1 Samuel 2

¹And Hannah prayed, and said, My heart rejoiceth in the LORD, mine horn is exalted in the LORD: my mouth is enlarged over mine enemies; because I rejoice in thy salvation.

Is that translated right? No wonder she couldn't get pregnant. Now that really is a miracle.

²There is none holy as the LORD: for there is none beside thee: neither is there any rock like our God.

³Talk no more so exceeding proudly; let not arrogancy come out of your mouth: for the LORD is a God of knowledge, and by him actions are weighed.

Still waiting for him to prove that one. his track record so far is less than poor,even by redneck standards.

⁴The bows of the mighty men are broken, and they that stumbled are girded with strength.

⁵They that were full have hired out themselves for bread; and they that were hungry ceased: so that the barren hath born seven; and she that hath many children is waxed feeble.

⁶The LORD killeth, and maketh alive: he bringeth down to the grave, and bringeth up.

We have seen plenty of the killething but not much else

⁷The LORD maketh poor, and maketh rich: he bringeth low, and lifteth up.

Belief in him can certainly cause these.

⁸He raiseth up the poor out of the dust, and lifteth up the beggar from the dunghill, to set them among princes, and to make them inherit the throne of glory: for the pillars of the earth are the LORD's, and he hath set the world upon them.

What beggar will do his begging on a dung hill? Why has de lard not told his people that dung is fertilizer? Perhaps if they used their shit they wouldn't suffer so much shit and therefore not be as bitter and spout so much shit!!

⁹He will keep the feet of his saints, and the wicked shall be silent in darkness; for by strength shall no man prevail.

Saints is a catholic thing what is that doing there? the NLT has

⁹ “He will protect his faithful ones, but the wicked will disappear in darkness. No one will succeed by strength alone.

¹⁰The adversaries of the LORD shall be broken to pieces; out of heaven shall he thunder upon them: the LORD shall judge the ends of the earth; and he shall give strength unto his king, and exalt the horn of his anointed.

So yet again another passage that disputes the "god hates fags" myth.

¹¹And Elkanah went to Ramah to his house. And the child did minister unto the LORD before Eli the priest.

That is unfortunately another one for catholic priests.

¹²Now the sons of Eli were sons of Belial; they knew not the LORD.

¹³And the priest's custom with the people was, that, when any man offered sacrifice, the priest's servant came, while the flesh was in seething, with a fleshhook of three teeth in his hand;

¹⁴And he struck it into the pan, or kettle, or caldron, or pot; all that the fleshhook brought up the priest took for himself. So they did in Shiloh unto all the Israelites that came thither.

¹⁵Also before they burnt the fat, the priest's servant came, and said to the man that sacrificed, Give flesh to roast for the priest; for he will not have sodden flesh of thee, but raw.

¹⁶And if any man said unto him, Let them not fail to burn the fat presently, and then take as much as thy soul desireth; then he would answer him, Nay; but thou shalt give it me now: and if not, I will take it by force.

That reads very different in the NLT

¹² Now the sons of Eli were scoundrels who had no respect for the Lord ¹³ or for their duties as priests. Whenever anyone offered a sacrifice, Eli’s sons would send over a servant with a three-pronged fork. While the meat of the sacrificed animal was still boiling, ¹⁴ the servant would stick the fork into the pot and demand that whatever it brought up be given to Eli’s sons. All the Israelites who came to worship at Shiloh were treated this way. ¹⁵ Sometimes the servant would come even before the animal’s fat had been burned on the altar. He would demand raw meat before it had been boiled so that it could be used for roasting.

¹⁶ The man offering the sacrifice might reply, “Take as much as you want, but the fat must be burned first.” Then the servant would demand, “No, give it to me now, or I’ll take it by force

¹⁷Wherefore the sin of the young men was very great before the LORD: for men abhorred the offering of the LORD.

¹⁸But Samuel ministered before the LORD, being a child, girded with a linen ephod.

¹⁹Moreover his mother made him a little coat, and brought it to him from year to year, when she came up with her husband to offer the yearly sacrifice.

²⁰And Eli blessed Elkanah and his wife, and said, The LORD give thee seed of this woman for the loan which is lent to the LORD. And they went unto their own home.

²¹And the LORD visited Hannah, so that she conceived, and bare three sons and two daughters. And the child Samuel grew before the LORD.

I wonder if Elkenah ever realised that every time he visited Eli he had a child that was three months old?

²²Now Eli was very old, and heard all that his sons did unto all Israel; and how they lay with the women that assembled at the door of the tabernacle of the congregation.

²³And he said unto them, Why do ye such things? for I hear of your evil dealings by all this people.

Do as I say not as I do the first law of any church ministry!

²⁴Nay, my sons; for it is no good report that I hear: ye make the LORD's people to transgress.

²⁵If one man sin against another, the judge shall judge him: but if a man sin against the LORD, who shall intreat for him? Notwithstanding they hearkened not unto the voice of their father, because the LORD would slay them.

