Judges 9

¹And Abimelech the son of Jerubbaal went to Shechem unto his mother's brethren, and communed with them, and with all the family of the house of his mother's father, saying,

²Speak, I pray you, in the ears of all the men of Shechem, Whether is better for you, either that all the sons of Jerubbaal, which are threescore and ten persons, reign over you, or that one reign over you? remember also that I am your bone and your flesh.

³And his mother's brethren spake of him in the ears of all the men of Shechem all these words: and their hearts inclined to follow Abimelech; for they said, He is our brother.

⁴And they gave him threescore and ten pieces of silver out of the house of Baalberith, wherewith Abimelech hired vain and light persons, which followed him.

⁵And he went unto his father's house at Ophrah, and slew his brethren the sons of Jerubbaal, being threescore and ten persons, upon one stone: notwithstanding yet Jotham the youngest son of Jerubbaal was left; for he hid himself.

So Abimelech asks his "brothers" to support his claim to be king which they do. He then repays their support by having them killed.

I can just see him now proclaiming "No New Axes"

⁶And all the men of Shechem gathered together, and all the house of Millo, and went, and made Abimelech king, by the plain of the pillar that was in Shechem.

⁷And when they told it to Jotham, he went and stood in the top of mount Gerizim, and lifted up his voice, and cried, and said unto them, Hearken unto me, ye men of Shechem, that God may hearken unto you.

Ah Jotham hiding in plain sight and in his grief.....

⁸The trees went forth on a time to anoint a king over them; and they said unto the olive tree, Reign thou over us.

⁹But the olive tree said unto them, Should I leave my fatness, wherewith by me they honour God and man, and go to be promoted over the trees?

¹⁰And the trees said to the fig tree, Come thou, and reign over us.

¹¹But the fig tree said unto them, Should I forsake my sweetness, and my good fruit, and go to be promoted over the trees?

¹²Then said the trees unto the vine, Come thou, and reign over us.

¹³And the vine said unto them, Should I leave my wine, which cheereth God and man, and go to be promoted over the trees?

¹⁴Then said all the trees unto the bramble, Come thou, and reign over us.

¹⁵And the bramble said unto the trees, If in truth ye anoint me king over you, then come and put your trust in my shadow: and if not, let fire come out of the bramble, and devour the cedars of Lebanon.

...........rambles on about brambles

¹⁶Now therefore, if ye have done truly and sincerely, in that ye have made Abimelech king, and if ye have dealt well with Jerubbaal and his house, and have done unto him according to the deserving of his hands;

¹⁷(For my father fought for you, and adventured his life far, and delivered you out of the hand of Midian:

¹⁸And ye are risen up against my father's house this day, and have slain his sons, threescore and ten persons, upon one stone, and have made Abimelech, the son of his maidservant, king over the men of Shechem, because he is your brother;)

"the son of his maidservant" You mean he was a bastard ? Duet 23
contains many reasons why Abimelech should not be king

¹⁹If ye then have dealt truly and sincerely with Jerubbaal and with his house this day, then rejoice ye in Abimelech, and let him also rejoice in you:

²⁰But if not, let fire come out from Abimelech, and devour the men of Shechem, and the house of Millo; and let fire come out from the men of Shechem, and from the house of Millo, and devour Abimelech.

²¹And Jotham ran away, and fled, and went to Beer, and dwelt there, for fear of Abimelech his brother.

Mmmmmmm Beer!

²²When Abimelech had reigned three years over Israel,

²³Then God sent an evil spirit between Abimelech and the men of Shechem; and the men of Shechem dealt treacherously with Abimelech:

I think this verse means they had enough of his shit

²⁴That the cruelty done to the threescore and ten sons of Jerubbaal might come, and their blood be laid upon Abimelech their brother, which slew them; and upon the men of Shechem, which aided him in the killing of his brethren.

