Answers in Genesis

Fuck me I nearly slashed my wrist's, the fucking tedium of trawling through what amounts to a couple of fairy tales loosely cobbled together with lists of people that today would be locked away in a soft walled cell.
Answers in genesis, are there any? Yes! Shocked, don't be, the answers in genesis, are the answers to the following questions.

1. Did some people in ancient Canaan spend too much time in the sun ?
   
2. Did they sit around campfires getting shitfaced telling each other bullshit stories ?
   
3. Were they averse to some man on man loving ?
   
4. Were Wives and Daughters equal in status to livestock ?
   
5. Was it Ok to whore out the said Wives, Daughters and Widows of family members ?
   
6. Was killing an unwanted suitor acceptable practice ?
   
7. Is incest acceptable in polite society?
8. Is the Idea of god the product of a seriously deranged imagination ?
9. Could you get, feed and keep specimens of the worlds animal population in your local kwik E mart for ten month's ?
10. Has modern science discovered anything that some uneducated camel shagger may not of been aware of 6,000 years ago ?
11. Was there an astrological base for the judean /christian/islamic/mormon mythos ?
    

If these are the questions you are asking yes the answers are there. If however your questions are where did the universe/man/animals etc. come from. then you are as bat shit crazy as the lunatic family we have just been reading about.

Genesis 46

Genesis 46

¹And Israel took his journey with all that he had, and came to Beersheba, and offered sacrifices unto the God of his father Isaac.

Children ? or just an oiled erection.

²And God spake unto Israel in the visions of the night, and said, Jacob, Jacob. And he said, Here am I.
³And he said, I am God, the God of thy father: fear not to go down into Egypt; for I will there make of thee a great nation:
⁴I will go down with thee into Egypt; and I will also surely bring thee up again: and Joseph shall put his hand upon thine eyes.

Dreams by any other name, or perhaps ergot was growing on the grain/bread

⁵And Jacob rose up from Beersheba: and the sons of Israel carried Jacob their father, and their little ones, and their wives, in the wagons which Pharaoh had sent to carry him.
⁶And they took their cattle, and their goods, which they had gotten in the land of Canaan, and came into Egypt, Jacob, and all his seed with him:
⁷His sons, and his sons' sons with him, his daughters, and his sons' daughters, and all his seed brought he with him into Egypt.
⁸And these are the names of the children of Israel, which came into Egypt, Jacob and his sons: Reuben, Jacob's firstborn.

Fuck here we go again. Yet another fucking list of mostly irrelevant names just to bore the tits off you.

⁹And the sons of Reuben; Hanoch, and Phallu, and Hezron, and Carmi.
¹⁰And the sons of Simeon; Jemuel, and Jamin, and Ohad, and Jachin, and Zohar, and Shaul the son of a Canaanitish woman.

I,m surprised she and her son got a mention you can't call them family.

¹¹And the sons of Levi; Gershon, Kohath, and Merari.
¹²And the sons of Judah; Er, and Onan, and Shelah, and Pharez, and Zarah: but Er and Onan died in the land of Canaan. And the sons of Pharez were Hezron and Hamul.
¹³And the sons of Issachar; Tola, and Phuvah, and Job, and Shimron.
¹⁴And the sons of Zebulun; Sered, and Elon, and Jahleel.
¹⁵These be the sons of Leah, which she bare unto Jacob in Padanaram, with his daughter Dinah: all the souls of his sons and his daughters were thirty and three.
¹⁶And the sons of Gad; Ziphion, and Haggi, Shuni, and Ezbon, Eri, and Arodi, and Areli.
¹⁷And the sons of Asher; Jimnah, and Ishuah, and Isui, and Beriah, and Serah their sister: and the sons of Beriah; Heber, and Malchiel.
¹⁸These are the sons of Zilpah, whom Laban gave to Leah his daughter, and these she bare unto Jacob, even sixteen souls.
¹⁹The sons of Rachel Jacob's wife; Joseph, and Benjamin.
²⁰And unto Joseph in the land of Egypt were born Manasseh and Ephraim, which Asenath the daughter of Potipherah priest of On bare unto him.
²¹And the sons of Benjamin were Belah, and Becher, and Ashbel, Gera, and Naaman, Ehi, and Rosh, Muppim, and Huppim, and Ard.
²²These are the sons of Rachel, which were born to Jacob: all the souls were fourteen.
²³And the sons of Dan; Hushim.
²⁴And the sons of Naphtali; Jahzeel, and Guni, and Jezer, and Shillem.
²⁵These are the sons of Bilhah, which Laban gave unto Rachel his daughter, and she bare these unto Jacob: all the souls were seven.
²⁶All the souls that came with Jacob into Egypt, which came out of his loins, besides Jacob's sons' wives, all the souls were threescore and six;

Sixty six Hasn't got 600 servants with them too by any chance.

