2 Samuel 11

   ¹And it came to pass, after the year was expired, at the time when kings go forth to battle, that David sent Joab, and his servants with him, and all Israel; and they destroyed the children of Ammon, and besieged Rabbah. But David tarried still at Jerusalem.

"tarried in jerusalem" 
Or to put it another way..........Far from the fighting, living in the lap of luxury surrounded by servants and sycophants.

   ²And it came to pass in an eveningtide, that David arose from off his bed, and walked upon the roof of the king's house: and from the roof he saw a woman washing herself; and the woman was very beautiful to look upon. 

Three things here.
1. "eveningtide, that David arose from off his bed" lazy bastard, while people are warring for him he lazes around all day in his pit.
2. A woman? I repeat a woman?
3."very beautiful to look upon" I assume that means she was flat chested and had narrow hips.


   ³And David sent and enquired after the woman. And one said, Is not this Bathsheba, the daughter of Eliam, the wife of Uriah the Hittite?

Would this be the time to recall the tenth commandment.
Thou shalt not covert thy neighbours  wife, nor his manservant, nor his maidservant, nor his ox, nor his ass, nor any thing that is thy neighbour's

   ⁴And David sent messengers, and took her; and she came in unto him, and he lay with her; for she was purified from her uncleanness: and she returned unto her house.

Need I say "thou shalt not commit adultery

   ⁵And the woman conceived, and sent and told David, and said, I am with child. 
   ⁶And David sent to Joab, saying, Send me Uriah the Hittite. And Joab sent Uriah to David.
   ⁷And when Uriah was come unto him, David demanded of him how Joab did, and how the people did, and how the war prospered.
   ⁸And David said to Uriah, Go down to thy house, and wash thy feet. And Uriah departed out of the king's house, and there followed him a mess of meat from the king.
   ⁹But Uriah slept at the door of the king's house with all the servants of his lord, and went not down to his house.

So Davids idea to pass the buck on Uriah did not work.
 
   ¹⁰And when they had told David, saying, Uriah went not down unto his house, David said unto Uriah, Camest thou not from thy journey? why then didst thou not go down unto thine house?
   ¹¹And Uriah said unto David, The ark, and Israel, and Judah, abide in tents; and my lord Joab, and the servants of my lord, are encamped in the open fields; shall I then go into mine house, to eat and to drink, and to lie with my wife? as thou livest, and as thy soul liveth, I will not do this thing. 

Oooh bitchy! but true.

   ¹²And David said to Uriah, Tarry here to day also, and to morrow I will let thee depart. So Uriah abode in Jerusalem that day, and the morrow.
   ¹³And when David had called him, he did eat and drink before him; and he made him drunk: and at even he went out to lie on his bed with the servants of his lord, but went not down to his house.
   ¹⁴And it came to pass in the morning, that David wrote a letter to Joab, and sent it by the hand of Uriah.
   ¹⁵And he wrote in the letter, saying, Set ye Uriah in the forefront of the hottest battle, and retire ye from him, that he may be smitten, and die.

What a bastard! None the less, a way of getting around breaking another one of the commandments.

   ¹⁶And it came to pass, when Joab observed the city, that he assigned Uriah unto a place where he knew that valiant men were.
   ¹⁷And the men of the city went out, and fought with Joab: and there fell some of the people of the servants of David; and Uriah the Hittite died also.
   ¹⁸Then Joab sent and told David all the things concerning the war;
   ¹⁹And charged the messenger, saying, When thou hast made an end of telling the matters of the war unto the king,
   ²⁰And if so be that the king's wrath arise, and he say unto thee, Wherefore approached ye so nigh unto the city when ye did fight? knew ye not that they would shoot from the wall?
   ²¹Who smote Abimelech the son of Jerubbesheth? did not a woman cast a piece of a millstone upon him from the wall, that he died in Thebez? why went ye nigh the wall? then say thou, Thy servant Uriah the Hittite is dead also.
   ²²So the messenger went, and came and shewed David all that Joab had sent him for.
   ²³And the messenger said unto David, Surely the men prevailed against us, and came out unto us into the field, and we were upon them even unto the entering of the gate.
   ²⁴And the shooters shot from off the wall upon thy servants; and some of the king's servants be dead, and thy servant Uriah the Hittite is dead also.
   ²⁵Then David said unto the messenger, Thus shalt thou say unto Joab, Let not this thing displease thee, for the sword devoureth one as well as another: make thy battle more strong against the city, and overthrow it: and encourage thou him.
   ²⁶And when the wife of Uriah heard that Uriah her husband was dead, she mourned for her husband.
   ²⁷And when the mourning was past, David sent and fetched her to his house, and she became his wife, and bare him a son. But the thing that David had done displeased the LORD.