²⁵And the men of Shechem set liers in wait for him in the top of the mountains, and they robbed all that came along that way by them: and it was told Abimelech.

²⁶And Gaal the son of Ebed came with his brethren, and went over to Shechem: and the men of Shechem put their confidence in him.

²⁷And they went out into the fields, and gathered their vineyards, and trode the grapes, and made merry, and went into the house of their god, and did eat and drink, and cursed Abimelech.

²⁸And Gaal the son of Ebed said, Who is Abimelech, and who is Shechem, that we should serve him? is not he the son of Jerubbaal? and Zebul his officer? serve the men of Hamor the father of Shechem: for why should we serve him?

Who indeed is Abimelech ? I am wondering whether this is a myth within a myth. There is no reason to think other than a repetition of names, apart from the famine and the overthrown king

²⁹And would to God this people were under my hand! then would I remove Abimelech. And he said to Abimelech, Increase thine army, and come out.

³⁰And when Zebul the ruler of the city heard the words of Gaal the son of Ebed, his anger was kindled.

³¹And he sent messengers unto Abimelech privily, saying, Behold, Gaal the son of Ebed and his brethren be come to Shechem; and, behold, they fortify the city against thee.

³²Now therefore up by night, thou and the people that is with thee, and lie in wait in the field:

³³And it shall be, that in the morning, as soon as the sun is up, thou shalt rise early, and set upon the city: and, behold, when he and the people that is with him come out against thee, then mayest thou do to them as thou shalt find occasion.

It never ceases to amaze me, that a people that allegedly place so much importance on the so called laws of god and Moses can so easily forget them when things are not going the way they would like

³⁴And Abimelech rose up, and all the people that were with him, by night, and they laid wait against Shechem in four companies.

³⁵And Gaal the son of Ebed went out, and stood in the entering of the gate of the city: and Abimelech rose up, and the people that were with him, from lying in wait.

³⁶And when Gaal saw the people, he said to Zebul, Behold, there come people down from the top of the mountains. And Zebul said unto him, Thou seest the shadow of the mountains as if they were men.

³⁷And Gaal spake again, and said, See there come people down by the middle of the land, and another company come along by the plain of Meonenim.

³⁸Then said Zebul unto him, Where is now thy mouth, wherewith thou saidst, Who is Abimelech, that we should serve him? is not this the people that thou hast despised? go out, I pray now, and fight with them.

³⁹And Gaal went out before the men of Shechem, and fought with Abimelech.

⁴⁰And Abimelech chased him, and he fled before him, and many were overthrown and wounded, even unto the entering of the gate.

⁴¹And Abimelech dwelt at Arumah: and Zebul thrust out Gaal and his brethren, that they should not dwell in Shechem.

⁴²And it came to pass on the morrow, that the people went out into the field; and they told Abimelech.

⁴³And he took the people, and divided them into three companies, and laid wait in the field, and looked, and, behold, the people were come forth out of the city; and he rose up against them, and smote them.

⁴⁴And Abimelech, and the company that was with him, rushed forward, and stood in the entering of the gate of the city: and the two other companies ran upon all the people that were in the fields, and slew them.

⁴⁵And Abimelech fought against the city all that day; and he took the city, and slew the people that was therein, and beat down the city, and sowed it with salt.

⁴⁶And when all the men of the tower of Shechem heard that, they entered into an hold of the house of the god Berith.

That is the god Berith ;again the bible says other gods

⁴⁷And it was told Abimelech, that all the men of the tower of Shechem were gathered together.

⁴⁸And Abimelech gat him up to mount Zalmon, he and all the people that were with him; and Abimelech took an axe in his hand, and cut down a bough from the trees, and took it, and laid it on his shoulder, and said unto the people that were with him, What ye have seen me do, make haste, and do as I have done.

⁴⁹And all the people likewise cut down every man his bough, and followed Abimelech, and put them to the hold, and set the hold on fire upon them; so that all the men of the tower of Shechem died also, about a thousand men and women.

