1 Samuel Recap

 I actually enjoyed reading this book, although you wouldn't think so seeings how long it took.

So we start this book with the familiar tale of a barren woman,married to an old man. We know she is the infertile one in the relationship as there is another wife with children. There is no mention whether these children look more like “uncle Abu Ben Fucker” or their “father”

After “visiting” the local priest and his sons, the barren wife is found unconscious as if drunken and then the following day miraculously conceives as she does after every following annual visit.

The legitimate sons of Eli the priest are greedy and known for taking whatever they fancy.

Eli takes her first-born under his wing and teaches him the priestly duties as he did with his own sons.

As the years go by young Sam hears de lard whispering sweet nothings as he spends nights staying with his grandad mentor.

We then get into a war with the Philistines with a smattering of prophesy and fables thrown in to blame the pasting the Israelites get on Eli and his sons that are all dead after the battle. Eli died after falling off his chair.

During this battle the Philistines capture the fabled ark the Israelites are apparently more upset about losing their magic box than they are about losing their friends and relatives.

The Philistines are struck with piles, supposedly as a punishment from de lard. Strange how after proving himself by being a pain in their collective arses they do not bow down and worship him. The result of this, is for the Philistines utilising the foremost science and medicine of the time. Throw the ark, accompanied by some mice and haemorrhoids made of gold into a cart drawn by some ex heifer's, then release them. I wonder whether that's where the phrase “Having piles of gold come from.”

The cows take the Ark to the Levites who upon receipt of de lards box are rewarded by de lards gratitude with 50,000 dead.(20,000)more than those that died when they lost the Ark). We must however remember maths are not the scribes strong point.

Twenty years down the line Sam still has his invisible friend and decides the Israelites must stop worshipping Baalim(gods) and Ashteroth(Mrs de lard) To do this he calls all the Israelites together. The Philistines would have seized this opportunity to finish them off but Sam called up the power of de lard by butchering a lamb so de lard would scare them with a thunderstorm.

Sam is promoted to seer and sees himself as king, something the people do not want, strangely enough, de lard agrees with them.

Enter Saul from stage left. Saul is taken under Sam’s wing and chosen to be king. The relationship between Sam and Saul seems to be more than just friends. Even so Saul manages to father Johnathan.

Saul settles into his kingly role and starts to antagonize the Philistines the narrative seems to lose the plot and any grasp of mathematics when reporting skirmishes.

We then get into a couple of incidents that involve de omniscient one admitting to lack of fore sight and mistakes so repenting and changing his mind. Sam dies and Saul, either through grief or just being inept, becomes the crappiest crappy king in crapland.

We then have the David and Goliath tale quickly followed by Jonny and David getting friendly, very friendly. A relationship that Saul disapproves of so much he “gives” him his daughter as a wife. Yet demanding 100 Philistine foreskins as a payment. David killed 200 men to get these???

Saul was not happy with David’s success and wanted to kill him, Johnny made him promise that he would not. A promise as good as de lards, as he tried but David escaped.

He assembles a small band of men and roams Saul follows in two or one encounters David could have killed Saul and didn't. They then have two or one pow wows which ends with Saul admitting he was wrong and allowing David and his merry men to go on their way. They go to the land of the Philistines and get less shit of their”enemies” than they got from their kinsmen. In return he and his men became mercenaries for the philistines but without the philistines softer side.

Saul battles with the Philistines and johnny is killed.

Saul shows his cowardice bravery and lack of dignity by topping himself

To,sum it all up Power, Gay sex Power more gay sex with a shit load of death thrown in.

1 Samuel 31

   ¹Now the Philistines fought against Israel: and the men of Israel fled from before the Philistines, and fell down slain in mount Gilboa.
   ²And the Philistines followed hard upon Saul and upon his sons; and the Philistines slew Jonathan, and Abinadab, and Melchishua, Saul's sons.

