Monday, 30 March 2009

Deuteronomy 23

1He that is wounded in the stones, or hath his privy member cut off, shall not enter into the congregation of the LORD.

For a god that apparently(so we are often told) is not into same sex relationships why would it matter unless having sex is important.

2A bastard shall not enter into the congregation of the LORD; even to his tenth generation shall he not enter into the congregation of the LORD.

Well fuck me I commit a sin every time I go to church. I must mke a point of going more often.

3An Ammonite or Moabite shall not enter into the congregation of the LORD; even to their tenth generation shall they not enter into the congregation of the LORD for ever:

Are there any left, if so conversion not high on the agenda. Besides I thought an ammonite was an extinct shellfish.

4Because they met you not with bread and with water in the way, when ye came forth out of Egypt; and because they hired against thee Balaam the son of Beor of Pethor of Mesopotamia, to curse thee.

5Nevertheless the LORD thy God would not hearken unto Balaam; but the LORD thy God turned the curse into a blessing unto thee, because the LORD thy God loved thee.

6Thou shalt not seek their peace nor their prosperity all thy days for ever.

7Thou shalt not abhor an Edomite; for he is thy brother: thou shalt not abhor an Egyptian; because thou wast a stranger in his land.

So Moabites and Ammonites are no good because they wanted nothing to do with the slavering hoards but although (allegedly) the egyptians enslaved them they are cool. Would I be wrong in thinking this has more to do with a nations ability to kick their arses.

8The children that are begotten of them shall enter into the congregation of the LORD in their third generation.

These will be the children of the wives raped into submission taken from cities where you did not have to "anhialate every living thing"

9When the host goeth forth against thine enemies, then keep thee from every wicked thing.

Apart from murder,rape and pilliage because these are the work of de lard.

10If there be among you any man, that is not clean by reason of uncleanness that chanceth him by night, then shall he go abroad out of the camp, he shall not come within the camp:

11But it shall be, when evening cometh on, he shall wash himself with water: and when the sun is down, he shall come into the camp again.

12Thou shalt have a place also without the camp, whither thou shalt go forth abroad:

13And thou shalt have a paddle upon thy weapon; and it shall be, when thou wilt ease thyself abroad, thou shalt dig therewith, and shalt turn back and cover that which cometh from thee:

So it's a sin to use a toilet no shit.

14For the LORD thy God walketh in the midst of thy camp, to deliver thee, and to give up thine enemies before thee; therefore shall thy camp be holy: that he see no unclean thing in thee, and turn away from thee.

15Thou shalt not deliver unto his master the servant which is escaped from his master unto thee:

Fuck me I must admit that's a surprise

16He shall dwell with thee, even among you, in that place which he shall choose in one of thy gates, where it liketh him best: thou shalt not oppress him.

That of course is assuming they are not a Moabite or an Ammonite

17There shall be no whore of the daughters of Israel, nor a sodomite of the sons of Israel.

So there you have it if you are not a jew it is Ok to be gay

18Thou shalt not bring the hire of a whore, or the price of a dog, into the house of the LORD thy God for any vow: for even both these are abomination unto the LORD thy God.

What the fuck does that mean ? You can't bring a whore or a dog to de lards house or the price of a whore or a dog.

19Thou shalt not lend upon usury to thy brother; usury of money, usury of victuals, usury of any thing that is lent upon usury:

So you can't help your brother out.

20Unto a stranger thou mayest lend upon usury; but unto thy brother thou shalt not lend upon usury: that the LORD thy God may bless thee in all that thou settest thine hand to in the land whither thou goest to possess it.

But you can help out a stranger....I suppose if he fails to keep up his payments you can take him on as a slave.

21When thou shalt vow a vow unto the LORD thy God, thou shalt not slack to pay it: for the LORD thy God will surely require it of thee; and it would be sin in thee.

I think this means you can borrow from the preisthood.

22But if thou shalt forbear to vow, it shall be no sin in thee.

But your ass is theirs if you fail on your debts, so careful you could end up as a burnt offering.

23That which is gone out of thy lips thou shalt keep and perform; even a freewill offering, according as thou hast vowed unto the LORD thy God, which thou hast promised with thy mouth.

Even if you volunteer something and are unable to do it.

24When thou comest into thy neighbour's vineyard, then thou mayest eat grapes thy fill at thine own pleasure; but thou shalt not put any in thy vessel.

Thats only decent after all

25When thou comest into the standing corn of thy neighbour, then thou mayest pluck the ears with thine hand; but thou shalt not move a sickle unto thy neighbour's standing corn.

Sunday, 29 March 2009

Deuteronomy 22

1Thou shalt not see thy brother's ox or his sheep go astray, and hide thyself from them: thou shalt in any case bring them again unto thy brother.

2And if thy brother be not nigh unto thee, or if thou know him not, then thou shalt bring it unto thine own house, and it shall be with thee until thy brother seek after it, and thou shalt restore it to him again.

That's gotta be one big family if you don't know your own brother,

3In like manner shalt thou do with his ass; and so shalt thou do with his raiment; and with all lost thing of thy brother's, which he hath lost, and thou hast found, shalt thou do likewise: thou mayest not hide thyself.

And really, you should steer well clear of your brothers ass.

4Thou shalt not see thy brother's ass or his ox fall down by the way, and hide thyself from them: thou shalt surely help him to lift them up again.

No, I am still going no where near my bro's ass.

5The woman shall not wear that which pertaineth unto a man, neither shall a man put on a woman's garment: for all that do so are abomination unto the LORD thy God.

So cross dressing is a no no ......What about unisex clothing ? Besides as an impoverished English biker I know that wearing a couple of pairs of tights under your jeans is a cheap way of keeping your legs and wedding tackle toasty during those cold winter months.

6If a bird's nest chance to be before thee in the way in any tree, or on the ground, whether they be young ones, or eggs, and the dam sitting upon the young, or upon the eggs, thou shalt not take the dam with the young:

But its ok to murder parents and children as long as they live nearby ??????

7But thou shalt in any wise let the dam go, and take the young to thee; that it may be well with thee, and that thou mayest prolong thy days.

What the fuck is a dam anyway besides a construction to retain water ?

And my partner knows all about retaining water.

8When thou buildest a new house, then thou shalt make a battlement for thy roof, that thou bring not blood upon thine house, if any man fall from thence.

The style of city houses in these times required entry through the roof a wall surrounding the roof was a good idea.

9Thou shalt not sow thy vineyard with divers seeds: lest the fruit of thy seed which thou hast sown, and the fruit of thy vineyard, be defiled.

Fair enough

10Thou shalt not plow with an ox and an ass together.

Otherwise you would be ploughing in an ever decreasing spiral till you disappeared up your asses or ox's ass.

11Thou shalt not wear a garment of divers sorts, as of woollen and linen together.

That's a blow to the fashion industry.

12Thou shalt make thee fringes upon the four quarters of thy vesture, wherewith thou coverest thyself.

That has completely passed me by any ideas anyone.

13If any man take a wife, and go in unto her, and hate her,

That'll be about 90% of married men.

14And give occasions of speech against her, and bring up an evil name upon her, and say, I took this woman, and when I came to her, I found her not a maid:

That'll be about 98.8% of married men

15Then shall the father of the damsel, and her mother, take and bring forth the tokens of the damsel's virginity unto the elders of the city in the gate:

Tokens of the damsels virginity, what's that letters from any number of males declaring they have not fucked her ?