Is that an admission he is make believe?

²⁶And the child Samuel grew on, and was in favour both with the LORD, and also with men.

Pretty boy then!

²⁷And there came a man of God unto Eli, and said unto him, Thus saith the LORD, Did I plainly appear unto the house of thy father, when they were in Egypt in Pharaoh's house?

²⁸And did I choose him out of all the tribes of Israel to be my priest, to offer upon mine altar, to burn incense, to wear an ephod before me? and did I give unto the house of thy father all the offerings made by fire of the children of Israel?

²⁹Wherefore kick ye at my sacrifice and at mine offering, which I have commanded in my habitation; and honourest thy sons above me, to make yourselves fat with the chiefest of all the offerings of Israel my people?

³⁰Wherefore the LORD God of Israel saith, I said indeed that thy house, and the house of thy father, should walk before me for ever: but now the LORD saith, Be it far from me; for them that honour me I will honour, and they that despise me shall be lightly esteemed.

Is this an admission that de lard was wrong and made a mistake?

³¹Behold, the days come, that I will cut off thine arm, and the arm of thy father's house, that there shall not be an old man in thine house.

³²And thou shalt see an enemy in my habitation, in all the wealth which God shall give Israel: and there shall not be an old man in thine house for ever.

³³And the man of thine, whom I shall not cut off from mine altar, shall be to consume thine eyes, and to grieve thine heart: and all the increase of thine house shall die in the flower of their age.

³⁴And this shall be a sign unto thee, that shall come upon thy two sons, on Hophni and Phinehas; in one day they shall die both of them.

Sounds like a promise of poisoning to me. The line exodus 22:18 as mentioned before witch should have been translated as poisoner

³⁵And I will raise me up a faithful priest, that shall do according to that which is in mine heart and in my mind: and I will build him a sure house; and he shall walk before mine anointed for ever.

³⁶And it shall come to pass, that every one that is left in thine house shall come and crouch to him for a piece of silver and a morsel of bread, and shall say, Put me, I pray thee, into one of the priests' offices, that I may eat a piece of bread.

1 Samuel 1

So we start First Samuel, technically another son of god.

¹Now there was a certain man of Ramathaimzophim, of mount Ephraim, and his name was Elkanah, the son of Jeroham, the son of Elihu, the son of Tohu, the son of Zuph, an Ephrathite:

Is the highlighted name betraying their Hindu roots ?

²And he had two wives; the name of the one was Hannah, and the name of the other Peninnah: and Peninnah had children, but Hannah had no children.

One infertile woman, or one infertile man and one woman with a lover?

³And this man went up out of his city yearly to worship and to sacrifice unto the LORD of hosts in Shiloh. And the two sons of Eli, Hophni and Phinehas, the priests of the LORD, were there.

⁴And when the time was that Elkanah offered, he gave to Peninnah his wife, and to all her sons and her daughters, portions:

⁵But unto Hannah he gave a worthy portion; for he loved Hannah: but the LORD had shut up her womb.

Must be the woman's fault...perhaps she needs to get a lover.

⁶And her adversary also provoked her sore, for to make her fret, because the LORD had shut up her womb.

⁷And as he did so year by year, when she went up to the house of the LORD, so she provoked her; therefore she wept, and did not eat.

⁸Then said Elkanah her husband to her, Hannah, why weepest thou? and why eatest thou not? and why is thy heart grieved? am not I better to thee than ten sons?

⁹So Hannah rose up after they had eaten in Shiloh, and after they had drunk. Now Eli the priest sat upon a seat by a post of the temple of the LORD.

¹⁰And she was in bitterness of soul, and prayed unto the LORD, and wept sore.

¹¹And she vowed a vow, and said, O LORD of hosts, if thou wilt indeed look on the affliction of thine handmaid, and remember me, and not forget thine handmaid, but wilt give unto thine handmaid a man child, then I will give him unto the LORD all the days of his life, and there shall no razor come upon his head.

¹²And it came to pass, as she continued praying before the LORD, that Eli marked her mouth.

¹³Now Hannah, she spake in her heart; only her lips moved, but her voice was not heard: therefore Eli thought she had been drunken.

¹⁴And Eli said unto her, How long wilt thou be drunken? put away thy wine from thee.

¹⁵And Hannah answered and said, No, my lord, I am a woman of a sorrowful spirit: I have drunk neither wine nor strong drink, but have poured out my soul before the LORD.

¹⁶Count not thine handmaid for a daughter of Belial: for out of the abundance of my complaint and grief have I spoken hitherto.

¹⁷Then Eli answered and said, Go in peace: and the God of Israel grant thee thy petition that thou hast asked of him.

¹⁸And she said, Let thine handmaid find grace in thy sight. So the woman went her way, and did eat, and her countenance was no more sad.

That looks to me like Eli drugged her and had his way.

