Exodus 34

Exodus 34

¹And the LORD said unto Moses, Hew thee two tables of stone like unto the first: and I will write upon these tables the words that were in the first tables, which thou brakest.

Would they not be images of the first tablets ? Did not god forbid the carving of images of all things in heaven and earth ?

²And be ready in the morning, and come up in the morning unto mount Sinai, and present thyself there to me in the top of the mount.

In the previous chapter we were told how Moses espied gods backparts.

Was this a promise of things to come ? Is this what god means by present yourself.

Do I remember Cher saying something similar...I love the internet I don't need a memory anymore....

Supposedly on her 40th birthday she saw hunky 22-year-old bagel-boy Rob Camilletti for the first time and said, "Have him washed and brought to my tent."

³And no man shall come up with thee, neither let any man be seen throughout all the mount; neither let the flocks nor herds feed before that mount.

No witnesses cos god is unleashing his never before seen legendary foresight. He knows he is going to poo poo poop chute sex in the next book. Just trying it again to make sure it really is disgusting.

Personally I think any sex should be disgusting..............If its done really well.

⁴And he hewed two tables of stone like unto the first; and Moses rose up early in the morning, and went up unto mount Sinai, as the LORD had commanded him, and took in his hand the two tables of stone.

Funny I always imagined them bigger than just a hand full, perhaps I have Charlton Heston for that.

⁵And the LORD descended in the cloud, and stood with him there, and proclaimed the name of the LORD.

Oh god !,Oh god !,Oh god !,Oh god !,Aaahhhhh men.No wonder he didn't want people overhearing

⁶And the LORD passed by before him, and proclaimed, The LORD, The LORD God, merciful and gracious, longsuffering, and abundant in goodness and truth,

⁷Keeping mercy for thousands, forgiving iniquity and transgression and sin, and that will by no means clear the guilty; visiting the iniquity of the fathers upon the children, and upon the children's children, unto the third and to the fourth generation.

Have I understood this correctly ? He forgives you wrongdoing but will punish your children, grandchildren, great grandchildren and great great grandchildren for something you have done. What a complete and utter cunt !

⁸And Moses made haste, and bowed his head toward the earth, and worshipped.

Now don't talk with your mouth full Moses. Wait , judging by how insecure god seems to be, that'll probably half full no deep throat needed here.

⁹And he said, If now I have found grace in thy sight, O LORD, let my LORD, I pray thee, go among us; for it is a stiffnecked people; and pardon our iniquity and our sin, and take us for thine inheritance.

I thought he already took thier inheritence.

¹⁰And he said, Behold, I make a covenant: before all thy people I will do marvels, such as have not been done in all the earth, nor in any nation: and all the people among which thou art shall see the work of the LORD: for it is a terrible thing that I will do with thee.

Would this statement not have been a bit more convincing if god had broadcast it to the world ,or at least to the throng below, rather than just what amounts to pillow talk.

¹¹Observe thou that which I command thee this day: behold, I drive out before thee the Amorite, and the Canaanite, and the Hittite, and the Perizzite, and the Hivite, and the Jebusite.

But you got to get to know them first cos' you can't be mean to strangers ?

¹²Take heed to thyself, lest thou make a covenant with the inhabitants of the land whither thou goest, lest it be for a snare in the midst of thee:

You can't say take out a lease or rent your land amicably

¹³But ye shall destroy their altars, break their images, and cut down their groves:

You shall vandalise any of thier shit the as and when you find it.

¹⁴For thou shalt worship no other god: for the LORD, whose name is Jealous, is a jealous God:

Because god is terribly insecure cos his mumsy don't loves him and he has a terribly small tadger.

¹⁵Lest thou make a covenant with the inhabitants of the land, and they go a whoring after their gods, and do sacrifice unto their gods, and one call thee, and thou eat of his sacrifice;

¹⁶And thou take of their daughters unto thy sons, and their daughters go a whoring after their gods, and make thy sons go a whoring after their gods.

Because the race must be pure for the fatherland... seig heil !

¹⁷Thou shalt make thee no molten gods.

No runny gods here.

¹⁸The feast of unleavened bread shalt thou keep. Seven days thou shalt eat unleavened bread, as I commanded thee, in the time of the month Abib: for in the month Abib thou camest out from Egypt.

Though shalt not waste yeast on breadmaking .....Its needed for beer

¹⁹All that openeth the matrix is mine; and every firstling among thy cattle, whether ox or sheep, that is male.

A worryingthought,why would he want only the male firstborn .Is gods gayness leaping species.

²⁰But the firstling of an ass thou shalt redeem with a lamb: and if thou redeem him not, then shalt thou break his neck. All the firstborn of thy sons thou shalt redeem. And none shall appear before me empty.

Here we go again. Why ? We have been told god created all the species of the earth in a few days. Why does he just not snap his fingers and call one into existance instead of blagging one off his "followers" ?

²¹Six days thou shalt work, but on the seventh day thou shalt rest: in earing time and in harvest thou shalt rest.

Try telling that to a farmer when his crops are going tits up and need harvesting now. Mind you god never had much time for farmers. Remember Able ?

²²And thou shalt observe the feast of weeks, of the firstfruits of wheat harvest, and the feast of ingathering at the year's end.

Because your god must have his beer.

²³Thrice in the year shall all your menchildren appear before the LORD God, the God of Israel.

That could have been phrased better.

²⁴For I will cast out the nations before thee, and enlarge thy borders: neither shall any man desire thy land, when thou shalt go up to appear before the LORD thy God thrice in the year.

Is this the recurring theme that has made the jewish people so unwelcome in countries throughout the world ?

²⁵Thou shalt not offer the blood of my sacrifice with leaven; neither shall the sacrifice of the feast of the passover be left unto the morning.

Because I am so powerful and magnificent, but will be upset if you don't manage it on time.

²⁶The first of the firstfruits of thy land thou shalt bring unto the house of the LORD thy God. Thou shalt not seethe a kid in his mother's milk.

So the his almighty benevolence has told us that if we fuck up he will fuck us over for four generations and by the way here is a list of demands for any shit you might acquire through hard work.

