Genesis 35

¹And God said unto Jacob, Arise, go up to Bethel, and dwell there: and make there an altar unto God, that appeared unto thee when thou fleddest from the face of Esau thy brother.

I guess god wasn't happy with the lingam he raised for him. Or else his poor memory has made him forget the alter Abram raised for him when he named the place bethel, as it was previously called ..................bethel.

²Then Jacob said unto his household, and to all that were with him, Put away the strange gods that are among you, and be clean, and change your garments:

Of course these aren't "real" gods. These are imaginary gods, as everyone knows you can't touch real gods, you can only touch pretend gods.

Riiight!

³And let us arise, and go up to Bethel; and I will make there an altar unto God, who answered me in the day of my distress, and was with me in the way which I went.

⁴And they gave unto Jacob all the strange gods which were in their hand, and all their earrings which were in their ears; and Jacob hid them under the oak which was by Shechem.

As everyone is aware Jacobs word is his bond.

⁵And they journeyed: and the terror of God was upon the cities that were round about them, and they did not pursue after the sons of Jacob.

Terror of god ?

If it really is "the terror of god" would you not expect a bit more elaboration.

Something like god smote the cities with fire and brimstone, a light breeze or maybe a plague descended from the heavens blighting the populace with the squits, headaches ingrowing toenails, anything give us a clue.

Terror of god,on its own just don't wash!
⁶So Jacob came to Luz, which is in the land of Canaan, that is, Bethel, he and all the people that were with him.

So he arrives at luz calling it bethel which it was known as before Abraham ever went there,even though he named it bethel jacob is on a mission from god to rename the place bethel.

Why when god created the earth did he not create a tree of perfect memory or something to help with this retention problem maybe he did but forgot where he put it.

⁷And he built there an altar, and called the place Elbethel: because there God appeared unto him, when he fled from the face of his brother.

Ah god has seen the romans coming before rome was invented becausethat is Bethel with an Italian accent.
⁸But Deborah, Rebekah's nurse died, and she was buried beneath Bethel under an oak: and the name of it was called Allonbachuth.

So not going to go with Bethel then, fear of god not doing it for you ?

⁹And God appeared unto Jacob again, when he came out of Padanaram, and blessed him.
¹⁰And God said unto him, Thy name is Jacob: thy name shall not be called any more Jacob, but Israel shall be thy name: and he called his name Israel.

Didn't he do this when they had their "Not gay in anyway" all-night "wrestling".
¹¹And God said unto him, I am God Almighty: be fruitful and multiply; a nation and a company of nations shall be of thee, and kings shall come out of thy loins;

Yeah yeah again again, how long is he going to keep promising this to how many generations. Every time the make a start to better themselves god makes them go walkabout and move back in a tent. Perhaps that's why his chosen people live in the middle east he wouldn't have got a Briton to leave a nice warm cave to go traipsing round the country building alters finding cousins to marry and renaming a place by its old name.

¹²And the land which I gave Abraham and Isaac, to thee I will give it, and to thy seed after thee will I give the land.
Fuck! He remembered something.
¹³And God went up from him in the place where he talked with him.
¹⁴And Jacob set up a pillar in the place where he talked with him, even a pillar of stone: and he poured a drink offering thereon, and he poured oil thereon.

Lingham can almost nearly mean standing stone if this family carry on with their erecting there would be a Stonehenge at bethel.

¹⁵And Jacob called the name of the place where God spake with him, Bethel.
¹⁶And they journeyed from Bethel; and there was but a little way to come to Ephrath: and Rachel travailed, and she had hard labour.
¹⁷And it came to pass, when she was in hard labour, that the midwife said unto her, Fear not; thou shalt have this son also.
¹⁸And it came to pass, as her soul was in departing, (for she died) that she called his name Benoni: but his father called him Benjamin.
¹⁹And Rachel died, and was buried in the way to Ephrath, which is Bethlehem.

So Jacob has done what his god asked for him and women you would expect him to care about are dropping like flies.