So delard is displeased?
I am now confused, for centuries if not millenia delard has positively rewarded his people for being murderous, decietful and total bastards. You would have thought David would have been given a huge bounty by delard. 

1 Samuel 17

 ¹Now the Philistines gathered together their armies to battle, and were gathered together at Shochoh, which belongeth to Judah, and pitched between Shochoh and Azekah, in Ephesdammim.
 ²And Saul and the men of Israel were gathered together, and pitched by the valley of Elah, and set the battle in array against the Philistines.

Saul??
Saul is leading the Israelite army.........did de lard not order his impeachment? Of course this has nothing to do with the breakup of Sam and Saul. And don't forget how this underlines the power   impotence of de lard.  
 
 ³And the Philistines stood on a mountain on the one side, and Israel stood on a mountain on the other side: and there was a valley between them.
 ⁴And there went out a champion out of the camp of the Philistines, named Goliath, of Gath, whose height was six cubits and a span.

Six cubits and a span? A cubit at the time was somewhere around 18-20 inches and I assume a span is a hands width so Goliath is apparently just over 3 metres or 10-11 feet tall in english money, here we go againa possible fact exagerated out of all proportion till it just becomes ridiculous.
 Even if he was wearing stilletto's with twelve inch heels and stood on a box he would still be too short
Is this where we get the phrase  "tell a tall story", from

 ⁵And he had an helmet of brass upon his head, and he was armed with a coat of mail; and the weight of the coat was five thousand shekels of brass.
 ⁶And he had greaves of brass upon his legs, and a target of brass between his shoulders.
 ⁷And the staff of his spear was like a weaver's beam; and his spear's head weighed six hundred shekels of iron: and one bearing a shield went before him.

Okay, okay he was a big strong man,his butchness outclassed the butchest man in butch land.
 
 ⁸And he stood and cried unto the armies of Israel, and said unto them, Why are ye come out to set your battle in array? am not I a Philistine, and ye servants to Saul? choose you a man for you, and let him come down to me.
 ⁹If he be able to fight with me, and to kill me, then will we be your servants: but if I prevail against him, and kill him, then shall ye be our servants, and serve us.
 ¹⁰And the Philistine said, I defy the armies of Israel this day; give me a man, that we may fight together.
 ¹¹When Saul and all Israel heard those words of the Philistine, they were dismayed, and greatly afraid.
 ¹²Now David was the son of that Ephrathite of Bethlehemjudah, whose name was Jesse; and he had eight sons: and the man went among men for an old man in the days of Saul.
 ¹³And the three eldest sons of Jesse went and followed Saul to the battle: and the names of his three sons that went to the battle were Eliab the firstborn, and next unto him Abinadab, and the third Shammah.
 ¹⁴And David was the youngest: and the three eldest followed Saul.
 ¹⁵But David went and returned from Saul to feed his father's sheep at Bethlehem.
 ¹⁶And the Philistine drew near morning and evening, and presented himself forty days.
 ¹⁷And Jesse said unto David his son, Take now for thy brethren an ephah of this parched corn, and these ten loaves, and run to the camp of thy brethren;
 ¹⁸And carry these ten cheeses unto the captain of their thousand, and look how thy brethren fare, and take their pledge.
 ¹⁹Now Saul, and they, and all the men of Israel, were in the valley of Elah, fighting with the Philistines.
 ²⁰And David rose up early in the morning, and left the sheep with a keeper, and took, and went, as Jesse had commanded him; and he came to the trench, as the host was going forth to the fight, and shouted for the battle.
 ²¹For Israel and the Philistines had put the battle in array, army against army.
 ²²And David left his carriage in the hand of the keeper of the carriage, and ran into the army, and came and saluted his brethren.
 ²³And as he talked with them, behold, there came up the champion, the Philistine of Gath, Goliath by name, out of the armies of the Philistines, and spake according to the same words: and David heard them.
 ²⁴And all the men of Israel, when they saw the man, fled from him, and were sore afraid. 

These brave men of Israel, always ready to go into a defeated city and murder the elderly,the male and the young, sometimes raping and or murdering and or enslaving the young virgin girls. But faced with on oversized, armed man they shit themselves.


 ²⁵And the men of Israel said, Have ye seen this man that is come up? surely to defy Israel is he come up: and it shall be, that the man who killeth him, the king will enrich him with great riches, and will give him his daughter, and make his father's house free in Israel.
 ²⁶And David spake to the men that stood by him, saying, What shall be done to the man that killeth this Philistine, and taketh away the reproach from Israel? for who is this uncircumcised Philistine, that he should defy the armies of the living God?
 ²⁷And the people answered him after this manner, saying, So shall it be done to the man that killeth him.
 ²⁸And Eliab his eldest brother heard when he spake unto the men; and Eliab's anger was kindled against David, and he said, Why camest thou down hither? and with whom hast thou left those few sheep in the wilderness? I know thy pride, and the naughtiness of thine heart; for thou art come down that thou mightest see the battle.

