Joshua 20

Well I am back.

Sorry if you have missed me but I have been working my arse off until I went on holiday a week or so ago. So hopefully refreshed, we begin again

So there was me looking forwards to something I could get my teeth into and what have i found, A slight expansion of Moses idea, offering a theoretical "sanctuary" from vengeance in the event of accidental deaths.

¹The LORD also spake unto Joshua, saying,

²Speak to the children of Israel, saying, Appoint out for you cities of refuge, whereof I spake unto you by the hand of Moses:

³That the slayer that killeth any person unawares and unwittingly may flee thither: and they shall be your refuge from the avenger of blood.

I got to ask.....At that time how do you unwittingly kill someone and be unaware of it ?

"I was cleaning my spear and it went off "????

Ok times haven't changed that much I suppose a brawl where one party suffers a serious injury and later dies

⁴And when he that doth flee unto one of those cities shall stand at the entering of the gate of the city, and shall declare his cause in the ears of the elders of that city, they shall take him into the city unto them, and give him a place, that he may dwell among them.

⁵And if the avenger of blood pursue after him, then they shall not deliver the slayer up into his hand; because he smote his neighbour unwittingly, and hated him not beforetime.

⁶And he shall dwell in that city, until he stand before the congregation for judgment, and until the death of the high priest that shall be in those days: then shall the slayer return, and come unto his own city, and unto his own house, unto the city from whence he fled.

So if you do accidentally kill someone try and flee to a city where the high preist is young and healthy or your sanctury may be short lived.

⁷And they appointed Kedesh in Galilee in mount Naphtali, and Shechem in mount Ephraim, and Kirjatharba, which is Hebron, in the mountain of Judah.

⁸And on the other side Jordan by Jericho eastward, they assigned Bezer in the wilderness upon the plain out of the tribe of Reuben, and Ramoth in Gilead out of the tribe of Gad, and Golan in Bashan out of the tribe of Manasseh.

⁹These were the cities appointed for all the children of Israel, and for the stranger that sojourneth among them, that whosoever killeth any person at unawares might flee thither, and not die by the hand of the avenger of blood, until he stood before the congregation.

Deuteronomy 27

¹And Moses with the elders of Israel commanded the people, saying, Keep all the commandments which I command you this day.

²And it shall be on the day when ye shall pass over Jordan unto the land which the LORD thy God giveth thee, that thou shalt set thee up great stones, and plaister them with plaister:

³And thou shalt write upon them all the words of this law, when thou art passed over, that thou mayest go in unto the land which the LORD thy God giveth thee, a land that floweth with milk and honey; as the LORD God of thy fathers hath promised thee.

⁴Therefore it shall be when ye be gone over Jordan, that ye shall set up these stones, which I command you this day, in mount Ebal, and thou shalt plaister them with plaister.

⁵And there shalt thou build an altar unto the LORD thy God, an altar of stones: thou shalt not lift up any iron tool upon them.

I assume in this instance "stones" are stones not testicles as are the "stones" from chapter 23

⁶Thou shalt build the altar of the LORD thy God of whole stones: and thou shalt offer burnt offerings thereon unto the LORD thy God:

Then again if the alter was constructed from nothing but testicles it would explain why the foundation of religion is complete and utter bollocks.

⁷And thou shalt offer peace offerings, and shalt eat there, and rejoice before the LORD thy God.

What a site for a picnic ! With all the blood sacrifices the surrounding area must have the delicate odour of a slaughterhouse drain

⁸And thou shalt write upon the stones all the words of this law very plainly.

⁹And Moses and the priests the Levites spake unto all Israel, saying, Take heed, and hearken, O Israel; this day thou art become the people of the LORD thy God.

¹⁰Thou shalt therefore obey the voice of the LORD thy God, and do his commandments and his statutes, which I command thee this day.

¹¹And Moses charged the people the same day, saying,

¹²These shall stand upon mount Gerizim to bless the people, when ye are come over Jordan; Simeon, and Levi, and Judah, and Issachar, and Joseph, and Benjamin:

¹³And these shall stand upon mount Ebal to curse; Reuben, Gad, and Asher, and Zebulun, Dan, and Naphtali.

¹⁴And the Levites shall speak, and say unto all the men of Israel with a loud voice,

¹⁵Cursed be the man that maketh any graven or molten image, an abomination unto the LORD, the work of the hands of the craftsman, and putteth it in a secret place. And all the people shall answer and say, Amen.

Cos nothing fucks off de lard like a man using his god given talents.

¹⁶Cursed be he that setteth light by his father or his mother. And all the people shall say, Amen.

So kiddie winks keep your parents in the dark de lard has spoken. Either that or don't burn them ?

¹⁷Cursed be he that removeth his neighbour's landmark. And all the people shall say, Amen.

¹⁸Cursed be he that maketh the blind to wander out of the way. And all the people shall say, Amen.

¹⁹Cursed be he that perverteth the judgment of the stranger, fatherless, and widow. And all the people shall say, Amen.

²⁰Cursed be he that lieth with his father's wife; because he uncovereth his father's skirt. And all the people shall say, Amen.

²¹Cursed be he that lieth with any manner of beast. And all the people shall say, Amen.

²²Cursed be he that lieth with his sister, the daughter of his father, or the daughter of his mother. And all the people shall say, Amen.

²³Cursed be he that lieth with his mother in law. And all the people shall say, Amen.

There is not enough alcohol in the world to produce beer goggles thick enough.

²⁴Cursed be he that smiteth his neighbour secretly. And all the people shall say, Amen.

²⁵Cursed be he that taketh reward to slay an innocent person. And all the people shall say, Amen.

²⁶Cursed be he that confirmeth not all the words of this law to do them. And all the people shall say, Amen.

The last three lines don't fare well for modern Israelite soldiers in Gaza.

Deuteronomy 26

¹And it shall be, when thou art come in unto the land which the LORD thy God giveth thee for an inheritance, and possessest it, and dwellest therein;

²That thou shalt take of the first of all the fruit of the earth, which thou shalt bring of thy land that the LORD thy God giveth thee, and shalt put it in a basket, and shalt go unto the place which the LORD thy God shall choose to place his name there.

Even given their small world view, thats gotta be one fuckin' big basket.

³And thou shalt go unto the priest that shall be in those days, and say unto him, I profess this day unto the LORD thy God, that I am come unto the country which the LORD sware unto our fathers for to give us.

⁴And the priest shall take the basket out of thine hand, and set it down before the altar of the LORD thy God.

⁵And thou shalt speak and say before the LORD thy God, A Syrian ready to perish was my father, and he went down into Egypt, and sojourned there with a few, and became there a nation, great, mighty, and populous:

In Genesis, It states clearly,and refers that Abraham was a man of Ur. Ur was situated in what is now soutern Iraq, Syria is north of Iraq.

⁶And the Egyptians evil entreated us, and afflicted us, and laid upon us hard bondage:

So the spin says, however much modern archaeology disagrees.

⁷And when we cried unto the LORD God of our fathers, the LORD heard our voice, and looked on our affliction, and our labour, and our oppression:

⁸And the LORD brought us forth out of Egypt with a mighty hand, and with an outstretched arm, and with great terribleness, and with signs, and with wonders:

⁹And he hath brought us into this place, and hath given us this land, even a land that floweth with milk and honey.

