2 Samuel 5

   ¹Then came all the tribes of Israel to David unto Hebron, and spake, saying, Behold, we are thy bone and thy flesh.
   ²Also in time past, when Saul was king over us, thou wast he that leddest out and broughtest in Israel: and the LORD said to thee, Thou shalt feed my people Israel, and thou shalt be a captain over Israel.
   ³So all the elders of Israel came to the king to Hebron; and king David made a league with them in Hebron before the LORD: and they anointed David king over Israel.
   ⁴David was thirty years old when he began to reign, and he reigned forty years.
   ⁵In Hebron he reigned over Judah seven years and six months: and in Jerusalem he reigned thirty and three years over all Israel and Judah.
   ⁶And the king and his men went to Jerusalem unto the Jebusites, the inhabitants of the land: which spake unto David, saying, Except thou take away the blind and the lame, thou shalt not come in hither: thinking, David cannot come in hither.

Hmm the NLT has this....

    ⁶ David then led his men to Jerusalem to fight against the Jebusites, the original inhabitants of the land who were living there. The Jebusites taunted David, saying, “You’ll never get in here! Even the blind and lame could keep you out!” For the Jebusites thought they were safe.

   ⁷Nevertheless David took the strong hold of Zion: the same is the city of David.
   ⁸And David said on that day, Whosoever getteth up to the gutter, and smiteth the Jebusites, and the lame and the blind that are hated of David's soul, he shall be chief and captain. Wherefore they said, The blind and the lame shall not come into the house. 

  ⁸ On the day of the attack, David said to his troops, “I hate those ‘lame’ and ‘blind’ Jebusites. Whoever attacks them should strike by going into the city through the water tunnel.^[c]” That is the origin of the saying, “The blind and the lame may not enter the house.”

Now, correct me if I am wrong. There is a certain unsubtle differences in these two translations.

I read the KJV as saying David hates the crippled and the blind and the NLT, as  Davids men insulting the Jebusites by refering to them as lame and blind.

So what I want to know are we seeing medieval prejudice or pollitically correct influences on the "unchanged word of de lard" All I know is, someone, somewhere is full of shit.  

   ⁹So David dwelt in the fort, and called it the city of David. And David built round about from Millo and inward.
   ¹⁰And David went on, and grew great, and the LORD God of hosts was with him.
   ¹¹And Hiram king of Tyre sent messengers to David, and cedar trees, and carpenters, and masons: and they built David an house. 

Fuck me! Is this it, can this be the first person mentioned in the bible that we have supportive evidence for? See here
and here 

And why would Hiram of Tyre send David these "gifts"?, surely there must be a reason other than David had a cute arse.
 
   ¹²And David perceived that the LORD had established him king over Israel, and that he had exalted his kingdom for his people Israel's sake.

Are we?, and have we been talking about de lard or possibly Hiram that has been supporting David? 
 
   ¹³And David took him more concubines and wives out of Jerusalem, after he was come from Hebron: and there were yet sons and daughters born to David.

 Now being paid off with women? I'll bet there was more to it than just women.


   ¹⁴And these be the names of those that were born unto him in Jerusalem; Shammuah, and Shobab, and Nathan, and Solomon,
   ¹⁵Ibhar also, and Elishua, and Nepheg, and Japhia,
   ¹⁶And Elishama, and Eliada, and Eliphalet.
   ¹⁷But when the Philistines heard that they had anointed David king over Israel, all the Philistines came up to seek David; and David heard of it, and went down to the hold.
   ¹⁸The Philistines also came and spread themselves in the valley of Rephaim.
   ¹⁹And David enquired of the LORD, saying, Shall I go up to the Philistines? wilt thou deliver them into mine hand? And the LORD said unto David, Go up: for I will doubtless deliver the Philistines into thine hand.

You would have thought that David would have an obligation, if not fealty, at least some graditude for them sheltering him when Saul had a bounty on his head.
I keep doing this..I must remember, these are not normal people, things such as loyalty trust and gratitude are a one way expectation. 