A glimmer of reality....two brothers bitching at each other.
 
 ²⁹And David said, What have I now done? Is there not a cause?
 ³⁰And he turned from him toward another, and spake after the same manner: and the people answered him again after the former manner.
 ³¹And when the words were heard which David spake, they rehearsed them before Saul: and he sent for him.
 ³²And David said to Saul, Let no man's heart fail because of him; thy servant will go and fight with this Philistine.
 ³³And Saul said to David, Thou art not able to go against this Philistine to fight with him: for thou art but a youth, and he a man of war from his youth.
 ³⁴And David said unto Saul, Thy servant kept his father's sheep, and there came a lion, and a bear, and took a lamb out of the flock:

A sheep was taken by a lion, AND a bear!Wow!............If two vicious and powerful predators can work together perhaps there is hope for the human race. Or on the other hand it could be complete bollocks.
 
 ³⁵And I went out after him, and smote him, and delivered it out of his mouth: and when he arose against me, I caught him by his beard, and smote him, and slew him.

Caught him by his beard, hmmm.......Young man, hungry lion, close contact, I am really not convinced.

 ³⁶Thy servant slew both the lion and the bear: and this uncircumcised Philistine shall be as one of them, seeing he hath defied the armies of the living God.

Defiled? That implies some unsolicited sodomy at least, not just a little light taunting.
 
 ³⁷David said moreover, The LORD that delivered me out of the paw of the lion, and out of the paw of the bear, he will deliver me out of the hand of this Philistine. And Saul said unto David, Go, and the LORD be with thee. 

So the deal is a one against one fight to the death for total win, total surrender. Knowing this Saul entrusts this to a young lad, a lad so young in fact, he still thinks playing with his sling, is more rewarding than playing with his penis,

 ³⁸And Saul armed David with his armour, and he put an helmet of brass upon his head; also he armed him with a coat of mail.
 ³⁹And David girded his sword upon his armour, and he assayed to go; for he had not proved it. And David said unto Saul, I cannot go with these; for I have not proved them. And David put them off him.
 ⁴⁰And he took his staff in his hand, and chose him five smooth stones out of the brook, and put them in a shepherd's bag which he had, even in a scrip; and his sling was in his hand: and he drew near to the Philistine.
 ⁴¹And the Philistine came on and drew near unto David; and the man that bare the shield went before him.
 ⁴²And when the Philistine looked about, and saw David, he disdained him: for he was but a youth, and ruddy, and of a fair countenance.
 ⁴³And the Philistine said unto David, Am I a dog, that thou comest to me with staves? And the Philistine cursed David by his gods.
 ⁴⁴And the Philistine said to David, Come to me, and I will give thy flesh unto the fowls of the air, and to the beasts of the field.
 ⁴⁵Then said David to the Philistine, Thou comest to me with a sword, and with a spear, and with a shield: but I come to thee in the name of the LORD of hosts, the God of the armies of Israel, whom thou hast defied.

Are we really sure David was an Israelite, maybe it is just the folly of youth, but he seems to show culturally uncharachteristic bravery.

 ⁴⁶This day will the LORD deliver thee into mine hand; and I will smite thee, and take thine head from thee; and I will give the carcases of the host of the Philistines this day unto the fowls of the air, and to the wild beasts of the earth; that all the earth may know that there is a God in Israel.
 ⁴⁷And all this assembly shall know that the LORD saveth not with sword and spear: for the battle is the LORD's, and he will give you into our hands.
 ⁴⁸And it came to pass, when the Philistine arose, and came, and drew nigh to meet David, that David hastened, and ran toward the army to meet the Philistine.
 ⁴⁹And David put his hand in his bag, and took thence a stone, and slang it, and smote the Philistine in his forehead, that the stone sunk into his forehead; and he fell upon his face to the earth.
 ⁵⁰So David prevailed over the Philistine with a sling and with a stone, and smote the Philistine, and slew him; but there was no sword in the hand of David.
 ⁵¹Therefore David ran, and stood upon the Philistine, and took his sword, and drew it out of the sheath thereof, and slew him, and cut off his head therewith. And when the Philistines saw their champion was dead, they fled.

Maybe he is an Israelite after all, slaying an unconscious enemy is what we have come to expect.
 
