1 Samuel 24

   ¹And it came to pass, when Saul was returned from following the Philistines, that it was told him, saying, Behold, David is in the wilderness of Engedi.

   ²Then Saul took three thousand chosen men out of all Israel, and went to seek David and his men upon the rocks of the wild goats.
   ³And he came to the sheepcotes by the way, where was a cave; and Saul went in to cover his feet: and David and his men remained in the sides of the cave.

If youy can't be bothered to click on the link "cover his feet" means going for a crap. You would have thought someone of his station would have been more careful.

   ⁴And the men of David said unto him, Behold the day of which the LORD said unto thee, Behold, I will deliver thine enemy into thine hand, that thou mayest do to him as it shall seem good unto thee. Then David arose, and cut off the skirt of Saul's robe privily.
   ⁵And it came to pass afterward, that David's heart smote him, because he had cut off Saul's skirt.
   ⁶And he said unto his men, The LORD forbid that I should do this thing unto my master, the LORD's anointed, to stretch forth mine hand against him, seeing he is the anointed of the LORD.
   ⁷So David stayed his servants with these words, and suffered them not to rise against Saul. But Saul rose up out of the cave, and went on his way.
   ⁸David also arose afterward, and went out of the cave, and cried after Saul, saying, My lord the king. And when Saul looked behind him, David stooped with his face to the earth, and bowed himself. 
   ⁹And David said to Saul, Wherefore hearest thou men's words, saying, Behold, David seeketh thy hurt?
   ¹⁰Behold, this day thine eyes have seen how that the LORD had delivered thee to day into mine hand in the cave: and some bade me kill thee: but mine eye spared thee; and I said, I will not put forth mine hand against my lord; for he is the LORD's anointed.
   ¹¹Moreover, my father, see, yea, see the skirt of thy robe in my hand: for in that I cut off the skirt of thy robe, and killed thee not, know thou and see that there is neither evil nor transgression in mine hand, and I have not sinned against thee; yet thou huntest my soul to take it.

I was wondering why David was close enough to Saul to quite literally smell him, and only cuts a bit of his skirt? I was thinking what did he do with it. The only use I could think of was to pass it to Saul so he could wipe his arse.

   ¹²The LORD judge between me and thee, and the LORD avenge me of thee: but mine hand shall not be upon thee.
   ¹³As saith the proverb of the ancients, Wickedness proceedeth from the wicked: but mine hand shall not be upon thee.
   ¹⁴After whom is the king of Israel come out? after whom dost thou pursue? after a dead dog, after a flea.
   ¹⁵The LORD therefore be judge, and judge between me and thee, and see, and plead my cause, and deliver me out of thine hand.
   ¹⁶And it came to pass, when David had made an end of speaking these words unto Saul, that Saul said, Is this thy voice, my son David? And Saul lifted up his voice, and wept.
   ¹⁷And he said to David, Thou art more righteous than I: for thou hast rewarded me good, whereas I have rewarded thee evil.
   ¹⁸And thou hast shewed this day how that thou hast dealt well with me: forasmuch as when the LORD had delivered me into thine hand, thou killedst me not.
   ¹⁹For if a man find his enemy, will he let him go well away? wherefore the LORD reward thee good for that thou hast done unto me this day.
   ²⁰And now, behold, I know well that thou shalt surely be king, and that the kingdom of Israel shall be established in thine hand.
   ²¹Swear now therefore unto me by the LORD, that thou wilt not cut off my seed after me, and that thou wilt not destroy my name out of my father's house.
   ²²And David sware unto Saul. And Saul went home; but David and his men gat them up unto the hold.

Smooth talkin bastard. Still smells like bullshit to me but it may just have been Sauls feet.

1 Samuel 23

s   ¹Then they told David, saying, Behold, the Philistines fight against Keilah, and they rob the threshingfloors.

Would "They". Have been so ready to complain if they behaved like the Israelites and "killed every living thing, instead of the sweepings off the threshing floors?

