2 Samuel 9

   ¹And David said, Is there yet any that is left of the house of Saul, that I may shew him kindness for Jonathan's sake?
   ²And there was of the house of Saul a servant whose name was Ziba. And when they had called him unto David, the king said unto him, Art thou Ziba? And he said, Thy servant is he.

So, although Ziba is "of the house of Saul" he is not counted because of his social standing.

   ³And the king said, Is there not yet any of the house of Saul, that I may shew the kindness of God unto him? And Ziba said unto the king, Jonathan hath yet a son, which is lame on his feet.

 Need I mention delard hates cripples lev 21:18 
Could the reason be that delard made him incorrectly and it shows that he is infallible? 

                                                              Hope Chapel Quartet

                                                       22606 - No Cripples In Heaven
                                                  (R.L. Mabe, Sound Inc Music, BMI)


   ⁴And the king said unto him, Where is he? And Ziba said unto the king, Behold, he is in the house of Machir, the son of Ammiel, in Lodebar.
   ⁵Then king David sent, and fetched him out of the house of Machir, the son of Ammiel, from Lodebar.
   ⁶Now when Mephibosheth, the son of Jonathan, the son of Saul, was come unto David, he fell on his face, and did reverence. And David said, Mephibosheth. And he answered, Behold thy servant!

Please note when taking a cripple home dont forget his zimmer frame.

 
   ⁷And David said unto him, Fear not: for I will surely shew thee kindness for Jonathan thy father's sake, and will restore thee all the land of Saul thy father; and thou shalt eat bread at my table continually.
   ⁸And he bowed himself, and said, What is thy servant, that thou shouldest look upon such a dead dog as I am?
   ⁹Then the king called to Ziba, Saul's servant, and said unto him, I have given unto thy master's son all that pertained to Saul and to all his house.
   ¹⁰Thou therefore, and thy sons, and thy servants, shall till the land for him, and thou shalt bring in the fruits, that thy master's son may have food to eat: but Mephibosheth thy master's son shall eat bread always at my table. Now Ziba had fifteen sons and twenty servants.

So Davids "kindness" to one man that delard despises involves the comtinued enslavement of another mans whole family, and to cap it all another twenty people which are the servants servants.
 Let's face it in delards world these would be either women or people of a different race.

   ¹¹Then said Ziba unto the king, According to all that my lord the king hath commanded his servant, so shall thy servant do. As for Mephibosheth, said the king, he shall eat at my table, as one of the king's sons.
   ¹²And Mephibosheth had a young son, whose name was Micha. And all that dwelt in the house of Ziba were servants unto Mephibosheth.
   ¹³So Mephibosheth dwelt in Jerusalem: for he did eat continually at the king's table; and was lame on both his feet.

2 Samuel 3

   ¹Now there was long war between the house of Saul and the house of David: but David waxed stronger and stronger, and the house of Saul waxed weaker and weaker.

I don't think we a talking a brazilian here! But seriously long war? We have just been told that Ishbosheth reigned for only two years. As wars go it, must surely be classed as a fairly short one.
   ²And unto David were sons born in Hebron: and his firstborn was Amnon, of Ahinoam the Jezreelitess;

He couldn't have been that busy warring. Mind you with the reputation of his predessesors as lovers taken into consideration perhaps he didn't lose much time from the fighting.
 
   ³And his second, Chileab, of Abigail the wife of Nabal the Carmelite; and the third, Absalom the son of Maacah the daughter of Talmai king of Geshur;
   ⁴And the fourth, Adonijah the son of Haggith; and the fifth, Shephatiah the son of Abital;
   ⁵And the sixth, Ithream, by Eglah David's wife. These were born to David in Hebron.

Six wives to take Johnathons place, I wonder whether any resembled him? 

   ⁶And it came to pass, while there was war between the house of Saul and the house of David, that Abner made himself strong for the house of Saul.
   ⁷And Saul had a concubine, whose name was Rizpah, the daughter of Aiah: and Ishbosheth said to Abner, Wherefore hast thou gone in unto my father's concubine?

The only reason I can think of as to why he should be bothered is he wanted too, unlucky should have been quicker, or maybe nicer and probably better looking.

   ⁸Then was Abner very wroth for the words of Ishbosheth, and said, Am I a dog's head, which against Judah do shew kindness this day unto the house of Saul thy father, to his brethren, and to his friends, and have not delivered thee into the hand of David, that thou chargest me to day with a fault concerning this woman?

I think Issy shouldn't have asked, jealously aside, why do people make judgements of other peoples sex life?

   ⁹So do God to Abner, and more also, except, as the LORD hath sworn to David, even so I do to him;
 The NLT puts that line this way

⁹ May God strike me and even kill me if I don’t do everything I can to help David get what the LORD has promised him!

   ¹⁰To translate the kingdom from the house of Saul, and to set up the throne of David over Israel and over Judah, from Dan even to Beersheba.
   ¹¹And he could not answer Abner a word again, because he feared him.

Now I wouldn't have thought that you would ask someone you feared questions like Who the fuck do you think you are? Fuckin Dad's bird before he's cold. Then again, if you are offendd by such a question, surely a smack in the mouth would be the normal response.
I see that is the answer to my question " Normal" These are not only Israelites sorting out petty sqabbles  but royalty and upper class. To satisfy thier ego's they will make thousands of innocent and not so well off people, kill each other.

   ¹²And Abner sent messengers to David on his behalf, saying, Whose is the land? saying also, Make thy league with me, and, behold, my hand shall be with thee, to bring about all Israel unto thee.
   ¹³And he said, Well; I will make a league with thee: but one thing I require of thee, that is, Thou shalt not see my face, except thou first bring Michal Saul's daughter, when thou comest to see my face.
   ¹⁴And David sent messengers to Ishbosheth Saul's son, saying, Deliver me my wife Michal, which I espoused to me for an hundred foreskins of the Philistines.

I'll bet she looked like her brother, infact I reckon on a moonlit night bent over a sleeping camel you wouldn't be able to tell them apart.  Well, once she got worn in as well as Johnathen had been.

   ¹⁵And Ishbosheth sent, and took her from her husband, even from Phaltiel the son of Laish.
   ¹⁶And her husband went with her along weeping behind her to Bahurim. Then said Abner unto him, Go, return. And he returned.

He wept!!?
Must have been because the price paid was not enought to get him a younger better looking model. 
 
