Tuesday, 6 April 2010

Judges 13

And the children of Israel did evil again in the sight of the LORD; and the LORD delivered them into the hand of the Philistines forty years.

2And there was a certain man of Zorah, of the family of the Danites, whose name was Manoah; and his wife was barren, and bare not.

After all ,it would be totally inconceivable(no pun intended) that Manoah was sexually dysfunctional in any way. Or even the merest suggestion that he might bat for the other side.

3And the angel of the LORD appeared unto the woman, and said unto her, Behold now, thou art barren, and bearest not: but thou shalt conceive, and bear a son.

4Now therefore beware, I pray thee, and drink not wine nor strong drink, and eat not any unclean thing:

5For, lo, thou shalt conceive, and bear a son; and no razor shall come on his head: for the child shall be a Nazarite unto God from the womb: and he shall begin to deliver Israel out of the hand of the Philistines.

6Then the woman came and told her husband, saying, A man of God came unto me, and his countenance was like the countenance of an angel of God, very terrible: but I asked him not whence he was, neither told he me his name:

A likely story.........Any divorce lawyer today would be jumping up and down with glee.

7But he said unto me, Behold, thou shalt conceive, and bear a son; and now drink no wine nor strong drink, neither eat any unclean thing: for the child shall be a Nazarite to God from the womb to the day of his death.

8Then Manoah intreated the LORD, and said, O my Lord, let the man of God which thou didst send come again unto us, and teach us what we shall do unto the child that shall be born.

9And God hearkened to the voice of Manoah; and the angel of God came again unto the woman as she sat in the field: but Manoah her husband was not with her.

10And the woman made haste, and ran, and shewed her husband, and said unto him, Behold, the man hath appeared unto me, that came unto me the other day.

This reads to me like a tale of cuckolding. We have a sexually dysfunctional male and a woman that needs, wants, and so it seems gets a damn good seeing to.

11And Manoah arose, and went after his wife, and came to the man, and said unto him, Art thou the man that spakest unto the woman? And he said, I am.

12And Manoah said, Now let thy words come to pass. How shall we order the child, and how shall we do unto him?

With fries and a side please!

13And the angel of the LORD said unto Manoah, Of all that I said unto the woman let her beware.

14She may not eat of any thing that cometh of the vine, neither let her drink wine or strong drink, nor eat any unclean thing: all that I commanded her let her observe.

Strange ! Seems to be a muslim attitude.

15And Manoah said unto the angel of the LORD, I pray thee, let us detain thee, until we shall have made ready a kid for thee.

16And the angel of the LORD said unto Manoah, Though thou detain me, I will not eat of thy bread: and if thou wilt offer a burnt offering, thou must offer it unto the LORD. For Manoah knew not that he was an angel of the LORD.

Perhaps the whole "please fuck my wife" scenario left a foul taste in his mouth.

17And Manoah said unto the angel of the LORD, What is thy name, that when thy sayings come to pass we may do thee honour?

18And the angel of the LORD said unto him, Why askest thou thus after my name, seeing it is secret?

Or like many modern singles networks(so I am told) he wanted to remain anonymous.

19So Manoah took a kid with a meat offering, and offered it upon a rock unto the LORD: and the angel did wonderously; and Manoah and his wife looked on.

I am sure that's another line that catholic priests misunderstand

20For it came to pass, when the flame went up toward heaven from off the altar, that the angel of the LORD ascended in the flame of the altar. And Manoah and his wife looked on it, and fell on their faces to the ground.

So de lard beamed the kid and the lover up or did they just make it up so he could cover his impotence or homosexuality and she could cover that rosy glow of the "I've just had a damn good rogering"look

21But the angel of the LORD did no more appear to Manoah and to his wife. Then Manoah knew that he was an angel of the LORD.

So the passing stranger moved on....It would be totally wrong to suggest that "Manoah knew that he was an angel of the LORD. " Means in any way that Manoah in a fit of jealousy killed him

22And Manoah said unto his wife, We shall surely die, because we have seen God.

Just as it would be to suggest that means in any way that Manoa sat watching and beating his strangely aroused member.

23But his wife said unto him, If the LORD were pleased to kill us, he would not have received a burnt offering and a meat offering at our hands, neither would he have shewed us all these things, nor would as at this time have told us such things as these.

24And the woman bare a son, and called his name Samson: and the child grew, and the LORD blessed him.

25And the Spirit of the LORD began to move him at times in the camp of Dan between

I had not realised before how many elements in this conception myth are repeated in some other story I may have heard somewhere....

.................Maybe not the immaculate conception but by this account pretty damn good


Andy Armitage said...

"A man of God came unto me . . ." Yeah, like the angel who appeared to Mary (or, in your chronology is yet to). Came into her, more like, assuming she existed.

"Oh, Joseph, I haven't been playing away from home, honest. It was an angel of God."

"Oh, all right, then."

Baal's Bum said...

The list is endless of various "sons of gods" from many cultures not only in judeao christian mythology. It makes me laugh when christians will decry Zues fathering Herecles but get all offended when you point out the alleged late great jc was also a bastard.