16And the damsel's father shall say unto the elders, I gave my daughter unto this man to wife, and he hateth her;

17And, lo, he hath given occasions of speech against her, saying, I found not thy daughter a maid; and yet these are the tokens of my daughter's virginity. And they shall spread the cloth before the elders of the city.

Ah ! now I think I understand. Until fairly recently, maybe 200 years or so it was the custom in some parts of england that the bride was gathered up by the village and carried to the marriage bed, a bed with spotlessly clean sheets the groom was also thrown on to the bed, the following morning the sheets would be examined and blood from the loss of her virginity was expected.

I am not sure as I cannot remember were I got this from but I think if there was no blood then the marriage was void.

18And the elders of that city shall take that man and chastise him;

That I believe is as near to women's rights as it got.

19And they shall amerce him in an hundred shekels of silver, and give them unto the father of the damsel, because he hath brought up an evil name upon a virgin of Israel: and she shall be his wife; he may not put her away all his days.

20But if this thing be true, and the tokens of virginity be not found for the damsel:

21Then they shall bring out the damsel to the door of her father's house, and the men of her city shall stone her with stones that she die: because she hath wrought folly in Israel, to play the whore in her father's house: so shalt thou put evil away from among you.

Wow sexual equality at its best. Just think if girls if your new husband had a little dick(as is implied as a family trait of the family of Abraham) and you laughed you could be stoned if he did not make you bleed on your wedding night.

22If a man be found lying with a woman married to an husband, then they shall both of them die, both the man that lay with the woman, and the woman: so shalt thou put away evil from Israel.

So .... does this mean if someone catches someone raping someone they both must die ?

23If a damsel that is a virgin be betrothed unto an husband, and a man find her in the city, and lie with her;

24Then ye shall bring them both out unto the gate of that city, and ye shall stone them with stones that they die; the damsel, because she cried not, being in the city; and the man, because he hath humbled his neighbour's wife: so thou shalt put away evil from among you.

Betrothed../...wife surely there is a difference

25But if a man find a betrothed damsel in the field, and the man force her, and lie with her: then the man only that lay with her shall die.

So if a girl goes out with the intention of being raped she had better do it in a field.

26But unto the damsel thou shalt do nothing; there is in the damsel no sin worthy of death: for as when a man riseth against his neighbour, and slayeth him, even so is this matter:

27For he found her in the field, and the betrothed damsel cried, and there was none to save her.

28If a man find a damsel that is a virgin, which is not betrothed, and lay hold on her, and lie with her, and they be found;

29Then the man that lay with her shall give unto the damsel's father fifty shekels of silver, and she shall be his wife; because he hath humbled her, he may not put her away all his days.

So if she is not betrothed (promised by her father to someone) and she is raped and he is caught for the princely sum of fifty shekels, he keeps her as his wife. Well thats fine as long as the father profits and don't go forgetting the levites cut.

Surprising and also sickening a variation of this horrible practice still continues today in Ethiopia

30A man shall not take his father's wife, nor discover his father's skirt.


What was said in verse 5 again ?

By the way . This is not me.(Wrong shade of pink).

Friday, 27 March 2009

Deuteronomy 21

1If one be found slain in the land which the LORD thy God giveth thee to possess it, lying in the field, and it be not known who hath slain him:

2Then thy elders and thy judges shall come forth, and they shall measure unto the cities which are round about him that is slain:

3And it shall be, that the city which is next unto the slain man, even the elders of that city shall take an heifer, which hath not been wrought with, and which hath not drawn in the yoke;

When they say heifer I cannot help wonder whether they really mean a cow, considering the high esteem they hold their womenfolk.

4And the elders of that city shall bring down the heifer unto a rough valley, which is neither eared nor sown, and shall strike off the heifer's neck there in the valley:

I really hope they mean a cow ........but why ?

5And the priests the sons of Levi shall come near; for them the LORD thy God hath chosen to minister unto him, and to bless in the name of the LORD; and by their word shall every controversy and every stroke be tried:

6And all the elders of that city, that are next unto the slain man, shall wash their hands over the heifer that is beheaded in the valley:

So let me get this right ...Dear old Fred Flintstein is having a stroll and has a heart attack and drops dead. His good friend Barnabas finds him and alerts the "authorities" and some poor cow looses their head and the priesthood come and wash their hands over the cows corpse... I say again why ?

7And they shall answer and say, Our hands have not shed this blood, neither have our eyes seen it.

8Be merciful, O LORD, unto thy people Israel, whom thou hast redeemed, and lay not innocent blood unto thy people of Israel's charge. And the blood shall be forgiven them.

But if dear old Fred had been a victim of murder most foul with his head and entrails spread over three acres of land and no-one to blame the end result is.........the same.

Ele-fuckin-mentry my dear watson

9So shalt thou put away the guilt of innocent blood from among you, when thou shalt do that which is right in the sight of the LORD.

10When thou goest forth to war against thine enemies, and the LORD thy God hath delivered them into thine hands, and thou hast taken them captive,

This will be the Israelites view of war.....find an isolated city minding it's own business and attack it.

11And seest among the captives a beautiful woman, and hast a desire unto her, that thou wouldest have her to thy wife;

Because a woman(girl) always looks her most desirable when terrified and grief stricken

12Then thou shalt bring her home to thine house, and she shall shave her head, and pare her nails;

Vidal Sassoon would not approve.

13And she shall put the raiment of her captivity from off her, and shall remain in thine house, and bewail her father and her mother a full month: and after that thou shalt go in unto her, and be her husband, and she shall be thy wife.

Raiment of captivity....Ropes ? Shalt go in unto her...Rape her and that is her wedding ceromony wow! get David Bailey to do the pics.So where did the poncy bollocks with the twat in the black and white frock, spouting shit about de lard and wholly matrimony come from ?

14And it shall be, if thou have no delight in her, then thou shalt let her go whither she will; but thou shalt not sell her at all for money, thou shalt not make merchandise of her, because thou hast humbled her.

So if she is not totally enamoured and impressed by the way you slaughtered her parents, brothers every elderly and male person she has ever known. Then brought to rapturous orgasm as you violently take her virginity, you are within your rights to sling her out on her ear. de lard surely is love.

15If a man have two wives, one beloved, and another hated, and they have born him children, both the beloved and the hated; and if the firstborn son be hers that was hated:

16Then it shall be, when he maketh his sons to inherit that which he hath, that he may not make the son of the beloved firstborn before the son of the hated, which is indeed the firstborn:

17But he shall acknowledge the son of the hated for the firstborn, by giving him a double portion of all that he hath: for he is the beginning of his strength; the right of the firstborn is his.

Isaac and Esau any one ?

18If a man have a stubborn and rebellious son, which will not obey the voice of his father, or the voice of his mother, and that, when they have chastened him, will not hearken unto them:

And what father with a son hasn't.

19Then shall his father and his mother lay hold on him, and bring him out unto the elders of his city, and unto the gate of his place;

20And they shall say unto the elders of his city, This our son is stubborn and rebellious, he will not obey our voice; he is a glutton, and a drunkard.

