Deuteronomy 15

¹At the end of every seven years thou shalt make a release.

Do I sense the tone is about to be lowered

²And this is the manner of the release: Every creditor that lendeth ought unto his neighbour shall release it; he shall not exact it of his neighbour, or of his brother; because it is called the LORD's release.

Oh! Oh! Oh! G g ggod Yesss

³Of a foreigner thou mayest exact it again: but that which is thine with thy brother thine hand shall release;

Aaww noooo...... Not with your Brother....... That's just wrong

⁴Save when there shall be no poor among you; for the LORD shall greatly bless thee in the land which the LORD thy God giveth thee for an inheritance to possess it:

⁵Only if thou carefully hearken unto the voice of the LORD thy God, to observe to do all these commandments which I command thee this day.

⁶For the LORD thy God blesseth thee, as he promised thee: and thou shalt lend unto many nations, but thou shalt not borrow; and thou shalt reign over many nations, but they shall not reign over thee.

⁷If there be among you a poor man of one of thy brethren within any of thy gates in thy land which the LORD thy God giveth thee, thou shalt not harden thine heart, nor shut thine hand from thy poor brother:

⁸But thou shalt open thine hand wide unto him, and shalt surely lend him sufficient for his need, in that which he wanteth.

How the fuck does that work ? If Jews are forbidden to borrow, how can another Jew lend him anything

⁹Beware that there be not a thought in thy wicked heart, saying, The seventh year, the year of release, is at hand; and thine eye be evil against thy poor brother, and thou givest him nought; and he cry unto the LORD against thee, and it be sin unto thee.

Chalk another one up for de lards biology lessons

¹⁰Thou shalt surely give him, and thine heart shall not be grieved when thou givest unto him: because that for this thing the LORD thy God shall bless thee in all thy works, and in all that thou puttest thine hand unto.

¹¹For the poor shall never cease out of the land: therefore I command thee, saying, Thou shalt open thine hand wide unto thy brother, to thy poor, and to thy needy, in thy land.

¹²And if thy brother, an Hebrew man, or an Hebrew woman, be sold unto thee, and serve thee six years; then in the seventh year thou shalt let him go free from thee.

Your brother can be a Hebrew woman ?

Would that make them a T brew ?

¹³And when thou sendest him out free from thee, thou shalt not let him go away empty:

Pardon !!?? Freshly fisted for de lard.

¹⁴Thou shalt furnish him liberally out of thy flock, and out of thy floor, and out of thy winepress: of that wherewith the LORD thy God hath blessed thee thou shalt give unto him.

¹⁵And thou shalt remember that thou wast a bondman in the land of Egypt, and the LORD thy God redeemed thee: therefore I command thee this thing to day.

¹⁶And it shall be, if he say unto thee, I will not go away from thee; because he loveth thee and thine house, because he is well with thee;

¹⁷Then thou shalt take an aul, and thrust it through his ear unto the door, and he shall be thy servant for ever. And also unto thy maidservant thou shalt do likewise.

Seems like a form of marriage to me. Love is proclaimed and officially bonded for life ?

¹⁸It shall not seem hard unto thee, when thou sendest him away free from thee; for he hath been worth a double hired servant to thee, in serving thee six years: and the LORD thy God shall bless thee in all that thou doest.

¹⁹All the firstling males that come of thy herd and of thy flock thou shalt sanctify unto the LORD thy God: thou shalt do no work with the firstling of thy bullock, nor shear the firstling of thy sheep.

A bullock is a castrated bull therefore not unblemished.

²⁰Thou shalt eat it before the LORD thy God year by year in the place which the LORD shall choose, thou and thy household.

²¹And if there be any blemish therein, as if it be lame, or blind, or have any ill blemish, thou shalt not sacrifice it unto the LORD thy God.

This only just occurred. How can you sacrifice an unblemished animal to de lard....Surely a fucking great gash in a beasts throat is a blemish ?

²²Thou shalt eat it within thy gates: the unclean and the clean person shall eat it alike, as the roebuck, and as the hart.

²³Only thou shalt not eat the blood thereof; thou shalt pour it upon the ground as water.

