1 Samuel 19

 ¹And Saul spake to Jonathan his son, and to all his servants, that they should kill David.
 ²But Jonathan Saul's son delighted much in David: and Jonathan told David, saying, Saul my father seeketh to kill thee: now therefore, I pray thee, take heed to thyself until the morning, and abide in a secret place, and hide thyself:
 ³And I will go out and stand beside my father in the field where thou art, and I will commune with my father of thee; and what I see, that I will tell thee.

These are basic facts of life...Not all parents will like thier childrens freinds, but should they choose to try and intervene in the relationship, the child will inadvertantly choose thier freindship over thier relationship with thier parents. These facts are multiplied in intensity when the friend in question is a (potential) lover.
 
 ⁴And Jonathan spake good of David unto Saul his father, and said unto him, Let not the king sin against his servant, against David; because he hath not sinned against thee, and because his works have been to thee-ward very good:
 ⁵For he did put his life in his hand, and slew the Philistine, and the LORD wrought a great salvation for all Israel: thou sawest it, and didst rejoice: wherefore then wilt thou sin against innocent blood, to slay David without a cause?
 ⁶And Saul hearkened unto the voice of Jonathan: and Saul sware, As the LORD liveth, he shall not be slain.
 ⁷And Jonathan called David, and Jonathan shewed him all those things. And Jonathan brought David to Saul, and he was in his presence, as in times past.
 ⁸And there was war again: and David went out, and fought with the Philistines, and slew them with a great slaughter; and they fled from him.
 ⁹And the evil spirit from the LORD was upon Saul, as he sat in his house with his javelin in his hand: and David played with his hand.

"And the evil spirit from the LORD was upon Saul" There again with these "evil spirits"from de lard.



 ¹⁰And Saul sought to smite David even to the wall with the javelin: but he slipped away out of Saul's presence, and he smote the javelin into the wall: and David fled, and escaped that night.

"Saul sware, As the LORD liveth, he shall not be slain".So Saul's promises are as binding as de lards.
 ¹¹Saul also sent messengers unto David's house, to watch him, and to slay him in the morning: and Michal David's wife told him, saying, If thou save not thy life to night, to morrow thou shalt be slain.
 ¹²So Michal let David down through a window: and he went, and fled, and escaped.
 ¹³And Michal took an image, and laid it in the bed, and put a pillow of goats' hair for his bolster, and covered it with a cloth.
 ¹⁴And when Saul sent messengers to take David, she said, He is sick.
 ¹⁵And Saul sent the messengers again to see David, saying, Bring him up to me in the bed, that I may slay him. 

Is Saul senile,stoned or just lying when he said he would not slay David.
 
 ¹⁶And when the messengers were come in, behold, there was an image in the bed, with a pillow of goats' hair for his bolster.
 ¹⁷And Saul said unto Michal, Why hast thou deceived me so, and sent away mine enemy, that he is escaped? And Michal answered Saul, He said unto me, Let me go; why should I kill thee?
 ¹⁸So David fled, and escaped, and came to Samuel to Ramah, and told him all that Saul had done to him. And he and Samuel went and dwelt in Naioth.

 ¹⁹And it was told Saul, saying, Behold, David is at Naioth in Ramah.
 ²⁰And Saul sent messengers to take David: and when they saw the company of the prophets prophesying, and Samuel standing as appointed over them, the Spirit of God was upon the messengers of Saul, and they also prophesied.
 ²¹And when it was told Saul, he sent other messengers, and they prophesied likewise. And Saul sent messengers again the third time, and they prophesied also.
 ²²Then went he also to Ramah, and came to a great well that is in Sechu: and he asked and said, Where are Samuel and David? And one said, Behold, they be at Naioth in Ramah.
 ²³And he went thither to Naioth in Ramah: and the Spirit of God was upon him also, and he went on, and prophesied, until he came to Naioth in Ramah.
 ²⁴And he stripped off his clothes also, and prophesied before Samuel in like manner, and lay down naked all that day and all that night. Wherefore they say, Is Saul also among the prophets?

All this prophesieing, There must be some strong psychtropic plants growing around there.

1 Samuel 18

 ¹ After David had finished talking with Saul, Jonathan became one in spirit with David, and he loved him as himself.  
² From that day Saul kept David with him and did not let him return home to his family.  
³ And Jonathan made a covenant with David because he loved him as himself.
⁴ Jonathan took off the robe he was wearing and gave it to David, along with his tunic, and even his sword, his bow and his belt.

So now  have we moved on from the love affair between Samuel and Saul, to another.

