Answers in Genesis

Fuck me I nearly slashed my wrist's, the fucking tedium of trawling through what amounts to a couple of fairy tales loosely cobbled together with lists of people that today would be locked away in a soft walled cell.
Answers in genesis, are there any? Yes! Shocked, don't be, the answers in genesis, are the answers to the following questions.

1. Did some people in ancient Canaan spend too much time in the sun ?
   
2. Did they sit around campfires getting shitfaced telling each other bullshit stories ?
   
3. Were they averse to some man on man loving ?
   
4. Were Wives and Daughters equal in status to livestock ?
   
5. Was it Ok to whore out the said Wives, Daughters and Widows of family members ?
   
6. Was killing an unwanted suitor acceptable practice ?
   
7. Is incest acceptable in polite society?
8. Is the Idea of god the product of a seriously deranged imagination ?
9. Could you get, feed and keep specimens of the worlds animal population in your local kwik E mart for ten month's ?
10. Has modern science discovered anything that some uneducated camel shagger may not of been aware of 6,000 years ago ?
11. Was there an astrological base for the judean /christian/islamic/mormon mythos ?
    

If these are the questions you are asking yes the answers are there. If however your questions are where did the universe/man/animals etc. come from. then you are as bat shit crazy as the lunatic family we have just been reading about.

Genesis 50

Genesis 50

¹And Joseph fell upon his father's face, and wept upon him, and kissed him.
²And Joseph commanded his servants the physicians to embalm his father: and the physicians embalmed Israel.

Shame one of Jacobs wives hadn't made it to Egypt they both could have been "embalmed" and then "mounted"

³And forty days were fulfilled for him; for so are fulfilled the days of those which are embalmed: and the Egyptians mourned for him threescore and ten days.
⁴And when the days of his mourning were past, Joseph spake unto the house of Pharaoh, saying, If now I have found grace in your eyes, speak, I pray you, in the ears of Pharaoh, saying,
⁵My father made me swear, saying, Lo, I die: in my grave which I have digged for me in the land of Canaan, there shalt thou bury me. Now therefore let me go up, I pray thee, and bury my father, and I will come again.

If Joseph was a free man why would he need to ask permission ?

⁶And Pharaoh said, Go up, and bury thy father, according as he made thee swear.
⁷And Joseph went up to bury his father: and with him went up all the servants of Pharaoh, the elders of his house, and all the elders of the land of Egypt,

Why ? What would Pharoah send all his servants for ?
Would he not need them himself, were Joseph's own servants somehow incompetent or untrustworthy?

⁸And all the house of Joseph, and his brethren, and his father's house: only their little ones, and their flocks, and their herds, they left in the land of Goshen.
⁹And there went up with him both chariots and horsemen: and it was a very great company.
¹⁰And they came to the threshing floor of Atad, which is beyond Jordan, and there they mourned with a great and very sore lamentation: and he made a mourning for his father seven days.
¹¹And when the inhabitants of the land, the Canaanites, saw the mourning in the floor of Atad, they said, This is a grievous mourning to the Egyptians: wherefore the name of it was called Abelmizraim, which is beyond Jordan.
¹²And his sons did unto him according as he commanded them:

Preists do well out of these last couple of chapters of genesis don't they.

¹³For his sons carried him into the land of Canaan, and buried him in the cave of the field of Machpelah, which Abraham bought with the field for a possession of a burying place of Ephron the Hittite, before Mamre.
¹⁴And Joseph returned into Egypt, he, and his brethren, and all that went up with him to bury his father, after he had buried his father.
¹⁵And when Joseph's brethren saw that their father was dead, they said, Joseph will peradventure hate us, and will certainly requite us all the evil which we did unto him.

Fuck me! Genuine reactions and emotions, you gotta admit if you saw your long lost bro returning home with a veritable army, you would shit your pants even wearing a dress like these people did you would.

¹⁶And they sent a messenger unto Joseph, saying, Thy father did command before he died, saying,
¹⁷So shall ye say unto Joseph, Forgive, I pray thee now, the trespass of thy brethren, and their sin; for they did unto thee evil: and now, we pray thee, forgive the trespass of the servants of the God of thy father. And Joseph wept when they spake unto him.
¹⁸And his brethren also went and fell down before his face; and they said, Behold, we be thy servants.
¹⁹And Joseph said unto them, Fear not: for am I in the place of God?
²⁰But as for you, ye thought evil against me; but God meant it unto good, to bring to pass, as it is this day, to save much people alive.
²¹Now therefore fear ye not: I will nourish you, and your little ones. And he comforted them, and spake kindly unto them.

And now the epilogue

²²And Joseph dwelt in Egypt, he, and his father's house: and Joseph lived an hundred and ten years.
²³And Joseph saw Ephraim's children of the third generation: the children also of Machir the son of Manasseh were brought up upon Joseph's knees.
²⁴And Joseph said unto his brethren, I die: and God will surely visit you, and bring you out of this land unto the land which he sware to Abraham, to Isaac, and to Jacob.
²⁵And Joseph took an oath of the children of Israel, saying, God will surely visit you, and ye shall carry up my bones from hence.
²⁶So Joseph died, being an hundred and ten years old: and they embalmed him, and he was put in a coffin in Egypt.

Short and sweet you would have expected more his ancestors built cities and he had more money, more men and more power, and all he did was act as a climbing frame for his and his brothers grand children.

Genesis 49

Genesis 49

¹And Jacob called unto his sons, and said, Gather yourselves together, that I may tell you that which shall befall you in the last days.

Can you believe it the sahara still has puddles after the flood and they've started calling on the "end times". Dickheads today are still saying the same thing, how many thousand years later ?

²Gather yourselves together, and hear, ye sons of Jacob; and hearken unto Israel your father.
³Reuben, thou art my firstborn, my might, and the beginning of my strength, the excellency of dignity, and the excellency of power:
⁴Unstable as water, thou shalt not excel; because thou wentest up to thy father's bed; then defiledst thou it: he went up to my couch.

I'll bet that gets quoted by many catholic priests too.However some scholers believe the passage meant he bonked one of Jacobs wives.

⁵Simeon and Levi are brethren; instruments of cruelty are in their habitations.
⁶O my soul, come not thou into their secret; unto their assembly, mine honour, be not thou united: for in their anger they slew a man, and in their selfwill they digged down a wall.
⁷Cursed be their anger, for it was fierce; and their wrath, for it was cruel: I will divide them in Jacob, and scatter them in Israel.

Other translations have "and hamstrung oxen as they pleased."
Bit more extreme than pulling the wings off flies. But god obviously doesn't mind because they are from Abrahams loins.

⁸Judah, thou art he whom thy brethren shall praise: thy hand shall be in the neck of thine enemies; thy father's children shall bow down before thee.

Another verse in the Priests quote mining catalogue.

⁹Judah is a lion's whelp: from the prey, my son, thou art gone up: he stooped down, he couched as a lion, and as an old lion; who shall rouse him up?
¹⁰The sceptre shall not depart from Judah, nor a lawgiver from between his feet, until Shiloh come; and unto him shall the gathering of the people be.

