Genesis 35

¹And God said unto Jacob, Arise, go up to Bethel, and dwell there: and make there an altar unto God, that appeared unto thee when thou fleddest from the face of Esau thy brother.

I guess god wasn't happy with the lingam he raised for him. Or else his poor memory has made him forget the alter Abram raised for him when he named the place bethel, as it was previously called ..................bethel.

²Then Jacob said unto his household, and to all that were with him, Put away the strange gods that are among you, and be clean, and change your garments:

Of course these aren't "real" gods. These are imaginary gods, as everyone knows you can't touch real gods, you can only touch pretend gods.

Riiight!

³And let us arise, and go up to Bethel; and I will make there an altar unto God, who answered me in the day of my distress, and was with me in the way which I went.

⁴And they gave unto Jacob all the strange gods which were in their hand, and all their earrings which were in their ears; and Jacob hid them under the oak which was by Shechem.

As everyone is aware Jacobs word is his bond.

⁵And they journeyed: and the terror of God was upon the cities that were round about them, and they did not pursue after the sons of Jacob.

Terror of god ?

If it really is "the terror of god" would you not expect a bit more elaboration.

Something like god smote the cities with fire and brimstone, a light breeze or maybe a plague descended from the heavens blighting the populace with the squits, headaches ingrowing toenails, anything give us a clue.

Terror of god,on its own just don't wash!
⁶So Jacob came to Luz, which is in the land of Canaan, that is, Bethel, he and all the people that were with him.

So he arrives at luz calling it bethel which it was known as before Abraham ever went there,even though he named it bethel jacob is on a mission from god to rename the place bethel.

Why when god created the earth did he not create a tree of perfect memory or something to help with this retention problem maybe he did but forgot where he put it.

⁷And he built there an altar, and called the place Elbethel: because there God appeared unto him, when he fled from the face of his brother.

Ah god has seen the romans coming before rome was invented becausethat is Bethel with an Italian accent.
⁸But Deborah, Rebekah's nurse died, and she was buried beneath Bethel under an oak: and the name of it was called Allonbachuth.

So not going to go with Bethel then, fear of god not doing it for you ?

⁹And God appeared unto Jacob again, when he came out of Padanaram, and blessed him.
¹⁰And God said unto him, Thy name is Jacob: thy name shall not be called any more Jacob, but Israel shall be thy name: and he called his name Israel.

Didn't he do this when they had their "Not gay in anyway" all-night "wrestling".
¹¹And God said unto him, I am God Almighty: be fruitful and multiply; a nation and a company of nations shall be of thee, and kings shall come out of thy loins;

Yeah yeah again again, how long is he going to keep promising this to how many generations. Every time the make a start to better themselves god makes them go walkabout and move back in a tent. Perhaps that's why his chosen people live in the middle east he wouldn't have got a Briton to leave a nice warm cave to go traipsing round the country building alters finding cousins to marry and renaming a place by its old name.

¹²And the land which I gave Abraham and Isaac, to thee I will give it, and to thy seed after thee will I give the land.
Fuck! He remembered something.
¹³And God went up from him in the place where he talked with him.
¹⁴And Jacob set up a pillar in the place where he talked with him, even a pillar of stone: and he poured a drink offering thereon, and he poured oil thereon.

Lingham can almost nearly mean standing stone if this family carry on with their erecting there would be a Stonehenge at bethel.

¹⁵And Jacob called the name of the place where God spake with him, Bethel.
¹⁶And they journeyed from Bethel; and there was but a little way to come to Ephrath: and Rachel travailed, and she had hard labour.
¹⁷And it came to pass, when she was in hard labour, that the midwife said unto her, Fear not; thou shalt have this son also.
¹⁸And it came to pass, as her soul was in departing, (for she died) that she called his name Benoni: but his father called him Benjamin.
¹⁹And Rachel died, and was buried in the way to Ephrath, which is Bethlehem.

So Jacob has done what his god asked for him and women you would expect him to care about are dropping like flies.

So the reason for doing gods bidding is ..............?