⁵⁰Then went Abimelech to Thebez, and encamped against Thebez, and took it.

⁵¹But there was a strong tower within the city, and thither fled all the men and women, and all they of the city, and shut it to them, and gat them up to the top of the tower.

⁵²And Abimelech came unto the tower, and fought against it, and went hard unto the door of the tower to burn it with fire.

⁵³And a certain woman cast a piece of a millstone upon Abimelech's head, and all to brake his skull.

⁵⁴Then he called hastily unto the young man his armourbearer, and said unto him, Draw thy sword, and slay me, that men say not of me, A women slew him. And his young man thrust him through, and he died.

Well I'll be buggered! After getting stoned by a woman, his dying wish was to be penetrated by a man.

⁵⁵And when the men of Israel saw that Abimelech was dead, they departed every man unto his place.

⁵⁶Thus God rendered the wickedness of Abimelech, which he did unto his father, in slaying his seventy brethren:

⁵⁷And all the evil of the men of Shechem did God render upon their heads: and upon them came the curse of Jotham the son of Jerubbaal.

Genesis 26

Genesis 26

¹And there was a famine in the land, beside the first famine that was in the days of Abraham. And Isaac went unto Abimelech king of the Philistines unto Gerar.
So Abimelech must be getting on a bit now, at least a century I'd guess.
Wonder if he can remember shagging Isaac's mother when she was nearly as old as he is now.
²And the LORD appeared unto him, and said, Go not down into Egypt; dwell in the land which I shall tell thee of:
You gotta wonder what old Abbey is dishing up after dinner instead of after eights.
Did peyote grow in the middle east it would explain a lot.
³Sojourn in this land, and I will be with thee, and will bless thee; for unto thee, and unto thy seed, I will give all these countries, and I will perform the oath which I sware unto Abraham thy father;
⁴And I will make thy seed to multiply as the stars of heaven, and will give unto thy seed all these countries; and in thy seed shall all the nations of the earth be blessed;
Is he suggesting a sperm bank or telling him to swallow not gargle ?
⁵Because that Abraham obeyed my voice, and kept my charge, my commandments, my statutes, and my laws.

By being a misogynist, pimp, bad father, lying, cheating and generally being a bastard just like his heavenly father.
⁶And Isaac dwelt in Gerar:
⁷And the men of the place asked him of his wife; and he said, She is my sister: for he feared to say, She is my wife; lest, said he, the men of the place should kill me for Rebekah; because she was fair to look upon.

I didn't get this logic when Abraham used it or when he used it a second time and now we hearing it again. Its bullshit or a song.
⁸And it came to pass, when he had been there a long time, that Abimelech king of the Philistines looked out at a window, and saw, and, behold, Isaac was sporting with Rebekah his wife.
Playing football,hockey c'mon you mean fucking dont you ?
⁹And Abimelech called Isaac, and said, Behold, of a surety she is thy wife; and how saidst thou, She is my sister? And Isaac said unto him, Because I said, Lest I die for her.
¹⁰And Abimelech said, What is this thou hast done unto us? one of the people might lightly have lien with thy wife, and thou shouldest have brought guiltiness upon us.
So he does remember shafting Sarah.
¹¹And Abimelech charged all his people, saying, He that toucheth this man or his wife shall surely be put to death.
Because he knew if the tabloids found out that someone had had a nibble on his bastard son's wife...........
¹²Then Isaac sowed in that land, and received in the same year an hundredfold: and the LORD blessed him.
All that bullshit made good fertilizer.
¹³And the man waxed great, and went forward, and grew until he became very great:
Is Abimelech still watching them "spurt".
¹⁴For he had possession of flocks, and possession of herds, and great store of servants: and the Philistines envied him.

¹⁵For all the wells which his father's servants had digged in the days of Abraham his father, the Philistines had stopped them, and filled them with earth.
¹⁶And Abimelech said unto Isaac, Go from us; for thou art much mightier than we.