So the reason for doing gods bidding is ..............?

Or god so enjoyed their "wrestling" he is jealous of Jacobs other "wrestling" partners

²⁰And Jacob set a pillar upon her grave: that is the pillar of Rachel's grave unto this day.

He loves his erections

and so apparently,

does,

god.

²¹And Israel journeyed, and spread his tent beyond the tower of Edar.
²²And it came to pass, when Israel dwelt in that land, that Reuben went and lay with Bilhah his father's concubine: and Israel heard it. Now the sons of Jacob were twelve:
I am assuming that Israel was Jacob not the whole country.
If it was the whole country you can understand how he has got four women, and god lining up that'll prove he was from the wrong side of the blanket.
²³The sons of Leah; Reuben, Jacob's firstborn, and Simeon, and Levi, and Judah, and Issachar, and Zebulun:
²⁴The sons of Rachel; Joseph, and Benjamin:
²⁵And the sons of Bilhah, Rachel's handmaid; Dan, and Naphtali:
²⁶And the sons of Zilpah, Leah's handmaid: Gad, and Asher: these are the sons of Jacob, which were born to him in Padanaram.
²⁷And Jacob came unto Isaac his father unto Mamre, unto the city of Arbah, which is Hebron, where Abraham and Isaac sojourned.
²⁸And the days of Isaac were an hundred and fourscore years.
²⁹And Isaac gave up the ghost, and died, and was gathered unto his people, being old and full of days: and his sons Esau and Jacob buried him.