Deuteronomy 14

¹Ye are the children of the LORD your God: ye shall not cut yourselves, nor make any baldness between your eyes for the dead.

²For thou art an holy people unto the LORD thy God, and the LORD hath chosen thee to be a peculiar people unto himself, above all the nations that are upon the earth.

³Thou shalt not eat any abominable thing.

Does that mean snowmen, or the Mother In Laws cooking ?

⁴These are the beasts which ye shall eat: the ox, the sheep, and the goat,

⁵The hart, and the roebuck, and the fallow deer, and the wild goat, and the pygarg, and the wild ox, and the chamois.

What the fuck is a pygarg

? I looked it up and it's definitely an antelope, or an eagle, or a rabbit, or perhaps one of these four legged birds or insects we have been told about.To be honest nobody is sure so it must have tasted real good as there are none left

⁶And every beast that parteth the hoof, and cleaveth the cleft into two claws, and cheweth the cud among the beasts, that ye shall eat.

⁷Nevertheless these ye shall not eat of them that chew the cud, or of them that divide the cloven hoof; as the camel, and the hare, and the coney: for they chew the cud, but divide not the hoof; therefore they are unclean unto you.

⁸And the swine, because it divideth the hoof, yet cheweth not the cud, it is unclean unto you: ye shall not eat of their flesh, nor touch their dead carcase.

But ...but... but...they taste soooo good.

No really, you can keep your ambrosia the real food of the gods is pork and bacon.

⁹These ye shall eat of all that are in the waters: all that have fins and scales shall ye eat:

¹⁰And whatsoever hath not fins and scales ye may not eat; it is unclean unto you.

¹¹Of all clean birds ye shall eat.

¹²But these are they of which ye shall not eat: the eagle, and the ossifrage, and the ospray,

¹³And the glede, and the kite, and the vulture after his kind,

¹⁴And every raven after his kind,

¹⁵And the owl, and the night hawk, and the cuckow, and the hawk after his kind,

¹⁶The little owl, and the great owl, and the swan,

¹⁷And the pelican, and the gier eagle, and the cormorant,

¹⁸And the stork, and the heron after her kind, and the lapwing, and the bat.

The bat! fuck me am I stupid ?There was me thinking it was a mammal

¹⁹And every creeping thing that flieth is unclean unto you: they shall not be eaten.

You try riding a motorcycle and not eating the odd flying creeping thing. It happens, you can't help it, but come those balmy summer nights and autumn evenings I could keep a large family of bats healthy on the amount of flying insects I must digest. I don't even notice the taste half the time. The consistency however, is another matter.

²⁰But of all clean fowls ye may eat.

Are there any left ?

²¹Ye shall not eat of anything that dieth of itself: thou shalt give it unto the stranger that is in thy gates, that he may eat it; or thou mayest sell it unto an alien: for thou art an holy people unto the LORD thy God. Thou shalt not seethe a kid in his mother's milk.

He does go on about this, I must admit I have never eaten a kid boiled in milk but if I did I would make sure I milked it's mother personally.

²²Thou shalt truly tithe all the increase of thy seed, that the field bringeth forth year by year.

What ? de lard wants 10% of the wet spot when you and your lover have finished.

²³And thou shalt eat before the LORD thy God, in the place which he shall choose to place his name there, the tithe of thy corn, of thy wine, and of thine oil, and the firstlings of thy herds and of thy flocks; that thou mayest learn to fear the LORD thy God always.

You try having a picnic halfway through a service, especially if you do your grovelling at one of the mega churches with thier gun toting ushers.

²⁴And if the way be too long for thee, so that thou art not able to carry it; or if the place be too far from thee, which the LORD thy God shall choose to set his name there, when the LORD thy God hath blessed thee:

²⁵Then shalt thou turn it into money, and bind up the money in thine hand, and shalt go unto the place which the LORD thy God shall choose:

Yea verily !de lard he has chosen your local preachers back pocket.

Fuck me you read lines like this and think how can people be this fucking stupid ?