If he was that powerful why was he lying about his wife ?
¹⁷And Isaac departed thence, and pitched his tent in the valley of Gerar, and dwelt there.
¹⁸And Isaac digged again the wells of water, which they had digged in the days of Abraham his father; for the Philistines had stopped them after the death of Abraham: and he called their names after the names by which his father had called them.
¹⁹And Isaac's servants digged in the valley, and found there a well of springing water.
²⁰And the herdmen of Gerar did strive with Isaac's herdmen, saying, The water is ours: and he called the name of the well Esek; because they strove with him.
Now he's backing down from a few herdsmanwheres the power there ?
²¹And they digged another well, and strove for that also: and he called the name of it Sitnah.
One powerful coward hardly the start of a great nation. Then again laying down a precedence of going to live in someone else's land and calling it their own.
²²And he removed from thence, and digged another well; and for that they strove not: and he called the name of it Rehoboth; and he said, For now the LORD hath made room for us, and we shall be fruitful in the land.
²³And he went up from thence to Beersheba.
²⁴And the LORD appeared unto him the same night, and said, I am the God of Abraham thy father: fear not, for I am with thee, and will bless thee, and multiply thy seed for my servant Abraham's sake.
Still comes across as another gay liaison.
²⁵And he builded an altar there, and called upon the name of the LORD, and pitched his tent there: and there Isaac's servants digged a well.
²⁶Then Abimelech went to him from Gerar, and Ahuzzath one of his friends, and Phichol the chief captain of his army.
Has anyone else noticed that whenever the lord tells Isaac his seed is multiplied Abimelech is not far behind.
²⁷And Isaac said unto them, Wherefore come ye to me, seeing ye hate me, and have sent me away from you?
Oohh. Lovers tiff ?
²⁸And they said, We saw certainly that the LORD was with thee: and we said, Let there be now an oath betwixt us, even betwixt us and thee, and let us make a covenant with thee;
Blackmail ?
²⁹That thou wilt do us no hurt, as we have not touched thee, and as we have done unto thee nothing but good, and have sent thee away in peace: thou art now the blessed of the LORD.
³⁰And he made them a feast, and they did eat and drink.
³¹And they rose up betimes in the morning, and sware one to another: and Isaac sent them away, and they departed from him in peace.
Hand under each others thigh ?
³²And it came to pass the same day, that Isaac's servants came, and told him concerning the well which they had digged, and said unto him, We have found water.
³³And he called it Shebah: therefore the name of the city is Beersheba unto this day.
³⁴And Esau was forty years old when he took to wife Judith the daughter of Beeri the Hittite, and Bashemath the daughter of Elon the Hittite:
³⁵Which were a grief of mind unto Isaac and to Rebekah.

I am going out on a limb here and suggest a theory that hit me a few years ago.

They were just outside Egypt with many Egyptian influences.
We know the Egyptians used a very accurate calendar.(360 days per year +5 additional days + 1 leap day every 4 years).
We also know they looked at day and night as two separate things.
So if they had a year of 365.25 days a year they also had a year of 365.25 nights.
So In one year people aged two years.
Therefore all ages for Abraham and family are actually half what we are told.
Things then suddenly don't look quite so far fetched.

Abraham

• Left Ur @37 not 75
  
• Fathered ? Ishmael @ 43 not 86
  
• Fathered ?Isaac @50 not 100
  
• Died @ 87 not 175

Suddenly seems a bit more feasible

Sarah

• Gave birth to Ismael @ 38 not 76
• Gave birth to Isaac @ 45 not 90
• Died @ 68 not 137

The Boys marrying @16 and 20.

Genesis 21

Genesis 21

¹And the LORD visited Sarah as he had said, and the LORD did unto Sarah as he had spoken.