 ⁵ Whatever mission Saul sent him on, David was so successful that Saul gave him a high rank in the army. This pleased all the troops, and Saul’s officers as well.
 ⁶ When the men were returning home after David had killed the Philistine, the women came out from all the towns of Israel to meet King Saul with singing and dancing, with joyful songs and with timbrels and lyres.
⁷ As they danced, they sang:
   “Saul has slain his thousands,
   and David his tens of thousands.”
 ⁸ Saul was very angry; this refrain displeased him greatly. “They have credited David with tens of thousands,” he thought, “but me with only thousands. What more can he get but the kingdom?” ⁹ And from that time on Saul kept a close eye on David.
 ¹⁰ The next day an evil spirit from God came forcefully on Saul. He was prophesying in his house, while David was playing the lyre, as he usually did. Saul had a spear in his hand ¹¹ and he hurled it, saying to himself, “I’ll pin David to the wall.” But David eluded him twice.

So de lard is sending evil spirits, in a while once the Romans get a hold on these scriptures they will blame the adversary Satan for sending "evil" Whereas in this instance at least, it is obvious that Saul was in a jealous rage.

 ¹² Saul was afraid of David, because the LORD was with David but had departed from Saul

So de lard is sending "evil spirits" to get Saul to kill David and yet at the same time is "with David".Alzheimers or schizophrenia?
 

¹³ So he sent David away from him and gave him command over a thousand men, and David led the troops in their campaigns.  
¹⁴ In everything he did he had great success, because the LORD was with him.

Because no general throughout the worlds history had any success without the backing of de lard, except for, the likes of Hannibal, Alexander,Julius Ceaser,Genghis Khan, Boadicea and Attila, to name but a few.
 
¹⁵ When Saul saw how successful he was, he was afraid of him.  
¹⁶ But all Israel and Judah loved David, because he led them in their campaigns.
 ¹⁷ Saul said to David, “Here is my older daughter Merab. I will give her to you in marriage; only serve me bravely and fight the battles of the LORD.” For Saul said to himself, “I will not raise a hand against him. Let the Philistines do that!”

Giving a gay guy a wife, really! Does he think he lives in the American bible belts?
 
 ¹⁸ But David said to Saul, “Who am I, and what is my family or my clan in Israel, that I should become the king’s son-in-law?” ¹⁹ So when the time came for Merab, Saul’s daughter, to be given to David, she was given in marriage to Adriel of Meholah.

 ²⁰ Now Saul’s daughter Michal was in love with David, and when they told Saul about it, he was pleased. 
Pleased? Probably because David thought it was Michael not Michal, I bet that was a shock on his wadding night.

²¹ “I will give her to him,” he thought, “so that she may be a snare to him and so that the hand of the Philistines may be against him.” So Saul said to David, “Now you have a second opportunity to become my son-in-law.”
 ²² Then Saul ordered his attendants: “Speak to David privately and say, ‘Look, the king likes you, and his attendants all love you; now become his son-in-law.’”
 ²³ They repeated these words to David. But David said, “Do you think it is a small matter to become the king’s son-in-law? I’m only a poor man and little known.”
 ²⁴ When Saul’s servants told him what David had said,
²⁵ Saul replied, “Say to David, ‘The king wants no other price for the bride than a hundred Philistine foreskins, to take revenge on his enemies.’” Saul’s plan was to have David fall by the hands of the Philistines.

A hundred Philistine foreskins? Showing his penis obsession again. What is he going to do with them, have them dried and made into chain mail underwear?
 

 ²⁶ When the attendants told David these things, he was pleased to become the king’s son-in-law.
A gay man sent to handle a hundred penises, what a chore that must have been? So before the allotted time elapsed,  
²⁷ David took his men with him and went out and killed two hundred Philistines and brought back their foreskins.  
Did he really  kill them for this, or just give a quick chomp at an appropriate moment?


 ²⁸ When Saul realized that the LORD was with David and that his daughter Michal loved David,
²⁹ Saul became still more afraid of him, and he remained his enemy the rest of his days.
 ³⁰ The Philistine commanders continued to go out to battle, and as often as they did, David met with more success than the rest of Saul’s officers, and his name became well known.

1 Samuel 17

 ¹Now the Philistines gathered together their armies to battle, and were gathered together at Shochoh, which belongeth to Judah, and pitched between Shochoh and Azekah, in Ephesdammim.
 ²And Saul and the men of Israel were gathered together, and pitched by the valley of Elah, and set the battle in array against the Philistines.

Saul??
Saul is leading the Israelite army.........did de lard not order his impeachment? Of course this has nothing to do with the breakup of Sam and Saul. And don't forget how this underlines the power   impotence of de lard.  
 
 ³And the Philistines stood on a mountain on the one side, and Israel stood on a mountain on the other side: and there was a valley between them.
 ⁴And there went out a champion out of the camp of the Philistines, named Goliath, of Gath, whose height was six cubits and a span.