Genesis 31

Genesis 31

¹And he heard the words of Laban's sons, saying, Jacob hath taken away all that was our father's; and of that which was our father's hath he gotten all this glory.
²And Jacob beheld the countenance of Laban, and, behold, it was not toward him as before.
No shit Sherlock. Laban has just found out his friend and son in law has ripped off his livelihood.
³And the LORD said unto Jacob, Return unto the land of thy fathers, and to thy kindred; and I will be with thee.
So god is supporting the actions of a thief......
Relieving the gullible of funds I wonder where that transposes to modern society.
⁴And Jacob sent and called Rachel and Leah to the field unto his flock,
⁵And said unto them, I see your father's countenance, that it is not toward me as before; but the God of my father hath been with me.
⁶And ye know that with all my power I have served your father.
⁷And your father hath deceived me, and changed my wages ten times; but God suffered him not to hurt me.
10 times ? Once maybe.
⁸If he said thus, The speckled shall be thy wages; then all the cattle bare speckled: and if he said thus, The ringstraked shall be thy hire; then bare all the cattle ringstraked.
⁹Thus God hath taken away the cattle of your father, and given them to me.
Nothing to do with the selective poisoning/mutation/witchcraft or whatever you want to call the ritual with the tree sap from the last chapter.
That or god is a liar and a thief.
¹⁰And it came to pass at the time that the cattle conceived, that I lifted up mine eyes, and saw in a dream, and, behold, the rams which leaped upon the cattle were ringstraked, speckled, and grisled.
Joseph is definately a liar. Perhaps he also lies about talking to god ?
¹¹And the angel of God spake unto me in a dream, saying, Jacob: And I said, Here am I.
In a dream who would have thought it must have been witnessed by oh, nobody.
¹²And he said, Lift up now thine eyes, and see, all the rams which leap upon the cattle are ringstraked, speckled, and grisled: for I have seen all that Laban doeth unto thee.
The god of Adam would have sided with Laban surely, as the precedent he already showed with Cain and Able.
¹³I am the God of Bethel, where thou anointedst the pillar, and where thou vowedst a vow unto me: now arise, get thee out from this land, and return unto the land of thy kindred.
So it's a different God the one that he raised the Lingam to.
¹⁴And Rachel and Leah answered and said unto him, Is there yet any portion or inheritance for us in our father's house?
What ? Women having rights to their father's estate when they have brothers.
¹⁵Are we not counted of him strangers? for he hath sold us, and hath quite devoured also our money.
Women slaves at that.
¹⁶For all the riches which God hath taken from our father, that is ours, and our children's: now then, whatsoever God hath said unto thee, do.
¹⁷Then Jacob rose up, and set his sons and his wives upon camels;
¹⁸And he carried away all his cattle, and all his goods which he had gotten, the cattle of his getting, which he had gotten in Padanaram, for to go to Isaac his father in the land of Canaan.
¹⁹And Laban went to shear his sheep: and Rachel had stolen the images that were her father's.
Images being "household gods"
²⁰And Jacob stole away unawares to Laban the Syrian, in that he told him not that he fled.
²¹So he fled with all that he had; and he rose up, and passed over the river, and set his face toward the mount Gilead.
²²And it was told Laban on the third day that Jacob was fled.
See kiddies how would you like that ? No mobiles.
²³And he took his brethren with him, and pursued after him seven days' journey; and they overtook him in the mount Gilead.
²⁴And God came to Laban the Syrian in a dream by night, and said unto him, Take heed that thou speak not to Jacob either good or bad.
Another dream, must be true.
²⁵Then Laban overtook Jacob. Now Jacob had pitched his tent in the mount: and Laban with his brethren pitched in the mount of Gilead.
²⁶And Laban said to Jacob, What hast thou done, that thou hast stolen away unawares to me, and carried away my daughters, as captives taken with the sword ?
Were they not sold and paid for done dusted and well used. (by more than their owner/husband worthless to anyone else, soiled goods)
²⁷Wherefore didst thou flee away secretly, and steal away from me; and didst not tell me, that I might have sent thee away with mirth, and with songs, with tabret, and with harp?
²⁸And hast not suffered me to kiss my sons and my daughters? thou hast now done foolishly in so doing.
Fair points, nothing so far has suggested otherwise.
²⁹It is in the power of my hand to do you hurt: but the God of your father spake unto me yesternight, saying, Take thou heed that thou speak not to Jacob either good or bad.
³⁰And now, though thou wouldest needs be gone, because thou sore longedst after thy father's house, yet wherefore hast thou stolen my gods?
Now the crux of the matter he cares not about his daughters let alone their handmaids or his grandsons but about his lost household gods. I fucking hate this family, this alone should prove the nonexistance of a benevolent god.
Why ?I hear you ask.
Because if a god was truly benevolent he would have practised his accuracy with lightning bolts at these arseholes they all deserve to die. Painfully slowly and with malice. They have no concepts of love, loyalty or charity if I was to lower myself and become god I would go biblical on the whole family tree, you can't help wonder how much better off the world would be without their genes contaminating the genepool.
³¹And Jacob answered and said to Laban, Because I was afraid: for I said, Peradventure thou wouldest take by force thy daughters from me.
Bullshit.
³²With whomsoever thou findest thy gods, let him not live: before our brethren discern thou what is thine with me, and take it to thee. For Jacob knew not that Rachel had stolen them.
Yes right. Jacobs slave bitch thinking for herself ,I am sure he would have allowed that.
³³And Laban went into Jacob's tent, and into Leah's tent, and into the two maidservants' tents; but he found them not. Then went he out of Leah's tent, and entered into Rachel's tent.
³⁴Now Rachel had taken the images, and put them in the camel's furniture, and sat upon them. And Laban searched all the tent, but found them not.
³⁵And she said to her father, Let it not displease my lord that I cannot rise up before thee; for the custom of women is upon me. And he searched but found not the images.
So the bleeding cunts cunt was bleeding.
³⁶And Jacob was wroth, and chode with Laban: and Jacob answered and said to Laban, What is my trespass? what is my sin, that thou hast so hotly pursued after me?
³⁷Whereas thou hast searched all my stuff, what hast thou found of all thy household stuff? set it here before my brethren and thy brethren, that they may judge betwixt us both.
³⁸This twenty years have I been with thee; thy ewes and thy she goats have not cast their young, and the rams of thy flock have I not eaten.
³⁹That which was torn of beasts I brought not unto thee; I bare the loss of it; of my hand didst thou require it, whether stolen by day, or stolen by night.
⁴⁰Thus I was; in the day the drought consumed me, and the frost by night; and my sleep departed from mine eyes.
⁴¹Thus have I been twenty years in thy house; I served thee fourteen years for thy two daughters, and six years for thy cattle: and thou hast changed my wages ten times.
⁴²Except the God of my father, the God of Abraham, and the fear of Isaac, had been with me, surely thou hadst sent me away now empty. God hath seen mine affliction and the labour of my hands, and rebuked thee yesternight.
⁴³And Laban answered and said unto Jacob, These daughters are my daughters, and these children are my children, and these cattle are my cattle, and all that thou seest is mine: and what can I do this day unto these my daughters, or unto their children which they have born?
⁴⁴Now therefore come thou, let us make a covenant, I and thou; and let it be for a witness between me and thee.
⁴⁵And Jacob took a stone, and set it up for a pillar.

