took sheep and oxen, and gave them unto Abimelech; and both of them made a covenant.
²⁸And Abraham set seven ewe lambs of the flock by themselves.
²⁹And Abimelech said unto Abraham, What mean these seven ewe lambs which thou hast set by themselves?
³⁰And he said, For these seven ewe lambs shalt thou take of my hand, that they may be a witness unto me, that I have digged this well.
³¹Wherefore he called that place Beersheba; because there they sware both of them.
³²Thus they made a covenant at Beersheba: then Abimelech rose up, and Phichol the chief captain of his host, and they returned into the land of the Philistines.
³³And Abraham planted a grove in Beersheba, and called there on the name of the LORD, the everlasting God.
⁴And Abraham sojourned in the Philistines' land many days.
Has anyone else noticed how certain number's keep cropping up.
Seven
Twelve
Forty

Second Recap

So god decided to wipe the slate clean as he couldn't cope with men being men and killed almost everything in a worldwide flood.
When the waters had subsided plants had survived and there is no mention of a layer of salt covering everything.
Noah and his three sons repopulate the Earth. Build cities. In three generations are unable to speak the same language and are forced to traverse the globe.???
A thousand years or so after the flood god contacts an old man sends him,his nephew and their wives to a mountainous barren land. Finding nothing there they continue to egypt where for some reason a 60+ year old woman is incredibly sexually attractive The Old man is forced to lie about her, introducing her to all and sundry as his sister. Because as we all know ancient Egyptians would rape a wife and kill her husband but leave a brother and sister alone. Continuing with this untruth the old man is able to acquire gold, herds and servants by renting his wife to the Pharaoh.
God in the meantime causes problems for Pharaoh and Egypt as it's their fault Abram is Whoring his wife and is not where he should be.
Pharaoh discovers the deceit and sends them packing back to where they were told to go in the first place.
He pitches a tent which turns into a house. In a ten year period 318 battle hardened ninja's are born in this house, trained and raised to manhood.
Leading this hoard this 86 year old man is able to successfully lead a rescue mission freeing his nephew Lot some gold and incidently some other people as well.
Refusing reward from the King of Sodom he returns home to discover his house has reverted back to a tent.
Here his wife whores out her handmaid so Abram can "father a child"
When this child is thirteen god comes to visit and tells Abraham to follow an Egyptian custom and cut off the foreskin of all the males that he can get his grubby mitts on. This done him and his 90 year old spouse will be fertile. Promising that he will ensure that Abrahams "descendants" become a great nation.
Almost as an afterthought he adds he is off to judge the people of sodom because he feels he is overdue for some smiting.

Conclusion

Either god is ceiling cat playing with humanity in the way a cat plays with a mouse.
Or a number of oral histories have been confused.
Or its the tales of a senile old fool told to anyone will listen as he passed the time on his death bed.

Genesis 17

Genesis 17

¹And when Abram was ninety years old and nine, the LORD appeared to Abram, and said unto him, I am the Almighty God; walk before me, and be thou perfect.

Gods still not got the idea of omniprescience yet has he ?

²And I will make my covenant between me and thee, and will multiply thee exceedingly.

³And Abram fell on his face: and God talked with him, saying,

Uneven ground plus 99 year old man = Old man flat on his face. I could see it coming why couldn't god ?

⁴As for me, behold, my covenant is with thee, and thou shalt be a father of many nations.

⁵Neither shall thy name any more be called Abram, but thy name shall be Abraham; for a father of many nations have I made thee.

⁶And I will make thee exceeding fruitful, and I will make nations of thee, and kings shall come out of thee.

Is it just me but surely poor old Abram could have done with this when he was a tad younger ? About 80 years younger

⁷And I will establish my covenant between me and thee and thy seed after thee in their generations for an everlasting covenant, to be a God unto thee, and to thy seed after thee.

Ah! Now I see he waited till Abram was good and senile so he would just do as he was told and forget about it afterwards. Is "Abraham ancient Hebrew" for Alzheimers by any chance.

⁸And I will give unto thee, and to thy seed after thee, the land wherein thou art a stranger, all the land of Canaan, for an everlasting possession; and I will be their God.

Or else he will get biblical on their arses.

⁹And God said unto Abraham, Thou shalt keep my covenant therefore, thou, and thy seed after thee in their generations.

Repeat threat.

¹⁰This is my covenant, which ye shall keep, between me and you and thy seed after thee; Every man child among you shall be circumcised.

And all it will cost you is the tip of your willie, oh and your dignity.

¹¹And ye shall circumcise the flesh of your foreskin; and it shall be a token of the covenant betwixt me and you.

¹²And he that is eight days old shall be circumcised among you, every man child in your generations, he that is born in the house, or bought with money of any stranger, which is not of thy seed.

Slavery eh ! A token of a kind and loving god who sees equality in all his children.

¹³He that is born in thy house, and he that is bought with thy money, must needs be circumcised: and my covenant shall be in your flesh for an everlasting covenant.

¹⁴And the uncircumcised man child whose flesh of his foreskin is not circumcised, that soul shall be cut off from his people; he hath broken my covenant.

Whether or not he was on speaking terms with anyone from Abraham's family or household.

¹⁵And God said unto Abraham, As for Sarai thy wife, thou shalt not call her name Sarai, but Sarah shall her name be.

¹⁶And I will bless her, and give thee a son also of her: yea, I will bless her, and she shall be a mother of nations; kings of people shall be of her.

Just what a 90 year old woman would want. Besides wouldn't a birthing child be in danger of contracting a lung disease? All that dust and cobwebs.

¹⁷Then Abraham fell upon his face, and laughed, and said in his heart, Shall a child be born unto him that is an hundred years old? and shall Sarah, that is ninety years old, bear?

¹⁸And Abraham said unto God, O that Ishmael might live before thee!

¹⁹And God said, Sarah thy wife shall bear thee a son indeed; and thou shalt call his name Isaac: and I will establish my covenant with him for an everlasting covenant, and with his seed after him.

²⁰And as for Ishmael, I have heard thee: Behold, I have blessed him, and will make him fruitful, and will multiply him exceedingly; twelve princes shall he beget, and I will make him a great nation.

²¹But my covenant will I establish with Isaac, which Sarah shall bear unto thee at this set time in the next year.

²²And he left off talking with him, and God went up from Abraham.

Or on the other hand the poor old sod regained conciousness

²³And Abraham took Ishmael his son, and all that were born in his house, and all that were bought with his money, every male among the men of Abraham's house; and circumcised the flesh of their foreskin in the selfsame day, as God had said unto him.

And no one managed to say what?

²⁴And Abraham was ninety years old and nine, when he was circumcised in the flesh of his foreskin.

His just snapped off.

²⁵And Ishmael his son was thirteen years old, when he was circumcised in the flesh of his foreskin.

²⁶In the selfsame day was Abraham circumcised, and Ishmael his son.

²⁷And all the men of his house, born in the house, and bought with money of the stranger, were circumcised with him.
I am confused was not Ham cursed for seeing his daddies winkie ? So therefore were the circumcisions done blindfolded ?
Couple of questions or maybe just a ramble.
Hagar, Ishmaels mother was Egyptian, The oldest documented evidence for circumcision is from Egypts 6th dynasty(B.C.E2345 - 2181) Was Abram just following the wishes of "his" childs mother ?