¹⁹And they rose up in the morning early, and worshipped before the LORD, and returned, and came to their house to Ramah: and Elkanah knew Hannah his wife; and the LORD remembered her.

Yay,sloppy seconds.

²⁰Wherefore it came to pass, when the time was come about after Hannah had conceived, that she bare a son, and called his name Samuel, saying, Because I have asked him of the LORD.

²¹And the man Elkanah, and all his house, went up to offer unto the LORD the yearly sacrifice, and his vow.

²²But Hannah went not up; for she said unto her husband, I will not go up until the child be weaned, and then I will bring him, that he may appear before the LORD, and there abide for ever.

So Samuel looked like his father and she did not want her husband to see Sam and Eli together.

²³And Elkanah her husband said unto her, Do what seemeth thee good; tarry until thou have weaned him; only the LORD establish his word. So the woman abode, and gave her son suck until she weaned him.

²⁴And when she had weaned him, she took him up with her, with three bullocks, and one ephah of flour, and a bottle of wine, and brought him unto the house of the LORD in Shiloh: and the child was young.

²⁵And they slew a bullock, and brought the child to Eli.

²⁶And she said, Oh my lord, as thy soul liveth, my lord, I am the woman that stood by thee here, praying unto the LORD.

²⁷For this child I prayed; and the LORD hath given me my petition which I asked of him:

I'll bet she really said "Eli here is your son"

²⁸Therefore also I have lent him to the LORD; as long as he liveth he shall be lent to the LORD. And he worshipped the LORD there.

Judges 16

¹Then went Samson to Gaza, and saw there an harlot, and went in unto her.

Not much changed then a Jew in Gaza today has a good chance of being fucked.

²And it was told the Gazites, saying, Samson is come hither. And they compassed him in, and laid wait for him all night in the gate of the city, and were quiet all the night, saying, In the morning, when it is day, we shall kill him.

³And Samson lay till midnight, and arose at midnight, and took the doors of the gate of the city, and the two posts, and went away with them, bar and all, and put them upon his shoulders, and carried them up to the top of an hill that is before Hebron.

OK. I accept some people are very strong, In my youth I was one of them, but seriously when I think of city gateposts I think of huge monoliths that would not look out of place at Stonehenge or on the set of 2001. so this I am afraid is pure bollocks.

⁴And it came to pass afterward, that he loved a woman in the valley of Sorek, whose name was Delilah.

⁵And the lords of the Philistines came up unto her, and said unto her, Entice him, and see wherein his great strength lieth, and by what means we may prevail against him, that we may bind him to afflict him; and we will give thee every one of us eleven hundred pieces of silver.

⁶And Delilah said to Samson, Tell me, I pray thee, wherein thy great strength lieth, and wherewith thou mightest be bound to afflict thee.

⁷And Samson said unto her, If they bind me with seven green withs that were never dried, then shall I be weak, and be as another man.

Bit of light bondage, nothing wrong in that.

⁸Then the lords of the Philistines brought up to her seven green withs which had not been dried, and she bound him with them.

⁹Now there were men lying in wait, abiding with her in the chamber. And she said unto him, The Philistines be upon thee, Samson. And he brake the withs, as a thread of tow is broken when it toucheth the fire. So his strength was not known.

¹⁰And Delilah said unto Samson, Behold, thou hast mocked me, and told me lies: now tell me, I pray thee, wherewith thou mightest be bound.

¹¹And he said unto her, If they bind me fast with new ropes that never were occupied, then shall I be weak, and be as another man.

¹²Delilah therefore took new ropes, and bound him therewith, and said unto him, The Philistines be upon thee, Samson. And there were liers in wait abiding in the chamber. And he brake them from off his arms like a thread.

All this bondage.......did they have strap ons back then?

¹³And Delilah said unto Samson, Hitherto thou hast mocked me, and told me lies: tell me wherewith thou mightest be bound. And he said unto her, If thou weavest the seven locks of my head with the web.

¹⁴And she fastened it with the pin, and said unto him, The Philistines be upon thee, Samson. And he awaked out of his sleep, and went away with the pin of the beam, and with the web.

Because if strong bonds can't hold him then of course a few plaits is going to do the job.

¹⁵And she said unto him, How canst thou say, I love thee, when thine heart is not with me? thou hast mocked me these three times, and hast not told me wherein thy great strength lieth.

Now I know men have a distinctive tendency to bypass their higher cognitive thought processes when in the vicinity of the object of their desires, especially when blood is redirected elsewhere. But really how stupid can some one be ?

¹⁶And it came to pass, when she pressed him daily with her words, and urged him, so that his soul was vexed unto death;

¹⁷That he told her all his heart, and said unto her, There hath not come a razor upon mine head; for I have been a Nazarite unto God from my mother's womb: if I be shaven, then my strength will go from me, and I shall become weak, and be like any other man.

¹⁸And when Delilah saw that he had told her all his heart, she sent and called for the lords of the Philistines, saying, Come up this once, for he hath shewed me all his heart. Then the lords of the Philistines came up unto her, and brought money in their hand.