21And all the men of his city shall stone him with stones, that he die: so shalt thou put evil away from among you; and all Israel shall hear, and fear.

If this was law I assure you that you would not be reading this......A glutton and a drunkard ....Two of my finest qualities.

22And if a man have committed a sin worthy of death, and he be to be put to death, and thou hang him on a tree:

According to the laws of Moses I would have to be ressurected many times to be executed for all the sins worthy of death I have apparently committed, yet here I stand, sitting here with no criminal record

23His body shall not remain all night upon the tree, but thou shalt in any wise bury him that day; (for he that is hanged is accursed of God;) that thy land be not defiled, which the LORD thy God giveth thee for an inheritance.

Wednesday, 25 March 2009

Deuteronomy 20

20:1 When you go to war against your enemies and see chariotry and troops who outnumber you, do not be afraid of them, for the Lord your God, who brought you up out of the land of Egypt, is with you.

20:2 As you move forward for battle, the priest will approach and say to the soldiers,

I am reminded of the scene from the original 1953 War of the Worlds, where Father Mathew Collins(played by Lewis Martin) Marches out, bible in hand praying towards the advancing aliens.


With the inevitable result



20:3 “Listen, Israel! Today you are moving forward to do battle with your enemies. Do not be fainthearted. Do not fear and tremble or be terrified because of them,

20:4 for the Lord your God goes with you to fight on your behalf against your enemies to give you victory.”

Just think if the catholics went into war nowadays their opponents could be faced with this or something similar

Frightening thought isn't it

20:5 Moreover, the officers are to say to the troops, “Who among you has built a new house and not dedicated it? He may go home, lest he die in battle and someone else dedicate it.

20:6 Or who among you has planted a vineyard and not benefited from it? He may go home, lest he die in battle and someone else benefit from it.

20:7 Or who among you has become engaged to a woman but has not married her? He may go home, lest he die in battle and someone else marry her.”

20:8 In addition, the officers are to say to the troops, “Who among you is afraid and fainthearted? He may go home so that he will not make his fellow soldier’s heart as fearful as his own.”

So cowardice is OK, but surely this would imply lack of faith in de lard.

20:9 Then, when the officers have finished speaking, they must appoint unit commanders to lead the troops.

20:10 When you approach a city to wage war against it, offer it terms of peace.

20:11 If it accepts your terms and submits to you, all the people found in it will become your slaves.

Offer terms of peace ???.....Become our slaves or die.

20:12 If it does not accept terms of peace but makes war with you, then you are to lay siege to it.

20:13 The Lord your God will deliver it over to you and you must kill every single male by the sword.

20:14 However, the women, little children, cattle, and anything else in the city – all its plunder – you may take for yourselves as spoil. You may take from your enemies the plunder that the Lord your God has given you.
There you have it women and children are equal...........Equal to cattle that is.
So as far as the bible believing christians are concerned its Ok to call your wife a fat cow.
But all in all that's another verse the twats shouting Lev 18:22 never mention.

20:15 This is how you are to deal with all those cities located far from you, those that do not belong to these nearby nations.

20:16 As for the cities of these peoples that the Lord your God is going to give you as an inheritance, you must not allow a single living thing to survive.

So it's true, every time you kill a kitten god masturbates


20:17 Instead you must utterly annihilate them – the Hittites, Amorites, Canaanites, Perizzites, Hivites, and Jebusites – just as the Lord your God has commanded you,

So how does offering terms of peace work here .....Open your gates and accept the kiss of death from your ever lovin' lard.



20:18 so that they cannot teach you all the abhorrent ways they worship their gods, causing you to sin against the Lord your God.

20:19 If you besiege a city for a long time while attempting to capture it, you must not chop down its trees, for you may eat fruit from them and should not cut them down. A tree in the field is not human that you should besiege it!

20:20 However, you may chop down any tree you know is not suitable for food, and you may use it to build siege works against the city that is making war with you until that city falls.

Now that has to be the earliest example of fundie logic ever....... to paraphrase "against the city that is trying to protect its citizens from murder and/or enslavement from the rampaging hoardes of the god of peace and love."

Tuesday, 24 March 2009

Deuteronomy 19

1When the LORD thy God hath cut off the nations, whose land the LORD thy God giveth thee, and thou succeedest them, and dwellest in their cities, and in their houses;

To paraphrase, the lands you stole from the murdered previous occupants.

2Thou shalt separate three cities for thee in the midst of thy land, which the LORD thy God giveth thee to possess it.

3Thou shalt prepare thee a way, and divide the coasts of thy land, which the LORD thy God giveth thee to inherit, into three parts, that every slayer may flee thither.

Hang on when did that happen ? I thought they were still landlocked. Or this book was written at a time when Israel had dominated to the coast.

4And this is the case of the slayer, which shall flee thither, that he may live: Whoso killeth his neighbour ignorantly, whom he hated not in time past;

Is it just me or does the hypocrisy in this statement just beggar belief.

I appreciate times of war are different but surely as much as the man next door is your neighbour, the next city or country is your neighbour, Israel was massacring annexing their neighbours

5As when a man goeth into the wood with his neighbour to hew wood, and his hand fetcheth a stroke with the axe to cut down the tree, and the head slippeth from the helve, and lighteth upon his neighbour, that he die; he shall flee unto one of those cities, and live:

Nowaday's somebody would be sued

6Lest the avenger of the blood pursue the slayer, while his heart is hot, and overtake him, because the way is long, and slay him; whereas he was not worthy of death, inasmuch as he hated him not in time past.

7Wherefore I command thee, saying, Thou shalt separate three cities for thee.

8And if the LORD thy God enlarge thy coast, as he hath sworn unto thy fathers, and give thee all the land which he promised to give unto thy fathers;

The only way that can happen is for the sea levels to change, unless of course the god of peace is promoting more conquest.

9If thou shalt keep all these commandments to do them, which I command thee this day, to love the LORD thy God, and to walk ever in his ways; then shalt thou add three cities more for thee, beside these three:

de lard expects his commandments to be kept, but at what price ? Especially as he is either unwilling or unable to keep promises he made.

10That innocent blood be not shed in thy land, which the LORD thy God giveth thee for an inheritance, and so blood be upon thee.

I suppose when it was someone elses land it was OK.

11But if any man hate his neighbour, and lie in wait for him, and rise up against him, and smite him mortally that he die, and fleeth into one of these cities:

How is this different to attacking an unsuspecting city ?

12Then the elders of his city shall send and fetch him thence, and deliver him into the hand of the avenger of blood, that he may die.

Surely by these laws alone Moses should have been executed !

13Thine eye shall not pity him, but thou shalt put away the guilt of innocent blood from Israel, that it may go well with thee.

Strange how Israel still manages to maintain this guiltness over all the innocent blood they continue to spill.

14Thou shalt not remove thy neighbour's landmark, which they of old time have set in thine inheritance, which thou shalt inherit in the land that the LORD thy God giveth thee to possess it.

15One witness shall not rise up against a man for any iniquity, or for any sin, in any sin that he sinneth: at the mouth of two witnesses, or at the mouth of three witnesses, shall the matter be established.

16If a false witness rise up against any man to testify against him that which is wrong;

As we know the truthfulness of Abraham and his descendants is legendary.

