1 Samuel 9

¹Now there was a man of Benjamin, whose name was Kish, the son of Abiel, the son of Zeror, the son of Bechorath, the son of Aphiah, a Benjamite, a mighty man of power.

²And he had a son, whose name was Saul, a choice young man, and a goodly: and there was not among the children of Israel a goodlier person than he: from his shoulders and upward he was higher than any of the people.

If someone said to me "He is a choice young man, he is very goodly" I would assume they were saying "He is gay"

³And the asses of Kish Saul's father were lost. And Kish said to Saul his son, Take now one of the servants with thee, and arise, go seek the asses.

There is another phrase that may have developed into a different meaning over time. But why is a "powerful"man sending his son out to find these asses he did not have the power to stop from either wandering or being stolen?

⁴And he passed through mount Ephraim, and passed through the land of Shalisha, but they found them not: then they passed through the land of Shalim, and there they were not: and he passed through the land of the Benjamites, but they found them not.

⁵And when they were come to the land of Zuph, Saul said to his servant that was with him, Come, and let us return; lest my father leave caring for the asses, and take thought for us.

⁶And he said unto him, Behold now, there is in this city a man of God, and he is an honourable man; all that he saith cometh surely to pass: now let us go thither; peradventure he can shew us our way that we should go.

⁷Then said Saul to his servant, But, behold, if we go, what shall we bring the man? for the bread is spent in our vessels, and there is not a present to bring to the man of God: what have we?

So the servant suggests that Sam can tell where these asses are, and then mentions he must be paid for doing the work of de lard. Perhaps goodly does not mean gay but means stupid.

⁸And the servant answered Saul again, and said, Behold, I have here at hand the fourth part of a shekel of silver: that will I give to the man of God, to tell us our way.

Again, the servant has money but the son of a "man of power" just has half shares in some stale bread. I smell some thing fishy here, someone, somewhere, is conning someone.

⁹(Beforetime in Israel, when a man went to enquire of God, thus he spake, Come, and let us go to the seer: for he that is now called a Prophet was beforetime called a Seer.)

¹⁰Then said Saul to his servant, Well said; come, let us go. So they went unto the city where the man of God was.

¹¹And as they went up the hill to the city, they found young maidens going out to draw water, and said unto them, Is the seer here?

¹²And they answered them, and said, He is; behold, he is before you: make haste now, for he came to day to the city; for there is a sacrifice of the people to day in the high place:

¹³As soon as ye be come into the city, ye shall straightway find him, before he go up to the high place to eat: for the people will not eat until he come, because he doth bless the sacrifice; and afterwards they eat that be bidden. Now therefore get you up; for about this time ye shall find him.

¹⁴And they went up into the city: and when they were come into the city, behold, Samuel came out against them, for to go up to the high place.

¹⁵Now the LORD had told Samuel in his ear a day before Saul came, saying,

¹⁶To morrow about this time I will send thee a man out of the land of Benjamin, and thou shalt anoint him to be captain over my people Israel, that he may save my people out of the hand of the Philistines: for I have looked upon my people, because their cry is come unto me.

Another example of the power of prophecy written down after the fact. As I have already asked "Why did de lard with all his infinite power and wisdom, not harm the philistines(apart from being a major pain in the arse) when they had the ark of the covenant in their possession.

You remember the ark, the symbol that de lard was never going to be a bastard to his chosen people again. That he got Moses to make with him, after he had broken the same covenant he made with Abraham

The golden object that requires special handling or it will cause the death of all that touch it.

The artifact that fell into philistine hands and was retained for seven months killing not one philistine, but did manage to make a statuette of Moloch fall over.

The same box that almost immediately killed 50,000 Israelites on its return to its rightful place.

What was that again about that covenant

¹⁷And when Samuel saw Saul, the LORD said unto him, Behold the man whom I spake to thee of! this same shall reign over my people.

¹⁸Then Saul drew near to Samuel in the gate, and said, Tell me, I pray thee, where the seer's house is.

¹⁹And Samuel answered Saul, and said, I am the seer: go up before me unto the high place; for ye shall eat with me to day, and to morrow I will let thee go, and will tell thee all that is in thine heart.

My my, Sam is a fast worker. First dinner, then you are spending the night with me.