I have never seen that in any guide books to the area. Not even the overwhelming stench of dead fish that would occur if this were ever to become a reality.

¹⁰And now, behold, I have brought the firstfruits of the land, which thou, O LORD, hast given me. And thou shalt set it before the LORD thy God, and worship before the LORD thy God:

¹¹And thou shalt rejoice in every good thing which the LORD thy God hath given unto thee, and unto thine house, thou, and the Levite, and the stranger that is among you.

¹²When thou hast made an end of tithing all the tithes of thine increase the third year, which is the year of tithing, and hast given it unto the Levite, the stranger, the fatherless, and the widow, that they may eat within thy gates, and be filled;

¹³Then thou shalt say before the LORD thy God, I have brought away the hallowed things out of mine house, and also have given them unto the Levite, and unto the stranger, to the fatherless, and to the widow, according to all thy commandments which thou hast commanded me: I have not transgressed thy commandments, neither have I forgotten them.

¹⁴I have not eaten thereof in my mourning, neither have I taken away ought thereof for any unclean use, nor given ought thereof for the dead: but I have hearkened to the voice of the LORD my God, and have done according to all that thou hast commanded me.

Fruits for "unclean" use ? The mind boggles.

¹⁵Look down from thy holy habitation, from heaven, and bless thy people Israel, and the land which thou hast given us, as thou swarest unto our fathers, a land that floweth with milk and honey.

¹⁶This day the LORD thy God hath commanded thee to do these statutes and judgments: thou shalt therefore keep and do them with all thine heart, and with all thy soul.

¹⁷Thou hast avouched the LORD this day to be thy God, and to walk in his ways, and to keep his statutes, and his commandments, and his judgments, and to hearken unto his voice:

¹⁸And the LORD hath avouched thee this day to be his peculiar people, as he hath promised thee, and that thou shouldest keep all his commandments;

Now I could be wrong here but the preceding verse states faily clearly that de lard is the god of his chosen people and his chosen people only. So the christians are deluding themselves thinking they have any chance of getting a crack at heaven.

¹⁹And to make thee high above all nations which he hath made, in praise, and in name, and in honour; and that thou mayest be an holy people unto the LORD thy God, as he hath spoken.

Deuteronomy 25

¹If there be a controversy between men, and they come unto judgment, that the judges may judge them; then they shall justify the righteous, and condemn the wicked.

²And it shall be, if the wicked man be worthy to be beaten, that the judge shall cause him to lie down, and to be beaten before his face, according to his fault, by a certain number.

³Forty stripes he may give him, and not exceed: lest, if he should exceed, and beat him above these with many stripes, then thy brother should seem vile unto thee.

⁴Thou shalt not muzzle the ox when he treadeth out the corn.

⁵If brethren dwell together, and one of them die, and have no child, the wife of the dead shall not marry without unto a stranger: her husband's brother shall go in unto her, and take her to him to wife, and perform the duty of an husband's brother unto her.

Hey !.....No !

As much as I love my sister in law ....No No No No No.

⁶And it shall be, that the firstborn which she beareth shall succeed in the name of his brother which is dead, that his name be not put out of Israel.

⁷And if the man like not to take his brother's wife, then let his brother's wife go up to the gate unto the elders, and say, My husband's brother refuseth to raise up unto his brother a name in Israel, he will not perform the duty of my husband's brother.

⁸Then the elders of his city shall call him, and speak unto him: and if he stand to it, and say, I like not to take her;

⁹Then shall his brother's wife come unto him in the presence of the elders, and loose his shoe from off his foot, and spit in his face, and shall answer and say, So shall it be done unto that man that will not build up his brother's house.

¹⁰And his name shall be called in Israel, The house of him that hath his shoe loosed.

So I have loose shoes how can I hold my head up in public ?

¹¹When men strive together one with another, and the wife of the one draweth near for to deliver her husband out of the hand of him that smiteth him, and putteth forth her hand, and taketh him by the secrets:

How could she do that ? If they were fighting clothed surely she would find it difficult to grasp his dangly bits through the layers of robes. Unless of course this was nocturnal nude wrestling as introduced by god or an angel with dear old Jacob.

¹²Then thou shalt cut off her hand, thine eye shall not pity her.

That's fuckin' stupid, how is the bitch going to do her chores ?

¹³Thou shalt not have in thy bag divers weights, a great and a small.

¹⁴Thou shalt not have in thine house divers measures, a great and a small.

¹⁵But thou shalt have a perfect and just weight, a perfect and just measure shalt thou have: that thy days may be lengthened in the land which the LORD thy God giveth thee.

¹⁶For all that do such things, and all that do unrighteously, are an abomination unto the LORD thy God.

Fair enough ! Nobody wants to be ripped off, but I am continually amazed at some of the thing de lard thinks are an abomination but not so much as some of the things he encourages.

¹⁷Remember what Amalek did unto thee by the way, when ye were come forth out of Egypt;

¹⁸How he met thee by the way, and smote the hindmost of thee, even all that were feeble behind thee, when thou wast faint and weary; and he feared not God.

¹⁹Therefore it shall be, when the LORD thy God hath given thee rest from all thine enemies round about, in the land which the LORD thy God giveth thee for an inheritance to possess it, that thou shalt blot out the remembrance of Amalek from under heaven; thou shalt not forget it.



Have you got that kiddies. You must remember to dismiss any memory of Amelek and don't you ever dare to forget it.

Deuteronomy 24

¹When a man hath taken a wife, and married her, and it come to pass that she find no favour in his eyes, because he hath found some uncleanness in her: then let him write her a bill of divorcement, and give it in her hand, and send her out of his house.

We have already seen what marriage can mean. So if a wife has any hesitance about her new life as a sexual slave, and her husband cannot be bothered to "train" her he can give her a note of "divorcement".

²And when she is departed out of his house, she may go and be another man's wife.

And if she gets another chance at marriage with another man

³And if the latter husband hate her, and write her a bill of divorcement, and giveth it in her hand, and sendeth her out of his house; or if the latter husband die, which took her to be his wife;

⁴Her former husband, which sent her away, may not take her again to be his wife, after that she is defiled; for that is abomination before the LORD: and thou shalt not cause the land to sin, which the LORD thy God giveth thee for an inheritance.

So she only gets the one second chance at marital bliss and even if her second hubby dies, she gets slung out and marked as unclean

⁵When a man hath taken a new wife, he shall not go out to war, neither shall he be charged with any business: but he shall be free at home one year, and shall cheer up his wife which he hath taken.

I would have thought she would have been happier with the idea her enamoured ,maniacal Moses minion was away at war with a good possibility of coming back dead.

⁶No man shall take the nether or the upper millstone to pledge: for he taketh a man's life to pledge.

⁷If a man be found stealing any of his brethren of the children of Israel, and maketh merchandise of him, or selleth him; then that thief shall die; and thou shalt put evil away from among you.

⁸Take heed in the plague of leprosy, that thou observe diligently, and do according to all that the priests the Levites shall teach you: as I commanded them, so ye shall observe to do.

⁹Remember what the LORD thy God did unto Miriam by the way, after that ye were come forth out of Egypt.

¹⁰When thou dost lend thy brother any thing, thou shalt not go into his house to fetch his pledge.

I thought they were banned from lending their brothers stuff.

¹¹Thou shalt stand abroad, and the man to whom thou dost lend shall bring out the pledge abroad unto thee.