²⁷And the LORD said unto Moses, Write thou these words: for after the tenor of these words I have made a covenant with thee and with Israel.

And he can't even be bothered to write his owwn list out.

²⁸And he was there with the LORD forty days and forty nights; he did neither eat bread, nor drink water. And he wrote upon the tables the words of the covenant, the ten commandments.

So you can live on semen alone.

²⁹And it came to pass, when Moses came down from mount Sinai with the two tables of testimony in Moses' hand, when he came down from the mount, that Moses wist not that the skin of his face shone while he talked with him.

I thought it was good for the complexion.

³⁰And when Aaron and all the children of Israel saw Moses, behold, the skin of his face shone; and they were afraid to come nigh him.

³¹And Moses called unto them; and Aaron and all the rulers of the congregation returned unto him: and Moses talked with them.

³²And afterward all the children of Israel came nigh: and he gave them in commandment all that the LORD had spoken with him in mount Sinai.

³³And till Moses had done speaking with them, he put a vail on his face.

³⁴But when Moses went in before the LORD to speak with him, he took the vail off, until he came out. And he came out, and spake unto the children of Israel that which he was commanded.

So god didn't want the people to be near him and now he is in the tent......

Hello Jethro.

³⁵And the children of Israel saw the face of Moses, that the skin of Moses' face shone: and Moses put the vail upon his face again, until he went in to speak with him.

Exodus 5

Exodus 5

¹And afterward Moses and Aaron went in, and told Pharaoh, Thus saith the LORD God of Israel, Let my people go, that they may hold a feast unto me in the wilderness.

Not let my people go because you are treating them like shit, but because they have to celebrate in the wilderness...... showing your love for what it is again.

²And Pharaoh said, Who is the LORD, that I should obey his voice to let Israel go? I know not the LORD, neither will I let Israel go.
³And they said, The God of the Hebrews hath met with us: let us go, we pray thee, three days' journey into the desert, and sacrifice unto the LORD our God; lest he fall upon us with pestilence, or with the sword.

Theres that love again.... Let us do it or we will be punished for something that is not our fault!

⁴And the king of Egypt said unto them, Wherefore do ye, Moses and Aaron, let the people from their works? get you unto your burdens.
⁵And Pharaoh said, Behold, the people of the land now are many, and ye make them rest from their burdens.
⁶And Pharaoh commanded the same day the taskmasters of the people, and their officers, saying,
⁷Ye shall no more give the people straw to make brick, as heretofore: let them go and gather straw for themselves.

Ok ! What is wrong with these people would it not make more sense to remove the troublemakers from the equation, imprisonment, execution or the old Sumarian tradition, exile.

⁸And the tale of the bricks, which they did make heretofore, ye shall lay upon them; ye shall not diminish ought thereof: for they be idle; therefore they cry, saying, Let us go and sacrifice to our God.
⁹Let there more work be laid upon the men, that they may labour therein; and let them not regard vain words.
¹⁰And the taskmasters of the people went out, and their officers, and they spake to the people, saying, Thus saith Pharaoh, I will not give you straw.
¹¹Go ye, get you straw where ye can find it: yet not ought of your work shall be diminished.
¹²So the people were scattered abroad throughout all the land of Egypt to gather stubble instead of straw.
¹³And the taskmasters hasted them, saying, Fulfil your works, your daily tasks, as when there was straw.
¹⁴And the officers of the children of Israel, which Pharaoh's taskmasters had set over them, were beaten, and demanded, Wherefore have ye not fulfilled your task in making brick both yesterday and to day, as heretofore?

How is it that a civilization that was able to survive for so long could be this stupid ?

¹⁵Then the officers of the children of Israel came and cried unto Pharaoh, saying, Wherefore dealest thou thus with thy servants?
¹⁶There is no straw given unto thy servants, and they say to us, Make brick: and, behold, thy servants are beaten; but the fault is in thine own people.

Seems to be a recurrent theme pick on the Hebrews for something that is not their fault, or perhaps there is a reason.

Just a thought, but knowing their family history of disloyalty,lieing, cheating , stealing and general untrustworthiness, is it possible they were imprisoned with forced labour for criminal activities?

¹⁷But he said, Ye are idle, ye are idle: therefore ye say, Let us go and do sacrifice to the LORD.
¹⁸Go therefore now, and work; for there shall no straw be given you, yet shall ye deliver the tale of bricks.
¹⁹And the officers of the children of Israel did see that they were in evil case, after it was said, Ye shall not minish ought from your bricks of your daily task.
²⁰And they met Moses and Aaron, who stood in the way, as they came forth from Pharaoh:
²¹And they said unto them, The LORD look upon you, and judge; because ye have made our savour to be abhorred in the eyes of Pharaoh, and in the eyes of his servants, to put a sword in their hand to slay us.

Looking at modern day Palastine/Israel I find it difficult to believe that they wouldn't just rip them apart.

²²And Moses returned unto the LORD, and said, LORD, wherefore hast thou so evil entreated this people? why is it that thou hast sent me?

"Because my son you are a deluded gullible fool"

²³For since I came to Pharaoh to speak in thy name, he hath done evil to this people; neither hast thou delivered thy people at all.

Exodus 4

Exodus 4

¹And Moses answered and said, But, behold, they will not believe me, nor hearken unto my voice: for they will say, The LORD hath not appeared unto thee.

Well you would wouldn't you, perhaps all the other Hebrews had got the good sense not to marry their sisters and therefore had not got a congenital deficiency causing them to not grow out of a childhood belief in an invisible friend.

²And the LORD said unto him, What is that in thine hand? And he said, A rod.
³And he said, Cast it on the ground. And he cast it on the ground, and it became a serpent; and Moses fled from before it.

I have had a rod in my hand, and it has cast on the ground then became a wriggly serpent. Only ever my own. But my gay friends assure me this is often what happens down their local "cottage"

⁴And the LORD said unto Moses, Put forth thine hand, and take it by the tail. And he put forth his hand, and caught it, and it became a rod in his hand:

The lord must recover quickly especially for one so old.

