Genesis 19

Genesis 19

1And there came two angels to Sodom at even; and Lot sat in the gate of Sodom: and Lot seeing them rose up to meet them; and he bowed himself with his face toward the ground;
Angels ? With the white dress and wings and everything !
2And he said, Behold now, my lords, turn in, I pray you, into your servant's house, and tarry all night, and wash your feet, and ye shall rise up early, and go on your ways. And they said, Nay; but we will abide in the street all night.
They's come cruising.
3And he pressed upon them greatly; and they turned in unto him, and entered into his house; and he made them a feast, and did bake unleavened bread, and they did eat.
Angels changing their mind, not just doing god's will. You really sure they are really angels.
4But before they lay down, the men of the city, even the men of Sodom, compassed the house round, both old and young, all the people from every quarter:
5And they called unto Lot, and said unto him, Where are the men which came in to thee this night? bring them out unto us, that we may know them.
6And Lot went out at the door unto them, and shut the door after him,
7And said, I pray you, brethren, do not so wickedly.
But surely if they were angels they could fly away or throw thunderbolts or something.
8Behold now, I have two daughters which have not known man; let me, I pray you, bring them out unto you, and do ye to them as is good in your eyes: only unto these men do nothing; for therefore came they under the shadow of my roof.
Again angels should be able to protect themselves and what kind of father would offer his daughters like that ? Then again seeing how well his uncle did from whoring out his old hag a couple of young babes must have looked well profitable,It don't say he wasn't gonna charge.
9And they said, Stand back. And they said again, This one fellow came in to sojourn, and he will needs be a judge: now will we deal worse with thee, than with them. And they pressed sore upon the man, even Lot, and came near to break the door.
10But the men put forth their hand, and pulled Lot into the house to them, and shut to the door.
11And they smote the men that were at the door of the house with blindness, both small and great: so that they wearied themselves to find the door.
See they can protect themselves,aerosol blindness spray for arseholes.
12And the men said unto Lot, Hast thou here any besides? son in law, and thy sons, and thy daughters, and whatsoever thou hast in the city, bring them out of this place:
Now these angels are men ? Make up your mind.
13For we will destroy this place, because the cry of them is waxen great before the face of the LORD; and the LORD hath sent us to destroy it.
14And Lot went out, and spake unto his sons in law, which married his daughters, and said, Up, get you out of this place; for the LORD will destroy this city. But he seemed as one that mocked unto his sons in law.
I thought it just said his daughters hadn't had any.
15And when the morning arose, then the angels hastened Lot, saying, Arise, take thy wife, and thy two daughters, which are here; lest thou be consumed in the iniquity of the city.
16And while he lingered, the men laid hold upon his hand, and upon the hand of his wife, and upon the hand of his two daughters; the LORD being merciful unto him: and they brought him forth, and set him without the city.
Is that saying they were beamed outside the city ?
17And it came to pass, when they had brought them forth abroad, that he said, Escape for thy life; look not behind thee, neither stay thou in all the plain; escape to the mountain, lest thou be consumed.
So given de lawds reputation Lot hightailed it outta there.
18And Lot said unto them, Oh, not so, my LORD:
So Lot couldn't have really thought this lord was that lord so this lord was a different lord, probably one of the kings mentioned in gen14:1
19Behold now, thy servant hath found grace in thy sight, and thou hast magnified thy mercy, which thou hast shewed unto me in saving my life; and I cannot escape to the mountain, lest some evil take me, and I die:
Then again I think he 's just an argumentative little shit. Even though this lord wasn't that lord he was still a king and therefore you would have expected a lowly herdsman's nephew to be obedient wouldn't you?
20Behold now, this city is near to flee unto, and it is a little one: Oh, let me escape thither, (is it not a little one?) and my soul shall live.
Jeeez he's pissing me off .Do as you're told already!
21And he said unto him, See, I have accepted thee concerning this thing also, that I will not overthrow this city, for the which thou hast spoken.
With this much bullshit flying how could he see another city.
22Haste thee, escape thither; for I cannot do anything till thou be come thither. Therefore the name of the city was called Zoar.
So Lot is being protected ! ????
I don't get this

1. Lot is taken prisoner from a walled city. By an unknown hostile force.
2. Lot is rescued and returns to the same city.
3. He is then visited by "angels" which tell him to get the fuck out
4. He then is told to go to safety
5. Yet goes to another city at odds with whatever king is doing the attacking

Perhaps we need to look at a different way and fill in some gaps

1. Lot is escorted to an assignation. Deals are struck between Abram,Lot and a King.
2. Lot returns on a mission from god.
3. Agents arrive and meet with Lot. The Sodom militia caught on to the spies and wanted to question them.
4. Lot tries and succeeds in buying the spies freedom with his daughters as they were allowed to leave.
5. Lot then goes off to spy in another city.

