1 Samuel 5

¹And the Philistines took the ark of God, and brought it from Ebenezer unto Ashdod.

²When the Philistines took the ark of God, they brought it into the house of Dagon, and set it by Dagon.

They knew not to touch it then or has some of the gold worn away and it no longer is the Leyden jar it once was ?

³And when they of Ashdod arose early on the morrow, behold, Dagon was fallen upon his face to the earth before the ark of the LORD. And they took Dagon, and set him in his place again.

⁴And when they arose early on the morrow morning, behold, Dagon was fallen upon his face to the ground before the ark of the LORD; and the head of Dagon and both the palms of his hands were cut off upon the threshold; only the stump of Dagon was left to him.

⁵Therefore neither the priests of Dagon, nor any that come into Dagon's house, tread on the threshold of Dagon in Ashdod unto this day.

So this is a show of de lards almighty power piles, more likely induced by a poor diet...need more roughage boys and a statue falling over. But doesn't some other fish god turn up later in this tripe?

⁶But the hand of the LORD was heavy upon them of Ashdod, and he destroyed them, and smote them with emerods, even Ashdod and the coasts thereof.

For those that don't know emerods is an archaic spelling of haemorrhoids that's piles. Something that as an all year round biker I am supposed to suffer from. Not so far but if I did I think they would be a pain in the arse.

⁷And when the men of Ashdod saw that it was so, they said, The ark of the God of Israel shall not abide with us: for his hand is sore upon us, and upon Dagon our god.

⁸They sent therefore and gathered all the lords of the Philistines unto them, and said, What shall we do with the ark of the God of Israel? And they answered, Let the ark of the God of Israel be carried about unto Gath. And they carried the ark of the God of Israel about thither.

Why not just destroy it?

⁹And it was so, that, after they had carried it about, the hand of the LORD was against the city with a very great destruction: and he smote the men of the city, both small and great, and they had emerods in their secret parts.

Where else?

¹⁰Therefore they sent the ark of God to Ekron. And it came to pass, as the ark of God came to Ekron, that the Ekronites cried out, saying, They have brought about the ark of the God of Israel to us, to slay us and our people.

¹¹So they sent and gathered together all the lords of the Philistines, and said, Send away the ark of the God of Israel, and let it go again to his own place, that it slay us not, and our people: for there was a deadly destruction throughout all the city; the hand of God was very heavy there.

I don't buy it As I said earlier the piles were no doubt brought on by lack of roughage why? Maybe they were trapped inside a city that was besieged.

¹²And the men that died not were smitten with the emerods: and the cry of the city went up to heaven.
These questions and more answered in the next exciting instalment of samuel and the grapes

1 Samuel 4

¹And the word of Samuel came to all Israel. Now Israel went out against the Philistines to battle, and pitched beside Ebenezer: and the Philistines pitched in Aphek.

²And the Philistines put themselves in array against Israel: and when they joined battle, Israel was smitten before the Philistines: and they slew of the army in the field about four thousand men.

Not going too well then boy's!

³And when the people were come into the camp, the elders of Israel said, Wherefore hath the LORD smitten us to day before the Philistines? Let us fetch the ark of the covenant of the LORD out of Shiloh unto us, that, when it cometh among us, it may save us out of the hand of our enemies.

Good idea! Fetch the magic box.

⁴So the people sent to Shiloh, that they might bring from thence the ark of the covenant of the LORD of hosts, which dwelleth between the cherubims: and the two sons of Eli, Hophni and Phinehas, were there with the ark of the covenant of God.

Two fine upstanding members of the congregation

⁵And when the ark of the covenant of the LORD came into the camp, all Israel shouted with a great shout, so that the earth rang again.

⁶And when the Philistines heard the noise of the shout, they said, What meaneth the noise of this great shout in the camp of the Hebrews? And they understood that the ark of the LORD was come into the camp.

⁷And the Philistines were afraid, for they said, God is come into the camp. And they said, Woe unto us! for there hath not been such a thing heretofore.

If they truly feared the Hebrew god the would have worshipped him

⁸Woe unto us! who shall deliver us out of the hand of these mighty Gods? these are the Gods that smote the Egyptians with all the plagues in the wilderness.

I think the laughter they heard from the camp was mis-interpreted

⁹Be strong and quit yourselves like men, O ye Philistines, that ye be not servants unto the Hebrews, as they have been to you: quit yourselves like men, and fight.

¹⁰And the Philistines fought, and Israel was smitten, and they fled every man into his tent: and there was a very great slaughter; for there fell of Israel thirty thousand footmen.

Just goes to show, when you put your faith in de lard.....he will shit on you from a great hight.

¹¹And the ark of God was taken; and the two sons of Eli, Hophni and Phinehas, were slain.

This is one of the so called prophesies of the bible. Written after the fact.

¹²And there ran a man of Benjamin out of the army, and came to Shiloh the same day with his clothes rent, and with earth upon his head.

Earth or godshit?

