Friday, 15 August 2008

Exodus 34

Exodus 34

1And the LORD said unto Moses, Hew thee two tables of stone like unto the first: and I will write upon these tables the words that were in the first tables, which thou brakest.

Would they not be images of the first tablets ? Did not god forbid the carving of images of all things in heaven and earth ?

2And be ready in the morning, and come up in the morning unto mount Sinai, and present thyself there to me in the top of the mount.

In the previous chapter we were told how Moses espied gods backparts.

Was this a promise of things to come ? Is this what god means by present yourself.

Do I remember Cher saying something similar...I love the internet I don't need a memory anymore....

Supposedly on her 40th birthday she saw hunky 22-year-old bagel-boy Rob Camilletti for the first time and said, "Have him washed and brought to my tent."

3And no man shall come up with thee, neither let any man be seen throughout all the mount; neither let the flocks nor herds feed before that mount.

No witnesses cos god is unleashing his never before seen legendary foresight. He knows he is going to poo poo poop chute sex in the next book. Just trying it again to make sure it really is disgusting.

Personally I think any sex should be disgusting..............If its done really well.

4And he hewed two tables of stone like unto the first; and Moses rose up early in the morning, and went up unto mount Sinai, as the LORD had commanded him, and took in his hand the two tables of stone.

Funny I always imagined them bigger than just a hand full, perhaps I have Charlton Heston for that.

5And the LORD descended in the cloud, and stood with him there, and proclaimed the name of the LORD.

Oh god !,Oh god !,Oh god !,Oh god !,Aaahhhhh men.No wonder he didn't want people overhearing

6And the LORD passed by before him, and proclaimed, The LORD, The LORD God, merciful and gracious, longsuffering, and abundant in goodness and truth,

7Keeping mercy for thousands, forgiving iniquity and transgression and sin, and that will by no means clear the guilty; visiting the iniquity of the fathers upon the children, and upon the children's children, unto the third and to the fourth generation.

Have I understood this correctly ? He forgives you wrongdoing but will punish your children, grandchildren, great grandchildren and great great grandchildren for something you have done. What a complete and utter cunt !

8And Moses made haste, and bowed his head toward the earth, and worshipped.

Now don't talk with your mouth full Moses. Wait , judging by how insecure god seems to be, that'll probably half full no deep throat needed here.

9And he said, If now I have found grace in thy sight, O LORD, let my LORD, I pray thee, go among us; for it is a stiffnecked people; and pardon our iniquity and our sin, and take us for thine inheritance.

I thought he already took thier inheritence.

10And he said, Behold, I make a covenant: before all thy people I will do marvels, such as have not been done in all the earth, nor in any nation: and all the people among which thou art shall see the work of the LORD: for it is a terrible thing that I will do with thee.

Would this statement not have been a bit more convincing if god had broadcast it to the world ,or at least to the throng below, rather than just what amounts to pillow talk.

11Observe thou that which I command thee this day: behold, I drive out before thee the Amorite, and the Canaanite, and the Hittite, and the Perizzite, and the Hivite, and the Jebusite.

But you got to get to know them first cos' you can't be mean to strangers ?

12Take heed to thyself, lest thou make a covenant with the inhabitants of the land whither thou goest, lest it be for a snare in the midst of thee:

You can't say take out a lease or rent your land amicably

13But ye shall destroy their altars, break their images, and cut down their groves:

You shall vandalise any of thier shit the as and when you find it.

14For thou shalt worship no other god: for the LORD, whose name is Jealous, is a jealous God:

Because god is terribly insecure cos his mumsy don't loves him and he has a terribly small tadger.

15Lest thou make a covenant with the inhabitants of the land, and they go a whoring after their gods, and do sacrifice unto their gods, and one call thee, and thou eat of his sacrifice;

16And thou take of their daughters unto thy sons, and their daughters go a whoring after their gods, and make thy sons go a whoring after their gods.

Because the race must be pure for the fatherland... seig heil !

17Thou shalt make thee no molten gods.

No runny gods here.

18The feast of unleavened bread shalt thou keep. Seven days thou shalt eat unleavened bread, as I commanded thee, in the time of the month Abib: for in the month Abib thou camest out from Egypt.

Though shalt not waste yeast on breadmaking .....Its needed for beer

19All that openeth the matrix is mine; and every firstling among thy cattle, whether ox or sheep, that is male.

A worryingthought,why would he want only the male firstborn .Is gods gayness leaping species.

20But the firstling of an ass thou shalt redeem with a lamb: and if thou redeem him not, then shalt thou break his neck. All the firstborn of thy sons thou shalt redeem. And none shall appear before me empty.

Here we go again. Why ? We have been told god created all the species of the earth in a few days. Why does he just not snap his fingers and call one into existance instead of blagging one off his "followers" ?

21Six days thou shalt work, but on the seventh day thou shalt rest: in earing time and in harvest thou shalt rest.

Try telling that to a farmer when his crops are going tits up and need harvesting now. Mind you god never had much time for farmers. Remember Able ?

22And thou shalt observe the feast of weeks, of the firstfruits of wheat harvest, and the feast of ingathering at the year's end.

Because your god must have his beer.

23Thrice in the year shall all your menchildren appear before the LORD God, the God of Israel.

That could have been phrased better.

24For I will cast out the nations before thee, and enlarge thy borders: neither shall any man desire thy land, when thou shalt go up to appear before the LORD thy God thrice in the year.

Is this the recurring theme that has made the jewish people so unwelcome in countries throughout the world ?

25Thou shalt not offer the blood of my sacrifice with leaven; neither shall the sacrifice of the feast of the passover be left unto the morning.

Because I am so powerful and magnificent, but will be upset if you don't manage it on time.

26The first of the firstfruits of thy land thou shalt bring unto the house of the LORD thy God. Thou shalt not seethe a kid in his mother's milk.

So the his almighty benevolence has told us that if we fuck up he will fuck us over for four generations and by the way here is a list of demands for any shit you might acquire through hard work.

27And the LORD said unto Moses, Write thou these words: for after the tenor of these words I have made a covenant with thee and with Israel.

And he can't even be bothered to write his owwn list out.

28And he was there with the LORD forty days and forty nights; he did neither eat bread, nor drink water. And he wrote upon the tables the words of the covenant, the ten commandments.

So you can live on semen alone.

29And it came to pass, when Moses came down from mount Sinai with the two tables of testimony in Moses' hand, when he came down from the mount, that Moses wist not that the skin of his face shone while he talked with him.

I thought it was good for the complexion.

30And when Aaron and all the children of Israel saw Moses, behold, the skin of his face shone; and they were afraid to come nigh him.

31And Moses called unto them; and Aaron and all the rulers of the congregation returned unto him: and Moses talked with them.

32And afterward all the children of Israel came nigh: and he gave them in commandment all that the LORD had spoken with him in mount Sinai.

33And till Moses had done speaking with them, he put a vail on his face.

34But when Moses went in before the LORD to speak with him, he took the vail off, until he came out. And he came out, and spake unto the children of Israel that which he was commanded.

So god didn't want the people to be near him and now he is in the tent......

Hello Jethro.

35And the children of Israel saw the face of Moses, that the skin of Moses' face shone: and Moses put the vail upon his face again, until he went in to speak with him.

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