 ⁵²And the men of Israel and of Judah arose, and shouted, and pursued the Philistines, until thou come to the valley, and to the gates of Ekron. And the wounded of the Philistines fell down by the way to Shaaraim, even unto Gath, and unto Ekron.

Again the Israelites show themselves not to be trusted.
 
 ⁵³And the children of Israel returned from chasing after the Philistines, and they spoiled their tents.
 ⁵⁴And David took the head of the Philistine, and brought it to Jerusalem; but he put his armour in his tent.
 ⁵⁵And when Saul saw David go forth against the Philistine, he said unto Abner, the captain of the host, Abner, whose son is this youth? And Abner said, As thy soul liveth, O king, I cannot tell.
 ⁵⁶And the king said, Enquire thou whose son the stripling is.
 ⁵⁷And as David returned from the slaughter of the Philistine, Abner took him, and brought him before Saul with the head of the Philistine in his hand.
 ⁵⁸And Saul said to him, Whose son art thou, thou young man? And David answered, I am the son of thy servant Jesse the Bethlehemite.

Numbers 24

Numbers 24

¹And when Balaam saw that it pleased the LORD to bless Israel, he went not, as at other times, to seek for enchantments, but he set his face toward the wilderness.

²And Balaam lifted up his eyes, and he saw Israel abiding in his tents according to their tribes; and the spirit of God came upon him.

The holy spirit gave him a pearl necklace ????

Or his injury caused a fit.

³And he took up his parable, and said, Balaam the son of Beor hath said, and the man whose eyes are open hath said:

⁴He hath said, which heard the words of God, which saw the vision of the Almighty, falling into a trance, but having his eyes open:

Might be more than a straightforward head injury it may be some form of epilepsy

⁵How goodly are thy tents, O Jacob, and thy tabernacles, O Israel!

⁶As the valleys are they spread forth, as gardens by the river's side, as the trees of lign aloes which the LORD hath planted, and as cedar trees beside the waters.

⁷He shall pour the water out of his buckets, and his seed shall be in many waters, and his king shall be higher than Agag, and his kingdom shall be exalted.

⁸God brought him forth out of Egypt; he hath as it were the strength of an unicorn: he shall eat up the nations his enemies, and shall break their bones, and pierce them through with his arrows.

⁹He couched, he lay down as a lion, and as a great lion: who shall stir him up? Blessed is he that blesseth thee, and cursed is he that curseth thee.

¹⁰And Balak's anger was kindled against Balaam, and he smote his hands together: and Balak said unto Balaam, I called thee to curse mine enemies, and, behold, thou hast altogether blessed them these three times.

¹¹Therefore now flee thou to thy place: I thought to promote thee unto great honour; but, lo, the LORD hath kept thee back from honour.

¹²And Balaam said unto Balak, Spake I not also to thy messengers which thou sentest unto me, saying,

¹³If Balak would give me his house full of silver and gold, I cannot go beyond the commandment of the LORD, to do either good or bad of mine own mind; but what the LORD saith, that will I speak?

¹⁴And now, behold, I go unto my people: come therefore, and I will advertise thee what this people shall do to thy people in the latter days.

¹⁵And he took up his parable, and said, Balaam the son of Beor hath said, and the man whose eyes are open hath said:

¹⁶He hath said, which heard the words of God, and knew the knowledge of the most High, which saw the vision of the Almighty, falling into a trance, but having his eyes open:

¹⁷I shall see him, but not now: I shall behold him, but not nigh: there shall come a Star out of Jacob, and a Sceptre shall rise out of Israel, and shall smite the corners of Moab, and destroy all the children of Sheth.

Well that has me convinced....What we have here is hallucinations ,probably caused by some swelling on the brain from his falling on his ass when he fell off his ass.

Occipital Lobes: most posterior, at the back of the head

• Defects in vision (Visual Field Cuts).
• Difficulty with locating objects in environment.
• Difficulty with identifying colors (Color Agnosia).
• Production of hallucinations.
• Visual illusions - inaccurately seeing objects.
• Word blindness - inability to recognize words.
• Difficulty in recognizing drawn objects.
• Inability to recognize the movement of object (Movement Agnosia).
• Difficulties with reading and writing.

¹⁸And Edom shall be a possession, Seir also shall be a possession for his enemies; and Israel shall do valiantly.

¹⁹Out of Jacob shall come he that shall have dominion, and shall destroy him that remaineth of the city.

²⁰And when he looked on Amalek, he took up his parable, and said, Amalek was the first of the nations; but his latter end shall be that he perish for ever.

²¹And he looked on the Kenites, and took up his parable, and said, Strong is thy dwellingplace, and thou puttest thy nest in a rock.

