Genesis 8

¹And God remembered Noah, and every living thing, and all the cattle that was with him in the ark: and God made a wind to pass over the earth, and the waters assuaged;
God forgot Noah ? You would think from his publicity that he was above things like absent mindedness. Mind you that must have been one hell of a fart.
²The fountains also of the deep and the windows of heaven were stopped, and the rain from heaven was restrained;
³And the waters returned from off the earth continually: and after the end of the hundred and fifty days the waters were abated.
⁴And the ark rested in the seventh month, on the seventeenth day of the month, upon the mountains of Ararat.
⁵And the waters decreased continually until the tenth month: in the tenth month, on the first day of the month, were the tops of the mountains seen.
⁶And it came to pass at the end of forty days, that Noah opened the window of the ark which he had made:
I wonder If the stench of the ark prepared them for the fug of our fathers fart. One does wonder that in a watertight environment with all those millions of occupants how .
1. They didn't suffocate.
2.They could see.
⁷And he sent forth a raven, which went forth to and fro, until the waters were dried up from off the earth.
⁸Also he sent forth a dove from him, to see if the waters were abated from off the face of the ground;
⁹But the dove found no rest for the sole of her foot, and she returned unto him into the ark, for the waters were on the face of the whole earth: then he put forth his hand, and took her, and pulled her in unto him into the ark.
Doves and pigeons are known for their "homing " abilities whereas Ravens are not that is assuming it survived IF it was a worldwide flood.
¹⁰And he stayed yet other seven days; and again he sent forth the dove out of the ark;
¹¹And the dove came in to him in the evening; and, lo, in her mouth was an olive leaf pluckt off: so Noah knew that the waters were abated from off the earth.
Must have been either a fast growing or highly resilient olive tree .
¹²And he stayed yet other seven days; and sent forth the dove; which returned not again unto him any more.
¹³And it came to pass in the six hundredth and first year, in the first month, the first day of the month, the waters were dried up from off the earth: and Noah removed the covering of the ark, and looked, and, behold, the face of the ground was dry.
¹⁴And in the second month, on the seven and twentieth day of the month, was the earth dried.
¹⁵And God spake unto Noah, saying,
¹⁶Go forth of the ark, thou, and thy wife, and thy sons, and thy sons' wives with thee.
¹⁷Bring forth with thee every living thing that is with thee, of all flesh, both of fowl, and of cattle, and of every creeping thing that creepeth upon the earth; that they may breed abundantly in the earth, and be fruitful, and multiply upon the earth.
¹⁸And Noah went forth, and his sons, and his wife, and his sons' wives with him:
¹⁹Every beast, every creeping thing, and every fowl, and whatsoever creepeth upon the earth, after their kinds, went forth out of the ark.
²⁰And Noah builded an altar unto the LORD; and took of every clean beast, and of every clean fowl, and offered burnt offerings on the altar.
So after going through months struggling to keep all these things alive, He sacrifices them to the arrogant, absent minded, spiteful twat that has killed all his freinds, destroyed his home, made him his wife and children breath the fetid, fecal, fug in a dark cramped enviorement.
²¹And the LORD smelled a sweet savour; and the LORD said in his heart, I will not again curse the ground any more for man's sake; for the imagination of man's heart is evil from his youth; neither will I again smite any more every thing living, as I have done.
²²While the earth remaineth, seedtime and harvest, and cold and heat, and summer and winter, and day and night shall not cease.
So let's recap
There's this enormous omniscient, omnipotent, omnipresent sky dude who existed before anything was anything.One day before there were days he got bored. So for his own entertainment he.....
1. Creates the universe, Light and dark.
2.Creates the earth , seas and all life on earth.
3.Creates the sun, forgets he has already created man and woman and creates another man. Who is wrongly referred to from now on as the first man. Using this man's newly created naievety, god forces this man to tend a garden, for nothing apart from a restricted diet. He then clones the gardener and performs a sex change on the clone.
4.Gives this newly formed clone for some reason an inability to follow orders, an urge to talk instead of a need to communicate and a shape that makes the man think with a different organ than the brain.
5.Is unaware that another of his creations is undermining his orders.
6.Cannot find the man and his clone.
7.Loses his temper when they follow the instincts he designed.
8.Shows favouritism, and again misses what one or two of a handful of people are doing.
9.Gets upset centuries later because people are not doing what he wanted.
10.Didn't see any of this coming.
11. Consistently blamed man for all of his own fuck ups.
Conclusion