I know this is really reading between the lines but I think it makes far more sense than making a gay gangbang out of know you.
23The sun was risen upon the earth when Lot entered into Zoar.
24Then the LORD rained upon Sodom and upon Gomorrah brimstone and fire from the LORD out of heaven;
This could be a king laying siege.
25And he overthrew those cities, and all the plain, and all the inhabitants of the cities, and that which grew upon the ground.
26But his wife looked back from behind him, and she became a pillar of salt.
Can also be translated as vaporised. Bitumen burns like a bastard.
27And Abraham gat up early in the morning to the place where he stood before the LORD:
28And he looked toward Sodom and Gomorrah, and toward all the land of the plain, and beheld, and, lo, the smoke of the country went up as the smoke of a furnace.
And they didn't have Red Adaire back then.
29And it came to pass, when God destroyed the cities of the plain, that God remembered Abraham, and sent Lot out of the midst of the overthrow, when he overthrew the cities in the which Lot dwelt.
Fits with the furtive fellow flitting flats.
30And Lot went up out of Zoar, and dwelt in the mountain, and his two daughters with him; for he feared to dwell in Zoar: and he dwelt in a cave, he and his two daughters.
They sussed him out.
31And the firstborn said unto the younger, Our father is old, and there is not a man in the earth to come in unto us after the manner of all the earth:
32Come, let us make our father drink wine, and we will lie with him, that we may preserve seed of our father.
I know teenage girls can be stupid, especially when they have had a drink but none I know are that stupid. I do know one that becomes a crap lesbian after a few drinks but none that turn incestuous.
33And they made their father drink wine that night: and the firstborn went in, and lay with her father; and he perceived not when she lay down, nor when she arose.
Bet it wouldn't have happened if Mrs Lot was still around.
If someone is drunk enough to be unable to wake there is no way he can fuck. Lot was a paedophile . He got his daughters drunk.
34And it came to pass on the morrow, that the firstborn said unto the younger, Behold, I lay yesternight with my father: let us make him drink wine this night also; and go thou in, and lie with him, that we may preserve seed of our father.
35And they made their father drink wine that night also: and the younger arose, and lay with him; and he perceived not when she lay down, nor when she arose.
36Thus were both the daughters of Lot with child by their father.
Don't believe it, they were pregnant from the gang rape in Sodom
37And the first born bare a son, and called his name Moab: the same is the father of the Moabites unto this day.
38And the younger, she also bare a son, and called his name Benammi: the same is the father of the children of Ammon unto this day.
Im sure Ben means Son of. and Ammon is that not an Egyptian name ?

Second Recap

So god decided to wipe the slate clean as he couldn't cope with men being men and killed almost everything in a worldwide flood.
When the waters had subsided plants had survived and there is no mention of a layer of salt covering everything.
Noah and his three sons repopulate the Earth. Build cities. In three generations are unable to speak the same language and are forced to traverse the globe.???
A thousand years or so after the flood god contacts an old man sends him,his nephew and their wives to a mountainous barren land. Finding nothing there they continue to egypt where for some reason a 60+ year old woman is incredibly sexually attractive The Old man is forced to lie about her, introducing her to all and sundry as his sister. Because as we all know ancient Egyptians would rape a wife and kill her husband but leave a brother and sister alone. Continuing with this untruth the old man is able to acquire gold, herds and servants by renting his wife to the Pharaoh.
God in the meantime causes problems for Pharaoh and Egypt as it's their fault Abram is Whoring his wife and is not where he should be.
Pharaoh discovers the deceit and sends them packing back to where they were told to go in the first place.
He pitches a tent which turns into a house. In a ten year period 318 battle hardened ninja's are born in this house, trained and raised to manhood.
Leading this hoard this 86 year old man is able to successfully lead a rescue mission freeing his nephew Lot some gold and incidently some other people as well.
Refusing reward from the King of Sodom he returns home to discover his house has reverted back to a tent.
Here his wife whores out her handmaid so Abram can "father a child"
When this child is thirteen god comes to visit and tells Abraham to follow an Egyptian custom and cut off the foreskin of all the males that he can get his grubby mitts on. This done him and his 90 year old spouse will be fertile. Promising that he will ensure that Abrahams "descendants" become a great nation.
Almost as an afterthought he adds he is off to judge the people of sodom because he feels he is overdue for some smiting.