¹²And if the man be poor, thou shalt not sleep with his pledge:

Is the pledge a wife, daughter or goat.

¹³In any case thou shalt deliver him the pledge again when the sun goeth down, that he may sleep in his own raiment, and bless thee: and it shall be righteousness unto thee before the LORD thy God.

Have I got this right ?

A man owes you something, so you can demand it back but must return it to him at sundown. Why ?

¹⁴Thou shalt not oppress an hired servant that is poor and needy, whether he be of thy brethren, or of thy strangers that are in thy land within thy gates:

This seems to now mean you can shoot at unarmed civilians as long as they are outside of your gates.

¹⁵At his day thou shalt give him his hire, neither shall the sun go down upon it; for he is poor, and setteth his heart upon it: lest he cry against thee unto the LORD, and it be sin unto thee.

Fair enough. You must pay for contracted work.

¹⁶The fathers shall not be put to death for the children, neither shall the children be put to death for the fathers: every man shall be put to death for his own sin.

But if a child is fatherless they are cursed for 10 generations

¹⁷Thou shalt not pervert the judgment of the stranger, nor of the fatherless; nor take a widow's raiment to pledge:

That must lose something in translation

¹⁸But thou shalt remember that thou wast a bondman in Egypt, and the LORD thy God redeemed thee thence: therefore I command thee to do this thing.

Bond man suggests contracted worker not slaves as we have been repeatedly told.

¹⁹When thou cuttest down thine harvest in thy field, and hast forgot a sheaf in the field, thou shalt not go again to fetch it: it shall be for the stranger, for the fatherless, and for the widow: that the LORD thy God may bless thee in all the work of thine hands.

²⁰When thou beatest thine olive tree, thou shalt not go over the boughs again: it shall be for the stranger, for the fatherless, and for the widow.

²¹When thou gatherest the grapes of thy vineyard, thou shalt not glean it afterward: it shall be for the stranger, for the fatherless, and for the widow.

I suppose these last three verses are an attempt at charity or an acceptance of a states duty to it's more vulnerable citizens.

²²And thou shalt remember that thou wast a bondman in the land of Egypt: therefore I command thee to do this thing.

Deuteronomy 23

¹He that is wounded in the stones, or hath his privy member cut off, shall not enter into the congregation of the LORD.

For a god that apparently(so we are often told) is not into same sex relationships why would it matter unless having sex is important.

²A bastard shall not enter into the congregation of the LORD; even to his tenth generation shall he not enter into the congregation of the LORD.

Well fuck me I commit a sin every time I go to church. I must mke a point of going more often.

³An Ammonite or Moabite shall not enter into the congregation of the LORD; even to their tenth generation shall they not enter into the congregation of the LORD for ever:

Are there any left, if so conversion not high on the agenda. Besides I thought an ammonite was an extinct shellfish.

⁴Because they met you not with bread and with water in the way, when ye came forth out of Egypt; and because they hired against thee Balaam the son of Beor of Pethor of Mesopotamia, to curse thee.

⁵Nevertheless the LORD thy God would not hearken unto Balaam; but the LORD thy God turned the curse into a blessing unto thee, because the LORD thy God loved thee.

⁶Thou shalt not seek their peace nor their prosperity all thy days for ever.

⁷Thou shalt not abhor an Edomite; for he is thy brother: thou shalt not abhor an Egyptian; because thou wast a stranger in his land.

So Moabites and Ammonites are no good because they wanted nothing to do with the slavering hoards but although (allegedly) the egyptians enslaved them they are cool. Would I be wrong in thinking this has more to do with a nations ability to kick their arses.

⁸The children that are begotten of them shall enter into the congregation of the LORD in their third generation.

These will be the children of the wives raped into submission taken from cities where you did not have to "anhialate every living thing"

⁹When the host goeth forth against thine enemies, then keep thee from every wicked thing.

Apart from murder,rape and pilliage because these are the work of de lard.

¹⁰If there be among you any man, that is not clean by reason of uncleanness that chanceth him by night, then shall he go abroad out of the camp, he shall not come within the camp:

¹¹But it shall be, when evening cometh on, he shall wash himself with water: and when the sun is down, he shall come into the camp again.

¹²Thou shalt have a place also without the camp, whither thou shalt go forth abroad:

¹³And thou shalt have a paddle upon thy weapon; and it shall be, when thou wilt ease thyself abroad, thou shalt dig therewith, and shalt turn back and cover that which cometh from thee:

So it's a sin to use a toilet no shit.

¹⁴For the LORD thy God walketh in the midst of thy camp, to deliver thee, and to give up thine enemies before thee; therefore shall thy camp be holy: that he see no unclean thing in thee, and turn away from thee.

¹⁵Thou shalt not deliver unto his master the servant which is escaped from his master unto thee:

Fuck me I must admit that's a surprise

¹⁶He shall dwell with thee, even among you, in that place which he shall choose in one of thy gates, where it liketh him best: thou shalt not oppress him.

That of course is assuming they are not a Moabite or an Ammonite

¹⁷There shall be no whore of the daughters of Israel, nor a sodomite of the sons of Israel.

So there you have it if you are not a jew it is Ok to be gay

¹⁸Thou shalt not bring the hire of a whore, or the price of a dog, into the house of the LORD thy God for any vow: for even both these are abomination unto the LORD thy God.

What the fuck does that mean ? You can't bring a whore or a dog to de lards house or the price of a whore or a dog.

¹⁹Thou shalt not lend upon usury to thy brother; usury of money, usury of victuals, usury of any thing that is lent upon usury:

So you can't help your brother out.

²⁰Unto a stranger thou mayest lend upon usury; but unto thy brother thou shalt not lend upon usury: that the LORD thy God may bless thee in all that thou settest thine hand to in the land whither thou goest to possess it.

But you can help out a stranger....I suppose if he fails to keep up his payments you can take him on as a slave.

²¹When thou shalt vow a vow unto the LORD thy God, thou shalt not slack to pay it: for the LORD thy God will surely require it of thee; and it would be sin in thee.

I think this means you can borrow from the preisthood.

²²But if thou shalt forbear to vow, it shall be no sin in thee.

But your ass is theirs if you fail on your debts, so careful you could end up as a burnt offering.

²³That which is gone out of thy lips thou shalt keep and perform; even a freewill offering, according as thou hast vowed unto the LORD thy God, which thou hast promised with thy mouth.

Even if you volunteer something and are unable to do it.

²⁴When thou comest into thy neighbour's vineyard, then thou mayest eat grapes thy fill at thine own pleasure; but thou shalt not put any in thy vessel.

Thats only decent after all

²⁵When thou comest into the standing corn of thy neighbour, then thou mayest pluck the ears with thine hand; but thou shalt not move a sickle unto thy neighbour's standing corn.

Deuteronomy 19

¹When the LORD thy God hath cut off the nations, whose land the LORD thy God giveth thee, and thou succeedest them, and dwellest in their cities, and in their houses;

To paraphrase, the lands you stole from the murdered previous occupants.

²Thou shalt separate three cities for thee in the midst of thy land, which the LORD thy God giveth thee to possess it.

³Thou shalt prepare thee a way, and divide the coasts of thy land, which the LORD thy God giveth thee to inherit, into three parts, that every slayer may flee thither.

Hang on when did that happen ? I thought they were still landlocked. Or this book was written at a time when Israel had dominated to the coast.