Or god so enjoyed their "wrestling" he is jealous of Jacobs other "wrestling" partners

²⁰And Jacob set a pillar upon her grave: that is the pillar of Rachel's grave unto this day.

He loves his erections

and so apparently,

does,

god.

²¹And Israel journeyed, and spread his tent beyond the tower of Edar.
²²And it came to pass, when Israel dwelt in that land, that Reuben went and lay with Bilhah his father's concubine: and Israel heard it. Now the sons of Jacob were twelve:
I am assuming that Israel was Jacob not the whole country.
If it was the whole country you can understand how he has got four women, and god lining up that'll prove he was from the wrong side of the blanket.
²³The sons of Leah; Reuben, Jacob's firstborn, and Simeon, and Levi, and Judah, and Issachar, and Zebulun:
²⁴The sons of Rachel; Joseph, and Benjamin:
²⁵And the sons of Bilhah, Rachel's handmaid; Dan, and Naphtali:
²⁶And the sons of Zilpah, Leah's handmaid: Gad, and Asher: these are the sons of Jacob, which were born to him in Padanaram.
²⁷And Jacob came unto Isaac his father unto Mamre, unto the city of Arbah, which is Hebron, where Abraham and Isaac sojourned.
²⁸And the days of Isaac were an hundred and fourscore years.
²⁹And Isaac gave up the ghost, and died, and was gathered unto his people, being old and full of days: and his sons Esau and Jacob buried him.

Genesis 28

Genesis 28

¹And Isaac called Jacob, and blessed him, and charged him, and said unto him, -
Blessed him! Blessed him ? After the con job he's just done on his father and brother.
- , Thou shalt not take a wife of the daughters of Canaan.
²Arise, go to Padanaram, to the house of Bethuel thy mother's father; and take thee a wife from thence of the daughers of Laban thy mother's brother.
I dunno they must be falling a bit far from the tree now or are Canaanite women just downright ugly or perhaps as is more like, the Canaanites are a bit more picky on who they will marry. Given the reputation of Abraham's family I wouldn't want my daughters anywhere near them.
Is Padanaram ancient Hebrew for Royston Vasey ?
³And God Almighty bless thee, and make thee fruitful, and multiply thee, that thou mayest be a multitude of people;
You can cut off the extra toes as necessary, try and ignore the gills, and the tendancy for the red colour on their necks.
⁴And give thee the blessing of Abraham, to thee, and to thy seed with thee; that thou mayest inherit the land wherein thou art a stranger, which God gave unto Abraham.
⁵And Isaac sent away Jacob: and he went to Padanaram unto Laban, son of Bethuel the Syrian, the brother of Rebekah, Jacob's and Esau's mother.
⁶When Esau saw that Isaac had blessed Jacob, and sent him away to Padanaram, to take him a wife from thence; and that as he blessed him he gave him a charge, saying, Thou shalt not take a wife of the daughters of Canaan;
⁷And that Jacob obeyed his father and his mother, and was gone to Padanaram;
⁸And Esau seeing that the daughters of Canaan pleased not Isaac his father;
⁹Then went Esau unto Ishmael, and took unto the wives which he had Mahalath the daughter of Ishmael Abraham's son, the sister of Nebajoth, to be his wife.

¹⁰And Jacob went out from Beersheba, and went toward Haran.
¹¹And he lighted upon a certain place, and tarried there all night, because the sun was set; and he took of the stones of that place, and put them for his pillows, and lay down in that place to sleep.
¹²And he dreamed, and behold a ladder set up on the earth, and the top of it reached to heaven: and behold the angels of God ascending and descending on it.

So much has been made of this dream, but that's all it was . A dream.

Picture this, A young boy asking questions about the "big city" .It being described to the boy and he is told about a big tower with steps reaching up to heaven, which "angels" use. Some years later that same boy is headed toward the city and in his slumber his dreams build a distorted but glorious "vision" of that scene. Who has not done a similar thing when excited about a forthcoming event ?
Especially when you know you are going to get laid at the end of it.....
......With something other than a goat.