²⁷And the sons of Joseph, which were born him in Egypt, were two souls: all the souls of the house of Jacob, which came into Egypt, were threescore and ten.

So Jacob had TWELVE sons and the total of the whole herd was SEVEN...TY

²⁸And he sent Judah before him unto Joseph, to direct his face unto Goshen; and they came into the land of Goshen.
²⁹And Joseph made ready his chariot, and went up to meet Israel his father, to Goshen, and presented himself unto him; and he fell on his neck, and wept on his neck a good while.

Something to me just isn't right about father and son necking.

³⁰And Israel said unto Joseph, Now let me die, since I have seen thy face, because thou art yet alive.
³¹And Joseph said unto his brethren, and unto his father's house, I will go up, and shew Pharaoh, and say unto him, My brethren, and my father's house, which were in the land of Canaan, are come unto me;
³²And the men are shepherds, for their trade hath been to feed cattle; and they have brought their flocks, and their herds, and all that they have.
³³And it shall come to pass, when Pharaoh shall call you, and shall say, What is your occupation?

If they were honest they would answer....

...con artists, thieves, liars and parasites.

But instead.

³⁴That ye shall say, Thy servants' trade hath been about cattle from our youth even until now, both we, and also our fathers: that ye may dwell in the land of Goshen; for every shepherd is an abomination unto the Egyptians.

Genesis 45

Genesis 45

¹Then Joseph could not refrain himself before all them that stood by him; and he cried, Cause every man to go out from me. And there stood no man with him, while Joseph made himself known unto his brethren.

At last! would it not have been easier to be truthful in the first place ?

²And he wept aloud: and the Egyptians and the house of Pharaoh heard.
³And Joseph said unto his brethren, I am Joseph; doth my father yet live? And his brethren could not answer him; for they were troubled at his presence.

⁴And Joseph said unto his brethren, Come near to me, I pray you. And they came near. And he said, I am Joseph your brother, whom ye sold into Egypt.

⁵Now therefore be not grieved, nor angry with yourselves, that ye sold me hither: for God did send me before you to preserve life.
⁶For these two years hath the famine been in the land: and yet there are five years, in the which there shall neither be earing nor harvest.
e befor⁷And God sent me you to preserve you a posterity in the earth, and to save your lives by a great deliverance.

And to think they had to test mummies to find evidence of hard drugs in ancient Egypt when it was here all the time.

⁸So now it was not you that sent me hither, but God: and he hath made me a father to Pharaoh, and lord of all his house, and a ruler throughout all the land of Egypt.

Overuse of mind expanding substances or maybe too much sun.

⁹Haste ye, and go up to my father, and say unto him, Thus saith thy son Joseph, God hath made me lord of all Egypt: come down unto me, tarry not:
¹⁰And thou shalt dwell in the land of Goshen, and thou shalt be near unto me, thou, and thy children, and thy children's children, and thy flocks, and thy herds, and all that thou hast:
¹¹And there will I nourish thee; for yet there are five years of famine; lest thou, and thy household, and all that thou hast, come to poverty.

Which is to say "Fuck the rest of Egypt as long as my double dealing, disgusting untrustworthy family is ok." As they are stuck over in Canaan starving to death as all they have to eat is "best fruits and a little honey, spices, and myrrh, nuts, and almonds:"not to mention sheep goats and cows and fish, and if they ran short of them I wouldn't put it past them to tuck into the help.

¹²And, behold, your eyes see, and the eyes of my brother Benjamin, that it is my mouth that speaketh unto you.
¹³And ye shall tell my father of all my glory in Egypt, and of all that ye have seen; and ye shall haste and bring down my father hither.
¹⁴And he fell upon his brother Benjamin's neck, and wept; and Benjamin wept upon his neck.
¹⁵Moreover he kissed all his brethren, and wept upon them: and after that his brethren talked with him.