²²Nevertheless the Kenite shall be wasted, until Asshur shall carry thee away captive.

²³And he took up his parable, and said, Alas, who shall live when God doeth this!

²⁴And ships shall come from the coast of Chittim, and shall afflict Asshur, and shall afflict Eber, and he also shall perish for ever.

²⁵And Balaam rose up, and went and returned to his place: and Balak also went his way.

Exodus 15

Exodus 15

¹Then sang Moses and the children of Israel this song unto the LORD, and spake, saying, I will sing unto the LORD, for he hath triumphed gloriously: the horse and his rider hath he thrown into the sea.

Oh wow it's an answered prayer

Still said today by god botherer's when things go their way as to the more usually said "It is the will of god", or" god works in mysterious ways". when things don't go their way

²The LORD is my strength and song, and he is become my salvation: he is my God, and I will prepare him an habitation; my father's God, and I will exalt him.

Still said today especially just before the collection plate goes round.

³The LORD is a man of war: the LORD is his name.

Not a god of peace and love then

⁴Pharaoh's chariots and his host hath he cast into the sea: his chosen captains also are drowned in the Red sea.

Red sea ?

⁵The depths have covered them: they sank into the bottom as a stone.

⁶Thy right hand, O LORD, is become glorious in power: thy right hand, O LORD, hath dashed in pieces the enemy.

⁷And in the greatness of thine excellency thou hast overthrown them that rose up against thee: thou sentest forth thy wrath, which consumed them as stubble.

Did they not burn stubble ?

⁸And with the blast of thy nostrils the waters were gathered together, the floods stood upright as an heap, and the depths were congealed in the heart of the sea.

⁹The enemy said, I will pursue, I will overtake, I will divide the spoil; my lust shall be satisfied upon them; I will draw my sword, my hand shall destroy them.

¹⁰Thou didst blow with thy wind, the sea covered them: they sank as lead in the mighty waters.

¹¹Who is like unto thee, O LORD, among the gods? who is like thee, glorious in holiness, fearful in praises, doing wonders?

Still not the only one then perhaps the other gods aren't demented sadistic cunts.

¹²Thou stretchedst out thy right hand, the earth swallowed them.

¹³Thou in thy mercy hast led forth the people which thou hast redeemed: thou hast guided them in thy strength unto thy holy habitation.

¹⁴The people shall hear, and be afraid: sorrow shall take hold on the inhabitants of Palestina.

¹⁵Then the dukes of Edom shall be amazed; the mighty men of Moab, trembling shall take hold upon them; all the inhabitants of Canaan shall melt away.

Poor old Moses it's all been a bit much for him. His already tentative grasp on reality has gone off for a well earned rest. He has completely gone off hiss rocker.

¹⁶Fear and dread shall fall upon them; by the greatness of thine arm they shall be as still as a stone; till thy people pass over, O LORD, till the people pass over, which thou hast purchased.

Ummm!

Was there a selling of slaves, or ransome paid where did they mention that ?

¹⁷Thou shalt bring them in, and plant them in the mountain of thine inheritance, in the place, O LORD, which thou hast made for thee to dwell in, in the Sanctuary, O LORD, which thy hands have established.

¹⁸The LORD shall reign for ever and ever.

Or until the human race grows up and comes to it's senses.

¹⁹For the horse of Pharaoh went in with his chariots and with his horsemen into the sea, and the LORD brought again the waters of the sea upon them; but the children of Israel went on dry land in the midst of the sea.

²⁰And Miriam the prophetess, the sister of Aaron, took a timbrel in her hand; and all the women went out after her with timbrels and with dances.

²¹And Miriam answered them, Sing ye to the LORD, for he hath triumphed gloriously; the horse and his rider hath he thrown into the sea.

²²So Moses brought Israel from the Red sea, and they went out into the wilderness of Shur; and they went three days in the wilderness, and found no water.

Well that lasted well didn't it? Is there no beginning to gods power ?

²³And when they came to Marah, they could not drink of the waters of Marah, for they were bitter: therefore the name of it was called Marah.

²⁴And the people murmured against Moses, saying, What shall we drink?

So they left the beer of egypt and rather than go to palastine directly they go the other way towards africa. They must have a deity that really knows what he wants.

²⁵And he cried unto the LORD; and the LORD shewed him a tree, which when he had cast into the waters, the waters were made sweet: there he made for them a statute and an ordinance, and there he proved them,

²⁶And said, If thou wilt diligently hearken to the voice of the LORD thy God, and wilt do that which is right in his sight, and wilt give ear to his commandments, and keep all his statutes, I will put none of these diseases upon thee, which I have brought upon the Egyptians: for I am the LORD that healeth thee.

