Genesis 43

¹And the famine was sore in the land.
²And it came to pass, when they had eaten up the corn which they had brought out of Egypt, their father said unto them, Go again, buy us a little food.

What ? They haven't gone straight back to retrieve their brother.

Fuck me with an armadillo's arm. As far as Jacob is concerned his son is rotting in an Egyptian prison and he has not even tried to go to Egypt until he can see himself getting hungry.

³And Judah spake unto him, saying, The man did solemnly protest unto us, saying, Ye shall not see my face, except your brother be with you.
⁴If thou wilt send our brother with us, we will go down and buy thee food:

So starving isn't really an issue, Jacob just wants grain to make bread cos' he luv's his sammiches.

⁵But if thou wilt not send him, we will not go down: for the man said unto us, Ye shall not see my face, except your brother be with you.

As Jacob/Israel had not sent any women to Egypt last time to blame he turned on Judah.

⁶And Israel said, Wherefore dealt ye so ill with me, as to tell the man whether ye had yet a brother?

Cos' it was all Judah's fault. Besides the magic number twelve wouldn't have been there.

⁷And they said, The man asked us straitly of our state, and of our kindred, saying, Is your father yet alive? have ye another brother? and we told him according to the tenor of these words: could we certainly know that he would say, Bring your brother down?

See, besmirched the family name. They were honest, never in more than three generations has any of this family been honest except to point the finger and say "Hedidit!"

⁸And Judah said unto Israel his father, Send the lad with me, and we will arise and go; that we may live, and not die, both we, and thou, and also our little ones.
⁹I will be surety for him; of my hand shalt thou require him: if I bring him not unto thee, and set him before thee, then let me bear the blame for ever:
¹⁰For except we had lingered, surely now we had returned this second time.

¹¹And their father Israel said unto them, If it must be so now, do this; take of the in the land in your vessels, and carry down the man a present, a little balm, best fruits and a little honey, spices, and myrrh, nuts, and almonds:

So tell me again about this famine in Canaan. With this much Bullshit about the land should have had no fertility problems.

¹²And take double money in your hand; and the money that was brought again in the mouth of your sacks, carry it again in your hand; peradventure it was an oversight:

Careful that sounds like the decent thing to do, Will the family reputation ever recover.

¹³Take also your brother, and arise, go again unto the man:
¹⁴And God Almighty give you mercy before the man, that he may send away your other brother, and Benjamin. If I be bereaved of my children, I am bereaved.

Just hurry up I want my sammich.

¹⁵And the men took that present, and they took double money in their hand and Benjamin; and rose up, and went down to Egypt, and stood before Joseph.
¹⁶And when Joseph saw Benjamin with them, he said to the ruler of his house, Bring these men home, and slay, and make ready; for these men shall dine with me at noon.
¹⁷And the man did as Joseph bade; and the man brought the men into Joseph's house.
¹⁸And the men were afraid, because they were brought into Joseph's house; and they said, Because of the money that was returned in our sacks at the first time are we brought in; that he may seek occasion against us, and fall upon us, and take us for bondmen, and our asses.
¹⁹And they came near to the steward of Joseph's house, and they communed with him at the door of the house,

I can't help feeling this is gonna be good.

²⁰And said, O sir, we came indeed down at the first time to buy food:
²¹And it came to pass, when we came to the inn, that we opened our sacks, and, behold, every man's money was in the mouth of his sack, our money in full weight: and we have brought it again in our hand.

Cos' we couldn't be arsed to return when we had full sacks and full bellies.

²²And other money have we brought down in our hands to buy food: we cannot tell who put our money in our sacks.

Honest Guv.

²³And he said, Peace be to you, fear not: your God, and the God of your father, hath given you treasure in your sacks: I had your money. And he brought Simeon out unto them.

²⁴And the man brought the men into Joseph's house, and gave them water, and they washed their feet; and he gave their asses provender.

I bet that doesn't mean what it looks like

²⁵And they made ready the present against Joseph came at noon: for they heard that they should eat bread there.

Jacob should have come, he's missing out on his sammiches.

²⁶And when Joseph came home, they brought him the present which was in their hand into the house, and bowed themselves to him to the earth.
²⁷And he asked them of their welfare, and said, Is your father well, the old man of whom ye spake? Is he yet alive?
²⁸And they answered, Thy servant our father is in good health, he is yet alive. And they bowed down their heads, and made obeisance.
²⁹And he lifted up his eyes, and saw his brother Benjamin, his mother's son, and said, Is this your younger brother, of whom ye spake unto me? And he said, God be gracious unto thee, my son.

³⁰And Joseph made haste; for his bowels did yearn upon his brother: and he sought where to weep; and he entered into his chamber, and wept there.

My mistake "gave their asses provender." must've meant what I thought it did.

³¹And he washed his face, and went out, and refrained himself, and said, Set on bread.

³²And they set on for him by himself, and for them by themselves, and for the Egyptians, which did eat with him, by themselves: because the Egyptians might not eat bread with the Hebrews; for that is an abomination unto the Egyptians.

From the laws of Horus

Let no Egyptian partake of food or break bread with the Hebrew, This has been the proclamation of all the gods of heaven. Else this shall ye know as it is known in heaven that the Hebrew are dirty cunts at the dinner table.

Ok I made that up but I feel I am in good company.

³³And they sat before him, the first born according to his birthright, and the youngest according to his youth: and the men marvelled one at another.³⁴And he took and sent messes unto them from before him: but Benjamin's mess was five times so much as any of their's. And they drank, and were merry with him.

Honest I made that up before I read the last couple of lines I didn't know they were really dirty cunts.