2 Samuel 12

1. And the LORD sent Nathan unto David. And he came unto him, and said unto him, There were two men in one city; the one rich, and the other poor.

2The rich man had exceeding many flocks and herds: 

3 But the poor man had nothing, save one little ewe lamb, which he had bought and nourished up: and it grew up together with him, and with his children; it did eat of his own meat, and drank of his own cup, and lay in his bosom, and was unto him as a daughter.

Wow a carnivourous lamb, for a book that apparently denies evolution it sure does list alot of evolutionary failures(four legged birds and insects, talking snakes and now a meat eating ruminant)

I also worry about him treating it as his daughter, with the incestuous history of some patriarchs I wonder whether David is actually Daffydd?

 

4 And there came a traveler unto the rich man, and he spared to take of his own flock and of his own herd, to dress for the wayfaring man that was come unto him; but took the poor man's lamb, and dressed it for the man that was come to him.

5 And David's anger was greatly kindled against the man; and he said to Nathan, As the LORD liveth, the man that hath done this thing shall surely die:

6 And he shall restore the lamb fourfold, because he did this thing, and because he had no pity.

Fuck me! Some one actually using the laws of moses to punish a crime. Exodus 22:1 " If a man shall steal an ox, or a sheep, and kill it, or sell it; he shall restore five oxen for an ox, and four sheep for a sheep."

Here endeth the irrelevent filler.
And resume the story.
 

7 And Nathan said to David, Thou art the man. Thus saith the LORD God of Israel, I anointed thee king over Israel, and I delivered thee out of the hand of Saul; 

8 And I gave thee thy master's house, and thy master's wives into thy bosom, and gave thee the house of Israel and of Judah; and if that had been too little, I would moreover have given unto thee such and such things. 

9 Wherefore hast thou despised the commandment of the LORD, to do evil in his sight? thou hast killed Uriah the Hittite with the sword, and hast taken his wife to be thy wife, and hast slain him with the sword of the children of Ammon.

What a suprise, delard didn't see it coming, and did nothing to prevent it. It's almost as though he wasn't really there.
 

10 Now therefore the sword shall never depart from thine house; because thou hast despised me, and hast taken the wife of Uriah the Hittite to be thy wife. 

11 Thus saith the LORD, Behold, I will raise up evil against thee out of thine own house, and I will take thy wives before thine eyes, and give them unto thy neighbor, and he shall lie with thy wives in the sight of this sun.

12 For thou didst it secretly: but I will do this thing before all Israel, and before the sun. 

13 And David said unto Nathan, I have sinned against the LORD. And Nathan said unto David, The LORD also hath put away thy sin; thou shalt not die. 

14 Howbeit, because by this deed thou hast given great occasion to the enemies of the LORD to blaspheme, the child also that is born unto thee shall surely die. 

15 And Nathan departed unto his house. And the LORD struck the child that Uriah's wife bare unto David, and it was very sick.

So for Davids crime. The widow of Uriah, now married to David suffers a sickly, no doubt soon to be dead child. So who is the one getting punished here?
 

16 David therefore besought God for the child; and David fasted, and went in, and lay all night upon the earth.

17 And the elders of his house arose, and went to him, to raise him up from the earth: but he would not, neither did he eat bread with them.
Because that will really make up for breaking how many of delards big 10 commandments ?

18 And it came to pass on the seventh day, that the child died. And the servants of David feared to tell him that the child was dead: for they said, Behold, while the child was yet alive, we spake unto him, and he would not hearken unto our voice: how will he then vex himself, if we tell him that the child is dead?

19 But when David saw that his servants whispered, David perceived that the child was dead: therefore David said unto his servants, Is the child dead? And they said, He is dead. 

20 Then David arose from the earth, and washed, and anointed himself, and changed his apparel, and came into the house of the LORD, and worshipped: then he came to his own house; and when he required, they set bread before him, and he did eat.