¹³And when he came, lo, Eli sat upon a seat by the wayside watching: for his heart trembled for the ark of God. And when the man came into the city, and told it, all the city cried out.

Because a gold plated wooden box meant more to him than his sons.

¹⁴And when Eli heard the noise of the crying, he said, What meaneth the noise of this tumult? And the man came in hastily, and told Eli.

I can't help but think if Eli was a philistine and the Hebrews had won the battle Eli would have found out what the noise was just before he lost his head.

¹⁵Now Eli was ninety and eight years old; and his eyes were dim, that he could not see.

¹⁶And the man said unto Eli, I am he that came out of the army, and I fled to day out of the army. And he said, What is there done, my son?

¹⁷And the messenger answered and said, Israel is fled before the Philistines, and there hath been also a great slaughter among the people, and thy two sons also, Hophni and Phinehas, are dead, and the ark of God is taken.

¹⁸And it came to pass, when he made mention of the ark of God, that he fell from off the seat backward by the side of the gate, and his neck brake, and he died: for he was an old man, and heavy. And he had judged Israel forty years.

¹⁹And his daughter in law, Phinehas' wife, was with child, near to be delivered: and when she heard the tidings that the ark of God was taken, and that her father in law and her husband were dead, she bowed herself and travailed; for her pains came upon her.

²⁰And about the time of her death the women that stood by her said unto her, Fear not; for thou hast born a son. But she answered not, neither did she regard it.

²¹And she named the child Ichabod, saying, The glory is departed from Israel: because the ark of God was taken, and because of her father in law and her husband.

²²And she said, The glory is departed from Israel: for the ark of God is taken.

Fuck all the people that died, we lost our special box

1 Samuel 3

¹And the child Samuel ministered unto the LORD before Eli. And the word of the LORD was precious in those days; there was no open vision.

²And it came to pass at that time, when Eli was laid down in his place, and his eyes began to wax dim, that he could not see;

³And ere the lamp of God went out in the temple of the LORD, where the ark of God was, and Samuel was laid down to sleep;

I wonder how gods lamp is different from anyone else's.....made of gold no doubt!

⁴That the LORD called Samuel: and he answered, Here am I.

⁵And he ran unto Eli, and said, Here am I; for thou calledst me. And he said, I called not; lie down again. And he went and lay down

Do you think he would not recognise a voice he had heard for years?

⁶And the LORD called yet again, Samuel. And Samuel arose and went to Eli, and said, Here am I; for thou didst call me. And he answered, I called not, my son; lie down again

Yes. He is fucking with the boy. But I am glad to say, not in the catholic way.

⁷Now Samuel did not yet know the LORD, neither was the word of the LORD yet revealed unto him.

⁸And the LORD called Samuel again the third time. And he arose and went to Eli, and said, Here am I; for thou didst call me. And Eli perceived that the LORD had called the child.

Eli realised he was unable to fool the boy without telling who his poorly disguised voice was supposed to be.

⁹Therefore Eli said unto Samuel, Go, lie down: and it shall be, if he call thee, that thou shalt say, Speak, LORD; for thy servant heareth. So Samuel went and lay down in his place.

¹⁰And the LORD came, and stood, and called as at other times, Samuel, Samuel. Then Samuel answered, Speak; for thy servant heareth.

¹¹And the LORD said to Samuel, Behold, I will do a thing in Israel, at which both the ears of every one that heareth it shall tingle.

¹²In that day I will perform against Eli all things which I have spoken concerning his house: when I begin, I will also make an end.

¹³For I have told him that I will judge his house for ever for the iniquity which he knoweth; because his sons made themselves vile, and he restrained them not.

¹⁴And therefore I have sworn unto the house of Eli, that the iniquity of Eli's house shall not be purged with sacrifice nor offering for ever.

¹⁵And Samuel lay until the morning, and opened the doors of the house of the LORD. And Samuel feared to shew Eli the vision.

¹⁶Then Eli called Samuel, and said, Samuel, my son. And he answered, Here am I.

¹⁷And he said, What is the thing that the LORD hath said unto thee? I pray thee hide it not from me: God do so to thee, and more also, if thou hide any thing from me of all the things that he said unto thee.

Eli isn't senile then, he will know if Sam misses anything out.

¹⁸And Samuel told him every whit, and hid nothing from him. And he said, It is the LORD: let him do what seemeth him good.

¹⁹And Samuel grew, and the LORD was with him, and did let none of his words fall to the ground.

²⁰And all Israel from Dan even to Beersheba knew that Samuel was established to be a prophet of the LORD.

²¹And the LORD appeared again in Shiloh: for the LORD revealed himself to Samuel in Shiloh by the word of the LORD.
De lard is flashing.....I thought he didn't like that sort of thing

Even after that, do you think de lard will speak to Samuel after Eli pops his clogs ?


Indecently the vids behind the pics are not the usual music

1 Samuel 2

¹And Hannah prayed, and said, My heart rejoiceth in the LORD, mine horn is exalted in the LORD: my mouth is enlarged over mine enemies; because I rejoice in thy salvation.

