2 Samuel 1

   ¹Now it came to pass after the death of Saul, when David was returned from the slaughter of the Amalekites, and David had abode two days in Ziklag;
   ²It came even to pass on the third day, that, behold, a man came out of the camp from Saul with his clothes rent, and earth upon his head: and so it was, when he came to David, that he fell to the earth, and did obeisance. 

That means bowing, showing subservience, not anything to do with being a porker

   ³And David said unto him, From whence comest thou? And he said unto him, Out of the camp of Israel am I escaped.
   ⁴And David said unto him, How went the matter? I pray thee, tell me. And he answered, That the people are fled from the battle, and many of the people also are fallen and dead; and Saul and Jonathan his son are dead also.
   ⁵And David said unto the young man that told him, How knowest thou that Saul and Jonathan his son be dead?
   ⁶And the young man that told him said, As I happened by chance upon mount Gilboa, behold, Saul leaned upon his spear; and, lo, the chariots and horsemen followed hard after him.
   ⁷And when he looked behind him, he saw me, and called unto me. And I answered, Here am I.
   ⁸And he said unto me, Who art thou? And I answered him, I am an Amalekite.
   ⁹He said unto me again, Stand, I pray thee, upon me, and slay me: for anguish is come upon me, because my life is yet whole in me.
   ¹⁰So I stood upon him, and slew him, because I was sure that he could not live after that he was fallen: and I took the crown that was upon his head, and the bracelet that was on his arm, and have brought them hither unto my lord.

So this Amelekite is claiming he slew Saul and yet 1 Samuel 4 states clearly that Saul took his own life. Perhaps he couldn't even do that properly and this lad is telling the truth.
 
   ¹¹Then David took hold on his clothes, and rent them; and likewise all the men that were with him:
   ¹²And they mourned, and wept, and fasted until even, for Saul, and for Jonathan his son, and for the people of the LORD, and for the house of Israel; because they were fallen by the sword.
   ¹³And David said unto the young man that told him, Whence art thou? And he answered, I am the son of a stranger, an Amalekite.
   ¹⁴And David said unto him, How wast thou not afraid to stretch forth thine hand to destroy the LORD's anointed?

   ¹⁵And David called one of the young men, and said, Go near, and fall upon him. And he smote him that he died.

There's gratitude for you.
 
   ¹⁶And David said unto him, Thy blood be upon thy head; for thy mouth hath testified against thee, saying, I have slain the LORD's anointed.

In other words "It's your fault you showed compassion and honesty".
 
   ¹⁷And David lamented with this lamentation over Saul and over Jonathan his son:

I somehow doubt David gave a fuck about Saul, Johnathan however would have been a different matter.
 
   ¹⁸(Also he bade them teach the children of Judah the use of the bow: behold, it is written in the book of Jasher.) 
Those of you that were here at the beginning will remember me starting a book called "The Book Of Jasher" I stopped as it's provenence is doubtful however it can be found here. If it is genuine, in places it is mind blowing.


   ¹⁹The beauty of Israel is slain upon thy high places: how are the mighty fallen!
   ²⁰Tell it not in Gath, publish it not in the streets of Askelon; lest the daughters of the Philistines rejoice, lest the daughters of the uncircumcised triumph.
   ²¹Ye mountains of Gilboa, let there be no dew, neither let there be rain, upon you, nor fields of offerings: for there the shield of the mighty is vilely cast away, the shield of Saul, as though he had not been anointed with oil.
   ²²From the blood of the slain, from the fat of the mighty, the bow of Jonathan turned not back, and the sword of Saul returned not empty.
   ²³Saul and Jonathan were lovely and pleasant in their lives, and in their death they were not divided: they were swifter than eagles, they were stronger than lions.

Is this a case of  "not speaking ill of the dead". The Saul I read of was a inept vindictive cunt whose focus in life was to bring about Davids death.

   ²⁴Ye daughters of Israel, weep over Saul, who clothed you in scarlet, with other delights, who put on ornaments of gold upon your apparel.
   ²⁵How are the mighty fallen in the midst of the battle! O Jonathan, thou wast slain in thine high places.
   ²⁶I am distressed for thee, my brother Jonathan: very pleasant hast thou been unto me: thy love to me was wonderful, passing the love of women. 

