1 Samuel 15

¹Samuel also said unto Saul, The LORD sent me to anoint thee to be king over his people, over Israel: now therefore hearken thou unto the voice of the words of the LORD.

²Thus saith the LORD of hosts, I remember that which Amalek did to Israel, how he laid wait for him in the way, when he came up from Egypt.

So de lard remembers something that happened a few hundred years before.

³Now go and smite Amalek, and utterly destroy all that they have, and spare them not; but slay both man and woman, infant and suckling, ox and sheep, camel and ass.

Even cute wittle puddie tats

But he seems to have forgotten the bits about not killing and being charitable to strangers..... Alzheimer's is a bitch

⁴And Saul gathered the people together, and numbered them in Telaim, two hundred thousand footmen, and ten thousand men of Judah.

Today's Israeli army numbers 187,000 So where did all these people come from?

⁵And Saul came to a city of Amalek, and laid wait in the valley.

⁶And Saul said unto the Kenites, Go, depart, get you down from among the Amalekites, lest I destroy you with them: for ye shewed kindness to all the children of Israel, when they came up out of Egypt. So the Kenites departed from among the Amalekites.

⁷And Saul smote the Amalekites from Havilah until thou comest to Shur, that is over against Egypt.

⁸And he took Agag the king of the Amalekites alive, and utterly destroyed all the people with the edge of the sword.

⁹But Saul and the people spared Agag, and the best of the sheep, and of the oxen, and of the fatlings, and the lambs, and all that was good, and would not utterly destroy them: but every thing that was vile and refuse, that they destroyed utterly.

But but de lard said kill everymuthafuckinthing.

¹⁰Then came the word of the LORD unto Samuel, saying,

¹¹It repenteth me that I have set up Saul to be king: for he is turned back from following me, and hath not performed my commandments. And it grieved Samuel; and he cried unto the LORD all night.

^{What!? Have I read that right? de lard repented.....Repented....... REPENTED}

¹²And when Samuel rose early to meet Saul in the morning, it was told Samuel, saying, Saul came to Carmel, and, behold, he set him up a place, and is gone about, and passed on, and gone down to Gilgal.

¹³And Samuel came to Saul: and Saul said unto him, Blessed be thou of the LORD: I have performed the commandment of the LORD.

¹⁴And Samuel said, What meaneth then this bleating of the sheep in mine ears, and the lowing of the oxen which I hear?

¹⁵And Saul said, They have brought them from the Amalekites: for the people spared the best of the sheep and of the oxen, to sacrifice unto the LORD thy God; and the rest we have utterly destroyed.

¹⁷And Samuel said, When thou wast little in thine own sight, wast thou not made the head of the tribes of Israel, and the LORD anointed thee king over Israel?

¹⁸And the LORD sent thee on a journey, and said, Go and utterly destroy the sinners the Amalekites, and fight against them until they be consumed.

¹⁹Wherefore then didst thou not obey the voice of the LORD, but didst fly upon the spoil, and didst evil in the sight of the LORD?

²⁰And Saul said unto Samuel, Yea, I have obeyed the voice of the LORD, and have gone the way which the LORD sent me, and have brought Agag the king of Amalek, and have utterly destroyed the Amalekites.

²¹But the people took of the spoil, sheep and oxen, the chief of the things which should have been utterly destroyed, to sacrifice unto the LORD thy God in Gilgal.

²²And Samuel said, Hath the LORD as great delight in burnt offerings and sacrifices, as in obeying the voice of the LORD? Behold, to obey is better than sacrifice, and to hearken than the fat of rams.

²³For rebellion is as the sin of witchcraft, and stubbornness is as iniquity and idolatry. Because thou hast rejected the word of the LORD, he hath also rejected thee from being king.

Young's literal has this

^{23for a sin of divination [is] rebellion, and iniquity and teraphim [is] stubbornness; because thou hast rejected the word of Jehovah, He also doth reject thee from [being] king.'}

^{The word witch always bothers me. I am convinced it meant wise and the Young's translation shows de lard didn't like Saul thinking for himself. This verse must be the most important verse in the bible to many modern branches of christianity.}

^{Thou shalt not think !}

So why did he give us such a big brain?

²⁴And Saul said unto Samuel, I have sinned: for I have transgressed the commandment of the LORD, and thy words: because I feared the people, and obeyed their voice.

²⁵Now therefore, I pray thee, pardon my sin, and turn again with me, that I may worship the LORD.

²⁶And Samuel said unto Saul, I will not return with thee: for thou hast rejected the word of the LORD, and the LORD hath rejected thee from being king over Israel.

²⁷And as Samuel turned about to go away, he laid hold upon the skirt of his mantle, and it rent.

²⁸And Samuel said unto him, The LORD hath rent the kingdom of Israel from thee this day, and hath given it to a neighbour of thine, that is better than thou.

²⁹And also the Strength of Israel will not lie nor repent: for he is not a man, that he should repent.

On the strength of that line alone. if the "strength of Israel" is de lard then if he has not repented then he is a liar. Or Sam is committing the same "sin" that Saul seems to have committed, either not listening to de lard or deciding he meant something different.

I am wondering whether there is a lover's tiff at the root of all this.

³⁰Then he said, I have sinned: yet honour me now, I pray thee, before the elders of my people, and before Israel, and turn again with me, that I may worship the LORD thy God.

³¹So Samuel turned again after Saul; and Saul worshipped the LORD.

Is this them kissing and making up? Is the tent gonna be rockin' tonight?

³²Then said Samuel, Bring ye hither to me Agag the king of the Amalekites. And Agag came unto him delicately. And Agag said, Surely the bitterness of death is past.

³³And Samuel said, As thy sword hath made women childless, so shall thy mother be childless among women. And Samuel hewed Agag in pieces before the LORD in Gilgal.

Ah! Now I see. Samuel is too old, he is as impotent as his god.

³⁴Then Samuel went to Ramah; and Saul went up to his house to Gibeah of Saul.

