Deuteronomy 20

20:1 When you go to war against your enemies and see chariotry and troops who outnumber you, do not be afraid of them, for the Lord your God, who brought you up out of the land of Egypt, is with you.

20:2 As you move forward for battle, the priest will approach and say to the soldiers,

I am reminded of the scene from the original 1953 War of the Worlds, where Father Mathew Collins(played by Lewis Martin) Marches out, bible in hand praying towards the advancing aliens.


With the inevitable result



20:3 “Listen, Israel! Today you are moving forward to do battle with your enemies. Do not be fainthearted. Do not fear and tremble or be terrified because of them,

20:4 for the Lord your God goes with you to fight on your behalf against your enemies to give you victory.”

Just think if the catholics went into war nowadays their opponents could be faced with this or something similar

Frightening thought isn't it

20:5 Moreover, the officers are to say to the troops, “Who among you has built a new house and not dedicated it? He may go home, lest he die in battle and someone else dedicate it.

20:6 Or who among you has planted a vineyard and not benefited from it? He may go home, lest he die in battle and someone else benefit from it.

20:7 Or who among you has become engaged to a woman but has not married her? He may go home, lest he die in battle and someone else marry her.”

20:8 In addition, the officers are to say to the troops, “Who among you is afraid and fainthearted? He may go home so that he will not make his fellow soldier’s heart as fearful as his own.”

So cowardice is OK, but surely this would imply lack of faith in de lard.

20:9 Then, when the officers have finished speaking, they must appoint unit commanders to lead the troops.

20:10 When you approach a city to wage war against it, offer it terms of peace.

20:11 If it accepts your terms and submits to you, all the people found in it will become your slaves.

Offer terms of peace ???.....Become our slaves or die.

20:12 If it does not accept terms of peace but makes war with you, then you are to lay siege to it.

20:13 The Lord your God will deliver it over to you and you must kill every single male by the sword.

20:14 However, the women, little children, cattle, and anything else in the city – all its plunder – you may take for yourselves as spoil. You may take from your enemies the plunder that the Lord your God has given you.
There you have it women and children are equal...........Equal to cattle that is.
So as far as the bible believing christians are concerned its Ok to call your wife a fat cow.
But all in all that's another verse the twats shouting Lev 18:22 never mention.

20:15 This is how you are to deal with all those cities located far from you, those that do not belong to these nearby nations.

20:16 As for the cities of these peoples that the Lord your God is going to give you as an inheritance, you must not allow a single living thing to survive.

So it's true, every time you kill a kitten god masturbates

20:17 Instead you must utterly annihilate them – the Hittites, Amorites, Canaanites, Perizzites, Hivites, and Jebusites – just as the Lord your God has commanded you,

So how does offering terms of peace work here .....Open your gates and accept the kiss of death from your ever lovin' lard.


20:18 so that they cannot teach you all the abhorrent ways they worship their gods, causing you to sin against the Lord your God.

20:19 If you besiege a city for a long time while attempting to capture it, you must not chop down its trees, for you may eat fruit from them and should not cut them down. A tree in the field is not human that you should besiege it!

20:20 However, you may chop down any tree you know is not suitable for food, and you may use it to build siege works against the city that is making war with you until that city falls.

Now that has to be the earliest example of fundie logic ever....... to paraphrase "against the city that is trying to protect its citizens from murder and/or enslavement from the rampaging hoardes of the god of peace and love."

Deuteronomy 7

¹When the LORD thy God shall bring thee into the land whither thou goest to possess it, and hath cast out many nations before thee, the Hittites, and the Girgashites, and the Amorites, and the Canaanites, and the Perizzites, and the Hivites, and the Jebusites, seven nations greater and mightier than thou;

²And when the LORD thy God shall deliver them before thee; thou shalt smite them, and utterly destroy them; thou shalt make no covenant with them, nor shew mercy unto them:

³Neither shalt thou make marriages with them; thy daughter thou shalt not give unto his son, nor his daughter shalt thou take unto thy son.

Hang on was not Mrs Moses no.1 a Midianite and Mrs Moses no.2 Ethiopian ?

Why is it Ok for Moses to fuck outside his ethnicity and no one else.

⁴For they will turn away thy son from following me, that they may serve other gods: so will the anger of the LORD be kindled against you, and destroy thee suddenly.

Well as soon as Moses and his crew can get to you anyway.

⁵But thus shall ye deal with them; ye shall destroy their altars, and break down their images, and cut down their groves, and burn their graven images with fire.

⁶For thou art an holy people unto the LORD thy God: the LORD thy God hath chosen thee to be a special people unto himself, above all people that are upon the face of the earth.

⁷The LORD did not set his love upon you, nor choose you, because ye were more in number than any people; for ye were the fewest of all people:

How very democratic of him.

You know the more I read about this so called god the less I believe he is worthy of worship. Invite him into my heart ......I wouldn't even want him in the same universe.

⁸But because the LORD loved you, and because he would keep the oath which he had sworn unto your fathers, hath the LORD brought you out with a mighty hand, and redeemed you out of the house of bondmen, from the hand of Pharaoh king of Egypt.

