Answers in Genesis

Fuck me I nearly slashed my wrist's, the fucking tedium of trawling through what amounts to a couple of fairy tales loosely cobbled together with lists of people that today would be locked away in a soft walled cell.
Answers in genesis, are there any? Yes! Shocked, don't be, the answers in genesis, are the answers to the following questions.

1. Did some people in ancient Canaan spend too much time in the sun ?
   
2. Did they sit around campfires getting shitfaced telling each other bullshit stories ?
   
3. Were they averse to some man on man loving ?
   
4. Were Wives and Daughters equal in status to livestock ?
   
5. Was it Ok to whore out the said Wives, Daughters and Widows of family members ?
   
6. Was killing an unwanted suitor acceptable practice ?
   
7. Is incest acceptable in polite society?
8. Is the Idea of god the product of a seriously deranged imagination ?
9. Could you get, feed and keep specimens of the worlds animal population in your local kwik E mart for ten month's ?
10. Has modern science discovered anything that some uneducated camel shagger may not of been aware of 6,000 years ago ?
11. Was there an astrological base for the judean /christian/islamic/mormon mythos ?
    

If these are the questions you are asking yes the answers are there. If however your questions are where did the universe/man/animals etc. come from. then you are as bat shit crazy as the lunatic family we have just been reading about.

Genesis 50

Genesis 50

¹And Joseph fell upon his father's face, and wept upon him, and kissed him.
²And Joseph commanded his servants the physicians to embalm his father: and the physicians embalmed Israel.

Shame one of Jacobs wives hadn't made it to Egypt they both could have been "embalmed" and then "mounted"

³And forty days were fulfilled for him; for so are fulfilled the days of those which are embalmed: and the Egyptians mourned for him threescore and ten days.
⁴And when the days of his mourning were past, Joseph spake unto the house of Pharaoh, saying, If now I have found grace in your eyes, speak, I pray you, in the ears of Pharaoh, saying,
⁵My father made me swear, saying, Lo, I die: in my grave which I have digged for me in the land of Canaan, there shalt thou bury me. Now therefore let me go up, I pray thee, and bury my father, and I will come again.

If Joseph was a free man why would he need to ask permission ?

⁶And Pharaoh said, Go up, and bury thy father, according as he made thee swear.
⁷And Joseph went up to bury his father: and with him went up all the servants of Pharaoh, the elders of his house, and all the elders of the land of Egypt,

Why ? What would Pharoah send all his servants for ?
Would he not need them himself, were Joseph's own servants somehow incompetent or untrustworthy?

⁸And all the house of Joseph, and his brethren, and his father's house: only their little ones, and their flocks, and their herds, they left in the land of Goshen.
⁹And there went up with him both chariots and horsemen: and it was a very great company.
¹⁰And they came to the threshing floor of Atad, which is beyond Jordan, and there they mourned with a great and very sore lamentation: and he made a mourning for his father seven days.
¹¹And when the inhabitants of the land, the Canaanites, saw the mourning in the floor of Atad, they said, This is a grievous mourning to the Egyptians: wherefore the name of it was called Abelmizraim, which is beyond Jordan.
¹²And his sons did unto him according as he commanded them:

Preists do well out of these last couple of chapters of genesis don't they.

¹³For his sons carried him into the land of Canaan, and buried him in the cave of the field of Machpelah, which Abraham bought with the field for a possession of a burying place of Ephron the Hittite, before Mamre.
¹⁴And Joseph returned into Egypt, he, and his brethren, and all that went up with him to bury his father, after he had buried his father.
¹⁵And when Joseph's brethren saw that their father was dead, they said, Joseph will peradventure hate us, and will certainly requite us all the evil which we did unto him.

Fuck me! Genuine reactions and emotions, you gotta admit if you saw your long lost bro returning home with a veritable army, you would shit your pants even wearing a dress like these people did you would.

¹⁶And they sent a messenger unto Joseph, saying, Thy father did command before he died, saying,
¹⁷So shall ye say unto Joseph, Forgive, I pray thee now, the trespass of thy brethren, and their sin; for they did unto thee evil: and now, we pray thee, forgive the trespass of the servants of the God of thy father. And Joseph wept when they spake unto him.
¹⁸And his brethren also went and fell down before his face; and they said, Behold, we be thy servants.
¹⁹And Joseph said unto them, Fear not: for am I in the place of God?
²⁰But as for you, ye thought evil against me; but God meant it unto good, to bring to pass, as it is this day, to save much people alive.
²¹Now therefore fear ye not: I will nourish you, and your little ones. And he comforted them, and spake kindly unto them.