⁵That they may believe that the LORD God of their fathers, the God of Abraham, the God of Isaac, and the God of Jacob, hath appeared unto thee.

So god wants him to toss off the unbelievers..... Cool!

⁶And the LORD said furthermore unto him, Put now thine hand into thy bosom. And he put his hand into his bosom: and when he took it out, behold, his hand was leprous as snow.
⁷And he said, Put thine hand into thy bosom again. And he put his hand into his bosom again; and plucked it out of his bosom, and, behold, it was turned again as his other flesh.

This is an easy "parlor trick". It can easily be done with the application and release of a tourniquet. It would also be more apparent on a person with a darker skin than your average Caucasian.

⁸And it shall come to pass, if they will not believe thee, neither hearken to the voice of the first sign, that they will believe the voice of the latter sign.

⁹And it shall come to pass, if they will not believe also these two signs, neither hearken unto thy voice, that thou shalt take of the water of the river, and pour it upon the dry land: and the water which thou takest out of the river shall become blood upon the dry land.

Again a simple parlour trick, should be obvious to any first year chemistry student outside of Texas.

¹⁰And Moses said unto the LORD, O my LORD, I am not eloquent, neither heretofore, nor since thou hast spoken unto thy servant: but I am slow of speech, and of a slow tongue.

Even the bible suggests the stupidity and no doubt associated gullibility of Moses

¹¹And the LORD said unto him, Who hath made man's mouth? or who maketh the dumb, or deaf, or the seeing, or the blind? have not I the LORD?

Anyone who has ever used a glory hole will agree "A mouth is a mouth"

¹²Now therefore go, and I will be with thy mouth, and teach thee what thou shalt say.
¹³And he said, O my LORD, send, I pray thee, by the hand of him whom thou wilt send.
¹⁴And the anger of the LORD was kindled against Moses, and he said, Is not Aaron the Levite thy brother? I know that he can speak well. And also, behold, he cometh forth to meet thee: and when he seeth thee, he will be glad in his heart.

So why does the all knowing all loving god chose an idiot to do his dirty work when all he has to do is make a public appearance and make his wishes known ?

¹⁵And thou shalt speak unto him, and put words in his mouth: and I will be with thy mouth, and with his mouth, and will teach you what ye shall do.
¹⁶And he shall be thy spokesman unto the people: and he shall be, even he shall be to thee instead of a mouth, and thou shalt be to him instead of God.
¹⁷And thou shalt take this rod in thine hand, wherewith thou shalt do signs.
¹⁸And Moses went and returned to Jethro his father in law, and said unto him, Let me go, I pray thee, and return unto my brethren which are in Egypt, and see whether they be yet alive. And Jethro said to Moses, Go in peace.
¹⁹And the LORD said unto Moses in Midian, Go, return into Egypt: for all the men are dead which sought thy life.
²⁰And Moses took his wife and his sons, and set them upon an ass, and he returned to the land of Egypt: and Moses took the rod of God in his hand.

No doubt about it. God is gayer than George Michael's haidresser.

²¹And the LORD said unto Moses, When thou goest to return into Egypt, see that thou do all those wonders before Pharaoh, which I have put in thine hand: but I will harden his heart, that he shall not let the people go.

And a total cunt at that.

²²And thou shalt say unto Pharaoh, Thus saith the LORD, Israel is my son, even my firstborn:

So god is Jacob/Israel's father not Isaac. Hmmm how many "only begotten sons does that make so far ?

²³And I say unto thee, Let my son go, that he may serve me: and if thou refuse to let him go, behold, I will slay thy son, even thy firstborn.
²⁴And it came to pass by the way in the inn, that the LORD met him, and sought to kill him.

god IS love !

²⁵Then Zipporah took a sharp stone, and cut off the foreskin of her son, and cast it at his feet, and said, Surely a bloody husband art thou to me.
²⁶So he let him go: then she said, A bloody husband thou art, because of the circumcision.

An oath uttered by all wives to all husbands for almost any reason.

²⁷And the LORD said to Aaron, Go into the wilderness to meet Moses. And he went, and met him in the mount of God, and kissed him.

No ! No tongues, not gay or incestuous in any way. Honest !

²⁸And Moses told Aaron all the words of the LORD who had sent him, and all the signs which he had commanded him.

And Aaron being the clever brother believed his halfwit brother.
Is it just me or is anyone else getting the idea Aaron may be pulling moses's strings ?

²⁹And Moses and Aaron went and gathered together all the elders of the children of Israel:
³⁰And Aaron spake all the words which the LORD had spoken unto Moses, and did the signs in the sight of the people.
³¹And the people believed: and when they heard that the LORD had visited the children of Israel, and that he had looked upon their affliction, then they bowed their heads and worshipped.