21 Then said his servants unto him, What thing is this that thou hast done? thou didst fast and weep for the child, while it was alive; but when the child was dead, thou didst rise and eat bread. 

22 And he said, While the child was yet alive, I fasted and wept: for I said, Who can tell whether GOD will be gracious to me, that the child may live?

23 But now he is dead, wherefore should I fast? can I bring him back again? I shall go to him, but he shall not return to me. 

24 And David comforted Bathsheba his wife, and went in unto her, and lay with her: and she bare a son, and he called his name Solomon: and the LORD loved him.

"comforted"? by giveing her a good fucking. That somehow seems wrong, but what do I know?
 

25 And he sent by the hand of Nathan the prophet; and he called his name Jedidiah, because of the LORD. 

26 And Joab fought against Rabbah of the children of Ammon, and took the royal city. 

27 And Joab sent messengers to David, and said, I have fought against Rabbah, and have taken the city of waters. 

28 Now therefore gather the rest of the people together, and encamp against the city, and take it: lest I take the city, and it be called after my name. 

29 And David gathered all the people together, and went to Rabbah, and fought against it, and took it.
 30 And he took their king's crown from off his head, the weight whereof was a talent of gold with the precious stones: and it was set on David's head. And he brought forth the spoil of the city in great abundance.

Religion what's it all about?

31 And he brought forth the people that were therein, and put them under saws, and under harrows of iron, and under axes of iron, and made them pass through the brick-kiln: and thus did he unto all the cities of the children of Ammon. So David and all the people returned unto Jerusalem.

This last verse, wow can you feel the love. Or does the the pain of being butchered and burned obscure it?
Do you think delard enjoyed the smell of burning flesh? Perhaps that's why he has a downer on pork. one sniff of bacon and instant priapus. 

1 Samuel 15

¹Samuel also said unto Saul, The LORD sent me to anoint thee to be king over his people, over Israel: now therefore hearken thou unto the voice of the words of the LORD.

²Thus saith the LORD of hosts, I remember that which Amalek did to Israel, how he laid wait for him in the way, when he came up from Egypt.

So de lard remembers something that happened a few hundred years before.

³Now go and smite Amalek, and utterly destroy all that they have, and spare them not; but slay both man and woman, infant and suckling, ox and sheep, camel and ass.

Even cute wittle puddie tats

But he seems to have forgotten the bits about not killing and being charitable to strangers..... Alzheimer's is a bitch

⁴And Saul gathered the people together, and numbered them in Telaim, two hundred thousand footmen, and ten thousand men of Judah.

Today's Israeli army numbers 187,000 So where did all these people come from?

⁵And Saul came to a city of Amalek, and laid wait in the valley.

⁶And Saul said unto the Kenites, Go, depart, get you down from among the Amalekites, lest I destroy you with them: for ye shewed kindness to all the children of Israel, when they came up out of Egypt. So the Kenites departed from among the Amalekites.

⁷And Saul smote the Amalekites from Havilah until thou comest to Shur, that is over against Egypt.

⁸And he took Agag the king of the Amalekites alive, and utterly destroyed all the people with the edge of the sword.

⁹But Saul and the people spared Agag, and the best of the sheep, and of the oxen, and of the fatlings, and the lambs, and all that was good, and would not utterly destroy them: but every thing that was vile and refuse, that they destroyed utterly.

But but de lard said kill everymuthafuckinthing.

¹⁰Then came the word of the LORD unto Samuel, saying,

¹¹It repenteth me that I have set up Saul to be king: for he is turned back from following me, and hath not performed my commandments. And it grieved Samuel; and he cried unto the LORD all night.

^{What!? Have I read that right? de lard repented.....Repented....... REPENTED}

¹²And when Samuel rose early to meet Saul in the morning, it was told Samuel, saying, Saul came to Carmel, and, behold, he set him up a place, and is gone about, and passed on, and gone down to Gilgal.