And now the epilogue

²²And Joseph dwelt in Egypt, he, and his father's house: and Joseph lived an hundred and ten years.
²³And Joseph saw Ephraim's children of the third generation: the children also of Machir the son of Manasseh were brought up upon Joseph's knees.
²⁴And Joseph said unto his brethren, I die: and God will surely visit you, and bring you out of this land unto the land which he sware to Abraham, to Isaac, and to Jacob.
²⁵And Joseph took an oath of the children of Israel, saying, God will surely visit you, and ye shall carry up my bones from hence.
²⁶So Joseph died, being an hundred and ten years old: and they embalmed him, and he was put in a coffin in Egypt.

Short and sweet you would have expected more his ancestors built cities and he had more money, more men and more power, and all he did was act as a climbing frame for his and his brothers grand children.

Genesis 49

Genesis 49

¹And Jacob called unto his sons, and said, Gather yourselves together, that I may tell you that which shall befall you in the last days.

Can you believe it the sahara still has puddles after the flood and they've started calling on the "end times". Dickheads today are still saying the same thing, how many thousand years later ?

²Gather yourselves together, and hear, ye sons of Jacob; and hearken unto Israel your father.
³Reuben, thou art my firstborn, my might, and the beginning of my strength, the excellency of dignity, and the excellency of power:
⁴Unstable as water, thou shalt not excel; because thou wentest up to thy father's bed; then defiledst thou it: he went up to my couch.

I'll bet that gets quoted by many catholic priests too.However some scholers believe the passage meant he bonked one of Jacobs wives.

⁵Simeon and Levi are brethren; instruments of cruelty are in their habitations.
⁶O my soul, come not thou into their secret; unto their assembly, mine honour, be not thou united: for in their anger they slew a man, and in their selfwill they digged down a wall.
⁷Cursed be their anger, for it was fierce; and their wrath, for it was cruel: I will divide them in Jacob, and scatter them in Israel.

Other translations have "and hamstrung oxen as they pleased."
Bit more extreme than pulling the wings off flies. But god obviously doesn't mind because they are from Abrahams loins.

⁸Judah, thou art he whom thy brethren shall praise: thy hand shall be in the neck of thine enemies; thy father's children shall bow down before thee.

Another verse in the Priests quote mining catalogue.

⁹Judah is a lion's whelp: from the prey, my son, thou art gone up: he stooped down, he couched as a lion, and as an old lion; who shall rouse him up?
¹⁰The sceptre shall not depart from Judah, nor a lawgiver from between his feet, until Shiloh come; and unto him shall the gathering of the people be.

Shiloh being the time of tribute,possibly judgement day.

¹¹Binding his foal unto the vine, and his ass's colt unto the choice vine; he washed his garments in wine, and his clothes in the blood of grapes:
¹²His eyes shall be red with wine, and his teeth white with milk.
¹³Zebulun shall dwell at the haven of the sea; and he shall be for an haven of ships; and his border shall be unto Zidon.
¹⁴Issachar is a strong ass couching down between two burdens:

Catholic quote mine

¹⁵And he saw that rest was good, and the land that it was pleasant; and bowed his shoulder to bear, and became a servant unto tribute.
¹⁶Dan shall judge his people, as one of the tribes of Israel.
¹⁷Dan shall be a serpent by the way, an adder in the path, that biteth the horse heels, so that his rider shall fall backward.

Remember the serpent in Eden this shows that a serpent at the time was not a snake but an educated and knowledgeable human being.

¹⁸I have waited for thy salvation, O LORD.
¹⁹Gad, a troop shall overcome him: but he shall overcome at the last.
²⁰Out of Asher his bread shall be fat, and he shall yield royal dainties.

After all those years of making sammiches for his dad.

²¹Naphtali is a hind let loose: he giveth goodly words.
²²Joseph is a fruitful bough, even a fruitful bough by a well; whose branches run over the wall:
²³The archers have sorely grieved him, and shot at him, and hated him:
²⁴But his bow abode in strength, and the arms of his hands were made strong by the hands of the mighty God of Jacob; (from thence is the shepherd, the stone of Israel:)

Why is there a smiley at the end of that sentence is it because it should be taken with a pinch of salt.

²⁵Even by the God of thy father, who shall help thee; and by the Almighty, who shall bless thee with blessings of heaven above, blessings of the deep that lieth under, blessings of the breasts, and of the womb:

Are they not the same ?

²⁶The blessings of thy father have prevailed above the blessings of my progenitors unto the utmost bound of the everlasting hills: they shall be on the head of Joseph, and on the crown of the head of him that was separate from his brethren.
²⁷Benjamin shall ravin as a wolf: in the morning he shall devour the prey, and at night he shall divide the spoil.

And he seemed such a nice boy.