   ¹⁷And Abner had communication with the elders of Israel, saying, Ye sought for David in times past to be king over you:
   ¹⁸Now then do it: for the LORD hath spoken of David, saying, By the hand of my servant David I will save my people Israel out of the hand of the Philistines, and out of the hand of all their enemies.
   ¹⁹And Abner also spake in the ears of Benjamin: and Abner went also to speak in the ears of David in Hebron all that seemed good to Israel, and that seemed good to the whole house of Benjamin.
   ²⁰So Abner came to David to Hebron, and twenty men with him. And David made Abner and the men that were with him a feast.
   ²¹And Abner said unto David, I will arise and go, and will gather all Israel unto my lord the king, that they may make a league with thee, and that thou mayest reign over all that thine heart desireth. And David sent Abner away; and he went in peace.
   ²²And, behold, the servants of David and Joab came from pursuing a troop, and brought in a great spoil with them: but Abner was not with David in Hebron; for he had sent him away, and he was gone in peace.
   ²³When Joab and all the host that was with him were come, they told Joab, saying, Abner the son of Ner came to the king, and he hath sent him away, and he is gone in peace.
   ²⁴Then Joab came to the king, and said, What hast thou done? behold, Abner came unto thee; why is it that thou hast sent him away, and he is quite gone?
   ²⁵Thou knowest Abner the son of Ner, that he came to deceive thee, and to know thy going out and thy coming in, and to know all that thou doest.
   ²⁶And when Joab was come out from David, he sent messengers after Abner, which brought him again from the well of Sirah: but David knew it not.
   ²⁷And when Abner was returned to Hebron, Joab took him aside in the gate to speak with him quietly, and smote him there under the fifth rib, that he died, for the blood of Asahel his brother.
   ²⁸And afterward when David heard it, he said, I and my kingdom are guiltless before the LORD for ever from the blood of Abner the son of Ner:
   ²⁹Let it rest on the head of Joab, and on all his father's house; and let there not fail from the house of Joab one that hath an issue, or that is a leper, or that leaneth on a staff, or that falleth on the sword, or that lacketh bread.

So although Joab got wrongful but understanderble revenge on his brother's killer, he and his fathers family a cursed forever. Now while I understand that from David's point of veiw it could jepordise some if not all of the alliences he and Joab had discussed surely then jumping back a generation is overkill. Sorry I forgot who I was talking about. On second thoughts admire David for showing more restraint than his ancestors.
 
   ³⁰So Joab, and Abishai his brother slew Abner, because he had slain their brother Asahel at Gibeon in the battle.

pic from Motorcycle funerals ltd.

   ³¹And David said to Joab, and to all the people that were with him, Rend your clothes, and gird you with sackcloth, and mourn before Abner. And king David himself followed the bier.

Bier means a kind of hand cart, but now equates to what we would now call a hearse

   ³²And they buried Abner in Hebron: and the king lifted up his voice, and wept at the grave of Abner; and all the people wept.
   ³³And the king lamented over Abner, and said, Died Abner as a fool dieth?
   ³⁴Thy hands were not bound, nor thy feet put into fetters: as a man falleth before wicked men, so fellest thou. And all the people wept again over him.
   ³⁵And when all the people came to cause David to eat meat while it was yet day, David sware, saying, So do God to me, and more also, if I taste bread, or ought else, till the sun be down.
   ³⁶And all the people took notice of it, and it pleased them: as whatsoever the king did pleased all the people.
   ³⁷For all the people and all Israel understood that day that it was not of the king to slay Abner the son of Ner.
   ³⁸And the king said unto his servants, Know ye not that there is a prince and a great man fallen this day in Israel?
   ³⁹And I am this day weak, though anointed king; and these men the sons of Zeruiah be too hard for me: the LORD shall reward the doer of evil according to his wickedness.

1 Samuel Recap

 I actually enjoyed reading this book, although you wouldn't think so seeings how long it took.

So we start this book with the familiar tale of a barren woman,married to an old man. We know she is the infertile one in the relationship as there is another wife with children. There is no mention whether these children look more like “uncle Abu Ben Fucker” or their “father”

After “visiting” the local priest and his sons, the barren wife is found unconscious as if drunken and then the following day miraculously conceives as she does after every following annual visit.

The legitimate sons of Eli the priest are greedy and known for taking whatever they fancy.

Eli takes her first-born under his wing and teaches him the priestly duties as he did with his own sons.

As the years go by young Sam hears de lard whispering sweet nothings as he spends nights staying with his grandad mentor.

We then get into a war with the Philistines with a smattering of prophesy and fables thrown in to blame the pasting the Israelites get on Eli and his sons that are all dead after the battle. Eli died after falling off his chair.

During this battle the Philistines capture the fabled ark the Israelites are apparently more upset about losing their magic box than they are about losing their friends and relatives.

The Philistines are struck with piles, supposedly as a punishment from de lard. Strange how after proving himself by being a pain in their collective arses they do not bow down and worship him. The result of this, is for the Philistines utilising the foremost science and medicine of the time. Throw the ark, accompanied by some mice and haemorrhoids made of gold into a cart drawn by some ex heifer's, then release them. I wonder whether that's where the phrase “Having piles of gold come from.”

The cows take the Ark to the Levites who upon receipt of de lards box are rewarded by de lards gratitude with 50,000 dead.(20,000)more than those that died when they lost the Ark). We must however remember maths are not the scribes strong point.

Twenty years down the line Sam still has his invisible friend and decides the Israelites must stop worshipping Baalim(gods) and Ashteroth(Mrs de lard) To do this he calls all the Israelites together. The Philistines would have seized this opportunity to finish them off but Sam called up the power of de lard by butchering a lamb so de lard would scare them with a thunderstorm.

Sam is promoted to seer and sees himself as king, something the people do not want, strangely enough, de lard agrees with them.

Enter Saul from stage left. Saul is taken under Sam’s wing and chosen to be king. The relationship between Sam and Saul seems to be more than just friends. Even so Saul manages to father Johnathan.

Saul settles into his kingly role and starts to antagonize the Philistines the narrative seems to lose the plot and any grasp of mathematics when reporting skirmishes.

We then get into a couple of incidents that involve de omniscient one admitting to lack of fore sight and mistakes so repenting and changing his mind. Sam dies and Saul, either through grief or just being inept, becomes the crappiest crappy king in crapland.

We then have the David and Goliath tale quickly followed by Jonny and David getting friendly, very friendly. A relationship that Saul disapproves of so much he “gives” him his daughter as a wife. Yet demanding 100 Philistine foreskins as a payment. David killed 200 men to get these???

Saul was not happy with David’s success and wanted to kill him, Johnny made him promise that he would not. A promise as good as de lards, as he tried but David escaped.

He assembles a small band of men and roams Saul follows in two or one encounters David could have killed Saul and didn't. They then have two or one pow wows which ends with Saul admitting he was wrong and allowing David and his merry men to go on their way. They go to the land of the Philistines and get less shit of their”enemies” than they got from their kinsmen. In return he and his men became mercenaries for the philistines but without the philistines softer side.

Saul battles with the Philistines and johnny is killed.

Saul shows his cowardice bravery and lack of dignity by topping himself

To,sum it all up Power, Gay sex Power more gay sex with a shit load of death thrown in.

1 Samuel 28

   ¹And it came to pass in those days, that the Philistines gathered their armies together for warfare, to fight with Israel. And Achish said unto David, Know thou assuredly, that thou shalt go out with me to battle, thou and thy men.
   ²And David said to Achish, Surely thou shalt know what thy servant can do. And Achish said to David, Therefore will I make thee keeper of mine head for ever.

It's really not me,for it is written.
 