³⁵And Samuel came no more to see Saul until the day of his death: nevertheless Samuel mourned for Saul: and the LORD repented that he had made Saul king over Israel.

Mr absolutely fucking perfect has admitted he was wrong, and, get this actually feels sorrow!!!

But the bible is the inherent word of god, and de lard is infallible. Hahahahaha.

Christians and Islamists both are constantly professing that their deity knows all, sees all and does not make mistakes. Yet the bible and the koran both state time and again that de lard knows next to fuck all about everything, sees little and fucks up big time, all the time.

The other day I received an e-mail from a fellow blogger. Someone calling themselves, "The Frabulous Frog". The mail was just a polite acknowledgement that the Frabulous Frog had written of my endeavors on his blog and hoped I didn't mind.

Why would I mind?

In fact I confess, humbly speaking and with all sincerity to a certain amount of pride and satisfaction, as I have in the past when other people have mentioned me.

So thank you Frabulous Frog, from the bottom of my bottom(I would have said heart but my bottom is bigger)

I have not yet had the chance to read anymore of your work, but I assure you I will.

1 Samuel 14

¹Now it came to pass upon a day, that Jonathan the son of Saul said unto the young man that bare his armour, Come, and let us go over to the Philistines' garrison, that is on the other side. But he told not his father.

^{Why mention Young Jonny didn't tell his father? I am fairly sure they did not have mobile phones back then!}

²And Saul tarried in the uttermost part of Gibeah under a pomegranate tree which is in Migron: and the people that were with him were about six hundred men;

Six hundred men, all under one tree. I don't care how "cosy" you want to get that is one fucking big tree.

³And Ahiah, the son of Ahitub, Ichabod's brother, the son of Phinehas, the son of Eli, the LORD's priest in Shiloh, wearing an ephod. And the people knew not that Jonathan was gone.

⁴And between the passages, by which Jonathan sought to go over unto the Philistines' garrison, there was a sharp rock on the one side, and a sharp rock on the other side: and the name of the one was Bozez, and the name of the other Seneh.

⁵The forefront of the one was situate northward over against Michmash, and the other southward over against Gibeah.

⁶And Jonathan said to the young man that bare his armour, Come, and let us go over unto the garrison of these uncircumcised: it may be that the LORD will work for us: for there is no restraint to the LORD to save by many or by few.

Yes no gays in the bible, and yet everybody is obsessed with penis.

⁷And his armourbearer said unto him, Do all that is in thine heart: turn thee; behold, I am with thee according to thy heart.

⁸Then said Jonathan, Behold, we will pass over unto these men, and we will discover ourselves unto them.

⁹If they say thus unto us, Tarry until we come to you; then we will stand still in our place, and will not go up unto them.

¹⁰But if they say thus, Come up unto us; then we will go up: for the LORD hath delivered them into our hand: and this shall be a sign unto us.

Sounds like he is going cruising to me.

¹¹And both of them discovered themselves unto the garrison of the Philistines: and the Philistines said, Behold, the Hebrews come forth out of the holes where they had hid themselves.

¹²And the men of the garrison answered Jonathan and his armourbearer, and said, Come up to us, and we will shew you a thing. And Jonathan said unto his armourbearer, Come up after me: for the LORD hath delivered them into the hand of Israel.

¹³And Jonathan climbed up upon his hands and upon his feet, and his armourbearer after him: and they fell before Jonathan; and his armourbearer slew after him.

¹⁴And that first slaughter, which Jonathan and his armourbearer made, was about twenty men, within as it were an half acre of land, which a yoke of oxen might plow.

I am sure I can smell something

¹⁵And there was trembling in the host, in the field, and among all the people: the garrison, and the spoilers, they also trembled, and the earth quaked: so it was a very great trembling.

¹⁶And the watchmen of Saul in Gibeah of Benjamin looked; and, behold, the multitude melted away, and they went on beating down one another.

¹⁷Then said Saul unto the people that were with him, Number now, and see who is gone from us. And when they had numbered, behold, Jonathan and his armourbearer were not there.

Two people missing! Not six hundred, ah well easy mistake to make.

¹⁸And Saul said unto Ahiah, Bring hither the ark of God. For the ark of God was at that time with the children of Israel.

¹⁹And it came to pass, while Saul talked unto the priest, that the noise that was in the host of the Philistines went on and increased: and Saul said unto the priest, Withdraw thine hand.

Would that be the fist of god?

²⁰And Saul and all the people that were with him assembled themselves, and they came to the battle: and, behold, every man's sword was against his fellow, and there was a very great discomfiture.

²¹Moreover the Hebrews that were with the Philistines before that time, which went up with them into the camp from the country round about, even they also turned to be with the Israelites that were with Saul and Jonathan.

²²Likewise all the men of Israel which had hid themselves in mount Ephraim, when they heard that the Philistines fled, even they also followed hard after them in the battle.

This makes me wonder that the word "fled" should be "went away" My reasoning being that if six hundred is in reality two then the total number can be no more than three dozen or so. Knowing the abject cowardice with which the israelites are blessed with I can see the majority of these being the ones that "hid themselves in mount Ephraim".

²³So the LORD saved Israel that day: and the battle passed over unto Bethaven.

De lard instilled the idea to the Philistines that the Israelites were not worth a wank

²⁴And the men of Israel were distressed that day: for Saul had adjured the people, saying, Cursed be the man that eateth any food until evening, that I may be avenged on mine enemies. So none of the people tasted any food.

²⁵And all they of the land came to a wood; and there was honey upon the ground.

²⁶And when the people were come into the wood, behold, the honey dropped; but no man put his hand to his mouth: for the people feared the oath.

²⁷But Jonathan heard not when his father charged the people with the oath: wherefore he put forth the end of the rod that was in his hand, and dipped it in an honeycomb, and put his hand to his mouth; and his eyes were enlightened.