⁴⁶And Jacob said unto his brethren, Gather stones; and they took stones, and made an heap: and they did eat there upon the heap.
⁴⁷And Laban called it Jegarsahadutha: but Jacob called it Galeed.
⁴⁸And Laban said, This heap is a witness between me and thee this day. Therefore was the name of it called Galeed;
More substantial than a dream.
⁴⁹And Mizpah; for he said, The LORD watch between me and thee, when we are absent one from another.
⁵⁰If thou shalt afflict my daughters, or if thou shalt take other wives beside my daughters, no man is with us; see, God is witness betwixt me and thee.
⁵¹And Laban said to Jacob, Behold this heap, and behold this pillar, which I have cast betwixt me and thee:
⁵²This heap be witness, and this pillar be witness, that I will not pass over this heap to thee, and that thou shalt not pass over this heap and this pillar unto me, for harm.
So did Jacob worship Shiva ?
⁵³The God of Abraham, and the God of Nahor, the God of their father, judge betwixt us. And Jacob sware by the fear of his father Isaac.
⁵⁴Then Jacob offered sacrifice upon the mount, and called his brethren to eat bread: and they did eat bread, and tarried all night in the mount.
⁵⁵And early in the morning Laban rose up, and kissed his sons and his daughters, and blessed them: and Laban departed, and returned unto his place.

Genesis 29

<sup>Genesis 29


1</sup>Then Jacob went on his journey, and came into the land of the people of the east.
And like any horny young lad he made straight for the local watering hole.
²And he looked, and behold a well in the field, and, lo, there were three flocks of sheep lying by it; for out of that well they watered the flocks: and a great stone was upon the well's mouth.
³And thither were all the flocks gathered: and they rolled the stone from the well's mouth, and watered the sheep, and put the stone again upon the well's mouth in his place.
⁴And Jacob said unto them, My brethren, whence be ye? And they said, Of Haran are we.
⁵And he said unto them, Know ye Laban the son of Nahor? And they said, We know him.Laban the son of Nahor? WTF. Were we not just told Laban, son of Bethuel the Syrian ? Either this translator was crap or some scribe is full of shit !
⁶And he said unto them, Is he well? And they said, He is well: and, behold, Rachel his daughter cometh with the sheep.
Like a badly scripted soap opera isn't it