⁴And this is the case of the slayer, which shall flee thither, that he may live: Whoso killeth his neighbour ignorantly, whom he hated not in time past;

Is it just me or does the hypocrisy in this statement just beggar belief.

I appreciate times of war are different but surely as much as the man next door is your neighbour, the next city or country is your neighbour, Israel was massacring annexing their neighbours

⁵As when a man goeth into the wood with his neighbour to hew wood, and his hand fetcheth a stroke with the axe to cut down the tree, and the head slippeth from the helve, and lighteth upon his neighbour, that he die; he shall flee unto one of those cities, and live:

Nowaday's somebody would be sued

⁶Lest the avenger of the blood pursue the slayer, while his heart is hot, and overtake him, because the way is long, and slay him; whereas he was not worthy of death, inasmuch as he hated him not in time past.

⁷Wherefore I command thee, saying, Thou shalt separate three cities for thee.

⁸And if the LORD thy God enlarge thy coast, as he hath sworn unto thy fathers, and give thee all the land which he promised to give unto thy fathers;

The only way that can happen is for the sea levels to change, unless of course the god of peace is promoting more conquest.

⁹If thou shalt keep all these commandments to do them, which I command thee this day, to love the LORD thy God, and to walk ever in his ways; then shalt thou add three cities more for thee, beside these three:

de lard expects his commandments to be kept, but at what price ? Especially as he is either unwilling or unable to keep promises he made.

¹⁰That innocent blood be not shed in thy land, which the LORD thy God giveth thee for an inheritance, and so blood be upon thee.

I suppose when it was someone elses land it was OK.

¹¹But if any man hate his neighbour, and lie in wait for him, and rise up against him, and smite him mortally that he die, and fleeth into one of these cities:

How is this different to attacking an unsuspecting city ?

¹²Then the elders of his city shall send and fetch him thence, and deliver him into the hand of the avenger of blood, that he may die.

Surely by these laws alone Moses should have been executed !

¹³Thine eye shall not pity him, but thou shalt put away the guilt of innocent blood from Israel, that it may go well with thee.

Strange how Israel still manages to maintain this guiltness over all the innocent blood they continue to spill.

¹⁴Thou shalt not remove thy neighbour's landmark, which they of old time have set in thine inheritance, which thou shalt inherit in the land that the LORD thy God giveth thee to possess it.

¹⁵One witness shall not rise up against a man for any iniquity, or for any sin, in any sin that he sinneth: at the mouth of two witnesses, or at the mouth of three witnesses, shall the matter be established.

¹⁶If a false witness rise up against any man to testify against him that which is wrong;

As we know the truthfulness of Abraham and his descendants is legendary.

¹⁷Then both the men, between whom the controversy is, shall stand before the LORD, before the priests and the judges, which shall be in those days;

¹⁸And the judges shall make diligent inquisition: and, behold, if the witness be a false witness, and hath testified falsely against his brother;

Justice then as it is now is often swayed by a smooth talking representative.

¹⁹Then shall ye do unto him, as he had thought to have done unto his brother: so shalt thou put the evil away from among you.

²⁰And those which remain shall hear, and fear, and shall henceforth commit no more any such evil among you.

²¹And thine eye shall not pity; but life shall go for life, eye for eye, tooth for tooth, hand for hand, foot for foot.

Deuteronomy 17

¹Thou shalt not sacrifice unto the LORD thy God any bullock, or sheep, wherein is blemish, or any evilfavouredness: for that is an abomination unto the LORD thy God.

²If there be found among you, within any of thy gates which the LORD thy God giveth thee, man or woman, that hath wrought wickedness in the sight of the LORD thy God, in transgressing his covenant,

That of course being something really wrong such as eating seafood , mixing linen and wool or even consensual sex. Not things like murder genocide and rape which seem to have been sanctioned by the god of love.

³And hath gone and served other gods, and worshipped them, either the sun, or moon, or any of the host of heaven, which I have not commanded;

Or dare I say it .....Having the audacity to call your imaginary invisible friend by a different name.

⁴And it be told thee, and thou hast heard of it, and enquired diligently, and, behold, it be true, and the thing certain, that such abomination is wrought in Israel:

On the grounds of hearsay.

⁵Then shalt thou bring forth that man or that woman, which have committed that wicked thing, unto thy gates, even that man or that woman, and shalt stone them with stones, till they die.

⁶At the mouth of two witnesses, or three witnesses, shall he that is worthy of death be put to death; but at the mouth of one witness he shall not be put to death.

⁷The hands of the witnesses shall be first upon him to put him to death, and afterward the hands of all the people. So thou shalt put the evil away from among you.

This is just fucking vile.

You could have a disagreement with someone and they could with an agreement from someone else not only bring about the death sentence but also force friends and family to take part in a very brutal ritualised killing.

⁸If there arise a matter too hard for thee in judgment, between blood and blood, between plea and plea, and between stroke and stroke, being matters of controversy within thy gates: then shalt thou arise, and get thee up into the place which the LORD thy God shall choose;

And so justice becomes a popularity contest combining the rules of the school playground with the ethics of a rabid wolf.

⁹And thou shalt come unto the priests the Levites, and unto the judge that shall be in those days, and enquire; and they shall shew thee the sentence of judgment:

As if they didn't have enough power.

¹⁰And thou shalt do according to the sentence, which they of that place which the LORD shall choose shall shew thee; and thou shalt observe to do according to all that they inform thee:

¹¹According to the sentence of the law which they shall teach thee, and according to the judgment which they shall tell thee, thou shalt do: thou shalt not decline from the sentence which they shall shew thee, to the right hand, nor to the left.

¹²And the man that will do presumptuously, and will not hearken unto the priest that standeth to minister there before the LORD thy God, or unto the judge, even that man shall die: and thou shalt put away the evil from Israel.

Follow the judgements of a cleric on pain of death. History gives us plenty of lessons as to why this is not a good idea.

¹³And all the people shall hear, and fear, and do no more presumptuously.

¹⁴When thou art come unto the land which the LORD thy God giveth thee, and shalt possess it, and shalt dwell therein, and shalt say, I will set a king over me, like as all the nations that are about me;

¹⁵Thou shalt in any wise set him king over thee, whom the LORD thy God shall choose: one from among thy brethren shalt thou set king over thee: thou mayest not set a stranger over thee, which is not thy brother.

¹⁶But he shall not multiply horses to himself, nor cause the people to return to Egypt, to the end that he should multiply horses: forasmuch as the LORD hath said unto you, Ye shall henceforth return no more that way.

Because it's far more moal to take on and destroy the inhabitants of small isolated cities full of innocents,rather than a massive empire with which your grandparents may have hard half a reason to bear a grudge

¹⁷Neither shall he multiply wives to himself, that his heart turn not away: neither shall he greatly multiply to himself silver and gold.

Because that would take from the levites

¹⁸And it shall be, when he sitteth upon the throne of his kingdom, that he shall write him a copy of this law in a book out of that which is before the priests the Levites:

¹⁹And it shall be with him, and he shall read therein all the days of his life: that he may learn to fear the LORD his God, to keep all the words of this law and these statutes, to do them:

²⁰That his heart be not lifted up above his brethren, and that he turn not aside from the commandment, to the right hand, or to the left: to the end that he may prolong his days in his kingdom, he, and his children, in the midst of Israel.