¹⁹And she made him sleep upon her knees; and she called for a man, and she caused him to shave off the seven locks of his head; and she began to afflict him, and his strength went from him.

Earlier I asked how stupid people can be but how many believe this myth ?

²⁰And she said, The Philistines be upon thee, Samson. And he awoke out of his sleep, and said, I will go out as at other times before, and shake myself. And he wist not that the LORD was departed from him.

²¹But the Philistines took him, and put out his eyes, and brought him down to Gaza, and bound him with fetters of brass; and he did grind in the prison house.

²²Howbeit the hair of his head began to grow again after he was shaven.

²³Then the lords of the Philistines gathered them together for to offer a great sacrifice unto Dagon their god, and to rejoice: for they said, Our god hath delivered Samson our enemy into our hand.

²⁴And when the people saw him, they praised their god: for they said, Our god hath delivered into our hands our enemy, and the destroyer of our country, which slew many of us.

²⁵And it came to pass, when their hearts were merry, that they said, Call for Samson, that he may make us sport. And they called for Samson out of the prison house; and he made them sport: and they set him between the pillars.

²⁶And Samson said unto the lad that held him by the hand, Suffer me that I may feel the pillars whereupon the house standeth, that I may lean upon them.

²⁷Now the house was full of men and women; and all the lords of the Philistines were there; and there were upon the roof about three thousand men and women, that beheld while Samson made sport.

That is a fucking big house for anything in the bce world do I again detect the aroma of bullshit?

²⁸And Samson called unto the LORD, and said, O Lord God, remember me, I pray thee, and strengthen me, I pray thee, only this once, O God, that I may be at once avenged of the Philistines for my two eyes.

²⁹And Samson took hold of the two middle pillars upon which the house stood, and on which it was borne up, of the one with his right hand, and of the other with his left.

Not only is it of an exaggerated size I would think it highly unlikely that such a building would have all its weight supported by two main pillars less than an arm span wide.

³⁰And Samson said, Let me die with the Philistines. And he bowed himself with all his might; and the house fell upon the lords, and upon all the people that were therein. So the dead which he slew at his death were more than they which he slew in his life.

Let alone such a building could be collapsed in such a manner

³¹Then his brethren and all the house of his father came down, and took him, and brought him up, and buried him between Zorah and Eshtaol in the burying place of Manoah his father. And he judged Israel twenty years.

How could they decide which mangled bloody mess was him?

Addendum
let me refresh your memory with this prophecy from Judges 13

⁵For, lo, thou shalt conceive, and bear a son; and no razor shall come on his head: for the child shall be a Nazarite unto God from the womb: and he shall begin to deliver Israel out of the hand of the Philistines.

"begin to deliver Israel out of the hand of the Philistines" Didn't really live up to the prophecy now did he ? If only all de lards prophecies were this accurate....oh wait they are.

Or perhaps he did not mean "Philistines" but Phoxes ?

Judges 14

¹And Samson went down to Timnath, and saw a woman in Timnath of the daughters of the Philistines.

²And he came up, and told his father and his mother, and said, I have seen a woman in Timnath of the daughters of the Philistines: now therefore get her for me to wife.

In my day all I wanted was a Motorbike, I suppose now it would be a ps2 or a wii.

³Then his father and his mother said unto him, Is there never a woman among the daughters of thy brethren, or among all my people, that thou goest to take a wife of the uncircumcised Philistines? And Samson said unto his father, Get her for me; for she pleaseth me well.

⁴But his father and his mother knew not that it was of the LORD, that he sought an occasion against the Philistines: for at that time the Philistines had dominion over Israel.

⁵Then went Samson down, and his father and his mother, to Timnath, and came to the vineyards of Timnath: and, behold, a young lion roared against him.

In all the tellings of this tale the word "young" has never been pointed out

⁶And the Spirit of the LORD came mightily upon him, and he rent him as he would have rent a kid, and he had nothing in his hand: but he told not his father or his mother what he had done.

A teenage boy kills a lion with his bare hands and does not brag....There are only two reasons teenage boys do not brag about something; first it would embarrass them; second it would get them into trouble

⁷And he went down, and talked with the woman; and she pleased Samson well.

⁸And after a time he returned to take her, and he turned aside to see the carcase of the lion: and, behold, there was a swarm of bees and honey in the carcase of the lion.

How long ? For it to be long enough for the bees to have built a hive to that degree there could not have been much of the corpse left...especially for such a small kitty kat.

⁹And he took thereof in his hands, and went on eating, and came to his father and mother, and he gave them, and they did eat: but he told not them that he had taken the honey out of the carcase of the lion.

¹⁰So his father went down unto the woman: and Samson made there a feast; for so used the young men to do.

¹¹And it came to pass, when they saw him, that they brought thirty companions to be with him.