Joseph is gayer than Elton Johns flower arranger.
Did they have a word for fellatio ?

¹⁶And the fame thereof was heard in Pharaoh's house, saying, Joseph's brethren are come: and it pleased Pharaoh well, and his servants.

Just what he wanted, another drain on his resources.

¹⁷And Pharaoh said unto Joseph, Say unto thy brethren, This do ye; lade your beasts, and go, get you unto the land of Canaan;
¹⁸And take your father and your households, and come unto me: and I will give you the good of the land of Egypt, and ye shall eat the fat of the land.

¹⁹Now thou art commanded, this do ye; take you wagons out of the land of Egypt for your little ones, and for your wives, and bring your father, and come.

Is it any wonder you cant pin a time frame on any of this ?

²⁰Also regard not your stuff; for the good of all the land of Egypt is your's.

Yup screw the people that worked to seed and gather the surplus grain.After all no one is going to notice a dozen hebrews, plus wives, children and fuck knows how many servants and servants children.

²¹And the children of Israel did so: and Joseph gave them wagons, according to the commandment of Pharaoh, and gave them provision for the way.

²²To all of them he gave each man changes of raiment; but to Benjamin he gave three hundred pieces of silver, and five changes of raiment.

Hey earliest record of a rent boy being paid for his services.

²³And to his father he sent after this manner; ten asses laden with the good things of Egypt, and ten she asses laden with corn and bread and meat for his father by the way.

Cos he knows how much his dad likes his meat.........

.....sammiches

²⁴So he sent his brethren away, and they departed: and he said unto them, See that ye fall not out by the way.
²⁵And they went up out of Egypt, and came into the land of Canaan unto Jacob their father,
²⁶And told him, saying, Joseph is yet alive, and he is governor over all the land of Egypt. And Jacob's heart fainted, for he believed them not.

Just his heart ?

²⁷And they told him all the words of Joseph, which he had said unto them: and when he saw the wagons which Joseph had sent to carry him, the spirit of Jacob their father revived:
²⁸And Israel said, It is enough; Joseph my son is yet alive: I will go and see him before I die.

Genesis 44

Genesis 44

¹And he commanded the steward of his house, saying, Fill the men's sacks with food, as much as they can carry, and put every man's money in his sack's mouth.
²And put my cup, the silver cup, in the sack's mouth of the youngest, and his corn money. And he did according to the word that Joseph had spoken.
³As soon as the morning was light, the men were sent away, they and their asses.

You would check wouldn't you ? Caught out once sure, but the same trick again ?

⁴And when they were gone out of the city, and not yet far off, Joseph said unto his steward, Up, follow after the men; and when thou dost overtake them, say unto them, Wherefore have ye rewarded evil for good?
⁵Is not this it in which my lord drinketh, and whereby indeed he divineth? ye have done evil in so doing.
⁶And he overtook them, and he spake unto them these same words.
⁷And they said unto him, Wherefore saith my lord these words? God forbid that thy servants should do according to this thing:

Anyone else woul have said " Hey! You fuckin' with us again, you've gone and done stowed some shit in our sacks again."
But No.

⁸Behold, the money, which we found in our sacks' mouths, we brought again unto thee out of the land of Canaan: how then should we steal out of thy lord's house silver or gold?

And to compound it they say.

⁹With whomsoever of thy servants it be found, both let him die, and we also will be my lord's bondmen.

¹⁰And he said, Now also let it be according unto your words: he with whom it is found shall be my servant; and ye shall be blameless.
¹¹Then they speedily took down every man his sack to the ground, and opened every man his sack.

You would have thought they would have caught on by now but I suppose they didn't even trust each other, would you?

¹²And he searched, and began at the eldest, and left at the youngest: and the cup was found in Benjamin's sack.
¹³Then they rent their clothes, and laded every man his ass, and returned to the city.

Poor old Jacob I'll bet he's run out of his bread for his sammiches now.

¹⁴And Judah and his brethren came to Joseph's house; for he was yet there: and they fell before him on the ground.
¹⁵And Joseph said unto them, What deed is this that ye have done? wot ye not that such a man as I can certainly divine?