²⁰And as for thine asses that were lost three days ago, set not thy mind on them; for they are found. And on whom is all the desire of Israel? Is it not on thee, and on all thy father's house?

So the asses are back home and the neo king of Israel says Israel desires Saul. Perhaps leviticus 18:22 had not yet been written.

²¹And Saul answered and said, Am not I a Benjamite, of the smallest of the tribes of Israel? and my family the least of all the families of the tribe of Benjamin? wherefore then speakest thou so to me?

²²And Samuel took Saul and his servant, and brought them into the parlour, and made them sit in the chiefest place among them that were bidden, which were about thirty persons.

The cheifiest place? This has got to be the campest chapter yet in all the books Iced so far.

²³And Samuel said unto the cook, Bring the portion which I gave thee, of which I said unto thee, Set it by thee.

²⁴And the cook took up the shoulder, and that which was upon it, and set it before Saul. And Samuel said, Behold that which is left! set it before thee, and eat: for unto this time hath it been kept for thee since I said, I have invited the people. So Saul did eat with Samuel that day.

Eat his Portion ?

²⁵And when they were come down from the high place into the city, Samuel communed with Saul upon the top of the house.

²⁶And they arose early: and it came to pass about the spring of the day, that Samuel called Saul to the top of the house, saying, Up, that I may send thee away. And Saul arose, and they went out both of them, he and Samuel, abroad.

²⁷And as they were going down to the end of the city, Samuel said to Saul, Bid the servant pass on before us, (and he passed on), but stand thou still a while, that I may shew thee the word of God.

What was all this about de lard not liking gay sex?

1 Samuel 8

¹And it came to pass, when Samuel was old, that he made his sons judges over Israel.

I suspect the words "And it came to pass" actually mean the following is bullshit.

²Now the name of his firstborn was Joel; and the name of his second, Abiah: they were judges in Beersheba.

³And his sons walked not in his ways, but turned aside after lucre, and took bribes, and perverted judgment.

There are more than a few like that nowadays

⁴Then all the elders of Israel gathered themselves together, and came to Samuel unto Ramah,

⁵And said unto him, Behold, thou art old, and thy sons walk not in thy ways: now make us a king to judge us like all the nations.

⁶But the thing displeased Samuel, when they said, Give us a king to judge us. And Samuel prayed unto the LORD.

⁷And the LORD said unto Samuel, Hearken unto the voice of the people in all that they say unto thee: for they have not rejected thee, but they have rejected me, that I should not reign over them.

Have I got this right.

Sam, invoking his right of nepotism gives his sons the best jobs he can and they prove to be corrupt. The people complain to him and he asks de lard for his take on the matter. De lard decides that it is all about him.

Now if that scenario doesn't convince anyone that even if the hateful bastard did exist then he is as batshit crazy as it's possible to be, and then some.

Or I think more realistically it's Sam's way of saying "Fuck off and leave me alone, I'm an old man you know"

⁸According to all the works which they have done since the day that I brought them up out of Egypt even unto this day, wherewith they have forsaken me, and served other gods, so do they also unto thee.

⁹Now therefore hearken unto their voice: howbeit yet protest solemnly unto them, and shew them the manner of the king that shall reign over them.

So it is all the fault of the people but Sam must listen to them ?

¹⁰And Samuel told all the words of the LORD unto the people that asked of him a king.

¹¹And he said, This will be the manner of the king that shall reign over you: He will take your sons, and appoint them for himself, for his chariots, and to be his horsemen; and some shall run before his chariots.

¹²And he will appoint him captains over thousands, and captains over fifties; and will set them to ear his ground, and to reap his harvest, and to make his instruments of war, and instruments of his chariots.

¹³And he will take your daughters to be confectionaries, and to be cooks, and to be bakers.

Note. not confectioners, How sweet.

¹⁴And he will take your fields, and your vineyards, and your oliveyards, even the best of them, and give them to his servants.

¹⁵And he will take the tenth of your seed, and of your vineyards, and give to his officers, and to his servants.

¹⁶And he will take your menservants, and your maidservants, and your goodliest young men, and your asses, and put them to his work.

¹⁷He will take the tenth of your sheep: and ye shall be his servants.

¹⁸And ye shall cry out in that day because of your king which ye shall have chosen you; and the LORD will not hear you in that day.