²⁸Then answered one of the people, and said, Thy father straitly charged the people with an oath, saying, Cursed be the man that eateth any food this day. And the people were faint.

²⁹Then said Jonathan, My father hath troubled the land: see, I pray you, how mine eyes have been enlightened, because I tasted a little of this honey.

³⁰How much more, if haply the people had eaten freely to day of the spoil of their enemies which they found? for had there not been now a much greater slaughter among the Philistines?

³¹And they smote the Philistines that day from Michmash to Aijalon: and the people were very faint.

Would a hungry army may be desperate to fight a bit harder than an army that only had the fact their lives depended on winning? I don't know! but if they are hungry enough to be feeling faint then I would have thought they would not be much good.

³²And the people flew upon the spoil, and took sheep, and oxen, and calves, and slew them on the ground: and the people did eat them with the blood.

³³Then they told Saul, saying, Behold, the people sin against the LORD, in that they eat with the blood. And he said, Ye have transgressed: roll a great stone unto me this day.

³⁴And Saul said, Disperse yourselves among the people, and say unto them, Bring me hither every man his ox, and every man his sheep, and slay them here, and eat; and sin not against the LORD in eating with the blood. And all the people brought every man his ox with him that night, and slew them there.

³⁵And Saul built an altar unto the LORD: the same was the first altar that he built unto the LORD.

³⁶And Saul said, Let us go down after the Philistines by night, and spoil them until the morning light, and let us not leave a man of them. And they said, Do whatsoever seemeth good unto thee. Then said the priest, Let us draw near hither unto God.

Gay rape and murder, or a saturday night in Iran as it's called today.

³⁷And Saul asked counsel of God, Shall I go down after the Philistines? wilt thou deliver them into the hand of Israel? But he answered him not that day.

³⁸And Saul said, Draw ye near hither, all the chief of the people: and know and see wherein this sin hath been this day.

³⁹For, as the LORD liveth, which saveth Israel, though it be in Jonathan my son, he shall surely die. But there was not a man among all the people that answered him.

Really! I am shocked, are they beginning to develop morals and loyalty?

⁴⁰Then said he unto all Israel, Be ye on one side, and I and Jonathan my son will be on the other side. And the people said unto Saul, Do what seemeth good unto thee.

⁴¹Therefore Saul said unto the LORD God of Israel, Give a perfect lot. And Saul and Jonathan were taken: but the people escaped.

⁴²And Saul said, Cast lots between me and Jonathan my son. And Jonathan was taken.

⁴³Then Saul said to Jonathan, Tell me what thou hast done. And Jonathan told him, and said, I did but taste a little honey with the end of the rod that was in mine hand, and, lo, I must die.

⁴⁴And Saul answered, God do so and more also: for thou shalt surely die, Jonathan.

⁴⁵And the people said unto Saul, Shall Jonathan die, who hath wrought this great salvation in Israel? God forbid: as the LORD liveth, there shall not one hair of his head fall to the ground; for he hath wrought with God this day. So the people rescued Jonathan, that he died not.

They went against the orders of de lard?

⁴⁶Then Saul went up from following the Philistines: and the Philistines went to their own place.

⁴⁷So Saul took the kingdom over Israel, and fought against all his enemies on every side, against Moab, and against the children of Ammon, and against Edom, and against the kings of Zobah, and against the Philistines: and whithersoever he turned himself, he vexed them.

⁴⁸And he gathered an host, and smote the Amalekites, and delivered Israel out of the hands of them that spoiled them.

⁴⁹Now the sons of Saul were Jonathan, and Ishui, and Melchishua: and the names of his two daughters were these; the name of the firstborn Merab, and the name of the younger Michal:

⁵⁰And the name of Saul's wife was Ahinoam, the daughter of Ahimaaz: and the name of the captain of his host was Abner, the son of Ner, Saul's uncle.

⁵¹And Kish was the father of Saul; and Ner the father of Abner was the son of Abiel.

⁵²And there was sore war against the Philistines all the days of Saul: and when Saul saw any strong man, or any man, he took him unto him.

1 Samuel 13

¹Saul reigned one year; and when he had reigned two years over Israel,

²Saul chose him three thousand men of Israel; whereof two thousand were with Saul in Michmash and in mount Bethel, and a thousand were with Jonathan in Gibeah of Benjamin: and the rest of the people he sent every man to his tent.

Surely not all at once.

³And Jonathan smote the garrison of the Philistines that was in Geba, and the Philistines heard of it. And Saul blew the trumpet throughout all the land, saying, Let the Hebrews hear.

No surprise there, it's fairly obvious Saul can blow well.

⁴And all Israel heard say that Saul had smitten a garrison of the Philistines, and that Israel also was had in abomination with the Philistines. And the people were called together after Saul to Gilgal.

⁵And the Philistines gathered themselves together to fight with Israel, thirty thousand chariots, and six thousand horsemen, and people as the sand which is on the sea shore in multitude: and they came up, and pitched in Michmash, eastward from Bethaven.

⁶When the men of Israel saw that they were in a strait, (for the people were distressed,) then the people did hide themselves in caves, and in thickets, and in rocks, and in high places, and in pits.

So the Israelites legendary bravery and heroism shows itself.

⁷And some of the Hebrews went over Jordan to the land of Gad and Gilead. As for Saul, he was yet in Gilgal, and all the people followed him trembling.

⁸And he tarried seven days, according to the set time that Samuel had appointed: but Samuel came not to Gilgal; and the people were scattered from him.

So these invaders are very patient, surely if you were invading you would subdue the locals as quickly as possible, not allow them to organise a rebellion?

⁹And Saul said, Bring hither a burnt offering to me, and peace offerings. And he offered the burnt offering.

So Samuel can be summoned by a burnt offering does that mean he is equal to de lard or is it just coincidence.

¹⁰And it came to pass, that as soon as he had made an end of offering the burnt offering, behold, Samuel came; and Saul went out to meet him, that he might salute him.

With what part of his body?