Is that translated right? No wonder she couldn't get pregnant. Now that really is a miracle.

²There is none holy as the LORD: for there is none beside thee: neither is there any rock like our God.

³Talk no more so exceeding proudly; let not arrogancy come out of your mouth: for the LORD is a God of knowledge, and by him actions are weighed.

Still waiting for him to prove that one. his track record so far is less than poor,even by redneck standards.

⁴The bows of the mighty men are broken, and they that stumbled are girded with strength.

⁵They that were full have hired out themselves for bread; and they that were hungry ceased: so that the barren hath born seven; and she that hath many children is waxed feeble.

⁶The LORD killeth, and maketh alive: he bringeth down to the grave, and bringeth up.

We have seen plenty of the killething but not much else

⁷The LORD maketh poor, and maketh rich: he bringeth low, and lifteth up.

Belief in him can certainly cause these.

⁸He raiseth up the poor out of the dust, and lifteth up the beggar from the dunghill, to set them among princes, and to make them inherit the throne of glory: for the pillars of the earth are the LORD's, and he hath set the world upon them.

What beggar will do his begging on a dung hill? Why has de lard not told his people that dung is fertilizer? Perhaps if they used their shit they wouldn't suffer so much shit and therefore not be as bitter and spout so much shit!!

⁹He will keep the feet of his saints, and the wicked shall be silent in darkness; for by strength shall no man prevail.

Saints is a catholic thing what is that doing there? the NLT has

⁹ “He will protect his faithful ones, but the wicked will disappear in darkness. No one will succeed by strength alone.

¹⁰The adversaries of the LORD shall be broken to pieces; out of heaven shall he thunder upon them: the LORD shall judge the ends of the earth; and he shall give strength unto his king, and exalt the horn of his anointed.

So yet again another passage that disputes the "god hates fags" myth.

¹¹And Elkanah went to Ramah to his house. And the child did minister unto the LORD before Eli the priest.

That is unfortunately another one for catholic priests.

¹²Now the sons of Eli were sons of Belial; they knew not the LORD.

¹³And the priest's custom with the people was, that, when any man offered sacrifice, the priest's servant came, while the flesh was in seething, with a fleshhook of three teeth in his hand;

¹⁴And he struck it into the pan, or kettle, or caldron, or pot; all that the fleshhook brought up the priest took for himself. So they did in Shiloh unto all the Israelites that came thither.

¹⁵Also before they burnt the fat, the priest's servant came, and said to the man that sacrificed, Give flesh to roast for the priest; for he will not have sodden flesh of thee, but raw.

¹⁶And if any man said unto him, Let them not fail to burn the fat presently, and then take as much as thy soul desireth; then he would answer him, Nay; but thou shalt give it me now: and if not, I will take it by force.

That reads very different in the NLT

¹² Now the sons of Eli were scoundrels who had no respect for the Lord ¹³ or for their duties as priests. Whenever anyone offered a sacrifice, Eli’s sons would send over a servant with a three-pronged fork. While the meat of the sacrificed animal was still boiling, ¹⁴ the servant would stick the fork into the pot and demand that whatever it brought up be given to Eli’s sons. All the Israelites who came to worship at Shiloh were treated this way. ¹⁵ Sometimes the servant would come even before the animal’s fat had been burned on the altar. He would demand raw meat before it had been boiled so that it could be used for roasting.

¹⁶ The man offering the sacrifice might reply, “Take as much as you want, but the fat must be burned first.” Then the servant would demand, “No, give it to me now, or I’ll take it by force

¹⁷Wherefore the sin of the young men was very great before the LORD: for men abhorred the offering of the LORD.

¹⁸But Samuel ministered before the LORD, being a child, girded with a linen ephod.

¹⁹Moreover his mother made him a little coat, and brought it to him from year to year, when she came up with her husband to offer the yearly sacrifice.

²⁰And Eli blessed Elkanah and his wife, and said, The LORD give thee seed of this woman for the loan which is lent to the LORD. And they went unto their own home.

²¹And the LORD visited Hannah, so that she conceived, and bare three sons and two daughters. And the child Samuel grew before the LORD.

I wonder if Elkenah ever realised that every time he visited Eli he had a child that was three months old?

²²Now Eli was very old, and heard all that his sons did unto all Israel; and how they lay with the women that assembled at the door of the tabernacle of the congregation.

²³And he said unto them, Why do ye such things? for I hear of your evil dealings by all this people.

Do as I say not as I do the first law of any church ministry!

²⁴Nay, my sons; for it is no good report that I hear: ye make the LORD's people to transgress.

²⁵If one man sin against another, the judge shall judge him: but if a man sin against the LORD, who shall intreat for him? Notwithstanding they hearkened not unto the voice of their father, because the LORD would slay them.

Is that an admission he is make believe?

²⁶And the child Samuel grew on, and was in favour both with the LORD, and also with men.

Pretty boy then!

²⁷And there came a man of God unto Eli, and said unto him, Thus saith the LORD, Did I plainly appear unto the house of thy father, when they were in Egypt in Pharaoh's house?