¹⁹Nevertheless the people refused to obey the voice of Samuel; and they said, Nay; but we will have a king over us;

²⁰That we also may be like all the nations; and that our king may judge us, and go out before us, and fight our battles.

Is this democracy trying to raise it's head, a choice to make an inherently corrupt priesthood with corrupt judges or a designated "King" as all south park watchers will know The choice is always between a giant douche-bag and a Turd sandwich

²¹And Samuel heard all the words of the people, and he rehearsed them in the ears of the LORD.

Is that because the all knowing .all seeing one managed to miss a major event in the social development of his chosen people?

²²And the LORD said to Samuel, Hearken unto their voice, and make them a king. And Samuel said unto the men of Israel, Go ye every man unto his city.

1 Samuel 7

¹And the men of Kirjathjearim came, and fetched up the ark of the LORD, and brought it into the house of Abinadab in the hill, and sanctified Eleazar his son to keep the ark of the LORD.

²And it came to pass, while the ark abode in Kirjathjearim, that the time was long; for it was twenty years: and all the house of Israel lamented after the LORD.

³And Samuel spake unto all the house of Israel, saying, If ye do return unto the LORD with all your hearts, then put away the strange gods and Ashtaroth from among you, and prepare your hearts unto the LORD, and serve him only: and he will deliver you out of the hand of the Philistines.

⁴Then the children of Israel did put away Baalim and Ashtaroth, and served the LORD only.

For a god that professes to be the only god there sure are a lot of others he seems to feel are on equal ground to him. Why else would he always want them to be put away and their idols destroyed?

⁵And Samuel said, Gather all Israel to Mizpeh, and I will pray for you unto the LORD.

⁶And they gathered together to Mizpeh, and drew water, and poured it out before the LORD, and fasted on that day, and said there, We have sinned against the LORD. And Samuel judged the children of Israel in Mizpeh.

⁷And when the Philistines heard that the children of Israel were gathered together to Mizpeh, the lords of the Philistines went up against Israel. And when the children of Israel heard it, they were afraid of the Philistines.

⁸And the children of Israel said to Samuel, Cease not to cry unto the LORD our God for us, that he will save us out of the hand of the Philistines.

Things may not have been so bad if de lard had the foresight not to kill fifty thousand when they recovered the ark

⁹And Samuel took a sucking lamb, and offered it for a burnt offering wholly unto the LORD: and Samuel cried unto the LORD for Israel; and the LORD heard him.

¹⁰And as Samuel was offering up the burnt offering, the Philistines drew near to battle against Israel: but the LORD thundered with a great thunder on that day upon the Philistines, and discomfited them; and they were smitten before Israel.

Real thunder? Kill a lamb and it rains now surely if that where true then israel would not be the arid place it is. Or if de lard actually did exist, and looked after his chosen ones.

¹¹And the men of Israel went out of Mizpeh, and pursued the Philistines, and smote them, until they came under Bethcar.

¹²Then Samuel took a stone, and set it between Mizpeh and Shen, and called the name of it Ebenezer, saying, Hitherto hath the LORD helped us.

¹³So the Philistines were subdued, and they came no more into the coast of Israel: and the hand of the LORD was against the Philistines all the days of Samuel.

¹⁴And the cities which the Philistines had taken from Israel were restored to Israel, from Ekron even unto Gath; and the coasts thereof did Israel deliver out of the hands of the Philistines. And there was peace between Israel and the Amorites.

So there we have it , yet another unverifiable account of a battle of unknown size.

Now that is over we have the end tag

¹⁵And Samuel judged Israel all the days of his life.

¹⁶And he went from year to year in circuit to Bethel, and Gilgal, and Mizpeh, and judged Israel in all those places.

¹⁷And his return was to Ramah; for there was his house; and there he judged Israel; and there he built an altar unto the LORD.

1 Samuel 6

1 And the ark of the lord was in the country of the Philistines seven months.

²And the Philistines called for the priests and the diviners, saying, What shall we do to the ark of the LORD? tell us wherewith we shall send it to his place.

³And they said, If ye send away the ark of the God of Israel, send it not empty; but in any wise return him a trespass offering: then ye shall be healed, and it shall be known to you why his hand is not removed from you.

⁴Then said they, What shall be the trespass offering which we shall return to him? They answered, Five golden emerods, and five golden mice, according to the number of the lords of the Philistines: for one plague was on you all, and on your lords.