¹³And Samuel came to Saul: and Saul said unto him, Blessed be thou of the LORD: I have performed the commandment of the LORD.

¹⁴And Samuel said, What meaneth then this bleating of the sheep in mine ears, and the lowing of the oxen which I hear?

¹⁵And Saul said, They have brought them from the Amalekites: for the people spared the best of the sheep and of the oxen, to sacrifice unto the LORD thy God; and the rest we have utterly destroyed.

¹⁷And Samuel said, When thou wast little in thine own sight, wast thou not made the head of the tribes of Israel, and the LORD anointed thee king over Israel?

¹⁸And the LORD sent thee on a journey, and said, Go and utterly destroy the sinners the Amalekites, and fight against them until they be consumed.

¹⁹Wherefore then didst thou not obey the voice of the LORD, but didst fly upon the spoil, and didst evil in the sight of the LORD?

²⁰And Saul said unto Samuel, Yea, I have obeyed the voice of the LORD, and have gone the way which the LORD sent me, and have brought Agag the king of Amalek, and have utterly destroyed the Amalekites.

²¹But the people took of the spoil, sheep and oxen, the chief of the things which should have been utterly destroyed, to sacrifice unto the LORD thy God in Gilgal.

²²And Samuel said, Hath the LORD as great delight in burnt offerings and sacrifices, as in obeying the voice of the LORD? Behold, to obey is better than sacrifice, and to hearken than the fat of rams.

²³For rebellion is as the sin of witchcraft, and stubbornness is as iniquity and idolatry. Because thou hast rejected the word of the LORD, he hath also rejected thee from being king.

Young's literal has this

^{23for a sin of divination [is] rebellion, and iniquity and teraphim [is] stubbornness; because thou hast rejected the word of Jehovah, He also doth reject thee from [being] king.'}

^{The word witch always bothers me. I am convinced it meant wise and the Young's translation shows de lard didn't like Saul thinking for himself. This verse must be the most important verse in the bible to many modern branches of christianity.}

^{Thou shalt not think !}

So why did he give us such a big brain?

²⁴And Saul said unto Samuel, I have sinned: for I have transgressed the commandment of the LORD, and thy words: because I feared the people, and obeyed their voice.

²⁵Now therefore, I pray thee, pardon my sin, and turn again with me, that I may worship the LORD.

²⁶And Samuel said unto Saul, I will not return with thee: for thou hast rejected the word of the LORD, and the LORD hath rejected thee from being king over Israel.

²⁷And as Samuel turned about to go away, he laid hold upon the skirt of his mantle, and it rent.

²⁸And Samuel said unto him, The LORD hath rent the kingdom of Israel from thee this day, and hath given it to a neighbour of thine, that is better than thou.

²⁹And also the Strength of Israel will not lie nor repent: for he is not a man, that he should repent.

On the strength of that line alone. if the "strength of Israel" is de lard then if he has not repented then he is a liar. Or Sam is committing the same "sin" that Saul seems to have committed, either not listening to de lard or deciding he meant something different.

I am wondering whether there is a lover's tiff at the root of all this.

³⁰Then he said, I have sinned: yet honour me now, I pray thee, before the elders of my people, and before Israel, and turn again with me, that I may worship the LORD thy God.

³¹So Samuel turned again after Saul; and Saul worshipped the LORD.

Is this them kissing and making up? Is the tent gonna be rockin' tonight?

³²Then said Samuel, Bring ye hither to me Agag the king of the Amalekites. And Agag came unto him delicately. And Agag said, Surely the bitterness of death is past.

³³And Samuel said, As thy sword hath made women childless, so shall thy mother be childless among women. And Samuel hewed Agag in pieces before the LORD in Gilgal.

Ah! Now I see. Samuel is too old, he is as impotent as his god.

³⁴Then Samuel went to Ramah; and Saul went up to his house to Gibeah of Saul.

³⁵And Samuel came no more to see Saul until the day of his death: nevertheless Samuel mourned for Saul: and the LORD repented that he had made Saul king over Israel.