²⁸And did I choose him out of all the tribes of Israel to be my priest, to offer upon mine altar, to burn incense, to wear an ephod before me? and did I give unto the house of thy father all the offerings made by fire of the children of Israel?

²⁹Wherefore kick ye at my sacrifice and at mine offering, which I have commanded in my habitation; and honourest thy sons above me, to make yourselves fat with the chiefest of all the offerings of Israel my people?

³⁰Wherefore the LORD God of Israel saith, I said indeed that thy house, and the house of thy father, should walk before me for ever: but now the LORD saith, Be it far from me; for them that honour me I will honour, and they that despise me shall be lightly esteemed.

Is this an admission that de lard was wrong and made a mistake?

³¹Behold, the days come, that I will cut off thine arm, and the arm of thy father's house, that there shall not be an old man in thine house.

³²And thou shalt see an enemy in my habitation, in all the wealth which God shall give Israel: and there shall not be an old man in thine house for ever.

³³And the man of thine, whom I shall not cut off from mine altar, shall be to consume thine eyes, and to grieve thine heart: and all the increase of thine house shall die in the flower of their age.

³⁴And this shall be a sign unto thee, that shall come upon thy two sons, on Hophni and Phinehas; in one day they shall die both of them.

Sounds like a promise of poisoning to me. The line exodus 22:18 as mentioned before witch should have been translated as poisoner

³⁵And I will raise me up a faithful priest, that shall do according to that which is in mine heart and in my mind: and I will build him a sure house; and he shall walk before mine anointed for ever.

³⁶And it shall come to pass, that every one that is left in thine house shall come and crouch to him for a piece of silver and a morsel of bread, and shall say, Put me, I pray thee, into one of the priests' offices, that I may eat a piece of bread.

1 Samuel 1

So we start First Samuel, technically another son of god.

¹Now there was a certain man of Ramathaimzophim, of mount Ephraim, and his name was Elkanah, the son of Jeroham, the son of Elihu, the son of Tohu, the son of Zuph, an Ephrathite:

Is the highlighted name betraying their Hindu roots ?

²And he had two wives; the name of the one was Hannah, and the name of the other Peninnah: and Peninnah had children, but Hannah had no children.

One infertile woman, or one infertile man and one woman with a lover?

³And this man went up out of his city yearly to worship and to sacrifice unto the LORD of hosts in Shiloh. And the two sons of Eli, Hophni and Phinehas, the priests of the LORD, were there.

⁴And when the time was that Elkanah offered, he gave to Peninnah his wife, and to all her sons and her daughters, portions:

⁵But unto Hannah he gave a worthy portion; for he loved Hannah: but the LORD had shut up her womb.

Must be the woman's fault...perhaps she needs to get a lover.

⁶And her adversary also provoked her sore, for to make her fret, because the LORD had shut up her womb.

⁷And as he did so year by year, when she went up to the house of the LORD, so she provoked her; therefore she wept, and did not eat.

⁸Then said Elkanah her husband to her, Hannah, why weepest thou? and why eatest thou not? and why is thy heart grieved? am not I better to thee than ten sons?

⁹So Hannah rose up after they had eaten in Shiloh, and after they had drunk. Now Eli the priest sat upon a seat by a post of the temple of the LORD.

¹⁰And she was in bitterness of soul, and prayed unto the LORD, and wept sore.

¹¹And she vowed a vow, and said, O LORD of hosts, if thou wilt indeed look on the affliction of thine handmaid, and remember me, and not forget thine handmaid, but wilt give unto thine handmaid a man child, then I will give him unto the LORD all the days of his life, and there shall no razor come upon his head.

¹²And it came to pass, as she continued praying before the LORD, that Eli marked her mouth.

¹³Now Hannah, she spake in her heart; only her lips moved, but her voice was not heard: therefore Eli thought she had been drunken.

¹⁴And Eli said unto her, How long wilt thou be drunken? put away thy wine from thee.

¹⁵And Hannah answered and said, No, my lord, I am a woman of a sorrowful spirit: I have drunk neither wine nor strong drink, but have poured out my soul before the LORD.

¹⁶Count not thine handmaid for a daughter of Belial: for out of the abundance of my complaint and grief have I spoken hitherto.

¹⁷Then Eli answered and said, Go in peace: and the God of Israel grant thee thy petition that thou hast asked of him.

¹⁸And she said, Let thine handmaid find grace in thy sight. So the woman went her way, and did eat, and her countenance was no more sad.

That looks to me like Eli drugged her and had his way.

¹⁹And they rose up in the morning early, and worshipped before the LORD, and returned, and came to their house to Ramah: and Elkanah knew Hannah his wife; and the LORD remembered her.

Yay,sloppy seconds.

²⁰Wherefore it came to pass, when the time was come about after Hannah had conceived, that she bare a son, and called his name Samuel, saying, Because I have asked him of the LORD.

²¹And the man Elkanah, and all his house, went up to offer unto the LORD the yearly sacrifice, and his vow.