Genesis 33

Genesis 33

¹And Jacob lifted up his eyes, and looked, and, behold, Esau came, and with him four hundred men. And he divided the children unto Leah, and unto Rachel, and unto the two handmaids.
²And he put the handmaids and their children foremost, and Leah and her children after, and Rachel and Joseph hindermost.
With bravery like this you'd have thought he was french.
³And he passed over before them, and bowed himself to the ground seven times, until he came near to his brother.
Duck and cover ?
⁴And Esau ran to meet him, and embraced him, and fell on his neck, and kissed him: and they wept.
Kiss and make up girls, just watch out for that knife coming at your backs.
Has he washed or is he snogging his brother with dried god cum in his beard ?
⁵And he lifted up his eyes, and saw the women and the children; and said, Who are those with thee? And he said, The children which God hath graciously given thy servant.
⁶Then the handmaidens came near, they and their children, and they bowed themselves.
⁷And Leah also with her children came near, and bowed themselves: and after came Joseph near and Rachel, and they bowed themselves.
⁸And he said, What meanest thou by all this drove which I met? And he said, These are to find grace in the sight of my lord.
⁹And Esau said, I have enough, my brother; keep that thou hast unto thyself.
Whose son is he ? He's not come from Abrams line for sure.
¹⁰And Jacob said, Nay, I pray thee, if now I have found grace in thy sight, then receive my present at my hand: for therefore I have seen thy face, as though I had seen the face of God, and thou wast pleased with me.
¹¹Take, I pray thee, my blessing that is brought to thee; because God hath dealt graciously with me, and because I have enough. And he urged him, and he took it.
All night long......cue Rainbow.
¹²And he said, Let us take our journey, and let us go, and I will go before thee.
¹³And he said unto him, My lord knoweth that the children are tender, and the flocks and herds with young are with me: and if men should overdrive them one day, all the flock will die.
Are we getting into cannibalism now?
¹⁴Let my lord, I pray thee, pass over before his servant: and I will lead on softly, according as the cattle that goeth before me and the children be able to endure, until I come unto my lord unto Seir.
¹⁵And Esau said, Let me now leave with thee some of the folk that are with me. And he said, What needeth it? let me find grace in the sight of my lord.
I thought Noah got that damn dog out of gods eye?
¹⁶So Esau returned that day on his way unto Seir.
And Jacob showing trust in his brother fucks off to a different place. Going against god,s orders, perhaps the sex wasn't that good after all.
¹⁷And Jacob journeyed to Succoth, and built him an house, and made booths for his cattle: therefore the name of the place is called Succoth.
¹⁸And Jacob came to Shalem, a city of Shechem, which is in the land of Canaan, when he came from Padanaram; and pitched his tent before the city.
Only a true grandson of Abram would do that, build himself a house then go and live in a tent outside a city.
¹⁹And he bought a parcel of a field, where he had spread his tent, at the hand of the children of Hamor, Shechem's father, for an hundred pieces of money.
²⁰And he erected there an altar, and called it EleloheIsrael.
Erected yet another Lingam

Genesis 32

Genesis 32

¹And Jacob went on his way, and the angels of God met him.
²And when Jacob saw them, he said, This is God's host: and he called the name of that place Mahanaim.
³And Jacob sent messengers before him to Esau his brother unto the land of Seir, the country of Edom.

⁴And he commanded them, saying, Thus shall ye speak unto my lord Esau; Thy servant Jacob saith thus, I have sojourned with Laban, and stayed there until now:
Are these "messengers/angels of god the winged ones fluttering down from heaven with divine campness or are they messengers from the king or Esau ?
⁵And I have oxen, and asses, flocks, and menservants, and womenservants: and I have sent to tell my lord, that I may find grace in thy sight.
⁶And the messengers returned to Jacob, saying, We came to thy brother Esau, and also he cometh to meet thee, and four hundred men with him.
⁷Then Jacob was greatly afraid and distressed: and he divided the people that was with him, and the flocks, and herds, and the camels, into two bands;
That's showing faith in the almighty , the one that is all knowing all seeing all powerful that has gone on record as having a covenant to guarantee a good life etc.
One thing I have noticed the god here doesn't promise this mythical afterlife we get told about as the collection plate is getting handed round today. Has god changed his mind or is somebody taxing the gullible ?
⁸And said, If Esau come to the one company, and smite it, then the other company which is left shall escape.
⁹And Jacob said, O God of my father Abraham, and God of my father Isaac, the LORD which saidst unto me, Return unto thy country, and to thy kindred, and I will deal well with thee:
¹⁰I am not worthy of the least of all the mercies, and of all the truth, which thou hast shewed unto thy servant; for with my staff I passed over this Jordan; and now I am become two bands.
Deep Purple and Whitesnake.
¹¹Deliver me, I pray thee, from the hand of my brother, from the hand of Esau: for I fear him, lest he will come and smite me, and the mother with the children.
Again he seem's to be more afraid of Esau than the fear demanding deity.
¹²And thou saidst, I will surely do thee good, and make thy seed as the sand of the sea, which cannot be numbered for multitude.
Yup ! He's shitting a brick.
¹³And he lodged there that same night; and took of that which came to his hand a present for Esau his brother;
¹⁴Two hundred she goats, and twenty he goats, two hundred ewes, and twenty rams,
¹⁵Thirty milch camels with their colts, forty kine, and ten bulls, twenty she asses, and ten foals.
I don't get how this works.
Jacob is gonna give Easau some of his shit hoping Esau won't kill him and take all of his shit. Knowing full well that Esau probably has not only not forgiven him for stealing his father's blessing but stewed about it for the last twenty years. So even if they do kiss and make up.......
¹⁶And he delivered them into the hand of his servants, every drove by themselves; and said unto his servants, Pass over before me, and put a space betwixt drove and drove.
¹⁷And he commanded the foremost, saying, When Esau my brother meeteth thee, and asketh thee, saying, Whose art thou? and whither goest thou? and whose are these before thee?
¹⁸Then thou shalt say, They be thy servant Jacob's; it is a present sent unto my lord Esau: and, behold, also he is behind us.
Where else would you expect a double dealing coward to be ?
¹⁹And so commanded he the second, and the third, and all that followed the droves, saying, On this manner shall ye speak unto Esau, when ye find him.
²⁰And say ye moreover, Behold, thy servant Jacob is behind us. For he said, I will appease him with the present that goeth before me, and afterward I will see his face; peradventure he will accept of me.
²¹So went the present over before him: and himself lodged that night in the company.
²²And he rose up that night, and took his two wives, and his two womenservants, and his eleven sons, and passed over the ford Jabbok.
ford Jabbok is that some kind of camel powered coupe.
²³And he took them, and sent them over the brook, and sent over that he had.
²⁴And Jacob was left alone; and there wrestled a man with him until the breaking of the day.
²⁵And when he saw that he prevailed not against him, he touched the hollow of his thigh; and the hollow of Jacob's thigh was out of joint, as he wrestled with him.
That's gotta be some real rough sex.
²⁶And he said, Let me go, for the day breaketh. And he said, I will not let thee go, except thou bless me.

So the all knowing almighty arsehole asks

²⁷And he said unto him, What is thy name? And he said, Jacob.
So tell me again what is wrong with same sex relationships, because theres only one reason that two guys are going to wrestle all night, and it aint for the love of god.Unless god is well oiled and has a hard on the size of Massachusetts. (Will the Bee Gees ever sound the same?)
²⁸And he said, Thy name shall be called no more Jacob, but Israel: for as a prince hast thou power with God and with men, and hast prevailed.

