Judges 6

¹And the children of Israel did evil in the sight of the LORD: and the LORD delivered them into the hand of Midian seven years.

²And the hand of Midian prevailed against Israel: and because of the Midianites the children of Israel made them the dens which are in the mountains, and caves, and strong holds.

³And so it was, when Israel had sown, that the Midianites came up, and the Amalekites, and the children of the east, even they came up against them;

I thought we we told they murdered many Midianites, not to mention assassinating all the Amelakites.

⁴And they encamped against them, and destroyed the increase of the earth, till thou come unto Gaza, and left no sustenance for Israel, neither sheep, nor ox, nor ass.

⁵For they came up with their cattle and their tents, and they came as grasshoppers for multitude; for both they and their camels were without number: and they entered into the land to destroy it.

⁶And Israel was greatly impoverished because of the Midianites; and the children of Israel cried unto the LORD.

Oh I see! They had to buy food

⁷And it came to pass, when the children of Israel cried unto the LORD because of the Midianites,

⁸That the LORD sent a prophet unto the children of Israel, which said unto them, Thus saith the LORD God of Israel, I brought you up from Egypt, and brought you forth out of the house of bondage;

⁹And I delivered you out of the hand of the Egyptians, and out of the hand of all that oppressed you, and drave them out from before you, and gave you their land;

Here we are only a few books in and whenever I see the word "Prophet" my mind reads "Shit stirring psychotic psychopath"

¹⁰And I said unto you, I am the LORD your God; fear not the gods of the Amorites, in whose land ye dwell: but ye have not obeyed my voice.

¹¹And there came an angel of the LORD, and sat under an oak which was in Ophrah, that pertained unto Joash the Abiezrite: and his son Gideon threshed wheat by the winepress, to hide it from the Midianites.

¹²And the angel of the LORD appeared unto him, and said unto him, The LORD is with thee, thou mighty man of valour.

I think somebody has had too much of the wine, nowaday's it would mostly be pink elephants or aliens

¹³And Gideon said unto him, Oh my Lord, if the LORD be with us, why then is all this befallen us? and where be all his miracles which our fathers told us of, saying, Did not the LORD bring us up from Egypt? but now the LORD hath forsaken us, and delivered us into the hands of the Midianites.

¹⁴And the LORD looked upon him, and said, Go in this thy might, and thou shalt save Israel from the hand of the Midianites: have not I sent thee?

¹⁵And he said unto him, Oh my Lord, wherewith shall I save Israel? behold, my family is poor in Manasseh, and I am the least in my father's house.

¹⁶And the LORD said unto him, Surely I will be with thee, and thou shalt smite the Midianites as one man.

Yup he is so pissed that he is now talking directly to god not the angel.

¹⁷And he said unto him, If now I have found grace in thy sight, then shew me a sign that thou talkest with me.

¹⁸Depart not hence, I pray thee, until I come unto thee, and bring forth my present, and set it before thee. And he said, I will tarry until thou come again.

¹⁹And Gideon went in, and made ready a kid, and unleavened cakes of an ephah of flour: the flesh he put in a basket, and he put the broth in a pot, and brought it out unto him under the oak, and presented it.

Is this yet another verse that inspires predatory paedophile priests ?

²⁰And the angel of God said unto him, Take the flesh and the unleavened cakes, and lay them upon this rock, and pour out the broth. And he did so.

²¹Then the angel of the LORD put forth the end of the staff that was in his hand, and touched the flesh and the unleavened cakes; and there rose up fire out of the rock, and consumed the flesh and the unleavened cakes. Then the angel of the LORD departed out of his sight.

Back to magic tricks

²²And when Gideon perceived that he was an angel of the LORD, Gideon said, Alas, O LORD God! for because I have seen an angel of the LORD face to face.

²³And the LORD said unto him, Peace be unto thee; fear not: thou shalt not die.

²⁴Then Gideon built an altar there unto the LORD, and called it Jehovahshalom: unto this day it is yet in Ophrah of the Abiezrites.

²⁵And it came to pass the same night, that the LORD said unto him, Take thy father's young bullock, even the second bullock of seven years old, and throw down the altar of Baal that thy father hath, and cut down the grove that is by it:

²⁶And build an altar unto the LORD thy God upon the top of this rock, in the ordered place, and take the second bullock, and offer a burnt sacrifice with the wood of the grove which thou shalt cut down.

²⁷Then Gideon took ten men of his servants, and did as the LORD had said unto him: and so it was, because he feared his father's household, and the men of the city, that he could not do it by day, that he did it by night.

²⁸And when the men of the city arose early in the morning, behold, the altar of Baal was cast down, and the grove was cut down that was by it, and the second bullock was offered upon the altar that was built.

So after being told there was no sheep or oxen and that Gideons family is poor we are told his family has at least ten servants and he is able to sacrifice a kid and a seven year old bullock.

Somebody is twisting the truth a little bit here.

²⁹And they said one to another, Who hath done this thing? And when they enquired and asked, they said, Gideon the son of Joash hath done this thing.

³⁰Then the men of the city said unto Joash, Bring out thy son, that he may die: because he hath cast down the altar of Baal, and because he hath cut down the grove that was by it.

So they are more upset because he attacked a pile of stones and a few trees not that he wasted food......I think they should all take a little less sun.

³¹And Joash said unto all that stood against him, Will ye plead for Baal? will ye save him? he that will plead for him, let him be put to death whilst it is yet morning: if he be a god, let him plead for himself, because one hath cast down his altar.

Because our imaginary friend is better than your imaginary friend

³²Therefore on that day he called him Jerubbaal, saying, Let Baal plead against him, because he hath thrown down his altar.