Mr absolutely fucking perfect has admitted he was wrong, and, get this actually feels sorrow!!!

But the bible is the inherent word of god, and de lard is infallible. Hahahahaha.

Christians and Islamists both are constantly professing that their deity knows all, sees all and does not make mistakes. Yet the bible and the koran both state time and again that de lard knows next to fuck all about everything, sees little and fucks up big time, all the time.

1 Samuel 8

¹And it came to pass, when Samuel was old, that he made his sons judges over Israel.

I suspect the words "And it came to pass" actually mean the following is bullshit.

²Now the name of his firstborn was Joel; and the name of his second, Abiah: they were judges in Beersheba.

³And his sons walked not in his ways, but turned aside after lucre, and took bribes, and perverted judgment.

There are more than a few like that nowadays

⁴Then all the elders of Israel gathered themselves together, and came to Samuel unto Ramah,

⁵And said unto him, Behold, thou art old, and thy sons walk not in thy ways: now make us a king to judge us like all the nations.

⁶But the thing displeased Samuel, when they said, Give us a king to judge us. And Samuel prayed unto the LORD.

⁷And the LORD said unto Samuel, Hearken unto the voice of the people in all that they say unto thee: for they have not rejected thee, but they have rejected me, that I should not reign over them.

Have I got this right.

Sam, invoking his right of nepotism gives his sons the best jobs he can and they prove to be corrupt. The people complain to him and he asks de lard for his take on the matter. De lard decides that it is all about him.

Now if that scenario doesn't convince anyone that even if the hateful bastard did exist then he is as batshit crazy as it's possible to be, and then some.

Or I think more realistically it's Sam's way of saying "Fuck off and leave me alone, I'm an old man you know"

⁸According to all the works which they have done since the day that I brought them up out of Egypt even unto this day, wherewith they have forsaken me, and served other gods, so do they also unto thee.

⁹Now therefore hearken unto their voice: howbeit yet protest solemnly unto them, and shew them the manner of the king that shall reign over them.

So it is all the fault of the people but Sam must listen to them ?

¹⁰And Samuel told all the words of the LORD unto the people that asked of him a king.

¹¹And he said, This will be the manner of the king that shall reign over you: He will take your sons, and appoint them for himself, for his chariots, and to be his horsemen; and some shall run before his chariots.

¹²And he will appoint him captains over thousands, and captains over fifties; and will set them to ear his ground, and to reap his harvest, and to make his instruments of war, and instruments of his chariots.

¹³And he will take your daughters to be confectionaries, and to be cooks, and to be bakers.

Note. not confectioners, How sweet.

¹⁴And he will take your fields, and your vineyards, and your oliveyards, even the best of them, and give them to his servants.

¹⁵And he will take the tenth of your seed, and of your vineyards, and give to his officers, and to his servants.

¹⁶And he will take your menservants, and your maidservants, and your goodliest young men, and your asses, and put them to his work.

¹⁷He will take the tenth of your sheep: and ye shall be his servants.

¹⁸And ye shall cry out in that day because of your king which ye shall have chosen you; and the LORD will not hear you in that day.

¹⁹Nevertheless the people refused to obey the voice of Samuel; and they said, Nay; but we will have a king over us;

²⁰That we also may be like all the nations; and that our king may judge us, and go out before us, and fight our battles.

Is this democracy trying to raise it's head, a choice to make an inherently corrupt priesthood with corrupt judges or a designated "King" as all south park watchers will know The choice is always between a giant douche-bag and a Turd sandwich

²¹And Samuel heard all the words of the people, and he rehearsed them in the ears of the LORD.

Is that because the all knowing .all seeing one managed to miss a major event in the social development of his chosen people?

²²And the LORD said to Samuel, Hearken unto their voice, and make them a king. And Samuel said unto the men of Israel, Go ye every man unto his city.