Jonathan dead, David is not going to be happy.
 
   ³And the battle went sore against Saul, and the archers hit him; and he was sore wounded of the archers.
   ⁴Then said Saul unto his armourbearer, Draw thy sword, and thrust me through therewith; lest these uncircumcised come and thrust me through, and abuse me. But his armourbearer would not; for he was sore afraid. Therefore Saul took a sword, and fell upon it.

Sureley whether or not your killer has or does not have a foreskin does not preclude your dead body being abused in any way.

 

   ⁵And when his armourbearer saw that Saul was dead, he fell likewise upon his sword, and died with him.

It may have been he missed Samuel and the act of self penetration satisfied need for something hard inside him. Although in reality Sauls suicide should be seen as just cowardice, a pathetic way to die for a king.   His armourbearer's death although possibly bourne of loyalty and fear was none the less just plain stupid.

   ⁶So Saul died, and his three sons, and his armourbearer, and all his men, that same day together.
   ⁷And when the men of Israel that were on the other side of the valley, and they that were on the other side Jordan, saw that the men of Israel fled, and that Saul and his sons were dead, they forsook the cities, and fled; and the Philistines came and dwelt in them.
   ⁸And it came to pass on the morrow, when the Philistines came to strip the slain, that they found Saul and his three sons fallen in mount Gilboa.
   ⁹And they cut off his head, and stripped off his armour, and sent into the land of the Philistines round about, to publish it in the house of their idols, and among the people.

   ¹⁰And they put his armour in the house of Ashteroth: and they fastened his body to the wall of Bethshan.
   ¹¹And when the inhabitants of Jabeshgilead heard of that which the Philistines had done to Saul;
   ¹²All the valiant men arose, and went all night, and took the body of Saul and the bodies of his sons from the wall of Bethshan, and came to Jabesh, and burnt them there.

All the valient men? If they were that valient and they thought that much of Saul, why were they not in his army?
   ¹³And they took their bones, and buried them under a tree at Jabesh, and fasted seven days.

1 Samuel 30

Happy new year to you all.

 

   ¹And it came to pass, when David and his men were come to Ziklag on the third day, that the Amalekites had invaded the south, and Ziklag, and smitten Ziklag, and burned it with fire;
   ²And had taken the women captives, that were therein: they slew not any, either great or small, but carried them away, and went on their way.

That makes the Amalakites relative humanitarians, they even kept the fat birds alive.
 
   ³So David and his men came to the city, and, behold, it was burned with fire; and their wives, and their sons, and their daughters, were taken captives.
   ⁴Then David and the people that were with him lifted up their voice and wept, until they had no more power to weep.
   ⁵And David's two wives were taken captives, Ahinoam the Jezreelitess, and Abigail the wife of Nabal the Carmelite.
   ⁶And David was greatly distressed; for the people spake of stoning him, because the soul of all the people was grieved, every man for his sons and for his daughters: but David encouraged himself in the LORD his God. 

Sureley not the time to be masturbating?

   ⁷And David said to Abiathar the priest, Ahimelech's son, I pray thee, bring me hither the ephod. And Abiathar brought thither the ephod to David.

At least if he uses the ephod he will not make a mess(An ephod is the ritual apron used when sacrificing and otherwise kissing de lards arse)

   ⁸And David enquired at the LORD, saying, Shall I pursue after this troop? shall I overtake them? And he answered him, Pursue: for thou shalt surely overtake them, and without fail recover all.
   ⁹So David went, he and the six hundred men that were with him, and came to the brook Besor, where those that were left behind stayed.
   ¹⁰But David pursued, he and four hundred men: for two hundred abode behind, which were so faint that they could not go over the brook Besor.


Two hundred or one third of his supposed battle hardened men are too "faint" to cross a brooke to go rescue thier loved ones.
Fucking cowards. I would risk death for my freinds let alone my family.


