2 Samuel 10

   ¹And it came to pass after this, that the king of the children of Ammon died, and Hanun his son reigned in his stead.

The dead king was named Nahash you will find him mentioned in earlier chapters of first and second Samuel

   ²Then said David, I will shew kindness unto Hanun the son of Nahash, as his father shewed kindness unto me. And David sent to comfort him by the hand of his servants for his father. And David's servants came into the land of the children of Ammon.

Whenever I read the word kindness and it is associated with a biblical "hero" I cannot help but think there is a reason for this "kindness".
 
   ³And the princes of the children of Ammon said unto Hanun their lord, Thinkest thou that David doth honour thy father, that he hath sent comforters unto thee? hath not David rather sent his servants unto thee, to search the city, and to spy it out, and to overthrow it?

Great minds think alike.
 
   ⁴Wherefore Hanun took David's servants, and shaved off the one half of their beards, and cut off their garments in the middle, even to their buttocks, and sent them away.

Really!?
They suspected them of spying and that is all they did.
 
Perhaps we should treat terrorists in this manner.

Especially if the bikini was made of bacon

   ⁵When they told it unto David, he sent to meet them, because the men were greatly ashamed: and the king said, Tarry at Jericho until your beards be grown, and then return. 
   ⁶And when the children of Ammon saw that they stank before David, the children of Ammon sent and hired the Syrians of Bethrehob and the Syrians of Zoba, twenty thousand footmen, and of king Maacah a thousand men, and of Ishtob twelve thousand men.

I thought it was the Ammonites that thought there was something about Davids servants visit that "smelled funny."

   ⁷And when David heard of it, he sent Joab, and all the host of the mighty men.
   ⁸And the children of Ammon came out, and put the battle in array at the entering in of the gate: and the Syrians of Zoba, and of Rehob, and Ishtob, and Maacah, were by themselves in the field.
   ⁹When Joab saw that the front of the battle was against him before and behind, he chose of all the choice men of Israel, and put them in array against the Syrians:
   ¹⁰And the rest of the people he delivered into the hand of Abishai his brother, that he might put them in array against the children of Ammon.
   ¹¹And he said, If the Syrians be too strong for me, then thou shalt help me: but if the children of Ammon be too strong for thee, then I will come and help thee.
   ¹²Be of good courage, and let us play the men for our people, and for the cities of our God: and the LORD do that which seemeth him good.
   ¹³And Joab drew nigh, and the people that were with him, unto the battle against the Syrians: and they fled before him.
   ¹⁴And when the children of Ammon saw that the Syrians were fled, then fled they also before Abishai, and entered into the city. So Joab returned from the children of Ammon, and came to Jerusalem.
   ¹⁵And when the Syrians saw that they were smitten before Israel, they gathered themselves together.
   ¹⁶And Hadarezer sent, and brought out the Syrians that were beyond the river: and they came to Helam; and Shobach the captain of the host of Hadarezer went before them.
   ¹⁷And when it was told David, he gathered all Israel together, and passed over Jordan, and came to Helam. And the Syrians set themselves in array against David, and fought with him.
   ¹⁸And the Syrians fled before Israel; and David slew the men of seven hundred chariots of the Syrians, and forty thousand horsemen, and smote Shobach the captain of their host, who died there.
   ¹⁹And when all the kings that were servants to Hadarezer saw that they were smitten before Israel, they made peace with Israel, and served them. So the Syrians feared to help the children of Ammon any more.

To me the way this reads, the state of israel (if it existed at this time) was able to gather an army capable of standing against an army of Ammonites plus 33,000 mercinaries. For once I am able to accept these (approximate) numbers for the hostile forces.
I do however remain unconvinced that this battle happened, for the simple reason there would be evidence. To date I am aware of none.

2 Samuel 9

   ¹And David said, Is there yet any that is left of the house of Saul, that I may shew him kindness for Jonathan's sake?
   ²And there was of the house of Saul a servant whose name was Ziba. And when they had called him unto David, the king said unto him, Art thou Ziba? And he said, Thy servant is he.

So, although Ziba is "of the house of Saul" he is not counted because of his social standing.