   ²Therefore David enquired of the LORD, saying, Shall I go and smite these Philistines? And the LORD said unto David, Go, and smite the Philistines, and save Keilah.

So, here we are not two chapters away from David losing the plot and surprise surprise David is not only talking to de lard but hearing his replies too. It continually amazes me, that, as the most studied book in the world, the so called learned scolars have missed so much. So many things attributed to the power and wisdom of de lard and yet so many of his "leader's" are suffering from obvious and acute  delusions.

   ³And David's men said unto him, Behold, we be afraid here in Judah: how much more then if we come to Keilah against the armies of the Philistines?

   ⁴Then David enquired of the LORD yet again. And the LORD answered him and said, Arise, go down to Keilah; for I will deliver the Philistines into thine hand.


   ⁵So David and his men went to Keilah, and fought with the Philistines, and brought away their cattle, and smote them with a great slaughter. So David saved the inhabitants of Keilah.


   ⁶And it came to pass, when Abiathar the son of Ahimelech fled to David to Keilah, that he came down with an ephod in his hand.


   ⁷And it was told Saul that David was come to Keilah. And Saul said, God hath delivered him into mine hand; for he is shut in, by entering into a town that hath gates and bars

Saul thinks god is with him, David thinks god is on his side.  I think at least one of these nutjobs believers is mistaken.

  ⁸And Saul called all the people together to war, to go down to Keilah, to besiege David and his men.


   ⁹And David knew that Saul secretly practised mischief against him; and he said to Abiathar the priest, Bring hither the ephod.

"secretly practised mischief" Is this meaning the public demand for the death of David or has Saul developed a crush on his son's lover?
   ¹⁰Then said David, O LORD God of Israel, thy servant hath certainly heard that Saul seeketh to come to Keilah, to destroy the city for my sake

Hmm unless it is sexual desire I think the secret is out.
 .
   ¹¹Will the men of Keilah deliver me up into his hand? will Saul come down, as thy servant hath heard? O LORD God of Israel, I beseech thee, tell thy servant. And the LORD said, He will come down.

   ¹²Then said David, Will the men of Keilah deliver me and my men into the hand of Saul? And the LORD said, They will deliver thee up.

So is de lard on David's side as he thinks? Maybe after all he has just pointed out that the people of Keilah are true Israelites and true to thier heritage, cannot be trusted, even when owing a huge debt. 

   ¹³Then David and his men, which were about six hundred, arose and departed out of Keilah, and went whithersoever they could go. 

Hang on....


....David and his "troops"m have just fought a bloody battle with the philistines and yet instead of showing losses his army has now increased by 50%. Ah well if you can put lipstick on a pig I suppose you can dress cows in armour.

And it was told Saul that David was escaped from Keilah; and he forbare to go forth.
   ¹⁴And David abode in the wilderness in strong holds, and remained in a mountain in the wilderness of Ziph. And Saul sought him every day, but God delivered him not into his hand.

Of course that explains Davids madness he has caught Ziph  ilous.
Sorry about that.
 
   ¹⁵And David saw that Saul was come out to seek his life: and David was in the wilderness of Ziph in a wood.
   ¹⁶And Jonathan Saul's son arose, and went to David into the wood, and strengthened his hand in God.

As soon as those two get together its sex sex sex.
 
   ¹⁷And he said unto him, Fear not: for the hand of Saul my father shall not find thee; and thou shalt be king over Israel, and I shall be next unto thee; and that also Saul my father knoweth.
   ¹⁸And they two made a covenant before the LORD: and David abode in the wood, and Jonathan went to his house.

Fuck they have turned into Robin Hood and Maid Marion
 

   ¹⁹Then came up the Ziphites to Saul to Gibeah, saying, Doth not David hide himself with us in strong holds in the wood, in the hill of Hachilah, which is on the south of Jeshimon?
   ²⁰Now therefore, O king, come down according to all the desire of thy soul to come down; and our part shall be to deliver him into the king's hand.
   ²¹And Saul said, Blessed be ye of the LORD; for ye have compassion on me

The belief Saul and David have that de lard will see them right because they believe in him, is a prime example that belief achieves nothing..