Now what was that again about god not liking teh gay remember that folks the next time someone gives you the leviticus argument.
   ²⁷How are the mighty fallen, and the weapons of war perished!

1 Samuel Recap

 I actually enjoyed reading this book, although you wouldn't think so seeings how long it took.

So we start this book with the familiar tale of a barren woman,married to an old man. We know she is the infertile one in the relationship as there is another wife with children. There is no mention whether these children look more like “uncle Abu Ben Fucker” or their “father”

After “visiting” the local priest and his sons, the barren wife is found unconscious as if drunken and then the following day miraculously conceives as she does after every following annual visit.

The legitimate sons of Eli the priest are greedy and known for taking whatever they fancy.

Eli takes her first-born under his wing and teaches him the priestly duties as he did with his own sons.

As the years go by young Sam hears de lard whispering sweet nothings as he spends nights staying with his grandad mentor.

We then get into a war with the Philistines with a smattering of prophesy and fables thrown in to blame the pasting the Israelites get on Eli and his sons that are all dead after the battle. Eli died after falling off his chair.

During this battle the Philistines capture the fabled ark the Israelites are apparently more upset about losing their magic box than they are about losing their friends and relatives.

The Philistines are struck with piles, supposedly as a punishment from de lard. Strange how after proving himself by being a pain in their collective arses they do not bow down and worship him. The result of this, is for the Philistines utilising the foremost science and medicine of the time. Throw the ark, accompanied by some mice and haemorrhoids made of gold into a cart drawn by some ex heifer's, then release them. I wonder whether that's where the phrase “Having piles of gold come from.”

The cows take the Ark to the Levites who upon receipt of de lards box are rewarded by de lards gratitude with 50,000 dead.(20,000)more than those that died when they lost the Ark). We must however remember maths are not the scribes strong point.

Twenty years down the line Sam still has his invisible friend and decides the Israelites must stop worshipping Baalim(gods) and Ashteroth(Mrs de lard) To do this he calls all the Israelites together. The Philistines would have seized this opportunity to finish them off but Sam called up the power of de lard by butchering a lamb so de lard would scare them with a thunderstorm.

Sam is promoted to seer and sees himself as king, something the people do not want, strangely enough, de lard agrees with them.

Enter Saul from stage left. Saul is taken under Sam’s wing and chosen to be king. The relationship between Sam and Saul seems to be more than just friends. Even so Saul manages to father Johnathan.

Saul settles into his kingly role and starts to antagonize the Philistines the narrative seems to lose the plot and any grasp of mathematics when reporting skirmishes.

We then get into a couple of incidents that involve de omniscient one admitting to lack of fore sight and mistakes so repenting and changing his mind. Sam dies and Saul, either through grief or just being inept, becomes the crappiest crappy king in crapland.

We then have the David and Goliath tale quickly followed by Jonny and David getting friendly, very friendly. A relationship that Saul disapproves of so much he “gives” him his daughter as a wife. Yet demanding 100 Philistine foreskins as a payment. David killed 200 men to get these???

Saul was not happy with David’s success and wanted to kill him, Johnny made him promise that he would not. A promise as good as de lards, as he tried but David escaped.

He assembles a small band of men and roams Saul follows in two or one encounters David could have killed Saul and didn't. They then have two or one pow wows which ends with Saul admitting he was wrong and allowing David and his merry men to go on their way. They go to the land of the Philistines and get less shit of their”enemies” than they got from their kinsmen. In return he and his men became mercenaries for the philistines but without the philistines softer side.

Saul battles with the Philistines and johnny is killed.

Saul shows his cowardice bravery and lack of dignity by topping himself

To,sum it all up Power, Gay sex Power more gay sex with a shit load of death thrown in.

1 Samuel 31

   ¹Now the Philistines fought against Israel: and the men of Israel fled from before the Philistines, and fell down slain in mount Gilboa.
   ²And the Philistines followed hard upon Saul and upon his sons; and the Philistines slew Jonathan, and Abinadab, and Melchishua, Saul's sons.