Shiloh being the time of tribute,possibly judgement day.

¹¹Binding his foal unto the vine, and his ass's colt unto the choice vine; he washed his garments in wine, and his clothes in the blood of grapes:
¹²His eyes shall be red with wine, and his teeth white with milk.
¹³Zebulun shall dwell at the haven of the sea; and he shall be for an haven of ships; and his border shall be unto Zidon.
¹⁴Issachar is a strong ass couching down between two burdens:

Catholic quote mine

¹⁵And he saw that rest was good, and the land that it was pleasant; and bowed his shoulder to bear, and became a servant unto tribute.
¹⁶Dan shall judge his people, as one of the tribes of Israel.
¹⁷Dan shall be a serpent by the way, an adder in the path, that biteth the horse heels, so that his rider shall fall backward.

Remember the serpent in Eden this shows that a serpent at the time was not a snake but an educated and knowledgeable human being.

¹⁸I have waited for thy salvation, O LORD.
¹⁹Gad, a troop shall overcome him: but he shall overcome at the last.
²⁰Out of Asher his bread shall be fat, and he shall yield royal dainties.

After all those years of making sammiches for his dad.

²¹Naphtali is a hind let loose: he giveth goodly words.
²²Joseph is a fruitful bough, even a fruitful bough by a well; whose branches run over the wall:
²³The archers have sorely grieved him, and shot at him, and hated him:
²⁴But his bow abode in strength, and the arms of his hands were made strong by the hands of the mighty God of Jacob; (from thence is the shepherd, the stone of Israel:)

Why is there a smiley at the end of that sentence is it because it should be taken with a pinch of salt.

²⁵Even by the God of thy father, who shall help thee; and by the Almighty, who shall bless thee with blessings of heaven above, blessings of the deep that lieth under, blessings of the breasts, and of the womb:

Are they not the same ?

²⁶The blessings of thy father have prevailed above the blessings of my progenitors unto the utmost bound of the everlasting hills: they shall be on the head of Joseph, and on the crown of the head of him that was separate from his brethren.
²⁷Benjamin shall ravin as a wolf: in the morning he shall devour the prey, and at night he shall divide the spoil.

And he seemed such a nice boy.

²⁸All these are the twelve tribes of Israel: and this is it that their father spake unto them, and blessed them; every one according to his blessing he blessed them.
²⁹And he charged them, and said unto them, I am to be gathered unto my people: bury me with my fathers in the cave that is in the field of Ephron the Hittite,
³⁰In the cave that is in the field of Machpelah, which is before Mamre, in the land of Canaan, which Abraham bought with the field of Ephron the Hittite for a possession of a buryingplace.
³¹There they buried Abraham and Sarah his wife; there they buried Isaac and Rebekah his wife; and there I buried Leah.
³²The purchase of the field and of the cave that is therein was from the children of Heth.jj³³And when Jacob had made an end of commanding his sons, he gathered up his feet into the bed, and yielded up the ghost, and was gathered unto his people.

So god told Jacob he would return home: Tis means either god is not omniscient or he is a lying cunt !

Genesis 48

Genesis 48

¹And it came to pass after these things, that one told Joseph, Behold, thy father is sick: and he took with him his two sons, Manasseh and Ephraim.

The whole fucking family is sick.
Probably because of all the inbreeding.

²And one told Jacob, and said, Behold, thy son Joseph cometh unto thee: and Israel strengthened himself, and sat upon the bed.
³And Jacob said unto Joseph, God Almighty appeared unto me at Luz in the land of Canaan, and blessed me,
⁴And said unto me, Behold, I will make thee fruitful, and multiply thee, and I will make of thee a multitude of people; and will give this land to thy seed after thee for an everlasting possession.

Rambling on his death bed.

⁵And now thy two sons, Ephraim and Manasseh, which were born unto thee in the land of Egypt before I came unto thee into Egypt, are mine; as Reuben and Simeon, they shall be mine.
⁶And thy issue, which thou begettest after them, shall be thine, and shall be called after the name of their brethren in their inheritance.
⁷And as for me, when I came from Padan, Rachel died by me in the land of Canaan in the way, when yet there was but a little way to come unto Ephrath: and I buried her there in the way of Ephrath; the same is Bethlehem.
⁸And Israel beheld Joseph's sons, and said, Who are these?
⁹And Joseph said unto his father, They are my sons, whom God hath given me in this place. And he said, Bring them, I pray thee, unto me, and I will bless them.

Another death bed blessing, for a family that created athe creator they don't seem to have much imagination.

¹⁰Now the eyes of Israel were dim for age, so that he could not see. And he brought them near unto him; and he kissed them, and embraced them.

One of the most important verses of the bible for the catholic priesthood.

¹¹And Israel said unto Joseph, I had not thought to see thy face: and, lo, God hath shewed me also thy seed.

Eeww!

¹²And Joseph brought them out from between his knees, and he bowed himself with his face to the earth.
¹³And Joseph took them both, Ephraim in his right hand toward Israel's left hand, and Manasseh in his left hand toward Israel's right hand, and brought them near unto him.

Earliest recorded gay spitroast ?

¹⁴And Israel stretched out his right hand, and laid it upon Ephraim's head, who was the younger, and his left hand upon Manasseh's head, guiding his hands wittingly; for Manasseh was the firstborn.

This is just fucking sordid.

¹⁵And he blessed Joseph, and said, God, before whom my fathers Abraham and Isaac did walk, the God which fed me all my life long unto this day,
¹⁶The Angel which redeemed me from all evil, bless the lads; and let my name be named on them, and the name of my fathers Abraham and Isaac; and let them grow into a multitude in the midst of the earth.
¹⁷And when Joseph saw that his father laid his right hand upon the head of Ephraim, it displeased him: and he held up his father's hand, to remove it from Ephraim's head unto Manasseh's head.
¹⁸And Joseph said unto his father, Not so, my father: for this is the firstborn; put thy right hand upon his head.

Daddy don't molest my children like that.......... do it properly !

¹⁹And his father refused, and said, I know it, my son, I know it: he also shall become a people, and he also shall be great: but truly his younger brother shall be greater than he, and his seed shall become a multitude of nations.
²⁰And he blessed them that day, saying, In thee shall Israel bless, saying, God make thee as Ephraim and as Manasseh: and he set Ephraim before Manasseh.

²¹And Israel said unto Joseph, Behold, I die: but God shall be with you, and bring you again unto the land of your fathers.
²²Moreover I have given to thee one portion above thy brethren, which I took out of the hand of the Amorite with my sword and with my bow.

Did god not promise he would get home after seeing Joseph ?

Genesis 47

Genesis 47

¹Then Joseph came and told Pharaoh, and said, My father and my brethren, and their flocks, and their herds, and all that they have, are come out of the land of Canaan; and, behold, they are in the land of Goshen.
²And he took some of his brethren, even five men, and presented them unto Pharaoh.
³And Pharaoh said unto his brethren, What is your occupation? And they said unto Pharaoh, Thy servants are shepherds, both we, and also our fathers.

Fathers, plural I knew it.