⁹Know therefore that the LORD thy God, he is God, the faithful God, which keepeth covenant and mercy with them that love him and keep his commandments to a thousand generations;

Arn't we talking about the god who managed to almost drown the contents of the Ark because he forgot about Noah, the god who managed to forget his promise to Abaraham for 400 years,the god that has apparently chosen a small segment ofthe alleged descendants of Noah and his family and turned his back on the rest, the god that encourages behaviour that us mere mortals are trying to put behind us as we strive for true civilization.

¹⁰And repayeth them that hate him to their face, to destroy them: he will not be slack to him that hateth him, he will repay him to his face.

And he calls himself our Father ?

¹¹Thou shalt therefore keep the commandments, and the statutes, and the judgments, which I command thee this day, to do them.

Because obeying his laws is much better than being nice to your fellow man

¹²Wherefore it shall come to pass, if ye hearken to these judgments, and keep, and do them, that the LORD thy God shall keep unto thee the covenant and the mercy which he sware unto thy fathers:

1,000 generations he said , well modern Israel must have exceeded that so now thy are in the same boat as the rest of us. That means all these religious kooks are as fucked as the rest of us.

¹³And he will love thee, and bless thee, and multiply thee: he will also bless the fruit of thy womb, and the fruit of thy land, thy corn, and thy wine, and thine oil, the increase of thy kine, and the flocks of thy sheep, in the land which he sware unto thy fathers to give thee.

If this were true surely the Israelites and their descendant would be living peacefully and would own the world a sort of Jewtopia.

¹⁴Thou shalt be blessed above all people: there shall not be male or female barren among you, or among your cattle.

No ! don't believe a word.

¹⁵And the LORD will take away from thee all sickness, and will put none of the evil diseases of Egypt, which thou knowest, upon thee; but will lay them upon all them that hate thee.

Take away all sickness. Fuck me these are some of the sickest bastards I have ever read about. and they encourage children to read this shit.

¹⁶And thou shalt consume all the people which the LORD thy God shall deliver thee; thine eye shall have no pity upon them: neither shalt thou serve their gods; for that will be a snare unto thee.

Yup ! That is definitely sick.

¹⁷If thou shalt say in thine heart, These nations are more than I; how can I dispossess them?

¹⁸Thou shalt not be afraid of them: but shalt well remember what the LORD thy God did unto Pharaoh, and unto all Egypt;

Take the credit for natural disasters.

¹⁹The great temptations which thine eyes saw, and the signs, and the wonders, and the mighty hand, and the stretched out arm, whereby the LORD thy God brought thee out: so shall the LORD thy God do unto all the people of whom thou art afraid.

²⁰Moreover the LORD thy God will send the hornet among them, until they that are left, and hide themselves from thee, be destroyed.

²¹Thou shalt not be affrighted at them: for the LORD thy God is among you, a mighty God and terrible.

He might be terrible but his only might is the ignorence and sheer bloody mindedness of his followers.

²²And the LORD thy God will put out those nations before thee by little and little: thou mayest not consume them at once, lest the beasts of the field increase upon thee.

²³But the LORD thy God shall deliver them unto thee, and shall destroy them with a mighty destruction, until they be destroyed.

²⁴And he shall deliver their kings into thine hand, and thou shalt destroy their name from under heaven: there shall no man be able to stand before thee, until thou have destroyed them.

²⁵The graven images of their gods shall ye burn with fire: thou shalt not desire the silver or gold that is on them, nor take it unto thee, lest thou be snared therin: for it is an abomination to the LORD thy God.

I'll bet this is another commandment that somehow gets adjusted.

²⁶Neither shalt thou bring an abomination into thine house, lest thou be a cursed thing like it: but thou shalt utterly detest it, and thou shalt utterly abhor it; for it is a cursed thing.

What is an abomination save the believe that you can commit evil acts to please your imaginary freind.

Numbers Recap

Well what a palaver.

First as suggested by the title we have literally the numbers of men in the tribes. This is followed by the order of the tribal tents or the hierarchy of the owners of these tents. As said earlier the tribe of the Levites as priests were allocated the top of the food chain. Then the hierarchy of the Levites is described.
Then we move on to great offerings from the twelve tribes chiefs given by the princes of these tribes. This involves some precious things and of course, a lot of sacrifices to de lard.
This has apparently turned the meandering muppets into an army which allegedly are then led by de lard.

It is then dropped in that Moses had married an Ethiopian woman.[ Is this a possible inference that Moses is also a title and this is not the same Moses that led the people from Egypt,further hints that this is a new improved Moses, is that although still psychopathic, does seem to be more level headed]
This inadvertently leads to Aaron and Miriam,(a variant of Mary) coming forward with a few complaints about this other wife.Which for some reason leads to Miriam being apparently struck with leprosy by de lard. Moses then intervenes and she is apparently cured but ejected for a week.