   ²⁰And David came to Baalperazim, and David smote them there, and said, The LORD hath broken forth upon mine enemies before me, as the breach of waters. Therefore he called the name of that place Baalperazim.
   ²¹And there they left their images, and David and his men burned them.
   ²²And the Philistines came up yet again, and spread themselves in the valley of Rephaim.
   ²³And when David enquired of the LORD, he said, Thou shalt not go up; but fetch a compass behind them, and come upon them over against the mulberry trees.
   ²⁴And let it be, when thou hearest the sound of a going in the tops of the mulberry trees, that then thou shalt bestir thyself: for then shallthe L ORD go out before thee, to smite the host of the Philistines.

This again makes me think the Lord in question is Hiram, not de lard.

   ²⁵And David did so, as the LORD had commanded him; and smote the Philistines from Geba until thou come to Gazer.

2 Samuel 4

   ¹And when Saul's son heard that Abner was dead in Hebron, his hands were feeble, and all the Israelites were troubled.
   ²And Saul's son had two men that were captains of bands: the name of the one was Baanah, and the name of the other Rechab, the sons of Rimmon a Beerothite, of the children of Benjamin: (for Beeroth also was reckoned to Benjamin.
   ³And the Beerothites fled to Gittaim, and were sojourners there until this day.)
   ⁴And Jonathan, Saul's son, had a son that was lame of his feet. He was five years old when the tidings came of Saul and Jonathan out of Jezreel, and his nurse took him up, and fled: and it came to pass, as she made haste to flee, that he fell, and became lame. And his name was Mephibosheth.

 How does the lame become lame? I suppose he could break his crutch but that sounds too painful for words.

   ⁵And the sons of Rimmon the Beerothite, Rechab and Baanah, went, and came about the heat of the day to the house of Ishbosheth, who lay on a bed at noon.
   ⁶And they came thither into the midst of the house, as though they would have fetched wheat; and they smote him under the fifth rib: and Rechab and Baanah his brother escaped.
   ⁷For when they came into the house, he lay on his bed in his bedchamber, and they smote him, and slew him, and beheaded him, and took his head, and gat them away through the plain all night.

Nothing like a quick getaway then, and that was absolutely nothing like a quick getaway.  Either that, or the slowest known decapitation in history.
 
   ⁸And they brought the head of Ishbosheth unto David to Hebron, and said to the king, Behold the head of Ishbosheth the son of Saul thine enemy, which sought thy life; and the LORD hath avenged my lord the king this day of Saul, and of his seed.
   ⁹And David answered Rechab and Baanah his brother, the sons of Rimmon the Beerothite, and said unto them, As the LORD liveth, who hath redeemed my soul out of all adversity,
   ¹⁰When one told me, saying, Behold, Saul is dead, thinking to have brought good tidings, I took hold of him, and slew him in Ziklag, who thought that I would have given him a reward for his tidings:
   ¹¹How much more, when wicked men have slain a righteous person in his own house upon his bed? shall I not therefore now require his blood of your hand, and take you away from the earth?

Perhaps when David sent word to Ishbosheth that he wanted his wife, Michal returned to him Rechab and Baanah thought David was asking for a little head.
   ¹²And David commanded his young men, and they slew them, and cut off their hands and their feet, and hanged them up over the pool in Hebron. But they took the head of Ishbosheth, and buried it in the sepulchre of Abner in Hebron.

2 Samuel 3

   ¹Now there was long war between the house of Saul and the house of David: but David waxed stronger and stronger, and the house of Saul waxed weaker and weaker.

I don't think we a talking a brazilian here! But seriously long war? We have just been told that Ishbosheth reigned for only two years. As wars go it, must surely be classed as a fairly short one.
   ²And unto David were sons born in Hebron: and his firstborn was Amnon, of Ahinoam the Jezreelitess;

He couldn't have been that busy warring. Mind you with the reputation of his predessesors as lovers taken into consideration perhaps he didn't lose much time from the fighting.
 