¹²And Samson said unto them, I will now put forth a riddle unto you: if ye can certainly declare it me within the seven days of the feast, and find it out, then I will give you thirty sheets and thirty change of garments:

Why all this "thirty" I would have expected fourty , perhaps this tale is borrowed from somewhere else

¹³But if ye cannot declare it me, then shall ye give me thirty sheets and thirty change of garments. And they said unto him, Put forth thy riddle, that we may hear it.

¹⁴And he said unto them, Out of the eater came forth meat, and out of the strong came forth sweetness. And they could not in three days expound the riddle.

Is that really a riddle ?......a dictionary definition is as follows...

a question or statement so framed as to exercise one's ingenuity in answering it or discovering its meaning; conundrum.

¹⁵And it came to pass on the seventh day, that they said unto Samson's wife, Entice thy husband, that he may declare unto us the riddle, lest we burn thee and thy father's house with fire: have ye called us to take that we have? is it not so?

Ah they are phillistines they follow a different set of rules

Ah here it is Bollocks 13 :13 And if thy neighbour doth confound thee. Thy must take his wife and in-laws and burn them with fire until one or all of them the beans doth spilleth.

¹⁶And Samson's wife wept before him, and said, Thou dost but hate me, and lovest me not: thou hast put forth a riddle unto the children of my people, and hast not told it me. And he said unto her, Behold, I have not told it my father nor my mother, and shall I tell it thee?

¹⁷And she wept before him the seven days, while their feast lasted: and it came to pass on the seventh day, that he told her, because she lay sore upon him: and she told the riddle to the children of her people.

¹⁸And the men of the city said unto him on the seventh day before the sun went down, What is sweeter than honey? And what is stronger than a lion? and he said unto them, If ye had not ploughed with my heifer, ye had not found out my riddle.

Samson seems to have taken after his stepfather rather than his real father with his ability to keep their women satisfied. I doubt they were but does anyone know if steroids were available back then?

¹⁹And the Spirit of the LORD came upon him, and he went down to Ashkelon, and slew thirty men of them, and took their spoil, and gave change of garments unto them which expounded the riddle. And his anger was kindled, and he went up to his father's house.

²⁰But Samson's wife was given to his companion, whom he had used as his friend.

Are we talking wife swapping or just passed on like a second hand car and are we saying samson swung both ways?

Judges 13

¹And the children of Israel did evil again in the sight of the LORD; and the LORD delivered them into the hand of the Philistines forty years.

²And there was a certain man of Zorah, of the family of the Danites, whose name was Manoah; and his wife was barren, and bare not.

After all ,it would be totally inconceivable(no pun intended) that Manoah was sexually dysfunctional in any way. Or even the merest suggestion that he might bat for the other side.

³And the angel of the LORD appeared unto the woman, and said unto her, Behold now, thou art barren, and bearest not: but thou shalt conceive, and bear a son.

⁴Now therefore beware, I pray thee, and drink not wine nor strong drink, and eat not any unclean thing:

⁵For, lo, thou shalt conceive, and bear a son; and no razor shall come on his head: for the child shall be a Nazarite unto God from the womb: and he shall begin to deliver Israel out of the hand of the Philistines.

⁶Then the woman came and told her husband, saying, A man of God came unto me, and his countenance was like the countenance of an angel of God, very terrible: but I asked him not whence he was, neither told he me his name:

A likely story.........Any divorce lawyer today would be jumping up and down with glee.

⁷But he said unto me, Behold, thou shalt conceive, and bear a son; and now drink no wine nor strong drink, neither eat any unclean thing: for the child shall be a Nazarite to God from the womb to the day of his death.

⁸Then Manoah intreated the LORD, and said, O my Lord, let the man of God which thou didst send come again unto us, and teach us what we shall do unto the child that shall be born.

⁹And God hearkened to the voice of Manoah; and the angel of God came again unto the woman as she sat in the field: but Manoah her husband was not with her.

¹⁰And the woman made haste, and ran, and shewed her husband, and said unto him, Behold, the man hath appeared unto me, that came unto me the other day.

This reads to me like a tale of cuckolding. We have a sexually dysfunctional male and a woman that needs, wants, and so it seems gets a damn good seeing to.

¹¹And Manoah arose, and went after his wife, and came to the man, and said unto him, Art thou the man that spakest unto the woman? And he said, I am.

¹²And Manoah said, Now let thy words come to pass. How shall we order the child, and how shall we do unto him?

With fries and a side please!

¹³And the angel of the LORD said unto Manoah, Of all that I said unto the woman let her beware.

¹⁴She may not eat of any thing that cometh of the vine, neither let her drink wine or strong drink, nor eat any unclean thing: all that I commanded her let her observe.

Strange ! Seems to be a muslim attitude.

¹⁵And Manoah said unto the angel of the LORD, I pray thee, let us detain thee, until we shall have made ready a kid for thee.