⁴They said morever unto Pharaoh, For to sojourn in the land are we come; for thy servants have no pasture for their flocks; for the famine is sore in the land of Canaan: now therefore, we pray thee, let thy servants dwell in the land of Goshen.
⁵And Pharaoh spake unto Joseph, saying, Thy father and thy brethren are come unto thee:
⁶The land of Egypt is before thee; in the best of the land make thy father and brethren to dwell; in the land of Goshen let them dwell: and if thou knowest any men of activity among them, then make them rulers over my cattle.

If only he could see into the future.
It ain't what you know it's who you know.

⁷And Joseph brought in Jacob his father, and set him before Pharaoh: and Jacob blessed Pharaoh.
⁸And Pharaoh said unto Jacob, How old art thou?
⁹And Jacob said unto Pharaoh, The days of the years of my pilgrimage are an hundred and thirty years: few and evil have the days of the years of my life been, and have not attained unto the days of the years of the life of my fathers in the days of their pilgrimage.
¹⁰And Jacob blessed Pharaoh, and went out from before Pharaoh.

Arrogant cunt.

¹¹And Joseph placed his father and his brethren, and gave them a possession in the land of Egypt, in the best of the land, in the land of Rameses, as Pharaoh had commanded.

So if Jacobs age is to be believed you are talking of two to one hundred years after the fall of Sodom and Gommorah. Somewhere between 2800 and1800 years B.C.E.

¹²And Joseph nourished his father, and his brethren, and all his father's household, with bread, according to their families.

Jacob gets his sammich

¹³And there was no bread in all the land; for the famine was very sore, so that the land of Egypt and all the land of Canaan fainted by reason of the famine.

Greedy bastards ate the lot

¹⁴And Joseph gathered up all the money that was found in the land of Egypt, and in the land of Canaan, for the corn which they bought: and Joseph brought the money into Pharaoh's house.
¹⁵And when money failed in the land of Egypt, and in the land of Canaan, all the Egyptians came unto Joseph, and said, Give us bread: for why should we die in thy presence? for the money faileth.
¹⁶And Joseph said, Give your cattle; and I will give you for your cattle, if money fail.

Mercenary bastard! That's it show gods love, by bleeding them dry.

¹⁷And they brought their cattle unto Joseph: and Joseph gave them bread in exchange for horses, and for the flocks, and for the cattle of the herds, and for the asses: and he fed them with bread for all their cattle for that year.
¹⁸When that year was ended, they came unto him the second year, and said unto him, We will not hide it from my lord, how that our money is spent; my lord also hath our herds of cattle; there is not ought left in the sight of my lord, but our bodies, and our lands:

Bleed you fuckers bleed.

¹⁹Wherefore shall we die before thine eyes, both we and our land? buy us and our land for bread, and we and our land will be servants unto Pharaoh: and give us seed, that we may live, and not die, that the land be not desolate.
²⁰And Joseph bought all the land of Egypt for Pharaoh; for the Egyptians sold every man his field, because the famine prevailed over them: so the land became Pharaoh's.
²¹And as for the people, he removed them to cities from one end of the borders of Egypt even to the other end thereof.
²²Only the land of the priests bought he not; for the priests had a portion assigned them of Pharaoh, and did eat their portion which Pharaoh gave them: wherefore they sold not their lands.

Typical! The religious hierarchy get preferential treatment.

²³Then Joseph said unto the people, Behold, I have bought you this day and your land for Pharaoh: lo, here is seed for you, and ye shall sow the land.
²⁴And it shall come to pass in the increase, that ye shall give the fifth part unto Pharaoh, and four parts shall be your own, for seed of the field, and for your food, and for them of your households, and for food for your little ones.
²⁵And they said, Thou hast saved our lives: let us find grace in the sight of my lord, and we will be Pharaoh's servants.

My lord being pharoah

²⁶And Joseph made it a law over the land of Egypt unto this day, that Pharaoh should have the fifth part, except the land of the priests only, which became not Pharaoh's.

Things don't change, tax the populace let the parasitic priesthood get off scot free.

²⁷And Israel dwelt in the land of Egypt, in the country of Goshen; and they had possessions therein, and grew, and multiplied exceedingly.

No wonder the Egyptians were having such a hard time Jacobs entourage and the priests to support.

²⁸And Jacob lived in the land of Egypt seventeen years: so the whole age of Jacob was an hundred forty and seven years.

²⁹And the time drew nigh that Israel must die: and he called his son Joseph, and said unto him, If now I have found grace in thy sight, put, I pray thee, thy hand under my thigh, and deal kindly and truly with me; bury me not, I pray thee, in Egypt:

Incidently a phrase uttered even today by thousands of Arabs the world over.

³⁰But I will lie with my fathers, and thou shalt carry me out of Egypt, and bury me in their buryingplace. And he said, I will do as thou hast said.
³¹And he said, Swear unto me. And he sware unto him. And Israel bowed himself upon the bed's head.

Genesis 46

Genesis 46

¹And Israel took his journey with all that he had, and came to Beersheba, and offered sacrifices unto the God of his father Isaac.

Children ? or just an oiled erection.

²And God spake unto Israel in the visions of the night, and said, Jacob, Jacob. And he said, Here am I.
³And he said, I am God, the God of thy father: fear not to go down into Egypt; for I will there make of thee a great nation:
⁴I will go down with thee into Egypt; and I will also surely bring thee up again: and Joseph shall put his hand upon thine eyes.

Dreams by any other name, or perhaps ergot was growing on the grain/bread

⁵And Jacob rose up from Beersheba: and the sons of Israel carried Jacob their father, and their little ones, and their wives, in the wagons which Pharaoh had sent to carry him.
⁶And they took their cattle, and their goods, which they had gotten in the land of Canaan, and came into Egypt, Jacob, and all his seed with him:
⁷His sons, and his sons' sons with him, his daughters, and his sons' daughters, and all his seed brought he with him into Egypt.
⁸And these are the names of the children of Israel, which came into Egypt, Jacob and his sons: Reuben, Jacob's firstborn.

Fuck here we go again. Yet another fucking list of mostly irrelevant names just to bore the tits off you.

⁹And the sons of Reuben; Hanoch, and Phallu, and Hezron, and Carmi.
¹⁰And the sons of Simeon; Jemuel, and Jamin, and Ohad, and Jachin, and Zohar, and Shaul the son of a Canaanitish woman.

I,m surprised she and her son got a mention you can't call them family.

