1 Samuel 25

   ¹And Samuel died; and all the Israelites were gathered together, and lamented him, and buried him in his house at Ramah. And David arose, and went down to the wilderness of Paran.
   ²And there was a man in Maon, whose possessions were in Carmel; and the man was very great, and he had three thousand sheep, and a thousand goats: and he was shearing his sheep in Carmel.
   ³Now the name of the man was Nabal; and the name of his wife Abigail: and she was a woman of good understanding, and of a beautiful countenance: but the man was churlish and evil in his doings; and he was of the house of Caleb.

Hmmm.

   ⁴And David heard in the wilderness that Nabal did shear his sheep.

Shear not share?

   ⁵And David sent out ten young men, and David said unto the young men, Get you up to Carmel, and go to Nabal, and greet him in my name:
   ⁶And thus shall ye say to him that liveth in prosperity, Peace be both to thee, and peace be to thine house, and peace be unto all that thou hast.

Call me cynical, but I think this greeting, combined with the proximity of a beautiful woman has sealed Nabals fate.
 
   ⁷And now I have heard that thou hast shearers: now thy shepherds which were with us, we hurt them not, neither was there ought missing unto them, all the while they were in Carmel.
   ⁸Ask thy young men, and they will shew thee. Wherefore let the young men find favour in thine eyes: for we come in a good day: give, I pray thee, whatsoever cometh to thine hand unto thy servants, and to thy son David.
   ⁹And when David's young men came, they spake to Nabal according to all those words in the name of David, and ceased.
   ¹⁰And Nabal answered David's servants, and said, Who is David? and who is the son of Jesse? there be many servants now a days that break away every man from his master.
   ¹¹Shall I then take my bread, and my water, and my flesh that I have killed for my shearers, and give it unto men, whom I know not whence they be? 

Didn't the laws of Moses say he should welcom strangers, travellers and fellow Israelites? He should be careful or he may bring the wrath of de lard on himself.
 
   ¹²So David's young men turned their way, and went again, and came and told him all those sayings.
   ¹³And David said unto his men, Gird ye on every man his sword. And they girded on every man his sword; and David also girded on his sword: and there went up after David about four hundred men; and two hundred abode by the stuff.

Buggar me the numbers of men are for once consistant.


   ¹⁴But one of the young men told Abigail, Nabal's wife, saying, Behold, David sent messengers out of the wilderness to salute our master; and he railed on them.
   ¹⁵But the men were very good unto us, and we were not hurt, neither missed we any thing, as long as we were conversant with them, when we were in the fields:
   ¹⁶They were a wall unto us both by night and day, all the while we were with them keeping the sheep.
   ¹⁷Now therefore know and consider what thou wilt do; for evil is determined against our master, and against all his household: for he is such a son of Belial, that a man cannot speak to him.

In modern parlance being a child of Belial would equate to "worthless, untrustworthy sonnofabitch"
 
   ¹⁸Then Abigail made haste, and took two hundred loaves, and two bottles of wine, and five sheep ready dressed, and five measures of parched corn, and an hundred clusters of raisins, and two hundred cakes of figs, and laid them on asses. 
   ¹⁹And she said unto her servants, Go on before me; behold, I come after you. But she told not her husband Nabal.

Without her husbands knowledge and permission, ooh dear if he finds out she could get stoned and not in a good way.
 
   ²⁰And it was so, as she rode on the ass, that she came down by the covert on the hill, and, behold, David and his men came down against her; and she met them.
   ²¹Now David had said, Surely in vain have I kept all that this fellow hath in the wilderness, so that nothing was missed of all that pertained unto him: and he hath requited me evil for good.
   ²²So and more also do God unto the enemies of David, if I leave of all that pertain to him by the morning light any that pisseth against the wall.

What? 
The NLT has this

²⁰ As she was riding her donkey into a mountain ravine, she saw David and his men coming toward her. ²¹ David had just been saying, “A lot of good it did to help this fellow. We protected his flocks in the wilderness, and nothing he owned was lost or stolen. But he has repaid me evil for good.  

²² May God strike me and kill me^[c] if even one man of his household is still alive tomorrow morning!”

That is clearer, but no mention of pissing up a wall.
 
