Numbers Recap

Well what a palaver.

First as suggested by the title we have literally the numbers of men in the tribes. This is followed by the order of the tribal tents or the hierarchy of the owners of these tents. As said earlier the tribe of the Levites as priests were allocated the top of the food chain. Then the hierarchy of the Levites is described.
Then we move on to great offerings from the twelve tribes chiefs given by the princes of these tribes. This involves some precious things and of course, a lot of sacrifices to de lard.
This has apparently turned the meandering muppets into an army which allegedly are then led by de lard.

It is then dropped in that Moses had married an Ethiopian woman.[ Is this a possible inference that Moses is also a title and this is not the same Moses that led the people from Egypt,further hints that this is a new improved Moses, is that although still psychopathic, does seem to be more level headed]
This inadvertently leads to Aaron and Miriam,(a variant of Mary) coming forward with a few complaints about this other wife.Which for some reason leads to Miriam being apparently struck with leprosy by de lard. Moses then intervenes and she is apparently cured but ejected for a week.

De lard then tells Moses to send out spies to gather information of the surrounding nations. (why couldn't he just give him the info himself ? After all if anyone could know it should be de lard.) Obviously having been brought up with high moral values and strength of character being SO much closer to de lard than the rest of us mortals, lied through their back teeth.

A chap called Korah a grandson of Levi then leads a minor rebellion( some 250 men)Moses utilising all his man management promptly makes arrangements for them and their families(except Korah's for some reason) and anyone who may have the slightest possibility of agreeing with them gassed struck down by de ever lovin' lard with a localised plague.(14,700)
After making sure to dispose of the evidence, Moses then makes the Israelites take special precautions in the disposal of the bodies.

We then see either a repeat of the incident with the water from Edom or as I suspect a mistake made at some point between the possible events and the final edition of this book. Whether a mistake in the Oral tradition or two different scrolls being merged. Either way instead of the battle almost immediately in the first version, the Israelites now go forward on a mission to conquer......Oh wait that may be the same!!!Before they go to "war". Aaron and his son Eleazer are taken up to mount Hor, Eleazer puts on Aarons clothes and, presto ! Aaron is dead. This has a profound effect on de lard, as he stops announcing himself with the prefix..."I am de lard your gawd" every time he speaks to Moses.
In the name of the all merciful lard the Israelites capture some Amorite cities, killing all but virgin girls. Some of these survivors are offered as a "heave offering to de lard" ????.......Can you feel the love and mercy ?

We are introduced to a character Balak king of Moab, son of Zippor.[Any relation to Zipporah, daughter of Jethro,the midianite priest,Moses father in law ]who sends for Balaam to mediate between him and the invaders. Balaam, A man who beats his donkey and manages to fall off and hit his head in such a way that he gives himself Auditory Hallucinations. Believing god has reprimaded him (cos god loves animals) he then, with perfect Old Testament logic sacrifices 7 rams and 7 oxen to de lard. He reports to Balak with his hallucination.
Resistance is futile, the ravening hordes of Israel sweep across Canaan with a finesse not matched until Genghis Khan.




The last few chapters are mostly devoted to the splitting up of the lands,cities,gold, cattle and women.

Conclusion
Aside from yet again underlining de lards impotence, stupidity senility and blindness it just opens more questions.
Was there more than one Moses ?
Why, if the Israelites, who allegedly had seen all this evidence of gods so called power, were there so many dissidents.
Why if these incidents ,especially the conquest of Canaan are not recorded in any of the surrounding lands.
Or are the Israelites actually the "mysterious sea people" recorded in the some of the Amarna letters ?
Why is Moses thought of as good man when historically there are few that have been responsible(in their lifetime) for greater numbers of attrocities and murders of his fellow human beings ?

