Genesis 49

Genesis 49

¹And Jacob called unto his sons, and said, Gather yourselves together, that I may tell you that which shall befall you in the last days.

Can you believe it the sahara still has puddles after the flood and they've started calling on the "end times". Dickheads today are still saying the same thing, how many thousand years later ?

²Gather yourselves together, and hear, ye sons of Jacob; and hearken unto Israel your father.
³Reuben, thou art my firstborn, my might, and the beginning of my strength, the excellency of dignity, and the excellency of power:
⁴Unstable as water, thou shalt not excel; because thou wentest up to thy father's bed; then defiledst thou it: he went up to my couch.

I'll bet that gets quoted by many catholic priests too.However some scholers believe the passage meant he bonked one of Jacobs wives.

⁵Simeon and Levi are brethren; instruments of cruelty are in their habitations.
⁶O my soul, come not thou into their secret; unto their assembly, mine honour, be not thou united: for in their anger they slew a man, and in their selfwill they digged down a wall.
⁷Cursed be their anger, for it was fierce; and their wrath, for it was cruel: I will divide them in Jacob, and scatter them in Israel.

Other translations have "and hamstrung oxen as they pleased."
Bit more extreme than pulling the wings off flies. But god obviously doesn't mind because they are from Abrahams loins.

⁸Judah, thou art he whom thy brethren shall praise: thy hand shall be in the neck of thine enemies; thy father's children shall bow down before thee.

Another verse in the Priests quote mining catalogue.

⁹Judah is a lion's whelp: from the prey, my son, thou art gone up: he stooped down, he couched as a lion, and as an old lion; who shall rouse him up?
¹⁰The sceptre shall not depart from Judah, nor a lawgiver from between his feet, until Shiloh come; and unto him shall the gathering of the people be.

Shiloh being the time of tribute,possibly judgement day.

¹¹Binding his foal unto the vine, and his ass's colt unto the choice vine; he washed his garments in wine, and his clothes in the blood of grapes:
¹²His eyes shall be red with wine, and his teeth white with milk.
¹³Zebulun shall dwell at the haven of the sea; and he shall be for an haven of ships; and his border shall be unto Zidon.
¹⁴Issachar is a strong ass couching down between two burdens:

Catholic quote mine

¹⁵And he saw that rest was good, and the land that it was pleasant; and bowed his shoulder to bear, and became a servant unto tribute.
¹⁶Dan shall judge his people, as one of the tribes of Israel.
¹⁷Dan shall be a serpent by the way, an adder in the path, that biteth the horse heels, so that his rider shall fall backward.

Remember the serpent in Eden this shows that a serpent at the time was not a snake but an educated and knowledgeable human being.

¹⁸I have waited for thy salvation, O LORD.
¹⁹Gad, a troop shall overcome him: but he shall overcome at the last.
²⁰Out of Asher his bread shall be fat, and he shall yield royal dainties.

After all those years of making sammiches for his dad.

²¹Naphtali is a hind let loose: he giveth goodly words.
²²Joseph is a fruitful bough, even a fruitful bough by a well; whose branches run over the wall:
²³The archers have sorely grieved him, and shot at him, and hated him:
²⁴But his bow abode in strength, and the arms of his hands were made strong by the hands of the mighty God of Jacob; (from thence is the shepherd, the stone of Israel:)

Why is there a smiley at the end of that sentence is it because it should be taken with a pinch of salt.

²⁵Even by the God of thy father, who shall help thee; and by the Almighty, who shall bless thee with blessings of heaven above, blessings of the deep that lieth under, blessings of the breasts, and of the womb:

Are they not the same ?

²⁶The blessings of thy father have prevailed above the blessings of my progenitors unto the utmost bound of the everlasting hills: they shall be on the head of Joseph, and on the crown of the head of him that was separate from his brethren.
²⁷Benjamin shall ravin as a wolf: in the morning he shall devour the prey, and at night he shall divide the spoil.

And he seemed such a nice boy.

²⁸All these are the twelve tribes of Israel: and this is it that their father spake unto them, and blessed them; every one according to his blessing he blessed them.
²⁹And he charged them, and said unto them, I am to be gathered unto my people: bury me with my fathers in the cave that is in the field of Ephron the Hittite,
³⁰In the cave that is in the field of Machpelah, which is before Mamre, in the land of Canaan, which Abraham bought with the field of Ephron the Hittite for a possession of a buryingplace.
³¹There they buried Abraham and Sarah his wife; there they buried Isaac and Rebekah his wife; and there I buried Leah.
³²The purchase of the field and of the cave that is therein was from the children of Heth.jj³³And when Jacob had made an end of commanding his sons, he gathered up his feet into the bed, and yielded up the ghost, and was gathered unto his people.

So god told Jacob he would return home: Tis means either god is not omniscient or he is a lying cunt !