¹¹And Samuel said, What hast thou done? And Saul said, Because I saw that the people were scattered from me, and that thou camest not within the days appointed, and that the Philistines gathered themselves together at Michmash;

Oh dear they are like an old married couple..."Where the bloody hell have you been? There you are off galavanting around the country turning up a week late when I am trying to clear up this mess you left me with. Not to mention your suppers ruined burnt to a crisp it is."

¹²Therefore said I, The Philistines will come down now upon me to Gilgal, and I have not made supplication unto the LORD: I forced myself therefore, and offered a burnt offering.

¹³And Samuel said to Saul, Thou hast done foolishly: thou hast not kept the commandment of the LORD thy God, which he commanded thee: for now would the LORD have established thy kingdom upon Israel for ever.

"Don't blame me it is all your fault"

¹⁴But now thy kingdom shall not continue: the LORD hath sought him a man after his own heart, and the LORD hath commanded him to be captain over his people, because thou hast not kept that which the LORD commanded thee.

"and don't go blaming god neither, it's not his fault if he chose the wrong man for the job. Yes I know he is all knowing but you can't expect him to know everything now can you.

¹⁵And Samuel arose, and gat him up from Gilgal unto Gibeah of Benjamin. And Saul numbered the people that were present with him, about six hundred men.

¹⁶And Saul, and Jonathan his son, and the people that were present with them, abode in Gibeah of Benjamin: but the Philistines encamped in Michmash.

¹⁷And the spoilers came out of the camp of the Philistines in three companies: one company turned unto the way that leadeth to Ophrah, unto the land of Shual:

The amplified bible has raider's

¹⁸And another company turned the way to Bethhoron: and another company turned to the way of the border that looketh to the valley of Zeboim toward the wilderness.

¹⁹Now there was no smith found throughout all the land of Israel: for the Philistines said, Lest the Hebrews make them swords or spears:

²⁰But all the Israelites went down to the Philistines, to sharpen every man his share, and his coulter, and his axe, and his mattock.

²¹Yet they had a file for the mattocks, and for the coulters, and for the forks, and for the axes, and to sharpen the goads.

Amplified has the following for the last verse

²¹And the price for plowshares and mattocks was a pim, and a third of a shekel for axes and for setting goads [with resulting blunt edges on the sickles, mattocks, forks, axes, and goads.]

NLT has this

²¹ (The charges were as follows: a quarter of an ounce of silver^[f] for sharpening a plowshare or a pick, and an eighth of an ounce^[g] for sharpening an ax, a sickle, or an ox goad.)

I cannot believe I am reading this correctly.

The Philistines are apparently invading, thousands of israelites have shat themselves and ran away.

The Israelites have managed to round up six hundred men willing to fight, but have no weapons, save a few assorted, but blunt farming implements. These are then taken to the Philistines to be sharpened and they pay for them to do this. The Philistines actually do this.

This does not come across as the actions of an invading army more like a band of traveling artisans.

²²So it came to pass in the day of battle, that there was neither sword nor spear found in the hand of any of the people that were with Saul and Jonathan: but with Saul and with Jonathan his son was there found.

Six hundred farmers bravely sending an army (from verse 5)"And the Philistines gathered themselves together to fight with Israel, thirty thousand chariots, and six thousand horsemen, and people as the sand which is on the sea shore in multitude" running with their tails between thier legs

Or six hundred bloodthirsty bastards attacking an unsuspecting gypsy caravan tryng to earn an honest living?

²³And the garrison of the Philistines went out to the passage of Michmash.

1 Samuel 12

¹And Samuel said unto all Israel, Behold, I have hearkened unto your voice in all that ye said unto me, and have made a king over you.

²And now, behold, the king walketh before you: and I am old and grayheaded; and, behold, my sons are with you: and I have walked before you from my childhood unto this day.

³Behold, here I am: witness against me before the LORD, and before his anointed: whose ox have I taken? or whose ass have I taken? or whom have I defrauded? whom have I oppressed? or of whose hand have I received any bribe to blind mine eyes therewith? and I will restore it you.

^{We are all agreed whose ass was taken.}

⁴And they said, Thou hast not defrauded us, nor oppressed us, neither hast thou taken ought of any man's hand.

⁵And he said unto them, The LORD is witness against you, and his anointed is witness this day, that ye have not found ought in my hand. And they answered, He is witness.

⁶And Samuel said unto the people, It is the LORD that advanced Moses and Aaron, and that brought your fathers up out of the land of Egypt.

⁷Now therefore stand still, that I may reason with you before the LORD of all the righteous acts of the LORD, which he did to you and to your fathers.

I have mentioned on occasion how words over time can change their meanings. "Awful" at one time meant just that.. "Full of Awe."

Was there ever a time that "Righteous" meant "Total and utter Cunt" ?

⁸When Jacob was come into Egypt, and your fathers cried unto the LORD, then the LORD sent Moses and Aaron, which brought forth your fathers out of Egypt, and made them dwell in this place.

You remember Jacob he liked "nocturnal wrestling matches" with messengers from de lard.

⁹And when they forgat the LORD their God, he sold them into the hand of Sisera, captain of the host of Hazor, and into the hand of the Philistines, and into the hand of the king of Moab, and they fought against them.

As previous observations of mine have pointed out, the Israelites were so impressed with the power of de lard that they managed to forget all about it in a few months. I have seen musicians that have had a bigger and more lasting impression on me

¹⁰And they cried unto the LORD, and said, We have sinned, because we have forsaken the LORD, and have served Baalim and Ashtaroth: but now deliver us out of the hand of our enemies, and we will serve thee.

¹¹And the LORD sent Jerubbaal, and Bedan, and Jephthah, and Samuel, and delivered you out of the hand of your enemies on every side, and ye dwelled safe.

Nothing whatever to do with the Ammonites stupidly, offering a merciful compromise, than total destruction. Giving the Israelites time to organise a counter attack.