Genesis 8

¹And God remembered Noah, and every living thing, and all the cattle that was with him in the ark: and God made a wind to pass over the earth, and the waters assuaged;
God forgot Noah ? You would think from his publicity that he was above things like absent mindedness. Mind you that must have been one hell of a fart.
²The fountains also of the deep and the windows of heaven were stopped, and the rain from heaven was restrained;
³And the waters returned from off the earth continually: and after the end of the hundred and fifty days the waters were abated.
⁴And the ark rested in the seventh month, on the seventeenth day of the month, upon the mountains of Ararat.
⁵And the waters decreased continually until the tenth month: in the tenth month, on the first day of the month, were the tops of the mountains seen.
⁶And it came to pass at the end of forty days, that Noah opened the window of the ark which he had made:
I wonder If the stench of the ark prepared them for the fug of our fathers fart. One does wonder that in a watertight environment with all those millions of occupants how .
1. They didn't suffocate.
2.They could see.
⁷And he sent forth a raven, which went forth to and fro, until the waters were dried up from off the earth.
⁸Also he sent forth a dove from him, to see if the waters were abated from off the face of the ground;
⁹But the dove found no rest for the sole of her foot, and she returned unto him into the ark, for the waters were on the face of the whole earth: then he put forth his hand, and took her, and pulled her in unto him into the ark.
Doves and pigeons are known for their "homing " abilities whereas Ravens are not that is assuming it survived IF it was a worldwide flood.
¹⁰And he stayed yet other seven days; and again he sent forth the dove out of the ark;
¹¹And the dove came in to him in the evening; and, lo, in her mouth was an olive leaf pluckt off: so Noah knew that the waters were abated from off the earth.
Must have been either a fast growing or highly resilient olive tree .
¹²And he stayed yet other seven days; and sent forth the dove; which returned not again unto him any more.
¹³And it came to pass in the six hundredth and first year, in the first month, the first day of the month, the waters were dried up from off the earth: and Noah removed the covering of the ark, and looked, and, behold, the face of the ground was dry.
¹⁴And in the second month, on the seven and twentieth day of the month, was the earth dried.
¹⁵And God spake unto Noah, saying,
¹⁶Go forth of the ark, thou, and thy wife, and thy sons, and thy sons' wives with thee.
¹⁷Bring forth with thee every living thing that is with thee, of all flesh, both of fowl, and of cattle, and of every creeping thing that creepeth upon the earth; that they may breed abundantly in the earth, and be fruitful, and multiply upon the earth.
¹⁸And Noah went forth, and his sons, and his wife, and his sons' wives with him:
¹⁹Every beast, every creeping thing, and every fowl, and whatsoever creepeth upon the earth, after their kinds, went forth out of the ark.
²⁰And Noah builded an altar unto the LORD; and took of every clean beast, and of every clean fowl, and offered burnt offerings on the altar.
So after going through months struggling to keep all these things alive, He sacrifices them to the arrogant, absent minded, spiteful twat that has killed all his freinds, destroyed his home, made him his wife and children breath the fetid, fecal, fug in a dark cramped enviorement.
²¹And the LORD smelled a sweet savour; and the LORD said in his heart, I will not again curse the ground any more for man's sake; for the imagination of man's heart is evil from his youth; neither will I again smite any more every thing living, as I have done.
²²While the earth remaineth, seedtime and harvest, and cold and heat, and summer and winter, and day and night shall not cease.
So let's recap
There's this enormous omniscient, omnipotent, omnipresent sky dude who existed before anything was anything.One day before there were days he got bored. So for his own entertainment he.....
1. Creates the universe, Light and dark.
2.Creates the earth , seas and all life on earth.
3.Creates the sun, forgets he has already created man and woman and creates another man. Who is wrongly referred to from now on as the first man. Using this man's newly created naievety, god forces this man to tend a garden, for nothing apart from a restricted diet. He then clones the gardener and performs a sex change on the clone.
4.Gives this newly formed clone for some reason an inability to follow orders, an urge to talk instead of a need to communicate and a shape that makes the man think with a different organ than the brain.
5.Is unaware that another of his creations is undermining his orders.
6.Cannot find the man and his clone.
7.Loses his temper when they follow the instincts he designed.
8.Shows favouritism, and again misses what one or two of a handful of people are doing.
9.Gets upset centuries later because people are not doing what he wanted.
10.Didn't see any of this coming.
11. Consistently blamed man for all of his own fuck ups.
Conclusion

At this time although he was powerful to create the earth and all living things his alleged foresight is strangely lacking otherwise he may have realized he would have been better off creating optometrists, massage parlours and prozac first.
There is much of God in all of humanity, not much humanity in God.