²⁸All these are the twelve tribes of Israel: and this is it that their father spake unto them, and blessed them; every one according to his blessing he blessed them.
²⁹And he charged them, and said unto them, I am to be gathered unto my people: bury me with my fathers in the cave that is in the field of Ephron the Hittite,
³⁰In the cave that is in the field of Machpelah, which is before Mamre, in the land of Canaan, which Abraham bought with the field of Ephron the Hittite for a possession of a buryingplace.
³¹There they buried Abraham and Sarah his wife; there they buried Isaac and Rebekah his wife; and there I buried Leah.
³²The purchase of the field and of the cave that is therein was from the children of Heth.jj³³And when Jacob had made an end of commanding his sons, he gathered up his feet into the bed, and yielded up the ghost, and was gathered unto his people.

So god told Jacob he would return home: Tis means either god is not omniscient or he is a lying cunt !

Genesis 48

Genesis 48

¹And it came to pass after these things, that one told Joseph, Behold, thy father is sick: and he took with him his two sons, Manasseh and Ephraim.

The whole fucking family is sick.
Probably because of all the inbreeding.

²And one told Jacob, and said, Behold, thy son Joseph cometh unto thee: and Israel strengthened himself, and sat upon the bed.
³And Jacob said unto Joseph, God Almighty appeared unto me at Luz in the land of Canaan, and blessed me,
⁴And said unto me, Behold, I will make thee fruitful, and multiply thee, and I will make of thee a multitude of people; and will give this land to thy seed after thee for an everlasting possession.

Rambling on his death bed.

⁵And now thy two sons, Ephraim and Manasseh, which were born unto thee in the land of Egypt before I came unto thee into Egypt, are mine; as Reuben and Simeon, they shall be mine.
⁶And thy issue, which thou begettest after them, shall be thine, and shall be called after the name of their brethren in their inheritance.
⁷And as for me, when I came from Padan, Rachel died by me in the land of Canaan in the way, when yet there was but a little way to come unto Ephrath: and I buried her there in the way of Ephrath; the same is Bethlehem.
⁸And Israel beheld Joseph's sons, and said, Who are these?
⁹And Joseph said unto his father, They are my sons, whom God hath given me in this place. And he said, Bring them, I pray thee, unto me, and I will bless them.

Another death bed blessing, for a family that created athe creator they don't seem to have much imagination.

¹⁰Now the eyes of Israel were dim for age, so that he could not see. And he brought them near unto him; and he kissed them, and embraced them.

One of the most important verses of the bible for the catholic priesthood.

¹¹And Israel said unto Joseph, I had not thought to see thy face: and, lo, God hath shewed me also thy seed.

Eeww!

¹²And Joseph brought them out from between his knees, and he bowed himself with his face to the earth.
¹³And Joseph took them both, Ephraim in his right hand toward Israel's left hand, and Manasseh in his left hand toward Israel's right hand, and brought them near unto him.

Earliest recorded gay spitroast ?

¹⁴And Israel stretched out his right hand, and laid it upon Ephraim's head, who was the younger, and his left hand upon Manasseh's head, guiding his hands wittingly; for Manasseh was the firstborn.

This is just fucking sordid.

¹⁵And he blessed Joseph, and said, God, before whom my fathers Abraham and Isaac did walk, the God which fed me all my life long unto this day,
¹⁶The Angel which redeemed me from all evil, bless the lads; and let my name be named on them, and the name of my fathers Abraham and Isaac; and let them grow into a multitude in the midst of the earth.
¹⁷And when Joseph saw that his father laid his right hand upon the head of Ephraim, it displeased him: and he held up his father's hand, to remove it from Ephraim's head unto Manasseh's head.
¹⁸And Joseph said unto his father, Not so, my father: for this is the firstborn; put thy right hand upon his head.

Daddy don't molest my children like that.......... do it properly !

¹⁹And his father refused, and said, I know it, my son, I know it: he also shall become a people, and he also shall be great: but truly his younger brother shall be greater than he, and his seed shall become a multitude of nations.
²⁰And he blessed them that day, saying, In thee shall Israel bless, saying, God make thee as Ephraim and as Manasseh: and he set Ephraim before Manasseh.

²¹And Israel said unto Joseph, Behold, I die: but God shall be with you, and bring you again unto the land of your fathers.
²²Moreover I have given to thee one portion above thy brethren, which I took out of the hand of the Amorite with my sword and with my bow.

Did god not promise he would get home after seeing Joseph ?

Genesis 47

Genesis 47

¹Then Joseph came and told Pharaoh, and said, My father and my brethren, and their flocks, and their herds, and all that they have, are come out of the land of Canaan; and, behold, they are in the land of Goshen.
²And he took some of his brethren, even five men, and presented them unto Pharaoh.
³And Pharaoh said unto his brethren, What is your occupation? And they said unto Pharaoh, Thy servants are shepherds, both we, and also our fathers.

Fathers, plural I knew it.

