Genesis 27

Genesis 27

¹And it came to pass, that when Isaac was old, and his eyes were dim, so that he could not see, he called Esau his eldest son, and said unto him, My son: and he said unto him, Behold, here am I.
²And he said, Behold now, I am old, I know not the day of my death:
Like it's gonna be on a post it stuck to the fridge.
³Now therefore take, I pray thee, thy weapons, thy quiver and thy bow, and go out to the field, and take me some venison;
⁴And make me savoury meat, such as I love, and bring it to me, that I may eat; that my soul may bless thee before I die.
How typical of that family can't do anything nice without expecting some thing in return.
⁵And Rebekah heard when Isaac spake to Esau his son. And Esau went to the field to hunt for venison, and to bring it.
⁶And Rebekah spake unto Jacob her son, saying, Behold, I heard thy father speak unto Esau thy brother, saying,
Showing their relationship is closer than master /slave husand /wife almost like they were cousins, oh wait they are.
⁷Bring me venison, and make me savoury meat, that I may eat, and bless thee before the LORD before my death.
⁸Now therefore, my son, obey my voice according to that which I command thee.
⁹Go now to the flock, and fetch me from thence two good kids of the goats; and I will make them savoury meat for thy father, such as he loveth:
If I ever get old enough not to be able to tell venison from goat please somebody anybody FUCKIN' SHOOT ME!
¹⁰And thou shalt bring it to thy father, that he may eat, and that he may bless thee before his death.
¹¹And Jacob said to Rebekah his mother, Behold, Esau my brother is a hairy man, and I am a smooth man:
¹²My father peradventure will feel me, and I shall seem to him as a deceiver; and I shall bring a curse upon me, and not a blessing.
¹³And his mother said unto him, Upon me be thy curse, my son: only obey my voice, and go fetch me them.
¹⁴And he went, and fetched, and brought them to his mother: and his mother made savoury meat, such as his father loved.
¹⁵And Rebekah took goodly raiment of her eldest son Esau, which were with her in the house, and put them upon Jacob her younger son:
¹⁶And she put the skins of the kids of the goats upon his hands, and upon the smooth of his neck:
I know plenty of "hairy men" I have known a couple of people who are blind I have never known anyone who couldn't tell the difference between live people and dead goat, Then again I don't know anyone who couldn't tell goat from venison. Perhaps it's all that inbreeding.( Is "blind faith aggravated by Inbreeding it sure would explain alot.)
¹⁷And she gave the savoury meat and the bread, which she had prepared, into the hand of her son Jacob.
¹⁸And he came unto his father, and said, My father: and he said, Here am I; who art thou, my son?

And with all the honesty he has learned, guided by exemplary parenting .
¹⁹And Jacob said unto his father, I am Esau thy first born; I have done according as thou badest me: arise, I pray thee, sit and eat of my venison, that thy soul may bless me.
²⁰And Isaac said unto his son, How is it that thou hast found it so quickly, my son? And he said, Because the LORD thy God brought it to me.
And with all the trust Isaac learned from his father and passed on to his sons.
²¹And Isaac said unto Jacob, Come near, I pray thee, that I may feel thee, my son, whether thou be my very son Esau or not.
²²And Jacob went near unto Isaac his father; and he felt him, and said, The voice is Jacob's voice, but the hands are the hands of Esau.
²³And he discerned him not, because his hands were hairy, as his brother Esau's hands: so he blessed him.
²⁴And he said, Art thou my very son Esau? And he said, I am.
²⁵And he said, Bring it near to me, and I will eat of my son's venison, that my soul may bless thee. And he brought it near to him, and he did eat: and he brought him wine and he drank.
²⁶And his father Isaac said unto him, Come near now, and kiss me, my son.
No tongues!
²⁷And he came near, and kissed him: and he smelled the smell of his raiment, and blessed him, and said, See, the smell of my son is as the smell of a field which the LORD hath blessed:
²⁸Therefore God give thee of the dew of heaven, and the fatness of the earth, and plenty of corn and wine:
²⁹Let people serve thee, and nations bow down to thee: be lord over thy brethren, and let thy mother's sons bow down to thee: cursed be every one that curseth thee, and blessed be he that blesseth thee.
³⁰And it came to pass, as soon as Isaac had made an end of blessing Jacob, and Jacob was yet scarce gone out from the presence of Isaac his father, that Esau his brother came in from his hunting.
³¹And he also had made savoury meat, and brought it unto his father, and said unto his father, Let my father arise, and eat of his son's venison, that thy soul may bless me.
³²And Isaac his father said unto him, Who art thou? And he said, I am thy son, thy firstborn Esau.
³³And Isaac trembled very exceedingly, and said, Who? where is he that hath taken venison, and brought it me, and I have eaten of all before thou camest, and have blessed him? yea, and he shall be blessed.
³⁴And when Esau heard the words of his father, he cried with a great and exceeding bitter cry, and said unto his father, Bless me, even me also, O my father.
³⁵And he said, Thy brother came with subtilty, and hath taken away thy blessing.
And he said those immortal words reiterated by Mr. Creosote in Mony Python's Meaning of Life
Fuck off I'm Full!
³⁶And he said, Is not he rightly named Jacob? for he hath supplanted me these two times: he took away my birthright; and, behold, now he hath taken away my blessing. And he said, Hast thou not reserved a blessing for me?
³⁷And Isaac answered and said unto Esau, Behold, I have made him thy lord, and all his brethren have I given to him for servants; and with corn and wine have I sustained him: and what shall I do now unto thee, my son?
Well he could have called Jacob back and told him he was a thieving little shit and for pulling the wool over his father's eyes he would get fuck all, as it was for the elder brother,but Oh no !
³⁸And Esau said unto his father, Hast thou but one blessing, my father? bless me, even me also, O my father. And Esau lifted up his voice, and wept.
³⁹And Isaac his father answered and said unto him, Behold, thy dwelling shall be the fatness of the earth, and of the dew of heaven from above;
⁴⁰And by thy sword shalt thou live, and shalt serve thy brother; and it shall come to pass when thou shalt have the dominion, that thou shalt break his yoke from off thy neck.
Here again the standard of justice set by god in the garden of eden which ultimately caused the death of Able by his brothers hand.