Deuteronomy 16

¹Observe the month of Abib, and keep the passover unto the LORD thy God: for in the month of Abib the LORD thy God brought thee forth out of Egypt by night.

²Thou shalt therefore sacrifice the passover unto the LORD thy God, of the flock and the herd, in the place which the LORD shall choose to place his name there.

³Thou shalt eat no leavened bread with it; seven days shalt thou eat unleavened bread therewith, even the bread of affliction; for thou camest forth out of the land of Egypt in haste: that thou mayest remember the day when thou camest forth out of the land of Egypt all the days of thy life.

They left in haste but managed to take lots of precious metals and jewellery not to mention cattle not bad for so called slaves.

⁴And there shall be no leavened bread seen with thee in all thy coast seven days; neither shall there any thing of the flesh, which thou sacrificedst the first day at even, remain all night until the morning.

⁵Thou mayest not sacrifice the passover within any of thy gates, which the LORD thy God giveth thee:

Cos' they wouldn't want blood spilt in their towns, aside from the previous occupants blood of course.

⁶But at the place which the LORD thy God shall choose to place his name in, there thou shalt sacrifice the passover at even, at the going down of the sun, at the season that thou camest forth out of Egypt.

⁷And thou shalt roast and eat it in the place which the LORD thy God shall choose: and thou shalt turn in the morning, and go unto thy tents.

What ? They get to eat the sacrifice, that's not a sacrifice that's dinner.

⁸Six days thou shalt eat unleavened bread: and on the seventh day shall be a solemn assembly to the LORD thy God: thou shalt do no work therein.

"Solemn assembly" That's not the way the hallelujah brigade do it. Funny how they put so much emphasis on certain laws of de lard and yet totally reject or ignore other ones.

⁹Seven weeks shalt thou number unto thee: begin to number the seven weeks from such time as thou beginnest to put the sickle to the corn.

¹⁰And thou shalt keep the feast of weeks unto the LORD thy God with a tribute of a freewill offering of thine hand, which thou shalt give unto the LORD thy God, according as the LORD thy God hath blessed thee:

¹¹And thou shalt rejoice before the LORD thy God, thou, and thy son, and thy daughter, and thy manservant, and thy maidservant, and the Levite that is within thy gates, and the stranger, and the fatherless, and the widow, that are among you, in the place which the LORD thy God hath chosen to place his name there.

Back to being nice to strangers but I thought the fatherless were damned for generations.

¹²And thou shalt remember that thou wast a bondman in Egypt: and thou shalt observe and do these statutes.

¹³Thou shalt observe the feast of tabernacles seven days, after that thou hast gathered in thy corn and thy wine:

¹⁴And thou shalt rejoice in thy feast, thou, and thy son, and thy daughter, and thy manservant, and thy maidservant, and the Levite, the stranger, and the fatherless, and the widow, that are within thy gates.

¹⁵Seven days shalt thou keep a solemn feast unto the LORD thy God in the place which the LORD shall choose: because the LORD thy God shall bless thee in all thine increase, and in all the works of thine hands, therefore thou shalt surely rejoice.

How do you solemnly rejoice ?

¹⁶Three times in a year shall all thy males appear before the LORD thy God in the place which he shall choose; in the feast of unleavened bread, and in the feast of weeks, and in the feast of tabernacles: and they shall not appear before the LORD empty:

¹⁷Every man shall give as he is able, according to the blessing of the LORD thy God which he hath given thee.

¹⁸Judges and officers shalt thou make thee in all thy gates, which the LORD thy God giveth thee, throughout thy tribes: and they shall judge the people with just judgment.

¹⁹Thou shalt not wrest judgment; thou shalt not respect persons, neither take a gift: for a gift doth blind the eyes of the wise, and pervert the words of the righteous.

²⁰That which is altogether just shalt thou follow, that thou mayest live, and inherit the land which the LORD thy God giveth thee.

²¹Thou shalt not plant thee a grove of any trees near unto the altar of the LORD thy God, which thou shalt make thee.

²²Neither shalt thou set thee up any image; which the LORD thy God hateth.

Is de lard just plain fucking ugly ? Why else would he have such a downer on images ?

Deuteronomy 14

¹Ye are the children of the LORD your God: ye shall not cut yourselves, nor make any baldness between your eyes for the dead.

²For thou art an holy people unto the LORD thy God, and the LORD hath chosen thee to be a peculiar people unto himself, above all the nations that are upon the earth.

³Thou shalt not eat any abominable thing.

Does that mean snowmen, or the Mother In Laws cooking ?

⁴These are the beasts which ye shall eat: the ox, the sheep, and the goat,

⁵The hart, and the roebuck, and the fallow deer, and the wild goat, and the pygarg, and the wild ox, and the chamois.

What the fuck is a pygarg

? I looked it up and it's definitely an antelope, or an eagle, or a rabbit, or perhaps one of these four legged birds or insects we have been told about.To be honest nobody is sure so it must have tasted real good as there are none left

⁶And every beast that parteth the hoof, and cleaveth the cleft into two claws, and cheweth the cud among the beasts, that ye shall eat.

⁷Nevertheless these ye shall not eat of them that chew the cud, or of them that divide the cloven hoof; as the camel, and the hare, and the coney: for they chew the cud, but divide not the hoof; therefore they are unclean unto you.

⁸And the swine, because it divideth the hoof, yet cheweth not the cud, it is unclean unto you: ye shall not eat of their flesh, nor touch their dead carcase.

But ...but... but...they taste soooo good.

No really, you can keep your ambrosia the real food of the gods is pork and bacon.

⁹These ye shall eat of all that are in the waters: all that have fins and scales shall ye eat:

¹⁰And whatsoever hath not fins and scales ye may not eat; it is unclean unto you.

¹¹Of all clean birds ye shall eat.

¹²But these are they of which ye shall not eat: the eagle, and the ossifrage, and the ospray,

¹³And the glede, and the kite, and the vulture after his kind,

¹⁴And every raven after his kind,

¹⁵And the owl, and the night hawk, and the cuckow, and the hawk after his kind,

¹⁶The little owl, and the great owl, and the swan,

¹⁷And the pelican, and the gier eagle, and the cormorant,

¹⁸And the stork, and the heron after her kind, and the lapwing, and the bat.

The bat! fuck me am I stupid ?There was me thinking it was a mammal

¹⁹And every creeping thing that flieth is unclean unto you: they shall not be eaten.

You try riding a motorcycle and not eating the odd flying creeping thing. It happens, you can't help it, but come those balmy summer nights and autumn evenings I could keep a large family of bats healthy on the amount of flying insects I must digest. I don't even notice the taste half the time. The consistency however, is another matter.

²⁰But of all clean fowls ye may eat.

Are there any left ?

²¹Ye shall not eat of anything that dieth of itself: thou shalt give it unto the stranger that is in thy gates, that he may eat it; or thou mayest sell it unto an alien: for thou art an holy people unto the LORD thy God. Thou shalt not seethe a kid in his mother's milk.

He does go on about this, I must admit I have never eaten a kid boiled in milk but if I did I would make sure I milked it's mother personally.

²²Thou shalt truly tithe all the increase of thy seed, that the field bringeth forth year by year.

What ? de lard wants 10% of the wet spot when you and your lover have finished.