Is this not yet another begotten son ? How many is that now ? So much for the late great JC as being "gods only begotten son" Or perhaps we are talking of some symbolic bollocks that has yet to be confirmed.
²For Sarah conceived, and bare Abraham a son in his old age, at the set time of which God had spoken to him.
Dec 25 by any chance ?

³And Abraham called the name of his son that was born unto him, whom Sarah bare to him, Isaac.
⁴And Abraham circumcised his son Isaac being eight days old, as God had commanded him.
⁵And Abraham was an hundred years old, when his son Isaac was born unto him.
⁶And Sarah said, God hath made me to laugh, so that all that hear will laugh with me.
No dear "at you"

⁷And she said, Who would have said unto Abraham, that Sarah should have given children suck? for I have born him a son in his old age.
So was born the Idea the Catholic Priesthood holds dearest.

⁸And the child grew, and was weaned: and Abraham made a great feast the same day that Isaac was weaned.
⁹And Sarah saw the son of Hagar the Egyptian, which she had born unto Abraham, mocking.
Be fair, who in their right mind could do anything but mock.

¹⁰Wherefore she said unto Abraham, Cast out this bondwoman and her son: for the son of this bondwoman shall not be heir with my son, even with Isaac.
¹¹And the thing was very grievous in Abraham's sight because of his son.

Nothing to do with the fact that Hagar was still fit and could put on a good show for a stupid senile old man.

¹²And God said unto Abraham, Let it not be grievous in thy sight because of the lad, and because of thy bondwoman; in all that Sarah hath said unto thee, hearken unto her voice; for in Isaac shall thy seed be called.
Any thing for a quite life.

¹³And also of the son of the bondwoman will I make a nation, because he is thy seed.
God changed his plan again ?

¹⁴And Abraham rose up early in the morning, and took bread, and a bottle of water, and gave it unto Hagar, putting it on her shoulder, and the child, and sent her away: and she departed, and wandered in the wilderness of Beersheba.
¹⁵And the water was spent in the bottle, and she cast the child under one of the shrubs.
¹⁶And she went, and sat her down over against him a good way off, as it were a bow shot: for she said, Let me not see the death of the child. And she sat over against him, and lift up her voice, and wept.
¹⁷And God heard the voice of the lad; and the angel of God called to Hagar out of heaven, and said unto her, What aileth thee, Hagar? fear not; for God hath heard the voice of the lad where he is.
¹⁸Arise, lift up the lad, and hold him in thine hand; for I will make him a great nation.
¹⁹And God opened her eyes, and she saw a well of water; and she went, and filled the bottle with water, and gave the lad drink.
Is it just me or is this not a virtual retelling of the previously told story?

²⁰And God was with the lad; and he grew, and dwelt in the wilderness, and became an archer.
²¹And he dwelt in the wilderness of Paran: and his mother took him a wife out of the land of Egypt.
²²And it came to pass at that time, that Abimelech and Phichol the chief captain of his host spake unto Abraham, saying, God is with thee in all that thou doest:
²³Now therefore swear unto me here by God that thou wilt not deal falsely with me, nor with my son, nor with my son's son: but according to the kindness that I have done unto thee, thou shalt do unto me, and to the land wherein thou hast sojourned.
I am still thinking we have the ramblings of an old man on his death bed.

²⁴And Abraham said, I will swear.
²⁵And Abraham reproved Abimelech because of a well of water, which Abimelech's servants had violently taken away.
²⁶And Abimelech said, I wot not who hath done this thing; neither didst thou tell me, neither yet heard I of it, but to day.
²⁷And Abraham took sheep and oxen, and gave them unto Abimelech; and both of them made a covenant.
²⁸And Abraham set seven ewe lambs of the flock by themselves.
²⁹And Abimelech said unto Abraham, What mean these seven ewe lambs which thou hast set by themselves?
³⁰And he said, For these seven ewe lambs shalt thou take of my hand, that they may be a witness unto me, that I have digged this well.
³¹Wherefore he called that place Beersheba; because there they sware both of them.
³²Thus they made a covenant at Beersheba: then Abimelech rose up, and Phichol the chief captain of his host, and they returned into the land of the Philistines.
³³And Abraham planted a grove in Beersheba, and called there on the name of the LORD, the everlasting God.
⁴And Abraham sojourned in the Philistines' land many days.
Has anyone else noticed how certain number's keep cropping up.
Seven
Twelve
Forty