   ²²Go, I pray you, prepare yet, and know and see his place where his haunt is, and who hath seen him there: for it is told me that he dealeth very subtilly.
   ²³See therefore, and take knowledge of all the lurking places where he hideth himself, and come ye again to me with the certainty, and I will go with you: and it shall come to pass, if he be in the land, that I will search him out throughout all the thousands of Judah.
   ²⁴And they arose, and went to Ziph before Saul: but David and his men were in the wilderness of Maon, in the plain on the south of Jeshimon.
   ²⁵Saul also and his men went to seek him. And they told David; wherefore he came down into a rock, and abode in the wilderness of Maon. And when Saul heard that, he pursued after David in the wilderness of Maon.
   ²⁶And Saul went on this side of the mountain, and David and his men on that side of the mountain: and David made haste to get away for fear of Saul; for Saul and his men compassed David and his men round about to take them.
   ²⁷But there came a messenger unto Saul, saying, Haste thee, and come; for the Philistines have invaded the land.

I was thinking it was unwise to be involved in petty local squabbles when the Philistines were knocking at the door.
   ²⁸Wherefore Saul returned from pursuing after David, and went against the Philistines: therefore they called that place Selahammahlekoth.
   ²⁹And David went up from thence, and dwelt in strong holds at Engedi.

1 Samuel 22

This would have been posted almost two weeks ago, but I could not get on to my site. All seems ok now.

   ¹David therefore departed thence, and escaped to the cave Adullam: and when his brethren and all his father's house heard it, they went down thither to him.

So has David shat himself and run away, or was it was a cunning plan? Knowing the traditional behaviour of his people I must confess I really don't know. It could be either.

   ²And every one that was in distress, and every one that was in debt, and every one that was discontented, gathered themselves unto him; and he became a captain over them: and there were with him about four hundred men.

I can feel his pride over the centuries, David ,Captain of the malcontents.

   ³And David went thence to Mizpeh of Moab: and he said unto the king of Moab, Let my father and my mother, I pray thee, come forth, and be with you, till I know what God will do for me.

   ⁴And he brought them before the king of Moab: and they dwelt with him all the while that David was in the hold.

   ⁵And the prophet Gad said unto David, Abide not in the hold; depart, and get thee into the land of Judah. Then David departed, and came into the forest of Hareth.

   ⁶When Saul heard that David was discovered, and the men that were with him, (now Saul abode in Gibeah under a tree in Ramah, having his spear in his hand, and all his servants were standing about him;)

I can't help it, all I see is gay innuendo

   ⁷Then Saul said unto his servants that stood about him, Hear now, ye Benjamites; will the son of Jesse give every one of you fields and vineyards, and make you all captains of thousands, and captains of hundreds;

   ⁸That all of you have conspired against me, and there is none that sheweth me that my son hath made a league with the son of Jesse, and there is none of you that is sorry for me, or sheweth unto me that my son hath stirred up my servant against me, to lie in wait, as at this day?

   ⁹Then answered Doeg the Edomite, which was set over the servants of Saul, and said, I saw the son of Jesse coming to Nob, to Ahimelech the son of Ahitub.

Just as I read that a fly crawled over the word "to".......innuendo

   ¹⁰And he enquired of the LORD for him, and gave him victuals, and gave him the sword of Goliath the Philistine.

I have recently been accused of just mocking the bible...this mocks itself.

   ¹¹Then the king sent to call Ahimelech the priest, the son of Ahitub, and all his father's house, the priests that were in Nob: and they came all of them to the king.

Talk about LMAO.  Iam crying here...fuck it hurts.

   ¹²And Saul said, Hear now, thou son of Ahitub. And he answered, Here I am, my lord.

   ¹³And Saul said unto him, Why have ye conspired against me, thou and the son of Jesse, in that thou hast given him bread, and a sword, and hast enquired of God for him, that he should rise against me, to lie in wait, as at this day?