¹²And when ye saw that Nahash the king of the children of Ammon came against you, ye said unto me, Nay; but a king shall reign over us: when the LORD your God was your king.

¹³Now therefore behold the king whom ye have chosen, and whom ye have desired! and, behold, the LORD hath set a king over you.

And Sam over him, no doubt.

¹⁴If ye will fear the LORD, and serve him, and obey his voice, and not rebel against the commandment of the LORD, then shall both ye and also the king that reigneth over you continue following the LORD your God:

¹⁵But if ye will not obey the voice of the LORD, but rebel against the commandment of the LORD, then shall the hand of the LORD be against you, as it was against your fathers.

Not obey the voice of de lard? How

¹⁶Now therefore stand and see this great thing, which the LORD will do before your eyes.

Great thing? Bet it involves some destruction, a bit of malicious chicanery either by aimple tricks or something natural that any idiot could see was coming.

¹⁷Is it not wheat harvest to day? I will call unto the LORD, and he shall send thunder and rain; that ye may perceive and see that your wickedness is great, which ye have done in the sight of the LORD, in asking you a king.

I wonder which method of divination he used, pine cones or looking up and seeing black clouds heading his way?

¹⁸So Samuel called unto the LORD; and the LORD sent thunder and rain that day: and all the people greatly feared the LORD and Samuel.

In England we have miracles like these all the time, we call it weather.

¹⁹And all the people said unto Samuel, Pray for thy servants unto the LORD thy God, that we die not: for we have added unto all our sins this evil, to ask us a king.

²⁰And Samuel said unto the people, Fear not: ye have done all this wickedness: yet turn not aside from following the LORD, but serve the LORD with all your heart;

Yes they committed the great sin of a democratic decision.

They demanded a King so Sam gave them a King. A king he could manipulate, in more ways than one.

²¹And turn ye not aside: for then should ye go after vain things, which cannot profit nor deliver; for they are vain.

²²For the LORD will not forsake his people for his great name's sake: because it hath pleased the LORD to make you his people.

Till next time he forgets about his chosen ones of course.

²³Moreover as for me, God forbid that I should sin against the LORD in ceasing to pray for you: but I will teach you the good and the right way:

²⁴Only fear the LORD, and serve him in truth with all your heart: for consider how great things he hath done for you.

Like killing 50,000 of them as soon as they got the ark back.

²⁵But if ye shall still do wickedly, ye shall be consumed, both ye and your king.

1 Samuel 11

¹Then Nahash the Ammonite came up, and encamped against Jabeshgilead: and all the men of Jabesh said unto Nahash, Make a covenant with us, and we will serve thee.

Did they or would they have given the Midianites and Canaanites the same consideration when they were on their rampage?

²And Nahash the Ammonite answered them, On this condition will I make a covenant with you, that I may thrust out all your right eyes, and lay it for a reproach upon all Israel.

Seems a bit harsh at first but considering the catalogue of war crimes committed by them, I think that can be regarded as getting off lightly.

³And the elders of Jabesh said unto him, Give us seven days' respite, that we may send messengers unto all the coasts of Israel: and then, if there be no man to save us, we will come out to thee.

Why am I thinking that the Ammonites( could they be Egyptians?)would be better off giving the Israelites a taste of their own medicine and killing every living thing ?

⁴Then came the messengers to Gibeah of Saul, and told the tidings in the ears of the people: and all the people lifted up their voices, and wept.

⁵And, behold, Saul came after the herd out of the field; and Saul said, What aileth the people that they weep? And they told him the tidings of the men of Jabesh.

⁶And the Spirit of God came upon Saul when he heard those tidings, and his anger was kindled greatly.

So de lards holy spirit came on Saul and he was angry? Why is it nowadays that when people apparently have the holy spirit come on them they start jumping around like twats and speaking gibberish.

⁷And he took a yoke of oxen, and hewed them in pieces, and sent them throughout all the coasts of Israel by the hands of messengers, saying, Whosoever cometh not forth after Saul and after Samuel, so shall it be done unto his oxen. And the fear of the LORD fell on the people, and they came out with one consent.

There is still a lot of coming and coming out going on. But I digress, fear of de lard I don't think so. Fear of Sam's Sperm receptacle maybe but unlike Sam I don't think de lard came into it.

⁸And when he numbered them in Bezek, the children of Israel were three hundred thousand, and the men of Judah thirty thousand.

⁹And they said unto the messengers that came, Thus shall ye say unto the men of Jabeshgilead, To morrow, by that time the sun be hot, ye shall have help. And the messengers came and shewed it to the men of Jabesh; and they were glad.

It seems I was right. Does that make me a prophet?

¹⁰Therefore the men of Jabesh said, To morrow we will come out unto you, and ye shall do with us all that seemeth good unto you.

Does that really say that?

Quite a few years ago a well known set of children's books were censored because Noddy had gay curtains and Noddy and Big Ears slept in the same bed. Modern editions say Noddy has cheerful curtains, and of course Noddy and Big Ears no longer share the same bed.

If they can insist this is done for innocent children's books why is the same not done for this seemingly endless catalogue of crimes against humanity?

¹¹And it was so on the morrow, that Saul put the people in three companies; and they came into the midst of the host in the morning watch, and slew the Ammonites until the heat of the day: and it came to pass, that they which remained were scattered, so that two of them were not left together.

So loving thy neighbor, not killing, being nice to strangers and repaying what you owe, not being important commandments then.

¹²And the people said unto Samuel, Who is he that said, Shall Saul reign over us? bring the men, that we may put them to death.

¹³And Saul said, There shall not a man be put to death this day: for to day the LORD hath wrought salvation in Israel.

Well, that proves the things I have been saying over the last few chapters. If Saul is not gay then neither is Elton John.

¹⁴Then said Samuel to the people, Come, and let us go to Gilgal, and renew the kingdom there.

¹⁵And all the people went to Gilgal; and there they made Saul king before the LORD in Gilgal; and there they sacrificed sacrifices of peace offerings before the LORD; and there Saul and all the men of Israel rejoiced greatly.