There has to be a cultural insult there: that has been lost over the centuries

⁵Wherefore ye shall make images of your emerods, and images of your mice that mar the land; and ye shall give glory unto the God of Israel: peradventure he will lighten his hand from off you, and from off your gods, and from off your land.

Not just any old emorods but YOUR emorods. So how does one get an image to make the image of ones own emorods ? Does one struggle with a polished metal plate as a mirror, or does one use mud to make a cast ? Perhaps they had access to latex back then ?


⁶ Wherefore then do ye harden your hearts, as the Egyptians and Pharaoh hardened their hearts? when he had wrought wonderfully among them, did they not let the people go, and they departed?

If the events in exodus were as described and the philistines knew of it why has no actual record ever been found only possible loose connections

⁷Now therefore make a new cart, and take two milch kine, on which there hath come no yoke, and tie the kine to the cart, and bring their calves home from them:

⁸And take the ark of the LORD, and lay it upon the cart; and put the jewels of gold, which ye return him for a trespass offering, in a coffer by the side thereof; and send it away, that it may go.

Still no reports of the Ark vaporizing it's handler's

⁹And see, if it goeth up by the way of his own coast to Bethshemesh, then he hath done us this great evil: but if not, then we shall know that it is not his hand that smote us: it was a chance that happened to us.

¹⁰And the men did so; and took two milch kine, and tied them to the cart, and shut up their calves at home:

You would think that the cows would want to be back with their calves, left to their own devices, they surely would have , but were they left to their own devices? Cows are not exactly known for outstanding intelligence and memory, mostly they are known for tasting good. At the least, the Philistines know if the Israelites god is to be placated it needs to involve some pain and suffering so separating two calves from their mothers will hopefully suffice, but somehow, knowing what a total bastard de lard is, I very much doubt it

/a>

¹¹And they laid the ark of the LORD upon the cart, and the coffer with the mice of gold and the images of their emerods.

¹²And the kine took the straight way to the way of Bethshemesh, and went along the highway, lowing as they went, and turned not aside to the right hand or to the left; and the lords of the Philistines went after them unto the border of Bethshemesh.

¹³And they of Bethshemesh were reaping their wheat harvest in the valley: and they lifted up their eyes, and saw the ark, and rejoiced to see it.

¹⁴And the cart came into the field of Joshua, a Bethshemite, and stood there, where there was a great stone: and they clave the wood of the cart, and offered the kine a burnt offering unto the LORD.

¹⁵And the Levites took down the ark of the LORD, and the coffer that was with it, wherein the jewels of gold were, and put them on the great stone: and the men of Bethshemesh offered burnt offerings and sacrificed sacrifices the same day unto the LORD.

'Cos de lard can't just be satisfied his magic box came home he has to have some dead animals burnt!

¹⁶And when the five lords of the Philistines had seen it, they returned to Ekron the same day.

¹⁷And these are the golden emerods which the Philistines returned for a trespass offering unto the LORD; for Ashdod one, for Gaza one, for Askelon one, for Gath one, for Ekron one;

¹⁸And the golden mice, according to the number of all the cities of the Philistines belonging to the five lords, both of fenced cities, and of country villages, even unto the great stone of Abel, whereon they set down the ark of the LORD: which stone remaineth unto this day in the field of Joshua, the Bethshemite.

¹⁹And he smote the men of Bethshemesh, because they had looked into the ark of the LORD, even he smote of the people fifty thousand and threescore and ten men: and the people lamented, because the LORD had smitten many of the people with a great slaughter.

So the Philistines had the ark for seven months and suffered no ill fates,(apart from piles) and the levites,the people charged with keeping it, get it back, and fifty thousand locals drop dead.

Was it de lard being a total bastard or were the Philistines clever and seeded the ark or the cows with some virulent disease? Anthrax would be possible.

Might explain why no one accompanied the cows and why the calves were kept away from their mothers.

²⁰And the men of Bethshemesh said, Who is able to stand before this holy LORD God? and to whom shall he go up from us?
²¹And they sent messengers to the inhabitants of Kirjathjearim, saying, The Philistines have brought again the ark of the LORD; come ye down, and fetch it up to you.

Y'know I smell something and I don't think its coming from those cows.