   ³And his second, Chileab, of Abigail the wife of Nabal the Carmelite; and the third, Absalom the son of Maacah the daughter of Talmai king of Geshur;
   ⁴And the fourth, Adonijah the son of Haggith; and the fifth, Shephatiah the son of Abital;
   ⁵And the sixth, Ithream, by Eglah David's wife. These were born to David in Hebron.

Six wives to take Johnathons place, I wonder whether any resembled him? 

   ⁶And it came to pass, while there was war between the house of Saul and the house of David, that Abner made himself strong for the house of Saul.
   ⁷And Saul had a concubine, whose name was Rizpah, the daughter of Aiah: and Ishbosheth said to Abner, Wherefore hast thou gone in unto my father's concubine?

The only reason I can think of as to why he should be bothered is he wanted too, unlucky should have been quicker, or maybe nicer and probably better looking.

   ⁸Then was Abner very wroth for the words of Ishbosheth, and said, Am I a dog's head, which against Judah do shew kindness this day unto the house of Saul thy father, to his brethren, and to his friends, and have not delivered thee into the hand of David, that thou chargest me to day with a fault concerning this woman?

I think Issy shouldn't have asked, jealously aside, why do people make judgements of other peoples sex life?

   ⁹So do God to Abner, and more also, except, as the LORD hath sworn to David, even so I do to him;
 The NLT puts that line this way

⁹ May God strike me and even kill me if I don’t do everything I can to help David get what the LORD has promised him!

   ¹⁰To translate the kingdom from the house of Saul, and to set up the throne of David over Israel and over Judah, from Dan even to Beersheba.
   ¹¹And he could not answer Abner a word again, because he feared him.

Now I wouldn't have thought that you would ask someone you feared questions like Who the fuck do you think you are? Fuckin Dad's bird before he's cold. Then again, if you are offendd by such a question, surely a smack in the mouth would be the normal response.
I see that is the answer to my question " Normal" These are not only Israelites sorting out petty sqabbles  but royalty and upper class. To satisfy thier ego's they will make thousands of innocent and not so well off people, kill each other.

   ¹²And Abner sent messengers to David on his behalf, saying, Whose is the land? saying also, Make thy league with me, and, behold, my hand shall be with thee, to bring about all Israel unto thee.
   ¹³And he said, Well; I will make a league with thee: but one thing I require of thee, that is, Thou shalt not see my face, except thou first bring Michal Saul's daughter, when thou comest to see my face.
   ¹⁴And David sent messengers to Ishbosheth Saul's son, saying, Deliver me my wife Michal, which I espoused to me for an hundred foreskins of the Philistines.

I'll bet she looked like her brother, infact I reckon on a moonlit night bent over a sleeping camel you wouldn't be able to tell them apart.  Well, once she got worn in as well as Johnathen had been.

   ¹⁵And Ishbosheth sent, and took her from her husband, even from Phaltiel the son of Laish.
   ¹⁶And her husband went with her along weeping behind her to Bahurim. Then said Abner unto him, Go, return. And he returned.

He wept!!?
Must have been because the price paid was not enought to get him a younger better looking model. 
 