Yep after a long bloodthirsty battle you can't beat a long bloodthirsty line of sacrificial peace offerings can you.

1 Samuel 10

¹Then Samuel took a vial of oil, and poured it upon his head, and kissed him, and said, Is it not because the LORD hath anointed thee to be captain over his inheritance?

Hope you are remembering this boys and girls first Samuel is full of Samuel breaking the taboos apparently laid down in Leviticus. While Saul is apparently full of Samuel.

²When thou art departed from me to day, then thou shalt find two men by Rachel's sepulchre in the border of Benjamin at Zelzah; and they will say unto thee, The asses which thou wentest to seek are found: and, lo, thy father hath left the care of the asses, and sorroweth for you, saying, What shall I do for my son?

Is that the grave of Jacob's wife?

³Then shalt thou go on forward from thence, and thou shalt come to the plain of Tabor, and there shall meet thee three men going up to God to Bethel, one carrying three kids, and another carrying three loaves of bread, and another carrying a bottle of wine:

⁴And they will salute thee, and give thee two loaves of bread; which thou shalt receive of their hands.

⁵After that thou shalt come to the hill of God, where is the garrison of the Philistines: and it shall come to pass, when thou art come thither to the city, that thou shalt meet a company of prophets coming down from the high place with a psaltery, and a tabret, and a pipe, and a harp, before them; and they shall prophesy:

⁶And the Spirit of the LORD will come upon thee, and thou shalt prophesy with them, and shalt be turned into another man.

⁷And let it be, when these signs are come unto thee, that thou do as occasion serve thee; for God is with thee.

⁸And thou shalt go down before me to Gilgal; and, behold, I will come down unto thee, to offer burnt offerings, and to sacrifice sacrifices of peace offerings: seven days shalt thou tarry, till I come to thee, and shew thee what thou shalt do.

⁹And it was so, that when he had turned his back to go from Samuel, God gave him another heart: and all those signs came to pass that day.

Cool de lard has turned him into a time lord.

¹⁰And when they came thither to the hill, behold, a company of prophets met him; and the Spirit of God came upon him, and he prophesied among them.

Is that a name for a group of prophets, like a gaggle of geese or a wunch of bankers?

¹¹And it came to pass, when all that knew him beforetime saw that, behold, he prophesied among the prophets, then the people said one to another, What is this that is come unto the son of Kish? Is Saul also among the prophets?

No he just had Samuel cum unto him.................... several times

¹²And one of the same place answered and said, But who is their father? Therefore it became a proverb, Is Saul also among the prophets?

Thats twice they asked that question. As prophets go they aren't very good are they?

¹³And when he had made an end of prophesying, he came to the high place.

¹⁴And Saul's uncle said unto him and to his servant, Whither went ye? And he said, To seek the asses: and when we saw that they were no where, we came to Samuel.

Saul's uncle where did he come from? Not so much as an"enters stage left" and there he is.

¹⁵And Saul's uncle said, Tell me, I pray thee, what Samuel said unto you.

Uh, uh , uh,uh,uhggodddyyeessss

¹⁶And Saul said unto his uncle, He told us plainly that the asses were found. But of the matter of the kingdom, whereof Samuel spake, he told him not.

¹⁷And Samuel called the people together unto the LORD to Mizpeh;

Continuity not a big thing in scripture then

¹⁸And said unto the children of Israel, Thus saith the LORD God of Israel, I brought up Israel out of Egypt, and delivered you out of the hand of the Egyptians, and out of the hand of all kingdoms, and of them that oppressed you:

You remember that oppression, the bastard Midianites etc. Oppressing the Israelites by minding their own business, living happily and peacefully in their cities, till the Israelites came along, and with mercy and charity, graciously relieved them of the burden of living.

¹⁹And ye have this day rejected your God, who himself saved you out of all your adversities and your tribulations; and ye have said unto him, Nay, but set a king over us. Now therefore present yourselves before the LORD by your tribes, and by your thousands.

²⁰And when Samuel had caused all the tribes of Israel to come near, the tribe of Benjamin was taken.

The whole tribe, that is some gang bang!

²¹When he had caused the tribe of Benjamin to come near by their families, the family of Matri was taken, and Saul the son of Kish was taken: and when they sought him, he could not be found.

So Samuel or Saul wanked off the whole tribe of Benjamin, Must have been Saul he has probably gone for a lie down. He would need a rest after that. What is hebrew for bukkake?

²²Therefore they enquired of the LORD further, if the man should yet come thither. And the LORD answered, Behold he hath hid himself among the stuff.

I repeat What is hebrew for bukkake?

²³And they ran and fetched him thence: and when he stood among the people, he was higher than any of the people from his shoulders and upward.

²⁴And Samuel said to all the people, See ye him whom the LORD hath chosen, that there is none like him among all the people? And all the people shouted, and said, God save the king.

Has de lard transported every one to England?

²⁵Then Samuel told the people the manner of the kingdom, and wrote it in a book, and laid it up before the LORD. And Samuel sent all the people away, every man to his house.

Did they have books then? I thought it was all scrolls, complete and utter scrolls.

²⁶And Saul also went home to Gibeah; and there went with him a band of men, whose hearts God had touched.

Hearts? Would that be like Captain Beefheart?

²⁷But the children of Belial said, How shall this man save us? And they despised him, and brought no presents. But he held his piece.

Ok they brought him no presents but that is really no reason to start playing with your piece. Makes me wonder though did they have some herbal viagra?

1 Samuel 9

¹Now there was a man of Benjamin, whose name was Kish, the son of Abiel, the son of Zeror, the son of Bechorath, the son of Aphiah, a Benjamite, a mighty man of power.

²And he had a son, whose name was Saul, a choice young man, and a goodly: and there was not among the children of Israel a goodlier person than he: from his shoulders and upward he was higher than any of the people.