Conclusion

Either god is ceiling cat playing with humanity in the way a cat plays with a mouse.
Or a number of oral histories have been confused.
Or its the tales of a senile old fool told to anyone will listen as he passed the time on his death bed.

Genesis 18

Genesis 18

¹And the LORD appeared unto him in the plains of Mamre: and he sat in the tent door in the heat of the day;
What happened to his big house ?
²And he lift up his eyes and looked, and, lo, three men stood by him: and when he saw them, he ran to meet them from the tent door, and bowed himself toward the ground,
A lean mean running machine I bet the sonic boom was heard in Russia.
³And said, My LORD, if now I have found favour in thy sight, pass not away, I pray thee, from thy servant:
⁴Let a little water, I pray you, be fetched, and wash your feet, and rest yourselves under the tree:
⁵And I will fetch a morsel of bread, and comfort ye your hearts; after that ye shall pass on: for therefore are ye come to your servant. And they said, So do, as thou hast said.
The creator of the universe sits before him, the entity that has promised a kingdom to him and his decendents and all he offers him for a start is a jam butty with no jam.
He then had second thoughts.
⁶And Abraham hastened into the tent unto Sarah, and said, Make ready quickly three measures of fine meal, knead it, and make cakes upon the hearth.
⁷And Abraham ran unto the herd, and fetcht a calf tender and good, and gave it unto a young man; and he hasted to dress it.
As a man less than half as old as Abraham I don't buy it that's an awful lot of running for a man thirty years past his sell by date.
⁸And he took butter, and milk, and the calf which he had dressed, and set it before them; and he stood by them under the tree, and they did eat.
⁹And they said unto him, Where is Sarah thy wife? And he said, Behold, in the tent.
¹⁰And he said, I will certainly return unto thee according to the time of life; and, lo, Sarah thy wife shall have a son. And Sarah heard it in the tent door, which was behind him.
¹¹Now Abraham and Sarah were old and well stricken in age; and it ceased to be with Sarah after the manner of women.
She had been through her change and spent it, her menstrual cycle had suffered total engine failure, her monthly discharge had been discharged, her womb was dead, it had ceased to be, it was an ex womb.
¹²Therefore Sarah laughed within herself, saying, After I am waxed old shall I have pleasure, my lord being old also?
Is she having a brazillian ?
¹³And the LORD said unto Abraham, Wherefore did Sarah laugh, saying, Shall I of a surety bear a child, which am old?
Where did god get this reputation of omniscience he hasn't got a clue ?
¹⁴Is any thing too hard for the LORD? At the time appointed I will return unto thee, according to the time of life, and Sarah shall have a son.
Yes well he has a totally unblemished record so far............not!
¹⁵Then Sarah denied, saying, I laughed not; for she was afraid. And he said, Nay; but thou didst laugh.
¹⁶And the men rose up from thence, and looked toward Sodom: and Abraham went with them to bring them on the way.
Because the almighty god needed directions.
¹⁷And the LORD said, Shall I hide from Abraham that thing which I do;
Asking advice now?
¹⁸Seeing that Abraham shall surely become a great and mighty nation, and all the nations of the earth shall be blessed in him?
¹⁹For I know him, that he will command his children and his household after him, and they shall keep the way of the LORD, to do justice and judgment; that the LORD may bring upon Abraham that which he hath spoken of him.
You mean just like Adams other descendants ?
²⁰And the LORD said, Because the cry of Sodom and Gomorrah is great, and because their sin is very grievous;
²¹I will go down now, and see whether they have done altogether according to the cry of it, which is come unto me; and if not, I will know.
Not sitting up in the sky watching everything they do on a personal basis, is this really the same god as the one people claim today.
²²And the men turned their faces from thence, and went toward Sodom: but Abraham stood yet before the LORD.
²³And Abraham drew near, and said, Wilt thou also destroy the righteous with the wicked?
Hmmm. What do you think?
²⁴Peradventure there be fifty righteous within the city: wilt thou also destroy and not spare the place for the fifty righteous that are therein?
Perhaps rightous meant something different back then ?
²⁵That be far from thee to do after this manner, to slay the righteous with the wicked: and that the righteous should be as the wicked, that be far from thee: Shall not the Judge of all the earth do right?
He can only do right after all he says what is right.
²⁶And the LORD said, If I find in Sodom fifty righteous within the city, then I will spare all the place for their sakes.
Yeah Right !
²⁷And Abraham answered and said, Behold now, I have taken upon me to speak unto the LORD, which am but dust and ashes:
²⁸Peradventure there shall lack five of the fifty righteous: wilt thou destroy all the city for lack of five? And he said, If I find there forty and five, I will not destroy it.
²⁹And he spake unto him yet again, and said, Peradventure there shall be forty found there. And he said, I will not do it for forty's sake.
³⁰And he said unto him, Oh let not the LORD be angry, and I will speak: Peradventure there shall thirty be found there. And he said, I will not do it, if I find thirty there.
³¹And he said, Behold now, I have taken upon me to speak unto the LORD: Peradventure there shall be twenty found there. And he said, I will not destroy it for twenty's sake.
³²And he said, Oh let not the LORD be angry, and I will speak yet but this once: Peradventure ten shall be found there. And he said, I will not destroy it for ten's sake.
Is Abraham getting ideas above his station or is he just rambling on to himself in a crazy old man kind of way ?
³³And the LORD went his way, as soon as he had left communing with Abraham: and Abraham returned unto his place.
Would that be House or tent?