I need to pull myself together I just read "bread" as "head".

   ¹⁴Then Ahimelech answered the king, and said, And who is so faithful among all thy servants as David, which is the king's son in law, and goeth at thy bidding, and is honourable in thine house?

   ¹⁵Did I then begin to enquire of God for him? be it far from me: let not the king impute any thing unto his servant, nor to all the house of my father: for thy servant knew nothing of all this, less or more.
   ¹⁶And the king said, Thou shalt surely die, Ahimelech, thou, and all thy father's house.

   ¹⁷And the king said unto the footmen that stood about him, Turn, and slay the priests of the LORD: because their hand also is with David, and because they knew when he fled, and did not shew it to me. But the servants of the king would not put forth their hand to fall upon the priests of the LORD.

   ¹⁸And the king said to Doeg, Turn thou, and fall upon the priests. And Doeg the Edomite turned, and he fell upon the priests, and slew on that day fourscore and five persons that did wear a linen ephod.

So the magical apron of delard offered as much protection as I expected.

   ¹⁹And Nob, the city of the priests, smote he with the edge of the sword, both men and women, children and sucklings, and oxen, and asses, and sheep, with the edge of the sword.

Yes! there is nothing like a massacre of a whole city for gaining support.

   ²⁰And one of the sons of Ahimelech the son of Ahitub, named Abiathar, escaped, and fled after David.
   ²¹And Abiathar shewed David that Saul had slain the LORD's priests.

   ²²And David said unto Abiathar, I knew it that day, when Doeg the Edomite was there, that he would surely tell Saul: I have occasioned the death of all the persons of thy father's house.

   ²³Abide thou with me, fear not: for he that seeketh my life seeketh thy life: but with me thou shalt be in safeguard.

So David has about four hundred men(401) and expects to be victorious over an army that has just laid waste to a city.....

1 Samuel 21

 ¹Then came David to Nob to Ahimelech the priest: and Ahimelech was afraid at the meeting of David, and said unto him, Why art thou alone, and no man with thee? 

 I shall resist all the Nob jokes that flooded my mind

 

 ²And David said unto Ahimelech the priest, The king hath commanded me a business, and hath said unto me, Let no man know any thing of the business whereabout I send thee, and what I have commanded thee: and I have appointed my servants to such and such a place.

 ³Now therefore what is under thine hand? give me five loaves of bread in mine hand, or what there is present. 

 

 ⁴And the priest answered David, and said, There is no common bread under mine hand, but there is hallowed bread; if the young men have kept themselves at least from women.

 So hallowed bread is ok " if the young men have kept themselves at least from women. " implying not keeping themselves from men is Ok!

 ⁵And David answered the priest, and said unto him, Of a truth women have been kept from us about these three days, since I came out, and the vessels of the young men are holy, and the bread is in a manner common, yea, though it were sanctified this day in the vessel. 

The N I V. has no mention of three days

5 David replied, “Indeed women have been kept from us, as usual whenever[ b] I set out. The men’s bodies are holy even on missions that are not holy. How much more so today!” 6 So the priest gave him the consecrated bread, since there was no bread there except the bread of the Presence that had been removed from before the LORD and replaced by hot bread on the day it was taken away. 

  ⁶So the priest gave him hallowed bread: for there was no bread there but the shewbread, that was taken from before the LORD, to put hot bread in the day when it was taken away. 

Again more than a subtle implication David and his men kept away from women.

 ⁷Now a certain man of the servants of Saul was there that day, detained before the LORD; and his name was Doeg, an Edomite, the chiefest of the herdmen that belonged to Saul. 

 ⁸And David said unto Ahimelech, And is there not here under thine hand spear or sword? for I have neither brought my sword nor my weapons with me, because the king's business required haste.

So what does Doeg have to do with anything?  Perhaps he is just a"previously unknown member of the cast"?

 ⁹And the priest said, The sword of Goliath the Philistine, whom thou slewest in the valley of Elah, behold, it is here wrapped in a cloth behind the ephod: if thou wilt take that, take it: for there is no other save that here. And David said, There is none like that; give it me. 