De lard then tells Moses to send out spies to gather information of the surrounding nations. (why couldn't he just give him the info himself ? After all if anyone could know it should be de lard.) Obviously having been brought up with high moral values and strength of character being SO much closer to de lard than the rest of us mortals, lied through their back teeth.

A chap called Korah a grandson of Levi then leads a minor rebellion( some 250 men)Moses utilising all his man management promptly makes arrangements for them and their families(except Korah's for some reason) and anyone who may have the slightest possibility of agreeing with them gassed struck down by de ever lovin' lard with a localised plague.(14,700)
After making sure to dispose of the evidence, Moses then makes the Israelites take special precautions in the disposal of the bodies.

We then see either a repeat of the incident with the water from Edom or as I suspect a mistake made at some point between the possible events and the final edition of this book. Whether a mistake in the Oral tradition or two different scrolls being merged. Either way instead of the battle almost immediately in the first version, the Israelites now go forward on a mission to conquer......Oh wait that may be the same!!!Before they go to "war". Aaron and his son Eleazer are taken up to mount Hor, Eleazer puts on Aarons clothes and, presto ! Aaron is dead. This has a profound effect on de lard, as he stops announcing himself with the prefix..."I am de lard your gawd" every time he speaks to Moses.
In the name of the all merciful lard the Israelites capture some Amorite cities, killing all but virgin girls. Some of these survivors are offered as a "heave offering to de lard" ????.......Can you feel the love and mercy ?

We are introduced to a character Balak king of Moab, son of Zippor.[Any relation to Zipporah, daughter of Jethro,the midianite priest,Moses father in law ]who sends for Balaam to mediate between him and the invaders. Balaam, A man who beats his donkey and manages to fall off and hit his head in such a way that he gives himself Auditory Hallucinations. Believing god has reprimaded him (cos god loves animals) he then, with perfect Old Testament logic sacrifices 7 rams and 7 oxen to de lard. He reports to Balak with his hallucination.
Resistance is futile, the ravening hordes of Israel sweep across Canaan with a finesse not matched until Genghis Khan.




The last few chapters are mostly devoted to the splitting up of the lands,cities,gold, cattle and women.

Conclusion
Aside from yet again underlining de lards impotence, stupidity senility and blindness it just opens more questions.
Was there more than one Moses ?
Why, if the Israelites, who allegedly had seen all this evidence of gods so called power, were there so many dissidents.
Why if these incidents ,especially the conquest of Canaan are not recorded in any of the surrounding lands.
Or are the Israelites actually the "mysterious sea people" recorded in the some of the Amarna letters ?
Why is Moses thought of as good man when historically there are few that have been responsible(in their lifetime) for greater numbers of attrocities and murders of his fellow human beings ?

Numbers 21

¹And when king Arad the Canaanite, which dwelt in the south, heard tell that Israel came by the way of the spies; then he fought against Israel, and took some of them prisoners.

Makes you wonder why they weren't wanted. was it the reputation of Moses or his god. Not that it really matters they are both cunts.

²And Israel vowed a vow unto the LORD, and said, If thou wilt indeed deliver this people into my hand, then I will utterly destroy their cities.

Still trying there then.

³And the LORD hearkened to the voice of Israel, and delivered up the Canaanites; and they utterly destroyed them and their cities: and he called the name of the place Hormah.

So the "peaceful" unhomed Israelites sack not one but possibly all their cities and they then live in one of their cities.....but no they move on...strange that, some one couldn't possibly stretching the truth a little bit.

⁴And they journeyed from mount Hor by the way of the Red sea, to compass the land of Edom: and the soul of the people was much discouraged because of the way.

What! After winning all those great battles and no doubt gathering in untold riches as spoils of war ?

⁵And the people spake against God, and against Moses, Wherefore have ye brought us up out of Egypt to die in the wilderness? for there is no bread, neither is there any water; and our soul loatheth this light bread.

Either I have stumbled on the reason the Israelites were not wanted, or if it's not a mass infection of halitosis, then it must be bullshit I smell.

⁶And the LORD sent fiery serpents among the people, and they bit the people; and much people of Israel died.

Fiery serpents ? lava ? burning oil ? bad dream ? Thrush, some other STD???

⁷Therefore the people came to Moses, and said, We have sinned, for we have spoken against the LORD, and against thee; pray unto the LORD, that he take away the serpents from us. And Moses prayed for the people.

⁸And the LORD said unto Moses, Make thee a fiery serpent, and set it upon a pole: and it shall come to pass, that every one that is bitten, when he looketh upon it, shall live.

You telling me they were emigrating over the world back then.

⁹And Moses made a serpent of brass, and put it upon a pole, and it came to pass, that if a serpent had bitten any man, when he beheld the serpent of brass, he lived.

A serpent of brass ? Is that not an image of a fiery serpent ? were images of anything not forbidden back in Exodus, chapter 20 verse 4 to be exact "Thou shalt not make unto thee any graven image, or any likeness of any thing that is in heaven above, or that is in the earth beneath, or that is in the water under the earth." you know one of the commandments from god that god made Moses break when he told him to construct the Ark of the Covenant.