Since that time no jew has suffered illness pain or injustice thus proving the existance of god ,his honesty and his love.......

²⁷And they came to Elim, where were twelve wells of water, and threescore and ten palm trees: and they encamped there by the waters.

Theres that twelve and seven-ty again

Genesis 30

Genesis 30

¹And when Rachel saw that she bare Jacob no children, Rachel envied her sister; and said unto Jacob, Give me children, or else I die.
She should have took a trip to the temple. Got laid by a real man.
²And Jacob's anger was kindled against Rachel: and he said, Am I in God's stead, who hath withheld from thee the fruit of the womb?
Just like his father and grandfather blame anyone else but his seedless semen.
³And she said, Behold my maid Bilhah, go in unto her; and she shall bear upon my knees, that I may also have children by her.
⁴And she gave him Bilhah her handmaid to wife: and Jacob went in unto her.
Mind you it got him a ride on the maid.
⁵And Bilhah conceived, and bare Jacob a son.
⁶And Rachel said, God hath judged me, and hath also heard my voice, and hath given me a son: therefore called she his name Dan.
⁷And Bilhah Rachel's maid conceived again, and bare Jacob a second son.
⁸And Rachel said, With great wrestlings have I wrestled with my sister, and I have prevailed: and she called his name Naphtali.
⁹When Leah saw that she had left bearing, she took Zilpah her maid, and gave her Jacob to wife.
¹⁰And Zilpah Leah's maid bare Jacob a son.
¹¹And Leah said, A troop cometh: and she called his name Gad.
What she shagged the Troops ?
¹²And Zilpah Leah's maid bare Jacob a second son.
¹³And Leah said, Happy am I, for the daughters will call me blessed: and she called his name Asher.
¹⁴And Reuben went in the days of wheat harvest, and found mandrakes in the field, and brought them unto his mother Leah. Then Rachel said to Leah, Give me, I pray thee, of thy son's mandrakes.
¹⁵And she said unto her, Is it a small matter that thou hast taken my husband? and wouldest thou take away my son's mandrakes also? And Rachel said, Therefore he shall lie with thee to night for thy son's mandrakes.
Just a Gigolo and no mention of Dave le Roth, blasphemy.
¹⁶And Jacob came out of the field in the evening, and Leah went out to meet him, and said, Thou must come in unto me; for surely I have hired thee with my son's mandrakes. And he lay with her that night.
What's the betting she was already pregnant, and needed to go through the motions with jacob before she started to show.
¹⁷And God hearkened unto Leah, and she conceived, and bare Jacob the fifth son.
¹⁸And Leah said, God hath given me my hire, because I have given my maiden to my husband: and she called his name Issachar.
¹⁹And Leah conceived again, and bare Jacob the sixth son.
²⁰And Leah said, God hath endued me with a good dowry; now will my husband dwell with me, because I have born him six sons: and she called his name Zebulun.
²¹And afterwards she bare a daughter, and called her name Dinah.
²²And God remembered Rachel, and God hearkened to her, and opened her womb.
The old twat is forgetting again when does this all knowing god appear so far he has more in common with Professor Brainard than the omniscient diety we keep getting told about.
²³And she conceived, and bare a son; and said, God hath taken away my reproach:
He probably forgot where he put it.
²⁴And she called his name Joseph; and said, The LORD shall add to me another son.
That's a well notched bedpost.
²⁵And it came to pass, when Rachel had born Joseph, that Jacob said unto Laban, Send me away, that I may go unto mine own place, and to my country.
²⁶Give me my wives and my children, for whom I have served thee, and let me go: for thou knowest my service which I have done thee.
²⁷And Laban said unto him, I pray thee, if I have found favour in thine eyes, tarry: for I have learned by experience that the LORD hath blessed me for thy sake.
²⁸And he said, Appoint me thy wages, and I will give it.
²⁹And he said unto him, Thou knowest how I have served thee, and how thy cattle was with me.
Thats not nice calling Labans Daughters cows.
³⁰For it was little which thou hadst before I came, and it is now increased unto a multitude; and the LORD hath blessed thee since my coming: and now when shall I provide for mine own house also?
³¹And he said, What shall I give thee? And Jacob said, Thou shalt not give me any thing: if thou wilt do this thing for me, I will again feed and keep thy flock.
³²I will pass through all thy flock to day, removing from thence all the speckled and spotted cattle, and all the brown cattle among the sheep, and the spotted and speckled among the goats: and of such shall be my hire.
³³So shall my righteousness answer for me in time to come, when it shall come for my hire before thy face: every one that is not speckled and spotted among the goats, and brown among the sheep, that shall be counted stolen with me.
³⁴And Laban said, Behold, I would it might be according to thy word.
C'mon Laban you must know your about to get fucked over. Think man you can't trust them.
³⁵And he removed that day the he goats that were ringstraked and spotted, and all the she goats that were speckled and spotted, and every one that had some white in it, and all the brown among the sheep, and gave them into the hand of his sons.
³⁶And he set three days' journey betwixt himself and Jacob: and Jacob fed the rest of Laban's flocks.
Over 14 years being treated as a son. Would you do this to Laban ?
³⁷And Jacob took him rods of green poplar, and of the hazel and chesnut tree; and pilled white strakes in them, and made the white appear which was in the rods.
³⁸And he set the rods which he had piled before the flocks in the gutters in the watering troughs when the flocks came to drink, that they should conceive when they came to drink.
Of course its gods loyalty he's showing.
³⁹And the flocks conceived before the rods, and brought forth cattle ringstraked, speckled, and spotted.
⁴⁰And Jacob did separate the lambs, and set the faces of the flocks toward the ringstraked, and all the brown in the flock of Laban; and he put his own flocks by themselves, and put them not unto Laban's cattle.
There,s enough witchcraft in this story to satisfy Aliester Crowley (cue Ozzy Osbourne)
⁴¹And it came to pass, whensoever the stronger cattle did conceive, that Jacob laid the rods before the eyes of the cattle in the gutters, that they might conceive among the rods.
⁴²But when the cattle were feeble, he put them not in: so the feebler were Laban's, and the stronger Jacob's.
You gotta love this family is there no bounds to how low they will stoop.