¹⁶And the angel of the LORD said unto Manoah, Though thou detain me, I will not eat of thy bread: and if thou wilt offer a burnt offering, thou must offer it unto the LORD. For Manoah knew not that he was an angel of the LORD.

Perhaps the whole "please fuck my wife" scenario left a foul taste in his mouth.

¹⁷And Manoah said unto the angel of the LORD, What is thy name, that when thy sayings come to pass we may do thee honour?

¹⁸And the angel of the LORD said unto him, Why askest thou thus after my name, seeing it is secret?

Or like many modern singles networks(so I am told) he wanted to remain anonymous.

¹⁹So Manoah took a kid with a meat offering, and offered it upon a rock unto the LORD: and the angel did wonderously; and Manoah and his wife looked on.

I am sure that's another line that catholic priests misunderstand

²⁰For it came to pass, when the flame went up toward heaven from off the altar, that the angel of the LORD ascended in the flame of the altar. And Manoah and his wife looked on it, and fell on their faces to the ground.

So de lard beamed the kid and the lover up or did they just make it up so he could cover his impotence or homosexuality and she could cover that rosy glow of the "I've just had a damn good rogering"look

²¹But the angel of the LORD did no more appear to Manoah and to his wife. Then Manoah knew that he was an angel of the LORD.

So the passing stranger moved on....It would be totally wrong to suggest that "Manoah knew that he was an angel of the LORD. " Means in any way that Manoah in a fit of jealousy killed him

²²And Manoah said unto his wife, We shall surely die, because we have seen God.

Just as it would be to suggest that means in any way that Manoa sat watching and beating his strangely aroused member.

²³But his wife said unto him, If the LORD were pleased to kill us, he would not have received a burnt offering and a meat offering at our hands, neither would he have shewed us all these things, nor would as at this time have told us such things as these.

²⁴And the woman bare a son, and called his name Samson: and the child grew, and the LORD blessed him.

²⁵And the Spirit of the LORD began to move him at times in the camp of Dan between


I had not realised before how many elements in this conception myth are repeated in some other story I may have heard somewhere....


.................Maybe not the immaculate conception but by this account pretty damn good

Deuteronomy 13

¹If there arise among you a prophet, or a dreamer of dreams, and giveth thee a sign or a wonder,

This sign of wonder nowadays mostly seems waving your hands in the air and spouting some meaningless gibberish.

²And the sign or the wonder come to pass, whereof he spake unto thee, saying, Let us go after other gods, which thou hast not known, and let us serve them;

The ESV has this

²and the sign or wonder that he tells you comes to pass, and if he says, 'Let us go after other gods,' which you have not known, 'and let us serve them,'

³Thou shalt not hearken unto the words of that prophet, or that dreamer of dreams: for the LORD your God proveth you, to know whether ye love the LORD your God with all your heart and with all your soul.

³you shall not listen to the words of that prophet or that dreamer of dreams. For the LORD your God is testing you, to know whether you love the LORD your God with all your heart and with all your soul.

⁴Ye shall walk after the LORD your God, and fear him, and keep his commandments, and obey his voice, and ye shall serve him, and cleave unto him.

⁴You shall walk after the LORD your God and fear him and keep his commandments and obey his voice, and you shall serve him and hold fast to him.

⁵And that prophet, or that dreamer of dreams, shall be put to death; because he hath spoken to turn you away from the LORD your God, which brought you out of the land of Egypt, and redeemed you out of the house of bondage, to thrust thee out of the way which the LORD thy God commanded thee to walk in. So shalt thou put the evil away from the midst of thee.

Now I hate to have to keep repeating myself but as I see it these fundamentalist belief is that god willed the universe including his own sometimes physical form into existence. de lard is by his own admission suffering from a severe case of jealousy, which must by definition stem from his own insecurities and self loathing. Which makes me think why does he blame mankind for being as he created them and why did he create his own body with the reproductive organs of a eunuch shrew

⁶If thy brother, the son of thy mother, or thy son, or thy daughter, or the wife of thy bosom, or thy friend, which is as thine own soul, entice thee secretly, saying, Let us go and serve other gods, which thou hast not known, thou, nor thy fathers;

⁷Namely, of the gods of the people which are round about you, nigh unto thee, or far off from thee, from the one end of the earth even unto the other end of the earth;

de lards omniscience again, how does a globe have ends ?

⁸Thou shalt not consent unto him, nor hearken unto him; neither shall thine eye pity him, neither shalt thou spare, neither shalt thou conceal him:

⁹But thou shalt surely kill him; thine hand shall be first upon him to put him to death, and afterwards the hand of all the people.

¹⁰And thou shalt stone him with stones, that he die; because he hath sought to thrust thee away from the LORD thy God, which brought thee out of the land of Egypt, from the house of bondage.

Hey, cool ,I'm gonna get stoned !

¹¹And all Israel shall hear, and fear, and shall do no more any such wickedness as this is among you.