 ¹⁰And David arose and fled that day for fear of Saul, and went to Achish the king of Gath. 

 ¹¹And the servants of Achish said unto him, Is not this David the king of the land? did they not sing one to another of him in dances, saying, Saul hath slain his thousands, and David his ten thousands? 

 ¹²And David laid up these words in his heart, and was sore afraid of Achish the king of Gath.

David the "king", the man with de lard at his side is afraid.........

 ¹³And he changed his behaviour before them, and feigned himself mad in their hands, and scrabbled on the doors of the gate, and let his spittle fall down upon his beard.

Seems he was terrified, so terrified he appeared irrational.

 ¹⁴Then said Achish unto his servants, Lo, ye see the man is mad: wherefore then have ye brought him to me? 

 ¹⁵Have I need of mad men, that ye have brought this fellow to play the mad man in my presence? shall this fellow come into my house?

1 Samuel 20

 ¹And David fled from Naioth in Ramah, and came and said before Jonathan, What have I done? what is mine iniquity? and what is my sin before thy father, that he seeketh my life?
 ²And he said unto him, God forbid; thou shalt not die: behold, my father will do nothing either great or small, but that he will shew it me: and why should my father hide this thing from me? it is not so.
 ³And David sware moreover, and said, Thy father certainly knoweth that I have found grace in thine eyes; and he saith, Let not Jonathan know this, lest he be grieved: but truly as the LORD liveth, and as thy soul liveth, there is but a step between me and death.

Let us look again at the reasons for Sauls hatred of David. I think it must be more than just jealousy. Let us cast our minds back to the relationship between Samuel and Saul, a relationship that obviously had a physical factor. Was it an abusive relationship ? Does Saul feel guilty and ashamed of the physical relationship that he had, and can see the love between Johnathan and David ? Is it that he wishes to protect Johnathan from the shame that he feels?

 ⁴Then said Jonathan unto David, Whatsoever thy soul desireth, I will even do it for thee.

 ⁵And David said unto Jonathan, Behold, to morrow is the new moon, and I should not fail to sit with the king at meat: but let me go, that I may hide myself in the field unto the third day at even.

Passing thought........Gone for three days then to return...........Reminds me of something!!
 
 ⁶If thy father at all miss me, then say, David earnestly asked leave of me that he might run to Bethlehem his city: for there is a yearly sacrifice there for all the family.

Bethlehem Hmmm!
 