¹¹And the sons of Levi; Gershon, Kohath, and Merari.
¹²And the sons of Judah; Er, and Onan, and Shelah, and Pharez, and Zarah: but Er and Onan died in the land of Canaan. And the sons of Pharez were Hezron and Hamul.
¹³And the sons of Issachar; Tola, and Phuvah, and Job, and Shimron.
¹⁴And the sons of Zebulun; Sered, and Elon, and Jahleel.
¹⁵These be the sons of Leah, which she bare unto Jacob in Padanaram, with his daughter Dinah: all the souls of his sons and his daughters were thirty and three.
¹⁶And the sons of Gad; Ziphion, and Haggi, Shuni, and Ezbon, Eri, and Arodi, and Areli.
¹⁷And the sons of Asher; Jimnah, and Ishuah, and Isui, and Beriah, and Serah their sister: and the sons of Beriah; Heber, and Malchiel.
¹⁸These are the sons of Zilpah, whom Laban gave to Leah his daughter, and these she bare unto Jacob, even sixteen souls.
¹⁹The sons of Rachel Jacob's wife; Joseph, and Benjamin.
²⁰And unto Joseph in the land of Egypt were born Manasseh and Ephraim, which Asenath the daughter of Potipherah priest of On bare unto him.
²¹And the sons of Benjamin were Belah, and Becher, and Ashbel, Gera, and Naaman, Ehi, and Rosh, Muppim, and Huppim, and Ard.
²²These are the sons of Rachel, which were born to Jacob: all the souls were fourteen.
²³And the sons of Dan; Hushim.
²⁴And the sons of Naphtali; Jahzeel, and Guni, and Jezer, and Shillem.
²⁵These are the sons of Bilhah, which Laban gave unto Rachel his daughter, and she bare these unto Jacob: all the souls were seven.
²⁶All the souls that came with Jacob into Egypt, which came out of his loins, besides Jacob's sons' wives, all the souls were threescore and six;

Sixty six Hasn't got 600 servants with them too by any chance.

²⁷And the sons of Joseph, which were born him in Egypt, were two souls: all the souls of the house of Jacob, which came into Egypt, were threescore and ten.

So Jacob had TWELVE sons and the total of the whole herd was SEVEN...TY

²⁸And he sent Judah before him unto Joseph, to direct his face unto Goshen; and they came into the land of Goshen.
²⁹And Joseph made ready his chariot, and went up to meet Israel his father, to Goshen, and presented himself unto him; and he fell on his neck, and wept on his neck a good while.

Something to me just isn't right about father and son necking.

³⁰And Israel said unto Joseph, Now let me die, since I have seen thy face, because thou art yet alive.
³¹And Joseph said unto his brethren, and unto his father's house, I will go up, and shew Pharaoh, and say unto him, My brethren, and my father's house, which were in the land of Canaan, are come unto me;
³²And the men are shepherds, for their trade hath been to feed cattle; and they have brought their flocks, and their herds, and all that they have.
³³And it shall come to pass, when Pharaoh shall call you, and shall say, What is your occupation?

If they were honest they would answer....

...con artists, thieves, liars and parasites.

But instead.

³⁴That ye shall say, Thy servants' trade hath been about cattle from our youth even until now, both we, and also our fathers: that ye may dwell in the land of Goshen; for every shepherd is an abomination unto the Egyptians.

Genesis 45

Genesis 45

¹Then Joseph could not refrain himself before all them that stood by him; and he cried, Cause every man to go out from me. And there stood no man with him, while Joseph made himself known unto his brethren.

At last! would it not have been easier to be truthful in the first place ?

²And he wept aloud: and the Egyptians and the house of Pharaoh heard.
³And Joseph said unto his brethren, I am Joseph; doth my father yet live? And his brethren could not answer him; for they were troubled at his presence.

⁴And Joseph said unto his brethren, Come near to me, I pray you. And they came near. And he said, I am Joseph your brother, whom ye sold into Egypt.

⁵Now therefore be not grieved, nor angry with yourselves, that ye sold me hither: for God did send me before you to preserve life.
⁶For these two years hath the famine been in the land: and yet there are five years, in the which there shall neither be earing nor harvest.
e befor⁷And God sent me you to preserve you a posterity in the earth, and to save your lives by a great deliverance.

And to think they had to test mummies to find evidence of hard drugs in ancient Egypt when it was here all the time.

⁸So now it was not you that sent me hither, but God: and he hath made me a father to Pharaoh, and lord of all his house, and a ruler throughout all the land of Egypt.

Overuse of mind expanding substances or maybe too much sun.

⁹Haste ye, and go up to my father, and say unto him, Thus saith thy son Joseph, God hath made me lord of all Egypt: come down unto me, tarry not:
¹⁰And thou shalt dwell in the land of Goshen, and thou shalt be near unto me, thou, and thy children, and thy children's children, and thy flocks, and thy herds, and all that thou hast:
¹¹And there will I nourish thee; for yet there are five years of famine; lest thou, and thy household, and all that thou hast, come to poverty.

Which is to say "Fuck the rest of Egypt as long as my double dealing, disgusting untrustworthy family is ok." As they are stuck over in Canaan starving to death as all they have to eat is "best fruits and a little honey, spices, and myrrh, nuts, and almonds:"not to mention sheep goats and cows and fish, and if they ran short of them I wouldn't put it past them to tuck into the help.

¹²And, behold, your eyes see, and the eyes of my brother Benjamin, that it is my mouth that speaketh unto you.
¹³And ye shall tell my father of all my glory in Egypt, and of all that ye have seen; and ye shall haste and bring down my father hither.
¹⁴And he fell upon his brother Benjamin's neck, and wept; and Benjamin wept upon his neck.
¹⁵Moreover he kissed all his brethren, and wept upon them: and after that his brethren talked with him.

Joseph is gayer than Elton Johns flower arranger.
Did they have a word for fellatio ?

¹⁶And the fame thereof was heard in Pharaoh's house, saying, Joseph's brethren are come: and it pleased Pharaoh well, and his servants.

Just what he wanted, another drain on his resources.

¹⁷And Pharaoh said unto Joseph, Say unto thy brethren, This do ye; lade your beasts, and go, get you unto the land of Canaan;
¹⁸And take your father and your households, and come unto me: and I will give you the good of the land of Egypt, and ye shall eat the fat of the land.

¹⁹Now thou art commanded, this do ye; take you wagons out of the land of Egypt for your little ones, and for your wives, and bring your father, and come.

Is it any wonder you cant pin a time frame on any of this ?

²⁰Also regard not your stuff; for the good of all the land of Egypt is your's.

Yup screw the people that worked to seed and gather the surplus grain.After all no one is going to notice a dozen hebrews, plus wives, children and fuck knows how many servants and servants children.

²¹And the children of Israel did so: and Joseph gave them wagons, according to the commandment of Pharaoh, and gave them provision for the way.

²²To all of them he gave each man changes of raiment; but to Benjamin he gave three hundred pieces of silver, and five changes of raiment.

Hey earliest record of a rent boy being paid for his services.

²³And to his father he sent after this manner; ten asses laden with the good things of Egypt, and ten she asses laden with corn and bread and meat for his father by the way.

Cos he knows how much his dad likes his meat.........

.....sammiches

²⁴So he sent his brethren away, and they departed: and he said unto them, See that ye fall not out by the way.
²⁵And they went up out of Egypt, and came into the land of Canaan unto Jacob their father,
²⁶And told him, saying, Joseph is yet alive, and he is governor over all the land of Egypt. And Jacob's heart fainted, for he believed them not.

Just his heart ?

²⁷And they told him all the words of Joseph, which he had said unto them: and when he saw the wagons which Joseph had sent to carry him, the spirit of Jacob their father revived:
²⁸And Israel said, It is enough; Joseph my son is yet alive: I will go and see him before I die.