   ¹¹And they found an Egyptian in the field, and brought him to David, and gave him bread, and he did eat; and they made him drink water;
   ¹²And they gave him a piece of a cake of figs, and two clusters of raisins: and when he had eaten, his spirit came again to him: for he had eaten no bread, nor drunk any water, three days and three nights.

After three days without they gave him bread ad made him drink water ?
I would have thought untill he had water he would have been unable to eat and I doubt they would have had much trouble making him drink.Keeping it down may have been a problem initially but drinking sureley not!

   ¹³And David said unto him, To whom belongest thou? and whence art thou? And he said, I am a young man of Egypt, servant to an Amalekite; and my master left me, because three days agone I fell sick.
   ¹⁴We made an invasion upon the south of the Cherethites, and upon the coast which belongeth to Judah, and upon the south of Caleb; and we burned Ziklag with fire.
   ¹⁵And David said to him, Canst thou bring me down to this company? And he said, Swear unto me by God, that thou wilt neither kill me, nor deliver me into the hands of my master, and I will bring thee down to this company.

I would have thought if he wanted some one to swear it would be gods plural or a named diety.
 
   ¹⁶And when he had brought him down, behold, they were spread abroad upon all the earth, eating and drinking, and dancing, because of all the great spoil that they had taken out of the land of the Philistines, and out of the land of Judah.

Him?
 
   ¹⁷And David smote them from the twilight even unto the evening of the next day: and there escaped not a man of them, save four hundred young men, which rode upon camels, and fled.

It seems the Isralites scribes are suffering from discalculia again.

   ¹⁸And David recovered all that the Amalekites had carried away: and David rescued his two wives.
   ¹⁹And there was nothing lacking to them, neither small nor great, neither sons nor daughters, neither spoil, nor any thing that they had taken to them: David recovered all.
   ²⁰And David took all the flocks and the herds, which they drave before those other cattle, and said, This is David's spoil.
   ²¹And David came to the two hundred men, which were so faint that they could not follow David, whom they had made also to abide at the brook Besor: and they went forth to meet David, and to meet the people that were with him: and when David came near to the people, he saluted them.
   ²²Then answered all the wicked men and men of Belial, of those that went with David, and said, Because they went not with us, we will not give them ought of the spoil that we have recovered, save to every man his wife and his children, that they may lead them away, and depart.

That seems fair to me, with thier help they may have had a few camels more.
 
   ²³Then said David, Ye shall not do so, my brethren, with that which the LORD hath given us, who hath preserved us, and delivered the company that came against us into our hand.

Of course it must be de lards work, nothing to do with the efforts of the Israelites to get thier property back and no mention of the Egyptian slave that led them to do this.
 
   ²⁴For who will hearken unto you in this matter? but as his part is that goeth down to the battle, so shall his part be that tarrieth by the stuff: they shall part alike.
   ²⁵And it was so from that day forward, that he made it a statute and an ordinance for Israel unto this day.

Didn't Moses already do that?
 
   ²⁶And when David came to Ziklag, he sent of the spoil unto the elders of Judah, even to his friends, saying, Behold a present for you of the spoil of the enemies of the LORD;
   ²⁷To them which were in Bethel, and to them which were in south Ramoth, and to them which were in Jattir,
   ²⁸And to them which were in Aroer, and to them which were in Siphmoth, and to them which were in Eshtemoa,
   ²⁹And to them which were in Rachal, and to them which were in the cities of the Jerahmeelites, and to them which were in the cities of the Kenites,
   ³⁰And to them which were in Hormah, and to them which were in Chorashan, and to them which were in Athach,
   ³¹And to them which were in Hebron, and to all the places where David himself and his men were wont to haunt.

What?