⁴¹And Esau hated Jacob because of the blessing wherewith his father blessed him: and Esau said in his heart, The days of mourning for my father are at hand; then will I slay my brother Jacob.
An understandable reaction given the circumstances, a bit extreme over a couple of words but people to this day believe political promises.
⁴²And these words of Esau her elder son were told to Rebekah: and she sent and called Jacob her younger son, and said unto him, Behold, thy brother Esau, as touching thee, doth comfort himself, purposing to kill thee.
That's showing more of an inclination toward omniscience than that dipshit diety of theirs.
⁴³Now therefore, my son, obey my voice; arise, flee thou to Laban my brother to Haran;
Another Python quote.
"Run Away....."
⁴⁴And tarry with him a few days, until thy brother's fury turn away;
⁴⁵Until thy brother's anger turn away from thee, and he forget that which thou hast done to him: then I will send, and fetch thee from thence: why should I be deprived also of you both in one day?

Do you think Esau is going to forget,here's a hint
Master/Servant
Servant/Master

⁴⁶And Rebekah said to Isaac, I am weary of my life because of the daughters of Heth: if Jacob take a wife of the daughters of Heth, such as these which are of the daughters of the land, what good shall my life do me?
Should have thought of that before selling out Esau If he was the boss he could have fucked Jacob off back to the family to get a cousin or two to vent his lustful desires on.

Genesis 26

Genesis 26

¹And there was a famine in the land, beside the first famine that was in the days of Abraham. And Isaac went unto Abimelech king of the Philistines unto Gerar.
So Abimelech must be getting on a bit now, at least a century I'd guess.
Wonder if he can remember shagging Isaac's mother when she was nearly as old as he is now.
²And the LORD appeared unto him, and said, Go not down into Egypt; dwell in the land which I shall tell thee of:
You gotta wonder what old Abbey is dishing up after dinner instead of after eights.
Did peyote grow in the middle east it would explain a lot.
³Sojourn in this land, and I will be with thee, and will bless thee; for unto thee, and unto thy seed, I will give all these countries, and I will perform the oath which I sware unto Abraham thy father;
⁴And I will make thy seed to multiply as the stars of heaven, and will give unto thy seed all these countries; and in thy seed shall all the nations of the earth be blessed;
Is he suggesting a sperm bank or telling him to swallow not gargle ?
⁵Because that Abraham obeyed my voice, and kept my charge, my commandments, my statutes, and my laws.

By being a misogynist, pimp, bad father, lying, cheating and generally being a bastard just like his heavenly father.
⁶And Isaac dwelt in Gerar:
⁷And the men of the place asked him of his wife; and he said, She is my sister: for he feared to say, She is my wife; lest, said he, the men of the place should kill me for Rebekah; because she was fair to look upon.