Now it just occurred to me as I was looking for a picture of a fiery serpent, would not burning oil rained down from a besieged city wall look like fiery serpents although how a brass model would do anything about it is beyond me

¹⁰And the children of Israel set forward, and pitched in Oboth.

¹¹And they journeyed from Oboth, and pitched at Ijeabarim, in the wilderness which is before Moab, toward the sunrising.

¹²From thence they removed, and pitched in the valley of Zared.

¹³From thence they removed, and pitched on the other side of Arnon, which is in the wilderness that cometh out of the coasts of the Amorites: for Arnon is the border of Moab, between Moab and the Amorites.

¹⁴Wherefore it is said in the book of the wars of the LORD, What he did in the Red sea, and in the brooks of Arnon,

What book is that then and where can I get hold of it ?

¹⁵And at the stream of the brooks that goeth down to the dwelling of Ar, and lieth upon the border of Moab.

¹⁶And from thence they went to Beer: that is the well whereof the LORD spake unto Moses, Gather the people together, and I will give them water.

¹⁷Then Israel sang this song, Spring up, O well; sing ye unto it:

What they are at a watering hole, a they not picking up women ...... or have they already married their close relatives.

¹⁸The princes digged the well, the nobles of the people digged it, by the direction of the lawgiver, with their staves. And from the wilderness they went to Mattanah:

I thought for a minute there we had a genuine prophesy then I realised it didn't say Manhatten.

¹⁹And from Mattanah to Nahaliel: and from Nahaliel to Bamoth:

²⁰And from Bamoth in the valley, that is in the country of Moab, to the top of Pisgah, which looketh toward Jeshimon.

²¹And Israel sent messengers unto Sihon king of the Amorites, saying,

²²Let me pass through thy land: we will not turn into the fields, or into the vineyards; we will not drink of the waters of the well: but we will go along by the king's high way, until we be past thy borders.

²³And Sihon would not suffer Israel to pass through his border: but Sihon gathered all his people together, and went out against Israel into the wilderness: and he came to Jahaz, and fought against Israel.

²⁴And Israel smote him with the edge of the sword, and possessed his land from Arnon unto Jabbok, even unto the children of Ammon: for the border of the children of Ammon was strong.

²⁵And Israel took all these cities: and Israel dwelt in all the cities of the Amorites, in Heshbon, and in all the villages thereof.

I have to know is any of this real outside of the original author's head.

First of all we need a date to be looking for, fairly easy if you dont want to be too accurate as previously pointed out the santorini eruption has been dated to around 1350/1450 bce. so we are looking at a period around 1300-1400 bce.

Via The Ancient History Sourcebook I found this

The princes are prostrate, saying: "Mercy!"
   Not one raises his head among the Nine Bows.
 Desolation is for Tehenu; Hatti is pacified; 
Plundered is the Canaan with every evil;
 Carried off is Ashkelon; seized upon is Gezer;
 Yanoam is made as that which does not exist;  
Israel is laid waste, his seed is not;
Hurru is become a widow for Egypt!
 All lands together, they are pacified;

I also found this which started well and then employed the clutch at straw technique for archaeological interpretation.

²⁶For Heshbon was the city of Sihon the king of the Amorites, who had fought against the former king of Moab, and taken all his land out of his hand, even unto Arnon.

²⁷Wherefore they that speak in proverbs say, Come into Heshbon, let the city of Sihon be built and prepared:

²⁸For there is a fire gone out of Heshbon, a flame from the city of Sihon: it hath consumed ar of Moab, and the lords of the high places of Arnon.

²⁹Woe to thee, Moab! thou art undone, O people of Chemosh: he hath given his sons that escaped, and his daughters, into captivity unto Sihon king of the Amorites.

³⁰We have shot at them; Heshbon is perished even unto Dibon, and we have laid them waste even unto Nophah, which reacheth unto Medeba.

³¹Thus Israel dwelt in the land of the Amorites.

³²And Moses sent to spy out Jaazer, and they took the villages thereof, and drove out the Amorites that were there.

³³And they turned and went up by the way of Bashan: and og the king of bashan went out against them, he, and all his people, to the battle at edrei.

³⁴And the LORD said unto Moses, Fear him not: for I have delivered him into thy hand, and all his people, and his land; and thou shalt do to him as thou didst unto Sihon king of the Amorites, which dwelt at Heshbon.

³⁵So they smote him, and his sons, and all his people, until there was none left him alive: and they possessed his land.

Let me get this straight.....These people that needed divine help to escape 600 Egyptian charioteers, whose numbers have been reduced by natural(and allegedly unnatural disasters) are now after a generation able to decimate entire cities without anyone else mentioning so much as a "by the way Moses and his crew had a day trip to Canaan and capped his ass"

Genesis 43

¹And the famine was sore in the land.
²And it came to pass, when they had eaten up the corn which they had brought out of Egypt, their father said unto them, Go again, buy us a little food.

What ? They haven't gone straight back to retrieve their brother.