²³And thou shalt eat before the LORD thy God, in the place which he shall choose to place his name there, the tithe of thy corn, of thy wine, and of thine oil, and the firstlings of thy herds and of thy flocks; that thou mayest learn to fear the LORD thy God always.

You try having a picnic halfway through a service, especially if you do your grovelling at one of the mega churches with thier gun toting ushers.

²⁴And if the way be too long for thee, so that thou art not able to carry it; or if the place be too far from thee, which the LORD thy God shall choose to set his name there, when the LORD thy God hath blessed thee:

²⁵Then shalt thou turn it into money, and bind up the money in thine hand, and shalt go unto the place which the LORD thy God shall choose:

Yea verily !de lard he has chosen your local preachers back pocket.

Fuck me you read lines like this and think how can people be this fucking stupid ?

²⁶And thou shalt bestow that money for whatsoever thy soul lusteth after, for oxen, or for sheep, or for wine, or for strong drink, or for whatsoever thy soul desireth: and thou shalt eat there before the LORD thy God, and thou shalt rejoice, thou, and thine household,

²⁷And the Levite that is within thy gates; thou shalt not forsake him; for he hath no part nor inheritance with thee.

For levite substitute you local religious leader

²⁸At the end of three years thou shalt bring forth all the tithe of thine increase the same year, and shalt lay it up within thy gates:

²⁹And the Levite, (because he hath no part nor inheritance with thee,) and the stranger, and the fatherless, and the widow, which are within thy gates, shall come, and shall eat and be satisfied; that the LORD thy God may bless thee in all the work of thine hand which thou doest.

Deuteronomy 12

¹These are the statutes and judgments, which ye shall observe to do in the land, which the LORD God of thy fathers giveth thee to possess it, all the days that ye live upon the earth.

²Ye shall utterly destroy all the places, wherein the nations which ye shall possess served their gods, upon the high mountains, and upon the hills, and under every green tree:

³And ye shall overthrow their altars, and break their pillars, and burn their groves with fire; and ye shall hew down the graven images of their gods, and destroy the names of them out of that place.

Almost makes me want to go vandalise a church or synagogue

⁴Ye shall not do so unto the LORD your God.

Or at least have sex on the altar.

⁵But unto the place which the LORD your God shall choose out of all your tribes to put his name there, even unto his habitation shall ye seek, and thither thou shalt come:

⁶And thither ye shall bring your burnt offerings, and your sacrifices, and your tithes, and heave offerings of your hand, and your vows, and your freewill offerings, and the firstlings of your herds and of your flocks:

⁷And there ye shall eat before the LORD your God, and ye shall rejoice in all that ye put your hand unto, ye and your households, wherein the LORD thy God hath blessed thee.

⁸Ye shall not do after all the things that we do here this day, every man whatsoever is right in his own eyes.

⁹For ye are not as yet come to the rest and to the inheritance, which the LORD your God giveth you.

What ! This means the land they have already annexed they are not intending to keep. That makes the atrocities already committed in the name of de lard even worse. Fuck me although murder and rape are appalling crimes, you can see they possibly felt justified but to do that to entire populations just to borrow the land........Complete and utter cunt is not enough of an insult to throw at these contemptible bastards.

¹⁰But when ye go over Jordan, and dwell in the land which the LORD your God giveth you to inherit, and when he giveth you rest from all your enemies round about, so that ye dwell in safety;

Well they are still waiting for that one.

¹¹Then there shall be a place which the LORD your God shall choose to cause his name to dwell there; thither shall ye bring all that I command you; your burnt offerings, and your sacrifices, your tithes, and the heave offering of your hand, and all your choice vows which ye vow unto the LORD:

You would have thought with all the deaths in the cities ,that de lard would have been satisfied for a millennia or two.

¹²And ye shall rejoice before the LORD your God, ye, and your sons, and your daughters, and your menservants, and your maidservants, and the Levite that is within your gates; for as much as he hath no part nor inheritance with you.

¹³Take heed to thyself that thou offer not thy burnt offerings in every place that thou seest:

¹⁴But in the place which the LORD shall choose in one of thy tribes, there thou shalt offer thy burnt offerings, and there thou shalt do all that I command thee.

¹⁵Notwithstanding thou mayest kill and eat flesh in all thy gates, whatsoever thy soul lusteth after, according to the blessing of the LORD thy God which he hath given thee: the unclean and the clean may eat thereof, as of the roebuck, and as of the hart.

Cannibalism is OK then.

¹⁶Only ye shall not eat the blood; ye shall pour it upon the earth as water.

But no black pudding

¹⁷Thou mayest not eat within thy gates the tithe of thy corn, or of thy wine, or of thy oil, or the firstlings of thy herds or of thy flock, nor any of thy vows which thou vowest, nor thy freewill offerings, or heave offering of thine hand:

¹⁸But thou must eat them before the LORD thy God in the place which the LORD thy God shall choose, thou, and thy son, and thy daughter, and thy manservant, and thy maidservant, and the Levite that is within thy gates: and thou shalt rejoice before the LORD thy God in all that thou puttest thine hands unto.

¹⁹Take heed to thyself that thou forsake not the Levite as long as thou livest upon the earth.

Don't forget to nurse your parasites.

²⁰When the LORD thy God shall enlarge thy border, as he hath promised thee, and thou shalt say, I will eat flesh, because thy soul longeth to eat flesh; thou mayest eat flesh, whatsoever thy soul lusteth after.

²¹If the place which the LORD thy God hath chosen to put his name there be too far from thee, then thou shalt kill of thy herd and of thy flock, which the LORD hath given thee, as I have commanded thee, and thou shalt eat in thy gates whatsoever thy soul lusteth after.

²²Even as the roebuck and the hart is eaten, so thou shalt eat them: the unclean and the clean shall eat of them alike.

²³Only be sure that thou eat not the blood: for the blood is the life; and thou mayest not eat the life with the flesh.

²⁴Thou shalt not eat it; thou shalt pour it upon the earth as water.

I am struggling to get past this fact. de lard has no clue about how his creations work, time and time again he makes stupid assertions about his living creatures. Assertions which (here in England at least) your average child should be able to see the flaws before leaving junior school.

²⁵Thou shalt not eat it; that it may go well with thee, and with thy children after thee, when thou shalt do that which is right in the sight of the LORD.

²⁶Only thy holy things which thou hast, and thy vows, thou shalt take, and go unto the place which the LORD shall choose:

²⁷And thou shalt offer thy burnt offerings, the flesh and the blood, upon the altar of the LORD thy God: and the blood of thy sacrifices shall be poured out upon the altar of the LORD thy God, and thou shalt eat the flesh.

²⁸Observe and hear all these words which I command thee, that it may go well with thee, and with thy children after thee for ever, when thou doest that which is good and right in the sight of the LORD thy God.

²⁹When the LORD thy God shall cut off the nations from before thee, whither thou goest to possess them, and thou succeedest them, and dwellest in their land;

³⁰Take heed to thyself that thou be not snared by following them, after that they be destroyed from before thee; and that thou enquire not after their gods, saying, How did these nations serve their gods? even so will I do likewise.

³¹Thou shalt not do so unto the LORD thy God: for every abomination to the LORD, which he hateth, have they done unto their gods; for even their sons and their daughters they have burnt in the fire to their gods.

³²What thing soever I command you, observe to do it: thou shalt not add thereto, nor diminish from it.

Remember that when I get to the new testament.