Genesis 44

Genesis 44

¹And he commanded the steward of his house, saying, Fill the men's sacks with food, as much as they can carry, and put every man's money in his sack's mouth.
²And put my cup, the silver cup, in the sack's mouth of the youngest, and his corn money. And he did according to the word that Joseph had spoken.
³As soon as the morning was light, the men were sent away, they and their asses.

You would check wouldn't you ? Caught out once sure, but the same trick again ?

⁴And when they were gone out of the city, and not yet far off, Joseph said unto his steward, Up, follow after the men; and when thou dost overtake them, say unto them, Wherefore have ye rewarded evil for good?
⁵Is not this it in which my lord drinketh, and whereby indeed he divineth? ye have done evil in so doing.
⁶And he overtook them, and he spake unto them these same words.
⁷And they said unto him, Wherefore saith my lord these words? God forbid that thy servants should do according to this thing:

Anyone else woul have said " Hey! You fuckin' with us again, you've gone and done stowed some shit in our sacks again."
But No.

⁸Behold, the money, which we found in our sacks' mouths, we brought again unto thee out of the land of Canaan: how then should we steal out of thy lord's house silver or gold?

And to compound it they say.

⁹With whomsoever of thy servants it be found, both let him die, and we also will be my lord's bondmen.

¹⁰And he said, Now also let it be according unto your words: he with whom it is found shall be my servant; and ye shall be blameless.
¹¹Then they speedily took down every man his sack to the ground, and opened every man his sack.

You would have thought they would have caught on by now but I suppose they didn't even trust each other, would you?

¹²And he searched, and began at the eldest, and left at the youngest: and the cup was found in Benjamin's sack.
¹³Then they rent their clothes, and laded every man his ass, and returned to the city.

Poor old Jacob I'll bet he's run out of his bread for his sammiches now.

¹⁴And Judah and his brethren came to Joseph's house; for he was yet there: and they fell before him on the ground.
¹⁵And Joseph said unto them, What deed is this that ye have done? wot ye not that such a man as I can certainly divine?

Which is to say"Y'all is thievin' bastards.

¹⁶And Judah said, What shall we say unto my lord? what shall we speak? or how shall we clear ourselves? God hath found out the iniquity of thy servants: behold, we are my lord's servants, both we, and he also with whom the cup is found.

Which is to say "No shit Sherlock we is descended from Abraham and can't be trusted.

¹⁷And he said, God forbid that I should do so: but the man in whose hand the cup is found, he shall be my servant; and as for you, get you up in peace unto your father.

I'll bet his yearning bowels can feel satisfaction acomin'

¹⁸Then Judah came near unto him, and said, Oh my lord, let thy servant, I pray thee, speak a word in my lord's ears, and let not thine anger burn against thy servant: for thou art even as Pharaoh.

Can I suck up to you boss?
and we will summon a flashback.
Waynes world Waynes world Waynes world.

¹⁹My lord asked his servants, saying, Have ye a father, or a brother?
²⁰And we said unto my lord, We have a father, an old man, and a child of his old age, a little one; and his brother is dead, and he alone is left of his mother, and his father loveth him.
²¹And thou saidst unto thy servants, Bring him down unto me, that I may set mine eyes upon him.
²²And we said unto my lord, The lad cannot leave his father: for if he should leave his father, his father would die.
²³And thou saidst unto thy servants, Except your youngest brother come down with you, ye shall see my face no more.
²⁴And it came to pass when we came up unto thy servant my father, we told him the words of my lord.

Flashbacks are always shorter why does this one seem twice as fucking long ?

²⁵And our father said, Go again, and buy us a little food.
²⁶And we said, We cannot go down: if our youngest brother be with us, then will we go down: for we may not see the man's face, except our youngest brother be with us.
²⁷And thy servant my father said unto us, Ye know that my wife bare me two sons:
²⁸And the one went out from me, and I said, Surely he is torn in pieces; and I saw him not since:
²⁹And if ye take this also from me, and mischief befall him, ye shall bring down my gray hairs with sorrow to the grave.
³⁰Now therefore when I come to thy servant my father, and the lad be not with us; seeing that his life is bound up in the lad's life;

He hasn't even mentioned that his sons lives are forfeit if he doesn't bring him back.

³¹It shall come to pass, when he seeth that the lad is not with us, that he will die: and thy servants shall bring down the gray hairs of thy servant our father with sorrow to the grave.
³²For thy servant became surety for the lad unto my father, saying, If I bring him not unto thee, then I shall bear the blame to my father for ever.
³³Now therefore, I pray thee, let thy servant abide instead of the lad a bondman to my lord; and let the lad go up with his brethren.
³⁴For how shall I go up to my father, and the lad be not with me? lest peradventure I see the evil that shall come on my father.

Genesis 43

¹And the famine was sore in the land.
²And it came to pass, when they had eaten up the corn which they had brought out of Egypt, their father said unto them, Go again, buy us a little food.

What ? They haven't gone straight back to retrieve their brother.

Fuck me with an armadillo's arm. As far as Jacob is concerned his son is rotting in an Egyptian prison and he has not even tried to go to Egypt until he can see himself getting hungry.

³And Judah spake unto him, saying, The man did solemnly protest unto us, saying, Ye shall not see my face, except your brother be with you.
⁴If thou wilt send our brother with us, we will go down and buy thee food:

So starving isn't really an issue, Jacob just wants grain to make bread cos' he luv's his sammiches.

⁵But if thou wilt not send him, we will not go down: for the man said unto us, Ye shall not see my face, except your brother be with you.

As Jacob/Israel had not sent any women to Egypt last time to blame he turned on Judah.

⁶And Israel said, Wherefore dealt ye so ill with me, as to tell the man whether ye had yet a brother?

Cos' it was all Judah's fault. Besides the magic number twelve wouldn't have been there.

⁷And they said, The man asked us straitly of our state, and of our kindred, saying, Is your father yet alive? have ye another brother? and we told him according to the tenor of these words: could we certainly know that he would say, Bring your brother down?

See, besmirched the family name. They were honest, never in more than three generations has any of this family been honest except to point the finger and say "Hedidit!"

⁸And Judah said unto Israel his father, Send the lad with me, and we will arise and go; that we may live, and not die, both we, and thou, and also our little ones.
⁹I will be surety for him; of my hand shalt thou require him: if I bring him not unto thee, and set him before thee, then let me bear the blame for ever:
¹⁰For except we had lingered, surely now we had returned this second time.

¹¹And their father Israel said unto them, If it must be so now, do this; take of the in the land in your vessels, and carry down the man a present, a little balm, best fruits and a little honey, spices, and myrrh, nuts, and almonds:

So tell me again about this famine in Canaan. With this much Bullshit about the land should have had no fertility problems.

¹²And take double money in your hand; and the money that was brought again in the mouth of your sacks, carry it again in your hand; peradventure it was an oversight:

Careful that sounds like the decent thing to do, Will the family reputation ever recover.