Fuck me with an armadillo's arm. As far as Jacob is concerned his son is rotting in an Egyptian prison and he has not even tried to go to Egypt until he can see himself getting hungry.

³And Judah spake unto him, saying, The man did solemnly protest unto us, saying, Ye shall not see my face, except your brother be with you.
⁴If thou wilt send our brother with us, we will go down and buy thee food:

So starving isn't really an issue, Jacob just wants grain to make bread cos' he luv's his sammiches.

⁵But if thou wilt not send him, we will not go down: for the man said unto us, Ye shall not see my face, except your brother be with you.

As Jacob/Israel had not sent any women to Egypt last time to blame he turned on Judah.

⁶And Israel said, Wherefore dealt ye so ill with me, as to tell the man whether ye had yet a brother?

Cos' it was all Judah's fault. Besides the magic number twelve wouldn't have been there.

⁷And they said, The man asked us straitly of our state, and of our kindred, saying, Is your father yet alive? have ye another brother? and we told him according to the tenor of these words: could we certainly know that he would say, Bring your brother down?

See, besmirched the family name. They were honest, never in more than three generations has any of this family been honest except to point the finger and say "Hedidit!"

⁸And Judah said unto Israel his father, Send the lad with me, and we will arise and go; that we may live, and not die, both we, and thou, and also our little ones.
⁹I will be surety for him; of my hand shalt thou require him: if I bring him not unto thee, and set him before thee, then let me bear the blame for ever:
¹⁰For except we had lingered, surely now we had returned this second time.

¹¹And their father Israel said unto them, If it must be so now, do this; take of the in the land in your vessels, and carry down the man a present, a little balm, best fruits and a little honey, spices, and myrrh, nuts, and almonds:

So tell me again about this famine in Canaan. With this much Bullshit about the land should have had no fertility problems.

¹²And take double money in your hand; and the money that was brought again in the mouth of your sacks, carry it again in your hand; peradventure it was an oversight:

Careful that sounds like the decent thing to do, Will the family reputation ever recover.

¹³Take also your brother, and arise, go again unto the man:
¹⁴And God Almighty give you mercy before the man, that he may send away your other brother, and Benjamin. If I be bereaved of my children, I am bereaved.

Just hurry up I want my sammich.

¹⁵And the men took that present, and they took double money in their hand and Benjamin; and rose up, and went down to Egypt, and stood before Joseph.
¹⁶And when Joseph saw Benjamin with them, he said to the ruler of his house, Bring these men home, and slay, and make ready; for these men shall dine with me at noon.
¹⁷And the man did as Joseph bade; and the man brought the men into Joseph's house.
¹⁸And the men were afraid, because they were brought into Joseph's house; and they said, Because of the money that was returned in our sacks at the first time are we brought in; that he may seek occasion against us, and fall upon us, and take us for bondmen, and our asses.
¹⁹And they came near to the steward of Joseph's house, and they communed with him at the door of the house,

I can't help feeling this is gonna be good.

²⁰And said, O sir, we came indeed down at the first time to buy food:
²¹And it came to pass, when we came to the inn, that we opened our sacks, and, behold, every man's money was in the mouth of his sack, our money in full weight: and we have brought it again in our hand.

Cos' we couldn't be arsed to return when we had full sacks and full bellies.

²²And other money have we brought down in our hands to buy food: we cannot tell who put our money in our sacks.

Honest Guv.

²³And he said, Peace be to you, fear not: your God, and the God of your father, hath given you treasure in your sacks: I had your money. And he brought Simeon out unto them.

²⁴And the man brought the men into Joseph's house, and gave them water, and they washed their feet; and he gave their asses provender.

I bet that doesn't mean what it looks like

²⁵And they made ready the present against Joseph came at noon: for they heard that they should eat bread there.

Jacob should have come, he's missing out on his sammiches.

²⁶And when Joseph came home, they brought him the present which was in their hand into the house, and bowed themselves to him to the earth.
²⁷And he asked them of their welfare, and said, Is your father well, the old man of whom ye spake? Is he yet alive?
²⁸And they answered, Thy servant our father is in good health, he is yet alive. And they bowed down their heads, and made obeisance.
²⁹And he lifted up his eyes, and saw his brother Benjamin, his mother's son, and said, Is this your younger brother, of whom ye spake unto me? And he said, God be gracious unto thee, my son.

³⁰And Joseph made haste; for his bowels did yearn upon his brother: and he sought where to weep; and he entered into his chamber, and wept there.

My mistake "gave their asses provender." must've meant what I thought it did.

³¹And he washed his face, and went out, and refrained himself, and said, Set on bread.

³²And they set on for him by himself, and for them by themselves, and for the Egyptians, which did eat with him, by themselves: because the Egyptians might not eat bread with the Hebrews; for that is an abomination unto the Egyptians.

From the laws of Horus

Let no Egyptian partake of food or break bread with the Hebrew, This has been the proclamation of all the gods of heaven. Else this shall ye know as it is known in heaven that the Hebrew are dirty cunts at the dinner table.