17Then both the men, between whom the controversy is, shall stand before the LORD, before the priests and the judges, which shall be in those days;

18And the judges shall make diligent inquisition: and, behold, if the witness be a false witness, and hath testified falsely against his brother;

Justice then as it is now is often swayed by a smooth talking representative.

19Then shall ye do unto him, as he had thought to have done unto his brother: so shalt thou put the evil away from among you.

20And those which remain shall hear, and fear, and shall henceforth commit no more any such evil among you.

21And thine eye shall not pity; but life shall go for life, eye for eye, tooth for tooth, hand for hand, foot for foot.

Monday, 23 March 2009

Deuteronomy 18

1The priests the Levites, and all the tribe of Levi, shall have no part nor inheritance with Israel: they shall eat the offerings of the LORD made by fire, and his inheritance.

At last ! An admission that de lard had a father, else how would de lard have inheritance ?

2Therefore shall they have no inheritance among their brethren: the LORD is their inheritance, as he hath said unto them.

Not directly of course, but through oracles or prophets

3And this shall be the priest's due from the people, from them that offer a sacrifice, whether it be ox or sheep; and they shall give unto the priest the shoulder, and the two cheeks, and the maw.

Funny how these sacrifices to de lard always end up with a good meal for the priesthood.

4The firstfruit also of thy corn, of thy wine, and of thine oil, and the first of the fleece of thy sheep, shalt thou give him.

5For the LORD thy God hath chosen him out of all thy tribes, to stand to minister in the name of the LORD, him and his sons for ever.

If de lard had really chosen these people from his chosen it would imply a breeding programme. The fact that there are now not any specific differences between the levites descendants and the rest of humanity implies one of several things,either the levites have been fucking out of their desired genetic pool, de lard has the attention span of a retarded galactic goldfish or de lard just don't exist.

6And if a Levite come from any of thy gates out of all Israel, where he sojourned, and come with all the desire of his mind unto the place which the LORD shall choose;

7Then he shall minister in the name of the LORD his God, as all his brethren the Levites do, which stand there before the LORD.

8They shall have like portions to eat, beside that which cometh of the sale of his patrimony.

They must have been some fat fuckers.

9When thou art come into the land which the LORD thy God giveth thee, thou shalt not learn to do after the abominations of those nations.

Like freedom of thought, bacon and seafood.

10There shall not be found among you any one that maketh his son or his daughter to pass through the fire, or that useth divination, or an observer of times, or an enchanter, or a witch.

11Or a charmer, or a consulter with familiar spirits, or a wizard, or a necromancer.

Does this not incude speaking bollocks in tongues ?

12For all that do these things are an abomination unto the LORD: and because of these abominations the LORD thy God doth drive them out from before thee.

13Thou shalt be perfect with the LORD thy God.

Fuck me! According to his own propaganda de lard started with a clean slate and fucked it up. He couldn't out wit a woman so naive she was beyond innocence, who was coerced by persuasive python to disobey an order she couldn't have really understood.

Now he wants a minuscule portion of her alleged descendants not to strive for perfection but to be perfect, what a cunt why should he expect more from us than he is capable of himself.

14For these nations, which thou shalt possess, hearkened unto observers of times, and unto diviners: but as for thee, the LORD thy God hath not suffered thee so to do.

15The LORD thy God will raise up unto thee a Prophet from the midst of thee, of thy brethren, like unto me; unto him ye shall hearken;

So what exactly is the difference between an embodied oracle, a seer and a prophet ?

16According to all that thou desiredst of the LORD thy God in Horeb in the day of the assembly, saying, Let me not hear again the voice of the LORD my God, neither let me see this great fire any more, that I die not.

17And the LORD said unto me, They have well spoken that which they have spoken.

18I will raise them up a Prophet from among their brethren, like unto thee, and will put my words in his mouth; and he shall speak unto them all that I shall command him.

Is this what Mr Tedder referred to ? If so it says prophet not messiah.

19And it shall come to pass, that whosoever will not hearken unto my words which he shall speak in my name, I will require it of him.

20But the prophet, which shall presume to speak a word in my name, which I have not commanded him to speak, or that shall speak in the name of other gods, even that prophet shall die.

I say de lard said to me "Tell my children they have made me up and I don't exist"

21And if thou say in thine heart, How shall we know the word which the LORD hath not spoken?

A while back it talked of your heart being circumcised, now you can speak through your heart. I say this , If you can hear your heart speak you know it's talking bollocks

22When a prophet speaketh in the name of the LORD, if the thing follow not, nor come to pass, that is the thing which the LORD hath not spoken, but the prophet hath spoken it presumptuously: thou shalt not be afraid of him.

Monday, 16 March 2009

Deuteronomy 17

1Thou shalt not sacrifice unto the LORD thy God any bullock, or sheep, wherein is blemish, or any evilfavouredness: for that is an abomination unto the LORD thy God.

2If there be found among you, within any of thy gates which the LORD thy God giveth thee, man or woman, that hath wrought wickedness in the sight of the LORD thy God, in transgressing his covenant,

That of course being something really wrong such as eating seafood , mixing linen and wool or even consensual sex. Not things like murder genocide and rape which seem to have been sanctioned by the god of love.

3And hath gone and served other gods, and worshipped them, either the sun, or moon, or any of the host of heaven, which I have not commanded;

Or dare I say it .....Having the audacity to call your imaginary invisible friend by a different name.

4And it be told thee, and thou hast heard of it, and enquired diligently, and, behold, it be true, and the thing certain, that such abomination is wrought in Israel:

On the grounds of hearsay.

5Then shalt thou bring forth that man or that woman, which have committed that wicked thing, unto thy gates, even that man or that woman, and shalt stone them with stones, till they die.

6At the mouth of two witnesses, or three witnesses, shall he that is worthy of death be put to death; but at the mouth of one witness he shall not be put to death.

7The hands of the witnesses shall be first upon him to put him to death, and afterward the hands of all the people. So thou shalt put the evil away from among you.

This is just fucking vile.

You could have a disagreement with someone and they could with an agreement from someone else not only bring about the death sentence but also force friends and family to take part in a very brutal ritualised killing.

8If there arise a matter too hard for thee in judgment, between blood and blood, between plea and plea, and between stroke and stroke, being matters of controversy within thy gates: then shalt thou arise, and get thee up into the place which the LORD thy God shall choose;

And so justice becomes a popularity contest combining the rules of the school playground with the ethics of a rabid wolf.

9And thou shalt come unto the priests the Levites, and unto the judge that shall be in those days, and enquire; and they shall shew thee the sentence of judgment:

As if they didn't have enough power.

10And thou shalt do according to the sentence, which they of that place which the LORD shall choose shall shew thee; and thou shalt observe to do according to all that they inform thee:

11According to the sentence of the law which they shall teach thee, and according to the judgment which they shall tell thee, thou shalt do: thou shalt not decline from the sentence which they shall shew thee, to the right hand, nor to the left.

12And the man that will do presumptuously, and will not hearken unto the priest that standeth to minister there before the LORD thy God, or unto the judge, even that man shall die: and thou shalt put away the evil from Israel.

Follow the judgements of a cleric on pain of death. History gives us plenty of lessons as to why this is not a good idea.

13And all the people shall hear, and fear, and do no more presumptuously.