¹³Take also your brother, and arise, go again unto the man:
¹⁴And God Almighty give you mercy before the man, that he may send away your other brother, and Benjamin. If I be bereaved of my children, I am bereaved.

Just hurry up I want my sammich.

¹⁵And the men took that present, and they took double money in their hand and Benjamin; and rose up, and went down to Egypt, and stood before Joseph.
¹⁶And when Joseph saw Benjamin with them, he said to the ruler of his house, Bring these men home, and slay, and make ready; for these men shall dine with me at noon.
¹⁷And the man did as Joseph bade; and the man brought the men into Joseph's house.
¹⁸And the men were afraid, because they were brought into Joseph's house; and they said, Because of the money that was returned in our sacks at the first time are we brought in; that he may seek occasion against us, and fall upon us, and take us for bondmen, and our asses.
¹⁹And they came near to the steward of Joseph's house, and they communed with him at the door of the house,

I can't help feeling this is gonna be good.

²⁰And said, O sir, we came indeed down at the first time to buy food:
²¹And it came to pass, when we came to the inn, that we opened our sacks, and, behold, every man's money was in the mouth of his sack, our money in full weight: and we have brought it again in our hand.

Cos' we couldn't be arsed to return when we had full sacks and full bellies.

²²And other money have we brought down in our hands to buy food: we cannot tell who put our money in our sacks.

Honest Guv.

²³And he said, Peace be to you, fear not: your God, and the God of your father, hath given you treasure in your sacks: I had your money. And he brought Simeon out unto them.

²⁴And the man brought the men into Joseph's house, and gave them water, and they washed their feet; and he gave their asses provender.

I bet that doesn't mean what it looks like

²⁵And they made ready the present against Joseph came at noon: for they heard that they should eat bread there.

Jacob should have come, he's missing out on his sammiches.

²⁶And when Joseph came home, they brought him the present which was in their hand into the house, and bowed themselves to him to the earth.
²⁷And he asked them of their welfare, and said, Is your father well, the old man of whom ye spake? Is he yet alive?
²⁸And they answered, Thy servant our father is in good health, he is yet alive. And they bowed down their heads, and made obeisance.
²⁹And he lifted up his eyes, and saw his brother Benjamin, his mother's son, and said, Is this your younger brother, of whom ye spake unto me? And he said, God be gracious unto thee, my son.

³⁰And Joseph made haste; for his bowels did yearn upon his brother: and he sought where to weep; and he entered into his chamber, and wept there.

My mistake "gave their asses provender." must've meant what I thought it did.

³¹And he washed his face, and went out, and refrained himself, and said, Set on bread.

³²And they set on for him by himself, and for them by themselves, and for the Egyptians, which did eat with him, by themselves: because the Egyptians might not eat bread with the Hebrews; for that is an abomination unto the Egyptians.

From the laws of Horus

Let no Egyptian partake of food or break bread with the Hebrew, This has been the proclamation of all the gods of heaven. Else this shall ye know as it is known in heaven that the Hebrew are dirty cunts at the dinner table.

Ok I made that up but I feel I am in good company.

³³And they sat before him, the first born according to his birthright, and the youngest according to his youth: and the men marvelled one at another.³⁴And he took and sent messes unto them from before him: but Benjamin's mess was five times so much as any of their's. And they drank, and were merry with him.

Honest I made that up before I read the last couple of lines I didn't know they were really dirty cunts.

Genesis 42

Genesis 42

¹Now when Jacob saw that there was corn in Egypt, Jacob said unto his sons, Why do ye look one upon another?

Probably because they had seen god popping in for an "all night wrestling session" and were wondering whether they should try it.

²And he said, Behold, I have heard that there is corn in Egypt: get you down thither, and buy for us from thence; that we may live, and not die.

Cos' we all know god won't save 'em and man cannot live by semen alone.

Some one please correct me if I am wrong but Egypt is and was fed by the Nile. The Nile originates a long way south in Africa. Jacob unless they have moved from Bethel already mentioned using wells and was living much nearer the Jordan which has a source(s) to the north. So I would have thought that if something had occurred that affected the water levels in the Nile would not have affected Jacobs water source.

Surely any other reason that would have affected both locations[one a teaming city the other a farmstead/livestock operation] would have been big enough to have been mentioned somewhere.

Perhaps they were just crap farmers, maybe if that wanker god had shown a bit of foresight back in Eden and not shit on all Cains hard work ?

Jacob would have surely learned in all his time working for his father in law the practice of ditches for irrigation.

³And Joseph's ten brethren went down to buy corn in Egypt.
⁴But Benjamin, Joseph's brother, Jacob sent not with his brethren; for he said, Lest peradventure mischief befall him.

Who Benjamin or Jacob?

Or perhaps god was off somewhere else and Jacob needed someone else to "wrestle" with.

⁵And the sons of Israel came to buy corn among those that came: for the famine was in the land of Canaan.
⁶And Joseph was the governor over the land, and he it was that sold to all the people of the land:and Joseph's brethren came, and bowed down themselves before him with their faces to the earth.

Now theres another reason to associate Hebrews with India.
He's emmigrated and set up a corner shop.

⁷And Joseph saw his brethren, and he knew them, but made himself strange unto them, and spake roughly unto them; and he said unto them, Whence come ye? And they said, From the land of Canaan to buy food.

Thats another thing Egypt why? The city of Dan was closer and an easier journey.

⁸And Joseph knew his brethren, but they knew not him.

I assume this means recognise, not they had sex.

⁹And Joseph remembered the dreams which he dreamed of them, and said unto them, Ye are spies; to see the nakedness of the land ye are come.
¹⁰And they said unto him, Nay, my lord, but to buy food are thy servants come.
¹¹We are all one man's sons; we are true men, thy servants are no spies.
¹²And he said unto them, Nay, but to see the nakedness of the land ye are come.
¹³And they said, Thy servants are twelve brethren, the sons of one man in the land of Canaan; and, behold, the youngest is this day with our father, and one is not.
¹⁴And Joseph said unto them, That is it that I spake unto you, saying, Ye are spies:
¹⁵Hereby ye shall be proved: By the life of Pharaoh ye shall not go forth hence, except your youngest brother come hither.
¹⁶Send one of you, and let him fetch your brother, and ye shall be kept in prison, that your words may be proved, whether there be any truth in you: or else by the life of Pharaoh surely ye are spies.
¹⁷And he put them all together into ward three days.
¹⁸And Joseph said unto them the third day, This do, and live; for I fear God:

As shown by his total disregard for anyone else save himself.

¹⁹If ye be true men, let one of your brethren be bound in the house of your prison: go ye, carry corn for the famine of your houses:
²⁰But bring your youngest brother unto me; so shall your words be verified, and ye shall not die. And they did so.
²¹And they said one to another, We are verily guilty concerning our brother, in that we saw the anguish of his soul, when he besought us, and we would not hear; therefore is this distress come upon us.

Is this guilt ?

²²And Reuben answered them, saying, Spake I not unto you, saying, Do not sin against the child; and ye would not hear? therefore, behold, also his blood is required.

