Judges 17

¹And there was a man of mount Ephraim, whose name was Micah.

²And he said unto his mother, The eleven hundred shekels of silver that were taken from thee, about which thou cursedst, and spakest of also in mine ears, behold, the silver is with me; I took it. And his mother said, Blessed be thou of the LORD, my son.

So....Has Micah stole the shekels from his mother and returned them after being found out?

³And when he had restored the eleven hundred shekels of silver to his mother, his mother said, I had wholly dedicated the silver unto the LORD from my hand for my son, to make a graven image and a molten image: now therefore I will restore it unto thee.

In the big 10 (both versions) it states very clearly NO GRAVEN IMAGES or NO CAST IMAGES. Either way it obviously is one of those suggestions rather than a commandment.

⁴Yet he restored the money unto his mother; and his mother took two hundred shekels of silver, and gave them to the founder, who made thereof a graven image and a molten image: and they were in the house of Micah.

⁵And the man Micah had an house of gods, and made an ephod, and teraphim, and consecrated one of his sons, who became his priest.

⁶In those days there was no king in Israel, but every man did that which was right in his own eyes.

⁷And there was a young man out of Bethlehemjudah of the family of Judah, who was a Levite, and he sojourned there.

⁸And the man departed out of the city from Bethlehemjudah to sojourn where he could find a place: and he came to mount Ephraim to the house of Micah, as he journeyed.

⁹And Micah said unto him, Whence comest thou? And he said unto him, I am a Levite of Bethlehemjudah, and I go to sojourn where I may find a place.

¹⁰And Micah said unto him, Dwell with me, and be unto me a father and a priest, and I will give thee ten shekels of silver by the year, and a suit of apparel, and thy victuals. So the Levite went in.

Don't know quite why but this shouts at me a relationship of a priestly father of the catholic persuasion.

¹¹And the Levite was content to dwell with the man; and the young man was unto him as one of his sons.

Really ?

¹²And Micah consecrated the Levite; and the young man became his priest, and was in the house of Micah.

I was told that consecrated meant "set aside" reading this it seems to mean buggered or sucked maybe even fisted.

¹³Then said Micah, Now know I that the LORD will do me good, seeing I have a Levite to my priest.
pic stolen from the Proud Athiest

Judges 16

¹Then went Samson to Gaza, and saw there an harlot, and went in unto her.

Not much changed then a Jew in Gaza today has a good chance of being fucked.

²And it was told the Gazites, saying, Samson is come hither. And they compassed him in, and laid wait for him all night in the gate of the city, and were quiet all the night, saying, In the morning, when it is day, we shall kill him.

³And Samson lay till midnight, and arose at midnight, and took the doors of the gate of the city, and the two posts, and went away with them, bar and all, and put them upon his shoulders, and carried them up to the top of an hill that is before Hebron.

OK. I accept some people are very strong, In my youth I was one of them, but seriously when I think of city gateposts I think of huge monoliths that would not look out of place at Stonehenge or on the set of 2001. so this I am afraid is pure bollocks.

⁴And it came to pass afterward, that he loved a woman in the valley of Sorek, whose name was Delilah.

⁵And the lords of the Philistines came up unto her, and said unto her, Entice him, and see wherein his great strength lieth, and by what means we may prevail against him, that we may bind him to afflict him; and we will give thee every one of us eleven hundred pieces of silver.

⁶And Delilah said to Samson, Tell me, I pray thee, wherein thy great strength lieth, and wherewith thou mightest be bound to afflict thee.

⁷And Samson said unto her, If they bind me with seven green withs that were never dried, then shall I be weak, and be as another man.

Bit of light bondage, nothing wrong in that.

⁸Then the lords of the Philistines brought up to her seven green withs which had not been dried, and she bound him with them.

⁹Now there were men lying in wait, abiding with her in the chamber. And she said unto him, The Philistines be upon thee, Samson. And he brake the withs, as a thread of tow is broken when it toucheth the fire. So his strength was not known.

¹⁰And Delilah said unto Samson, Behold, thou hast mocked me, and told me lies: now tell me, I pray thee, wherewith thou mightest be bound.

¹¹And he said unto her, If they bind me fast with new ropes that never were occupied, then shall I be weak, and be as another man.

¹²Delilah therefore took new ropes, and bound him therewith, and said unto him, The Philistines be upon thee, Samson. And there were liers in wait abiding in the chamber. And he brake them from off his arms like a thread.