⁷And he said, Lo, it is yet high day, neither is it time that the cattle should be gathered together: water ye the sheep, and go and feed them.
⁸And they said, We cannot, until all the flocks be gathered together, and till they roll the stone from the well's mouth; then we water the sheep.
⁹And while he yet spake with them, Rachel came with her father's sheep; for she kept them.
¹⁰And it came to pass, when Jacob saw Rachel the daughter of Laban his mother's brother, and the sheep of Laban his mother's brother, that Jacob went near, and rolled the stone from the well's mouth, and watered the flock of Laban his mother's brother.
¹¹And Jacob kissed Rachel, and lifted up his voice, and wept.
Hey steady on there boy she's not one of your goats. Talking first, a bit of conversation, woo her not just grab her arse and stick your tongue down her throat.
¹²And Jacob told Rachel that he was her father's brother, and that he was Rebekah's son: and she ran and told her father.
I am beginning to wonder whether some scribe at some time with failing eyesight and failing memory had lost his place and just started writing again when he found a word he recognised because again we have too much coincidence.
¹³And it came to pass, when Laban heard the tidings of Jacob his sister's son, that he ran to meet him, and embraced him, and kissed him, and brought him to his house. And he told Laban all these things.
¹⁴And Laban said to him, Surely thou art my bone and my flesh. And he abode with him the space of a month.
¹⁵And Laban said unto Jacob, Because thou art my brother, shouldest thou therefore serve me for nought? tell me, what shall thy wages be?
¹⁶And Laban had two daughters: the name of the elder was Leah, and the name of the younger was Rachel.
¹⁷Leah was tender eyed; but Rachel was beautiful and well favoured.
¹⁸And Jacob loved Rachel; and said, I will serve thee seven years for Rachel thy younger daughter.
She was taller than a goat,
Less hairy than a goat,
but smelt about the same nonetheless .
¹⁹And Laban said, It is better that I give her to thee, than that I should give her to another man: abide with me.
²⁰And Jacob served seven years for Rachel; and they seemed unto him but a few days, for the love he had to her.
Jacob should have brought the servant that acquired his mother, He certainly isn'tany good at bargaining.Or perhaps he didn't bring him for that reason.
²¹And Jacob said unto Laban, Give me my wife, for my days are fulfilled, that I may go in unto her.
²²And Laban gathered together all the men of the place, and made a feast.
²³And it came to pass in the evening, that he took Leah his daughter, and brought her to him; and he went in unto her.
²⁴And Laban gave unto his daughter Leah Zilpah his maid for an handmaid.
²⁵And it came to pass, that in the morning, behold, it was Leah: and he said to Laban, What is this thou hast done unto me? did not I serve with thee for Rachel? wherefore then hast thou beguiled me?
Jacob listen, conversation first, wooing , foreplay, do not just slam in the lamb as if she was a goat.I know you've been waiting seven years but at least have enough respect to ask"with whom am I haveing the pleasure.
²⁶And Laban said, It must not be so done in our country, to give the younger before the firstborn.
So jacobs been doing whatever he's been doing for Laban for seven years and he palms him of with the ugly one. How do I know she is ugly ? Because she hasn't been palmed off on anyone else in seven years.
²⁷Fulfil her week, and we will give thee this also for the service which thou shalt serve with me yet seven other years.
²⁸And Jacob did so, and fulfilled her week: and he gave him Rachel his daughter to wife also.
²⁹And Laban gave to Rachel his daughter Bilhah his handmaid to be her maid.
³⁰And he went in also unto Rachel, and he loved also Rachel more than Leah, and served with him yet seven other years.
³¹And when the LORD saw that Leah was hated, he opened her womb: but Rachel was barren.
Or because Jacob was rogering Rachel repetitively Leah was selling her wares down at the Temple.
³²And Leah conceived, and bare a son, and she called his name Reuben: for she said, Surely the LORD hath looked upon my affliction; now therefore my husband will love me.
As I pointed out earlier a Temple prostitution pregnancy was seen as a gift from god.
³³And she conceived again, and bare a son; and said, Because the LORD hath heard I was hated, he hath therefore given me this son also: and she called his name Simeon.
³⁴And she conceived again, and bare a son; and said, Now this time will my husband be joined unto me, because I have born him three sons: therefore was his name called Levi.³⁵And she conceived again, and bare a son: and she said, Now will I praise the LORD: therefore she called his name Judah; and left bearing.

Sudden stop there is there a page missing ? Did the scribe suffer a heart attack ?
She left bearing what?