²⁶And thou shalt bestow that money for whatsoever thy soul lusteth after, for oxen, or for sheep, or for wine, or for strong drink, or for whatsoever thy soul desireth: and thou shalt eat there before the LORD thy God, and thou shalt rejoice, thou, and thine household,

²⁷And the Levite that is within thy gates; thou shalt not forsake him; for he hath no part nor inheritance with thee.

For levite substitute you local religious leader

²⁸At the end of three years thou shalt bring forth all the tithe of thine increase the same year, and shalt lay it up within thy gates:

²⁹And the Levite, (because he hath no part nor inheritance with thee,) and the stranger, and the fatherless, and the widow, which are within thy gates, shall come, and shall eat and be satisfied; that the LORD thy God may bless thee in all the work of thine hand which thou doest.

Deuteronomy 13

¹If there arise among you a prophet, or a dreamer of dreams, and giveth thee a sign or a wonder,

This sign of wonder nowadays mostly seems waving your hands in the air and spouting some meaningless gibberish.

²And the sign or the wonder come to pass, whereof he spake unto thee, saying, Let us go after other gods, which thou hast not known, and let us serve them;

The ESV has this

²and the sign or wonder that he tells you comes to pass, and if he says, 'Let us go after other gods,' which you have not known, 'and let us serve them,'

³Thou shalt not hearken unto the words of that prophet, or that dreamer of dreams: for the LORD your God proveth you, to know whether ye love the LORD your God with all your heart and with all your soul.

³you shall not listen to the words of that prophet or that dreamer of dreams. For the LORD your God is testing you, to know whether you love the LORD your God with all your heart and with all your soul.

⁴Ye shall walk after the LORD your God, and fear him, and keep his commandments, and obey his voice, and ye shall serve him, and cleave unto him.

⁴You shall walk after the LORD your God and fear him and keep his commandments and obey his voice, and you shall serve him and hold fast to him.

⁵And that prophet, or that dreamer of dreams, shall be put to death; because he hath spoken to turn you away from the LORD your God, which brought you out of the land of Egypt, and redeemed you out of the house of bondage, to thrust thee out of the way which the LORD thy God commanded thee to walk in. So shalt thou put the evil away from the midst of thee.

Now I hate to have to keep repeating myself but as I see it these fundamentalist belief is that god willed the universe including his own sometimes physical form into existence. de lard is by his own admission suffering from a severe case of jealousy, which must by definition stem from his own insecurities and self loathing. Which makes me think why does he blame mankind for being as he created them and why did he create his own body with the reproductive organs of a eunuch shrew

⁶If thy brother, the son of thy mother, or thy son, or thy daughter, or the wife of thy bosom, or thy friend, which is as thine own soul, entice thee secretly, saying, Let us go and serve other gods, which thou hast not known, thou, nor thy fathers;

⁷Namely, of the gods of the people which are round about you, nigh unto thee, or far off from thee, from the one end of the earth even unto the other end of the earth;

de lards omniscience again, how does a globe have ends ?

⁸Thou shalt not consent unto him, nor hearken unto him; neither shall thine eye pity him, neither shalt thou spare, neither shalt thou conceal him:

⁹But thou shalt surely kill him; thine hand shall be first upon him to put him to death, and afterwards the hand of all the people.

¹⁰And thou shalt stone him with stones, that he die; because he hath sought to thrust thee away from the LORD thy God, which brought thee out of the land of Egypt, from the house of bondage.

Hey, cool ,I'm gonna get stoned !

¹¹And all Israel shall hear, and fear, and shall do no more any such wickedness as this is among you.

Killing and maiming of innocent people children included is fine but don't you dare bow down to any other imaginary tyrant (does this not include the as yet future alleged messiah and all the other sons of god)

¹²If thou shalt hear say in one of thy cities, which the LORD thy God hath given thee to dwell there, saying,

¹³Certain men, the children of Belial, are gone out from among you, and have withdrawn the inhabitants of their city, saying, Let us go and serve other gods, which ye have not known;

¹⁴Then shalt thou enquire, and make search, and ask diligently; and, behold, if it be truth, and the thing certain, that such abomination is wrought among you;

¹⁵Thou shalt surely smite the inhabitants of that city with the edge of the sword, destroying it utterly, and all that is therein, and the cattle thereof, with the edge of the sword.