All this bondage.......did they have strap ons back then?

¹³And Delilah said unto Samson, Hitherto thou hast mocked me, and told me lies: tell me wherewith thou mightest be bound. And he said unto her, If thou weavest the seven locks of my head with the web.

¹⁴And she fastened it with the pin, and said unto him, The Philistines be upon thee, Samson. And he awaked out of his sleep, and went away with the pin of the beam, and with the web.

Because if strong bonds can't hold him then of course a few plaits is going to do the job.

¹⁵And she said unto him, How canst thou say, I love thee, when thine heart is not with me? thou hast mocked me these three times, and hast not told me wherein thy great strength lieth.

Now I know men have a distinctive tendency to bypass their higher cognitive thought processes when in the vicinity of the object of their desires, especially when blood is redirected elsewhere. But really how stupid can some one be ?

¹⁶And it came to pass, when she pressed him daily with her words, and urged him, so that his soul was vexed unto death;

¹⁷That he told her all his heart, and said unto her, There hath not come a razor upon mine head; for I have been a Nazarite unto God from my mother's womb: if I be shaven, then my strength will go from me, and I shall become weak, and be like any other man.

¹⁸And when Delilah saw that he had told her all his heart, she sent and called for the lords of the Philistines, saying, Come up this once, for he hath shewed me all his heart. Then the lords of the Philistines came up unto her, and brought money in their hand.

¹⁹And she made him sleep upon her knees; and she called for a man, and she caused him to shave off the seven locks of his head; and she began to afflict him, and his strength went from him.

Earlier I asked how stupid people can be but how many believe this myth ?

²⁰And she said, The Philistines be upon thee, Samson. And he awoke out of his sleep, and said, I will go out as at other times before, and shake myself. And he wist not that the LORD was departed from him.

²¹But the Philistines took him, and put out his eyes, and brought him down to Gaza, and bound him with fetters of brass; and he did grind in the prison house.

²²Howbeit the hair of his head began to grow again after he was shaven.

²³Then the lords of the Philistines gathered them together for to offer a great sacrifice unto Dagon their god, and to rejoice: for they said, Our god hath delivered Samson our enemy into our hand.

²⁴And when the people saw him, they praised their god: for they said, Our god hath delivered into our hands our enemy, and the destroyer of our country, which slew many of us.

²⁵And it came to pass, when their hearts were merry, that they said, Call for Samson, that he may make us sport. And they called for Samson out of the prison house; and he made them sport: and they set him between the pillars.

²⁶And Samson said unto the lad that held him by the hand, Suffer me that I may feel the pillars whereupon the house standeth, that I may lean upon them.

²⁷Now the house was full of men and women; and all the lords of the Philistines were there; and there were upon the roof about three thousand men and women, that beheld while Samson made sport.

That is a fucking big house for anything in the bce world do I again detect the aroma of bullshit?

²⁸And Samson called unto the LORD, and said, O Lord God, remember me, I pray thee, and strengthen me, I pray thee, only this once, O God, that I may be at once avenged of the Philistines for my two eyes.

²⁹And Samson took hold of the two middle pillars upon which the house stood, and on which it was borne up, of the one with his right hand, and of the other with his left.

Not only is it of an exaggerated size I would think it highly unlikely that such a building would have all its weight supported by two main pillars less than an arm span wide.

³⁰And Samson said, Let me die with the Philistines. And he bowed himself with all his might; and the house fell upon the lords, and upon all the people that were therein. So the dead which he slew at his death were more than they which he slew in his life.

Let alone such a building could be collapsed in such a manner

³¹Then his brethren and all the house of his father came down, and took him, and brought him up, and buried him between Zorah and Eshtaol in the burying place of Manoah his father. And he judged Israel twenty years.

How could they decide which mangled bloody mess was him?

Addendum
let me refresh your memory with this prophecy from Judges 13

⁵For, lo, thou shalt conceive, and bear a son; and no razor shall come on his head: for the child shall be a Nazarite unto God from the womb: and he shall begin to deliver Israel out of the hand of the Philistines.

"begin to deliver Israel out of the hand of the Philistines" Didn't really live up to the prophecy now did he ? If only all de lards prophecies were this accurate....oh wait they are.

Or perhaps he did not mean "Philistines" but Phoxes ?