Yes but only because they think they are being punished for selling their brother.

²³And they knew not that Joseph understood them; for he spake unto them by an interpreter.
²⁴And he turned himself about from them, and wept; and returned to them again, and communed with them, and took from them Simeon, and bound him before their eyes.
²⁵Then Joseph commanded to fill their sacks with corn, and to restore every man's money into his sack, and to give them provision for the way: and thus did he unto them.

On the face of it seems like a nice gesture but being Joseph no doubt there is some unhealthy twist to it.

²⁶And they laded their asses with the corn, and departed thence.
²⁷And as one of them opened his sack to give his ass provender in the inn, he espied his money; for, behold, it was in his sack's mouth.

So they have travelled to egypt to buy grain to feed their families, and at the inn where you would expect them to be able to buy fodder for thier asses and themselves they are wasting the grain on thier asses.

²⁸And he said unto his brethren, My money is restored; and, lo, it is even in my sack: and their heart failed them, and they were afraid, saying one to another, What is this that God hath done unto us?
²⁹And they came unto Jacob their father unto the land of Canaan, and told him all that befell unto them; saying,
³⁰The man, who is the lord of the land, spake roughly to us, and took us for spies of the country.
³¹And we said unto him, We are true men; we are no spies:
³²We be twelve brethren, sons of our father; one is not, and the youngest is this day with our father in the land of Canaan.
³³And the man, the lord of the country, said unto us, Hereby shall I know that ye are true men; leave one of your brethren here with me, and take food for the famine of your households, and be gone:
³⁴And bring your youngest brother unto me: then shall I know that ye are no spies, but that ye are true men: so will I deliver you your brother, and ye shall traffick in the land.
³⁵And it came to pass as they emptied their sacks, that, behold, every man's bundle of money was in his sack: and when both they and their father saw the bundles of money, they were afraid.
³⁶And Jacob their father said unto them, Me have ye bereaved of my children: Joseph is not, and Simeon is not, and ye will take Benjamin away: all these things are against me.
³⁷And Reuben spake unto his father, saying, Slay my two sons, if I bring him not to thee: deliver him into my hand, and I will bring him to thee again.

Oh! That'll be alright then.

³⁸And he said, My son shall not go down with you; for his brother is dead, and he is left alone: if mischief befall him by the way in the which ye go, then shall ye bring down my gray hairs with sorrow to the grave.

Genesis 41

Genesis 41

¹And it came to pass at the end of two full years, that Pharaoh dreamed: and, behold, he stood by the river.

That was some birthday party

²And, behold, there came up out of the river seven well favoured kine and fatfleshed; and they fed in a meadow.
³And, behold, seven other kine came up after them out of the river, ill favoured and lean fleshed; and stood by the other kine upon the brink of the river.
⁴And the ill favoured and leanfleshed kine did eat up the seven well favoured and fat kine. So Pharaoh awoke.
⁵And he slept and dreamed the second time: and, behold, seven ears of corn came up upon one stalk, rank and good.
⁶And, behold, seven thin ears and blasted with the east wind sprung up after them.
⁷And the seven thin ears devoured the seven rank and full ears. And Pharaoh awoke, and, behold, it was a dream.
⁸And it came to pass in the morning that his spirit was troubled; and he sent and called for all the magicians of Egypt, and all the wise men thereof: and Pharaoh told them his dream; but there was none that could interpret them unto Pharaoh.

Maybe I know this story too well but I thought these two examples are almost self- explanatory.

⁹Then spake the chief butler unto Pharaoh, saying, I do remember my faults this day:
¹⁰Pharaoh was wroth with his servants, and put me in ward in the captain of the guard's house, both me and the chief baker:
¹¹And we dreamed a dream in one night, I and he; we dreamed each man according to the interpretation of his dream.
¹²And there was there with us a young man, an Hebrew, servant to the captain of the guard; and we told him, and he interpreted to us our dreams; to each man according to his dream he did interpret.
¹³And it came to pass, as he interpreted to us, so it was; me he restored unto mine office, and him he hanged.
¹⁴Then Pharaoh sent and called Joseph, and they brought him hastily out of the dungeon: and he shaved himself, and changed his raiment, and came in unto Pharaoh.

So it was Ok fror hebrew's to shave hmmm.

¹⁵And Pharaoh said unto Joseph, I have dreamed a dream, and there is none that can interpret it: and I have heard say of thee, that thou canst understand a dream to interpret it.
¹⁶And Joseph answered Pharaoh, saying, It is not in me: God shall give Pharaoh an answer of peace.

Because a con is so much better if an "all powerful" deity does it, rather than some imprisoned fuckwit from the hills who attempted to rape his masters wife.

¹⁷And Pharaoh said unto Joseph, In my dream, behold, I stood upon the bank of the river: ¹⁸And, behold, there came up out of the river seven kine, fatfleshed and well favoured; and they fed in a meadow:
¹⁹And, behold, seven other kine came up after them, poor and very ill favoured and leanfleshed, such as I never saw in all the land of Egypt for badness:
²⁰And the lean and the ill favoured kine did eat up the first seven fat kine:
²¹And when they had eaten them up, it could not be known that they had eaten them; but they were still ill favoured, as at the beginning. So I awoke.

Too much cheese before bedtime maybe ? Or maybe just the DT's.
If you don't know Kine apparently are cows.

²²And I saw in my dream, and, behold, seven ears came up in one stalk, full and good:
²³And, behold, seven ears, withered, thin, and blasted with the east wind, sprung up after them:
²⁴And the thin ears devoured the seven good ears: and I told this unto the magicians; but there was none that could declare it to me.

Even though Egypt was capable of many things some of which we would have trouble matching even today. I have no problem accepting dream interpretation as fact for them but I do have a problem with belief in it today.

²⁵And Joseph said unto Pharaoh, The dream of Pharaoh is one: God hath shewed Pharaoh what he is about to do.
²⁶The seven good kine are seven years; and the seven good ears are seven years: the dream is one.
²⁷And the seven thin and ill favoured kine that came up after them are seven years; and the seven empty ears blasted with the east wind shall be seven years of famine.
²⁸This is the thing which I have spoken unto Pharaoh: What God is about to do he sheweth unto Pharaoh.
²⁹Behold, there come seven years of great plenty throughout all the land of Egypt:
³⁰And there shall arise after them seven years of famine; and all the plenty shall be forgotten in the land of Egypt; and the famine shall consume the land;

I submit that this was part of normal life for the Ancient Egyptians the cycle of the Nile and its annual floods.
Joseph had lived just outside Egypt for most of his life and spend more than two years actually in it. He would have known about the cycle of the Nile, he would have also known of the Pharoah's need to keep his people happy by managing the waters. More than that he needed an out.

³¹And the plenty shall not be known in the land by reason of that famine following; for it shall be very grievous.
³²And for that the dream was doubled unto Pharaoh twice; it is because the thing is established by God, and God will shortly bring it to pass.

Con artist of the highest order !