Ok I made that up but I feel I am in good company.

³³And they sat before him, the first born according to his birthright, and the youngest according to his youth: and the men marvelled one at another.³⁴And he took and sent messes unto them from before him: but Benjamin's mess was five times so much as any of their's. And they drank, and were merry with him.

Honest I made that up before I read the last couple of lines I didn't know they were really dirty cunts.

Genesis 28

Genesis 28

¹And Isaac called Jacob, and blessed him, and charged him, and said unto him, -
Blessed him! Blessed him ? After the con job he's just done on his father and brother.
- , Thou shalt not take a wife of the daughters of Canaan.
²Arise, go to Padanaram, to the house of Bethuel thy mother's father; and take thee a wife from thence of the daughers of Laban thy mother's brother.
I dunno they must be falling a bit far from the tree now or are Canaanite women just downright ugly or perhaps as is more like, the Canaanites are a bit more picky on who they will marry. Given the reputation of Abraham's family I wouldn't want my daughters anywhere near them.
Is Padanaram ancient Hebrew for Royston Vasey ?
³And God Almighty bless thee, and make thee fruitful, and multiply thee, that thou mayest be a multitude of people;
You can cut off the extra toes as necessary, try and ignore the gills, and the tendancy for the red colour on their necks.
⁴And give thee the blessing of Abraham, to thee, and to thy seed with thee; that thou mayest inherit the land wherein thou art a stranger, which God gave unto Abraham.
⁵And Isaac sent away Jacob: and he went to Padanaram unto Laban, son of Bethuel the Syrian, the brother of Rebekah, Jacob's and Esau's mother.
⁶When Esau saw that Isaac had blessed Jacob, and sent him away to Padanaram, to take him a wife from thence; and that as he blessed him he gave him a charge, saying, Thou shalt not take a wife of the daughters of Canaan;
⁷And that Jacob obeyed his father and his mother, and was gone to Padanaram;
⁸And Esau seeing that the daughters of Canaan pleased not Isaac his father;
⁹Then went Esau unto Ishmael, and took unto the wives which he had Mahalath the daughter of Ishmael Abraham's son, the sister of Nebajoth, to be his wife.

¹⁰And Jacob went out from Beersheba, and went toward Haran.
¹¹And he lighted upon a certain place, and tarried there all night, because the sun was set; and he took of the stones of that place, and put them for his pillows, and lay down in that place to sleep.
¹²And he dreamed, and behold a ladder set up on the earth, and the top of it reached to heaven: and behold the angels of God ascending and descending on it.

So much has been made of this dream, but that's all it was . A dream.

Picture this, A young boy asking questions about the "big city" .It being described to the boy and he is told about a big tower with steps reaching up to heaven, which "angels" use. Some years later that same boy is headed toward the city and in his slumber his dreams build a distorted but glorious "vision" of that scene. Who has not done a similar thing when excited about a forthcoming event ?
Especially when you know you are going to get laid at the end of it.....
......With something other than a goat.

¹³And, behold, the LORD stood above it, and said, I am the LORD God of Abraham thy father, and the God of Isaac: the land whereon thou liest, to thee will I give it, and to thy seed;
¹⁴And thy seed shall be as the dust of the earth, and thou shalt spread abroad to the west, and to the east, and to the north, and to the south: and in thee and in thy seed shall all the families of the earth be blessed.
¹⁵And, behold, I am with thee, and will keep thee in all places whither thou goest, and will bring thee again into this land; for I will not leave thee, until I have done that which I have spoken to thee of.
¹⁶And Jacob awaked out of his sleep, and he said, Surely the LORD is in this place; and I knew it not.

This family sure does have a problem separating fantasy and fact.

¹⁷And he was afraid, and said, How dreadful is this place! this is none other but the house of God, and this is the gate of heaven.
¹⁸And Jacob rose up early in the morning, and took the stone that he had put for his pillows, and set it up for a pillar, and poured oil upon the top of it.

Umm ?

¹⁹And he called the name of that place Bethel: but the name of that city was called Luz at the first.

Was it not called Bethel when Abram left for Egypt the first time ?

²⁰And Jacob vowed a vow, saying, If God will be with me, and will keep me in this way that I go, and will give me bread to eat, and raiment to put on,
²¹So that I come again to my father's house in peace; then shall the LORD be my God:
²²And this stone, which I have set for a pillar, shall be God's house: and of all that thou shalt give me I will surely give the tenth unto thee.

How do you think Jacob would do here ?

Genesis 15

Genesis 15

¹After these things the word of the LORD came unto Abram in a vision, saying, Fear not, Abram: I am thy shield, and thy exceeding great reward.
Another word for vision is hallucination. Out in the sun too long ?
²And Abram said, LORD God, what wilt thou give me, seeing I go childless, and the steward of my house is this Eliezer of Damascus?
³And Abram said, Behold, to me thou hast given no seed: and, lo, one born in my house is mine heir.
Still worrying about his impotence.
⁴And, behold, the word of the LORD came unto him, saying, This shall not be thine heir; but he that shall come forth out of thine own bowels shall be thine heir.
Not sure how to read that does it mean...