Which I have on good authority means ..........

.........swings both ways.

²⁹And Jacob asked him, and said, Tell me, I pray thee, thy name. And he said, Wherefore is it that thou dost ask after my name? And he blessed him there.
³⁰And Jacob called the name of the place Peniel: for I have seen God face to face, and my life is preserved.
³¹And as he passed over Peniel the sun rose upon him, and he halted upon his thigh.
Peniel ?
³²Therefore the children of Israel eat not of the sinew which shrank, which is upon the hollow of the thigh, unto this day: because he touched the hollow of Jacob's thigh in the sinew that shrank.
Peniel ? Certainly that's the only "sinew" I know of that shrinks after use.
Yup, No gay sex, not now not ever.........
So why do I see it actively encouraged ?

Genesis 12

Genesis 12

¹Now the LORD had said unto Abram, Get thee out of thy country, and from thy kindred, and from thy father's house, unto a land that I will shew thee:
So the last person God spoke to in person was Noah since then (over 1,000 years) he waits until Abram has with his parents trekked across to Haran get settled and tells him to move again. Leave yet another City they have been involved in building. Its not as if they could just call Pickfords and shoot over to this other land.
²And I will make of thee a great nation, and I will bless thee, and make thy name great; and thou shalt be a blessing:
³And I will bless them that bless thee, and curse him that curseth thee: and in thee shall all families of the earth be blessed.
Now God seems to think he is a Cheerleader.
⁴So Abram departed, as the LORD had spoken unto him; and Lot went with him: and Abram was seventy and five years old when he departed out of Haran.
⁵And Abram took Sarai his wife, and Lot his brother's son, and all their substance that they had gathered, and the souls that they had gotten in Haran; and they went forth to go into the land of Canaan; and into the land of Canaan they came.
⁶And Abram passed through the land unto the place of Sichem, unto the plain of Moreh. And the Canaanite was then in the land.
⁷And the LORD appeared unto Abram, and said, Unto thy seed will I give this land: and there builded he an altar unto the LORD, who appeared unto him.
So this 75 year old man has been told to up roots trek over the complete length of modern Syria with a wife not much younger.
⁸And he removed from thence unto a mountain on the east of Bethel, and pitched his tent, having Bethel on the west, and Hai on the east: and there he builded an altar unto the LORD, and called upon the name of the LORD.
⁹And Abram journeyed, going on still toward the south.
¹⁰And there was a famine in the land: and Abram went down into Egypt to sojourn there; for the famine was grievous in the land.
Sureley if God told him where to go and he had been that impressed or frightened of De Lawd that he was willing to walk over 500 miles (cue the proclaimers)over hot arid terrain .

1.On arrival Abram would have stayed put.

2.God would have wished him to be comfortable.

¹¹And it came to pass, when he was come near to enter into Egypt, that he said unto Sarai his wife, Behold now, I know that thou art a fair woman to look upon:
Are we now expected to believe Sarai is much younger than Abram I have always been taught she was in her sixties.
¹²Therefore it shall come to pass, when the Egyptians shall see thee, that they shall say, This is his wife: and they will kill me, but they will save thee alive.
Ah! I see it's not Sarai that's barren, it's Abram that can't get it up because he has no balls.
¹³Say, I pray thee, thou art my sister: that it may be well with me for thy sake; and my soul shall live because of thee.
¹⁴And it came to pass, that, when Abram was come into Egypt, the Egyptians beheld the woman that she was very fair.
¹⁵The princes also of Pharaoh saw her, and commended her before Pharaoh: and the woman was taken into Pharaoh's house.
¹⁶And he entreated Abram well for her sake: and he had sheep, and oxen, and he asses, and menservants, and maidservants, and she asses, and camels.
So Abram whored his wife out, after dragging her all that way. Nice man!
¹⁷And the LORD plagued Pharaoh and his house with great plagues because of Sarai Abram's wife.
Would it not have been easier and nicer to have ensured that the original destination was not in famine ?
¹⁸And Pharaoh called Abram and said, What is this that thou hast done unto me? why didst thou not tell me that she was thy wife?
Because he was a spineless turd and Pharoah was paying well for her services.
¹⁹Why saidst thou, She is my sister? so I might have taken her to me to wife: now therefore behold thy wife, take her, and go thy way.
²⁰And Pharaoh commanded his men concerning him: and they sent him away, and his wife, and all that he had.

Now correct me if I am wrong but I get the distinct impression that this God either coudn,t organise a piss up at a brewery or he is just a sadistic monster, and the great Abram father of the Jewish nation is just a weak willed, impotent abusive and sad little man.