   ³And the king said, Is there not yet any of the house of Saul, that I may shew the kindness of God unto him? And Ziba said unto the king, Jonathan hath yet a son, which is lame on his feet.

 Need I mention delard hates cripples lev 21:18 
Could the reason be that delard made him incorrectly and it shows that he is infallible? 

                                                              Hope Chapel Quartet

                                                       22606 - No Cripples In Heaven
                                                  (R.L. Mabe, Sound Inc Music, BMI)


   ⁴And the king said unto him, Where is he? And Ziba said unto the king, Behold, he is in the house of Machir, the son of Ammiel, in Lodebar.
   ⁵Then king David sent, and fetched him out of the house of Machir, the son of Ammiel, from Lodebar.
   ⁶Now when Mephibosheth, the son of Jonathan, the son of Saul, was come unto David, he fell on his face, and did reverence. And David said, Mephibosheth. And he answered, Behold thy servant!

Please note when taking a cripple home dont forget his zimmer frame.

 
   ⁷And David said unto him, Fear not: for I will surely shew thee kindness for Jonathan thy father's sake, and will restore thee all the land of Saul thy father; and thou shalt eat bread at my table continually.
   ⁸And he bowed himself, and said, What is thy servant, that thou shouldest look upon such a dead dog as I am?
   ⁹Then the king called to Ziba, Saul's servant, and said unto him, I have given unto thy master's son all that pertained to Saul and to all his house.
   ¹⁰Thou therefore, and thy sons, and thy servants, shall till the land for him, and thou shalt bring in the fruits, that thy master's son may have food to eat: but Mephibosheth thy master's son shall eat bread always at my table. Now Ziba had fifteen sons and twenty servants.

So Davids "kindness" to one man that delard despises involves the comtinued enslavement of another mans whole family, and to cap it all another twenty people which are the servants servants.
 Let's face it in delards world these would be either women or people of a different race.

   ¹¹Then said Ziba unto the king, According to all that my lord the king hath commanded his servant, so shall thy servant do. As for Mephibosheth, said the king, he shall eat at my table, as one of the king's sons.
   ¹²And Mephibosheth had a young son, whose name was Micha. And all that dwelt in the house of Ziba were servants unto Mephibosheth.
   ¹³So Mephibosheth dwelt in Jerusalem: for he did eat continually at the king's table; and was lame on both his feet.

2 Samuel 8

   ¹And after this it came to pass that David smote the Philistines, and subdued them: and David took Methegammah out of the hand of the Philistines.

There's gratitude for you. After the Philistines sheltered him from Saul. You would have thought that this would be the prime time top forge a new alliance with mutual understanding and a fusion of ideas and prosperity.

   ²And he smote Moab, and measured them with a line, casting them down to the ground; even with two lines measured he to put to death, and with one full line to keep alive. And so the Moabites became David's servants, and brought gifts.

Slavery still ok then.
 
   ³David smote also Hadadezer, the son of Rehob, king of Zobah, as he went to recover his border at the river Euphrates.

All the way to the Euphrates. hmm!
Now here's the thing. The bible would have us believe that David at this time was able to establish an empire that covered  an area of nearly the same size as Great Britain. I have looked and find that as usual any supporting evidence is so far almost non existant and the little there is, is very open to interpretation.Aside from a few pots here and there (which could have migrated via travellers) there is nothing. The only maps of Davids empire I can find cite the bible as thier inspiration.

  There has just been announced some evidence of a cult, you can read some details here
How this equates to the vast armies we read of here can only be but one of the many  problems with the oral tradition. 

   ⁴And David took from him a thousand chariots, and seven hundred horsemen, and twenty thousand footmen: and David houghed all the chariot horses, but reserved of them for an hundred chariots.

Houghed means hamstrung. A means of "hobbling" cutting some ligaments to the feet to restrict movement. I have to ask WHY! What the fuck is the point. Training horses for chariots takes time, If he had more than he needed, why not use them for other things? Even food, horse meat tastes yummy and would make a nice change from goat.

   ⁵And when the Syrians of Damascus came to succour Hadadezer king of Zobah, David slew of the Syrians two and twenty thousand men.

Funny how no other record of this has ever been found. As usual though, there is much written in support of it. Citing paper after paper all ultinately going back to the same source. You guessed it the fucking bible. How are they still getting away with the"it's in the bible so it must be true"shit?

