1 Samuel 4

¹And the word of Samuel came to all Israel. Now Israel went out against the Philistines to battle, and pitched beside Ebenezer: and the Philistines pitched in Aphek.

²And the Philistines put themselves in array against Israel: and when they joined battle, Israel was smitten before the Philistines: and they slew of the army in the field about four thousand men.

Not going too well then boy's!

³And when the people were come into the camp, the elders of Israel said, Wherefore hath the LORD smitten us to day before the Philistines? Let us fetch the ark of the covenant of the LORD out of Shiloh unto us, that, when it cometh among us, it may save us out of the hand of our enemies.

Good idea! Fetch the magic box.

⁴So the people sent to Shiloh, that they might bring from thence the ark of the covenant of the LORD of hosts, which dwelleth between the cherubims: and the two sons of Eli, Hophni and Phinehas, were there with the ark of the covenant of God.

Two fine upstanding members of the congregation

⁵And when the ark of the covenant of the LORD came into the camp, all Israel shouted with a great shout, so that the earth rang again.

⁶And when the Philistines heard the noise of the shout, they said, What meaneth the noise of this great shout in the camp of the Hebrews? And they understood that the ark of the LORD was come into the camp.

⁷And the Philistines were afraid, for they said, God is come into the camp. And they said, Woe unto us! for there hath not been such a thing heretofore.

If they truly feared the Hebrew god the would have worshipped him

⁸Woe unto us! who shall deliver us out of the hand of these mighty Gods? these are the Gods that smote the Egyptians with all the plagues in the wilderness.

I think the laughter they heard from the camp was mis-interpreted

⁹Be strong and quit yourselves like men, O ye Philistines, that ye be not servants unto the Hebrews, as they have been to you: quit yourselves like men, and fight.

¹⁰And the Philistines fought, and Israel was smitten, and they fled every man into his tent: and there was a very great slaughter; for there fell of Israel thirty thousand footmen.

Just goes to show, when you put your faith in de lard.....he will shit on you from a great hight.

¹¹And the ark of God was taken; and the two sons of Eli, Hophni and Phinehas, were slain.

This is one of the so called prophesies of the bible. Written after the fact.

¹²And there ran a man of Benjamin out of the army, and came to Shiloh the same day with his clothes rent, and with earth upon his head.

Earth or godshit?

¹³And when he came, lo, Eli sat upon a seat by the wayside watching: for his heart trembled for the ark of God. And when the man came into the city, and told it, all the city cried out.

Because a gold plated wooden box meant more to him than his sons.

¹⁴And when Eli heard the noise of the crying, he said, What meaneth the noise of this tumult? And the man came in hastily, and told Eli.

I can't help but think if Eli was a philistine and the Hebrews had won the battle Eli would have found out what the noise was just before he lost his head.

¹⁵Now Eli was ninety and eight years old; and his eyes were dim, that he could not see.

¹⁶And the man said unto Eli, I am he that came out of the army, and I fled to day out of the army. And he said, What is there done, my son?

¹⁷And the messenger answered and said, Israel is fled before the Philistines, and there hath been also a great slaughter among the people, and thy two sons also, Hophni and Phinehas, are dead, and the ark of God is taken.

¹⁸And it came to pass, when he made mention of the ark of God, that he fell from off the seat backward by the side of the gate, and his neck brake, and he died: for he was an old man, and heavy. And he had judged Israel forty years.

¹⁹And his daughter in law, Phinehas' wife, was with child, near to be delivered: and when she heard the tidings that the ark of God was taken, and that her father in law and her husband were dead, she bowed herself and travailed; for her pains came upon her.

²⁰And about the time of her death the women that stood by her said unto her, Fear not; for thou hast born a son. But she answered not, neither did she regard it.

²¹And she named the child Ichabod, saying, The glory is departed from Israel: because the ark of God was taken, and because of her father in law and her husband.

²²And she said, The glory is departed from Israel: for the ark of God is taken.