Six cubits and a span? A cubit at the time was somewhere around 18-20 inches and I assume a span is a hands width so Goliath is apparently just over 3 metres or 10-11 feet tall in english money, here we go againa possible fact exagerated out of all proportion till it just becomes ridiculous.
 Even if he was wearing stilletto's with twelve inch heels and stood on a box he would still be too short
Is this where we get the phrase  "tell a tall story", from

 ⁵And he had an helmet of brass upon his head, and he was armed with a coat of mail; and the weight of the coat was five thousand shekels of brass.
 ⁶And he had greaves of brass upon his legs, and a target of brass between his shoulders.
 ⁷And the staff of his spear was like a weaver's beam; and his spear's head weighed six hundred shekels of iron: and one bearing a shield went before him.

Okay, okay he was a big strong man,his butchness outclassed the butchest man in butch land.
 
 ⁸And he stood and cried unto the armies of Israel, and said unto them, Why are ye come out to set your battle in array? am not I a Philistine, and ye servants to Saul? choose you a man for you, and let him come down to me.
 ⁹If he be able to fight with me, and to kill me, then will we be your servants: but if I prevail against him, and kill him, then shall ye be our servants, and serve us.
 ¹⁰And the Philistine said, I defy the armies of Israel this day; give me a man, that we may fight together.
 ¹¹When Saul and all Israel heard those words of the Philistine, they were dismayed, and greatly afraid.
 ¹²Now David was the son of that Ephrathite of Bethlehemjudah, whose name was Jesse; and he had eight sons: and the man went among men for an old man in the days of Saul.
 ¹³And the three eldest sons of Jesse went and followed Saul to the battle: and the names of his three sons that went to the battle were Eliab the firstborn, and next unto him Abinadab, and the third Shammah.
 ¹⁴And David was the youngest: and the three eldest followed Saul.
 ¹⁵But David went and returned from Saul to feed his father's sheep at Bethlehem.
 ¹⁶And the Philistine drew near morning and evening, and presented himself forty days.
 ¹⁷And Jesse said unto David his son, Take now for thy brethren an ephah of this parched corn, and these ten loaves, and run to the camp of thy brethren;
 ¹⁸And carry these ten cheeses unto the captain of their thousand, and look how thy brethren fare, and take their pledge.
 ¹⁹Now Saul, and they, and all the men of Israel, were in the valley of Elah, fighting with the Philistines.
 ²⁰And David rose up early in the morning, and left the sheep with a keeper, and took, and went, as Jesse had commanded him; and he came to the trench, as the host was going forth to the fight, and shouted for the battle.
 ²¹For Israel and the Philistines had put the battle in array, army against army.
 ²²And David left his carriage in the hand of the keeper of the carriage, and ran into the army, and came and saluted his brethren.
 ²³And as he talked with them, behold, there came up the champion, the Philistine of Gath, Goliath by name, out of the armies of the Philistines, and spake according to the same words: and David heard them.
 ²⁴And all the men of Israel, when they saw the man, fled from him, and were sore afraid. 

These brave men of Israel, always ready to go into a defeated city and murder the elderly,the male and the young, sometimes raping and or murdering and or enslaving the young virgin girls. But faced with on oversized, armed man they shit themselves.


 ²⁵And the men of Israel said, Have ye seen this man that is come up? surely to defy Israel is he come up: and it shall be, that the man who killeth him, the king will enrich him with great riches, and will give him his daughter, and make his father's house free in Israel.
 ²⁶And David spake to the men that stood by him, saying, What shall be done to the man that killeth this Philistine, and taketh away the reproach from Israel? for who is this uncircumcised Philistine, that he should defy the armies of the living God?
 ²⁷And the people answered him after this manner, saying, So shall it be done to the man that killeth him.
 ²⁸And Eliab his eldest brother heard when he spake unto the men; and Eliab's anger was kindled against David, and he said, Why camest thou down hither? and with whom hast thou left those few sheep in the wilderness? I know thy pride, and the naughtiness of thine heart; for thou art come down that thou mightest see the battle.

A glimmer of reality....two brothers bitching at each other.
 
 ²⁹And David said, What have I now done? Is there not a cause?
 ³⁰And he turned from him toward another, and spake after the same manner: and the people answered him again after the former manner.
 ³¹And when the words were heard which David spake, they rehearsed them before Saul: and he sent for him.
 ³²And David said to Saul, Let no man's heart fail because of him; thy servant will go and fight with this Philistine.
 ³³And Saul said to David, Thou art not able to go against this Philistine to fight with him: for thou art but a youth, and he a man of war from his youth.
 ³⁴And David said unto Saul, Thy servant kept his father's sheep, and there came a lion, and a bear, and took a lamb out of the flock:

A sheep was taken by a lion, AND a bear!Wow!............If two vicious and powerful predators can work together perhaps there is hope for the human race. Or on the other hand it could be complete bollocks.
 