The NLT puts verse 27 0nwards as
    ²⁷ The gifts were sent to the people of the following towns David had visited: Bethel, Ramoth-negev, Jattir, ²⁸ Aroer, Siphmoth, Eshtemoa, ²⁹ Racal,^[a] the towns of the Jerahmeelites, the towns of the Kenites, ³⁰ Hormah, Bor-ashan, Athach, ³¹ Hebron, and all the other places David and his men had visited
The greek version has Carmel insted of Racal

1 Samuel 29

 

 

Sorry about the long wait,but I have been so fucking busy.

 

 

¹Now the Philistines gathered together all their armies to Aphek: and the Israelites pitched by a fountain which is in Jezreel. 
   ²And the lords of the Philistines passed on by hundreds, and by thousands: but David and his men passed on in the rereward with Achish.

It just doesn't stop does it. David and his men rereward(rearward in modern english)

 

   ³Then said the princes of the Philistines, What do these Hebrews here? And Achish said unto the princes of the Philistines, Is not this David, the servant of Saul the king of Israel, which hath been with me these days, or these years, and I have found no fault in him since he fell unto me unto this day.

If you fall do you not go down?
 
   ⁴And the princes of the Philistines were wroth with him; and the princes of the Philistines said unto him, Make this fellow return, that he may go again to his place which thou hast appointed him, and let him not go down with us to battle, lest in the battle he be an adversary to us: for wherewith should he reconcile himself unto his master? should it not be with the heads of these men?
   ⁵Is not this David, of whom they sang one to another in dances, saying, Saul slew his thousands, and David his ten thousands?
   ⁶Then Achish called David, and said unto him, Surely, as the LORD liveth, thou hast been upright, and thy going out and thy coming in with me in the host is good in my sight: for I have not found evil in thee since the day of thy coming unto me unto this day: nevertheless the lords favour thee not.

See it is not just my warped mind.

 
Seriously though, which god is Achish talking about? Is it Moloch, Baal or Yhwh? or could it be he sees them as one and the same?

   ⁷Wherefore now return, and go in peace, that thou displease not the lords of the Philistines.
   ⁸And David said unto Achish, But what have I done? and what hast thou found in thy servant so long as I have been with thee unto this day, that I may not go fight against the enemies of my lord the king?
   ⁹And Achish answered and said to David, I know that thou art good in my sight, as an angel of God: notwithstanding the princes of the Philistines have said, He shall not go up with us to the battle.
   ¹⁰Wherefore now rise up early in the morning with thy master's servants that are come with thee: and as soon as ye be up early in the morning, and have light, depart.
   ¹¹So David and his men rose up early to depart in the morning, to return into the land of the Philistines. And the Philistines went up to Jezreel.

Which beggers the questions......How do you Jezreel? and why must you go up to do it?

1 Samuel 28

   ¹And it came to pass in those days, that the Philistines gathered their armies together for warfare, to fight with Israel. And Achish said unto David, Know thou assuredly, that thou shalt go out with me to battle, thou and thy men.
   ²And David said to Achish, Surely thou shalt know what thy servant can do. And Achish said to David, Therefore will I make thee keeper of mine head for ever.

It's really not me,for it is written.
 
   ³Now Samuel was dead, and all Israel had lamented him, and buried him in Ramah, even in his own city. And Saul had put away those that had familiar spirits, and the wizards, out of the land.
   ⁴And the Philistines gathered themselves together, and came and pitched in Shunem: and Saul gathered all Israel together, and they pitched in Gilboa.
   ⁵And when Saul saw the host of the Philistines, he was afraid, and his heart greatly trembled.

Showing a lot of faith in de lard ther Saul.
 
   ⁶And when Saul enquired of the LORD, the LORD answered him not, neither by dreams, nor by Urim, nor by prophets.

 Shame no mobile phones, perhaps de lard was asleep or busy


   ⁷Then said Saul unto his servants, Seek me a woman that hath a familiar spirit, that I may go to her, and enquire of her. And his servants said to him, Behold, there is a woman that hath a familiar spirit at Endor.