Genesis 14

Genesis 14

¹And it came to pass in the days of Amraphel king of Shinar, Arioch king of Ellasar, Chedorlaomer king of Elam, and Tidal king of nations;
²That these made war with Bera king of Sodom, and with Birsha king of Gomorrah, Shinab king of Admah, and Shemeber king of Zeboiim, and the king of Bela, which is Zoar.
So here we have the first instance of probable real history that has a possibility of verification. I say possibity because at this point in time no corroborative texts have been translated. The identity of these cities is also not confirmed but there are some likely candidates.and here
³All these were joined together in the vale of Siddim, which is the salt sea.
⁴Twelve years they served Chedorlaomer, and in the thirteenth year they rebelled.
⁵And in the fourteenth year came Chedorlaomer, and the kings that were with him, and smote the Rephaims in Ashteroth Karnaim, and the Zuzims in Ham, and the Emins in Shaveh Kiriathaim,
⁶And the Horites in their mount Seir, unto Elparan, which is by the wilderness.
⁷And they returned, and came to Enmishpat, which is Kadesh, and smote all the country of the Amalekites, and also the Amorites, that dwelt in Hazezontamar.
We also don't have a time frame for this, apart from the bible suggests it is around 1,000-1,200 years after the flood. To me this implies an awful lot of people in a relatively short time, especially as we know that whatever period in history this happened people were living in most places they live today.
⁸And there went out the king of Sodom, and the king of Gomorrah, and the king of Admah, and the king of Zeboiim, and the king of Bela (the same is Zoar;) and they joined battle with them in the vale of Siddim;
⁹With Chedorlaomer the king of Elam, and with Tidal king of nations, and Amraphel king of Shinar, and Arioch king of Ellasar; four kings with five.
¹⁰And the vale of Siddim was full of slimepits; and the kings of Sodom and Gomorrah fled, and fell there; and they that remained fled to the mountain.
Slimepits.... Says alot when you realise this is the first thing in the bible that can be 100% verified. Slimepits are a source of bitumen utilised as morter for building and waterproofing for roofs and boats.
¹¹And they took all the goods of Sodom and Gomorrah, and all their victuals, and went their way.
¹²And they took Lot, Abram's brother's son, who dwelt in Sodom, and his goods, and departed.
¹³And there came one that had escaped, and told Abram the Hebrew; for he dwelt in the plain of Mamre the Amorite, brother of Eshcol, and brother of Aner: and these were confederate with Abram.
¹⁴And when Abram heard that his brother was taken captive, he armed his trained servants, born in his own house, three hundred and eighteen, and pursued them unto Dan.
Nitpicking I know but if the narrative can't get these small facts right how can we have faith in the whole picture ?
Where did this huge house come from ? The last time accommodation was mentioned he was living in a tent. 318 trained servants he must have done some serious pimping, OK if he had at least 160 Ho's and they all gave birth to male twins he could have 318 trained servants and still be under a hundred years old..If my imagination has to stretch much further to fit it all into this mans life my mind will have a hernia.
¹⁵And he divided himself against them, he and his servants, by night, and smote them, and pursued them unto Hobah, which is on the left hand of Damascus.
Now he's a ninja.
¹⁶And he brought back all the goods, and also brought again his brother Lot, and his goods, and the women also, and the people.
Note how its Lot,and his goods and oh nearly forgot the women also and the people.As long as lots goods were safe hey.
¹⁷And the king of Sodom went out to meet him after his return from the slaughter of Chedorlaomer, and of the kings that were with him, at the valley of Shaveh, which is the king's dale.
¹⁸And Melchizedek king of Salem brought forth bread and wine: and he was the priest of the most high God.
¹⁹And he blessed him, and said, Blessed be Abram of the most high God, possessor of heaven and earth:
²⁰And blessed be the most high God, which hath delivered thine enemies into thy hand. And he gave him tithes of all.
²¹And the king of Sodom said unto Abram, Give me the persons, and take the goods to thyself.
²²And Abram said to the king of Sodom, I have lift up mine hand unto the LORD, the most high God, the possessor of heaven and earth,
²³That I will not take from a thread even to a shoelatchet, and that I will not take any thing that is thine, lest thou shouldest say, I have made Abram rich:
²⁴Save only that which the young men have eaten, and the portion of the men which went with me, Aner, Eshcol, and Mamre; let them take their portion.
So let me get this right Lot and others get taken prisoner his Uncle now brother a herdsman and pimp. Given the information here must have been fast approaching 100 years of age, with a few friends and a previously unmentioned private army is able to succeed in overcome a hostile force and secure the release of aforesaid prisoners where the amassed armies of five cities were unable to do so. He then refuses a just and earned reward . Right that's it I am off to get a truss for my head.