   ⁶Then David put garrisons in Syria of Damascus: and the Syrians became servants to David, and brought gifts. And the LORD preserved David whithersoever he went.

The Syrian city Ebla did fall around 900 bce

   ⁷And David took the shields of gold that were on the servants of Hadadezer, and brought them to Jerusalem.

Shields of gold ? I don't buy it ! Wooden ones were heavy enough. Brass,bronze or copper could be feasable, but they would be golden not gold surely

   ⁸And from Betah, and from Berothai, cities of Hadadezer, king David took exceeding much brass.
   ⁹When Toi king of Hamath heard that David had smitten all the host of Hadadezer,
   ¹⁰Then Toi sent Joram his son unto king David, to salute him, and to bless him, because he had fought against Hadadezer, and smitten him: for Hadadezer had wars with Toi. And Joram brought with him vessels of silver, and vessels of gold, and vessels of brass:

So a man called Toi sent David his son to "salute him" A boy Toi indeed! I wonder who stood more at attention?

 
   ¹¹Which also king David did dedicate unto the LORD, with the silver and gold that he had dedicated of all nations which he subdued;

Dedicated? How does stolen change to dedicated

from the online etymology dictionary 
 dedicate (v.)

early 15c. (of churches), from L. dedicatus, pp. of dedicare "consecrate, proclaim, affirm, set apart," from de- "away" (see de-) + dicare "proclaim," from stem of dicere "to speak, to say" (see diction). Dedicated "devoted to one's aims or vocation" is first attested 1944.

   ¹²Of Syria, and of Moab, and of the children of Ammon, and of the Philistines, and of Amalek, and of the spoil of Hadadezer, son of Rehob, king of Zobah.
   ¹³And David gat him a name when he returned from smiting of the Syrians in the valley of salt, being eighteen thousand men.
   ¹⁴And he put garrisons in Edom; throughout all Edom put he garrisons, and all they of Edom became David's servants. And the LORD preserved David whithersoever he went.
   ¹⁵And David reigned over all Israel; and David executed judgment and justice unto all his people.

So David had Justice and Judgement executed did he.?
At least he was honest about it.

 That seems to be happening again somewhere.............
Without the honesty of course.


   ¹⁶And Joab the son of Zeruiah was over the host; and Jehoshaphat the son of Ahilud was recorder;
   ¹⁷And Zadok the son of Ahitub, and Ahimelech the son of Abiathar, were the priests; and Seraiah was the scribe;
   ¹⁸And Benaiah the son of Jehoiada was over both the Cherethites and the Pelethites; and David's sons were chief rulers.

Why do I get the feeling that the first fifteen verses are just filler to contain the names of those in the last three.
 

2 Samuel 7

   ¹And it came to pass, when the king sat in his house, and the LORD had given him rest round about from all his enemies;

De lard gave him rest from all his enemies.
It's more likely David had them all killed. 

   ²That the king said unto Nathan the prophet, See now, I dwell in an house of cedar, but the ark of God dwelleth within curtains.

Thats the beauty of gold ...It don't rust.
 
   ³And Nathan said to the king, Go, do all that is in thine heart; for the LORD is with thee.

Are we back to more man on man loving?
 
   ⁴And it came to pass that night, that the word of the LORD came unto Nathan, saying,
   ⁵Go and tell my servant David, Thus saith the LORD, Shalt thou build me an house for me to dwell in?

The word of de lard came to Nathen? Is Davids semen now the word of de lard?
Oh! Sorry, got carried away there it means Nathan had an idea.
 
   ⁶Whereas I have not dwelt in any house since the time that I brought up the children of Israel out of Egypt, even to this day, but have walked in a tent and in a tabernacle.
   ⁷In all the places wherein I have walked with all the children of Israel spake I a word with any of the tribes of Israel, whom I commanded to feed my people Israel, saying, Why build ye not me an house of cedar?

Is this all sexual metaphor....He had a floppy tent and now he wants wood?