Killing and maiming of innocent people children included is fine but don't you dare bow down to any other imaginary tyrant (does this not include the as yet future alleged messiah and all the other sons of god)

¹²If thou shalt hear say in one of thy cities, which the LORD thy God hath given thee to dwell there, saying,

¹³Certain men, the children of Belial, are gone out from among you, and have withdrawn the inhabitants of their city, saying, Let us go and serve other gods, which ye have not known;

¹⁴Then shalt thou enquire, and make search, and ask diligently; and, behold, if it be truth, and the thing certain, that such abomination is wrought among you;

¹⁵Thou shalt surely smite the inhabitants of that city with the edge of the sword, destroying it utterly, and all that is therein, and the cattle thereof, with the edge of the sword.

Is this not de lards omniscience again conspicuous by it's abscence. No mention of an air force, rocket launchers or fragmentation grenades.

¹⁶And thou shalt gather all the spoil of it into the midst of the street thereof, and shalt burn with fire the city, and all the spoil thereof every whit, for the LORD thy God: and it shall be an heap for ever; it shall not be built again.

¹⁷And there shall cleave nought of the cursed thing to thine hand: that the LORD may turn from the fierceness of his anger, and shew thee mercy, and have compassion upon thee, and multiply thee, as he hath sworn unto thy fathers;

de lards impotence showing here, why doesn't he do it himself ?

¹⁸When thou shalt hearken to the voice of the LORD thy God, to keep all his commandments which I command thee this day, to do that which is right in the eyes of the LORD thy God.

Genesis 21

Genesis 21

¹And the LORD visited Sarah as he had said, and the LORD did unto Sarah as he had spoken.

Is this not yet another begotten son ? How many is that now ? So much for the late great JC as being "gods only begotten son" Or perhaps we are talking of some symbolic bollocks that has yet to be confirmed.
²For Sarah conceived, and bare Abraham a son in his old age, at the set time of which God had spoken to him.
Dec 25 by any chance ?

³And Abraham called the name of his son that was born unto him, whom Sarah bare to him, Isaac.
⁴And Abraham circumcised his son Isaac being eight days old, as God had commanded him.
⁵And Abraham was an hundred years old, when his son Isaac was born unto him.
⁶And Sarah said, God hath made me to laugh, so that all that hear will laugh with me.
No dear "at you"

⁷And she said, Who would have said unto Abraham, that Sarah should have given children suck? for I have born him a son in his old age.
So was born the Idea the Catholic Priesthood holds dearest.

⁸And the child grew, and was weaned: and Abraham made a great feast the same day that Isaac was weaned.
⁹And Sarah saw the son of Hagar the Egyptian, which she had born unto Abraham, mocking.
Be fair, who in their right mind could do anything but mock.

¹⁰Wherefore she said unto Abraham, Cast out this bondwoman and her son: for the son of this bondwoman shall not be heir with my son, even with Isaac.
¹¹And the thing was very grievous in Abraham's sight because of his son.

Nothing to do with the fact that Hagar was still fit and could put on a good show for a stupid senile old man.

¹²And God said unto Abraham, Let it not be grievous in thy sight because of the lad, and because of thy bondwoman; in all that Sarah hath said unto thee, hearken unto her voice; for in Isaac shall thy seed be called.
Any thing for a quite life.

¹³And also of the son of the bondwoman will I make a nation, because he is thy seed.
God changed his plan again ?

¹⁴And Abraham rose up early in the morning, and took bread, and a bottle of water, and gave it unto Hagar, putting it on her shoulder, and the child, and sent her away: and she departed, and wandered in the wilderness of Beersheba.
¹⁵And the water was spent in the bottle, and she cast the child under one of the shrubs.
¹⁶And she went, and sat her down over against him a good way off, as it were a bow shot: for she said, Let me not see the death of the child. And she sat over against him, and lift up her voice, and wept.
¹⁷And God heard the voice of the lad; and the angel of God called to Hagar out of heaven, and said unto her, What aileth thee, Hagar? fear not; for God hath heard the voice of the lad where he is.
¹⁸Arise, lift up the lad, and hold him in thine hand; for I will make him a great nation.
¹⁹And God opened her eyes, and she saw a well of water; and she went, and filled the bottle with water, and gave the lad drink.
Is it just me or is this not a virtual retelling of the previously told story?

²⁰And God was with the lad; and he grew, and dwelt in the wilderness, and became an archer.
²¹And he dwelt in the wilderness of Paran: and his mother took him a wife out of the land of Egypt.
²²And it came to pass at that time, that Abimelech and Phichol the chief captain of his host spake unto Abraham, saying, God is with thee in all that thou doest:
²³Now therefore swear unto me here by God that thou wilt not deal falsely with me, nor with my son, nor with my son's son: but according to the kindness that I have done unto thee, thou shalt do unto me, and to the land wherein thou hast sojourned.
I am still thinking we have the ramblings of an old man on his death bed.