If someone said to me "He is a choice young man, he is very goodly" I would assume they were saying "He is gay"

³And the asses of Kish Saul's father were lost. And Kish said to Saul his son, Take now one of the servants with thee, and arise, go seek the asses.

There is another phrase that may have developed into a different meaning over time. But why is a "powerful"man sending his son out to find these asses he did not have the power to stop from either wandering or being stolen?

⁴And he passed through mount Ephraim, and passed through the land of Shalisha, but they found them not: then they passed through the land of Shalim, and there they were not: and he passed through the land of the Benjamites, but they found them not.

⁵And when they were come to the land of Zuph, Saul said to his servant that was with him, Come, and let us return; lest my father leave caring for the asses, and take thought for us.

⁶And he said unto him, Behold now, there is in this city a man of God, and he is an honourable man; all that he saith cometh surely to pass: now let us go thither; peradventure he can shew us our way that we should go.

⁷Then said Saul to his servant, But, behold, if we go, what shall we bring the man? for the bread is spent in our vessels, and there is not a present to bring to the man of God: what have we?

So the servant suggests that Sam can tell where these asses are, and then mentions he must be paid for doing the work of de lard. Perhaps goodly does not mean gay but means stupid.

⁸And the servant answered Saul again, and said, Behold, I have here at hand the fourth part of a shekel of silver: that will I give to the man of God, to tell us our way.

Again, the servant has money but the son of a "man of power" just has half shares in some stale bread. I smell some thing fishy here, someone, somewhere, is conning someone.

⁹(Beforetime in Israel, when a man went to enquire of God, thus he spake, Come, and let us go to the seer: for he that is now called a Prophet was beforetime called a Seer.)

¹⁰Then said Saul to his servant, Well said; come, let us go. So they went unto the city where the man of God was.

¹¹And as they went up the hill to the city, they found young maidens going out to draw water, and said unto them, Is the seer here?

¹²And they answered them, and said, He is; behold, he is before you: make haste now, for he came to day to the city; for there is a sacrifice of the people to day in the high place:

¹³As soon as ye be come into the city, ye shall straightway find him, before he go up to the high place to eat: for the people will not eat until he come, because he doth bless the sacrifice; and afterwards they eat that be bidden. Now therefore get you up; for about this time ye shall find him.

¹⁴And they went up into the city: and when they were come into the city, behold, Samuel came out against them, for to go up to the high place.

¹⁵Now the LORD had told Samuel in his ear a day before Saul came, saying,

¹⁶To morrow about this time I will send thee a man out of the land of Benjamin, and thou shalt anoint him to be captain over my people Israel, that he may save my people out of the hand of the Philistines: for I have looked upon my people, because their cry is come unto me.

Another example of the power of prophecy written down after the fact. As I have already asked "Why did de lard with all his infinite power and wisdom, not harm the philistines(apart from being a major pain in the arse) when they had the ark of the covenant in their possession.

You remember the ark, the symbol that de lard was never going to be a bastard to his chosen people again. That he got Moses to make with him, after he had broken the same covenant he made with Abraham

The golden object that requires special handling or it will cause the death of all that touch it.

The artifact that fell into philistine hands and was retained for seven months killing not one philistine, but did manage to make a statuette of Moloch fall over.

The same box that almost immediately killed 50,000 Israelites on its return to its rightful place.

What was that again about that covenant

¹⁷And when Samuel saw Saul, the LORD said unto him, Behold the man whom I spake to thee of! this same shall reign over my people.

¹⁸Then Saul drew near to Samuel in the gate, and said, Tell me, I pray thee, where the seer's house is.

¹⁹And Samuel answered Saul, and said, I am the seer: go up before me unto the high place; for ye shall eat with me to day, and to morrow I will let thee go, and will tell thee all that is in thine heart.

My my, Sam is a fast worker. First dinner, then you are spending the night with me.

²⁰And as for thine asses that were lost three days ago, set not thy mind on them; for they are found. And on whom is all the desire of Israel? Is it not on thee, and on all thy father's house?

So the asses are back home and the neo king of Israel says Israel desires Saul. Perhaps leviticus 18:22 had not yet been written.

²¹And Saul answered and said, Am not I a Benjamite, of the smallest of the tribes of Israel? and my family the least of all the families of the tribe of Benjamin? wherefore then speakest thou so to me?

²²And Samuel took Saul and his servant, and brought them into the parlour, and made them sit in the chiefest place among them that were bidden, which were about thirty persons.

The cheifiest place? This has got to be the campest chapter yet in all the books Iced so far.

²³And Samuel said unto the cook, Bring the portion which I gave thee, of which I said unto thee, Set it by thee.

²⁴And the cook took up the shoulder, and that which was upon it, and set it before Saul. And Samuel said, Behold that which is left! set it before thee, and eat: for unto this time hath it been kept for thee since I said, I have invited the people. So Saul did eat with Samuel that day.

Eat his Portion ?

²⁵And when they were come down from the high place into the city, Samuel communed with Saul upon the top of the house.

²⁶And they arose early: and it came to pass about the spring of the day, that Samuel called Saul to the top of the house, saying, Up, that I may send thee away. And Saul arose, and they went out both of them, he and Samuel, abroad.

²⁷And as they were going down to the end of the city, Samuel said to Saul, Bid the servant pass on before us, (and he passed on), but stand thou still a while, that I may shew thee the word of God.

What was all this about de lard not liking gay sex?

1 Samuel 8

¹And it came to pass, when Samuel was old, that he made his sons judges over Israel.

I suspect the words "And it came to pass" actually mean the following is bullshit.

²Now the name of his firstborn was Joel; and the name of his second, Abiah: they were judges in Beersheba.

³And his sons walked not in his ways, but turned aside after lucre, and took bribes, and perverted judgment.

There are more than a few like that nowadays

⁴Then all the elders of Israel gathered themselves together, and came to Samuel unto Ramah,

⁵And said unto him, Behold, thou art old, and thy sons walk not in thy ways: now make us a king to judge us like all the nations.