At this time although he was powerful to create the earth and all living things his alleged foresight is strangely lacking otherwise he may have realized he would have been better off creating optometrists, massage parlours and prozac first.
There is much of God in all of humanity, not much humanity in God.

Genisis 6

¹And it came to pass, when men began to multiply on the face of the earth, and daughters were born unto them,
I could point out that the "men" are the ones breeding but men has to mean humans so no more gay jokes.
²That the sons of God saw the daughters of men that they were fair; and they took them wives of all which they chose.
Umm! God had sons? They don't teach us that one. Does that not imply
1. There is at least one Mrs God.
2.Therefore Goddess(es)
3.There must be more Gods even if they are his sons
4. I know we havn't got anywhere near the new testement yet but is there not a line that says something about Gods only Begotten son?
³And the LORD said, My spirit shall not always strive with man, for that he also is flesh: yet his days shall be an hundred and twenty years.
So God IS Flesh
⁴There were giants in the earth in those days; and also after that, when the sons of God came in unto the daughters of men, and they bare children to them, the same became mighty men which were of old, men of renown.
Fair enough mongrels are genetically superior to pedigrees
⁵And God saw that the wickedness of man was great in the earth, and that every imagination of the thoughts of his heart was only evil continually.
⁶And it repented the LORD that he had made man on the earth, and it grieved him at his heart.
That omniscience is really not what it's made out to be is it
⁷And the LORD said, I will destroy man whom I have created from the face of the earth; both man, and beast, and the creeping thing, and the fowls of the air; for it repenteth me that I have made them.
Beware the evil Bunny his fluffyness will cause you to kill and rape and eat chocolate eggs to celebrate the third full moon following the winter solstice
⁸But Noah found grace in the eyes of the LORD.
"Grace get out of gods eyes......bad dog"
⁹These are the generations of Noah: Noah was a just man and perfect in his generations, and Noah walked with God.
¹⁰And Noah begat three sons, Shem, Ham, and Japheth.
From God?
¹¹The earth also was corrupt before God, and the earth was filled with violence.
¹²And God looked upon the earth, and, behold, it was corrupt; for all flesh had corrupted his way upon the earth.
¹³And God said unto Noah, The end of all flesh is come before me; for the earth is filled with violence through them; and, behold, I will destroy them with the earth.

This is a bit extreme to say the least, Ive had shit in my eye and it hurts and having a whole dog in your eye has to be far from pleasant. Kick the dog zap it with lightning understandable but drowning mr and mrs cheesemaker over in basingstoke , not their dog not their doing ¹⁴Make thee an ark of gopher wood; rooms shalt thou make in the ark, and shalt pitch it within and without with pitch.
¹⁵And this is the fashion which thou shalt make it of: The length of the ark shall be three hundred cubits, the breadth of it fifty cubits, and the height of it thirty cubits.
¹⁶A window shalt thou make to the ark, and in a cubit shalt thou finish it above; and the door of the ark shalt thou set in the side thereof; with lower, second, and third stories shalt thou make it.
¹⁷And, behold, I, even I, do bring a flood of waters upon the earth, to destroy all flesh, wherein is the breath of life, from under heaven; and every thing that is in the earth shall die.
¹⁸But with thee will I establish my covenant; and thou shalt come into the ark, thou, and thy sons, and thy wife, and thy sons' wives with thee.
¹⁹And of every living thing of all flesh, two of every sort shalt thou bring into the ark, to keep them alive with thee; they shall be male and female.
I will concede that in the bronze age that was a big boat . But seriously Ithink it would be a tight squeeze to get all species of bugs let alone elephants and giraffes.
What about food never mind what food becomes after going through animals.And no matter how you try the animals are not going to form an orderly queue to crap over the side. One window one cubit square how is anything going to breathe ?
^20.Of fowls after their kind, and of cattle after their kind, of every creeping thing of the earth after his kind, two of every sort shall come unto thee, to keep them alive.
²¹And take thou unto thee of all food that is eaten, and thou shalt gather it to thee; and it shall be for food for thee, and for them.²²Thus did Noah; according to all that God commanded him, so did he.