   ³Now Samuel was dead, and all Israel had lamented him, and buried him in Ramah, even in his own city. And Saul had put away those that had familiar spirits, and the wizards, out of the land.
   ⁴And the Philistines gathered themselves together, and came and pitched in Shunem: and Saul gathered all Israel together, and they pitched in Gilboa.
   ⁵And when Saul saw the host of the Philistines, he was afraid, and his heart greatly trembled.

Showing a lot of faith in de lard ther Saul.
 
   ⁶And when Saul enquired of the LORD, the LORD answered him not, neither by dreams, nor by Urim, nor by prophets.

 Shame no mobile phones, perhaps de lard was asleep or busy


   ⁷Then said Saul unto his servants, Seek me a woman that hath a familiar spirit, that I may go to her, and enquire of her. And his servants said to him, Behold, there is a woman that hath a familiar spirit at Endor.

So Saul kicks out all the women with "familiar spirits" and then promptly finds one, sounds like his decrees are as effective as his invisible freind's
 

   ⁸And Saul disguised himself, and put on other raiment, and he went, and two men with him, and they came to the woman by night: and he said, I pray thee, divine unto me by the familiar spirit, and bring me him up, whom I shall name unto thee.
   ⁹And the woman said unto him, Behold, thou knowest what Saul hath done, how he hath cut off those that have familiar spirits, and the wizards, out of the land: wherefore then layest thou a snare for my life, to cause me to die?

   ¹⁰And Saul sware to her by the LORD, saying, As the LORD liveth, there shall no punishment happen to thee for this thing.

Some questions here.
1. She did not know Saul was Saul, so why should she believe him? In fact why should she trust him even if she did see through his "disguise"?
2.Assuming from christian teaching she would come under the blanket of people wrongly called witch. Is there not a couple of rules regarding people of her profession within the laws of Moses.
Exodus 22:18, Although witch in this instance meant poisoner.
Duet 18:10
and also in 1 Samuel 15:23. 
 
   ¹¹Then said the woman, Whom shall I bring up unto thee? And he said, Bring me up Samuel.
   ¹²And when the woman saw Samuel, she cried with a loud voice: and the woman spake to Saul, saying, Why hast thou deceived me? for thou art Saul.
   ¹³And the king said unto her, Be not afraid: for what sawest thou? And the woman said unto Saul, I saw gods ascending out of the earth.

"Gods" again the bible states there are multiple gods

   ¹⁴And he said unto her, What form is he of? And she said, An old man cometh up; and he is covered with a mantle. And Saul perceived that it was Samuel, and he stooped with his face to the ground, and bowed himself

The tenets of cold reading, posibly the greatest skill of a good "Medium". or any other form of con artist.

   ¹⁵And Samuel said to Saul, Why hast thou disquieted me, to bring me up? And Saul answered, I am sore distressed; for the Philistines make war against me, and God is departed from me, and answereth me no more, neither by prophets, nor by dreams: therefore I have called thee, that thou mayest make known unto me what I shall do.
   ¹⁶Then said Samuel, Wherefore then dost thou ask of me, seeing the LORD is departed from thee, and is become thine enemy?
   ¹⁷And the LORD hath done to him, as he spake by me: for the LORD hath rent the kingdom out of thine hand, and given it to thy neighbour, even to David:
   ¹⁸Because thou obeyedst not the voice of the LORD, nor executedst his fierce wrath upon Amalek, therefore hath the LORD done this thing unto thee this day.
   ¹⁹Moreover the LORD will also deliver Israel with thee into the hand of the Philistines: and to morrow shalt thou and thy sons be with me: the LORD also shall deliver the host of Israel into the hand of the Philistines.
   ²⁰Then Saul fell straightway all along on the earth, and was sore afraid, because of the words of Samuel: and there was no strength in him; for he had eaten no bread all the day, nor all the night.
   ²¹And the woman came unto Saul, and saw that he was sore troubled, and said unto him, Behold, thine handmaid hath obeyed thy voice, and I have put my life in my hand, and have hearkened unto thy words which thou spakest unto me.

For some reason Phil Collins has just jumped into my head.

It really is no wonder Saul is losing his country, as crap kings go he must rate as one of the crappiest.
 
   ²²Now therefore, I pray thee, hearken thou also unto the voice of thine handmaid, and let me set a morsel of bread before thee; and eat, that thou mayest have strength, when thou goest on thy way.
   ²³But he refused, and said, I will not eat. But his servants, together with the woman, compelled him; and he hearkened unto their voice. So he arose from the earth, and sat upon the bed.
   ²⁴And the woman had a fat calf in the house; and she hasted, and killed it, and took flour, and kneaded it, and did bake unleavened bread thereof:
   ²⁵And she brought it before Saul, and before his servants; and they did eat. Then they rose up, and went away that night.

1 Samuel 26

  ¹And the Ziphites came unto Saul to Gibeah, saying, Doth not David hide himself in the hill of Hachilah, which is before Jeshimon?    ²Then Saul arose, and went down to the wilderness of Ziph, having three thousand chosen men of Israel with him, to seek David in the wilderness of Ziph.
   ³And Saul pitched in the hill of Hachilah, which is before Jeshimon, by the way. But David abode in the wilderness, and he saw that Saul came after him into the wilderness.

Hang on, hang on, stop right there.

The last time we saw Saul and David meet, they came to a truce, an uneasy truce I grant you,but Saul had agreed to let David be. 

   ⁴David therefore sent out spies, and understood that Saul was come in very deed.
   ⁵And David arose, and came to the place where Saul had pitched: and David beheld the place where Saul lay, and Abner the son of Ner, the captain of his host: and Saul lay in the trench, and the people pitched round about him.

Aaarrggghh! There it goes again more smut and innuendo.
 
   ⁶Then answered David and said to Ahimelech the Hittite, and to Abishai the son of Zeruiah, brother to Joab, saying, Who will go down with me to Saul to the camp? And Abishai said, I will go down with thee.
   ⁷So David and Abishai came to the people by night: and, behold, Saul lay sleeping within the trench, and his spear stuck in the ground at his bolster: but Abner and the people lay round about him.
   ⁸Then said Abishai to David, God hath delivered thine enemy into thine hand this day: now therefore let me smite him, I pray thee, with the spear even to the earth at once, and I will not smite him the second time.


What? David could have killed him in chapter 24, while Saul was taking a shit.
 
   ⁹And David said to Abishai, Destroy him not: for who can stretch forth his hand against the LORD's anointed, and be guiltless?
   ¹⁰David said furthermore, As the LORD liveth, the LORD shall smite him; or his day shall come to die; or he shall descend into battle, and perish.
   ¹¹The LORD forbid that I should stretch forth mine hand against the LORD's anointed: but, I pray thee, take thou now the spear that is at his bolster, and the cruse of water, and let us go.

How things have changed. In my circle of freinds nothing is sacred, you count yourself lucky if all you do is find a rude word in indellible ink scrawled across your forehead losing a spear and a drink is nothing.