Deuteronomy 11

¹Therefore thou shalt love the LORD thy God, and keep his charge, and his statutes, and his judgments, and his commandments, alway.

Because de lard is the epitome of love.

²And know ye this day: for I speak not with your children which have not known, and which have not seen the chastisement of the LORD your God, his greatness, his mighty hand, and his stretched out arm,

And de lard will smack the shit out of you if you don't shape up and grovel enough.

³And his miracles, and his acts, which he did in the midst of Egypt unto Pharaoh the king of Egypt, and unto all his land;

⁴And what he did unto the army of Egypt, unto their horses, and to their chariots; how he made the water of the Red sea to overflow them as they pursued after you, and how the LORD hath destroyed them unto this day;

And de lard will take the credit for natural disasters cos he loves beating his meat over pain and suffering.

⁵And what he did unto you in the wilderness, until ye came into this place;

⁶And what he did unto Dathan and Abiram, the sons of Eliab, the son of Reuben: how the earth opened her mouth, and swallowed them up, and their households, and their tents, and all the substance that was in their possession, in the midst of all Israel:

⁷But your eyes have seen all the great acts of the LORD which he did.

They were so impressed that huge portions of the community forgot and rebelled on semi regular basis.

⁸Therefore shall ye keep all the commandments which I command you this day, that ye may be strong, and go in and possess the land, whither ye go to possess it;

⁹And that ye may prolong your days in the land, which the LORD sware unto your fathers to give unto them and to their seed, a land that floweth with milk and honey.

¹⁰For the land, whither thou goest in to possess it, is not as the land of Egypt, from whence ye came out, where thou sowedst thy seed, and wateredst it with thy foot, as a garden of herbs:

de lards grasp on anatomy is as good as ever.

¹¹But the land, whither ye go to possess it, is a land of hills and valleys, and drinketh water of the rain of heaven:

¹²A land which the LORD thy God careth for: the eyes of the LORD thy God are always upon it, from the beginning of the year even unto the end of the year.

¹³And it shall come to pass, if ye shall hearken diligently unto my commandments which I command you this day, to love the LORD your God, and to serve him with all your heart and with all your soul,

¹⁴That I will give you the rain of your land in his due season, the first rain and the latter rain, that thou mayest gather in thy corn, and thy wine, and thine oil.

So if ever there is a lack of rainfall it is not the responsibility of de lard, but the fault of the Israelites for being naughty boys and girls.

¹⁵And I will send grass in thy fields for thy cattle, that thou mayest eat and be full.

¹⁶Take heed to yourselves, that your heart be not deceived, and ye turn aside, and serve other gods, and worship them;

Why do these "bible believing christians " never remember that the bible states many times there are other gods.

¹⁷And then the LORD's wrath be kindled against you, and he shut up the heaven, that there be no rain, and that the land yield not her fruit; and lest ye perish quickly from off the good land which the LORD giveth you.

Ah ! It's not pollution and CO2 emissions causing global warming, it's the Jewish people, not spending enough time with their burnt offerings. Funny I would have thought that would have added to the problem.

¹⁸Therefore shall ye lay up these my words in your heart and in your soul, and bind them for a sign upon your hand, that they may be as frontlets between your eyes.

Is de lard suggesting they have copies of the stone tablets dangling in front of their eyes? Or perhaps it's metaphorical and de lard wants them to imagine the words tattooed on his scrotum.

¹⁹And ye shall teach them your children, speaking of them when thou sittest in thine house, and when thou walkest by the way, when thou liest down, and when thou risest up.

And they say childhood isn't as good as it used to0 be.

²⁰And thou shalt write them upon the door posts of thine house, and upon thy gates:

²¹That your days may be multiplied, and the days of your children, in the land which the LORD sware unto your fathers to give them, as the days of heaven upon the earth.

²²For if ye shall diligently keep all these commandments which I command you, to do them, to love the LORD your God, to walk in all his ways, and to cleave unto him;

²³Then will the LORD drive out all these nations from before you, and ye shall possess greater nations and mightier than yourselves.

A line for Nazi conspiracy theorists

²⁴Every place whereon the soles of your feet shall tread shall be yours: from the wilderness and Lebanon, from the river, the river Euphrates, even unto the uttermost sea shall your coast be.

Does that mean de lard hates shoes, Has anyone told the Phelps ?

²⁵There shall no man be able to stand before you: for the LORD your God shall lay the fear of you and the dread of you upon all the land that ye shall tread upon, as he hath said unto you.

²⁶Behold, I set before you this day a blessing and a curse;

²⁷A blessing, if ye obey the commandments of the LORD your God, which I command you this day:

²⁸And a curse, if ye will not obey the commandments of the LORD your God, but turn aside out of the way which I command you this day, to go after other gods, which ye have not known.

Have we not been told of Free will surely the concept of free will goes out of the window when every aspect of your lives is governed by a tyrant.

²⁹And it shall come to pass, when the LORD thy God hath brought thee in unto the land whither thou goest to possess it, that thou shalt put the blessing upon mount Gerizim, and the curse upon mount Ebal.

³⁰Are they not on the other side Jordan, by the way where the sun goeth down, in the land of the Canaanites, which dwell in the champaign over against Gilgal, beside the plains of Moreh?

³¹For ye shall pass over Jordan to go in to possess the land which the LORD your God giveth you, and ye shall possess it, and dwell therein.

³²And ye shall observe to do all the statutes and judgments which I set before you this day.

Deuteronomy 10

¹At that time the LORD said unto me, Hew thee two tables of stone like unto the first, and come up unto me into the mount, and make thee an ark of wood.

²And I will write on the tables the words that were in the first tables which thou brakest, and thou shalt put them in the ark.

³And I made an ark of shittim wood, and hewed two tables of stone like unto the first, and went up into the mount, having the two tables in mine hand.

This sequence of events has always been put to me as evidence of gods power. Why ?

He has failed to convince the Israelites either of his existence or his power,else they would stop being fickle about who or what they are following.

He was unable to foresee and prevent the events leading up to the breaking if the tablets. Or reach out to catch them.

He was unable to foresee and prevent the Israelites from worshipping the golen calf leading to the murders of about three thousand men (Exodus 32:28) which is conveniently missed from this reiteration.

⁴And he wrote on the tables, according to the first writing, the ten commandments, which the LORD spake unto you in the mount out of the midst of the fire in the day of the assembly: and the LORD gave them unto me.

⁵And I turned myself and came down from the mount, and put the tables in the ark which I had made; and there they be, as the LORD commanded me.

⁶And the children of Israel took their journey from Beeroth of the children of Jaakan to Mosera: there Aaron died, and there he was buried; and Eleazar his son ministered in the priest's office in his stead.

⁷From thence they journeyed unto Gudgodah; and from Gudgodah to Jotbath, a land of rivers of waters.

⁸At that time the LORD separated the tribe of Levi, to bear the ark of the covenant of the LORD, to stand before the LORD to minister unto him, and to bless in his name, unto this day.

⁹Wherefore Levi hath no part nor inheritance with his brethren; the LORD is his inheritance, according as the LORD thy God promised him.

¹⁰And I stayed in the mount, according to the first time, forty days and forty nights; and the LORD hearkened unto me at that time also, and the LORD would not destroy thee.

¹¹And the LORD said unto me, Arise, take thy journey before the people, that they may go in and possess the land, which I sware unto their fathers to give unto them.