²²But Hannah went not up; for she said unto her husband, I will not go up until the child be weaned, and then I will bring him, that he may appear before the LORD, and there abide for ever.

So Samuel looked like his father and she did not want her husband to see Sam and Eli together.

²³And Elkanah her husband said unto her, Do what seemeth thee good; tarry until thou have weaned him; only the LORD establish his word. So the woman abode, and gave her son suck until she weaned him.

²⁴And when she had weaned him, she took him up with her, with three bullocks, and one ephah of flour, and a bottle of wine, and brought him unto the house of the LORD in Shiloh: and the child was young.

²⁵And they slew a bullock, and brought the child to Eli.

²⁶And she said, Oh my lord, as thy soul liveth, my lord, I am the woman that stood by thee here, praying unto the LORD.

²⁷For this child I prayed; and the LORD hath given me my petition which I asked of him:

I'll bet she really said "Eli here is your son"

²⁸Therefore also I have lent him to the LORD; as long as he liveth he shall be lent to the LORD. And he worshipped the LORD there.

Ruth Recap

So there we have it
One of the short books in the bible. This, apart from the obvious question.Why is it even there? . It also makes me wonder why was it so short. I get the definite impression it has been clipped.
First of all Ruth is about a woman, No shit, I hear you cry. OK. Not only is about a woman, she is important enough to have her own book with her own name as the title. Apart from the apocryphal gospel of Mary Magdalene this does not happen anywhere else. It has been suggested, that once, Ruth was part of Judges, and has been separated. This might explain the shortness but does not explain the elevation of what should be a minor character.
So why was she so important?, whatever it was must have been edited out of the book. All the book tells us is
Girl gets married
Girl takes on raving religion of her married family.
Girl gets widowed.
Girl moves to her ex husbands home land
Girl meets rich guy
Girl throws herself at him like an Essex girl after five blue wkds.
Rich guy buys her off someone who apparently inherited her?????
Yes there is a mention of her part in the bloodline, that literally tagged on the end. But why is she first?, why is the book not primarily about her husband?
Answers to these questions and more are listed here.
Whether or not they are satisfactory remains to be seen, there is always a chance no matter how slim something will turn up somewhere to allow a further inkling into the history of it all.

Ruth 4

¹Then went Boaz up to the gate, and sat him down there: and, behold, the kinsman of whom Boaz spake came by; unto whom he said, Ho, such a one! turn aside, sit down here. And he turned aside, and sat down.

²And he took ten men of the elders of the city, and said, Sit ye down here. And they sat down.

Twelve people; who would have guessed?

³And he said unto the kinsman, Naomi, that is come again out of the country of Moab, selleth a parcel of land, which was our brother Elimelech's:

⁴And I thought to advertise thee, saying, Buy it before the inhabitants, and before the elders of my people. If thou wilt redeem it, redeem it: but if thou wilt not redeem it, then tell me, that I may know: for there is none to redeem it beside thee; and I am after thee. And he said, I will redeem it.

⁵Then said Boaz, What day thou buyest the field of the hand of Naomi, thou must buy it also of Ruth the Moabitess, the wife of the dead, to raise up the name of the dead upon his inheritance.

⁶And the kinsman said, I cannot redeem it for myself, lest I mar mine own inheritance: redeem thou my right to thyself; for I cannot redeem it.

⁷Now this was the manner in former time in Israel concerning redeeming and concerning changing, for to confirm all things; a man plucked off his shoe, and gave it to his neighbour: and this was a testimony in Israel.

⁸Therefore the kinsman said unto Boaz, Buy it for thee. So he drew off his shoe.

⁹And Boaz said unto the elders, and unto all the people, Ye are witnesses this day, that I have bought all that was Elimelech's, and all that was Chilion's and Mahlon's, of the hand of Naomi.

¹⁰Moreover Ruth the Moabitess, the wife of Mahlon, have I purchased to be my wife, to raise up the name of the dead upon his inheritance, that the name of the dead be not cut off from among his brethren, and from the gate of his place: ye are witnesses this day.

¹¹And all the people that were in the gate, and the elders, said, We are witnesses. The LORD make the woman that is come into thine house like Rachel and like Leah, which two did build the house of Israel: and do thou worthily in Ephratah, and be famous in Bethlehem:

So that is that. Ruth is now sold wed, what a spectacular ceremony. Did you see what the bride wore...........What! She wasn't even there....Never mind it is legally binding as sealed by a show of cheese.....good job they had adopted circumcision or who knows what the would have revealed

¹²And let thy house be like the house of Pharez, whom Tamar bare unto Judah, of the seed which the LORD shall give thee of this young woman.

¹³So Boaz took Ruth, and she was his wife: and when he went in unto her, the LORD gave her conception, and she bare a son.

¹⁴And the women said unto Naomi, Blessed be the LORD, which hath not left thee this day without a kinsman, that his name may be famous in Israel.

¹⁵And he shall be unto thee a restorer of thy life, and a nourisher of thine old age: for thy daughter in law, which loveth thee, which is better to thee than seven sons, hath born him.