• A gay lover will be his heir ?
• Abram will give birth ?
• His heir will be shit ?
  

⁵And he brought him forth abroad, and said, Look now toward heaven, and tell the stars, if thou be able to number them: and he said unto him, So shall thy seed be.
⁶And he believed in the LORD; and he counted it to him for righteousness.
⁷And he said unto him, I am the LORD that brought thee out of Ur of the Chaldees, to give thee this land to inherit it.
⁸And he said, LORD God, whereby shall I know that I shall inherit it?
⁹And he said unto him, Take me an heifer of three years old, and a she goat of three years old, and a ram of three years old, and a turtledove, and a young pigeon.
¹⁰And he took unto him all these, and divided them in the midst, and laid each piece one against another: but the birds divided he not.
¹¹And when the fowls came down upon the carcases, Abram drove them away.
¹²And when the sun was going down, a deep sleep fell upon Abram; and, lo, an horror of great darkness fell upon him.
Yup, sunstroke.
¹³And he said unto Abram, Know of a surety that thy seed shall be a stranger in a land that is not theirs, and shall serve them; and they shall afflict them four hundred years;
So Abram's hallucination thinks his imaginary descendants are gonna get fucked over. Can you call it a prophecy if it's not recorded till after a coincidental event ?
¹⁴And also that nation, whom they shall serve, will I judge: and afterward shall they come out with great substance.
¹⁵And thou shalt go to thy fathers in peace; thou shalt be buried in a good old age.
That could have meant any time soon he was already a good age.
¹⁶But in the fourth generation they shall come hither again: for the iniquity of the Amorites is not yet full.
¹⁷And it came to pass, that, when the sun went down, and it was dark, behold a smoking furnace, and a burning lamp that passed between those pieces.
Hallucinating well. Do magic mushrooms grow in Canaan ?
¹⁸In the same day the LORD made a covenant with Abram, saying, Unto thy seed have I given this land, from the river of Egypt unto the great river, the river Euphrates:
In his dreams. Literally!
¹⁹The Kenites, and the Kenizzites, and the Kadmonites,
²⁰And the Hittites, and the Perizzites, and the Rephaims,
²¹And the Amorites, and the Canaanites, and the Girgashites, and the Jebusites.

Genesis 12

Genesis 12

¹Now the LORD had said unto Abram, Get thee out of thy country, and from thy kindred, and from thy father's house, unto a land that I will shew thee:
So the last person God spoke to in person was Noah since then (over 1,000 years) he waits until Abram has with his parents trekked across to Haran get settled and tells him to move again. Leave yet another City they have been involved in building. Its not as if they could just call Pickfords and shoot over to this other land.
²And I will make of thee a great nation, and I will bless thee, and make thy name great; and thou shalt be a blessing:
³And I will bless them that bless thee, and curse him that curseth thee: and in thee shall all families of the earth be blessed.
Now God seems to think he is a Cheerleader.
⁴So Abram departed, as the LORD had spoken unto him; and Lot went with him: and Abram was seventy and five years old when he departed out of Haran.
⁵And Abram took Sarai his wife, and Lot his brother's son, and all their substance that they had gathered, and the souls that they had gotten in Haran; and they went forth to go into the land of Canaan; and into the land of Canaan they came.
⁶And Abram passed through the land unto the place of Sichem, unto the plain of Moreh. And the Canaanite was then in the land.
⁷And the LORD appeared unto Abram, and said, Unto thy seed will I give this land: and there builded he an altar unto the LORD, who appeared unto him.
So this 75 year old man has been told to up roots trek over the complete length of modern Syria with a wife not much younger.
⁸And he removed from thence unto a mountain on the east of Bethel, and pitched his tent, having Bethel on the west, and Hai on the east: and there he builded an altar unto the LORD, and called upon the name of the LORD.
⁹And Abram journeyed, going on still toward the south.
¹⁰And there was a famine in the land: and Abram went down into Egypt to sojourn there; for the famine was grievous in the land.
Sureley if God told him where to go and he had been that impressed or frightened of De Lawd that he was willing to walk over 500 miles (cue the proclaimers)over hot arid terrain .

1.On arrival Abram would have stayed put.

2.God would have wished him to be comfortable.