Which is to say"Y'all is thievin' bastards.

¹⁶And Judah said, What shall we say unto my lord? what shall we speak? or how shall we clear ourselves? God hath found out the iniquity of thy servants: behold, we are my lord's servants, both we, and he also with whom the cup is found.

Which is to say "No shit Sherlock we is descended from Abraham and can't be trusted.

¹⁷And he said, God forbid that I should do so: but the man in whose hand the cup is found, he shall be my servant; and as for you, get you up in peace unto your father.

I'll bet his yearning bowels can feel satisfaction acomin'

¹⁸Then Judah came near unto him, and said, Oh my lord, let thy servant, I pray thee, speak a word in my lord's ears, and let not thine anger burn against thy servant: for thou art even as Pharaoh.

Can I suck up to you boss?
and we will summon a flashback.
Waynes world Waynes world Waynes world.

¹⁹My lord asked his servants, saying, Have ye a father, or a brother?
²⁰And we said unto my lord, We have a father, an old man, and a child of his old age, a little one; and his brother is dead, and he alone is left of his mother, and his father loveth him.
²¹And thou saidst unto thy servants, Bring him down unto me, that I may set mine eyes upon him.
²²And we said unto my lord, The lad cannot leave his father: for if he should leave his father, his father would die.
²³And thou saidst unto thy servants, Except your youngest brother come down with you, ye shall see my face no more.
²⁴And it came to pass when we came up unto thy servant my father, we told him the words of my lord.

Flashbacks are always shorter why does this one seem twice as fucking long ?

²⁵And our father said, Go again, and buy us a little food.
²⁶And we said, We cannot go down: if our youngest brother be with us, then will we go down: for we may not see the man's face, except our youngest brother be with us.
²⁷And thy servant my father said unto us, Ye know that my wife bare me two sons:
²⁸And the one went out from me, and I said, Surely he is torn in pieces; and I saw him not since:
²⁹And if ye take this also from me, and mischief befall him, ye shall bring down my gray hairs with sorrow to the grave.
³⁰Now therefore when I come to thy servant my father, and the lad be not with us; seeing that his life is bound up in the lad's life;

He hasn't even mentioned that his sons lives are forfeit if he doesn't bring him back.

³¹It shall come to pass, when he seeth that the lad is not with us, that he will die: and thy servants shall bring down the gray hairs of thy servant our father with sorrow to the grave.
³²For thy servant became surety for the lad unto my father, saying, If I bring him not unto thee, then I shall bear the blame to my father for ever.
³³Now therefore, I pray thee, let thy servant abide instead of the lad a bondman to my lord; and let the lad go up with his brethren.
³⁴For how shall I go up to my father, and the lad be not with me? lest peradventure I see the evil that shall come on my father.

Genesis 43

¹And the famine was sore in the land.
²And it came to pass, when they had eaten up the corn which they had brought out of Egypt, their father said unto them, Go again, buy us a little food.

What ? They haven't gone straight back to retrieve their brother.

Fuck me with an armadillo's arm. As far as Jacob is concerned his son is rotting in an Egyptian prison and he has not even tried to go to Egypt until he can see himself getting hungry.

³And Judah spake unto him, saying, The man did solemnly protest unto us, saying, Ye shall not see my face, except your brother be with you.
⁴If thou wilt send our brother with us, we will go down and buy thee food:

So starving isn't really an issue, Jacob just wants grain to make bread cos' he luv's his sammiches.

⁵But if thou wilt not send him, we will not go down: for the man said unto us, Ye shall not see my face, except your brother be with you.

As Jacob/Israel had not sent any women to Egypt last time to blame he turned on Judah.

⁶And Israel said, Wherefore dealt ye so ill with me, as to tell the man whether ye had yet a brother?

Cos' it was all Judah's fault. Besides the magic number twelve wouldn't have been there.

⁷And they said, The man asked us straitly of our state, and of our kindred, saying, Is your father yet alive? have ye another brother? and we told him according to the tenor of these words: could we certainly know that he would say, Bring your brother down?

See, besmirched the family name. They were honest, never in more than three generations has any of this family been honest except to point the finger and say "Hedidit!"