¹³And, behold, the LORD stood above it, and said, I am the LORD God of Abraham thy father, and the God of Isaac: the land whereon thou liest, to thee will I give it, and to thy seed;
¹⁴And thy seed shall be as the dust of the earth, and thou shalt spread abroad to the west, and to the east, and to the north, and to the south: and in thee and in thy seed shall all the families of the earth be blessed.
¹⁵And, behold, I am with thee, and will keep thee in all places whither thou goest, and will bring thee again into this land; for I will not leave thee, until I have done that which I have spoken to thee of.
¹⁶And Jacob awaked out of his sleep, and he said, Surely the LORD is in this place; and I knew it not.

This family sure does have a problem separating fantasy and fact.

¹⁷And he was afraid, and said, How dreadful is this place! this is none other but the house of God, and this is the gate of heaven.
¹⁸And Jacob rose up early in the morning, and took the stone that he had put for his pillows, and set it up for a pillar, and poured oil upon the top of it.

Umm ?

¹⁹And he called the name of that place Bethel: but the name of that city was called Luz at the first.

Was it not called Bethel when Abram left for Egypt the first time ?

²⁰And Jacob vowed a vow, saying, If God will be with me, and will keep me in this way that I go, and will give me bread to eat, and raiment to put on,
²¹So that I come again to my father's house in peace; then shall the LORD be my God:
²²And this stone, which I have set for a pillar, shall be God's house: and of all that thou shalt give me I will surely give the tenth unto thee.

How do you think Jacob would do here ?

Genesis 13

Genesis 13

¹And Abram went up out of Egypt, he, and his wife, and all that he had, and Lot with him, into the south.
He must have taken the long way round Bethel is in the west bank as it is north east of Egypt.
²And Abram was very rich in cattle, in silver, and in gold.
Pimpin his ho to pharoah really paid well.
³And he went on his journeys from the south even to Bethel, unto the place where his tent had been at the beginning, between Bethel and Hai;
He must have his map the right way up now wonder how far he got heading south before he realised his mistake.
⁴Unto the place of the altar, which he had make there at the first: and there Abram called on the name of the LORD.
⁵And Lot also, which went with Abram, had flocks, and herds, and tents.
⁶And the land was not able to bear them, that they might dwell together: for their substance was great, so that they could not dwell together.
⁷And there was a strife between the herdmen of Abram's cattle and the herdmen of Lot's cattle: and the Canaanite and the Perizzite dwelled then in the land.
⁸And Abram said unto Lot, Let there be no strife, I pray thee, between me and thee, and between my herdmen and thy herdmen; for we be brethren.
⁹Is not the whole land before thee? separate thyself, I pray thee, from me: if thou wilt take the left hand, then I will go to the right; or if thou depart to the right hand, then I will go to the left.
¹⁰And Lot lifted up his eyes, and beheld all the plain of Jordan, that it was well watered every where, before the LORD destroyed Sodom and Gomorrah, even as the garden of the LORD, like the land of Egypt, as thou comest unto Zoar.
¹¹Then Lot chose him all the plain of Jordan; and Lot journeyed east: and they separated themselves the one from the other.
¹²Abram dwelled in the land of Canaan, and Lot dwelled in the cities of the plain, and pitched his tent toward Sodom.
¹³But the men of Sodom were wicked and sinners before the LORD exceedingly.
I am of the opinion that people are people the world over I don't understand how a whole world or in this case a whole city can be branded as sinful. I also fail to understand how any of the early city states were much different than any of the others. They were all ruled either by their own king or an emporor/king of kings.
¹⁴And the LORD said unto Abram, after that Lot was separated from him, Lift up now thine eyes, and look from the place where thou art northward, and southward, and eastward, and westward:
¹⁵For all the land which thou seest, to thee will I give it, and to thy seed for ever.
¹⁶And I will make thy seed as the dust of the earth: so that if a man can number the dust of the earth, then shall thy seed also be numbered.
¹⁷Arise, walk through the land in the length of it and in the breadth of it; for I will give it unto thee.
Yeah Lot will buy that I mean who wouldn't, after all Abram has never shown himself to be untrustworthy. ¹⁸Then Abram removed his tent, and came and dwelt in the plain of Mamre, which is in Hebron, and built there an altar unto the LORD.