   ¹⁷And Abner had communication with the elders of Israel, saying, Ye sought for David in times past to be king over you:
   ¹⁸Now then do it: for the LORD hath spoken of David, saying, By the hand of my servant David I will save my people Israel out of the hand of the Philistines, and out of the hand of all their enemies.
   ¹⁹And Abner also spake in the ears of Benjamin: and Abner went also to speak in the ears of David in Hebron all that seemed good to Israel, and that seemed good to the whole house of Benjamin.
   ²⁰So Abner came to David to Hebron, and twenty men with him. And David made Abner and the men that were with him a feast.
   ²¹And Abner said unto David, I will arise and go, and will gather all Israel unto my lord the king, that they may make a league with thee, and that thou mayest reign over all that thine heart desireth. And David sent Abner away; and he went in peace.
   ²²And, behold, the servants of David and Joab came from pursuing a troop, and brought in a great spoil with them: but Abner was not with David in Hebron; for he had sent him away, and he was gone in peace.
   ²³When Joab and all the host that was with him were come, they told Joab, saying, Abner the son of Ner came to the king, and he hath sent him away, and he is gone in peace.
   ²⁴Then Joab came to the king, and said, What hast thou done? behold, Abner came unto thee; why is it that thou hast sent him away, and he is quite gone?
   ²⁵Thou knowest Abner the son of Ner, that he came to deceive thee, and to know thy going out and thy coming in, and to know all that thou doest.
   ²⁶And when Joab was come out from David, he sent messengers after Abner, which brought him again from the well of Sirah: but David knew it not.
   ²⁷And when Abner was returned to Hebron, Joab took him aside in the gate to speak with him quietly, and smote him there under the fifth rib, that he died, for the blood of Asahel his brother.
   ²⁸And afterward when David heard it, he said, I and my kingdom are guiltless before the LORD for ever from the blood of Abner the son of Ner:
   ²⁹Let it rest on the head of Joab, and on all his father's house; and let there not fail from the house of Joab one that hath an issue, or that is a leper, or that leaneth on a staff, or that falleth on the sword, or that lacketh bread.

So although Joab got wrongful but understanderble revenge on his brother's killer, he and his fathers family a cursed forever. Now while I understand that from David's point of veiw it could jepordise some if not all of the alliences he and Joab had discussed surely then jumping back a generation is overkill. Sorry I forgot who I was talking about. On second thoughts admire David for showing more restraint than his ancestors.
 
   ³⁰So Joab, and Abishai his brother slew Abner, because he had slain their brother Asahel at Gibeon in the battle.

pic from Motorcycle funerals ltd.

   ³¹And David said to Joab, and to all the people that were with him, Rend your clothes, and gird you with sackcloth, and mourn before Abner. And king David himself followed the bier.

Bier means a kind of hand cart, but now equates to what we would now call a hearse

   ³²And they buried Abner in Hebron: and the king lifted up his voice, and wept at the grave of Abner; and all the people wept.
   ³³And the king lamented over Abner, and said, Died Abner as a fool dieth?
   ³⁴Thy hands were not bound, nor thy feet put into fetters: as a man falleth before wicked men, so fellest thou. And all the people wept again over him.
   ³⁵And when all the people came to cause David to eat meat while it was yet day, David sware, saying, So do God to me, and more also, if I taste bread, or ought else, till the sun be down.
   ³⁶And all the people took notice of it, and it pleased them: as whatsoever the king did pleased all the people.
   ³⁷For all the people and all Israel understood that day that it was not of the king to slay Abner the son of Ner.
   ³⁸And the king said unto his servants, Know ye not that there is a prince and a great man fallen this day in Israel?
   ³⁹And I am this day weak, though anointed king; and these men the sons of Zeruiah be too hard for me: the LORD shall reward the doer of evil according to his wickedness.

2 Samuel 2

   ¹And it came to pass after this, that David enquired of the LORD, saying, Shall I go up into any of the cities of Judah? And the LORD said unto him, Go up. And David said, Whither shall I go up? And he said, Unto Hebron.

So even with Saul dead David cannot decide whether his exile is over utill he consults his invisible friend.
 
   ²So David went up thither, and his two wives also, Ahinoam the Jezreelitess, and Abigail Nabal's wife the Carmelite.
   ³And his men that were with him did David bring up, every man with his household: and they dwelt in the cities of Hebron.
   ⁴And the men of Judah came, and there they anointed David king over the house of Judah. And they told David, saying, That the men of Jabeshgilead were they that buried Saul.

Surely by the rules of succesion any surviving sons of Saul should be in line for kingship. Unless of course his relationship with Johnathen was accepted as a marriage. Even then he should have been appointed queen.
 