   ¹²So David took the spear and the cruse of water from Saul's bolster; and they gat them away, and no man saw it, nor knew it, neither awaked: for they were all asleep; because a deep sleep from the LORD was fallen upon them.

I have to ask has Saul got really crap guards or is David actually a ninja?
 
   ¹³Then David went over to the other side, and stood on the top of an hill afar off; a great space being between them:
   ¹⁴And David cried to the people, and to Abner the son of Ner, saying, Answerest thou not, Abner? Then Abner answered and said, Who art thou that criest to the king?
   ¹⁵And David said to Abner, Art not thou a valiant man? and who is like to thee in Israel? wherefore then hast thou not kept thy lord the king? for there came one of the people in to destroy the king thy lord.
   ¹⁶This thing is not good that thou hast done. As the LORD liveth, ye are worthy to die, because ye have not kept your master, the LORD's anointed. And now see where the king's spear is, and the cruse of water that was at his bolster.
   ¹⁷And Saul knew David's voice, and said, Is this thy voice, my son David? And David said, It is my voice, my lord, O king.
   ¹⁸And he said, Wherefore doth my lord thus pursue after his servant? for what have I done? or what evil is in mine hand?
   ¹⁹Now therefore, I pray thee, let my lord the king hear the words of his servant. If the LORD have stirred thee up against me, let him accept an offering: but if they be the children of men, cursed be they before the LORD; for they have driven me out this day from abiding in the inheritance of the LORD, saying, Go, serve other gods.
   ²⁰Now therefore, let not my blood fall to the earth before the face of the LORD: for the king of Israel is come out to seek a flea, as when one doth hunt a partridge in the mountains.
   ²¹Then said Saul, I have sinned: return, my son David: for I will no more do thee harm, because my soul was precious in thine eyes this day: behold, I have played the fool, and have erred exceedingly.
   ²²And David answered and said, Behold the king's spear! and let one of the young men come over and fetch it.
   ²³The LORD render to every man his righteousness and his faithfulness; for the LORD delivered thee into my hand to day, but I would not stretch forth mine hand against the LORD's anointed.
   ²⁴And, behold, as thy life was much set by this day in mine eyes, so let my life be much set by in the eyes of the LORD, and let him deliver me out of all tribulation.
   ²⁵Then Saul said to David, Blessed be thou, my son David: thou shalt both do great things, and also shalt still prevail. So David went on his way, and Saul returned to his place.

From chapter 24
  14After whom is the king of Israel come out? after whom dost thou pursue? after a dead dog, after a flea.    15The LORD therefore be judge, and judge between me and thee, and see, and plead my cause, and deliver me out of thine hand.    16And it came to pass, when David had made an end of speaking these words unto Saul, that Saul said, Is this thy voice, my son David? And Saul lifted up his voice, and wept.    17And he said to David, Thou art more righteous than I: for thou hast rewarded me good, whereas I have rewarded thee evil.    18And thou hast shewed this day how that thou hast dealt well with me: forasmuch as when the LORD had delivered me into thine hand, thou killedst me not.    19For if a man find his enemy, will he let him go well away? wherefore the LORD reward thee good for that thou hast done unto me this day.    20And now, behold, I know well that thou shalt surely be king, and that the kingdom of Israel shall be established in thine hand.    21Swear now therefore unto me by the LORD, that thou wilt not cut off my seed after me, and that thou wilt not destroy my name out of my father's house.    22And David sware unto Saul. And Saul went home; but David and his men gat them up unto the hold.

This has to be a rehashing of the same tale in chapter 24 Saul totally and without knowing is at Davids mercy. David spares him and after Saul admits he has been a naughty boy they then kiss and make up.

1 Samuel 25

   ¹And Samuel died; and all the Israelites were gathered together, and lamented him, and buried him in his house at Ramah. And David arose, and went down to the wilderness of Paran.
   ²And there was a man in Maon, whose possessions were in Carmel; and the man was very great, and he had three thousand sheep, and a thousand goats: and he was shearing his sheep in Carmel.
   ³Now the name of the man was Nabal; and the name of his wife Abigail: and she was a woman of good understanding, and of a beautiful countenance: but the man was churlish and evil in his doings; and he was of the house of Caleb.

Hmmm.

   ⁴And David heard in the wilderness that Nabal did shear his sheep.

Shear not share?

   ⁵And David sent out ten young men, and David said unto the young men, Get you up to Carmel, and go to Nabal, and greet him in my name:
   ⁶And thus shall ye say to him that liveth in prosperity, Peace be both to thee, and peace be to thine house, and peace be unto all that thou hast.

Call me cynical, but I think this greeting, combined with the proximity of a beautiful woman has sealed Nabals fate.
 
   ⁷And now I have heard that thou hast shearers: now thy shepherds which were with us, we hurt them not, neither was there ought missing unto them, all the while they were in Carmel.
   ⁸Ask thy young men, and they will shew thee. Wherefore let the young men find favour in thine eyes: for we come in a good day: give, I pray thee, whatsoever cometh to thine hand unto thy servants, and to thy son David.
   ⁹And when David's young men came, they spake to Nabal according to all those words in the name of David, and ceased.
   ¹⁰And Nabal answered David's servants, and said, Who is David? and who is the son of Jesse? there be many servants now a days that break away every man from his master.
   ¹¹Shall I then take my bread, and my water, and my flesh that I have killed for my shearers, and give it unto men, whom I know not whence they be? 

Didn't the laws of Moses say he should welcom strangers, travellers and fellow Israelites? He should be careful or he may bring the wrath of de lard on himself.
 
   ¹²So David's young men turned their way, and went again, and came and told him all those sayings.
   ¹³And David said unto his men, Gird ye on every man his sword. And they girded on every man his sword; and David also girded on his sword: and there went up after David about four hundred men; and two hundred abode by the stuff.

Buggar me the numbers of men are for once consistant.


   ¹⁴But one of the young men told Abigail, Nabal's wife, saying, Behold, David sent messengers out of the wilderness to salute our master; and he railed on them.
   ¹⁵But the men were very good unto us, and we were not hurt, neither missed we any thing, as long as we were conversant with them, when we were in the fields:
   ¹⁶They were a wall unto us both by night and day, all the while we were with them keeping the sheep.
   ¹⁷Now therefore know and consider what thou wilt do; for evil is determined against our master, and against all his household: for he is such a son of Belial, that a man cannot speak to him.

In modern parlance being a child of Belial would equate to "worthless, untrustworthy sonnofabitch"
 
   ¹⁸Then Abigail made haste, and took two hundred loaves, and two bottles of wine, and five sheep ready dressed, and five measures of parched corn, and an hundred clusters of raisins, and two hundred cakes of figs, and laid them on asses. 
   ¹⁹And she said unto her servants, Go on before me; behold, I come after you. But she told not her husband Nabal.

Without her husbands knowledge and permission, ooh dear if he finds out she could get stoned and not in a good way.
 