Joshua 22

¹Then Joshua called the Reubenites, and the Gadites, and the half tribe of Manasseh,

Perhaps it's only half a pile of bullshit ?

²And said unto them, Ye have kept all that Moses the servant of the LORD commanded you, and have obeyed my voice in all that I commanded you:

³Ye have not left your brethren these many days unto this day, but have kept the charge of the commandment of the LORD your God.

Thatof course, is the lesser knon commandments of de lard, the commandments that say, Thou SHALT kill,maim,rape,destroy,covet,steal etc. Not the more well publicised ones that said Thou shalt NOT kill, covert,steal etc.

⁴And now the LORD your God hath given rest unto your brethren, as he promised them: therefore now return ye, and get you unto your tents, and unto the land of your possession, which Moses the servant of the LORD gave you on the other side Jordan.

Because de lard in his infinite wisdom and all powerfulness couldn't just have created extra land with ready built cities. He emphasised his love of mankind by making you steal it from the previous owners, incidentally relieving them of their lives and freedom as well as their possessions.

⁵But take diligent heed to do the commandment and the law, which Moses the servant of the LORD charged you, to love the LORD your God, and to walk in all his ways, and to keep his commandments, and to cleave unto him, and to serve him with all your heart and with all your soul.

Correct me if I am wrong. But, wasn't the last reported sighting of de lard with Moses on the mount ? So why are not all priest's not walking around with their arse hanging out ?After all many seem to live up to some of his other attributes....selfish,stubborn,stupid and perverse to name but a few.

⁶So Joshua blessed them, and sent them away: and they went unto their tents.

⁷Now to the one half of the tribe of Manasseh Moses had given possession in Bashan: but unto the other half thereof gave Joshua among their brethren on this side Jordan westward. And when Joshua sent them away also unto their tents, then he blessed them,

What ?

Now, this half of the tribe of Manasseh is this the whole half or half of the half ?Now after reading the next sentance it is half of the half tribe does this not make it a quarter ?

⁸And he spake unto them, saying, Return with much riches unto your tents, and with very much cattle, with silver, and with gold, and with brass, and with iron, and with very much raiment: divide the spoil of your enemies with your brethren.

⁹And the children of Reuben and the children of Gad and the half tribe of Manasseh returned, and departed from the children of Israel out of Shiloh, which is in the land of Canaan, to go unto the country of Gilead, to the land of their possession, whereof they were possessed, according to the word of the LORD by the hand of Moses.

¹⁰And when they came unto the borders of Jordan, that are in the land of Canaan, the children of Reuben and the children of Gad and the half tribe of Manasseh built there an altar by Jordan, a great altar to see to.

So this great alter Josh had built it is a major tourist attraction......?

Oh no .. that's right, one of de lards lesser known miracles Josh built it out of

Snow

¹¹And the children of Israel heard say, Behold, the children of Reuben and the children of Gad and the half tribe of Manasseh have built an altar over against the land of Canaan, in the borders of Jordan, at the passage of the children of Israel.

¹²And when the children of Israel heard of it, the whole congregation of the children of Israel gathered themselves together at Shiloh, to go up to war against them.

Have I missed something ?

Surely someone,somewhere has fucked this tale up.

Let me get this straight.

The tribes of Gad,Rueben and Manassah are heading home and decide to erect an altar. Something that seems to be a cultural thing from at least the time of Abraham. Yet the other tribes have got their knickers in a knot over it.

I think these cunts just like killing now they have massacred all the natives they just want to pick a fight with anyone.

¹³And the children of Israel sent unto the children of Reuben, and to the children of Gad, and to the half tribe of Manasseh, into the land of Gilead, Phinehas the son of Eleazar the priest,

¹⁴And with him ten princes, of each chief house a prince throughout all the tribes of Israel; and each one was an head of the house of their fathers among the thousands of Israel.