⁶But the thing displeased Samuel, when they said, Give us a king to judge us. And Samuel prayed unto the LORD.

⁷And the LORD said unto Samuel, Hearken unto the voice of the people in all that they say unto thee: for they have not rejected thee, but they have rejected me, that I should not reign over them.

Have I got this right.

Sam, invoking his right of nepotism gives his sons the best jobs he can and they prove to be corrupt. The people complain to him and he asks de lard for his take on the matter. De lard decides that it is all about him.

Now if that scenario doesn't convince anyone that even if the hateful bastard did exist then he is as batshit crazy as it's possible to be, and then some.

Or I think more realistically it's Sam's way of saying "Fuck off and leave me alone, I'm an old man you know"

⁸According to all the works which they have done since the day that I brought them up out of Egypt even unto this day, wherewith they have forsaken me, and served other gods, so do they also unto thee.

⁹Now therefore hearken unto their voice: howbeit yet protest solemnly unto them, and shew them the manner of the king that shall reign over them.

So it is all the fault of the people but Sam must listen to them ?

¹⁰And Samuel told all the words of the LORD unto the people that asked of him a king.

¹¹And he said, This will be the manner of the king that shall reign over you: He will take your sons, and appoint them for himself, for his chariots, and to be his horsemen; and some shall run before his chariots.

¹²And he will appoint him captains over thousands, and captains over fifties; and will set them to ear his ground, and to reap his harvest, and to make his instruments of war, and instruments of his chariots.

¹³And he will take your daughters to be confectionaries, and to be cooks, and to be bakers.

Note. not confectioners, How sweet.

¹⁴And he will take your fields, and your vineyards, and your oliveyards, even the best of them, and give them to his servants.

¹⁵And he will take the tenth of your seed, and of your vineyards, and give to his officers, and to his servants.

¹⁶And he will take your menservants, and your maidservants, and your goodliest young men, and your asses, and put them to his work.

¹⁷He will take the tenth of your sheep: and ye shall be his servants.

¹⁸And ye shall cry out in that day because of your king which ye shall have chosen you; and the LORD will not hear you in that day.

¹⁹Nevertheless the people refused to obey the voice of Samuel; and they said, Nay; but we will have a king over us;

²⁰That we also may be like all the nations; and that our king may judge us, and go out before us, and fight our battles.

Is this democracy trying to raise it's head, a choice to make an inherently corrupt priesthood with corrupt judges or a designated "King" as all south park watchers will know The choice is always between a giant douche-bag and a Turd sandwich

²¹And Samuel heard all the words of the people, and he rehearsed them in the ears of the LORD.

Is that because the all knowing .all seeing one managed to miss a major event in the social development of his chosen people?

²²And the LORD said to Samuel, Hearken unto their voice, and make them a king. And Samuel said unto the men of Israel, Go ye every man unto his city.

1 Samuel 7

¹And the men of Kirjathjearim came, and fetched up the ark of the LORD, and brought it into the house of Abinadab in the hill, and sanctified Eleazar his son to keep the ark of the LORD.

²And it came to pass, while the ark abode in Kirjathjearim, that the time was long; for it was twenty years: and all the house of Israel lamented after the LORD.

³And Samuel spake unto all the house of Israel, saying, If ye do return unto the LORD with all your hearts, then put away the strange gods and Ashtaroth from among you, and prepare your hearts unto the LORD, and serve him only: and he will deliver you out of the hand of the Philistines.

⁴Then the children of Israel did put away Baalim and Ashtaroth, and served the LORD only.

For a god that professes to be the only god there sure are a lot of others he seems to feel are on equal ground to him. Why else would he always want them to be put away and their idols destroyed?

⁵And Samuel said, Gather all Israel to Mizpeh, and I will pray for you unto the LORD.

⁶And they gathered together to Mizpeh, and drew water, and poured it out before the LORD, and fasted on that day, and said there, We have sinned against the LORD. And Samuel judged the children of Israel in Mizpeh.

⁷And when the Philistines heard that the children of Israel were gathered together to Mizpeh, the lords of the Philistines went up against Israel. And when the children of Israel heard it, they were afraid of the Philistines.

⁸And the children of Israel said to Samuel, Cease not to cry unto the LORD our God for us, that he will save us out of the hand of the Philistines.

Things may not have been so bad if de lard had the foresight not to kill fifty thousand when they recovered the ark

⁹And Samuel took a sucking lamb, and offered it for a burnt offering wholly unto the LORD: and Samuel cried unto the LORD for Israel; and the LORD heard him.

¹⁰And as Samuel was offering up the burnt offering, the Philistines drew near to battle against Israel: but the LORD thundered with a great thunder on that day upon the Philistines, and discomfited them; and they were smitten before Israel.

Real thunder? Kill a lamb and it rains now surely if that where true then israel would not be the arid place it is. Or if de lard actually did exist, and looked after his chosen ones.

¹¹And the men of Israel went out of Mizpeh, and pursued the Philistines, and smote them, until they came under Bethcar.

¹²Then Samuel took a stone, and set it between Mizpeh and Shen, and called the name of it Ebenezer, saying, Hitherto hath the LORD helped us.

¹³So the Philistines were subdued, and they came no more into the coast of Israel: and the hand of the LORD was against the Philistines all the days of Samuel.

¹⁴And the cities which the Philistines had taken from Israel were restored to Israel, from Ekron even unto Gath; and the coasts thereof did Israel deliver out of the hands of the Philistines. And there was peace between Israel and the Amorites.

So there we have it , yet another unverifiable account of a battle of unknown size.

Now that is over we have the end tag

¹⁵And Samuel judged Israel all the days of his life.

¹⁶And he went from year to year in circuit to Bethel, and Gilgal, and Mizpeh, and judged Israel in all those places.

¹⁷And his return was to Ramah; for there was his house; and there he judged Israel; and there he built an altar unto the LORD.