I didn't get this logic when Abraham used it or when he used it a second time and now we hearing it again. Its bullshit or a song.
⁸And it came to pass, when he had been there a long time, that Abimelech king of the Philistines looked out at a window, and saw, and, behold, Isaac was sporting with Rebekah his wife.
Playing football,hockey c'mon you mean fucking dont you ?
⁹And Abimelech called Isaac, and said, Behold, of a surety she is thy wife; and how saidst thou, She is my sister? And Isaac said unto him, Because I said, Lest I die for her.
¹⁰And Abimelech said, What is this thou hast done unto us? one of the people might lightly have lien with thy wife, and thou shouldest have brought guiltiness upon us.
So he does remember shafting Sarah.
¹¹And Abimelech charged all his people, saying, He that toucheth this man or his wife shall surely be put to death.
Because he knew if the tabloids found out that someone had had a nibble on his bastard son's wife...........
¹²Then Isaac sowed in that land, and received in the same year an hundredfold: and the LORD blessed him.
All that bullshit made good fertilizer.
¹³And the man waxed great, and went forward, and grew until he became very great:
Is Abimelech still watching them "spurt".
¹⁴For he had possession of flocks, and possession of herds, and great store of servants: and the Philistines envied him.

¹⁵For all the wells which his father's servants had digged in the days of Abraham his father, the Philistines had stopped them, and filled them with earth.
¹⁶And Abimelech said unto Isaac, Go from us; for thou art much mightier than we.

If he was that powerful why was he lying about his wife ?
¹⁷And Isaac departed thence, and pitched his tent in the valley of Gerar, and dwelt there.
¹⁸And Isaac digged again the wells of water, which they had digged in the days of Abraham his father; for the Philistines had stopped them after the death of Abraham: and he called their names after the names by which his father had called them.
¹⁹And Isaac's servants digged in the valley, and found there a well of springing water.
²⁰And the herdmen of Gerar did strive with Isaac's herdmen, saying, The water is ours: and he called the name of the well Esek; because they strove with him.
Now he's backing down from a few herdsmanwheres the power there ?
²¹And they digged another well, and strove for that also: and he called the name of it Sitnah.
One powerful coward hardly the start of a great nation. Then again laying down a precedence of going to live in someone else's land and calling it their own.
²²And he removed from thence, and digged another well; and for that they strove not: and he called the name of it Rehoboth; and he said, For now the LORD hath made room for us, and we shall be fruitful in the land.
²³And he went up from thence to Beersheba.
²⁴And the LORD appeared unto him the same night, and said, I am the God of Abraham thy father: fear not, for I am with thee, and will bless thee, and multiply thy seed for my servant Abraham's sake.
Still comes across as another gay liaison.
²⁵And he builded an altar there, and called upon the name of the LORD, and pitched his tent there: and there Isaac's servants digged a well.
²⁶Then Abimelech went to him from Gerar, and Ahuzzath one of his friends, and Phichol the chief captain of his army.
Has anyone else noticed that whenever the lord tells Isaac his seed is multiplied Abimelech is not far behind.
²⁷And Isaac said unto them, Wherefore come ye to me, seeing ye hate me, and have sent me away from you?
Oohh. Lovers tiff ?
²⁸And they said, We saw certainly that the LORD was with thee: and we said, Let there be now an oath betwixt us, even betwixt us and thee, and let us make a covenant with thee;
Blackmail ?
²⁹That thou wilt do us no hurt, as we have not touched thee, and as we have done unto thee nothing but good, and have sent thee away in peace: thou art now the blessed of the LORD.
³⁰And he made them a feast, and they did eat and drink.
³¹And they rose up betimes in the morning, and sware one to another: and Isaac sent them away, and they departed from him in peace.
Hand under each others thigh ?
³²And it came to pass the same day, that Isaac's servants came, and told him concerning the well which they had digged, and said unto him, We have found water.
³³And he called it Shebah: therefore the name of the city is Beersheba unto this day.
³⁴And Esau was forty years old when he took to wife Judith the daughter of Beeri the Hittite, and Bashemath the daughter of Elon the Hittite:
³⁵Which were a grief of mind unto Isaac and to Rebekah.

I am going out on a limb here and suggest a theory that hit me a few years ago.

They were just outside Egypt with many Egyptian influences.
We know the Egyptians used a very accurate calendar.(360 days per year +5 additional days + 1 leap day every 4 years).
We also know they looked at day and night as two separate things.
So if they had a year of 365.25 days a year they also had a year of 365.25 nights.
So In one year people aged two years.
Therefore all ages for Abraham and family are actually half what we are told.
Things then suddenly don't look quite so far fetched.

Abraham

• Left Ur @37 not 75
  
• Fathered ? Ishmael @ 43 not 86
  
• Fathered ?Isaac @50 not 100
  
• Died @ 87 not 175

Suddenly seems a bit more feasible

Sarah

• Gave birth to Ismael @ 38 not 76
• Gave birth to Isaac @ 45 not 90
• Died @ 68 not 137

The Boys marrying @16 and 20.