²³And when Abigail saw David, she hasted, and lighted off the ass, and fell before David on her face, and bowed herself to the ground,
   ²⁴And fell at his feet, and said, Upon me, my lord, upon me let this iniquity be: and let thine handmaid, I pray thee, speak in thine audience, and hear the words of thine handmaid.
   ²⁵Let not my lord, I pray thee, regard this man of Belial, even Nabal: for as his name is, so is he; Nabal is his name, and folly is with him: but I thine handmaid saw not the young men of my lord, whom thou didst send.
   ²⁶Now therefore, my lord, as the LORD liveth, and as thy soul liveth, seeing the LORD hath withholden thee from coming to shed blood, and from avenging thyself with thine own hand, now let thine enemies, and they that seek evil to my lord, be as Nabal.
   ²⁷And now this blessing which thine handmaid hath brought unto my lord, let it even be given unto the young men that follow my lord.
   ²⁸I pray thee, forgive the trespass of thine handmaid: for the LORD will certainly make my lord a sure house; because my lord fighteth the battles of the LORD, and evil hath not been found in thee all thy days

So David's relationship with Johnathen was either not public knowledge or was not seen as a bad thing..



   ²⁹Yet a man is risen to pursue thee, and to seek thy soul: but the soul of my lord shall be bound in the bundle of life with the LORD thy God; and the souls of thine enemies, them shall he sling out, as out of the middle of a sling.

NLT has this

   ²⁹ “Even when you are chased by those who seek to kill you, your life is safe in the care of the Lord your God, secure in his treasure pouch.

Bundle of life or trasure pouch? Perhaps posing pouch would be a better translation?

   ³⁰And it shall come to pass, when the LORD shall have done to my lord according to all the good that he hath spoken concerning thee, and shall have appointed thee ruler over Israel;
   ³¹That this shall be no grief unto thee, nor offence of heart unto my lord, either that thou hast shed blood causeless, or that my lord hath avenged himself: but when the LORD shall have dealt well with my lord, then remember thine handmaid.
   ³²And David said to Abigail, Blessed be the LORD God of Israel, which sent thee this day to meet me:
   ³³And blessed be thy advice, and blessed be thou, which hast kept me this day from coming to shed blood, and from avenging myself with mine own hand.
   ³⁴For in very deed, as the LORD God of Israel liveth, which hath kept me back from hurting thee, except thou hadst hasted and come to meet me, surely there had not been left unto Nabal by the morning light any that pisseth against the wall.
   ³⁵So David received of her hand that which she had brought him, and said unto her, Go up in peace to thine house; see, I have hearkened to thy voice, and have accepted thy person.
   ³⁶And Abigail came to Nabal; and, behold, he held a feast in his house, like the feast of a king; and Nabal's heart was merry within him, for he was very drunken: wherefore she told him nothing, less or more, until the morning light.

   ³⁷But it came to pass in the morning, when the wine was gone out of Nabal, and his wife had told him these things, that his heart died within him, and he became as a stone.
   ³⁸And it came to pass about ten days after, that the LORD smote Nabal, that he died.

I said that would happen, fuck me I am a prophet!
 
   ³⁹And when David heard that Nabal was dead, he said, Blessed be the LORD, that hath pleaded the cause of my reproach from the hand of Nabal, and hath kept his servant from evil: for the LORD hath returned the wickedness of Nabal upon his own head. And David sent and communed with Abigail, to take her to him to wife.
   ⁴⁰And when the servants of David were come to Abigail to Carmel, they spake unto her, saying, David sent us unto thee, to take thee to him to wife.
   ⁴¹And she arose, and bowed herself on her face to the earth, and said, Behold, let thine handmaid be a servant to wash the feet of the servants of my lord.
   ⁴²And Abigail hasted, and arose and rode upon an ass, with five damsels of hers that went after her; and she went after the messengers of David, and became his wife.
   ⁴³David also took Ahinoam of Jezreel; and they were also both of them his wives.
   ⁴⁴But Saul had given Michal his daughter, David's wife, to Phalti the son of Laish, which was of Gallim.

1 Samuel 24

   ¹And it came to pass, when Saul was returned from following the Philistines, that it was told him, saying, Behold, David is in the wilderness of Engedi.

   ²Then Saul took three thousand chosen men out of all Israel, and went to seek David and his men upon the rocks of the wild goats.
   ³And he came to the sheepcotes by the way, where was a cave; and Saul went in to cover his feet: and David and his men remained in the sides of the cave.

If youy can't be bothered to click on the link "cover his feet" means going for a crap. You would have thought someone of his station would have been more careful.