Genesis 8

¹And God remembered Noah, and every living thing, and all the cattle that was with him in the ark: and God made a wind to pass over the earth, and the waters assuaged;
God forgot Noah ? You would think from his publicity that he was above things like absent mindedness. Mind you that must have been one hell of a fart.
²The fountains also of the deep and the windows of heaven were stopped, and the rain from heaven was restrained;
³And the waters returned from off the earth continually: and after the end of the hundred and fifty days the waters were abated.
⁴And the ark rested in the seventh month, on the seventeenth day of the month, upon the mountains of Ararat.
⁵And the waters decreased continually until the tenth month: in the tenth month, on the first day of the month, were the tops of the mountains seen.
⁶And it came to pass at the end of forty days, that Noah opened the window of the ark which he had made:
I wonder If the stench of the ark prepared them for the fug of our fathers fart. One does wonder that in a watertight environment with all those millions of occupants how .
1. They didn't suffocate.
2.They could see.
⁷And he sent forth a raven, which went forth to and fro, until the waters were dried up from off the earth.
⁸Also he sent forth a dove from him, to see if the waters were abated from off the face of the ground;
⁹But the dove found no rest for the sole of her foot, and she returned unto him into the ark, for the waters were on the face of the whole earth: then he put forth his hand, and took her, and pulled her in unto him into the ark.
Doves and pigeons are known for their "homing " abilities whereas Ravens are not that is assuming it survived IF it was a worldwide flood.
¹⁰And he stayed yet other seven days; and again he sent forth the dove out of the ark;
¹¹And the dove came in to him in the evening; and, lo, in her mouth was an olive leaf pluckt off: so Noah knew that the waters were abated from off the earth.
Must have been either a fast growing or highly resilient olive tree .
¹²And he stayed yet other seven days; and sent forth the dove; which returned not again unto him any more.
¹³And it came to pass in the six hundredth and first year, in the first month, the first day of the month, the waters were dried up from off the earth: and Noah removed the covering of the ark, and looked, and, behold, the face of the ground was dry.
¹⁴And in the second month, on the seven and twentieth day of the month, was the earth dried.
¹⁵And God spake unto Noah, saying,
¹⁶Go forth of the ark, thou, and thy wife, and thy sons, and thy sons' wives with thee.
¹⁷Bring forth with thee every living thing that is with thee, of all flesh, both of fowl, and of cattle, and of every creeping thing that creepeth upon the earth; that they may breed abundantly in the earth, and be fruitful, and multiply upon the earth.
¹⁸And Noah went forth, and his sons, and his wife, and his sons' wives with him:
¹⁹Every beast, every creeping thing, and every fowl, and whatsoever creepeth upon the earth, after their kinds, went forth out of the ark.
²⁰And Noah builded an altar unto the LORD; and took of every clean beast, and of every clean fowl, and offered burnt offerings on the altar.
So after going through months struggling to keep all these things alive, He sacrifices them to the arrogant, absent minded, spiteful twat that has killed all his freinds, destroyed his home, made him his wife and children breath the fetid, fecal, fug in a dark cramped enviorement.
²¹And the LORD smelled a sweet savour; and the LORD said in his heart, I will not again curse the ground any more for man's sake; for the imagination of man's heart is evil from his youth; neither will I again smite any more every thing living, as I have done.
²²While the earth remaineth, seedtime and harvest, and cold and heat, and summer and winter, and day and night shall not cease.
So let's recap
There's this enormous omniscient, omnipotent, omnipresent sky dude who existed before anything was anything.One day before there were days he got bored. So for his own entertainment he.....
1. Creates the universe, Light and dark.
2.Creates the earth , seas and all life on earth.
3.Creates the sun, forgets he has already created man and woman and creates another man. Who is wrongly referred to from now on as the first man. Using this man's newly created naievety, god forces this man to tend a garden, for nothing apart from a restricted diet. He then clones the gardener and performs a sex change on the clone.
4.Gives this newly formed clone for some reason an inability to follow orders, an urge to talk instead of a need to communicate and a shape that makes the man think with a different organ than the brain.
5.Is unaware that another of his creations is undermining his orders.
6.Cannot find the man and his clone.
7.Loses his temper when they follow the instincts he designed.
8.Shows favouritism, and again misses what one or two of a handful of people are doing.
9.Gets upset centuries later because people are not doing what he wanted.
10.Didn't see any of this coming.
11. Consistently blamed man for all of his own fuck ups.
Conclusion

At this time although he was powerful to create the earth and all living things his alleged foresight is strangely lacking otherwise he may have realized he would have been better off creating optometrists, massage parlours and prozac first.
There is much of God in all of humanity, not much humanity in God.

Genesis 7

¹And the LORD said unto Noah, Come thou and all thy house into the ark; for thee have I seen righteous before me in this generation.
²Of every clean beast thou shalt take to thee by sevens, the male and his female: and of beasts that are not clean by two, the male and his female.
³Of fowls also of the air by sevens, the male and the female; to keep seed alive upon the face of all the earth.
⁴For yet seven days, and I will cause it to rain upon the earth forty days and forty nights; and every living substance that I have made will I destroy from off the face of the earth.
Is this saying the ark was conceived, designed, materials ordered, delivered and constructed in seven days ? Even if it was already built it would take a team of navvies on meth to keep up with the build up of crap after the first six hours.Or has the old twat been at it since he was a young lad of a mere 500
⁵And Noah did according unto all that the LORD commanded him.
⁶And Noah was six hundred years old when the flood of waters was upon the earth.
By a six hundred year old man ! I am surprised he could remember his own name.
⁷And Noah went in, and his sons, and his wife, and his sons' wives with him, into the ark, because of the waters of the flood.
⁸Of clean beasts, and of beasts that are not clean, and of fowls, and of every thing that creepeth upon the earth,
All them nooks and crannies bet the were more than two spiders.
⁹There went in two and two unto Noah into the ark, the male and the female, as God had commanded Noah.
From all over the world ? One things for sure they weren’t using TNT or AmEx for shipping.
¹⁰And it came to pass after seven days, that the waters of the flood were upon the earth.
And loaded ?
¹¹In the six hundredth year of Noah's life, in the second month, the seventeenth day of the month, the same day were all the fountains of the great deep broken up, and the windows of heaven were opened.
¹²And the rain was upon the earth forty days and forty nights.
¹³In the selfsame day entered Noah, and Shem, and Ham, and Japheth, the sons of Noah, and Noah's wife, and the three wives of his sons with them, into the ark;
¹⁴They, and every beast after his kind, and all the cattle after their kind, and every creeping thing that creepeth upon the earth after his kind, and every fowl after his kind, every bird of every sort.
¹⁵And they went in unto Noah into the ark, two and two of all flesh, wherein is the breath of life.
¹⁶And they that went in, went in male and female of all flesh, as God had commanded him: and the LORD shut him in.
Is this except the giants ?
¹⁷And the flood was forty days upon the earth; and the waters increased, and bare up the ark, and it was lift up above the earth.
¹⁸And the waters prevailed, and were increased greatly upon the earth; and the ark went upon the face of the waters.
¹⁹And the waters prevailed exceedingly upon the earth; and all the high hills, that were under the whole heaven, were covered.
²⁰Fifteen cubits upward did the waters prevail; and the mountains were covered.
I am sure the Ark had a depth of 30 cubits, loaded up with all those animals would there be enough displacement for it to float. Have Mountains grown ,15 cubits wouldn’t cover the mountains in Norfolk.(England)
²¹And all flesh died that moved upon the earth, both of fowl, and of cattle, and of beast, and of every creeping thing that creepeth upon the earth, and every man:
²²All in whose nostrils was the breath of life, of all that was in the dry land, died.
²³And every living substance was destroyed which was upon the face of the ground, both man, and cattle, and the creeping things, and the fowl of the heaven; and they were destroyed from the earth: and Noah only remained alive, and they that were with him in the ark.
²⁴And the waters prevailed upon the earth an hundred and fifty days.
This is all really dramatic but surely an entity that could wish the universe into existence in seven days, just wish the bad bunnies out of existence or create a disease that only affected the evil things or just made them sterile. Oh sorry I forgot it’s because he gets his jollies from punishment.
Is JHWH some how an ancient word for BDSM ?