Fuck all the people that died, we lost our special box

Genesis 7

¹And the LORD said unto Noah, Come thou and all thy house into the ark; for thee have I seen righteous before me in this generation.
²Of every clean beast thou shalt take to thee by sevens, the male and his female: and of beasts that are not clean by two, the male and his female.
³Of fowls also of the air by sevens, the male and the female; to keep seed alive upon the face of all the earth.
⁴For yet seven days, and I will cause it to rain upon the earth forty days and forty nights; and every living substance that I have made will I destroy from off the face of the earth.
Is this saying the ark was conceived, designed, materials ordered, delivered and constructed in seven days ? Even if it was already built it would take a team of navvies on meth to keep up with the build up of crap after the first six hours.Or has the old twat been at it since he was a young lad of a mere 500
⁵And Noah did according unto all that the LORD commanded him.
⁶And Noah was six hundred years old when the flood of waters was upon the earth.
By a six hundred year old man ! I am surprised he could remember his own name.
⁷And Noah went in, and his sons, and his wife, and his sons' wives with him, into the ark, because of the waters of the flood.
⁸Of clean beasts, and of beasts that are not clean, and of fowls, and of every thing that creepeth upon the earth,
All them nooks and crannies bet the were more than two spiders.
⁹There went in two and two unto Noah into the ark, the male and the female, as God had commanded Noah.
From all over the world ? One things for sure they weren’t using TNT or AmEx for shipping.
¹⁰And it came to pass after seven days, that the waters of the flood were upon the earth.
And loaded ?
¹¹In the six hundredth year of Noah's life, in the second month, the seventeenth day of the month, the same day were all the fountains of the great deep broken up, and the windows of heaven were opened.
¹²And the rain was upon the earth forty days and forty nights.
¹³In the selfsame day entered Noah, and Shem, and Ham, and Japheth, the sons of Noah, and Noah's wife, and the three wives of his sons with them, into the ark;
¹⁴They, and every beast after his kind, and all the cattle after their kind, and every creeping thing that creepeth upon the earth after his kind, and every fowl after his kind, every bird of every sort.
¹⁵And they went in unto Noah into the ark, two and two of all flesh, wherein is the breath of life.
¹⁶And they that went in, went in male and female of all flesh, as God had commanded him: and the LORD shut him in.
Is this except the giants ?
¹⁷And the flood was forty days upon the earth; and the waters increased, and bare up the ark, and it was lift up above the earth.
¹⁸And the waters prevailed, and were increased greatly upon the earth; and the ark went upon the face of the waters.
¹⁹And the waters prevailed exceedingly upon the earth; and all the high hills, that were under the whole heaven, were covered.
²⁰Fifteen cubits upward did the waters prevail; and the mountains were covered.
I am sure the Ark had a depth of 30 cubits, loaded up with all those animals would there be enough displacement for it to float. Have Mountains grown ,15 cubits wouldn’t cover the mountains in Norfolk.(England)
²¹And all flesh died that moved upon the earth, both of fowl, and of cattle, and of beast, and of every creeping thing that creepeth upon the earth, and every man:
²²All in whose nostrils was the breath of life, of all that was in the dry land, died.
²³And every living substance was destroyed which was upon the face of the ground, both man, and cattle, and the creeping things, and the fowl of the heaven; and they were destroyed from the earth: and Noah only remained alive, and they that were with him in the ark.
²⁴And the waters prevailed upon the earth an hundred and fifty days.
This is all really dramatic but surely an entity that could wish the universe into existence in seven days, just wish the bad bunnies out of existence or create a disease that only affected the evil things or just made them sterile. Oh sorry I forgot it’s because he gets his jollies from punishment.
Is JHWH some how an ancient word for BDSM ?

Genisis 6

¹And it came to pass, when men began to multiply on the face of the earth, and daughters were born unto them,
I could point out that the "men" are the ones breeding but men has to mean humans so no more gay jokes.
²That the sons of God saw the daughters of men that they were fair; and they took them wives of all which they chose.
Umm! God had sons? They don't teach us that one. Does that not imply
1. There is at least one Mrs God.
2.Therefore Goddess(es)
3.There must be more Gods even if they are his sons
4. I know we havn't got anywhere near the new testement yet but is there not a line that says something about Gods only Begotten son?
³And the LORD said, My spirit shall not always strive with man, for that he also is flesh: yet his days shall be an hundred and twenty years.
So God IS Flesh
⁴There were giants in the earth in those days; and also after that, when the sons of God came in unto the daughters of men, and they bare children to them, the same became mighty men which were of old, men of renown.
Fair enough mongrels are genetically superior to pedigrees
⁵And God saw that the wickedness of man was great in the earth, and that every imagination of the thoughts of his heart was only evil continually.
⁶And it repented the LORD that he had made man on the earth, and it grieved him at his heart.
That omniscience is really not what it's made out to be is it
⁷And the LORD said, I will destroy man whom I have created from the face of the earth; both man, and beast, and the creeping thing, and the fowls of the air; for it repenteth me that I have made them.
Beware the evil Bunny his fluffyness will cause you to kill and rape and eat chocolate eggs to celebrate the third full moon following the winter solstice
⁸But Noah found grace in the eyes of the LORD.
"Grace get out of gods eyes......bad dog"
⁹These are the generations of Noah: Noah was a just man and perfect in his generations, and Noah walked with God.
¹⁰And Noah begat three sons, Shem, Ham, and Japheth.
From God?
¹¹The earth also was corrupt before God, and the earth was filled with violence.
¹²And God looked upon the earth, and, behold, it was corrupt; for all flesh had corrupted his way upon the earth.
¹³And God said unto Noah, The end of all flesh is come before me; for the earth is filled with violence through them; and, behold, I will destroy them with the earth.

This is a bit extreme to say the least, Ive had shit in my eye and it hurts and having a whole dog in your eye has to be far from pleasant. Kick the dog zap it with lightning understandable but drowning mr and mrs cheesemaker over in basingstoke , not their dog not their doing ¹⁴Make thee an ark of gopher wood; rooms shalt thou make in the ark, and shalt pitch it within and without with pitch.
¹⁵And this is the fashion which thou shalt make it of: The length of the ark shall be three hundred cubits, the breadth of it fifty cubits, and the height of it thirty cubits.
¹⁶A window shalt thou make to the ark, and in a cubit shalt thou finish it above; and the door of the ark shalt thou set in the side thereof; with lower, second, and third stories shalt thou make it.
¹⁷And, behold, I, even I, do bring a flood of waters upon the earth, to destroy all flesh, wherein is the breath of life, from under heaven; and every thing that is in the earth shall die.
¹⁸But with thee will I establish my covenant; and thou shalt come into the ark, thou, and thy sons, and thy wife, and thy sons' wives with thee.
¹⁹And of every living thing of all flesh, two of every sort shalt thou bring into the ark, to keep them alive with thee; they shall be male and female.
I will concede that in the bronze age that was a big boat . But seriously Ithink it would be a tight squeeze to get all species of bugs let alone elephants and giraffes.
What about food never mind what food becomes after going through animals.And no matter how you try the animals are not going to form an orderly queue to crap over the side. One window one cubit square how is anything going to breathe ?
^20.Of fowls after their kind, and of cattle after their kind, of every creeping thing of the earth after his kind, two of every sort shall come unto thee, to keep them alive.
²¹And take thou unto thee of all food that is eaten, and thou shalt gather it to thee; and it shall be for food for thee, and for them.²²Thus did Noah; according to all that God commanded him, so did he.