                           
   ⁸Now therefore so shalt thou say unto my servant David, Thus saith the LORD of hosts, I took thee from the sheepcote, from following the sheep, to be ruler over my people, over Israel:
   ⁹And I was with thee whithersoever thou wentest, and have cut off all thine enemies out of thy sight, and have made thee a great name, like unto the name of the great men that are in the earth.
   ¹⁰Moreover I will appoint a place for my people Israel, and will plant them, that they may dwell in a place of their own, and move no more; neither shall the children of wickedness afflict them any more, as beforetime,
   ¹¹And as since the time that I commanded judges to be over my people Israel, and have caused thee to rest from all thine enemies. Also the LORD telleth thee that he will make thee an house.
   ¹²And when thy days be fulfilled, and thou shalt sleep with thy fathers, I will set up thy seed after thee, which shall proceed out of thy bowels, and I will establish his kingdom.

There you have it, so next time some one starts quoting leviticus 18:22 you can reply with 2 Samuel 7:12. Cos if that is truly the word of de lard he is talking gay anal creampie and maybe a little felching on the side.  

I see a tattoo and a t shirt in the near future.

I now have a new favourite biblical verse

 It is said that Mohammed frothed at the mouth when he recieved his visions,the most likely explaination is he was epileptic however  knowing now what we do now, it looks like it wasn't froth.

   ¹³He shall build an house for my name, and I will stablish the throne of his kingdom for ever.

Yet another of de lards prophesies that has failed the test of time.
Or perhaps it is one of the many deliberate mis-translations, perhaps it originally said a couple of hours.
 
   ¹⁴I will be his father, and he shall be my son. If he commit iniquity, I will chasten him with the rod of men, and with the stripes of the children of men:
   ¹⁵But my mercy shall not depart away from him, as I took it from Saul, whom I put away before thee.
   ¹⁶And thine house and thy kingdom shall be established for ever before thee: thy throne shall be established for ever.
   ¹⁷According to all these words, and according to all this vision, so did Nathan speak unto David.
   ¹⁸Then went king David in, and sat before the LORD, and he said, Who am I, O Lord GOD? and what is my house, that thou hast brought me hitherto?
   ¹⁹And this was yet a small thing in thy sight, O Lord GOD; but thou hast spoken also of thy servant's house for a great while to come. And is this the manner of man, O Lord GOD?
   ²⁰And what can David say more unto thee? for thou, Lord GOD, knowest thy servant.
   ²¹For thy word's sake, and according to thine own heart, hast thou done all these great things, to make thy servant know them.
   ²²Wherefore thou art great, O LORD God: for there is none like thee, neither is there any God beside thee, according to all that we have heard with our ears. 

Pardon? " Neither is there any god beside thee?"  So there you have it . There is no god it says so in the bible so it must be true.


   ²³And what one nation in the earth is like thy people, even like Israel, whom God went to redeem for a people to himself, and to make him a name, and to do for you great things and terrible, for thy land, before thy people, which thou redeemedst to thee from Egypt, from the nations and their gods?
   ²⁴For thou hast confirmed to thyself thy people Israel to be a people unto thee for ever: and thou, LORD, art become their God.
   ²⁵And now, O LORD God, the word that thou hast spoken concerning thy servant, and concerning his house, establish it for ever, and do as thou hast said.
   ²⁶And let thy name be magnified for ever, saying, The LORD of hosts is the God over Israel: and let the house of thy servant David be established before thee.
   ²⁷For thou, O LORD of hosts, God of Israel, hast revealed to thy servant, saying, I will build thee an house: therefore hath thy servant found in his heart to pray this prayer unto thee.
   ²⁸And now, O Lord GOD, thou art that God, and thy words be true, and thou hast promised this goodness unto thy servant:
   ²⁹Therefore now let it please thee to bless the house of thy servant, that it may continue for ever before thee: for thou, O Lord GOD, hast spoken it: and with thy blessing let the house of thy servant be blessed for ever.

2 Samuel 6

   ¹Again, David gathered together all the chosen men of Israel, thirty thousand.
   ²And David arose, and went with all the people that were with him from Baale of Judah, to bring up from thence the ark of God, whose name is called by the name of the LORD of hosts that dwelleth between the cherubims.

Funny never thought of cherubims as thighs before.
 