   ²⁰And it was so, as she rode on the ass, that she came down by the covert on the hill, and, behold, David and his men came down against her; and she met them.
   ²¹Now David had said, Surely in vain have I kept all that this fellow hath in the wilderness, so that nothing was missed of all that pertained unto him: and he hath requited me evil for good.
   ²²So and more also do God unto the enemies of David, if I leave of all that pertain to him by the morning light any that pisseth against the wall.

What? 
The NLT has this

²⁰ As she was riding her donkey into a mountain ravine, she saw David and his men coming toward her. ²¹ David had just been saying, “A lot of good it did to help this fellow. We protected his flocks in the wilderness, and nothing he owned was lost or stolen. But he has repaid me evil for good.  

²² May God strike me and kill me^[c] if even one man of his household is still alive tomorrow morning!”

That is clearer, but no mention of pissing up a wall.
 
²³And when Abigail saw David, she hasted, and lighted off the ass, and fell before David on her face, and bowed herself to the ground,
   ²⁴And fell at his feet, and said, Upon me, my lord, upon me let this iniquity be: and let thine handmaid, I pray thee, speak in thine audience, and hear the words of thine handmaid.
   ²⁵Let not my lord, I pray thee, regard this man of Belial, even Nabal: for as his name is, so is he; Nabal is his name, and folly is with him: but I thine handmaid saw not the young men of my lord, whom thou didst send.
   ²⁶Now therefore, my lord, as the LORD liveth, and as thy soul liveth, seeing the LORD hath withholden thee from coming to shed blood, and from avenging thyself with thine own hand, now let thine enemies, and they that seek evil to my lord, be as Nabal.
   ²⁷And now this blessing which thine handmaid hath brought unto my lord, let it even be given unto the young men that follow my lord.
   ²⁸I pray thee, forgive the trespass of thine handmaid: for the LORD will certainly make my lord a sure house; because my lord fighteth the battles of the LORD, and evil hath not been found in thee all thy days

So David's relationship with Johnathen was either not public knowledge or was not seen as a bad thing..



   ²⁹Yet a man is risen to pursue thee, and to seek thy soul: but the soul of my lord shall be bound in the bundle of life with the LORD thy God; and the souls of thine enemies, them shall he sling out, as out of the middle of a sling.

NLT has this

   ²⁹ “Even when you are chased by those who seek to kill you, your life is safe in the care of the Lord your God, secure in his treasure pouch.

Bundle of life or trasure pouch? Perhaps posing pouch would be a better translation?

   ³⁰And it shall come to pass, when the LORD shall have done to my lord according to all the good that he hath spoken concerning thee, and shall have appointed thee ruler over Israel;
   ³¹That this shall be no grief unto thee, nor offence of heart unto my lord, either that thou hast shed blood causeless, or that my lord hath avenged himself: but when the LORD shall have dealt well with my lord, then remember thine handmaid.
   ³²And David said to Abigail, Blessed be the LORD God of Israel, which sent thee this day to meet me:
   ³³And blessed be thy advice, and blessed be thou, which hast kept me this day from coming to shed blood, and from avenging myself with mine own hand.
   ³⁴For in very deed, as the LORD God of Israel liveth, which hath kept me back from hurting thee, except thou hadst hasted and come to meet me, surely there had not been left unto Nabal by the morning light any that pisseth against the wall.
   ³⁵So David received of her hand that which she had brought him, and said unto her, Go up in peace to thine house; see, I have hearkened to thy voice, and have accepted thy person.
   ³⁶And Abigail came to Nabal; and, behold, he held a feast in his house, like the feast of a king; and Nabal's heart was merry within him, for he was very drunken: wherefore she told him nothing, less or more, until the morning light.

   ³⁷But it came to pass in the morning, when the wine was gone out of Nabal, and his wife had told him these things, that his heart died within him, and he became as a stone.
   ³⁸And it came to pass about ten days after, that the LORD smote Nabal, that he died.

I said that would happen, fuck me I am a prophet!
 
   ³⁹And when David heard that Nabal was dead, he said, Blessed be the LORD, that hath pleaded the cause of my reproach from the hand of Nabal, and hath kept his servant from evil: for the LORD hath returned the wickedness of Nabal upon his own head. And David sent and communed with Abigail, to take her to him to wife.
   ⁴⁰And when the servants of David were come to Abigail to Carmel, they spake unto her, saying, David sent us unto thee, to take thee to him to wife.
   ⁴¹And she arose, and bowed herself on her face to the earth, and said, Behold, let thine handmaid be a servant to wash the feet of the servants of my lord.
   ⁴²And Abigail hasted, and arose and rode upon an ass, with five damsels of hers that went after her; and she went after the messengers of David, and became his wife.
   ⁴³David also took Ahinoam of Jezreel; and they were also both of them his wives.
   ⁴⁴But Saul had given Michal his daughter, David's wife, to Phalti the son of Laish, which was of Gallim.

1 Samuel 24

   ¹And it came to pass, when Saul was returned from following the Philistines, that it was told him, saying, Behold, David is in the wilderness of Engedi.

   ²Then Saul took three thousand chosen men out of all Israel, and went to seek David and his men upon the rocks of the wild goats.
   ³And he came to the sheepcotes by the way, where was a cave; and Saul went in to cover his feet: and David and his men remained in the sides of the cave.

If youy can't be bothered to click on the link "cover his feet" means going for a crap. You would have thought someone of his station would have been more careful.

   ⁴And the men of David said unto him, Behold the day of which the LORD said unto thee, Behold, I will deliver thine enemy into thine hand, that thou mayest do to him as it shall seem good unto thee. Then David arose, and cut off the skirt of Saul's robe privily.
   ⁵And it came to pass afterward, that David's heart smote him, because he had cut off Saul's skirt.
   ⁶And he said unto his men, The LORD forbid that I should do this thing unto my master, the LORD's anointed, to stretch forth mine hand against him, seeing he is the anointed of the LORD.
   ⁷So David stayed his servants with these words, and suffered them not to rise against Saul. But Saul rose up out of the cave, and went on his way.
   ⁸David also arose afterward, and went out of the cave, and cried after Saul, saying, My lord the king. And when Saul looked behind him, David stooped with his face to the earth, and bowed himself. 
   ⁹And David said to Saul, Wherefore hearest thou men's words, saying, Behold, David seeketh thy hurt?
   ¹⁰Behold, this day thine eyes have seen how that the LORD had delivered thee to day into mine hand in the cave: and some bade me kill thee: but mine eye spared thee; and I said, I will not put forth mine hand against my lord; for he is the LORD's anointed.
   ¹¹Moreover, my father, see, yea, see the skirt of thy robe in my hand: for in that I cut off the skirt of thy robe, and killed thee not, know thou and see that there is neither evil nor transgression in mine hand, and I have not sinned against thee; yet thou huntest my soul to take it.

I was wondering why David was close enough to Saul to quite literally smell him, and only cuts a bit of his skirt? I was thinking what did he do with it. The only use I could think of was to pass it to Saul so he could wipe his arse.