Genesis 13

Genesis 13

¹And Abram went up out of Egypt, he, and his wife, and all that he had, and Lot with him, into the south.
He must have taken the long way round Bethel is in the west bank as it is north east of Egypt.
²And Abram was very rich in cattle, in silver, and in gold.
Pimpin his ho to pharoah really paid well.
³And he went on his journeys from the south even to Bethel, unto the place where his tent had been at the beginning, between Bethel and Hai;
He must have his map the right way up now wonder how far he got heading south before he realised his mistake.
⁴Unto the place of the altar, which he had make there at the first: and there Abram called on the name of the LORD.
⁵And Lot also, which went with Abram, had flocks, and herds, and tents.
⁶And the land was not able to bear them, that they might dwell together: for their substance was great, so that they could not dwell together.
⁷And there was a strife between the herdmen of Abram's cattle and the herdmen of Lot's cattle: and the Canaanite and the Perizzite dwelled then in the land.
⁸And Abram said unto Lot, Let there be no strife, I pray thee, between me and thee, and between my herdmen and thy herdmen; for we be brethren.
⁹Is not the whole land before thee? separate thyself, I pray thee, from me: if thou wilt take the left hand, then I will go to the right; or if thou depart to the right hand, then I will go to the left.
¹⁰And Lot lifted up his eyes, and beheld all the plain of Jordan, that it was well watered every where, before the LORD destroyed Sodom and Gomorrah, even as the garden of the LORD, like the land of Egypt, as thou comest unto Zoar.
¹¹Then Lot chose him all the plain of Jordan; and Lot journeyed east: and they separated themselves the one from the other.
¹²Abram dwelled in the land of Canaan, and Lot dwelled in the cities of the plain, and pitched his tent toward Sodom.
¹³But the men of Sodom were wicked and sinners before the LORD exceedingly.
I am of the opinion that people are people the world over I don't understand how a whole world or in this case a whole city can be branded as sinful. I also fail to understand how any of the early city states were much different than any of the others. They were all ruled either by their own king or an emporor/king of kings.
¹⁴And the LORD said unto Abram, after that Lot was separated from him, Lift up now thine eyes, and look from the place where thou art northward, and southward, and eastward, and westward:
¹⁵For all the land which thou seest, to thee will I give it, and to thy seed for ever.
¹⁶And I will make thy seed as the dust of the earth: so that if a man can number the dust of the earth, then shall thy seed also be numbered.
¹⁷Arise, walk through the land in the length of it and in the breadth of it; for I will give it unto thee.
Yeah Lot will buy that I mean who wouldn't, after all Abram has never shown himself to be untrustworthy. ¹⁸Then Abram removed his tent, and came and dwelt in the plain of Mamre, which is in Hebron, and built there an altar unto the LORD.