¹²And now, Israel, what doth the LORD thy God require of thee, but to fear the LORD thy God, to walk in all his ways, and to love him, and to serve the LORD thy God with all thy heart and with all thy soul,

To walk in all his ways what does that mean ?

Except perhaps, behave like a hateful spoilt brat that smashes up his toys when he doesn't get his own way.

¹³To keep the commandments of the LORD, and his statutes, which I command thee this day for thy good?

Which commandments the do not kill and steal or the go steal land and kill the occupants ?

¹⁴Behold, the heaven and the heaven of heavens is the LORD's thy God, the earth also, with all that therein is.

¹⁵Only the LORD had a delight in thy fathers to love them, and he chose their seed after them, even you above all people, as it is this day.

¹⁶Circumcise therefore the foreskin of your heart, and be no more stiffnecked.

WTF. A stiff neck can be cured by having your heart circumcised. Well fuck me I never knew your foreskin was there. I need to see a doctor, mines on the end of my cock.

¹⁷For the LORD your God is God of gods, and Lord of lords, a great God, a mighty, and a terrible, which regardeth not persons, nor taketh reward:

¹⁸He doth execute the judgment of the fatherless and widow, and loveth the stranger, in giving him food and raiment.

¹⁹Love ye therefore the stranger: for ye were strangers in the land of Egypt.

Except of course when you go steal their land and are killing the occupants ?

²⁰Thou shalt fear the LORD thy God; him shalt thou serve, and to him shalt thou cleave, and swear by his name.

²¹He is thy praise, and he is thy God, that hath done for thee these great and terrible things, which thine eyes have seen.

²²Thy fathers went down into Egypt with threescore and ten persons; and now the LORD thy God hath made thee as the stars of heaven for multitude.

Did de lard tell him that ? Or did Moses make it up either way it couldn't possibly be true.

Deuteronomy 5

Containing second rendition of the 10 commandments

¹And Moses called all Israel, and said unto them, Hear, O Israel, the statutes and judgments which I speak in your ears this day, that ye may learn them, and keep, and do them.

²The LORD our God made a covenant with us in Horeb.

Cos' we all know de lards word is his.........worth as much as his penis.

³The LORD made not this covenant with our fathers, but with us, even us, who are all of us here alive this day.

Yes but he did make it with your ancestors

⁴The LORD talked with you face to face in the mount out of the midst of the fire,

With Jethro's help

⁵(I stood between the LORD and you at that time, to shew you the word of the LORD: for ye were afraid by reason of the fire, and went not up into the mount;) saying,

⁶I am the LORD thy God, which brought thee out of the land of Egypt, from the house of bondage.

Hey I didn't realise that..... fuck me backwards no wonder Moses had a gas mask.

⁷Thou shalt have none other gods before me.

Cos any other gods have bigger willies than me

⁸Thou shalt not make thee any graven image, or any likeness of any thing that is in heaven above, or that is in the earth beneath, or that is in the waters beneath the earth:

⁹Thou shalt not bow down thyself unto them, nor serve them: for I the LORD thy God am a jealous God, visiting the iniquity of the fathers upon the children unto the third and fourth generation of them that hate me,

There he goes again spouting his jealousy like it's something to be proud of. Perhaps he needs counselling. But he would probably be happier with a penis extension.

¹⁰And shewing mercy unto thousands of them that love me and keep my commandments.

Love........I thought this dickless wonder was supposed to know every thing. How can he not know the difference between love and fear.

¹¹Thou shalt not take the name of the LORD thy God in vain: for the LORD will not hold him guiltless that taketh his name in vain.

Fuck you Cunt I will say what I want and take your woolly goats with you.

¹²Keep the sabbath day to sanctify it, as the LORD thy God hath commanded thee.

I can do that but I need bar staff to sell me beer

¹³Six days thou shalt labour, and do all thy work:

Fuck off ! I only do four

¹⁴But the seventh day is the sabbath of the LORD thy God: in it thou shalt not do any work, thou, nor thy son, nor thy daughter, nor thy manservant, nor thy maidservant, nor thine ox, nor thine ass, nor any of thy cattle, nor thy stranger that is within thy gates; that thy manservant and thy maidservant may rest as well as thou.

As I already said the world needs bar staff

¹⁵And remember that thou wast a servant in the land of Egypt, and that the LORD thy God brought thee out thence through a mighty hand and by a stretched out arm: therefore the LORD thy God commanded thee to keep the sabbath day.

¹⁶Honour thy father and thy mother, as the LORD thy God hath commanded thee; that thy days may be prolonged, and that it may go well with thee, in the land which the LORD thy God giveth thee.

Keep this in mind for when we get to the new testament.

¹⁷Thou shalt not kill.

Yeah right ! and this sermon is occuring after the complete destruction of how many cities and towns leaving how many alive

¹⁸Neither shalt thou commit adultery.

What happened to the women of these towns before they were put to death for "having known a man"

¹⁹Neither shalt thou steal.

Have I not recently read something about spoils of war.

²⁰Neither shalt thou bear false witness against thy neighbour.

Yes cos god always tells the truth.

²¹Neither shalt thou desire thy neighbour's wife, neither shalt thou covet thy neighbour's house, his field, or his manservant, or his maidservant, his ox, or his ass, or any thing that is thy neighbour's.

Does that not mean ....hmmmm........don't be jealous ?

²²These words the LORD spake unto all your assembly in the mount out of the midst of the fire, of the cloud, and of the thick darkness, with a great voice: and he added no more. And he wrote them in two tables of stone, and delivered them unto me.

And you fucking broke them

²³And it came to pass, when ye heard the voice out of the midst of the darkness, (for the mountain did burn with fire,) that ye came near unto me, even all the heads of your tribes, and your elders;

Honest guv it did .....really

²⁴And ye said, Behold, the LORD our God hath shewed us his glory and his greatness, and we have heard his voice out of the midst of the fire: we have seen this day that God doth talk with man, and he liveth.

I remember Moses seeing gods arse

²⁵Now therefore why should we die? for this great fire will consume us: if we hear the voice of the LORD our God any more, then we shall die.

See they are sick of the twat too.

²⁶For who is there of all flesh, that hath heard the voice of the living God speaking out of the midst of the fire, as we have, and lived?

Well in all honesty ...probably ...oh I don't know but ummm .......none.

²⁷Go thou near, and hear all that the LORD our God shall say: and speak thou unto us all that the LORD our God shall speak unto thee; and we will hear it, and do it.

²⁸And the LORD heard the voice of your words, when ye spake unto me; and the LORD said unto me, I have heard the voice of the words of this people, which they have spoken unto thee: they have well said all that they have spoken.

²⁹O that there were such an heart in them, that they would fear me, and keep all my commandments always, that it might be well with them, and with their children for ever!

Did commandment used to mean suggestion ?

³⁰Go say to them, Get you into your tents again.

³¹But as for thee, stand thou here by me, and I will speak unto thee all the commandments, and the statutes, and the judgments, which thou shalt teach them, that they may do them in the land which I give them to possess it.

What was that bit about not stealing again ?

³²Ye shall observe to do therefore as the LORD your God hath commanded you: ye shall not turn aside to the right hand or to the left.

³³Ye shall walk in all the ways which the LORD your God hath commanded you, that ye may live, and that it may be well with you, and that ye may prolong your days in the land which ye shall possess.