I don't know the science of this but it sounds suspiciously like genetic manipulation one of the paps new deadly sins.
⁴³And the man increased exceedingly, and had much cattle, and maidservants, and menservants, and camels, and asses.

Genesis 27

Genesis 27

¹And it came to pass, that when Isaac was old, and his eyes were dim, so that he could not see, he called Esau his eldest son, and said unto him, My son: and he said unto him, Behold, here am I.
²And he said, Behold now, I am old, I know not the day of my death:
Like it's gonna be on a post it stuck to the fridge.
³Now therefore take, I pray thee, thy weapons, thy quiver and thy bow, and go out to the field, and take me some venison;
⁴And make me savoury meat, such as I love, and bring it to me, that I may eat; that my soul may bless thee before I die.
How typical of that family can't do anything nice without expecting some thing in return.
⁵And Rebekah heard when Isaac spake to Esau his son. And Esau went to the field to hunt for venison, and to bring it.
⁶And Rebekah spake unto Jacob her son, saying, Behold, I heard thy father speak unto Esau thy brother, saying,
Showing their relationship is closer than master /slave husand /wife almost like they were cousins, oh wait they are.
⁷Bring me venison, and make me savoury meat, that I may eat, and bless thee before the LORD before my death.
⁸Now therefore, my son, obey my voice according to that which I command thee.
⁹Go now to the flock, and fetch me from thence two good kids of the goats; and I will make them savoury meat for thy father, such as he loveth:
If I ever get old enough not to be able to tell venison from goat please somebody anybody FUCKIN' SHOOT ME!
¹⁰And thou shalt bring it to thy father, that he may eat, and that he may bless thee before his death.
¹¹And Jacob said to Rebekah his mother, Behold, Esau my brother is a hairy man, and I am a smooth man:
¹²My father peradventure will feel me, and I shall seem to him as a deceiver; and I shall bring a curse upon me, and not a blessing.
¹³And his mother said unto him, Upon me be thy curse, my son: only obey my voice, and go fetch me them.
¹⁴And he went, and fetched, and brought them to his mother: and his mother made savoury meat, such as his father loved.
¹⁵And Rebekah took goodly raiment of her eldest son Esau, which were with her in the house, and put them upon Jacob her younger son:
¹⁶And she put the skins of the kids of the goats upon his hands, and upon the smooth of his neck:
I know plenty of "hairy men" I have known a couple of people who are blind I have never known anyone who couldn't tell the difference between live people and dead goat, Then again I don't know anyone who couldn't tell goat from venison. Perhaps it's all that inbreeding.( Is "blind faith aggravated by Inbreeding it sure would explain alot.)
¹⁷And she gave the savoury meat and the bread, which she had prepared, into the hand of her son Jacob.
¹⁸And he came unto his father, and said, My father: and he said, Here am I; who art thou, my son?