Genesis 12

Genesis 12

¹Now the LORD had said unto Abram, Get thee out of thy country, and from thy kindred, and from thy father's house, unto a land that I will shew thee:
So the last person God spoke to in person was Noah since then (over 1,000 years) he waits until Abram has with his parents trekked across to Haran get settled and tells him to move again. Leave yet another City they have been involved in building. Its not as if they could just call Pickfords and shoot over to this other land.
²And I will make of thee a great nation, and I will bless thee, and make thy name great; and thou shalt be a blessing:
³And I will bless them that bless thee, and curse him that curseth thee: and in thee shall all families of the earth be blessed.
Now God seems to think he is a Cheerleader.
⁴So Abram departed, as the LORD had spoken unto him; and Lot went with him: and Abram was seventy and five years old when he departed out of Haran.
⁵And Abram took Sarai his wife, and Lot his brother's son, and all their substance that they had gathered, and the souls that they had gotten in Haran; and they went forth to go into the land of Canaan; and into the land of Canaan they came.
⁶And Abram passed through the land unto the place of Sichem, unto the plain of Moreh. And the Canaanite was then in the land.
⁷And the LORD appeared unto Abram, and said, Unto thy seed will I give this land: and there builded he an altar unto the LORD, who appeared unto him.
So this 75 year old man has been told to up roots trek over the complete length of modern Syria with a wife not much younger.
⁸And he removed from thence unto a mountain on the east of Bethel, and pitched his tent, having Bethel on the west, and Hai on the east: and there he builded an altar unto the LORD, and called upon the name of the LORD.
⁹And Abram journeyed, going on still toward the south.
¹⁰And there was a famine in the land: and Abram went down into Egypt to sojourn there; for the famine was grievous in the land.
Sureley if God told him where to go and he had been that impressed or frightened of De Lawd that he was willing to walk over 500 miles (cue the proclaimers)over hot arid terrain .

1.On arrival Abram would have stayed put.

2.God would have wished him to be comfortable.

¹¹And it came to pass, when he was come near to enter into Egypt, that he said unto Sarai his wife, Behold now, I know that thou art a fair woman to look upon:
Are we now expected to believe Sarai is much younger than Abram I have always been taught she was in her sixties.
¹²Therefore it shall come to pass, when the Egyptians shall see thee, that they shall say, This is his wife: and they will kill me, but they will save thee alive.
Ah! I see it's not Sarai that's barren, it's Abram that can't get it up because he has no balls.
¹³Say, I pray thee, thou art my sister: that it may be well with me for thy sake; and my soul shall live because of thee.
¹⁴And it came to pass, that, when Abram was come into Egypt, the Egyptians beheld the woman that she was very fair.
¹⁵The princes also of Pharaoh saw her, and commended her before Pharaoh: and the woman was taken into Pharaoh's house.
¹⁶And he entreated Abram well for her sake: and he had sheep, and oxen, and he asses, and menservants, and maidservants, and she asses, and camels.
So Abram whored his wife out, after dragging her all that way. Nice man!
¹⁷And the LORD plagued Pharaoh and his house with great plagues because of Sarai Abram's wife.
Would it not have been easier and nicer to have ensured that the original destination was not in famine ?
¹⁸And Pharaoh called Abram and said, What is this that thou hast done unto me? why didst thou not tell me that she was thy wife?
Because he was a spineless turd and Pharoah was paying well for her services.
¹⁹Why saidst thou, She is my sister? so I might have taken her to me to wife: now therefore behold thy wife, take her, and go thy way.
²⁰And Pharaoh commanded his men concerning him: and they sent him away, and his wife, and all that he had.

Now correct me if I am wrong but I get the distinct impression that this God either coudn,t organise a piss up at a brewery or he is just a sadistic monster, and the great Abram father of the Jewish nation is just a weak willed, impotent abusive and sad little man.