   ⁵And David sent messengers unto the men of Jabeshgilead, and said unto them, Blessed be ye of the LORD, that ye have shewed this kindness unto your lord, even unto Saul, and have buried him.
   ⁶And now the LORD shew kindness and truth unto you: and I also will requite you this kindness, because ye have done this thing.
   ⁷Therefore now let your hands be strengthened, and be ye valiant: for your master Saul is dead, and also the house of Judah have anointed me king over them.
   ⁸But Abner the son of Ner, captain of Saul's host, took Ishbosheth the son of Saul, and brought him over to Mahanaim;

 Tep! Surviving son.  This won't be good.


   ⁹And made him king over Gilead, and over the Ashurites, and over Jezreel, and over Ephraim, and over Benjamin, and over all Israel.
   ¹⁰Ishbosheth Saul's son was forty years old when he began to reign over Israel, and reigned two years. But the house of Judah followed David.
   ¹¹And the time that David was king in Hebron over the house of Judah was seven years and six months.
   ¹²And Abner the son of Ner, and the servants of Ishbosheth the son of Saul, went out from Mahanaim to Gibeon.
   ¹³And Joab the son of Zeruiah, and the servants of David, went out, and met together by the pool of Gibeon: and they sat down, the one on the one side of the pool, and the other on the other side of the pool.

What? Are they going to play water polo?
 
   ¹⁴And Abner said to Joab, Let the young men now arise, and play before us. And Joab said, Let them arise.
   ¹⁵Then there arose and went over by number twelve of Benjamin, which pertained to Ishbosheth the son of Saul, and twelve of the servants of David.

If only all wars could be solved with sport.
 
   ¹⁶And they caught every one his fellow by the head, and thrust his sword in his fellow's side; so they fell down together: wherefore that place was called Helkathhazzurim, which is in Gibeon.

Albeit a bloodthirsty one.
 
   ¹⁷And there was a very sore battle that day; and Abner was beaten, and the men of Israel, before the servants of David.
   ¹⁸And there were three sons of Zeruiah there, Joab, and Abishai, and Asahel: and Asahel was as light of foot as a wild roe.
   ¹⁹And Asahel pursued after Abner; and in going he turned not to the right hand nor to the left from following Abner.
   ²⁰Then Abner looked behind him, and said, Art thou Asahel? And he answered, I am.
   ²¹And Abner said to him, Turn thee aside to thy right hand or to thy left, and lay thee hold on one of the young men, and take thee his armour. But Asahel would not turn aside from following of him.
   ²²And Abner said again to Asahel, Turn thee aside from following me: wherefore should I smite thee to the ground? how then should I hold up my face to Joab thy brother?
   ²³Howbeit he refused to turn aside: wherefore Abner with the hinder end of the spear smote him under the fifth rib, that the spear came out behind him; and he fell down there, and died in the same place: and it came to pass, that as many as came to the place where Asahel fell down and died stood still.
   ²⁴Joab also and Abishai pursued after Abner: and the sun went down when they were come to the hill of Ammah, that lieth before Giah by the way of the wilderness of Gibeon.
   ²⁵And the children of Benjamin gathered themselves together after Abner, and became one troop, and stood on the top of an hill.
   ²⁶Then Abner called to Joab, and said, Shall the sword devour for ever? knowest thou not that it will be bitterness in the latter end? how long shall it be then, ere thou bid the people return from following their brethren?
   ²⁷And Joab said, As God liveth, unless thou hadst spoken, surely then in the morning the people had gone up every one from following his brother.
   ²⁸So Joab blew a trumpet, and all the people stood still, and pursued after Israel no more, neither fought they any more.
   ²⁹And Abner and his men walked all that night through the plain, and passed over Jordan, and went through all Bithron, and they came to Mahanaim.
   ³⁰And Joab returned from following Abner: and when he had gathered all the people together, there lacked of David's servants nineteen men and Asahel.

   ³¹But the servants of David had smitten of Benjamin, and of Abner's men, so that three hundred and threescore men died.

Let me see...... 12 + 12 / 360 + 19  = some fucked up maths. Or are we including spectator violence?
   ³²And they took up Asahel, and buried him in the sepulchre of his father, which was in Bethlehem. And Joab and his men went all night, and they came to Hebron at break of day.