Genesis 20

Genesis 20

¹And Abraham journeyed from thence toward the south country, and dwelled between Kadesh and Shur, and sojourned in Gerar.
On the move again ?
²And Abraham said of Sarah his wife, She is my sister: and Abimelech king of Gerar sent, and took Sarah.
C'mon people the same old scam as they used in Egypt all those years ago. Isee now why god didn't create optometrists back when Adam was a lad but had old Abimelech got no sense of smell ? Sarah must have hummed more than a pension queue in july. She's over 90 now any evil bunnies have long since turned to dust bunnies. Look granny sex is not something anyone needs to know about, it may not be wrong but please keep it out of my head, I don't want to know. OK. Jeez have you seen Kingpin.... yuch!
³But God came to Abimelech in a dream by night, and said to him, Behold, thou art but a dead man, for the woman which thou hast taken; for she is a man's wife. ⁴But Abimelech had not come near her: and he said, LORD, wilt thou slay also a righteous nation?
I am sooo pleased.
⁵Said he not unto me, She is my sister? and she, even she herself said, He is my brother: in the integrity of my heart and innocency of my hands have I done this. God has got to admit they probably had more wrinkles than a camels scrotum ⁶And God said unto him in a dream, Yea, I know that thou didst this in the integrity of thy heart; for I also withheld thee from sinning against me: therefore suffered I thee not to touch her.
I'll bet Abimelech was thinking you believe what you want theres no way I was going anywhere near her man she wuz ugly.
⁷Now therefore restore the man his wife; for he is a prophet, and he shall pray for thee, and thou shalt live: and if thou restore her not, know thou that thou shalt surely die, thou, and all that are thine. ⁸Therefore Abimelech rose early in the morning, and called all his servants, and told all these things in their ears: and the men were sore afraid. ⁹Then Abimelech called Abraham, and said unto him, What hast thou done unto us? and what have I offended thee, that thou hast brought on me and on my kingdom a great sin? thou hast done deeds unto me that ought not to be done. ¹⁰And Abimelech said unto Abraham, What sawest thou, that thou hast done this thing? ¹¹And Abraham said, Because I thought, Surely the fear of God is not in this place; and they will slay me for my wife's sake.
Nah! He said Fuck man she might be my wife but I've had to sleep with it for over 80 years all I wanted was for a change to wake in a sweet smelling bed .
¹²And yet indeed she is my sister; she is the daughter of my father, but not the daughter of my mother; and she became my wife.
It get's worse fuck it's right they haven't bred.
¹³And it came to pass, when God caused me to wander from my father's house, that I said unto her, This is thy kindness which thou shalt shew unto me; at every place whither we shall come, say of me, He is my brother.
¹⁴And Abimelech took sheep, and oxen, and menservants, and womenservants, and gave them unto Abraham, and restored him Sarah his wife.
Scam worked then!
¹⁵And Abimelech said, Behold, my land is before thee: dwell where it pleaseth thee.
¹⁶And unto Sarah he said, Behold, I have given thy brother a thousand pieces of silver: behold, he is to thee a covering of the eyes, unto all that are with thee, and with all other: thus she was reproved.
What ?He's given her a bag to put over her head for future victims.
¹⁷So Abraham prayed unto God: and God healed Abimelech, and his wife, and his maidservants; and they bare children.
¹⁸For the LORD had fast closed up all the wombs of the house of Abimelech, because of Sarah Abraham's wife.
So still no sign whatsoever of this so called omniscience. When does that happen?