 ⁷If he say thus, It is well; thy servant shall have peace: but if he be very wroth, then be sure that evil is determined by him.
 ⁸Therefore thou shalt deal kindly with thy servant; for thou hast brought thy servant into a covenant of the LORD with thee: notwithstanding, if there be in me iniquity, slay me thyself; for why shouldest thou bring me to thy father?
 ⁹And Jonathan said, Far be it from thee: for if I knew certainly that evil were determined by my father to come upon thee, then would not I tell it thee?
 ¹⁰Then said David to Jonathan, Who shall tell me? or what if thy father answer thee roughly?
 ¹¹And Jonathan said unto David, Come, and let us go out into the field. And they went out both of them into the field.
 ¹²And Jonathan said unto David, O LORD God of Israel, when I have sounded my father about to morrow any time, or the third day, and, behold, if there be good toward David, and I then send not unto thee, and shew it thee;
 ¹³The LORD do so and much more to Jonathan: but if it please my father to do thee evil, then I will shew it thee, and send thee away, that thou mayest go in peace: and the LORD be with thee, as he hath been with my father.
 ¹⁴And thou shalt not only while yet I live shew me the kindness of the LORD, that I die not:
 ¹⁵But also thou shalt not cut off thy kindness from my house for ever: no, not when the LORD hath cut off the enemies of David every one from the face of the earth.
 ¹⁶So Jonathan made a covenant with the house of David, saying, Let the LORD even require it at the hand of David's enemies.
 ¹⁷And Jonathan caused David to swear again, because he loved him: for he loved him as he loved his own soul.
 ¹⁸Then Jonathan said to David, To morrow is the new moon: and thou shalt be missed, because thy seat will be empty.
 ¹⁹And when thou hast stayed three days, then thou shalt go down quickly, and come to the place where thou didst hide thyself when the business was in hand, and shalt remain by the stone Ezel.
 ²⁰And I will shoot three arrows on the side thereof, as though I shot at a mark.
 ²¹And, behold, I will send a lad, saying, Go, find out the arrows. If I expressly say unto the lad, Behold, the arrows are on this side of thee, take them; then come thou: for there is peace to thee, and no hurt; as the LORD liveth.
 ²²But if I say thus unto the young man, Behold, the arrows are beyond thee; go thy way: for the LORD hath sent thee away.
 ²³And as touching the matter which thou and I have spoken of, behold, the LORD be between thee and me for ever.
 ²⁴So David hid himself in the field: and when the new moon was come, the king sat him down to eat meat.
 ²⁵And the king sat upon his seat, as at other times, even upon a seat by the wall: and Jonathan arose, and Abner sat by Saul's side, and David's place was empty.
 ²⁶Nevertheless Saul spake not any thing that day: for he thought, Something hath befallen him, he is not clean; surely he is not clean.
 ²⁷And it came to pass on the morrow, which was the second day of the month, that David's place was empty: and Saul said unto Jonathan his son, Wherefore cometh not the son of Jesse to meat, neither yesterday, nor to day?
 ²⁸And Jonathan answered Saul, David earnestly asked leave of me to go to Bethlehem:
 ²⁹And he said, Let me go, I pray thee; for our family hath a sacrifice in the city; and my brother, he hath commanded me to be there: and now, if I have found favour in thine eyes, let me get away, I pray thee, and see my brethren. Therefore he cometh not unto the king's table.
 ³⁰Then Saul's anger was kindled against Jonathan, and he said unto him, Thou son of the perverse rebellious woman, do not I know that thou hast chosen the son of Jesse to thine own confusion, and unto the confusion of thy mother's nakedness?

Just blame the mother it must be her fault. After all Hebrew women were renowned for their outspoken and forthright ways!!!?

Confused?, Never Confused.
 
 ³¹For as long as the son of Jesse liveth upon the ground, thou shalt not be established, nor thy kingdom. Wherefore now send and fetch him unto me, for he shall surely die.
 ³²And Jonathan answered Saul his father, and said unto him, Wherefore shall he be slain? what hath he done?
 ³³And Saul cast a javelin at him to smite him: whereby Jonathan knew that it was determined of his father to slay David.
 ³⁴So Jonathan arose from the table in fierce anger, and did eat no meat the second day of the month: for he was grieved for David, because his father had done him shame.
 ³⁵And it came to pass in the morning, that Jonathan went out into the field at the time appointed with David, and a little lad with him.
 ³⁶And he said unto his lad, Run, find out now the arrows which I shoot. And as the lad ran, he shot an arrow beyond him.
 ³⁷And when the lad was come to the place of the arrow which Jonathan had shot, Jonathan cried after the lad, and said, Is not the arrow beyond thee?
 ³⁸And Jonathan cried after the lad, Make speed, haste, stay not. And Jonathan's lad gathered up the arrows, and came to his master.
 ³⁹But the lad knew not any thing: only Jonathan and David knew the matter.
 ⁴⁰And Jonathan gave his artillery unto his lad, and said unto him, Go, carry them to the city.
 ⁴¹And as soon as the lad was gone, David arose out of a place toward the south, and fell on his face to the ground, and bowed himself three times: and they kissed one another, and wept one with another, until David exceeded. 

Ejaculated?
 
 ⁴²And Jonathan said to David, Go in peace, forasmuch as we have sworn both of us in the name of the LORD, saying, The LORD be between me and thee, and between my seed and thy seed for ever. And he arose and departed: and Jonathan went into the city.

Seems to blow this idea that de lard hates fags bullshit, right out of the water.