   ¹²The LORD judge between me and thee, and the LORD avenge me of thee: but mine hand shall not be upon thee.
   ¹³As saith the proverb of the ancients, Wickedness proceedeth from the wicked: but mine hand shall not be upon thee.
   ¹⁴After whom is the king of Israel come out? after whom dost thou pursue? after a dead dog, after a flea.
   ¹⁵The LORD therefore be judge, and judge between me and thee, and see, and plead my cause, and deliver me out of thine hand.
   ¹⁶And it came to pass, when David had made an end of speaking these words unto Saul, that Saul said, Is this thy voice, my son David? And Saul lifted up his voice, and wept.
   ¹⁷And he said to David, Thou art more righteous than I: for thou hast rewarded me good, whereas I have rewarded thee evil.
   ¹⁸And thou hast shewed this day how that thou hast dealt well with me: forasmuch as when the LORD had delivered me into thine hand, thou killedst me not.
   ¹⁹For if a man find his enemy, will he let him go well away? wherefore the LORD reward thee good for that thou hast done unto me this day.
   ²⁰And now, behold, I know well that thou shalt surely be king, and that the kingdom of Israel shall be established in thine hand.
   ²¹Swear now therefore unto me by the LORD, that thou wilt not cut off my seed after me, and that thou wilt not destroy my name out of my father's house.
   ²²And David sware unto Saul. And Saul went home; but David and his men gat them up unto the hold.

Smooth talkin bastard. Still smells like bullshit to me but it may just have been Sauls feet.

1 Samuel 23

s   ¹Then they told David, saying, Behold, the Philistines fight against Keilah, and they rob the threshingfloors.

Would "They". Have been so ready to complain if they behaved like the Israelites and "killed every living thing, instead of the sweepings off the threshing floors?

   ²Therefore David enquired of the LORD, saying, Shall I go and smite these Philistines? And the LORD said unto David, Go, and smite the Philistines, and save Keilah.

So, here we are not two chapters away from David losing the plot and surprise surprise David is not only talking to de lard but hearing his replies too. It continually amazes me, that, as the most studied book in the world, the so called learned scolars have missed so much. So many things attributed to the power and wisdom of de lard and yet so many of his "leader's" are suffering from obvious and acute  delusions.

   ³And David's men said unto him, Behold, we be afraid here in Judah: how much more then if we come to Keilah against the armies of the Philistines?

   ⁴Then David enquired of the LORD yet again. And the LORD answered him and said, Arise, go down to Keilah; for I will deliver the Philistines into thine hand.


   ⁵So David and his men went to Keilah, and fought with the Philistines, and brought away their cattle, and smote them with a great slaughter. So David saved the inhabitants of Keilah.


   ⁶And it came to pass, when Abiathar the son of Ahimelech fled to David to Keilah, that he came down with an ephod in his hand.


   ⁷And it was told Saul that David was come to Keilah. And Saul said, God hath delivered him into mine hand; for he is shut in, by entering into a town that hath gates and bars

Saul thinks god is with him, David thinks god is on his side.  I think at least one of these nutjobs believers is mistaken.

  ⁸And Saul called all the people together to war, to go down to Keilah, to besiege David and his men.


   ⁹And David knew that Saul secretly practised mischief against him; and he said to Abiathar the priest, Bring hither the ephod.

"secretly practised mischief" Is this meaning the public demand for the death of David or has Saul developed a crush on his son's lover?
   ¹⁰Then said David, O LORD God of Israel, thy servant hath certainly heard that Saul seeketh to come to Keilah, to destroy the city for my sake

Hmm unless it is sexual desire I think the secret is out.
 .
   ¹¹Will the men of Keilah deliver me up into his hand? will Saul come down, as thy servant hath heard? O LORD God of Israel, I beseech thee, tell thy servant. And the LORD said, He will come down.

   ¹²Then said David, Will the men of Keilah deliver me and my men into the hand of Saul? And the LORD said, They will deliver thee up.

So is de lard on David's side as he thinks? Maybe after all he has just pointed out that the people of Keilah are true Israelites and true to thier heritage, cannot be trusted, even when owing a huge debt. 

   ¹³Then David and his men, which were about six hundred, arose and departed out of Keilah, and went whithersoever they could go. 

Hang on....


....David and his "troops"m have just fought a bloody battle with the philistines and yet instead of showing losses his army has now increased by 50%. Ah well if you can put lipstick on a pig I suppose you can dress cows in armour.

And it was told Saul that David was escaped from Keilah; and he forbare to go forth.
   ¹⁴And David abode in the wilderness in strong holds, and remained in a mountain in the wilderness of Ziph. And Saul sought him every day, but God delivered him not into his hand.

Of course that explains Davids madness he has caught Ziph  ilous.
Sorry about that.
 
   ¹⁵And David saw that Saul was come out to seek his life: and David was in the wilderness of Ziph in a wood.
   ¹⁶And Jonathan Saul's son arose, and went to David into the wood, and strengthened his hand in God.

As soon as those two get together its sex sex sex.
 
   ¹⁷And he said unto him, Fear not: for the hand of Saul my father shall not find thee; and thou shalt be king over Israel, and I shall be next unto thee; and that also Saul my father knoweth.
   ¹⁸And they two made a covenant before the LORD: and David abode in the wood, and Jonathan went to his house.

Fuck they have turned into Robin Hood and Maid Marion
 

   ¹⁹Then came up the Ziphites to Saul to Gibeah, saying, Doth not David hide himself with us in strong holds in the wood, in the hill of Hachilah, which is on the south of Jeshimon?
   ²⁰Now therefore, O king, come down according to all the desire of thy soul to come down; and our part shall be to deliver him into the king's hand.
   ²¹And Saul said, Blessed be ye of the LORD; for ye have compassion on me

The belief Saul and David have that de lard will see them right because they believe in him, is a prime example that belief achieves nothing..


   ²²Go, I pray you, prepare yet, and know and see his place where his haunt is, and who hath seen him there: for it is told me that he dealeth very subtilly.
   ²³See therefore, and take knowledge of all the lurking places where he hideth himself, and come ye again to me with the certainty, and I will go with you: and it shall come to pass, if he be in the land, that I will search him out throughout all the thousands of Judah.
   ²⁴And they arose, and went to Ziph before Saul: but David and his men were in the wilderness of Maon, in the plain on the south of Jeshimon.
   ²⁵Saul also and his men went to seek him. And they told David; wherefore he came down into a rock, and abode in the wilderness of Maon. And when Saul heard that, he pursued after David in the wilderness of Maon.
   ²⁶And Saul went on this side of the mountain, and David and his men on that side of the mountain: and David made haste to get away for fear of Saul; for Saul and his men compassed David and his men round about to take them.
   ²⁷But there came a messenger unto Saul, saying, Haste thee, and come; for the Philistines have invaded the land.

I was thinking it was unwise to be involved in petty local squabbles when the Philistines were knocking at the door.
   ²⁸Wherefore Saul returned from pursuing after David, and went against the Philistines: therefore they called that place Selahammahlekoth.
   ²⁹And David went up from thence, and dwelt in strong holds at Engedi.