Genesis 25

Genesis 25

¹Then again Abraham took a wife, and her name was Keturah.
Why the hell would he want one, Seriously ?
²And she bare him Zimran, and Jokshan, and Medan, and Midian, and Ishbak, and Shuah.
Good job he had menservants.
³And Jokshan begat Sheba, and Dedan. And the sons of Dedan were Asshurim, and Letushim, and Leummim.
⁴And the sons of Midian; Ephah, and Epher, and Hanoch, and Abidah, and Eldaah. All these were the children of Keturah.
⁵And Abraham gave all that he had unto Isaac.
Finally showing guilt for trying to kill him all those years ago.
⁶But unto the sons of the concubines, which Abraham had, Abraham gave gifts, and sent them away from Isaac his son, while he yet lived, eastward, unto the east country.
⁷And these are the days of the years of Abraham's life which he lived, an hundred threescore and fifteen years.
⁸Then Abraham gave up the ghost, and died in a good old age, an old man, and full of years; and was gathered to his people.
Y'know I think this Abraham saga once was a song, Taken from an oral history.
That would explain the repetition.
⁹And his sons Isaac and Ishmael buried him in the cave of Machpelah, in the field of Ephron the son of Zohar the Hittite, which is before Mamre;
¹⁰The field which Abraham purchased of the sons of Heth: there was Abraham buried, and Sarah his wife.
¹¹And it came to pass after the death of Abraham, that God blessed his son Isaac; and Isaac dwelt by the well Lahairoi.
¹²Now these are the generations of Ishmael, Abraham's son, whom Hagar the Egyptian, Sarah's handmaid, bare unto Abraham:
¹³And these are the names of the sons of Ishmael, by their names, according to their generations: the firstborn of Ishmael, Nebajoth; and Kedar, and Adbeel, and Mibsam,
¹⁴And Mishma, and Dumah, and Massa,
¹⁵Hadar, and Tema, Jetur, Naphish, and Kedemah:
¹⁶These are the sons of Ishmael, and these are their names, by their towns, and by their castles; twelve princes according to their nations.
¹⁷And these are the years of the life of Ishmael, an hundred and thirty and seven years: and he gave up the ghost and died; and was gathered unto his people.
¹⁸And they dwelt from Havilah unto Shur, that is before Egypt, as thou goest toward Assyria: and he died in the presence of all his brethren.
¹⁹And these are the generations of Isaac, Abraham's son: Abraham begat Isaac:
²⁰And Isaac was forty years old when he took Rebekah to wife, the daughter of Bethuel the Syrian of Padanaram, the sister to Laban the Syrian.
²¹And Isaac intreated the LORD for his wife, because she was barren: and the LORD was intreated of him, and Rebekah his wife conceived.
Isaac must have been Abraham's son.
Inherited Impotence.
How the fuck does that work?
²²And the children struggled together within her; and she said, If it be so, why am I thus? And she went to enquire of the LORD.
Have we finally got a glimmer of the fabled omniscience ? Or is he just going by girth.
²³And the LORD said unto her, Two nations are in thy womb, and two manner of people shall be separated from thy bowels; and the one people shall be stronger than the other people; and the elder shall serve the younger.
²⁴And when her days to be delivered were fulfilled, behold, there were twins in her womb.
²⁵And the first came out red, all over like an hairy garment; and they called his name Esau.
²⁶And after that came his brother out, and his hand took hold on Esau's heel; and his name was called Jacob: and Isaac was threescore years old when she bare them.
²⁷And the boys grew: and Esau was a cunning hunter, a man of the field; and Jacob was a plain man, dwelling in tents.

My brother called me a cunning hunter , at least that's what I think he said.

²⁸And Isaac loved Esau, because he did eat of his venison:but Rebekah loved Jacob.
²⁹And Jacob sod pottage: and Esau came from the field, and he was faint:
³⁰And Esau said to Jacob, Feed me, I pray thee, with that same red pottage; for I am faint: therefore was his name called Edom.
³¹And Jacob said, Sell me this day thy birthright.
³²And Esau said, Behold, I am at the point to die: and what profit shall this birthright do to me?
³³And Jacob said, Swear to me this day; and he sware unto him: and he sold his birthright unto Jacob.
³⁴Then Jacob gave Esau bread and pottage of lentiles; and he did eat and drink, and rose up, and went his way: thus Esau despised his birthright.
This is just brother's being brother's, any brother will at any time for any reason fuck his brother over. It's the law.

Genesis24

Rebekah and Isaac
¹And Abraham was old, and well stricken in age: and the LORD had blessed Abraham in all things.
No Shit.
²And Abraham said unto his eldest servant of his house, that ruled over all that he had, Put, I pray thee, thy hand under my thigh:
Is this some ancient pledge thing ,a gay thing or does he need someone to verify he's shit himself ?