Jonathan dead, David is not going to be happy.
 
   ³And the battle went sore against Saul, and the archers hit him; and he was sore wounded of the archers.
   ⁴Then said Saul unto his armourbearer, Draw thy sword, and thrust me through therewith; lest these uncircumcised come and thrust me through, and abuse me. But his armourbearer would not; for he was sore afraid. Therefore Saul took a sword, and fell upon it.

Sureley whether or not your killer has or does not have a foreskin does not preclude your dead body being abused in any way.

 

   ⁵And when his armourbearer saw that Saul was dead, he fell likewise upon his sword, and died with him.

It may have been he missed Samuel and the act of self penetration satisfied need for something hard inside him. Although in reality Sauls suicide should be seen as just cowardice, a pathetic way to die for a king.   His armourbearer's death although possibly bourne of loyalty and fear was none the less just plain stupid.

   ⁶So Saul died, and his three sons, and his armourbearer, and all his men, that same day together.
   ⁷And when the men of Israel that were on the other side of the valley, and they that were on the other side Jordan, saw that the men of Israel fled, and that Saul and his sons were dead, they forsook the cities, and fled; and the Philistines came and dwelt in them.
   ⁸And it came to pass on the morrow, when the Philistines came to strip the slain, that they found Saul and his three sons fallen in mount Gilboa.
   ⁹And they cut off his head, and stripped off his armour, and sent into the land of the Philistines round about, to publish it in the house of their idols, and among the people.

   ¹⁰And they put his armour in the house of Ashteroth: and they fastened his body to the wall of Bethshan.
   ¹¹And when the inhabitants of Jabeshgilead heard of that which the Philistines had done to Saul;
   ¹²All the valiant men arose, and went all night, and took the body of Saul and the bodies of his sons from the wall of Bethshan, and came to Jabesh, and burnt them there.

All the valient men? If they were that valient and they thought that much of Saul, why were they not in his army?
   ¹³And they took their bones, and buried them under a tree at Jabesh, and fasted seven days.

1 Samuel 30

Happy new year to you all.

 

   ¹And it came to pass, when David and his men were come to Ziklag on the third day, that the Amalekites had invaded the south, and Ziklag, and smitten Ziklag, and burned it with fire;
   ²And had taken the women captives, that were therein: they slew not any, either great or small, but carried them away, and went on their way.

That makes the Amalakites relative humanitarians, they even kept the fat birds alive.
 
   ³So David and his men came to the city, and, behold, it was burned with fire; and their wives, and their sons, and their daughters, were taken captives.
   ⁴Then David and the people that were with him lifted up their voice and wept, until they had no more power to weep.
   ⁵And David's two wives were taken captives, Ahinoam the Jezreelitess, and Abigail the wife of Nabal the Carmelite.
   ⁶And David was greatly distressed; for the people spake of stoning him, because the soul of all the people was grieved, every man for his sons and for his daughters: but David encouraged himself in the LORD his God. 

Sureley not the time to be masturbating?

   ⁷And David said to Abiathar the priest, Ahimelech's son, I pray thee, bring me hither the ephod. And Abiathar brought thither the ephod to David.

At least if he uses the ephod he will not make a mess(An ephod is the ritual apron used when sacrificing and otherwise kissing de lards arse)

   ⁸And David enquired at the LORD, saying, Shall I pursue after this troop? shall I overtake them? And he answered him, Pursue: for thou shalt surely overtake them, and without fail recover all.
   ⁹So David went, he and the six hundred men that were with him, and came to the brook Besor, where those that were left behind stayed.
   ¹⁰But David pursued, he and four hundred men: for two hundred abode behind, which were so faint that they could not go over the brook Besor.


Two hundred or one third of his supposed battle hardened men are too "faint" to cross a brooke to go rescue thier loved ones.
Fucking cowards. I would risk death for my freinds let alone my family.