And with all the honesty he has learned, guided by exemplary parenting .
¹⁹And Jacob said unto his father, I am Esau thy first born; I have done according as thou badest me: arise, I pray thee, sit and eat of my venison, that thy soul may bless me.
²⁰And Isaac said unto his son, How is it that thou hast found it so quickly, my son? And he said, Because the LORD thy God brought it to me.
And with all the trust Isaac learned from his father and passed on to his sons.
²¹And Isaac said unto Jacob, Come near, I pray thee, that I may feel thee, my son, whether thou be my very son Esau or not.
²²And Jacob went near unto Isaac his father; and he felt him, and said, The voice is Jacob's voice, but the hands are the hands of Esau.
²³And he discerned him not, because his hands were hairy, as his brother Esau's hands: so he blessed him.
²⁴And he said, Art thou my very son Esau? And he said, I am.
²⁵And he said, Bring it near to me, and I will eat of my son's venison, that my soul may bless thee. And he brought it near to him, and he did eat: and he brought him wine and he drank.
²⁶And his father Isaac said unto him, Come near now, and kiss me, my son.
No tongues!
²⁷And he came near, and kissed him: and he smelled the smell of his raiment, and blessed him, and said, See, the smell of my son is as the smell of a field which the LORD hath blessed:
²⁸Therefore God give thee of the dew of heaven, and the fatness of the earth, and plenty of corn and wine:
²⁹Let people serve thee, and nations bow down to thee: be lord over thy brethren, and let thy mother's sons bow down to thee: cursed be every one that curseth thee, and blessed be he that blesseth thee.
³⁰And it came to pass, as soon as Isaac had made an end of blessing Jacob, and Jacob was yet scarce gone out from the presence of Isaac his father, that Esau his brother came in from his hunting.
³¹And he also had made savoury meat, and brought it unto his father, and said unto his father, Let my father arise, and eat of his son's venison, that thy soul may bless me.
³²And Isaac his father said unto him, Who art thou? And he said, I am thy son, thy firstborn Esau.
³³And Isaac trembled very exceedingly, and said, Who? where is he that hath taken venison, and brought it me, and I have eaten of all before thou camest, and have blessed him? yea, and he shall be blessed.
³⁴And when Esau heard the words of his father, he cried with a great and exceeding bitter cry, and said unto his father, Bless me, even me also, O my father.
³⁵And he said, Thy brother came with subtilty, and hath taken away thy blessing.
And he said those immortal words reiterated by Mr. Creosote in Mony Python's Meaning of Life
Fuck off I'm Full!
³⁶And he said, Is not he rightly named Jacob? for he hath supplanted me these two times: he took away my birthright; and, behold, now he hath taken away my blessing. And he said, Hast thou not reserved a blessing for me?
³⁷And Isaac answered and said unto Esau, Behold, I have made him thy lord, and all his brethren have I given to him for servants; and with corn and wine have I sustained him: and what shall I do now unto thee, my son?
Well he could have called Jacob back and told him he was a thieving little shit and for pulling the wool over his father's eyes he would get fuck all, as it was for the elder brother,but Oh no !
³⁸And Esau said unto his father, Hast thou but one blessing, my father? bless me, even me also, O my father. And Esau lifted up his voice, and wept.
³⁹And Isaac his father answered and said unto him, Behold, thy dwelling shall be the fatness of the earth, and of the dew of heaven from above;
⁴⁰And by thy sword shalt thou live, and shalt serve thy brother; and it shall come to pass when thou shalt have the dominion, that thou shalt break his yoke from off thy neck.
Here again the standard of justice set by god in the garden of eden which ultimately caused the death of Able by his brothers hand.

⁴¹And Esau hated Jacob because of the blessing wherewith his father blessed him: and Esau said in his heart, The days of mourning for my father are at hand; then will I slay my brother Jacob.
An understandable reaction given the circumstances, a bit extreme over a couple of words but people to this day believe political promises.
⁴²And these words of Esau her elder son were told to Rebekah: and she sent and called Jacob her younger son, and said unto him, Behold, thy brother Esau, as touching thee, doth comfort himself, purposing to kill thee.
That's showing more of an inclination toward omniscience than that dipshit diety of theirs.
⁴³Now therefore, my son, obey my voice; arise, flee thou to Laban my brother to Haran;
Another Python quote.
"Run Away....."
⁴⁴And tarry with him a few days, until thy brother's fury turn away;
⁴⁵Until thy brother's anger turn away from thee, and he forget that which thou hast done to him: then I will send, and fetch thee from thence: why should I be deprived also of you both in one day?

Do you think Esau is going to forget,here's a hint
Master/Servant
Servant/Master

⁴⁶And Rebekah said to Isaac, I am weary of my life because of the daughters of Heth: if Jacob take a wife of the daughters of Heth, such as these which are of the daughters of the land, what good shall my life do me?
Should have thought of that before selling out Esau If he was the boss he could have fucked Jacob off back to the family to get a cousin or two to vent his lustful desires on.