Genesis 2

Genesis 2

¹Thus the heavens and the earth were finished, and all the host of them.
²And on the seventh day God ended his work which he had made; and he rested on the seventh day from all his work which he had made.
³And God blessed the seventh day, and sanctified it: because that in it he had rested from all his work which God created and made.
⁴These are the generations of the heavens and of the earth when they were created, in the day that the LORD God made the earth and the heavens,
⁵And every plant of the field before it was in the earth, and every herb of the field before it grew: for the LORD God had not caused it to rain upon the earth, and there was not a man to till the ground.
⁶But there went up a mist from the earth, and watered the whole face of the ground.
⁷And the LORD God formed man of the dust of the ground, and breathed into his nostrils the breath of life; and man became a living soul.

Is this in addition to the couple he made last week?

⁸And the LORD God planted a garden eastward in Eden; and there he put the man whom he had formed.
⁹And out of the ground made the LORD God to grow every tree that is pleasant to the sight, and good for food; the tree of life also in the midst of the garden, and the tree of knowledge of good and evil.

Does that include the lofty pine and what about the larch?

¹⁰And a river went out of Eden to water the garden; and from thence it was parted, and became into four heads.
¹¹The name of the first is Pison: that is it which compasseth the whole land of Havilah, where there is gold;

Gold? What the hell would he want that for?

¹²And the gold of that land is good: there is bdellium and the onyx stone.
¹³And the name of the second river is Gihon: the same is it that compasseth the whole land of Ethiopia.
¹⁴And the name of the third river is Hiddekel: that is it which goeth toward the east of Assyria. And the fourth river is Euphrates.
¹⁵And the LORD God took the man, and put him into the garden of Eden to dress it and to keep it.
¹⁶And the LORD God commanded the man, saying, Of every tree of the garden thou mayest freely eat:
¹⁷But of the tree of the knowledge of good and evil, thou shalt not eat of it: for in the day that thou eatest thereof thou shalt surely die.

Is this a friendly warning or a threat? He never mentioned anything about the possibility of getting his dangly bits caught in the shears.

¹⁸And the LORD God said, It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him an help meet for him.
¹⁹And out of the ground the LORD God formed every beast of the field, and every fowl of the air; and brought them unto Adam to see what he would call them: and whatsoever Adam called every living creature, that was the name thereof.

Not a wise move he already came up with bdellium and heddekal for what we now call hard and wet respectively.

²⁰And Adam gave names to all cattle, and to the fowl of the air, and to every beast of the field; but for Adam there was not found an help meet for him.
²¹And the LORD God caused a deep sleep to fall upon Adam, and he slept: and he took one of his ribs, and closed up the flesh instead thereof;

So why not just make her out of the ground like all the other animals? Whereas this seems more like some cloning type thing. Hang on, grown from a male rib the clone would be male too. Thats basic genetics so it was Adam and Steve.

²²And the rib, which the LORD God had taken from man, made he a woman, and brought her unto the man.

They never told me what they removed from Steve. I suppose technically it wasn't gay sex it would be masturbation. That's why the Human race are a bunch of wankers.

²³And Adam said, This is now bone of my bones, and flesh of my flesh: she shall be called Woman, because she was taken out of Man.
²⁴Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh.

How does he know what a father and mother is ?

²⁵And they were both naked, the man and his wife, and were not ashamed.

So these other people he made in the first week ? Were they too stuck up to fraternise with the gardener