¹⁶And Naomi took the child, and laid it in her bosom, and became nurse unto it.

Is that possible? At the beginning of this book she was too old for a man. I suppose it doesn't say wet nurse

¹⁷And the women her neighbours gave it a name, saying, There is a son born to Naomi; and they called his name Obed: he is the father of Jesse, the father of David.

¹⁸Now these are the generations of Pharez: Pharez begat Hezron,

¹⁹And Hezron begat Ram, and Ram begat Amminadab,

²⁰And Amminadab begat Nahshon, and Nahshon begat Salmon,

²¹And Salmon begat Boaz, and Boaz begat Obed,

²²And Obed begat Jesse, and Jesse begat David.

"Beget" means Father but I wonder whether at some point in some catholic bible it was translated as "buggered"

Ruth 3

¹Then Naomi her mother in law said unto her, My daughter, shall I not seek rest for thee, that it may be well with thee?

²And now is not Boaz of our kindred, with whose maidens thou wast? Behold, he winnoweth barley to night in the threshingfloor.

³Wash thyself therefore, and anoint thee, and put thy raiment upon thee, and get thee down to the floor: but make not thyself known unto the man, until he shall have done eating and drinking.

In other words wait till he is pissed(that's drunk for you yanks, not angry)

⁴And it shall be, when he lieth down, that thou shalt mark the place where he shall lie, and thou shalt go in, and uncover his feet, and lay thee down; and he will tell thee what thou shalt do.

If somebody did that to me I would tell them what to do too.Unless feet is a euphemism or he is incredibly gifted after all I foot is big

⁵And she said unto her, All that thou sayest unto me I will do.

Then again, if that was their reply to being told to fuck off..........

⁶And she went down unto the floor, and did according to all that her mother in law bade her.

........perhaps mum in law isn't so daft.

⁷And when Boaz had eaten and drunk, and his heart was merry, he went to lie down at the end of the heap of corn: and she came softly, and uncovered his feet, and laid her down.

⁸And it came to pass at midnight, that the man was afraid, and turned himself: and, behold, a woman lay at his feet.

Is this why the Ruth Institute wants to keep Gay men and women down

⁹And he said, Who art thou? And she answered, I am Ruth thine handmaid: spread therefore thy skirt over thine handmaid; for thou art a near kinsman.

¹⁰And he said, Blessed be thou of the LORD, my daughter: for thou hast shewed more kindness in the latter end than at the beginning, inasmuch as thou followedst not young men, whether poor or rich.

¹¹And now, my daughter, fear not; I will do to thee all that thou requirest: for all the city of my people doth know that thou art a virtuous woman.

¹²And now it is true that I am thy near kinsman: howbeit there is a kinsman nearer than I.

¹³Tarry this night, and it shall be in the morning, that if he will perform unto thee the part of a kinsman, well; let him do the kinsman's part: but if he will not do the part of a kinsman to thee, then will I do the part of a kinsman to thee, as the LORD liveth: lie down until the morning.

So, he has a fit bird offering to do "anything" he commands, but instead of saying "get your laughing gear round this; he will do nothing until someone whom is more closely related to her has first dibs, and yet if "spread her skirts" is not an euphemism for spreading her legs what is I think he must be very old or very gay or someone has fucked up on the translation.

¹⁴And she lay at his feet until the morning: and she rose up before one could know another. And he said, Let it not be known that a woman came into the floor.

¹⁵Also he said, Bring the vail that thou hast upon thee, and hold it. And when she held it, he measured six measures of barley, and laid it on her: and she went into the city.

¹⁶And when she came to her mother in law, she said, Who art thou, my daughter? And she told her all that the man had done to her.

¹⁷And she said, These six measures of barley gave he me; for he said to me, Go not empty unto thy mother in law.

Not quite the seed she had expected.

¹⁸Then said she, Sit still, my daughter, until thou know how the matter will fall: for the man will not be in rest, until he have finished the thing this day.

Ruth 2

¹And Naomi had a kinsman of her husband's, a mighty man of wealth, of the family of Elimelech; and his name was Boaz.

So it's a good chance there were guards.

²And Ruth the Moabitess said unto Naomi, Let me now go to the field, and glean ears of corn after him in whose sight I shall find grace. And she said unto her, Go, my daughter.

³And she went, and came, and gleaned in the field after the reapers: and her hap was to light on a part of the field belonging unto Boaz, who was of the kindred of Elimelech.

⁴And, behold, Boaz came from Bethlehem, and said unto the reapers, The LORD be with you. And they answered him, The LORD bless thee.

⁵Then said Boaz unto his servant that was set over the reapers, Whose damsel is this?

⁶And the servant that was set over the reapers answered and said, It is the Moabitish damsel that came back with Naomi out of the country of Moab:

⁷And she said, I pray you, let me glean and gather after the reapers among the sheaves: so she came, and hath continued even from the morning until now, that she tarried a little in the house.