Genisis 6

¹And it came to pass, when men began to multiply on the face of the earth, and daughters were born unto them,
I could point out that the "men" are the ones breeding but men has to mean humans so no more gay jokes.
²That the sons of God saw the daughters of men that they were fair; and they took them wives of all which they chose.
Umm! God had sons? They don't teach us that one. Does that not imply
1. There is at least one Mrs God.
2.Therefore Goddess(es)
3.There must be more Gods even if they are his sons
4. I know we havn't got anywhere near the new testement yet but is there not a line that says something about Gods only Begotten son?
³And the LORD said, My spirit shall not always strive with man, for that he also is flesh: yet his days shall be an hundred and twenty years.
So God IS Flesh
⁴There were giants in the earth in those days; and also after that, when the sons of God came in unto the daughters of men, and they bare children to them, the same became mighty men which were of old, men of renown.
Fair enough mongrels are genetically superior to pedigrees
⁵And God saw that the wickedness of man was great in the earth, and that every imagination of the thoughts of his heart was only evil continually.
⁶And it repented the LORD that he had made man on the earth, and it grieved him at his heart.
That omniscience is really not what it's made out to be is it
⁷And the LORD said, I will destroy man whom I have created from the face of the earth; both man, and beast, and the creeping thing, and the fowls of the air; for it repenteth me that I have made them.
Beware the evil Bunny his fluffyness will cause you to kill and rape and eat chocolate eggs to celebrate the third full moon following the winter solstice
⁸But Noah found grace in the eyes of the LORD.
"Grace get out of gods eyes......bad dog"
⁹These are the generations of Noah: Noah was a just man and perfect in his generations, and Noah walked with God.
¹⁰And Noah begat three sons, Shem, Ham, and Japheth.
From God?
¹¹The earth also was corrupt before God, and the earth was filled with violence.
¹²And God looked upon the earth, and, behold, it was corrupt; for all flesh had corrupted his way upon the earth.
¹³And God said unto Noah, The end of all flesh is come before me; for the earth is filled with violence through them; and, behold, I will destroy them with the earth.

This is a bit extreme to say the least, Ive had shit in my eye and it hurts and having a whole dog in your eye has to be far from pleasant. Kick the dog zap it with lightning understandable but drowning mr and mrs cheesemaker over in basingstoke , not their dog not their doing ¹⁴Make thee an ark of gopher wood; rooms shalt thou make in the ark, and shalt pitch it within and without with pitch.
¹⁵And this is the fashion which thou shalt make it of: The length of the ark shall be three hundred cubits, the breadth of it fifty cubits, and the height of it thirty cubits.
¹⁶A window shalt thou make to the ark, and in a cubit shalt thou finish it above; and the door of the ark shalt thou set in the side thereof; with lower, second, and third stories shalt thou make it.
¹⁷And, behold, I, even I, do bring a flood of waters upon the earth, to destroy all flesh, wherein is the breath of life, from under heaven; and every thing that is in the earth shall die.
¹⁸But with thee will I establish my covenant; and thou shalt come into the ark, thou, and thy sons, and thy wife, and thy sons' wives with thee.
¹⁹And of every living thing of all flesh, two of every sort shalt thou bring into the ark, to keep them alive with thee; they shall be male and female.
I will concede that in the bronze age that was a big boat . But seriously Ithink it would be a tight squeeze to get all species of bugs let alone elephants and giraffes.
What about food never mind what food becomes after going through animals.And no matter how you try the animals are not going to form an orderly queue to crap over the side. One window one cubit square how is anything going to breathe ?
^20.Of fowls after their kind, and of cattle after their kind, of every creeping thing of the earth after his kind, two of every sort shall come unto thee, to keep them alive.
²¹And take thou unto thee of all food that is eaten, and thou shalt gather it to thee; and it shall be for food for thee, and for them.²²Thus did Noah; according to all that God commanded him, so did he.

Genesis 5

1This is the book of the generations of Adam. In the day that God created man, in the likeness of God made he him; 2Male and female created he them; and blessed them, and called their name Adam, in the day when they were created. 3And Adam lived an hundred and thirty years, and begat a son in his own likeness, and after his image; and called his name Seth: 4And the days of Adam after he had begotten Seth were eight hundred years: and he begat sons and daughters: 5And all the days that Adam lived were nine hundred and thirty years: and he died. 6And Seth lived an hundred and five years, and begat Enos: 7And Seth lived after he begat Enos eight hundred and seven years, and begat sons and daughters: 8And all the days of Seth were nine hundred and twelve years: and he died.
9And Enos lived ninety years, and begat Cainan: 10And Enos lived after he begat Cainan eight hundred and fifteen years, and begat sons and daughters: 11And all the days of Enos were nine hundred and five years: and he died. 12And Cainan lived seventy years and begat Mahalaleel: 13And Cainan lived after he begat Mahalaleel eight hundred and forty years, and begat sons and daughters: 14And all the days of Cainan were nine hundred and ten years: and he died. 15And Mahalaleel lived sixty and five years, and begat Jared: 16And Mahalaleel lived after he begat Jared eight hundred and thirty years, and begat sons and daughters: 17And all the days of Mahalaleel were eight hundred ninety and five years: and he died. 18And Jared lived an hundred sixty and two years, and he begat Enoch: 19And Jared lived after he begat Enoch eight hundred years, and begat sons and daughters: 20And all the days of Jared were nine hundred sixty and two years: and he died. 21And Enoch lived sixty and five years, and begat Methuselah: 22And Enoch walked with God after he begat Methuselah three hundred years, and begat sons and daughters: 23And all the days of Enoch were three hundred sixty and five years: 24And Enoch walked with God: and he was not; for God took him. 25And Methuselah lived an hundred eighty and seven years, and begat Lamech. 26And Methuselah lived after he begat Lamech seven hundred eighty and two years, and begat sons and daughters: 27And all the days of Methuselah were nine hundred sixty and nine years: and he died. 28And Lamech lived an hundred eighty and two years, and begat a son: 29And he called his name Noah, saying, This same shall comfort us concerning our work and toil of our hands, because of the ground which the LORD hath cursed. 30And Lamech lived after he begat Noah five hundred ninety and five years, and begat sons and daughters: 31And all the days of Lamech were seven hundred seventy and seven years: and he died.
32And Noah was five hundred years old: and Noah begat Shem, Ham, and Japheth.
There we have it a list of people living to apparently incredible ages and being sexually active well past their sell by date. This is as far as we know completely unheard of, one of the things creationists use to support their fallacy. Including the 6,000 year age of earth. So is it true ? The Answer quite simply a big NO!!
Why?
Well it seems that the ancient people needed to exaggerate the ages of their ancestors. Perhaps some thing to do with your position in society, take a look at the Sumerian King list.