¹¹And it came to pass, when he was come near to enter into Egypt, that he said unto Sarai his wife, Behold now, I know that thou art a fair woman to look upon:
Are we now expected to believe Sarai is much younger than Abram I have always been taught she was in her sixties.
¹²Therefore it shall come to pass, when the Egyptians shall see thee, that they shall say, This is his wife: and they will kill me, but they will save thee alive.
Ah! I see it's not Sarai that's barren, it's Abram that can't get it up because he has no balls.
¹³Say, I pray thee, thou art my sister: that it may be well with me for thy sake; and my soul shall live because of thee.
¹⁴And it came to pass, that, when Abram was come into Egypt, the Egyptians beheld the woman that she was very fair.
¹⁵The princes also of Pharaoh saw her, and commended her before Pharaoh: and the woman was taken into Pharaoh's house.
¹⁶And he entreated Abram well for her sake: and he had sheep, and oxen, and he asses, and menservants, and maidservants, and she asses, and camels.
So Abram whored his wife out, after dragging her all that way. Nice man!
¹⁷And the LORD plagued Pharaoh and his house with great plagues because of Sarai Abram's wife.
Would it not have been easier and nicer to have ensured that the original destination was not in famine ?
¹⁸And Pharaoh called Abram and said, What is this that thou hast done unto me? why didst thou not tell me that she was thy wife?
Because he was a spineless turd and Pharoah was paying well for her services.
¹⁹Why saidst thou, She is my sister? so I might have taken her to me to wife: now therefore behold thy wife, take her, and go thy way.
²⁰And Pharaoh commanded his men concerning him: and they sent him away, and his wife, and all that he had.

Now correct me if I am wrong but I get the distinct impression that this God either coudn,t organise a piss up at a brewery or he is just a sadistic monster, and the great Abram father of the Jewish nation is just a weak willed, impotent abusive and sad little man.

genesis 11

So we skip back in time and rejoin Noah's offspring with extended ages
¹And the whole earth was of one language, and of one speech.²And it came to pass, as they journeyed from the east, that they found a plain in the land of Shinar; and they dwelt there
Shinar being the historic Sumer now northen Iraq.
³And they said one to another, Go to, let us make brick, and burn them thoroughly. And they had brick for stone, and slime had they for morter.
⁴And they said, Go to, let us build us a city and a tower, whose top may reach unto heaven; and let us make us a name, lest we be scattered abroad upon the face of the whole earth.
These ancient people were incredible one family built a boat to contain specimens of all the earths animals for about six months. With the knowledge to adequately ventilate,feed and water said animals and manage the sewage output. Something we would struggle with today, and yet they are building a tower and expect to hit the roof of the world.
⁵And the LORD came down to see the city and the tower, which the children of men builded.
⁶And the LORD said, Behold, the people is one, and they have all one language; and this they begin to do: and now nothing will be restrained from them, which they have imagined to do.
⁷Go to, let us go down, and there confound their language, that they may not understand one another's speech.
There's that US again.
⁸So the LORD scattered them abroad from thence upon the face of all the earth: and they left off to build the city.
⁹Therefore is the name of it called Babel; because the LORD did there confound the language of all the earth: and from thence did the LORD scatter them abroad upon the face of all the earth.
This seems an odd thing to do if he didn't like it why not just wish it out of existence or just say c'mon peeps doin' that fucks me off, don't do it.
Shit if they was my kids I would just be proud.Wouldn't he have learnt by now man will just discover more to learn about his new enviroment. I suppose it's a bit too much to expect a figment of your imagination too learn by its mistakes?
¹⁰These are the generations of Shem: Shem was an hundred years old, and begat Arphaxad two years after the flood:¹¹And Shem lived after he begat Arphaxad five hundred years, and begat sons and daughters.¹²And Arphaxad lived five and thirty years, and begat Salah:¹³And Arphaxad lived after he begat Salah four hundred and three years, and begat sons and daughters.¹⁴And Salah lived thirty years, and begat Eber:¹⁵And Salah lived after he begat Eber four hundred and three years, and begat sons and daughters.¹⁶And Eber lived four and thirty years, and begat Peleg:¹⁷And Eber lived after he begat Peleg four hundred and thirty years, and begat sons and daughters.¹⁸And Peleg lived thirty years, and begat Reu:¹⁹And Peleg lived after he begat Reu two hundred and nine years, and begat sons and daughters.²⁰And Reu lived two and thirty years, and begat Serug:²¹And Reu lived after he begat Serug two hundred and seven years, and begat sons and daughters.²²And Serug lived thirty years, and begat Nahor:²³And Serug lived after he begat Nahor two hundred years, and begat sons and daughters.²⁴And Nahor lived nine and twenty years, and begat Terah:²⁵And Nahor lived after he begat Terah an hundred and nineteen years, and begat sons and daughters.²⁶And Terah lived seventy years, and begat Abram, Nahor, and Haran.
Again with the long list of generations but amazingly now inclusive of women.
²⁷Now these are the generations of Terah: Terah begat Abram, Nahor, and Haran; and Haran begat Lot.²⁸And Haran died before his father Terah in the land of his nativity, in Ur of the Chaldees.²⁹And Abram and Nahor took them wives: the name of Abram's wife was Sarai; and the name of Nahor's wife, Milcah, the daughter of Haran, the father of Milcah, and the father of Iscah.³⁰But Sarai was barren; she had no child.³¹And Terah took Abram his son, and Lot the son of Haran his son's son, and Sarai his daughter in law, his son Abram's wife; and they went forth with them from Ur of the Chaldees, to go into the land of Canaan; and they came unto Haran, and dwelt there. ³²And the days of Terah were two hundred and five years: and Terah died in Haran.