⁸Then said Boaz unto Ruth, Hearest thou not, my daughter? Go not to glean in another field, neither go from hence, but abide here fast by my maidens:

⁹Let thine eyes be on the field that they do reap, and go thou after them: have I not charged the young men that they shall not touch thee? and when thou art athirst, go unto the vessels, and drink of that which the young men have drawn.

Fuck me! He seems to have manners, or perhaps it is Just that Ruth is a fit bird.

¹⁰Then she fell on her face, and bowed herself to the ground, and said unto him, Why have I found grace in thine eyes, that thou shouldest take knowledge of me, seeing I am a stranger?

¹¹And Boaz answered and said unto her, It hath fully been shewed me, all that thou hast done unto thy mother in law since the death of thine husband: and how thou hast left thy father and thy mother, and the land of thy nativity, and art come unto a people which thou knewest not heretofore.

¹²The LORD recompense thy work, and a full reward be given thee of the LORD God of Israel, under whose wings thou art come to trust.

Yep! She was Fit.

¹³Then she said, Let me find favour in thy sight, my lord; for that thou hast comforted me, and for that thou hast spoken friendly unto thine handmaid, though I be not like unto one of thine handmaidens.

¹⁴And Boaz said unto her, At mealtime come thou hither, and eat of the bread, and dip thy morsel in the vinegar. And she sat beside the reapers: and he reached her parched corn, and she did eat, and was sufficed, and left.

What a come on....Try that in a night club straight boys.....It can't possibly fail.

¹⁵And when she was risen up to glean, Boaz commanded his young men, saying, Let her glean even among the sheaves, and reproach her not:

¹⁶And let fall also some of the handfuls of purpose for her, and leave them, that she may glean them, and rebuke her not.

¹⁷So she gleaned in the field until even, and beat out that she had gleaned: and it was about an ephah of barley.

¹⁸And she took it up, and went into the city: and her mother in law saw what she had gleaned: and she brought forth, and gave to her that she had reserved after she was sufficed.

¹⁹And her mother in law said unto her, Where hast thou gleaned to day? and where wroughtest thou? blessed be he that did take knowledge of thee. And she shewed her mother in law with whom she had wrought, and said, The man's name with whom I wrought to day is Boaz.

²⁰And Naomi said unto her daughter in law, Blessed be he of the LORD, who hath not left off his kindness to the living and to the dead. And Naomi said unto her, The man is near of kin unto us, one of our next kinsmen.

Seeings how he is family you can marry him.

²¹And Ruth the Moabitess said, He said unto me also, Thou shalt keep fast by my young men, until they have ended all my harvest.

²²And Naomi said unto Ruth her daughter in law, It is good, my daughter, that thou go out with his maidens, that they meet thee not in any other field.

²³So she kept fast by the maidens of Boaz to glean unto the end of barley harvest and of wheat harvest; and dwelt with her mother in law.

Ruth 1

¹Now it came to pass in the days when the judges ruled, that there was a famine in the land. And a certain man of Bethlehemjudah went to sojourn in the country of Moab, he, and his wife, and his two sons.

Perhaps they should have turned their energies to irrigation rather than warfare ? It just goes to show you can't live on honey and milk alone.

Then again with all that bloodshed,slaughter and sacrifice you would have thought de lard,with his omnipotence and omniscience would have given his chosen ones some beneficial weather.

²And the name of the man was Elimelech, and the name of his wife Naomi, and the name of his two sons Mahlon and Chilion, Ephrathites of Bethlehemjudah. And they came into the country of Moab, and continued there.

³And Elimelech Naomi's husband died; and she was left, and her two sons.

Just like that!

⁴And they took them wives of the women of Moab; the name of the one was Orpah, and the name of the other Ruth: and they dwelled there about ten years.

⁵And Mahlon and Chilion died also both of them; and the woman was left of her two sons and her husband.

No mention how these men died, don't know why?

⁶Then she arose with her daughters in law, that she might return from the country of Moab: for she had heard in the country of Moab how that the LORD had visited his people in giving them bread.

Famine over then ?

⁷Wherefore she went forth out of the place where she was, and her two daughters in law with her; and they went on the way to return unto the land of Judah.

⁸And Naomi said unto her two daughters in law, Go, return each to her mother's house: the LORD deal kindly with you, as ye have dealt with the dead, and with me.

⁹The LORD grant you that ye may find rest, each of you in the house of her husband. Then she kissed them; and they lifted up their voice, and wept.

¹⁰And they said unto her, Surely we will return with thee unto thy people.

¹¹And Naomi said, Turn again, my daughters: why will ye go with me? are there yet any more sons in my womb, that they may be your husbands?

¹²Turn again, my daughters, go your way; for I am too old to have an husband. If I should say, I have hope, if I should have an husband also to night, and should also bear sons;

¹³Would ye tarry for them till they were grown? would ye stay for them from having husbands? nay, my daughters; for it grieveth me much for your sakes that the hand of the LORD is gone out against me.

¹⁴And they lifted up their voice, and wept again: and Orpah kissed her mother in law; but Ruth clave unto her.