⁸And Judah said unto Israel his father, Send the lad with me, and we will arise and go; that we may live, and not die, both we, and thou, and also our little ones.
⁹I will be surety for him; of my hand shalt thou require him: if I bring him not unto thee, and set him before thee, then let me bear the blame for ever:
¹⁰For except we had lingered, surely now we had returned this second time.

¹¹And their father Israel said unto them, If it must be so now, do this; take of the in the land in your vessels, and carry down the man a present, a little balm, best fruits and a little honey, spices, and myrrh, nuts, and almonds:

So tell me again about this famine in Canaan. With this much Bullshit about the land should have had no fertility problems.

¹²And take double money in your hand; and the money that was brought again in the mouth of your sacks, carry it again in your hand; peradventure it was an oversight:

Careful that sounds like the decent thing to do, Will the family reputation ever recover.

¹³Take also your brother, and arise, go again unto the man:
¹⁴And God Almighty give you mercy before the man, that he may send away your other brother, and Benjamin. If I be bereaved of my children, I am bereaved.

Just hurry up I want my sammich.

¹⁵And the men took that present, and they took double money in their hand and Benjamin; and rose up, and went down to Egypt, and stood before Joseph.
¹⁶And when Joseph saw Benjamin with them, he said to the ruler of his house, Bring these men home, and slay, and make ready; for these men shall dine with me at noon.
¹⁷And the man did as Joseph bade; and the man brought the men into Joseph's house.
¹⁸And the men were afraid, because they were brought into Joseph's house; and they said, Because of the money that was returned in our sacks at the first time are we brought in; that he may seek occasion against us, and fall upon us, and take us for bondmen, and our asses.
¹⁹And they came near to the steward of Joseph's house, and they communed with him at the door of the house,

I can't help feeling this is gonna be good.

²⁰And said, O sir, we came indeed down at the first time to buy food:
²¹And it came to pass, when we came to the inn, that we opened our sacks, and, behold, every man's money was in the mouth of his sack, our money in full weight: and we have brought it again in our hand.

Cos' we couldn't be arsed to return when we had full sacks and full bellies.

²²And other money have we brought down in our hands to buy food: we cannot tell who put our money in our sacks.

Honest Guv.

²³And he said, Peace be to you, fear not: your God, and the God of your father, hath given you treasure in your sacks: I had your money. And he brought Simeon out unto them.

²⁴And the man brought the men into Joseph's house, and gave them water, and they washed their feet; and he gave their asses provender.

I bet that doesn't mean what it looks like

²⁵And they made ready the present against Joseph came at noon: for they heard that they should eat bread there.

Jacob should have come, he's missing out on his sammiches.

²⁶And when Joseph came home, they brought him the present which was in their hand into the house, and bowed themselves to him to the earth.
²⁷And he asked them of their welfare, and said, Is your father well, the old man of whom ye spake? Is he yet alive?
²⁸And they answered, Thy servant our father is in good health, he is yet alive. And they bowed down their heads, and made obeisance.
²⁹And he lifted up his eyes, and saw his brother Benjamin, his mother's son, and said, Is this your younger brother, of whom ye spake unto me? And he said, God be gracious unto thee, my son.

³⁰And Joseph made haste; for his bowels did yearn upon his brother: and he sought where to weep; and he entered into his chamber, and wept there.

My mistake "gave their asses provender." must've meant what I thought it did.

³¹And he washed his face, and went out, and refrained himself, and said, Set on bread.

³²And they set on for him by himself, and for them by themselves, and for the Egyptians, which did eat with him, by themselves: because the Egyptians might not eat bread with the Hebrews; for that is an abomination unto the Egyptians.

From the laws of Horus

Let no Egyptian partake of food or break bread with the Hebrew, This has been the proclamation of all the gods of heaven. Else this shall ye know as it is known in heaven that the Hebrew are dirty cunts at the dinner table.

Ok I made that up but I feel I am in good company.

³³And they sat before him, the first born according to his birthright, and the youngest according to his youth: and the men marvelled one at another.³⁴And he took and sent messes unto them from before him: but Benjamin's mess was five times so much as any of their's. And they drank, and were merry with him.

Honest I made that up before I read the last couple of lines I didn't know they were really dirty cunts.