³And I will make thee swear by the LORD, the God of heaven, and the God of the earth, that thou shalt not take a wife unto my son of the daughters of the Canaanites, among whom I dwell:
Abraham was 100 when Isaac was born, he was 137 when Sarah became an ex wife.Therefore Isaac must be at least 37 and he's not married. Either they haven't learned to count years yet or Isaac would have made Quentin Crisp look butch.He has to be one of Gods sons he carries the gay gene.
⁴But thou shalt go unto my country, and to my kindred, and take a wife unto my son Isaac.
HIS! Country, he left over 70 years ago.
⁵And the servant said unto him, Peradventure the woman will not be willing to follow me unto this land: must I needs bring thy son again unto the land from whence thou camest?
⁶And Abraham said unto him, Beware thou that thou bring not my son thither again.
Really ?
⁷The LORD God of heaven, which took me from my father's house, and from the land of my kindred, and which spake unto me, and that sware unto me, saying, Unto thy seed will I give this land; he shall send his angel before thee, and thou shalt take a wife unto my son from thence.
Perhaps Abraham did not leave Ur voluntarily ? More to this than we have been told I suspect ?
.⁸And if the woman will not be willing to follow thee, then thou shalt be clear from this my oath: only bring not my son thither again.
9And the servant put his hand under the thigh of Abraham his master, and sware to him concerning that matter.
¹⁰And the servant took ten camels of the camels of his master, and departed; for all the goods of his master were in his hand: and he arose, and went to Mesopotamia, unto the city of Nahor.
Here I am puzzled. Which Nahor, Abraham's grandfather or his brother ?
¹¹And he made his camels to kneel down without the city by a well of water at the time of the evening, even the time that women go out to draw water.
I smell a trend being set, why even today the best place to pick up a woman is at a watering hole.
¹²And he said O LORD God of my master Abraham, I pray thee, send me good speed this day, and shew kindness unto my master Abraham.
¹³Behold, I stand here by the well of water; and the daughters of the men of the city come out to draw water:
¹⁴And let it come to pass, that the damsel to whom I shall say, Let down thy pitcher, I pray thee, that I may drink; and she shall say, Drink, and I will give thy camels drink also: let the same be she that thou hast appointed for thy servant Isaac; and thereby shall I know that thou hast shewed kindness unto my master.
I know exactly what he means who hasn't lurked waiting for the right moment to ask a pretty girl to .......water your camel.
¹⁵And it came to pass, before he had done speaking, that, behold, Rebekah came out, who was born to Bethuel, son of Milcah, the wife of Nahor, Abraham's brother, with her pitcher upon her shoulder.
That clears that up then.
Just so happens to be Abrahams brothers wifes daughter alleged cousin to Isaac.
¹⁶And the damsel was very fair to look upon, a virgin, neither had any man known her: and she went down to the well, and filled her pitcher, and came up.
¹⁷And the servant ran to meet her, and said, Let me, I pray thee, drink a little water of thy pitcher.
I'll have to try that one. Bet I get a slap !
¹⁸And she said, Drink, my lord: and she hasted, and let down her pitcher upon her hand, and gave him drink.
¹⁹And when she had done giving him drink, she said, I will draw water for thy camels also, until they have done drinking.
²⁰And she hasted, and emptied her pitcher into the trough, and ran again unto the well to draw water, and drew for all his camels.
²¹And the man wondering at her held his peace, to wit whether the LORD had made his journey prosperous or not.
Sorry thought that said held his piece.
²²And it came to pass, as the camels had done drinking, that the man took a golden earring of half a shekel weight, and two bracelets for her hands of ten shekels weight of gold;
What? How much ? what is Sumarian for bottled water
²³And said, Whose daughter art thou? tell me, I pray thee: is there room in thy father's house for us to lodge in?
²⁴And she said unto him, I am the daughter of Bethuel the son of Milcah, which she bare unto Nahor.
²⁵She said moreover unto him, We have both straw and provender enough, and room to lodge in.
²⁶And the man bowed down his head, and worshipped the LORD.
²⁷And he said, Blessed be the LORD God of my master Abraham, who hath not left destitute my master of his mercy and his truth: I being in the way, the LORD led me to the house of my master's brethren.
²⁸And the damsel ran, and told them of her mother's house these things.
²⁹And Rebekah had a brother, and his name was Laban: and Laban ran out unto the man, unto the well.
³⁰And it came to pass, when he saw the earring and bracelets upon his sister's hands, and when he heard the words of Rebekah his sister, saying, Thus spake the man unto me; that he came unto the man; and, behold, he stood by the camels at the well.
³¹And he said, Come in, thou blessed of the LORD; wherefore standest thou without? for I have prepared the house, and room for the camels.
They camels can sit over there by the sideboard behind the couch.
³²And the man came into the house: and he ungirded his camels, and gave straw and provender for the camels, and water to wash his feet, and the men's feet that were with him.
³³And there was set meat before him to eat: but he said, I will not eat, until I have told mine errand. And he said, Speak on.
³⁴And he said, I am Abraham's servant.
³⁵And the LORD hath blessed my master greatly; and he is become great: and he hath given him flocks, and herds, and silver, and gold, and menservants, and maidservants, and camels, and asses.
³⁶And Sarah my master's wife bare a son to my master when she was old: and unto him hath he given all that he hath.
³⁷And my master made me swear, saying, Thou shalt not take a wife to my son of the daughters of the Canaanites, in whose land I dwell:
³⁸But thou shalt go unto my father's house, and to my kindred, and take a wife unto my son.
³⁹And I said unto my master, Peradventure the woman will not follow me.
⁴⁰And he said unto me, The LORD, before whom I walk, will send his angel with thee, and prosper thy way; and thou shalt take a wife for my son of my kindred, and of my father's house:
⁴¹Then shalt thou be clear from this my oath, when thou comest to my kindred; and if they give not thee one, thou shalt be clear from my oath.
⁴²And I came this day unto the well, and said, O LORD God of my master Abraham, if now thou do prosper my way which I go:
⁴³Behold, I stand by the well of water; and it shall come to pass, that when the virgin cometh forth to draw water, and I say to her, Give me, I pray thee, a little water of thy pitcher to drink;
⁴⁴And she say to me, Both drink thou, and I will also draw for thy camels: let the same be the woman whom the LORD hath appointed out for my master's son.
⁴⁵And before I had done speaking in mine heart, behold, Rebekah came forth with her pitcher on her shoulder; and she went down unto the well, and drew water: and I said unto her, Let me drink, I pray thee.
⁴⁶And she made haste, and let down her pitcher from her shoulder, and said, Drink, and I will give thy camels drink also: so I drank, and she made the camels drink also.
⁴⁷And I asked her, and said, Whose daughter art thou? And she said, the daughter of Bethuel, Nahor's son, whom Milcah bare unto him: and I put the earring upon her face, and the bracelets upon her hands.
⁴⁸And I bowed down my head, and worshipped the LORD, and blessed the LORD God of my master Abraham, which had led me in the right way to take my master's brother's daughter unto his son.
⁴⁹And now if ye will deal kindly and truly with my master, tell me: and if not, tell me; that I may turn to the right hand, or to the left.
Instead of saying like any normal person " Fuck off Ya Lunatic" he says.
⁵⁰Then Laban and Bethuel answered and said, The thing proceedeth from the LORD: we cannot speak unto thee bad or good.
⁵¹Behold, Rebekah is before thee, take her, and go, and let her be thy master's son's wife, as the LORD hath spoken.
As if.
⁵²And it came to pass, that, when Abraham's servant heard their words, he worshipped the LORD, bowing himself to the earth.
⁵³And the servant brought forth jewels of silver, and jewels of gold, and raiment, and gave them to Rebekah: he gave also to her brother and to her mother precious things.
So they knowingly sold their daughter to be a sex slave. I don't understand this, how bad has life got to be to sell your daughter to the first bloke that comes along and flashes his camels. Especially when it's not for himself.