1 Samuel 21

 ¹Then came David to Nob to Ahimelech the priest: and Ahimelech was afraid at the meeting of David, and said unto him, Why art thou alone, and no man with thee? 

 I shall resist all the Nob jokes that flooded my mind

 

 ²And David said unto Ahimelech the priest, The king hath commanded me a business, and hath said unto me, Let no man know any thing of the business whereabout I send thee, and what I have commanded thee: and I have appointed my servants to such and such a place.

 ³Now therefore what is under thine hand? give me five loaves of bread in mine hand, or what there is present. 

 

 ⁴And the priest answered David, and said, There is no common bread under mine hand, but there is hallowed bread; if the young men have kept themselves at least from women.

 So hallowed bread is ok " if the young men have kept themselves at least from women. " implying not keeping themselves from men is Ok!

 ⁵And David answered the priest, and said unto him, Of a truth women have been kept from us about these three days, since I came out, and the vessels of the young men are holy, and the bread is in a manner common, yea, though it were sanctified this day in the vessel. 

The N I V. has no mention of three days

5 David replied, “Indeed women have been kept from us, as usual whenever[ b] I set out. The men’s bodies are holy even on missions that are not holy. How much more so today!” 6 So the priest gave him the consecrated bread, since there was no bread there except the bread of the Presence that had been removed from before the LORD and replaced by hot bread on the day it was taken away. 

  ⁶So the priest gave him hallowed bread: for there was no bread there but the shewbread, that was taken from before the LORD, to put hot bread in the day when it was taken away. 

Again more than a subtle implication David and his men kept away from women.

 ⁷Now a certain man of the servants of Saul was there that day, detained before the LORD; and his name was Doeg, an Edomite, the chiefest of the herdmen that belonged to Saul. 

 ⁸And David said unto Ahimelech, And is there not here under thine hand spear or sword? for I have neither brought my sword nor my weapons with me, because the king's business required haste.

So what does Doeg have to do with anything?  Perhaps he is just a"previously unknown member of the cast"?

 ⁹And the priest said, The sword of Goliath the Philistine, whom thou slewest in the valley of Elah, behold, it is here wrapped in a cloth behind the ephod: if thou wilt take that, take it: for there is no other save that here. And David said, There is none like that; give it me. 

 ¹⁰And David arose and fled that day for fear of Saul, and went to Achish the king of Gath. 

 ¹¹And the servants of Achish said unto him, Is not this David the king of the land? did they not sing one to another of him in dances, saying, Saul hath slain his thousands, and David his ten thousands? 

 ¹²And David laid up these words in his heart, and was sore afraid of Achish the king of Gath.

David the "king", the man with de lard at his side is afraid.........

 ¹³And he changed his behaviour before them, and feigned himself mad in their hands, and scrabbled on the doors of the gate, and let his spittle fall down upon his beard.

Seems he was terrified, so terrified he appeared irrational.

 ¹⁴Then said Achish unto his servants, Lo, ye see the man is mad: wherefore then have ye brought him to me? 

 ¹⁵Have I need of mad men, that ye have brought this fellow to play the mad man in my presence? shall this fellow come into my house?

1 Samuel 20

 ¹And David fled from Naioth in Ramah, and came and said before Jonathan, What have I done? what is mine iniquity? and what is my sin before thy father, that he seeketh my life?
 ²And he said unto him, God forbid; thou shalt not die: behold, my father will do nothing either great or small, but that he will shew it me: and why should my father hide this thing from me? it is not so.
 ³And David sware moreover, and said, Thy father certainly knoweth that I have found grace in thine eyes; and he saith, Let not Jonathan know this, lest he be grieved: but truly as the LORD liveth, and as thy soul liveth, there is but a step between me and death.

Let us look again at the reasons for Sauls hatred of David. I think it must be more than just jealousy. Let us cast our minds back to the relationship between Samuel and Saul, a relationship that obviously had a physical factor. Was it an abusive relationship ? Does Saul feel guilty and ashamed of the physical relationship that he had, and can see the love between Johnathan and David ? Is it that he wishes to protect Johnathan from the shame that he feels?

 ⁴Then said Jonathan unto David, Whatsoever thy soul desireth, I will even do it for thee.

 ⁵And David said unto Jonathan, Behold, to morrow is the new moon, and I should not fail to sit with the king at meat: but let me go, that I may hide myself in the field unto the third day at even.

Passing thought........Gone for three days then to return...........Reminds me of something!!
 
 ⁶If thy father at all miss me, then say, David earnestly asked leave of me that he might run to Bethlehem his city: for there is a yearly sacrifice there for all the family.

Bethlehem Hmmm!
 
 ⁷If he say thus, It is well; thy servant shall have peace: but if he be very wroth, then be sure that evil is determined by him.
 ⁸Therefore thou shalt deal kindly with thy servant; for thou hast brought thy servant into a covenant of the LORD with thee: notwithstanding, if there be in me iniquity, slay me thyself; for why shouldest thou bring me to thy father?
 ⁹And Jonathan said, Far be it from thee: for if I knew certainly that evil were determined by my father to come upon thee, then would not I tell it thee?
 ¹⁰Then said David to Jonathan, Who shall tell me? or what if thy father answer thee roughly?
 ¹¹And Jonathan said unto David, Come, and let us go out into the field. And they went out both of them into the field.
 ¹²And Jonathan said unto David, O LORD God of Israel, when I have sounded my father about to morrow any time, or the third day, and, behold, if there be good toward David, and I then send not unto thee, and shew it thee;
 ¹³The LORD do so and much more to Jonathan: but if it please my father to do thee evil, then I will shew it thee, and send thee away, that thou mayest go in peace: and the LORD be with thee, as he hath been with my father.
 ¹⁴And thou shalt not only while yet I live shew me the kindness of the LORD, that I die not:
 ¹⁵But also thou shalt not cut off thy kindness from my house for ever: no, not when the LORD hath cut off the enemies of David every one from the face of the earth.
 ¹⁶So Jonathan made a covenant with the house of David, saying, Let the LORD even require it at the hand of David's enemies.
 ¹⁷And Jonathan caused David to swear again, because he loved him: for he loved him as he loved his own soul.
 ¹⁸Then Jonathan said to David, To morrow is the new moon: and thou shalt be missed, because thy seat will be empty.
 ¹⁹And when thou hast stayed three days, then thou shalt go down quickly, and come to the place where thou didst hide thyself when the business was in hand, and shalt remain by the stone Ezel.
 ²⁰And I will shoot three arrows on the side thereof, as though I shot at a mark.
 ²¹And, behold, I will send a lad, saying, Go, find out the arrows. If I expressly say unto the lad, Behold, the arrows are on this side of thee, take them; then come thou: for there is peace to thee, and no hurt; as the LORD liveth.
 ²²But if I say thus unto the young man, Behold, the arrows are beyond thee; go thy way: for the LORD hath sent thee away.
 ²³And as touching the matter which thou and I have spoken of, behold, the LORD be between thee and me for ever.
 ²⁴So David hid himself in the field: and when the new moon was come, the king sat him down to eat meat.
 ²⁵And the king sat upon his seat, as at other times, even upon a seat by the wall: and Jonathan arose, and Abner sat by Saul's side, and David's place was empty.
 ²⁶Nevertheless Saul spake not any thing that day: for he thought, Something hath befallen him, he is not clean; surely he is not clean.
 ²⁷And it came to pass on the morrow, which was the second day of the month, that David's place was empty: and Saul said unto Jonathan his son, Wherefore cometh not the son of Jesse to meat, neither yesterday, nor to day?
 ²⁸And Jonathan answered Saul, David earnestly asked leave of me to go to Bethlehem:
 ²⁹And he said, Let me go, I pray thee; for our family hath a sacrifice in the city; and my brother, he hath commanded me to be there: and now, if I have found favour in thine eyes, let me get away, I pray thee, and see my brethren. Therefore he cometh not unto the king's table.
 ³⁰Then Saul's anger was kindled against Jonathan, and he said unto him, Thou son of the perverse rebellious woman, do not I know that thou hast chosen the son of Jesse to thine own confusion, and unto the confusion of thy mother's nakedness?