14When thou art come unto the land which the LORD thy God giveth thee, and shalt possess it, and shalt dwell therein, and shalt say, I will set a king over me, like as all the nations that are about me;

15Thou shalt in any wise set him king over thee, whom the LORD thy God shall choose: one from among thy brethren shalt thou set king over thee: thou mayest not set a stranger over thee, which is not thy brother.

16But he shall not multiply horses to himself, nor cause the people to return to Egypt, to the end that he should multiply horses: forasmuch as the LORD hath said unto you, Ye shall henceforth return no more that way.

Because it's far more moal to take on and destroy the inhabitants of small isolated cities full of innocents,rather than a massive empire with which your grandparents may have hard half a reason to bear a grudge

17Neither shall he multiply wives to himself, that his heart turn not away: neither shall he greatly multiply to himself silver and gold.

Because that would take from the levites

18And it shall be, when he sitteth upon the throne of his kingdom, that he shall write him a copy of this law in a book out of that which is before the priests the Levites:

19And it shall be with him, and he shall read therein all the days of his life: that he may learn to fear the LORD his God, to keep all the words of this law and these statutes, to do them:

20That his heart be not lifted up above his brethren, and that he turn not aside from the commandment, to the right hand, or to the left: to the end that he may prolong his days in his kingdom, he, and his children, in the midst of Israel.

Saturday, 14 March 2009

Deuteronomy 16

1Observe the month of Abib, and keep the passover unto the LORD thy God: for in the month of Abib the LORD thy God brought thee forth out of Egypt by night.

2Thou shalt therefore sacrifice the passover unto the LORD thy God, of the flock and the herd, in the place which the LORD shall choose to place his name there.

3Thou shalt eat no leavened bread with it; seven days shalt thou eat unleavened bread therewith, even the bread of affliction; for thou camest forth out of the land of Egypt in haste: that thou mayest remember the day when thou camest forth out of the land of Egypt all the days of thy life.

They left in haste but managed to take lots of precious metals and jewellery not to mention cattle not bad for so called slaves.

4And there shall be no leavened bread seen with thee in all thy coast seven days; neither shall there any thing of the flesh, which thou sacrificedst the first day at even, remain all night until the morning.

5Thou mayest not sacrifice the passover within any of thy gates, which the LORD thy God giveth thee:

Cos' they wouldn't want blood spilt in their towns, aside from the previous occupants blood of course.

6But at the place which the LORD thy God shall choose to place his name in, there thou shalt sacrifice the passover at even, at the going down of the sun, at the season that thou camest forth out of Egypt.

7And thou shalt roast and eat it in the place which the LORD thy God shall choose: and thou shalt turn in the morning, and go unto thy tents.

What ? They get to eat the sacrifice, that's not a sacrifice that's dinner.

8Six days thou shalt eat unleavened bread: and on the seventh day shall be a solemn assembly to the LORD thy God: thou shalt do no work therein.

"Solemn assembly" That's not the way the hallelujah brigade do it. Funny how they put so much emphasis on certain laws of de lard and yet totally reject or ignore other ones.

9Seven weeks shalt thou number unto thee: begin to number the seven weeks from such time as thou beginnest to put the sickle to the corn.

10And thou shalt keep the feast of weeks unto the LORD thy God with a tribute of a freewill offering of thine hand, which thou shalt give unto the LORD thy God, according as the LORD thy God hath blessed thee:

11And thou shalt rejoice before the LORD thy God, thou, and thy son, and thy daughter, and thy manservant, and thy maidservant, and the Levite that is within thy gates, and the stranger, and the fatherless, and the widow, that are among you, in the place which the LORD thy God hath chosen to place his name there.

Back to being nice to strangers but I thought the fatherless were damned for generations.

12And thou shalt remember that thou wast a bondman in Egypt: and thou shalt observe and do these statutes.

13Thou shalt observe the feast of tabernacles seven days, after that thou hast gathered in thy corn and thy wine:

14And thou shalt rejoice in thy feast, thou, and thy son, and thy daughter, and thy manservant, and thy maidservant, and the Levite, the stranger, and the fatherless, and the widow, that are within thy gates.

15Seven days shalt thou keep a solemn feast unto the LORD thy God in the place which the LORD shall choose: because the LORD thy God shall bless thee in all thine increase, and in all the works of thine hands, therefore thou shalt surely rejoice.

How do you solemnly rejoice ?

16Three times in a year shall all thy males appear before the LORD thy God in the place which he shall choose; in the feast of unleavened bread, and in the feast of weeks, and in the feast of tabernacles: and they shall not appear before the LORD empty:

17Every man shall give as he is able, according to the blessing of the LORD thy God which he hath given thee.

18Judges and officers shalt thou make thee in all thy gates, which the LORD thy God giveth thee, throughout thy tribes: and they shall judge the people with just judgment.

19Thou shalt not wrest judgment; thou shalt not respect persons, neither take a gift: for a gift doth blind the eyes of the wise, and pervert the words of the righteous.

20That which is altogether just shalt thou follow, that thou mayest live, and inherit the land which the LORD thy God giveth thee.

21Thou shalt not plant thee a grove of any trees near unto the altar of the LORD thy God, which thou shalt make thee.

22Neither shalt thou set thee up any image; which the LORD thy God hateth.

Is de lard just plain fucking ugly ? Why else would he have such a downer on images ?

Thursday, 12 March 2009

Deuteronomy 15


1At the end of every seven years thou shalt make a release.

Do I sense the tone is about to be lowered

2And this is the manner of the release: Every creditor that lendeth ought unto his neighbour shall release it; he shall not exact it of his neighbour, or of his brother; because it is called the LORD's release.

Oh! Oh! Oh! G g ggod Yesss

3Of a foreigner thou mayest exact it again: but that which is thine with thy brother thine hand shall release;

Aaww noooo...... Not with your Brother....... That's just wrong

4Save when there shall be no poor among you; for the LORD shall greatly bless thee in the land which the LORD thy God giveth thee for an inheritance to possess it:

5Only if thou carefully hearken unto the voice of the LORD thy God, to observe to do all these commandments which I command thee this day.

6For the LORD thy God blesseth thee, as he promised thee: and thou shalt lend unto many nations, but thou shalt not borrow; and thou shalt reign over many nations, but they shall not reign over thee.

7If there be among you a poor man of one of thy brethren within any of thy gates in thy land which the LORD thy God giveth thee, thou shalt not harden thine heart, nor shut thine hand from thy poor brother:

8But thou shalt open thine hand wide unto him, and shalt surely lend him sufficient for his need, in that which he wanteth.

How the fuck does that work ? If Jews are forbidden to borrow, how can another Jew lend him anything

9Beware that there be not a thought in thy wicked heart, saying, The seventh year, the year of release, is at hand; and thine eye be evil against thy poor brother, and thou givest him nought; and he cry unto the LORD against thee, and it be sin unto thee.

Chalk another one up for de lards biology lessons

10Thou shalt surely give him, and thine heart shall not be grieved when thou givest unto him: because that for this thing the LORD thy God shall bless thee in all thy works, and in all that thou puttest thine hand unto.

11For the poor shall never cease out of the land: therefore I command thee, saying, Thou shalt open thine hand wide unto thy brother, to thy poor, and to thy needy, in thy land.