   ⁴And the men of David said unto him, Behold the day of which the LORD said unto thee, Behold, I will deliver thine enemy into thine hand, that thou mayest do to him as it shall seem good unto thee. Then David arose, and cut off the skirt of Saul's robe privily.
   ⁵And it came to pass afterward, that David's heart smote him, because he had cut off Saul's skirt.
   ⁶And he said unto his men, The LORD forbid that I should do this thing unto my master, the LORD's anointed, to stretch forth mine hand against him, seeing he is the anointed of the LORD.
   ⁷So David stayed his servants with these words, and suffered them not to rise against Saul. But Saul rose up out of the cave, and went on his way.
   ⁸David also arose afterward, and went out of the cave, and cried after Saul, saying, My lord the king. And when Saul looked behind him, David stooped with his face to the earth, and bowed himself. 
   ⁹And David said to Saul, Wherefore hearest thou men's words, saying, Behold, David seeketh thy hurt?
   ¹⁰Behold, this day thine eyes have seen how that the LORD had delivered thee to day into mine hand in the cave: and some bade me kill thee: but mine eye spared thee; and I said, I will not put forth mine hand against my lord; for he is the LORD's anointed.
   ¹¹Moreover, my father, see, yea, see the skirt of thy robe in my hand: for in that I cut off the skirt of thy robe, and killed thee not, know thou and see that there is neither evil nor transgression in mine hand, and I have not sinned against thee; yet thou huntest my soul to take it.

I was wondering why David was close enough to Saul to quite literally smell him, and only cuts a bit of his skirt? I was thinking what did he do with it. The only use I could think of was to pass it to Saul so he could wipe his arse.

   ¹²The LORD judge between me and thee, and the LORD avenge me of thee: but mine hand shall not be upon thee.
   ¹³As saith the proverb of the ancients, Wickedness proceedeth from the wicked: but mine hand shall not be upon thee.
   ¹⁴After whom is the king of Israel come out? after whom dost thou pursue? after a dead dog, after a flea.
   ¹⁵The LORD therefore be judge, and judge between me and thee, and see, and plead my cause, and deliver me out of thine hand.
   ¹⁶And it came to pass, when David had made an end of speaking these words unto Saul, that Saul said, Is this thy voice, my son David? And Saul lifted up his voice, and wept.
   ¹⁷And he said to David, Thou art more righteous than I: for thou hast rewarded me good, whereas I have rewarded thee evil.
   ¹⁸And thou hast shewed this day how that thou hast dealt well with me: forasmuch as when the LORD had delivered me into thine hand, thou killedst me not.
   ¹⁹For if a man find his enemy, will he let him go well away? wherefore the LORD reward thee good for that thou hast done unto me this day.
   ²⁰And now, behold, I know well that thou shalt surely be king, and that the kingdom of Israel shall be established in thine hand.
   ²¹Swear now therefore unto me by the LORD, that thou wilt not cut off my seed after me, and that thou wilt not destroy my name out of my father's house.
   ²²And David sware unto Saul. And Saul went home; but David and his men gat them up unto the hold.

Smooth talkin bastard. Still smells like bullshit to me but it may just have been Sauls feet.

1 Samuel 23

s   ¹Then they told David, saying, Behold, the Philistines fight against Keilah, and they rob the threshingfloors.

Would "They". Have been so ready to complain if they behaved like the Israelites and "killed every living thing, instead of the sweepings off the threshing floors?

   ²Therefore David enquired of the LORD, saying, Shall I go and smite these Philistines? And the LORD said unto David, Go, and smite the Philistines, and save Keilah.

So, here we are not two chapters away from David losing the plot and surprise surprise David is not only talking to de lard but hearing his replies too. It continually amazes me, that, as the most studied book in the world, the so called learned scolars have missed so much. So many things attributed to the power and wisdom of de lard and yet so many of his "leader's" are suffering from obvious and acute  delusions.

   ³And David's men said unto him, Behold, we be afraid here in Judah: how much more then if we come to Keilah against the armies of the Philistines?

   ⁴Then David enquired of the LORD yet again. And the LORD answered him and said, Arise, go down to Keilah; for I will deliver the Philistines into thine hand.


   ⁵So David and his men went to Keilah, and fought with the Philistines, and brought away their cattle, and smote them with a great slaughter. So David saved the inhabitants of Keilah.


   ⁶And it came to pass, when Abiathar the son of Ahimelech fled to David to Keilah, that he came down with an ephod in his hand.