Just blame the mother it must be her fault. After all Hebrew women were renowned for their outspoken and forthright ways!!!?

Confused?, Never Confused.
 
 ³¹For as long as the son of Jesse liveth upon the ground, thou shalt not be established, nor thy kingdom. Wherefore now send and fetch him unto me, for he shall surely die.
 ³²And Jonathan answered Saul his father, and said unto him, Wherefore shall he be slain? what hath he done?
 ³³And Saul cast a javelin at him to smite him: whereby Jonathan knew that it was determined of his father to slay David.
 ³⁴So Jonathan arose from the table in fierce anger, and did eat no meat the second day of the month: for he was grieved for David, because his father had done him shame.
 ³⁵And it came to pass in the morning, that Jonathan went out into the field at the time appointed with David, and a little lad with him.
 ³⁶And he said unto his lad, Run, find out now the arrows which I shoot. And as the lad ran, he shot an arrow beyond him.
 ³⁷And when the lad was come to the place of the arrow which Jonathan had shot, Jonathan cried after the lad, and said, Is not the arrow beyond thee?
 ³⁸And Jonathan cried after the lad, Make speed, haste, stay not. And Jonathan's lad gathered up the arrows, and came to his master.
 ³⁹But the lad knew not any thing: only Jonathan and David knew the matter.
 ⁴⁰And Jonathan gave his artillery unto his lad, and said unto him, Go, carry them to the city.
 ⁴¹And as soon as the lad was gone, David arose out of a place toward the south, and fell on his face to the ground, and bowed himself three times: and they kissed one another, and wept one with another, until David exceeded. 

Ejaculated?
 
 ⁴²And Jonathan said to David, Go in peace, forasmuch as we have sworn both of us in the name of the LORD, saying, The LORD be between me and thee, and between my seed and thy seed for ever. And he arose and departed: and Jonathan went into the city.

Seems to blow this idea that de lard hates fags bullshit, right out of the water.

1 Samuel 19

 ¹And Saul spake to Jonathan his son, and to all his servants, that they should kill David.
 ²But Jonathan Saul's son delighted much in David: and Jonathan told David, saying, Saul my father seeketh to kill thee: now therefore, I pray thee, take heed to thyself until the morning, and abide in a secret place, and hide thyself:
 ³And I will go out and stand beside my father in the field where thou art, and I will commune with my father of thee; and what I see, that I will tell thee.

These are basic facts of life...Not all parents will like thier childrens freinds, but should they choose to try and intervene in the relationship, the child will inadvertantly choose thier freindship over thier relationship with thier parents. These facts are multiplied in intensity when the friend in question is a (potential) lover.
 
 ⁴And Jonathan spake good of David unto Saul his father, and said unto him, Let not the king sin against his servant, against David; because he hath not sinned against thee, and because his works have been to thee-ward very good:
 ⁵For he did put his life in his hand, and slew the Philistine, and the LORD wrought a great salvation for all Israel: thou sawest it, and didst rejoice: wherefore then wilt thou sin against innocent blood, to slay David without a cause?
 ⁶And Saul hearkened unto the voice of Jonathan: and Saul sware, As the LORD liveth, he shall not be slain.
 ⁷And Jonathan called David, and Jonathan shewed him all those things. And Jonathan brought David to Saul, and he was in his presence, as in times past.
 ⁸And there was war again: and David went out, and fought with the Philistines, and slew them with a great slaughter; and they fled from him.
 ⁹And the evil spirit from the LORD was upon Saul, as he sat in his house with his javelin in his hand: and David played with his hand.

"And the evil spirit from the LORD was upon Saul" There again with these "evil spirits"from de lard.



 ¹⁰And Saul sought to smite David even to the wall with the javelin: but he slipped away out of Saul's presence, and he smote the javelin into the wall: and David fled, and escaped that night.

"Saul sware, As the LORD liveth, he shall not be slain".So Saul's promises are as binding as de lards.
 ¹¹Saul also sent messengers unto David's house, to watch him, and to slay him in the morning: and Michal David's wife told him, saying, If thou save not thy life to night, to morrow thou shalt be slain.
 ¹²So Michal let David down through a window: and he went, and fled, and escaped.
 ¹³And Michal took an image, and laid it in the bed, and put a pillow of goats' hair for his bolster, and covered it with a cloth.
 ¹⁴And when Saul sent messengers to take David, she said, He is sick.
 ¹⁵And Saul sent the messengers again to see David, saying, Bring him up to me in the bed, that I may slay him. 

Is Saul senile,stoned or just lying when he said he would not slay David.
 
 ¹⁶And when the messengers were come in, behold, there was an image in the bed, with a pillow of goats' hair for his bolster.
 ¹⁷And Saul said unto Michal, Why hast thou deceived me so, and sent away mine enemy, that he is escaped? And Michal answered Saul, He said unto me, Let me go; why should I kill thee?
 ¹⁸So David fled, and escaped, and came to Samuel to Ramah, and told him all that Saul had done to him. And he and Samuel went and dwelt in Naioth.

 ¹⁹And it was told Saul, saying, Behold, David is at Naioth in Ramah.
 ²⁰And Saul sent messengers to take David: and when they saw the company of the prophets prophesying, and Samuel standing as appointed over them, the Spirit of God was upon the messengers of Saul, and they also prophesied.
 ²¹And when it was told Saul, he sent other messengers, and they prophesied likewise. And Saul sent messengers again the third time, and they prophesied also.
 ²²Then went he also to Ramah, and came to a great well that is in Sechu: and he asked and said, Where are Samuel and David? And one said, Behold, they be at Naioth in Ramah.
 ²³And he went thither to Naioth in Ramah: and the Spirit of God was upon him also, and he went on, and prophesied, until he came to Naioth in Ramah.
 ²⁴And he stripped off his clothes also, and prophesied before Samuel in like manner, and lay down naked all that day and all that night. Wherefore they say, Is Saul also among the prophets?

All this prophesieing, There must be some strong psychtropic plants growing around there.