So Saul kicks out all the women with "familiar spirits" and then promptly finds one, sounds like his decrees are as effective as his invisible freind's
 

   ⁸And Saul disguised himself, and put on other raiment, and he went, and two men with him, and they came to the woman by night: and he said, I pray thee, divine unto me by the familiar spirit, and bring me him up, whom I shall name unto thee.
   ⁹And the woman said unto him, Behold, thou knowest what Saul hath done, how he hath cut off those that have familiar spirits, and the wizards, out of the land: wherefore then layest thou a snare for my life, to cause me to die?

   ¹⁰And Saul sware to her by the LORD, saying, As the LORD liveth, there shall no punishment happen to thee for this thing.

Some questions here.
1. She did not know Saul was Saul, so why should she believe him? In fact why should she trust him even if she did see through his "disguise"?
2.Assuming from christian teaching she would come under the blanket of people wrongly called witch. Is there not a couple of rules regarding people of her profession within the laws of Moses.
Exodus 22:18, Although witch in this instance meant poisoner.
Duet 18:10
and also in 1 Samuel 15:23. 
 
   ¹¹Then said the woman, Whom shall I bring up unto thee? And he said, Bring me up Samuel.
   ¹²And when the woman saw Samuel, she cried with a loud voice: and the woman spake to Saul, saying, Why hast thou deceived me? for thou art Saul.
   ¹³And the king said unto her, Be not afraid: for what sawest thou? And the woman said unto Saul, I saw gods ascending out of the earth.

"Gods" again the bible states there are multiple gods

   ¹⁴And he said unto her, What form is he of? And she said, An old man cometh up; and he is covered with a mantle. And Saul perceived that it was Samuel, and he stooped with his face to the ground, and bowed himself

The tenets of cold reading, posibly the greatest skill of a good "Medium". or any other form of con artist.

   ¹⁵And Samuel said to Saul, Why hast thou disquieted me, to bring me up? And Saul answered, I am sore distressed; for the Philistines make war against me, and God is departed from me, and answereth me no more, neither by prophets, nor by dreams: therefore I have called thee, that thou mayest make known unto me what I shall do.
   ¹⁶Then said Samuel, Wherefore then dost thou ask of me, seeing the LORD is departed from thee, and is become thine enemy?
   ¹⁷And the LORD hath done to him, as he spake by me: for the LORD hath rent the kingdom out of thine hand, and given it to thy neighbour, even to David:
   ¹⁸Because thou obeyedst not the voice of the LORD, nor executedst his fierce wrath upon Amalek, therefore hath the LORD done this thing unto thee this day.
   ¹⁹Moreover the LORD will also deliver Israel with thee into the hand of the Philistines: and to morrow shalt thou and thy sons be with me: the LORD also shall deliver the host of Israel into the hand of the Philistines.
   ²⁰Then Saul fell straightway all along on the earth, and was sore afraid, because of the words of Samuel: and there was no strength in him; for he had eaten no bread all the day, nor all the night.
   ²¹And the woman came unto Saul, and saw that he was sore troubled, and said unto him, Behold, thine handmaid hath obeyed thy voice, and I have put my life in my hand, and have hearkened unto thy words which thou spakest unto me.

For some reason Phil Collins has just jumped into my head.

It really is no wonder Saul is losing his country, as crap kings go he must rate as one of the crappiest.
 
   ²²Now therefore, I pray thee, hearken thou also unto the voice of thine handmaid, and let me set a morsel of bread before thee; and eat, that thou mayest have strength, when thou goest on thy way.
   ²³But he refused, and said, I will not eat. But his servants, together with the woman, compelled him; and he hearkened unto their voice. So he arose from the earth, and sat upon the bed.
   ²⁴And the woman had a fat calf in the house; and she hasted, and killed it, and took flour, and kneaded it, and did bake unleavened bread thereof:
   ²⁵And she brought it before Saul, and before his servants; and they did eat. Then they rose up, and went away that night.