³³Now therefore let Pharaoh look out a man discreet and wise, and set him over the land of Egypt.
³⁴Let Pharaoh do this, and let him appoint officers over the land, and take up the fifth part of the land of Egypt in the seven plenteous years.
³⁵And let them gather all the food of those good years that come, and lay up corn under the hand of Pharaoh, and let them keep food in the cities.
³⁶And that food shall be for store to the land against the seven years of famine, which shall be in the land of Egypt; that the land perish not through the famine.

So the great pyramid is thought to have been built around 2,500 BCE. and has as far as I know accepted to pre-date Joseph. How the fuck does a culture capable of this feat of engineeing not have the savvy to store excess grain.

³⁷And the thing was good in the eyes of Pharaoh, and in the eyes of all his servants.
³⁸And Pharaoh said unto his servants, Can we find such a one as this is, a man in whom the Spirit of God is?

No doubt answered by joseph with a polite cough and a nonchalant stare at his feet.

³⁹And Pharaoh said unto Joseph, Forasmuch as God hath shewed thee all this, there is none so discreet and wise as thou art:

As proved by his wisdom and discretion at trying to rape his masters wife.

⁴⁰Thou shalt be over my house, and according unto thy word shall all my people be ruled: only in the throne will I be greater than thou.
⁴¹And Pharaoh said unto Joseph, See, I have set thee over all the land of Egypt.
⁴²And Pharaoh took off his ring from his hand, and put it upon Joseph's hand, and arrayed him in vestures of fine linen, and put a gold chain about his neck;
⁴³And he made him to ride in the second chariot which he had; and they cried before him, Bow the knee: and he made him ruler over all the land of Egypt.
⁴⁴And Pharaoh said unto Joseph, I am Pharaoh, and without thee shall no man lift up his hand or foot in all the land of Egypt.
⁴⁵And Pharaoh called Joseph's name Zaphnathpaaneah; and he gave him to wife Asenath the daughter of Potipherah priest of On. And Joseph went out over all the land of Egypt.
⁴⁶And Joseph was thirty years old when he stood before Pharaoh king of Egypt. And Joseph went out from the presence of Pharaoh, and went throughout all the land of Egypt.

This to me is portraying this pharoah as a real dumb fuck, this whole tale is pure myth, the mythical bread and wine ,the number seven and the "saviour" of egypt.

⁴⁷And in the seven plenteous years the earth brought forth by handfuls.
⁴⁸And he gathered up all the food of the seven years, which were in the land of Egypt, and laid up the food in the cities: the food of the field, which was round about every city, laid he up in the same.
⁴⁹And Joseph gathered corn as the sand of the sea, very much, until he left numbering; for it was without number.
⁵⁰And unto Joseph were born two sons before the years of famine came, which Asenath the daughter of Potipherah priest of On bare unto him.

I would have thought he would have had a "hebrew" wife Fed Ex'ed over to Egypt from his family, perhaps he was still pissed with them for selling him ?

⁵¹And Joseph called the name of the firstborn Manasseh: For God, said he, hath made me forget all my toil, and all my father's house.

Yep, he was still pissed.

⁵²And the name of the second called he Ephraim: For God hath caused me to be fruitful in the land of my affliction.

Affliction ? I could cope with an affliction like that.

⁵³And the seven years of plenteousness, that was in the land of Egypt, were ended.
⁵⁴And the seven years of dearth began to come, according as Joseph had said: and the dearth was in all lands; but in all the land of Egypt there was bread.
⁵⁵And when all the land of Egypt was famished, the people cried to Pharaoh for bread: and Pharaoh said unto all the Egyptians, Go unto Joseph; what he saith to you, do.
⁵⁶And the famine was over all the face of the earth: and Joseph opened all the storehouses, and sold unto the Egyptians; and the famine waxed sore in the land of Egypt.
⁵⁷And all countries came into Egypt to Joseph for to buy corn; because that the famine was so sore in all lands.

Genesis 40

Genesis 40

¹And it came to pass after these things, that the butler of the king of Egypt and his baker had offended their lord the king of Egypt.
The king found out how the butler was giving a helping "hand" to the baker,and how they were putting the holes in bagels.
²And Pharaoh was wroth against two of his officers, against the chief of the butlers, and against the chief of the bakers.
I have a sudden urge to point out that some translations say cup-bearer not butler.
³And he put them in ward in the house of the captain of the guard, into the prison, the place where Joseph was bound.
⁴And the captain of the guard charged Joseph with them, and he served them: and they continued a season in ward.
Is this a reference to prison rape ? and today's word is spitroast.
⁵And they dreamed a dream both of them, each man his dream in one night, each man according to the interpretation of his dream, the butler and the baker of the king of Egypt, which were bound in the prison.
⁶And Joseph came in unto them in the morning, and looked upon them, and, behold, they were sad.
No shit! They have lost their cushy jobs and are in prison not knowing if and when they are going to get out.
⁷And he asked Pharaoh's officers that were with him in the ward of his lord's house, saying, Wherefore look ye so sadly to day?
Always looking for a con.
⁸And they said unto him, We have dreamed a dream, and there is no interpreter of it. And Joseph said unto them, Do not interpretations belong to God? tell me them, I pray you.
⁹And the chief butler told his dream to Joseph, and said to him, In my dream, behold, a vine was before me;
¹⁰And in the vine were three branches: and it was as though it budded, and her blossoms shot forth; and the clusters thereof brought forth ripe grapes:
¹¹And Pharaoh's cup was in my hand: and I took the grapes, and pressed them into Pharaoh's cup, and I gave the cup into Pharaoh's hand.
¹²And Joseph said unto him, This is the interpretation of it: The three branches are three days:
¹³Yet within three days shall Pharaoh lift up thine head, and restore thee unto thy place: and thou shalt deliver Pharaoh's cup into his hand, after the former manner when thou wast his butler.
¹⁴But think on me when it shall be well with thee, and shew kindness, I pray thee, unto me, and make mention of me unto Pharaoh, and bring me out of this house:
See always looking for an angle.
¹⁵For indeed I was stolen away out of the land of the Hebrews: and here also have I done nothing that they should put me into the dungeon.
Nothing apart from attempted rape.
¹⁶When the chief baker saw that the interpretation was good, he said unto Joseph, I also was in my dream, and, behold, I had three white baskets on my head:
¹⁷And in the uppermost basket there was of all manner of bakemeats for Pharaoh; and the birds did eat them out of the basket upon my head.
¹⁸And Joseph answered and said, This is the interpretation thereof: The three baskets are three days:
¹⁹Yet within three days shall Pharaoh lift up thy head from off thee, and shall hang thee on a tree; and the birds shall eat thy flesh from off thee.
That's sure to cheer him up.Especially as other translations have impaled.
I can't help but notice these two prisoners have jobs working with the products of the alleged trees of life and knowledge.
²⁰And it came to pass the third day, which was Pharaoh's birthday, that he made a feast unto all his servants: and he lifted up the head of the chief butler and of the chief baker among his servants.

²¹And he restored the chief butler unto his butlership again; and he gave the cup into Pharaoh's hand:
²²But he hanged the chief baker: as Joseph had interpreted to them.
²³Yet did not the chief butler remember Joseph, but forgat him.