¹⁵And they came unto the children of Reuben, and to the children of Gad, and to the half tribe of Manasseh, unto the land of Gilead, and they spake with them, saying,

¹⁶Thus saith the whole congregation of the LORD, What trespass is this that ye have committed against the God of Israel, to turn away this day from following the LORD, in that ye have builded you an altar, that ye might rebel this day against the LORD?

¹⁷Is the iniquity of Peor too little for us, from which we are not cleansed until this day, although there was a plague in the congregation of the LORD,

¹⁸But that ye must turn away this day from following the LORD? and it will be, seeing ye rebel to day against the LORD, that to morrow he will be wroth with the whole congregation of Israel.

¹⁹Notwithstanding, if the land of your possession be unclean, then pass ye over unto the land of the possession of the LORD, wherein the LORD's tabernacle dwelleth, and take possession among us: but rebel not against the LORD, nor rebel against us, in building you an altar beside the altar of the LORD our God.

I am confused, There is nothing saying the new altar is dedicated to any god other than de lard. Yet the other Israelites are seriously pissed. Why is this new altar bigger.more beautifully cared ? Is it aligned incorrectly ? I think I shall stick with blood-lust and madness as reasons.

²⁰Did not Achan the son of Zerah commit a trespass in the accursed thing, and wrath fell on all the congregation of Israel? and that man perished not alone in his iniquity.

²¹Then the children of Reuben and the children of Gad and the half tribe of Manasseh answered, and said unto the heads of the thousands of Israel,

²²The LORD God of gods, the LORD God of gods, he knoweth, and Israel he shall know; if it be in rebellion, or if in transgression against the LORD, (save us not this day,)

Yet another admission there are other gods, but when did that poxy weasel of a god get promoted to god of gods ?

²³That we have built us an altar to turn from following the LORD, or if to offer thereon burnt offering or meat offering, or if to offer peace offerings thereon, let the LORD himself require it;

²⁴And if we have not rather done it for fear of this thing, saying, In time to come your children might speak unto our children, saying, What have ye to do with the LORD God of Israel?

²⁵For the LORD hath made Jordan a border between us and you, ye children of Reuben and children of Gad; ye have no part in the LORD: so shall your children make our children cease from fearing the LORD.

²⁶Therefore we said, Let us now prepare to build us an altar, not for burnt offering, nor for sacrifice:

²⁷But that it may be a witness between us, and you, and our generations after us, that we might do the service of the LORD before him with our burnt offerings, and with our sacrifices, and with our peace offerings; that your children may not say to our children in time to come, Ye have no part in the LORD.

Because nothing seals a deal like the ritual slaughter of innocent flesh.

²⁸Therefore said we, that it shall be, when they should so say to us or to our generations in time to come, that we may say again, Behold the pattern of the altar of the LORD, which our fathers made, not for burnt offerings, nor for sacrifices; but it is a witness between us and you.

²⁹God forbid that we should rebel against the LORD, and turn this day from following the LORD, to build an altar for burnt offerings, for meat offerings, or for sacrifices, beside the altar of the LORD our God that is before his tabernacle.

³⁰And when Phinehas the priest, and the princes of the congregation and heads of the thousands of Israel which were with him, heard the words that the children of Reuben and the children of Gad and the children of Manasseh spake, it pleased them.

³¹And Phinehas the son of Eleazar the priest said unto the children of Reuben, and to the children of Gad, and to the children of Manasseh, This day we perceive that the LORD is among us, because ye have not committed this trespass against the LORD: now ye have delivered the children of Israel out of the hand of the LORD.

³²And Phinehas the son of Eleazar the priest, and the princes, returned from the children of Reuben, and from the children of Gad, out of the land of Gilead, unto the land of Canaan, to the children of Israel, and brought them word again.

³³And the thing pleased the children of Israel; and the children of Israel blessed God, and did not intend to go up against them in battle, to destroy the land wherein the children of Reuben and Gad dwelt.

³⁴And the children of Reuben and the children of Gad called the altar Ed: for it shall be a witness between us that the LORD is God.