Is this not de lards omniscience again conspicuous by it's abscence. No mention of an air force, rocket launchers or fragmentation grenades.

¹⁶And thou shalt gather all the spoil of it into the midst of the street thereof, and shalt burn with fire the city, and all the spoil thereof every whit, for the LORD thy God: and it shall be an heap for ever; it shall not be built again.

¹⁷And there shall cleave nought of the cursed thing to thine hand: that the LORD may turn from the fierceness of his anger, and shew thee mercy, and have compassion upon thee, and multiply thee, as he hath sworn unto thy fathers;

de lards impotence showing here, why doesn't he do it himself ?

¹⁸When thou shalt hearken to the voice of the LORD thy God, to keep all his commandments which I command thee this day, to do that which is right in the eyes of the LORD thy God.

Deuteronomy 12

¹These are the statutes and judgments, which ye shall observe to do in the land, which the LORD God of thy fathers giveth thee to possess it, all the days that ye live upon the earth.

²Ye shall utterly destroy all the places, wherein the nations which ye shall possess served their gods, upon the high mountains, and upon the hills, and under every green tree:

³And ye shall overthrow their altars, and break their pillars, and burn their groves with fire; and ye shall hew down the graven images of their gods, and destroy the names of them out of that place.

Almost makes me want to go vandalise a church or synagogue

⁴Ye shall not do so unto the LORD your God.

Or at least have sex on the altar.

⁵But unto the place which the LORD your God shall choose out of all your tribes to put his name there, even unto his habitation shall ye seek, and thither thou shalt come:

⁶And thither ye shall bring your burnt offerings, and your sacrifices, and your tithes, and heave offerings of your hand, and your vows, and your freewill offerings, and the firstlings of your herds and of your flocks:

⁷And there ye shall eat before the LORD your God, and ye shall rejoice in all that ye put your hand unto, ye and your households, wherein the LORD thy God hath blessed thee.

⁸Ye shall not do after all the things that we do here this day, every man whatsoever is right in his own eyes.

⁹For ye are not as yet come to the rest and to the inheritance, which the LORD your God giveth you.

What ! This means the land they have already annexed they are not intending to keep. That makes the atrocities already committed in the name of de lard even worse. Fuck me although murder and rape are appalling crimes, you can see they possibly felt justified but to do that to entire populations just to borrow the land........Complete and utter cunt is not enough of an insult to throw at these contemptible bastards.

¹⁰But when ye go over Jordan, and dwell in the land which the LORD your God giveth you to inherit, and when he giveth you rest from all your enemies round about, so that ye dwell in safety;

Well they are still waiting for that one.

¹¹Then there shall be a place which the LORD your God shall choose to cause his name to dwell there; thither shall ye bring all that I command you; your burnt offerings, and your sacrifices, your tithes, and the heave offering of your hand, and all your choice vows which ye vow unto the LORD:

You would have thought with all the deaths in the cities ,that de lard would have been satisfied for a millennia or two.

¹²And ye shall rejoice before the LORD your God, ye, and your sons, and your daughters, and your menservants, and your maidservants, and the Levite that is within your gates; for as much as he hath no part nor inheritance with you.

¹³Take heed to thyself that thou offer not thy burnt offerings in every place that thou seest:

¹⁴But in the place which the LORD shall choose in one of thy tribes, there thou shalt offer thy burnt offerings, and there thou shalt do all that I command thee.

¹⁵Notwithstanding thou mayest kill and eat flesh in all thy gates, whatsoever thy soul lusteth after, according to the blessing of the LORD thy God which he hath given thee: the unclean and the clean may eat thereof, as of the roebuck, and as of the hart.

Cannibalism is OK then.

¹⁶Only ye shall not eat the blood; ye shall pour it upon the earth as water.