   ¹¹And they found an Egyptian in the field, and brought him to David, and gave him bread, and he did eat; and they made him drink water;
   ¹²And they gave him a piece of a cake of figs, and two clusters of raisins: and when he had eaten, his spirit came again to him: for he had eaten no bread, nor drunk any water, three days and three nights.

After three days without they gave him bread ad made him drink water ?
I would have thought untill he had water he would have been unable to eat and I doubt they would have had much trouble making him drink.Keeping it down may have been a problem initially but drinking sureley not!

   ¹³And David said unto him, To whom belongest thou? and whence art thou? And he said, I am a young man of Egypt, servant to an Amalekite; and my master left me, because three days agone I fell sick.
   ¹⁴We made an invasion upon the south of the Cherethites, and upon the coast which belongeth to Judah, and upon the south of Caleb; and we burned Ziklag with fire.
   ¹⁵And David said to him, Canst thou bring me down to this company? And he said, Swear unto me by God, that thou wilt neither kill me, nor deliver me into the hands of my master, and I will bring thee down to this company.

I would have thought if he wanted some one to swear it would be gods plural or a named diety.
 
   ¹⁶And when he had brought him down, behold, they were spread abroad upon all the earth, eating and drinking, and dancing, because of all the great spoil that they had taken out of the land of the Philistines, and out of the land of Judah.

Him?
 
   ¹⁷And David smote them from the twilight even unto the evening of the next day: and there escaped not a man of them, save four hundred young men, which rode upon camels, and fled.

It seems the Isralites scribes are suffering from discalculia again.

   ¹⁸And David recovered all that the Amalekites had carried away: and David rescued his two wives.
   ¹⁹And there was nothing lacking to them, neither small nor great, neither sons nor daughters, neither spoil, nor any thing that they had taken to them: David recovered all.
   ²⁰And David took all the flocks and the herds, which they drave before those other cattle, and said, This is David's spoil.
   ²¹And David came to the two hundred men, which were so faint that they could not follow David, whom they had made also to abide at the brook Besor: and they went forth to meet David, and to meet the people that were with him: and when David came near to the people, he saluted them.
   ²²Then answered all the wicked men and men of Belial, of those that went with David, and said, Because they went not with us, we will not give them ought of the spoil that we have recovered, save to every man his wife and his children, that they may lead them away, and depart.

That seems fair to me, with thier help they may have had a few camels more.
 
   ²³Then said David, Ye shall not do so, my brethren, with that which the LORD hath given us, who hath preserved us, and delivered the company that came against us into our hand.

Of course it must be de lards work, nothing to do with the efforts of the Israelites to get thier property back and no mention of the Egyptian slave that led them to do this.
 
   ²⁴For who will hearken unto you in this matter? but as his part is that goeth down to the battle, so shall his part be that tarrieth by the stuff: they shall part alike.
   ²⁵And it was so from that day forward, that he made it a statute and an ordinance for Israel unto this day.

Didn't Moses already do that?
 
   ²⁶And when David came to Ziklag, he sent of the spoil unto the elders of Judah, even to his friends, saying, Behold a present for you of the spoil of the enemies of the LORD;
   ²⁷To them which were in Bethel, and to them which were in south Ramoth, and to them which were in Jattir,
   ²⁸And to them which were in Aroer, and to them which were in Siphmoth, and to them which were in Eshtemoa,
   ²⁹And to them which were in Rachal, and to them which were in the cities of the Jerahmeelites, and to them which were in the cities of the Kenites,
   ³⁰And to them which were in Hormah, and to them which were in Chorashan, and to them which were in Athach,
   ³¹And to them which were in Hebron, and to all the places where David himself and his men were wont to haunt.

What?


The NLT puts verse 27 0nwards as
    ²⁷ The gifts were sent to the people of the following towns David had visited: Bethel, Ramoth-negev, Jattir, ²⁸ Aroer, Siphmoth, Eshtemoa, ²⁹ Racal,^[a] the towns of the Jerahmeelites, the towns of the Kenites, ³⁰ Hormah, Bor-ashan, Athach, ³¹ Hebron, and all the other places David and his men had visited
The greek version has Carmel insted of Racal