⁴They said morever unto Pharaoh, For to sojourn in the land are we come; for thy servants have no pasture for their flocks; for the famine is sore in the land of Canaan: now therefore, we pray thee, let thy servants dwell in the land of Goshen.
⁵And Pharaoh spake unto Joseph, saying, Thy father and thy brethren are come unto thee:
⁶The land of Egypt is before thee; in the best of the land make thy father and brethren to dwell; in the land of Goshen let them dwell: and if thou knowest any men of activity among them, then make them rulers over my cattle.

If only he could see into the future.
It ain't what you know it's who you know.

⁷And Joseph brought in Jacob his father, and set him before Pharaoh: and Jacob blessed Pharaoh.
⁸And Pharaoh said unto Jacob, How old art thou?
⁹And Jacob said unto Pharaoh, The days of the years of my pilgrimage are an hundred and thirty years: few and evil have the days of the years of my life been, and have not attained unto the days of the years of the life of my fathers in the days of their pilgrimage.
¹⁰And Jacob blessed Pharaoh, and went out from before Pharaoh.

Arrogant cunt.

¹¹And Joseph placed his father and his brethren, and gave them a possession in the land of Egypt, in the best of the land, in the land of Rameses, as Pharaoh had commanded.

So if Jacobs age is to be believed you are talking of two to one hundred years after the fall of Sodom and Gommorah. Somewhere between 2800 and1800 years B.C.E.

¹²And Joseph nourished his father, and his brethren, and all his father's household, with bread, according to their families.

Jacob gets his sammich

¹³And there was no bread in all the land; for the famine was very sore, so that the land of Egypt and all the land of Canaan fainted by reason of the famine.

Greedy bastards ate the lot

¹⁴And Joseph gathered up all the money that was found in the land of Egypt, and in the land of Canaan, for the corn which they bought: and Joseph brought the money into Pharaoh's house.
¹⁵And when money failed in the land of Egypt, and in the land of Canaan, all the Egyptians came unto Joseph, and said, Give us bread: for why should we die in thy presence? for the money faileth.
¹⁶And Joseph said, Give your cattle; and I will give you for your cattle, if money fail.

Mercenary bastard! That's it show gods love, by bleeding them dry.

¹⁷And they brought their cattle unto Joseph: and Joseph gave them bread in exchange for horses, and for the flocks, and for the cattle of the herds, and for the asses: and he fed them with bread for all their cattle for that year.
¹⁸When that year was ended, they came unto him the second year, and said unto him, We will not hide it from my lord, how that our money is spent; my lord also hath our herds of cattle; there is not ought left in the sight of my lord, but our bodies, and our lands:

Bleed you fuckers bleed.

¹⁹Wherefore shall we die before thine eyes, both we and our land? buy us and our land for bread, and we and our land will be servants unto Pharaoh: and give us seed, that we may live, and not die, that the land be not desolate.
²⁰And Joseph bought all the land of Egypt for Pharaoh; for the Egyptians sold every man his field, because the famine prevailed over them: so the land became Pharaoh's.
²¹And as for the people, he removed them to cities from one end of the borders of Egypt even to the other end thereof.
²²Only the land of the priests bought he not; for the priests had a portion assigned them of Pharaoh, and did eat their portion which Pharaoh gave them: wherefore they sold not their lands.

Typical! The religious hierarchy get preferential treatment.

²³Then Joseph said unto the people, Behold, I have bought you this day and your land for Pharaoh: lo, here is seed for you, and ye shall sow the land.
²⁴And it shall come to pass in the increase, that ye shall give the fifth part unto Pharaoh, and four parts shall be your own, for seed of the field, and for your food, and for them of your households, and for food for your little ones.
²⁵And they said, Thou hast saved our lives: let us find grace in the sight of my lord, and we will be Pharaoh's servants.

My lord being pharoah

²⁶And Joseph made it a law over the land of Egypt unto this day, that Pharaoh should have the fifth part, except the land of the priests only, which became not Pharaoh's.

Things don't change, tax the populace let the parasitic priesthood get off scot free.

²⁷And Israel dwelt in the land of Egypt, in the country of Goshen; and they had possessions therein, and grew, and multiplied exceedingly.

No wonder the Egyptians were having such a hard time Jacobs entourage and the priests to support.

²⁸And Jacob lived in the land of Egypt seventeen years: so the whole age of Jacob was an hundred forty and seven years.

²⁹And the time drew nigh that Israel must die: and he called his son Joseph, and said unto him, If now I have found grace in thy sight, put, I pray thee, thy hand under my thigh, and deal kindly and truly with me; bury me not, I pray thee, in Egypt:

Incidently a phrase uttered even today by thousands of Arabs the world over.

³⁰But I will lie with my fathers, and thou shalt carry me out of Egypt, and bury me in their buryingplace. And he said, I will do as thou hast said.
³¹And he said, Swear unto me. And he sware unto him. And Israel bowed himself upon the bed's head.