   ⁷And it was told Saul that David was come to Keilah. And Saul said, God hath delivered him into mine hand; for he is shut in, by entering into a town that hath gates and bars

Saul thinks god is with him, David thinks god is on his side.  I think at least one of these nutjobs believers is mistaken.

  ⁸And Saul called all the people together to war, to go down to Keilah, to besiege David and his men.


   ⁹And David knew that Saul secretly practised mischief against him; and he said to Abiathar the priest, Bring hither the ephod.

"secretly practised mischief" Is this meaning the public demand for the death of David or has Saul developed a crush on his son's lover?
   ¹⁰Then said David, O LORD God of Israel, thy servant hath certainly heard that Saul seeketh to come to Keilah, to destroy the city for my sake

Hmm unless it is sexual desire I think the secret is out.
 .
   ¹¹Will the men of Keilah deliver me up into his hand? will Saul come down, as thy servant hath heard? O LORD God of Israel, I beseech thee, tell thy servant. And the LORD said, He will come down.

   ¹²Then said David, Will the men of Keilah deliver me and my men into the hand of Saul? And the LORD said, They will deliver thee up.

So is de lard on David's side as he thinks? Maybe after all he has just pointed out that the people of Keilah are true Israelites and true to thier heritage, cannot be trusted, even when owing a huge debt. 

   ¹³Then David and his men, which were about six hundred, arose and departed out of Keilah, and went whithersoever they could go. 

Hang on....


....David and his "troops"m have just fought a bloody battle with the philistines and yet instead of showing losses his army has now increased by 50%. Ah well if you can put lipstick on a pig I suppose you can dress cows in armour.

And it was told Saul that David was escaped from Keilah; and he forbare to go forth.
   ¹⁴And David abode in the wilderness in strong holds, and remained in a mountain in the wilderness of Ziph. And Saul sought him every day, but God delivered him not into his hand.

Of course that explains Davids madness he has caught Ziph  ilous.
Sorry about that.
 
   ¹⁵And David saw that Saul was come out to seek his life: and David was in the wilderness of Ziph in a wood.
   ¹⁶And Jonathan Saul's son arose, and went to David into the wood, and strengthened his hand in God.

As soon as those two get together its sex sex sex.
 
   ¹⁷And he said unto him, Fear not: for the hand of Saul my father shall not find thee; and thou shalt be king over Israel, and I shall be next unto thee; and that also Saul my father knoweth.
   ¹⁸And they two made a covenant before the LORD: and David abode in the wood, and Jonathan went to his house.

Fuck they have turned into Robin Hood and Maid Marion
 

   ¹⁹Then came up the Ziphites to Saul to Gibeah, saying, Doth not David hide himself with us in strong holds in the wood, in the hill of Hachilah, which is on the south of Jeshimon?
   ²⁰Now therefore, O king, come down according to all the desire of thy soul to come down; and our part shall be to deliver him into the king's hand.
   ²¹And Saul said, Blessed be ye of the LORD; for ye have compassion on me

The belief Saul and David have that de lard will see them right because they believe in him, is a prime example that belief achieves nothing..


   ²²Go, I pray you, prepare yet, and know and see his place where his haunt is, and who hath seen him there: for it is told me that he dealeth very subtilly.
   ²³See therefore, and take knowledge of all the lurking places where he hideth himself, and come ye again to me with the certainty, and I will go with you: and it shall come to pass, if he be in the land, that I will search him out throughout all the thousands of Judah.
   ²⁴And they arose, and went to Ziph before Saul: but David and his men were in the wilderness of Maon, in the plain on the south of Jeshimon.
   ²⁵Saul also and his men went to seek him. And they told David; wherefore he came down into a rock, and abode in the wilderness of Maon. And when Saul heard that, he pursued after David in the wilderness of Maon.
   ²⁶And Saul went on this side of the mountain, and David and his men on that side of the mountain: and David made haste to get away for fear of Saul; for Saul and his men compassed David and his men round about to take them.
   ²⁷But there came a messenger unto Saul, saying, Haste thee, and come; for the Philistines have invaded the land.

I was thinking it was unwise to be involved in petty local squabbles when the Philistines were knocking at the door.
   ²⁸Wherefore Saul returned from pursuing after David, and went against the Philistines: therefore they called that place Selahammahlekoth.
   ²⁹And David went up from thence, and dwelt in strong holds at Engedi.