   ³And they set the ark of God upon a new cart, and brought it out of the house of Abinadab that was in Gibeah: and Uzzah and Ahio, the sons of Abinadab, drave the new cart.
   ⁴And they brought it out of the house of Abinadab which was at Gibeah, accompanying the ark of God: and Ahio went before the ark.
   ⁵And David and all the house of Israel played before the LORD on all manner of instruments made of fir wood, even on harps, and on psalteries, and on timbrels, and on cornets, and on cymbals.
   ⁶And when they came to Nachon's threshingfloor, Uzzah put forth his hand to the ark of God, and took hold of it; for the oxen shook it.
   ⁷And the anger of the LORD was kindled against Uzzah; and God smote him there for his error; and there he died by the ark of God.

Anger of de lard.....No. Just stored electricity...Physics not meta-physics.
 
   ⁸And David was displeased, because the LORD had made a breach upon Uzzah: and he called the name of the place Perezuzzah to this day.
   ⁹And David was afraid of the LORD that day, and said, How shall the ark of the LORD come to me?
   ¹⁰So David would not remove the ark of the LORD unto him into the city of David: but David carried it aside into the house of Obededom the Gittite.

Obededom the Gittite? whose writing this, Douglas Adams or Spike Milligan?
 
   ¹¹And the ark of the LORD continued in the house of Obededom the Gittite three months: and the LORD blessed Obededom, and all his household.

If it was wired up correctly it could be most beneficial.
 
   ¹²And it was told king David, saying, The LORD hath blessed the house of Obededom, and all that pertaineth unto him, because of the ark of God. So David went and brought up the ark of God from the house of Obededom into the city of David with gladness.

It's no good, now I am having a Homer Simpson moment..."#Obededom,# Obededom,# Obedee dom,#Dom, "

   ¹³And it was so, that when they that bare the ark of the LORD had gone six paces, he sacrificed oxen and fatlings.

#Obededom,# Obededom,#  Maybe not that tuneful but now it's there I can't get it out of my head.
Knew I knew it. Black Sabbath.. Children of the grave

   ¹⁴And David danced before the LORD with all his might; and David was girded with a linen ephod.

Just the apron?
I suppose the rest of the french maids outfit hadn't been invented yet. Then again that was supposed to be true of the leyden jar.
 
   ¹⁵So David and all the house of Israel brought up the ark of the LORD with shouting, and with the sound of the trumpet.

And yet no walls fell down!!
 
   ¹⁶And as the ark of the LORD came into the city of David, Michal Saul's daughter looked through a window, and saw king David leaping and dancing before the LORD; and she despised him in her heart.

I wouldn't want him, or any man in my heart. It wouyld be fucking uncomfortable. I can think of two or three far better places to put a man.
 
   ¹⁷And they brought in the ark of the LORD, and set it in his place, in the midst of the tabernacle that David had pitched for it: and David offered burnt offerings and peace offerings before the LORD.

Peace offerings, you gotta laugh............and the next war begins in 10....9......

   ¹⁸And as soon as David had made an end of offering burnt offerings and peace offerings, he blessed the people in the name of the LORD of hosts.
   ¹⁹And he dealt among all the people, even among the whole multitude of Israel, as well to the women as men, to every one a cake of bread, and a good piece of flesh, and a flagon of wine. So all the people departed every one to his house.

Fuck me! They never mentioned that in sunday school. 
As well as being a raving homosexuel David was a drug dealer and a pimp.

 
   ²⁰Then David returned to bless his household. And Michal the daughter of Saul came out to meet David, and said, How glorious was the king of Israel to day, who uncovered himself to day in the eyes of the handmaids of his servants, as one of the vain fellows shamelessly uncovereth himself!

I thought nakedness was a no no since noah got pissed(drunk for you americans) Not to mention fig leaves and Eden.
   ²¹And David said unto Michal, It was before the LORD, which chose me before thy father, and before all his house, to appoint me ruler over the people of the LORD, over Israel: therefore will I play before the LORD.
   ²²And I will yet be more vile than thus, and will be base in mine own sight: and of the maidservants which thou hast spoken of, of them shall I be had in honour.
   ²³Therefore Michal the daughter of Saul had no child unto the day of her death.

Now did she not concieve because
a] Handmaids
b]Hand 
c] He turned her over and pretended she was her brother