 ³⁵And I went out after him, and smote him, and delivered it out of his mouth: and when he arose against me, I caught him by his beard, and smote him, and slew him.

Caught him by his beard, hmmm.......Young man, hungry lion, close contact, I am really not convinced.

 ³⁶Thy servant slew both the lion and the bear: and this uncircumcised Philistine shall be as one of them, seeing he hath defied the armies of the living God.

Defiled? That implies some unsolicited sodomy at least, not just a little light taunting.
 
 ³⁷David said moreover, The LORD that delivered me out of the paw of the lion, and out of the paw of the bear, he will deliver me out of the hand of this Philistine. And Saul said unto David, Go, and the LORD be with thee. 

So the deal is a one against one fight to the death for total win, total surrender. Knowing this Saul entrusts this to a young lad, a lad so young in fact, he still thinks playing with his sling, is more rewarding than playing with his penis,

 ³⁸And Saul armed David with his armour, and he put an helmet of brass upon his head; also he armed him with a coat of mail.
 ³⁹And David girded his sword upon his armour, and he assayed to go; for he had not proved it. And David said unto Saul, I cannot go with these; for I have not proved them. And David put them off him.
 ⁴⁰And he took his staff in his hand, and chose him five smooth stones out of the brook, and put them in a shepherd's bag which he had, even in a scrip; and his sling was in his hand: and he drew near to the Philistine.
 ⁴¹And the Philistine came on and drew near unto David; and the man that bare the shield went before him.
 ⁴²And when the Philistine looked about, and saw David, he disdained him: for he was but a youth, and ruddy, and of a fair countenance.
 ⁴³And the Philistine said unto David, Am I a dog, that thou comest to me with staves? And the Philistine cursed David by his gods.
 ⁴⁴And the Philistine said to David, Come to me, and I will give thy flesh unto the fowls of the air, and to the beasts of the field.
 ⁴⁵Then said David to the Philistine, Thou comest to me with a sword, and with a spear, and with a shield: but I come to thee in the name of the LORD of hosts, the God of the armies of Israel, whom thou hast defied.

Are we really sure David was an Israelite, maybe it is just the folly of youth, but he seems to show culturally uncharachteristic bravery.

 ⁴⁶This day will the LORD deliver thee into mine hand; and I will smite thee, and take thine head from thee; and I will give the carcases of the host of the Philistines this day unto the fowls of the air, and to the wild beasts of the earth; that all the earth may know that there is a God in Israel.
 ⁴⁷And all this assembly shall know that the LORD saveth not with sword and spear: for the battle is the LORD's, and he will give you into our hands.
 ⁴⁸And it came to pass, when the Philistine arose, and came, and drew nigh to meet David, that David hastened, and ran toward the army to meet the Philistine.
 ⁴⁹And David put his hand in his bag, and took thence a stone, and slang it, and smote the Philistine in his forehead, that the stone sunk into his forehead; and he fell upon his face to the earth.
 ⁵⁰So David prevailed over the Philistine with a sling and with a stone, and smote the Philistine, and slew him; but there was no sword in the hand of David.
 ⁵¹Therefore David ran, and stood upon the Philistine, and took his sword, and drew it out of the sheath thereof, and slew him, and cut off his head therewith. And when the Philistines saw their champion was dead, they fled.

Maybe he is an Israelite after all, slaying an unconscious enemy is what we have come to expect.
 
 ⁵²And the men of Israel and of Judah arose, and shouted, and pursued the Philistines, until thou come to the valley, and to the gates of Ekron. And the wounded of the Philistines fell down by the way to Shaaraim, even unto Gath, and unto Ekron.

Again the Israelites show themselves not to be trusted.
 
 ⁵³And the children of Israel returned from chasing after the Philistines, and they spoiled their tents.
 ⁵⁴And David took the head of the Philistine, and brought it to Jerusalem; but he put his armour in his tent.
 ⁵⁵And when Saul saw David go forth against the Philistine, he said unto Abner, the captain of the host, Abner, whose son is this youth? And Abner said, As thy soul liveth, O king, I cannot tell.
 ⁵⁶And the king said, Enquire thou whose son the stripling is.
 ⁵⁷And as David returned from the slaughter of the Philistine, Abner took him, and brought him before Saul with the head of the Philistine in his hand.
 ⁵⁸And Saul said to him, Whose son art thou, thou young man? And David answered, I am the son of thy servant Jesse the Bethlehemite.