⁵⁴And they did eat and drink, he and the men that were with him, and tarried all night; and they rose up in the morning, and he said, Send me away unto my master.
⁵⁵And her brother and her mother said, Let the damsel abide with us a few days, at the least ten; after that she shall go.
And wanting a rest after circumnavigating the arabian desert.
⁵⁶And he said unto them, Hinder me not, seeing the LORD hath prospered my way; send me away that I may go to my master.
That alone proves his insanity.
⁵⁷And they said, We will call the damsel, and enquire at her mouth.
Like she had any say in the matter.
⁵⁸And they called Rebekah, and said unto her, Wilt thou go with this man? And she said, I will go.
⁵⁹And they sent away Rebekah their sister, and her nurse, and Abraham's servant, and his men.
Nurse ! Hang on how old is this girl ?
⁶⁰And they blessed Rebekah, and said unto her, Thou art our sister, be thou the mother of thousands of millions, and let thy seed possess the gate of those which hate them.
Which can be interpreted as .."Fuck off bitch, go copulate your cousin, conceive copiousley and create a country from your c...............offspring.
⁶¹And Rebekah arose, and her damsels, and they rode upon the camels, and followed the man: and the servant took Rebekah, and went his way.
⁶²And Isaac came from the way of the well Lahairoi; for he dwelt in the south country.
⁶³And Isaac went out to meditate in the field at the eventide: and he lifted up his eyes, and saw, and, behold, the camels were coming.
⁶⁴And Rebekah lifted up her eyes, and when she saw Isaac, she lighted off the camel.
⁶⁵For she had said unto the servant, What man is this that walketh in the field to meet us? And the servant had said, It is my master: therefore she took a vail, and covered herself.
⁶⁶And the servant told Isaac all things that he had done.
He said "Hey y'all I done fetched you your bitch. Now go do to her what your daddy desired."
⁶⁷And Isaac brought her into his mother Sarah's tent, and took Rebekah, and she became his wife; and he loved her: and Isaac was comforted after his mother's death.
Makes me wonder what Sarah was doing for her son to make him need a wife to "comfort" him after she was gone. This 37 year old unmarried lad from a family whose incestuous tendancies have survived thousands of years.