12And if thy brother, an Hebrew man, or an Hebrew woman, be sold unto thee, and serve thee six years; then in the seventh year thou shalt let him go free from thee.

Your brother can be a Hebrew woman ?

Would that make them a T brew ?

13And when thou sendest him out free from thee, thou shalt not let him go away empty:

Pardon !!?? Freshly fisted for de lard.

14Thou shalt furnish him liberally out of thy flock, and out of thy floor, and out of thy winepress: of that wherewith the LORD thy God hath blessed thee thou shalt give unto him.

15And thou shalt remember that thou wast a bondman in the land of Egypt, and the LORD thy God redeemed thee: therefore I command thee this thing to day.

16And it shall be, if he say unto thee, I will not go away from thee; because he loveth thee and thine house, because he is well with thee;

17Then thou shalt take an aul, and thrust it through his ear unto the door, and he shall be thy servant for ever. And also unto thy maidservant thou shalt do likewise.

Seems like a form of marriage to me. Love is proclaimed and officially bonded for life ?

18It shall not seem hard unto thee, when thou sendest him away free from thee; for he hath been worth a double hired servant to thee, in serving thee six years: and the LORD thy God shall bless thee in all that thou doest.

19All the firstling males that come of thy herd and of thy flock thou shalt sanctify unto the LORD thy God: thou shalt do no work with the firstling of thy bullock, nor shear the firstling of thy sheep.

A bullock is a castrated bull therefore not unblemished.

20Thou shalt eat it before the LORD thy God year by year in the place which the LORD shall choose, thou and thy household.

21And if there be any blemish therein, as if it be lame, or blind, or have any ill blemish, thou shalt not sacrifice it unto the LORD thy God.

This only just occurred. How can you sacrifice an unblemished animal to de lard....Surely a fucking great gash in a beasts throat is a blemish ?

22Thou shalt eat it within thy gates: the unclean and the clean person shall eat it alike, as the roebuck, and as the hart.

23Only thou shalt not eat the blood thereof; thou shalt pour it upon the ground as water.

Monday, 9 March 2009

Deuteronomy 14

1Ye are the children of the LORD your God: ye shall not cut yourselves, nor make any baldness between your eyes for the dead.

2For thou art an holy people unto the LORD thy God, and the LORD hath chosen thee to be a peculiar people unto himself, above all the nations that are upon the earth.

3Thou shalt not eat any abominable thing.

Does that mean snowmen, or the Mother In Laws cooking ?

4These are the beasts which ye shall eat: the ox, the sheep, and the goat,

5The hart, and the roebuck, and the fallow deer, and the wild goat, and the pygarg, and the wild ox, and the chamois.

What the fuck is a pygarg

? I looked it up and it's definitely an antelope, or an eagle, or a rabbit, or perhaps one of these four legged birds or insects we have been told about.To be honest nobody is sure so it must have tasted real good as there are none left

6And every beast that parteth the hoof, and cleaveth the cleft into two claws, and cheweth the cud among the beasts, that ye shall eat.

7Nevertheless these ye shall not eat of them that chew the cud, or of them that divide the cloven hoof; as the camel, and the hare, and the coney: for they chew the cud, but divide not the hoof; therefore they are unclean unto you.

8And the swine, because it divideth the hoof, yet cheweth not the cud, it is unclean unto you: ye shall not eat of their flesh, nor touch their dead carcase.

But ...but... but...they taste soooo good.

No really, you can keep your ambrosia the real food of the gods is pork and bacon.

9These ye shall eat of all that are in the waters: all that have fins and scales shall ye eat:

10And whatsoever hath not fins and scales ye may not eat; it is unclean unto you.

11Of all clean birds ye shall eat.

12But these are they of which ye shall not eat: the eagle, and the ossifrage, and the ospray,

13And the glede, and the kite, and the vulture after his kind,

14And every raven after his kind,

15And the owl, and the night hawk, and the cuckow, and the hawk after his kind,

16The little owl, and the great owl, and the swan,

17And the pelican, and the gier eagle, and the cormorant,

18And the stork, and the heron after her kind, and the lapwing, and the bat.

The bat! fuck me am I stupid ?There was me thinking it was a mammal

19And every creeping thing that flieth is unclean unto you: they shall not be eaten.

You try riding a motorcycle and not eating the odd flying creeping thing. It happens, you can't help it, but come those balmy summer nights and autumn evenings I could keep a large family of bats healthy on the amount of flying insects I must digest. I don't even notice the taste half the time. The consistency however, is another matter.

20But of all clean fowls ye may eat.

Are there any left ?

21Ye shall not eat of anything that dieth of itself: thou shalt give it unto the stranger that is in thy gates, that he may eat it; or thou mayest sell it unto an alien: for thou art an holy people unto the LORD thy God. Thou shalt not seethe a kid in his mother's milk.

He does go on about this, I must admit I have never eaten a kid boiled in milk but if I did I would make sure I milked it's mother personally.

22Thou shalt truly tithe all the increase of thy seed, that the field bringeth forth year by year.

What ? de lard wants 10% of the wet spot when you and your lover have finished.

23And thou shalt eat before the LORD thy God, in the place which he shall choose to place his name there, the tithe of thy corn, of thy wine, and of thine oil, and the firstlings of thy herds and of thy flocks; that thou mayest learn to fear the LORD thy God always.

You try having a picnic halfway through a service, especially if you do your grovelling at one of the mega churches with thier gun toting ushers.

24And if the way be too long for thee, so that thou art not able to carry it; or if the place be too far from thee, which the LORD thy God shall choose to set his name there, when the LORD thy God hath blessed thee:

25Then shalt thou turn it into money, and bind up the money in thine hand, and shalt go unto the place which the LORD thy God shall choose:

Yea verily !de lard he has chosen your local preachers back pocket.

Fuck me you read lines like this and think how can people be this fucking stupid ?

26And thou shalt bestow that money for whatsoever thy soul lusteth after, for oxen, or for sheep, or for wine, or for strong drink, or for whatsoever thy soul desireth: and thou shalt eat there before the LORD thy God, and thou shalt rejoice, thou, and thine household,

27And the Levite that is within thy gates; thou shalt not forsake him; for he hath no part nor inheritance with thee.

For levite substitute you local religious leader

28At the end of three years thou shalt bring forth all the tithe of thine increase the same year, and shalt lay it up within thy gates:

29And the Levite, (because he hath no part nor inheritance with thee,) and the stranger, and the fatherless, and the widow, which are within thy gates, shall come, and shall eat and be satisfied; that the LORD thy God may bless thee in all the work of thine hand which thou doest.

Sunday, 8 March 2009

Deuteronomy 13

1If there arise among you a prophet, or a dreamer of dreams, and giveth thee a sign or a wonder,

This sign of wonder nowadays mostly seems waving your hands in the air and spouting some meaningless gibberish.

2And the sign or the wonder come to pass, whereof he spake unto thee, saying, Let us go after other gods, which thou hast not known, and let us serve them;

The ESV has this

2and the sign or wonder that he tells you comes to pass, and if he says, 'Let us go after other gods,' which you have not known, 'and let us serve them,'

3Thou shalt not hearken unto the words of that prophet, or that dreamer of dreams: for the LORD your God proveth you, to know whether ye love the LORD your God with all your heart and with all your soul.