¹⁵And she said, Behold, thy sister in law is gone back unto her people, and unto her gods: return thou after thy sister in law.

¹⁶And Ruth said, Intreat me not to leave thee, or to return from following after thee: for whither thou goest, I will go; and where thou lodgest, I will lodge: thy people shall be my people, and thy God my God:

We are given the impression here thatg these women are able to safely travel unaccompanied, Dis the decimation of the benjimites allow this ?Or were they accompanied by guards?

¹⁷Where thou diest, will I die, and there will I be buried: the LORD do so to me, and more also, if ought but death part thee and me.

¹⁸When she saw that she was stedfastly minded to go with her, then she left speaking unto her.

¹⁹So they two went until they came to Bethlehem. And it came to pass, when they were come to Bethlehem, that all the city was moved about them, and they said, Is this Naomi?

²⁰And she said unto them, Call me not Naomi, call me Mara: for the Almighty hath dealt very bitterly with me.

²¹I went out full and the LORD hath brought me home again empty: why then call ye me Naomi, seeing the LORD hath testified against me, and the Almighty hath afflicted me?

²²So Naomi returned, and Ruth the Moabitess, her daughter in law, with her, which returned out of the country of Moab: and they came to Bethlehem in the beginning of barley harvest.

So far this is a non-story makes me wonder why it was included in the bible ?
Why is this womans story even mentioned?

The Why of it all

The next book is Ruth, but before I begin let me tell you a personal story.
A month or so before I started this endeavour, I walked into a pub to meet up with some friends the afternoon after a good party. (our parties often go on for days, so after is not completely true but during implies I was innebriated not that driving was an option but I class this as soberish) To say I was hungover would be like saying de lard can be a little touchy. My head felt like Cozy Powell, John Bonham and Keith Moon had taken up residence and were trying do drum louder than each other. My mouth tasted like I had spent half the previous evening kissing the wrong end of a diseased donkey. After getting a beer I sat with a couple of friends that were already there, they were accompanied by a man and his son, neither of which I knew.
The man was introduced to me as "Zeus", a man, I had heard of but never actually met before or to date since. I found out later his name is actually Jesus (pronounced Hey Zeus).
I had been warned about him as he is a"practising christian" and likes to steer any and all conversations around to........Well where you would expect him to. I also know he had been warned about me.

So I managed to fight my way down my first couple of pints and was on my third before I took much of an interest of anything other than my own personal discomfort. But as soon as I did I heard the phrase......"but it says in the Bible...."

My head, although still in mourning for the thousands of brain cells I had decimated the previous night, attempted to focus. Well maybe focus is a bit of an exaggeration, I was still not firing on all cylinders,but nevertheless I suddenly was more aware of the conversation, or to be honest, that there was a conversation.

Jesus, noticing I had begun to pay attention ignored the glazed eyes of the others and spoke directly to me. I can't remember his exact words but something like I can always find the answers in the bible......

My reply "I see the bible as
Bullshit
Incorporating
Bigotry
Lies and
Exaggerations."

His reply was a little bit more honest than I had expected..."yes there is a little of that but there is much love and bridge building in it too".
"Where? Name one" I asked
"The book of Ruth" was his immediate answer.

Unfortunately for me It had been over twenty five years since I had last read any of the misnomered "good book" and Ruth not one I had spent much time on so I was unable to give him a proper comeback and vowed to read it when I got home, he and his son left shortly afterwards.

A few days later when the party finally dispersed untill the next I returned home where I sat and read.
I then re read it trying to see his point
and again
and yet again
So I figured perhaps I need to re establish my mind with the mind set of the authors I will start at the beginning.
Before I finished the first page I was laughing.
When I finished genesis I started The Anal Iced Bible
So
Thank you Jesus for the inspiration and thankyou to my readers who gave me support in the early days
especially, in no particular order
Vamp
Poodles
Uzza
Buffy and
Andy Armitage

Judges Recap

Well what can I say?
It has been many, many years since I read Judges. Again I find myself thinking If these are examples to be used as guides for behaviour,surely they are examples of how not to behave.Instead the "priesthood and their ilk advertise different messages.Am I wrong? You decide.
With the myth of Samson we are shown a fool that like so many,no doubt before and since has fallen for the wrong partner. A route that leads to insane actions of revenge and ultimately to his destruction.
Instead we are told of de lards miracle of Samson's strength and the emphasis is on following de lard's wishes to get de lard to love him enough to give him back his strength which still leads to his death but with de lards gift so it is OK.
Then we have a similar story to the tale of Lot's experience in the city of Sodom. As in that story we are told it is better to throw your women to to wolves than deal with the problem yourself. This is then used as an excuse for mass revenge which involves the death and slavery of thousands of people.
Again instead of the obvious moral that revenge achieves nothing the religious give the message "don't fuck with de lards chosen ones" (which of course means christans as well as Israelis.)
So what we are left with is a beautiful example of how scripture can and is twisted to mean exactly what the priesthood wants, there are truths in the bible just not the ones the higher echelons of churches want you to see.