Genesis 22

Genesis 22

¹And it came to pass after these things, that God did tempt Abraham, and said unto him, Abraham: and he said, Behold, here I am.

God's still trying the cheerleader manifestation.

²And he said, Take now thy son, thine only son Isaac, whom thou lovest, and get thee into the land of Moriah; and offer him there for a burnt offering upon one of the mountains which I will tell thee of.
Would the thought of Almighty sex with the Almighty coerce you into murdering the son you have tortured yourself wanting for the last 80 or so years,and does the fact that Ishmael is elsewhere stop him being Abraham's older son.
³And Abraham rose up early in the morning, and saddled his ass, and took two of his young men with him, and Isaac his son, and clave the wood for the burnt offering, and rose up, and went unto the place of which God had told him.
⁴Then on the third day Abraham lifted up his eyes, and saw the place afar off.
This story seems to be filled with elements from another more familiar story.
Three days, Loving father Sacrificing his only begotten son.
⁵And Abraham said unto his young men, Abide ye here with the ass; and I and the lad will go yonder and worship, and come again to you.
⁶And Abraham took the wood of the burnt offering, and laid it upon Isaac his son; and he took the fire in his hand, and a knife; and they went both of them together.
⁷And Isaac spake unto Abraham his father, and said, My father: and he said, Here am I, my son. And he said, Behold the fire and the wood: but where is the lamb for a burnt offering?

How old is Isaac ?

⁸And Abraham said, My son, God will provide himself a lamb for a burnt offering: so they went both of them together.
Is not Burning children something associated with worship of the God Baal ?
⁹And they came to the place which God had told him of; and Abraham built an altar there, and laid the wood in order, and bound Isaac his son, and laid him on the altar upon the wood.

Did IKEA do flatpack alter's back then ?
¹⁰And Abraham stretched forth his hand, and took the knife to slay his son.

Just like the cliff hanger at the end of an episode of Batman.

¹¹And the angel of the LORD called unto him out of heaven, and said, Abraham, Abraham: and he said, Here am I.

So the Angel's that rescued lot had to have their arses saved by the sacrifice of lots virgin daughters virginity and this one just pop's his head over a cloud.

Continuity people continuity.
¹²And he said, Lay not thine hand upon the lad, neither do thou any thing unto him: for now I know that thou fearest God, seeing thou hast not withheld thy son, thine only son from me.

Seems alot of bother to go through as we are told God can see all we think and do.

How long after the creation are we now ? Still waiting for omniscience.

¹³And Abraham lifted up his eyes, and looked, and behold behind him a ram caught in a thicket by his horns: and Abraham went and took the ram, and offered him up for a burnt offering in the stead of his son.

At least God didn't have to do with something that tasted like pork.

¹⁴And Abraham called the name of that place Jehovahjireh: as it is said to this day, In the mount of the LORD it shall be seen.
¹⁵And the angel of the LORD called unto Abraham out of heaven the second time,
¹⁶And said, By myself have I sworn, saith the LORD, for because thou hast done this thing, and hast not withheld thy son, thine only son:
¹⁷That in blessing I will bless thee, and in multiplying I will multiply thy seed as the stars of the heaven, and as the sand which is upon the sea shore; and thy seed shall possess the gate of his enemies;

Has not this promise in essence already been made ? and I don.t think the earth is big enough to contain as many people as there are stars. God telling lies surely not again.

¹⁸And in thy seed shall all the nations of the earth be blessed; because thou hast obeyed my voice.
¹⁹So Abraham returned unto his young men, and they rose up and went together to Beersheba; and Abraham dwelt at Beersheba.
²⁰And it came to pass after these things, that it was told Abraham, saying, Behold, Milcah, she hath also born children unto thy brother Nahor;
²¹Huz his firstborn, and Buz his brother, and Kemuel the father of Aram,
²²And Chesed, and Hazo, and Pildash, and Jidlaph, and Bethuel.
²³And Bethuel begat Rebekah: these eight Milcah did bear to Nahor, Abraham's brother.²⁴And his concubine, whose name was Reumah, she bare also Tebah, and Gaham, and Thahash, and Maachah.