The surviving clay tablet was dated by the scribe who wrote it in the reign of King Utukhegal of Erech (Uruk), which places it around 2125 B.C.E

---

"After kingship had descended from heaven, Eridu became the seat of kingship. In Eridu Aululim reigned 28,800 years as king. Alalgar reigned 36,000 years. Two kings, reigned 64,800 years. Eridu was abandoned and its kingship was carried off to Bad-tabira. . . .

"Total: Five Cities, eight kings, reigned 241,200 years.

It does continue I will be lookikng at it again later.
There are other fragments dating much older from other copies but all copies essentially steming back to one source.

Genesis 3

[1] Now the serpent was more subtil than any beast of the field which the LORD God had made.

Amazing how not having hooves or a loud bark aids subtlety

And he said unto the woman, Yea, hath God said, Ye shall not eat of every tree of the garden?
[2] And the woman said unto the serpent, We may eat of the fruit of the trees of the garden:
[3] But of the fruit of the tree which is in the midst of the garden, God hath said, Ye shall not eat of it, neither shall ye touch it, lest ye die.
[4] And the serpent said unto the woman, Ye shall not surely die:
[5] For God doth know that in the day ye eat thereof, then your eyes shall be opened, and ye shall be as gods, knowing good and evil.
[6] And when the woman saw that the tree was good for food, and that it was pleasant to the eyes, and a tree to be desired to make one wise, she took of the fruit thereof, and did eat, and gave also unto her husband with her; and he did eat.

I thought this was the "original sin" but think about it "Steve" was now alledgedly a woman.More than most "as god made her" and as with women today, nosey , disobedient and untrusting but sometimes easily lead. Really she could not have done anything else.

[7] And the eyes of them both were opened, and they knew that they were naked; and they sewed fig leaves together, and made themselves aprons.
[8] And they heard the voice of the LORD God walking in the garden in the cool of the day: and Adam and his wife hid themselves from the presence of the LORD God amongst the trees of the garden.
[9] And the LORD God called unto Adam, and said unto him, Where art thou?

Was god not omniscient back then?

[10] And he said, I heard thy voice in the garden, and I was afraid, because I was naked; and I hid myself.
[11] And he said, Who told thee that thou wast naked? Hast thou eaten of the tree, whereof I commanded thee that thou shouldest not eat?

Again was god not omniscient back then?

[12] And the man said, The woman whom thou gavest to be with me, she gave me of the tree, and I did eat.

And the man following his true nature blames the woman.

[13] And the LORD God said unto the woman, What is this that thou hast done? And the woman said, The serpent beguiled me, and I did eat.

In case you have ever wondered proof she was blonde. Who else would come out with a Talking Snake told me to do it, excuse?

[14] And the LORD God said unto the serpent, Because thou hast done this, thou art cursed above all cattle, and above every beast of the field; upon thy belly shalt thou go, and dust shalt thou eat all the days of thy life:

Would I be wrong in thinking many snakes live in or at least spend alot of time in trees[15] And I will put enmity between thee and the woman, and between thy seed and her seed; it shall bruise thy head, and thou shalt bruise his heel.
[16] Unto the woman he said, I will greatly multiply thy sorrow and thy conception; in sorrow thou shalt bring forth children; and thy desire shall be to thy husband, and he shall rule over thee.
[17] And unto Adam he said, Because thou hast hearkened unto the voice of thy wife, and hast eaten of the tree, of which I commanded thee, saying, Thou shalt not eat of it: cursed is the ground for thy sake; in sorrow shalt thou eat of it all the days of thy life;

Is this saying the tree of lifes forbidden fruit becomes a staple?

18] Thorns also and thistles shall it bring forth to thee; and thou shalt eat the herb of the field;
[19] In the sweat of thy face shalt thou eat bread, till thou return unto the ground; for out of it wast thou taken: for dust thou art, and unto dust shalt thou return.
[20] And Adam called his wife's name Eve; because she was the mother of all living.
[21] Unto Adam also and to his wife did the LORD God make coats of skins, and clothed them.

Just a quick question We have already discovered human nature plays a big part in this story.But we have to assume it happened within 9 months of (st)eves creation as there are no kids.Are ther any good parents out there which would expect a child with less than 9 months experience to be severly punished for eating something they had been told not to.Are ther any good parents out there that would allow aforesaid child the circumstances to achieve this ?

[22] And the LORD God said, Behold, the man is become as one of us, to know good and evil: and now, lest he put forth his hand, and take also of the tree of life, and eat, and live for ever:
[23] Therefore the LORD God sent him forth from the garden of Eden, to till the ground from whence he was taken.
[24] So he drove out the man; and he placed at the east of the garden of Eden Cherubims, and a flaming sword which turned every way, to keep the way of the tree of life.