But no black pudding

¹⁷Thou mayest not eat within thy gates the tithe of thy corn, or of thy wine, or of thy oil, or the firstlings of thy herds or of thy flock, nor any of thy vows which thou vowest, nor thy freewill offerings, or heave offering of thine hand:

¹⁸But thou must eat them before the LORD thy God in the place which the LORD thy God shall choose, thou, and thy son, and thy daughter, and thy manservant, and thy maidservant, and the Levite that is within thy gates: and thou shalt rejoice before the LORD thy God in all that thou puttest thine hands unto.

¹⁹Take heed to thyself that thou forsake not the Levite as long as thou livest upon the earth.

Don't forget to nurse your parasites.

²⁰When the LORD thy God shall enlarge thy border, as he hath promised thee, and thou shalt say, I will eat flesh, because thy soul longeth to eat flesh; thou mayest eat flesh, whatsoever thy soul lusteth after.

²¹If the place which the LORD thy God hath chosen to put his name there be too far from thee, then thou shalt kill of thy herd and of thy flock, which the LORD hath given thee, as I have commanded thee, and thou shalt eat in thy gates whatsoever thy soul lusteth after.

²²Even as the roebuck and the hart is eaten, so thou shalt eat them: the unclean and the clean shall eat of them alike.

²³Only be sure that thou eat not the blood: for the blood is the life; and thou mayest not eat the life with the flesh.

²⁴Thou shalt not eat it; thou shalt pour it upon the earth as water.

I am struggling to get past this fact. de lard has no clue about how his creations work, time and time again he makes stupid assertions about his living creatures. Assertions which (here in England at least) your average child should be able to see the flaws before leaving junior school.

²⁵Thou shalt not eat it; that it may go well with thee, and with thy children after thee, when thou shalt do that which is right in the sight of the LORD.

²⁶Only thy holy things which thou hast, and thy vows, thou shalt take, and go unto the place which the LORD shall choose:

²⁷And thou shalt offer thy burnt offerings, the flesh and the blood, upon the altar of the LORD thy God: and the blood of thy sacrifices shall be poured out upon the altar of the LORD thy God, and thou shalt eat the flesh.

²⁸Observe and hear all these words which I command thee, that it may go well with thee, and with thy children after thee for ever, when thou doest that which is good and right in the sight of the LORD thy God.

²⁹When the LORD thy God shall cut off the nations from before thee, whither thou goest to possess them, and thou succeedest them, and dwellest in their land;

³⁰Take heed to thyself that thou be not snared by following them, after that they be destroyed from before thee; and that thou enquire not after their gods, saying, How did these nations serve their gods? even so will I do likewise.

³¹Thou shalt not do so unto the LORD thy God: for every abomination to the LORD, which he hateth, have they done unto their gods; for even their sons and their daughters they have burnt in the fire to their gods.

³²What thing soever I command you, observe to do it: thou shalt not add thereto, nor diminish from it.

Remember that when I get to the new testament.

Deuteronomy 11

¹Therefore thou shalt love the LORD thy God, and keep his charge, and his statutes, and his judgments, and his commandments, alway.

Because de lard is the epitome of love.

²And know ye this day: for I speak not with your children which have not known, and which have not seen the chastisement of the LORD your God, his greatness, his mighty hand, and his stretched out arm,

And de lard will smack the shit out of you if you don't shape up and grovel enough.

³And his miracles, and his acts, which he did in the midst of Egypt unto Pharaoh the king of Egypt, and unto all his land;

⁴And what he did unto the army of Egypt, unto their horses, and to their chariots; how he made the water of the Red sea to overflow them as they pursued after you, and how the LORD hath destroyed them unto this day;

And de lard will take the credit for natural disasters cos he loves beating his meat over pain and suffering.

⁵And what he did unto you in the wilderness, until ye came into this place;

⁶And what he did unto Dathan and Abiram, the sons of Eliab, the son of Reuben: how the earth opened her mouth, and swallowed them up, and their households, and their tents, and all the substance that was in their possession, in the midst of all Israel:

⁷But your eyes have seen all the great acts of the LORD which he did.

They were so impressed that huge portions of the community forgot and rebelled on semi regular basis.

⁸Therefore shall ye keep all the commandments which I command you this day, that ye may be strong, and go in and possess the land, whither ye go to possess it;

⁹And that ye may prolong your days in the land, which the LORD sware unto your fathers to give unto them and to their seed, a land that floweth with milk and honey.