I thought we were concerned with Abraham's descendants not his nephews and nieces.

Genesis 21

Genesis 21

¹And the LORD visited Sarah as he had said, and the LORD did unto Sarah as he had spoken.

Is this not yet another begotten son ? How many is that now ? So much for the late great JC as being "gods only begotten son" Or perhaps we are talking of some symbolic bollocks that has yet to be confirmed.
²For Sarah conceived, and bare Abraham a son in his old age, at the set time of which God had spoken to him.
Dec 25 by any chance ?

³And Abraham called the name of his son that was born unto him, whom Sarah bare to him, Isaac.
⁴And Abraham circumcised his son Isaac being eight days old, as God had commanded him.
⁵And Abraham was an hundred years old, when his son Isaac was born unto him.
⁶And Sarah said, God hath made me to laugh, so that all that hear will laugh with me.
No dear "at you"

⁷And she said, Who would have said unto Abraham, that Sarah should have given children suck? for I have born him a son in his old age.
So was born the Idea the Catholic Priesthood holds dearest.

⁸And the child grew, and was weaned: and Abraham made a great feast the same day that Isaac was weaned.
⁹And Sarah saw the son of Hagar the Egyptian, which she had born unto Abraham, mocking.
Be fair, who in their right mind could do anything but mock.

¹⁰Wherefore she said unto Abraham, Cast out this bondwoman and her son: for the son of this bondwoman shall not be heir with my son, even with Isaac.
¹¹And the thing was very grievous in Abraham's sight because of his son.

Nothing to do with the fact that Hagar was still fit and could put on a good show for a stupid senile old man.

¹²And God said unto Abraham, Let it not be grievous in thy sight because of the lad, and because of thy bondwoman; in all that Sarah hath said unto thee, hearken unto her voice; for in Isaac shall thy seed be called.
Any thing for a quite life.

¹³And also of the son of the bondwoman will I make a nation, because he is thy seed.
God changed his plan again ?

¹⁴And Abraham rose up early in the morning, and took bread, and a bottle of water, and gave it unto Hagar, putting it on her shoulder, and the child, and sent her away: and she departed, and wandered in the wilderness of Beersheba.
¹⁵And the water was spent in the bottle, and she cast the child under one of the shrubs.
¹⁶And she went, and sat her down over against him a good way off, as it were a bow shot: for she said, Let me not see the death of the child. And she sat over against him, and lift up her voice, and wept.
¹⁷And God heard the voice of the lad; and the angel of God called to Hagar out of heaven, and said unto her, What aileth thee, Hagar? fear not; for God hath heard the voice of the lad where he is.
¹⁸Arise, lift up the lad, and hold him in thine hand; for I will make him a great nation.
¹⁹And God opened her eyes, and she saw a well of water; and she went, and filled the bottle with water, and gave the lad drink.
Is it just me or is this not a virtual retelling of the previously told story?

²⁰And God was with the lad; and he grew, and dwelt in the wilderness, and became an archer.
²¹And he dwelt in the wilderness of Paran: and his mother took him a wife out of the land of Egypt.
²²And it came to pass at that time, that Abimelech and Phichol the chief captain of his host spake unto Abraham, saying, God is with thee in all that thou doest:
²³Now therefore swear unto me here by God that thou wilt not deal falsely with me, nor with my son, nor with my son's son: but according to the kindness that I have done unto thee, thou shalt do unto me, and to the land wherein thou hast sojourned.
I am still thinking we have the ramblings of an old man on his death bed.

²⁴And Abraham said, I will swear.
²⁵And Abraham reproved Abimelech because of a well of water, which Abimelech's servants had violently taken away.
²⁶And Abimelech said, I wot not who hath done this thing; neither didst thou tell me, neither yet heard I of it, but to day.
²⁷And Abraham took sheep and oxen, and gave them unto Abimelech; and both of them made a covenant.
²⁸And Abraham set seven ewe lambs of the flock by themselves.
²⁹And Abimelech said unto Abraham, What mean these seven ewe lambs which thou hast set by themselves?
³⁰And he said, For these seven ewe lambs shalt thou take of my hand, that they may be a witness unto me, that I have digged this well.
³¹Wherefore he called that place Beersheba; because there they sware both of them.
³²Thus they made a covenant at Beersheba: then Abimelech rose up, and Phichol the chief captain of his host, and they returned into the land of the Philistines.
³³And Abraham planted a grove in Beersheba, and called there on the name of the LORD, the everlasting God.
⁴And Abraham sojourned in the Philistines' land many days.
Has anyone else noticed how certain number's keep cropping up.
Seven
Twelve
Forty