3you shall not listen to the words of that prophet or that dreamer of dreams. For the LORD your God is testing you, to know whether you love the LORD your God with all your heart and with all your soul.

4Ye shall walk after the LORD your God, and fear him, and keep his commandments, and obey his voice, and ye shall serve him, and cleave unto him.

4You shall walk after the LORD your God and fear him and keep his commandments and obey his voice, and you shall serve him and hold fast to him.

5And that prophet, or that dreamer of dreams, shall be put to death; because he hath spoken to turn you away from the LORD your God, which brought you out of the land of Egypt, and redeemed you out of the house of bondage, to thrust thee out of the way which the LORD thy God commanded thee to walk in. So shalt thou put the evil away from the midst of thee.

Now I hate to have to keep repeating myself but as I see it these fundamentalist belief is that god willed the universe including his own sometimes physical form into existence. de lard is by his own admission suffering from a severe case of jealousy, which must by definition stem from his own insecurities and self loathing. Which makes me think why does he blame mankind for being as he created them and why did he create his own body with the reproductive organs of a eunuch shrew

6If thy brother, the son of thy mother, or thy son, or thy daughter, or the wife of thy bosom, or thy friend, which is as thine own soul, entice thee secretly, saying, Let us go and serve other gods, which thou hast not known, thou, nor thy fathers;

7Namely, of the gods of the people which are round about you, nigh unto thee, or far off from thee, from the one end of the earth even unto the other end of the earth;

de lards omniscience again, how does a globe have ends ?

8Thou shalt not consent unto him, nor hearken unto him; neither shall thine eye pity him, neither shalt thou spare, neither shalt thou conceal him:

9But thou shalt surely kill him; thine hand shall be first upon him to put him to death, and afterwards the hand of all the people.

10And thou shalt stone him with stones, that he die; because he hath sought to thrust thee away from the LORD thy God, which brought thee out of the land of Egypt, from the house of bondage.

Hey, cool ,I'm gonna get stoned !

11And all Israel shall hear, and fear, and shall do no more any such wickedness as this is among you.

Killing and maiming of innocent people children included is fine but don't you dare bow down to any other imaginary tyrant (does this not include the as yet future alleged messiah and all the other sons of god)

12If thou shalt hear say in one of thy cities, which the LORD thy God hath given thee to dwell there, saying,

13Certain men, the children of Belial, are gone out from among you, and have withdrawn the inhabitants of their city, saying, Let us go and serve other gods, which ye have not known;

14Then shalt thou enquire, and make search, and ask diligently; and, behold, if it be truth, and the thing certain, that such abomination is wrought among you;

15Thou shalt surely smite the inhabitants of that city with the edge of the sword, destroying it utterly, and all that is therein, and the cattle thereof, with the edge of the sword.

Is this not de lards omniscience again conspicuous by it's abscence. No mention of an air force, rocket launchers or fragmentation grenades.

16And thou shalt gather all the spoil of it into the midst of the street thereof, and shalt burn with fire the city, and all the spoil thereof every whit, for the LORD thy God: and it shall be an heap for ever; it shall not be built again.

17And there shall cleave nought of the cursed thing to thine hand: that the LORD may turn from the fierceness of his anger, and shew thee mercy, and have compassion upon thee, and multiply thee, as he hath sworn unto thy fathers;

de lards impotence showing here, why doesn't he do it himself ?

18When thou shalt hearken to the voice of the LORD thy God, to keep all his commandments which I command thee this day, to do that which is right in the eyes of the LORD thy God.

Friday, 6 March 2009

Deuteronomy 12

1These are the statutes and judgments, which ye shall observe to do in the land, which the LORD God of thy fathers giveth thee to possess it, all the days that ye live upon the earth.

2Ye shall utterly destroy all the places, wherein the nations which ye shall possess served their gods, upon the high mountains, and upon the hills, and under every green tree:

3And ye shall overthrow their altars, and break their pillars, and burn their groves with fire; and ye shall hew down the graven images of their gods, and destroy the names of them out of that place.

Almost makes me want to go vandalise a church or synagogue

4Ye shall not do so unto the LORD your God.

Or at least have sex on the altar.

5But unto the place which the LORD your God shall choose out of all your tribes to put his name there, even unto his habitation shall ye seek, and thither thou shalt come:

6And thither ye shall bring your burnt offerings, and your sacrifices, and your tithes, and heave offerings of your hand, and your vows, and your freewill offerings, and the firstlings of your herds and of your flocks:

7And there ye shall eat before the LORD your God, and ye shall rejoice in all that ye put your hand unto, ye and your households, wherein the LORD thy God hath blessed thee.

8Ye shall not do after all the things that we do here this day, every man whatsoever is right in his own eyes.

9For ye are not as yet come to the rest and to the inheritance, which the LORD your God giveth you.

What ! This means the land they have already annexed they are not intending to keep. That makes the atrocities already committed in the name of de lard even worse. Fuck me although murder and rape are appalling crimes, you can see they possibly felt justified but to do that to entire populations just to borrow the land........Complete and utter cunt is not enough of an insult to throw at these contemptible bastards.

10But when ye go over Jordan, and dwell in the land which the LORD your God giveth you to inherit, and when he giveth you rest from all your enemies round about, so that ye dwell in safety;

Well they are still waiting for that one.

11Then there shall be a place which the LORD your God shall choose to cause his name to dwell there; thither shall ye bring all that I command you; your burnt offerings, and your sacrifices, your tithes, and the heave offering of your hand, and all your choice vows which ye vow unto the LORD:

You would have thought with all the deaths in the cities ,that de lard would have been satisfied for a millennia or two.

12And ye shall rejoice before the LORD your God, ye, and your sons, and your daughters, and your menservants, and your maidservants, and the Levite that is within your gates; for as much as he hath no part nor inheritance with you.

13Take heed to thyself that thou offer not thy burnt offerings in every place that thou seest:

14But in the place which the LORD shall choose in one of thy tribes, there thou shalt offer thy burnt offerings, and there thou shalt do all that I command thee.

15Notwithstanding thou mayest kill and eat flesh in all thy gates, whatsoever thy soul lusteth after, according to the blessing of the LORD thy God which he hath given thee: the unclean and the clean may eat thereof, as of the roebuck, and as of the hart.

Cannibalism is OK then.

16Only ye shall not eat the blood; ye shall pour it upon the earth as water.

But no black pudding

17Thou mayest not eat within thy gates the tithe of thy corn, or of thy wine, or of thy oil, or the firstlings of thy herds or of thy flock, nor any of thy vows which thou vowest, nor thy freewill offerings, or heave offering of thine hand:

18But thou must eat them before the LORD thy God in the place which the LORD thy God shall choose, thou, and thy son, and thy daughter, and thy manservant, and thy maidservant, and the Levite that is within thy gates: and thou shalt rejoice before the LORD thy God in all that thou puttest thine hands unto.

19Take heed to thyself that thou forsake not the Levite as long as thou livest upon the earth.

Don't forget to nurse your parasites.

20When the LORD thy God shall enlarge thy border, as he hath promised thee, and thou shalt say, I will eat flesh, because thy soul longeth to eat flesh; thou mayest eat flesh, whatsoever thy soul lusteth after.