¹⁰For the land, whither thou goest in to possess it, is not as the land of Egypt, from whence ye came out, where thou sowedst thy seed, and wateredst it with thy foot, as a garden of herbs:

de lards grasp on anatomy is as good as ever.

¹¹But the land, whither ye go to possess it, is a land of hills and valleys, and drinketh water of the rain of heaven:

¹²A land which the LORD thy God careth for: the eyes of the LORD thy God are always upon it, from the beginning of the year even unto the end of the year.

¹³And it shall come to pass, if ye shall hearken diligently unto my commandments which I command you this day, to love the LORD your God, and to serve him with all your heart and with all your soul,

¹⁴That I will give you the rain of your land in his due season, the first rain and the latter rain, that thou mayest gather in thy corn, and thy wine, and thine oil.

So if ever there is a lack of rainfall it is not the responsibility of de lard, but the fault of the Israelites for being naughty boys and girls.

¹⁵And I will send grass in thy fields for thy cattle, that thou mayest eat and be full.

¹⁶Take heed to yourselves, that your heart be not deceived, and ye turn aside, and serve other gods, and worship them;

Why do these "bible believing christians " never remember that the bible states many times there are other gods.

¹⁷And then the LORD's wrath be kindled against you, and he shut up the heaven, that there be no rain, and that the land yield not her fruit; and lest ye perish quickly from off the good land which the LORD giveth you.

Ah ! It's not pollution and CO2 emissions causing global warming, it's the Jewish people, not spending enough time with their burnt offerings. Funny I would have thought that would have added to the problem.

¹⁸Therefore shall ye lay up these my words in your heart and in your soul, and bind them for a sign upon your hand, that they may be as frontlets between your eyes.

Is de lard suggesting they have copies of the stone tablets dangling in front of their eyes? Or perhaps it's metaphorical and de lard wants them to imagine the words tattooed on his scrotum.

¹⁹And ye shall teach them your children, speaking of them when thou sittest in thine house, and when thou walkest by the way, when thou liest down, and when thou risest up.

And they say childhood isn't as good as it used to0 be.

²⁰And thou shalt write them upon the door posts of thine house, and upon thy gates:

²¹That your days may be multiplied, and the days of your children, in the land which the LORD sware unto your fathers to give them, as the days of heaven upon the earth.

²²For if ye shall diligently keep all these commandments which I command you, to do them, to love the LORD your God, to walk in all his ways, and to cleave unto him;

²³Then will the LORD drive out all these nations from before you, and ye shall possess greater nations and mightier than yourselves.

A line for Nazi conspiracy theorists

²⁴Every place whereon the soles of your feet shall tread shall be yours: from the wilderness and Lebanon, from the river, the river Euphrates, even unto the uttermost sea shall your coast be.

Does that mean de lard hates shoes, Has anyone told the Phelps ?

²⁵There shall no man be able to stand before you: for the LORD your God shall lay the fear of you and the dread of you upon all the land that ye shall tread upon, as he hath said unto you.

²⁶Behold, I set before you this day a blessing and a curse;

²⁷A blessing, if ye obey the commandments of the LORD your God, which I command you this day:

²⁸And a curse, if ye will not obey the commandments of the LORD your God, but turn aside out of the way which I command you this day, to go after other gods, which ye have not known.

Have we not been told of Free will surely the concept of free will goes out of the window when every aspect of your lives is governed by a tyrant.

²⁹And it shall come to pass, when the LORD thy God hath brought thee in unto the land whither thou goest to possess it, that thou shalt put the blessing upon mount Gerizim, and the curse upon mount Ebal.

³⁰Are they not on the other side Jordan, by the way where the sun goeth down, in the land of the Canaanites, which dwell in the champaign over against Gilgal, beside the plains of Moreh?

³¹For ye shall pass over Jordan to go in to possess the land which the LORD your God giveth you, and ye shall possess it, and dwell therein.

³²And ye shall observe to do all the statutes and judgments which I set before you this day.