²⁴And Abraham said, I will swear.
²⁵And Abraham reproved Abimelech because of a well of water, which Abimelech's servants had violently taken away.
²⁶And Abimelech said, I wot not who hath done this thing; neither didst thou tell me, neither yet heard I of it, but to day.
²⁷And Abraham took sheep and oxen, and gave them unto Abimelech; and both of them made a covenant.
²⁸And Abraham set seven ewe lambs of the flock by themselves.
²⁹And Abimelech said unto Abraham, What mean these seven ewe lambs which thou hast set by themselves?
³⁰And he said, For these seven ewe lambs shalt thou take of my hand, that they may be a witness unto me, that I have digged this well.
³¹Wherefore he called that place Beersheba; because there they sware both of them.
³²Thus they made a covenant at Beersheba: then Abimelech rose up, and Phichol the chief captain of his host, and they returned into the land of the Philistines.
³³And Abraham planted a grove in Beersheba, and called there on the name of the LORD, the everlasting God.
⁴And Abraham sojourned in the Philistines' land many days.
Has anyone else noticed how certain number's keep cropping up.
Seven
Twelve
Forty

Genisis 6

¹And it came to pass, when men began to multiply on the face of the earth, and daughters were born unto them,
I could point out that the "men" are the ones breeding but men has to mean humans so no more gay jokes.
²That the sons of God saw the daughters of men that they were fair; and they took them wives of all which they chose.
Umm! God had sons? They don't teach us that one. Does that not imply
1. There is at least one Mrs God.
2.Therefore Goddess(es)
3.There must be more Gods even if they are his sons
4. I know we havn't got anywhere near the new testement yet but is there not a line that says something about Gods only Begotten son?
³And the LORD said, My spirit shall not always strive with man, for that he also is flesh: yet his days shall be an hundred and twenty years.
So God IS Flesh
⁴There were giants in the earth in those days; and also after that, when the sons of God came in unto the daughters of men, and they bare children to them, the same became mighty men which were of old, men of renown.
Fair enough mongrels are genetically superior to pedigrees
⁵And God saw that the wickedness of man was great in the earth, and that every imagination of the thoughts of his heart was only evil continually.
⁶And it repented the LORD that he had made man on the earth, and it grieved him at his heart.
That omniscience is really not what it's made out to be is it
⁷And the LORD said, I will destroy man whom I have created from the face of the earth; both man, and beast, and the creeping thing, and the fowls of the air; for it repenteth me that I have made them.
Beware the evil Bunny his fluffyness will cause you to kill and rape and eat chocolate eggs to celebrate the third full moon following the winter solstice
⁸But Noah found grace in the eyes of the LORD.
"Grace get out of gods eyes......bad dog"
⁹These are the generations of Noah: Noah was a just man and perfect in his generations, and Noah walked with God.
¹⁰And Noah begat three sons, Shem, Ham, and Japheth.
From God?
¹¹The earth also was corrupt before God, and the earth was filled with violence.
¹²And God looked upon the earth, and, behold, it was corrupt; for all flesh had corrupted his way upon the earth.
¹³And God said unto Noah, The end of all flesh is come before me; for the earth is filled with violence through them; and, behold, I will destroy them with the earth.

This is a bit extreme to say the least, Ive had shit in my eye and it hurts and having a whole dog in your eye has to be far from pleasant. Kick the dog zap it with lightning understandable but drowning mr and mrs cheesemaker over in basingstoke , not their dog not their doing ¹⁴Make thee an ark of gopher wood; rooms shalt thou make in the ark, and shalt pitch it within and without with pitch.
¹⁵And this is the fashion which thou shalt make it of: The length of the ark shall be three hundred cubits, the breadth of it fifty cubits, and the height of it thirty cubits.
¹⁶A window shalt thou make to the ark, and in a cubit shalt thou finish it above; and the door of the ark shalt thou set in the side thereof; with lower, second, and third stories shalt thou make it.
¹⁷And, behold, I, even I, do bring a flood of waters upon the earth, to destroy all flesh, wherein is the breath of life, from under heaven; and every thing that is in the earth shall die.
¹⁸But with thee will I establish my covenant; and thou shalt come into the ark, thou, and thy sons, and thy wife, and thy sons' wives with thee.
¹⁹And of every living thing of all flesh, two of every sort shalt thou bring into the ark, to keep them alive with thee; they shall be male and female.
I will concede that in the bronze age that was a big boat . But seriously Ithink it would be a tight squeeze to get all species of bugs let alone elephants and giraffes.
What about food never mind what food becomes after going through animals.And no matter how you try the animals are not going to form an orderly queue to crap over the side. One window one cubit square how is anything going to breathe ?
^20.Of fowls after their kind, and of cattle after their kind, of every creeping thing of the earth after his kind, two of every sort shall come unto thee, to keep them alive.
²¹And take thou unto thee of all food that is eaten, and thou shalt gather it to thee; and it shall be for food for thee, and for them.²²Thus did Noah; according to all that God commanded him, so did he.