21If the place which the LORD thy God hath chosen to put his name there be too far from thee, then thou shalt kill of thy herd and of thy flock, which the LORD hath given thee, as I have commanded thee, and thou shalt eat in thy gates whatsoever thy soul lusteth after.

22Even as the roebuck and the hart is eaten, so thou shalt eat them: the unclean and the clean shall eat of them alike.

23Only be sure that thou eat not the blood: for the blood is the life; and thou mayest not eat the life with the flesh.

24Thou shalt not eat it; thou shalt pour it upon the earth as water.

I am struggling to get past this fact. de lard has no clue about how his creations work, time and time again he makes stupid assertions about his living creatures. Assertions which (here in England at least) your average child should be able to see the flaws before leaving junior school.

25Thou shalt not eat it; that it may go well with thee, and with thy children after thee, when thou shalt do that which is right in the sight of the LORD.

26Only thy holy things which thou hast, and thy vows, thou shalt take, and go unto the place which the LORD shall choose:

27And thou shalt offer thy burnt offerings, the flesh and the blood, upon the altar of the LORD thy God: and the blood of thy sacrifices shall be poured out upon the altar of the LORD thy God, and thou shalt eat the flesh.

28Observe and hear all these words which I command thee, that it may go well with thee, and with thy children after thee for ever, when thou doest that which is good and right in the sight of the LORD thy God.

29When the LORD thy God shall cut off the nations from before thee, whither thou goest to possess them, and thou succeedest them, and dwellest in their land;

30Take heed to thyself that thou be not snared by following them, after that they be destroyed from before thee; and that thou enquire not after their gods, saying, How did these nations serve their gods? even so will I do likewise.

31Thou shalt not do so unto the LORD thy God: for every abomination to the LORD, which he hateth, have they done unto their gods; for even their sons and their daughters they have burnt in the fire to their gods.

32What thing soever I command you, observe to do it: thou shalt not add thereto, nor diminish from it.

Remember that when I get to the new testament.

Thursday, 5 March 2009

Deuteronomy 11

1Therefore thou shalt love the LORD thy God, and keep his charge, and his statutes, and his judgments, and his commandments, alway.

Because de lard is the epitome of love.

2And know ye this day: for I speak not with your children which have not known, and which have not seen the chastisement of the LORD your God, his greatness, his mighty hand, and his stretched out arm,

And de lard will smack the shit out of you if you don't shape up and grovel enough.

3And his miracles, and his acts, which he did in the midst of Egypt unto Pharaoh the king of Egypt, and unto all his land;

4And what he did unto the army of Egypt, unto their horses, and to their chariots; how he made the water of the Red sea to overflow them as they pursued after you, and how the LORD hath destroyed them unto this day;

And de lard will take the credit for natural disasters cos he loves beating his meat over pain and suffering.

5And what he did unto you in the wilderness, until ye came into this place;

6And what he did unto Dathan and Abiram, the sons of Eliab, the son of Reuben: how the earth opened her mouth, and swallowed them up, and their households, and their tents, and all the substance that was in their possession, in the midst of all Israel:

7But your eyes have seen all the great acts of the LORD which he did.

They were so impressed that huge portions of the community forgot and rebelled on semi regular basis.

8Therefore shall ye keep all the commandments which I command you this day, that ye may be strong, and go in and possess the land, whither ye go to possess it;

9And that ye may prolong your days in the land, which the LORD sware unto your fathers to give unto them and to their seed, a land that floweth with milk and honey.

10For the land, whither thou goest in to possess it, is not as the land of Egypt, from whence ye came out, where thou sowedst thy seed, and wateredst it with thy foot, as a garden of herbs:

de lards grasp on anatomy is as good as ever.

11But the land, whither ye go to possess it, is a land of hills and valleys, and drinketh water of the rain of heaven:

12A land which the LORD thy God careth for: the eyes of the LORD thy God are always upon it, from the beginning of the year even unto the end of the year.

13And it shall come to pass, if ye shall hearken diligently unto my commandments which I command you this day, to love the LORD your God, and to serve him with all your heart and with all your soul,

14That I will give you the rain of your land in his due season, the first rain and the latter rain, that thou mayest gather in thy corn, and thy wine, and thine oil.

So if ever there is a lack of rainfall it is not the responsibility of de lard, but the fault of the Israelites for being naughty boys and girls.

15And I will send grass in thy fields for thy cattle, that thou mayest eat and be full.

16Take heed to yourselves, that your heart be not deceived, and ye turn aside, and serve other gods, and worship them;

Why do these "bible believing christians " never remember that the bible states many times there are other gods.

17And then the LORD's wrath be kindled against you, and he shut up the heaven, that there be no rain, and that the land yield not her fruit; and lest ye perish quickly from off the good land which the LORD giveth you.

Ah ! It's not pollution and CO2 emissions causing global warming, it's the Jewish people, not spending enough time with their burnt offerings. Funny I would have thought that would have added to the problem.

18Therefore shall ye lay up these my words in your heart and in your soul, and bind them for a sign upon your hand, that they may be as frontlets between your eyes.

Is de lard suggesting they have copies of the stone tablets dangling in front of their eyes? Or perhaps it's metaphorical and de lard wants them to imagine the words tattooed on his scrotum.

19And ye shall teach them your children, speaking of them when thou sittest in thine house, and when thou walkest by the way, when thou liest down, and when thou risest up.

And they say childhood isn't as good as it used to0 be.

20And thou shalt write them upon the door posts of thine house, and upon thy gates:

21That your days may be multiplied, and the days of your children, in the land which the LORD sware unto your fathers to give them, as the days of heaven upon the earth.

22For if ye shall diligently keep all these commandments which I command you, to do them, to love the LORD your God, to walk in all his ways, and to cleave unto him;

23Then will the LORD drive out all these nations from before you, and ye shall possess greater nations and mightier than yourselves.

A line for Nazi conspiracy theorists

24Every place whereon the soles of your feet shall tread shall be yours: from the wilderness and Lebanon, from the river, the river Euphrates, even unto the uttermost sea shall your coast be.

Does that mean de lard hates shoes, Has anyone told the Phelps ?

25There shall no man be able to stand before you: for the LORD your God shall lay the fear of you and the dread of you upon all the land that ye shall tread upon, as he hath said unto you.

26Behold, I set before you this day a blessing and a curse;

27A blessing, if ye obey the commandments of the LORD your God, which I command you this day:

28And a curse, if ye will not obey the commandments of the LORD your God, but turn aside out of the way which I command you this day, to go after other gods, which ye have not known.

Have we not been told of Free will surely the concept of free will goes out of the window when every aspect of your lives is governed by a tyrant.

29And it shall come to pass, when the LORD thy God hath brought thee in unto the land whither thou goest to possess it, that thou shalt put the blessing upon mount Gerizim, and the curse upon mount Ebal.

30Are they not on the other side Jordan, by the way where the sun goeth down, in the land of the Canaanites, which dwell in the champaign over against Gilgal, beside the plains of Moreh?

31For ye shall pass over Jordan to go in to possess the land which the LORD your God giveth you, and ye shall possess it, and dwell therein.

32And ye shall observe to do all the statutes and judgments which I set before you this day.
 
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