1 Samuel 22

This would have been posted almost two weeks ago, but I could not get on to my site. All seems ok now.

   ¹David therefore departed thence, and escaped to the cave Adullam: and when his brethren and all his father's house heard it, they went down thither to him.

So has David shat himself and run away, or was it was a cunning plan? Knowing the traditional behaviour of his people I must confess I really don't know. It could be either.

   ²And every one that was in distress, and every one that was in debt, and every one that was discontented, gathered themselves unto him; and he became a captain over them: and there were with him about four hundred men.

I can feel his pride over the centuries, David ,Captain of the malcontents.

   ³And David went thence to Mizpeh of Moab: and he said unto the king of Moab, Let my father and my mother, I pray thee, come forth, and be with you, till I know what God will do for me.

   ⁴And he brought them before the king of Moab: and they dwelt with him all the while that David was in the hold.

   ⁵And the prophet Gad said unto David, Abide not in the hold; depart, and get thee into the land of Judah. Then David departed, and came into the forest of Hareth.

   ⁶When Saul heard that David was discovered, and the men that were with him, (now Saul abode in Gibeah under a tree in Ramah, having his spear in his hand, and all his servants were standing about him;)

I can't help it, all I see is gay innuendo

   ⁷Then Saul said unto his servants that stood about him, Hear now, ye Benjamites; will the son of Jesse give every one of you fields and vineyards, and make you all captains of thousands, and captains of hundreds;

   ⁸That all of you have conspired against me, and there is none that sheweth me that my son hath made a league with the son of Jesse, and there is none of you that is sorry for me, or sheweth unto me that my son hath stirred up my servant against me, to lie in wait, as at this day?

   ⁹Then answered Doeg the Edomite, which was set over the servants of Saul, and said, I saw the son of Jesse coming to Nob, to Ahimelech the son of Ahitub.

Just as I read that a fly crawled over the word "to".......innuendo

   ¹⁰And he enquired of the LORD for him, and gave him victuals, and gave him the sword of Goliath the Philistine.

I have recently been accused of just mocking the bible...this mocks itself.

   ¹¹Then the king sent to call Ahimelech the priest, the son of Ahitub, and all his father's house, the priests that were in Nob: and they came all of them to the king.

Talk about LMAO.  Iam crying here...fuck it hurts.

   ¹²And Saul said, Hear now, thou son of Ahitub. And he answered, Here I am, my lord.

   ¹³And Saul said unto him, Why have ye conspired against me, thou and the son of Jesse, in that thou hast given him bread, and a sword, and hast enquired of God for him, that he should rise against me, to lie in wait, as at this day?

I need to pull myself together I just read "bread" as "head".

   ¹⁴Then Ahimelech answered the king, and said, And who is so faithful among all thy servants as David, which is the king's son in law, and goeth at thy bidding, and is honourable in thine house?

   ¹⁵Did I then begin to enquire of God for him? be it far from me: let not the king impute any thing unto his servant, nor to all the house of my father: for thy servant knew nothing of all this, less or more.
   ¹⁶And the king said, Thou shalt surely die, Ahimelech, thou, and all thy father's house.

   ¹⁷And the king said unto the footmen that stood about him, Turn, and slay the priests of the LORD: because their hand also is with David, and because they knew when he fled, and did not shew it to me. But the servants of the king would not put forth their hand to fall upon the priests of the LORD.

   ¹⁸And the king said to Doeg, Turn thou, and fall upon the priests. And Doeg the Edomite turned, and he fell upon the priests, and slew on that day fourscore and five persons that did wear a linen ephod.

So the magical apron of delard offered as much protection as I expected.

   ¹⁹And Nob, the city of the priests, smote he with the edge of the sword, both men and women, children and sucklings, and oxen, and asses, and sheep, with the edge of the sword.

Yes! there is nothing like a massacre of a whole city for gaining support.

   ²⁰And one of the sons of Ahimelech the son of Ahitub, named Abiathar, escaped, and fled after David.
   ²¹And Abiathar shewed David that Saul had slain the LORD's priests.

   ²²And David said unto Abiathar, I knew it that day, when Doeg the Edomite was there, that he would surely tell Saul: I have occasioned the death of all the persons of thy father's house.

   ²³Abide thou with me, fear not: for he that seeketh my life seeketh thy life: but with me thou shalt be in safeguard.

So David has about four hundred men(401) and expects to be victorious over an army that has just laid waste to a city.....