³³Then all the Midianites and the Amalekites and the children of the east were gathered together, and went over, and pitched in the valley of Jezreel.

³⁴But the Spirit of the LORD came upon Gideon, and he blew a trumpet; and Abiezer was gathered after him.

It must be true he blew a trumpet

³⁵And he sent messengers throughout all Manasseh; who also was gathered after him: and he sent messengers unto Asher, and unto Zebulun, and unto Naphtali; and they came up to meet them.

³⁶And Gideon said unto God, If thou wilt save Israel by mine hand, as thou hast said,

³⁷Behold, I will put a fleece of wool in the floor; and if the dew be on the fleece only, and it be dry upon all the earth beside, then shall I know that thou wilt save Israel by mine hand, as thou hast said.

³⁸And it was so: for he rose up early on the morrow, and thrust the fleece together, and wringed the dew out of the fleece, a bowl full of water.

³⁹And Gideon said unto God, Let not thine anger be hot against me, and I will speak but this once: let me prove, I pray thee, but this once with the fleece; let it now be dry only upon the fleece, and upon all the ground let there be dew.

Again more cheap parlour tricks

⁴⁰And God did so that night: for it was dry upon the fleece only, and there was dew on all the ground.

Judges 5

Well if you read the last chapter there really isn't much point reading this one.

It is just a different narrative of the same events.

¹Then sang Deborah and Barak the son of Abinoam on that day, saying,

²Praise ye the LORD for the avenging of Israel, when the people willingly offered themselves.

³Hear, O ye kings; give ear, O ye princes; I, even I, will sing unto the LORD; I will sing praise to the LORD God of Israel.

⁴LORD, when thou wentest out of Seir, when thou marchedst out of the field of Edom, the earth trembled, and the heavens dropped, the clouds also dropped water.

⁵The mountains melted from before the LORD, even that Sinai from before the LORD God of Israel.

⁶In the days of Shamgar the son of Anath, in the days of Jael, the highways were unoccupied, and the travellers walked through byways.

⁷The inhabitants of the villages ceased, they ceased in Israel, until that I Deborah arose, that I arose a mother in Israel.

⁸They chose new gods; then was war in the gates: was there a shield or spear seen among forty thousand in Israel?

⁹My heart is toward the governors of Israel, that offered themselves willingly among the people. Bless ye the LORD.

¹⁰Speak, ye that ride on white asses, ye that sit in judgment, and walk by the way.

¹¹They that are delivered from the noise of archers in the places of drawing water, there shall they rehearse the righteous acts of the LORD, even the righteous acts toward the inhabitants of his villages in Israel: then shall the people of the LORD go down to the gates.

¹²Awake, awake, Deborah: awake, awake, utter a song: arise, Barak, and lead thy captivity captive, thou son of Abinoam.

¹³Then he made him that remaineth have dominion over the nobles among the people: the LORD made me have dominion over the mighty.

¹⁴Out of Ephraim was there a root of them against Amalek; after thee, Benjamin, among thy people; out of Machir came down governors, and out of Zebulun they that handle the pen of the writer.

¹⁵And the princes of Issachar were with Deborah; even Issachar, and also Barak: he was sent on foot into the valley. For the divisions of Reuben there were great thoughts of heart.

¹⁶Why abodest thou among the sheepfolds, to hear the bleatings of the flocks? For the divisions of Reuben there were great searchings of heart.

¹⁷Gilead abode beyond Jordan: and why did Dan remain in ships? Asher continued on the sea shore, and abode in his breaches.

¹⁸Zebulun and Naphtali were a people that jeoparded their lives unto the death in the high places of the field.

¹⁹The kings came and fought, then fought the kings of Canaan in Taanach by the waters of Megiddo; they took no gain of money.

²⁰They fought from heaven; the stars in their courses fought against Sisera.

²¹The river of Kishon swept them away, that ancient river, the river Kishon. O my soul, thou hast trodden down strength.

²²Then were the horsehoofs broken by the means of the pransings, the pransings of their mighty ones.

²³Curse ye Meroz, said the angel of the LORD, curse ye bitterly the inhabitants thereof; because they came not to the help of the LORD, to the help of the LORD against the mighty.

²⁴Blessed above women shall Jael the wife of Heber the Kenite be, blessed shall she be above women in the tent.

²⁵He asked water, and she gave him milk; she brought forth butter in a lordly dish.

²⁶She put her hand to the nail, and her right hand to the workmen's hammer; and with the hammer she smote Sisera, she smote off his head, when she had pierced and stricken through his temples.

²⁷At her feet he bowed, he fell, he lay down: at her feet he bowed, he fell: where he bowed, there he fell down dead.

²⁸The mother of Sisera looked out at a window, and cried through the lattice, Why is his chariot so long in coming? why tarry the wheels of his chariots?

²⁹Her wise ladies answered her, yea, she returned answer to herself,

³⁰Have they not sped? have they not divided the prey; to every man a damsel or two; to Sisera a prey of divers colours, a prey of divers colours of needlework, of divers colours of needlework on both sides, meet for the necks of them that take the spoil?

³¹So let all thine enemies perish, O LORD: but let them that love him be as the sun when he goeth forth in his might. And the land had rest forty years.

Judges 4

Judges 4

¹And the children of Israel again did evil in the sight of the LORD, when Ehud was dead.

So they were doing good in de lards eyes as long as they have a murderer or assasin in or around thier higher echelons.........Oooohhhhh! Can you feel the love ?

²And the LORD sold them into the hand of Jabin king of Canaan, that reigned in Hazor; the captain of whose host was Sisera, which dwelt in Harosheth of the Gentiles.

So ...the the evil Canaanites capture a city and allow it's people to live whereas the good god fearing israelites have to prove their goodness and earn gods rewarding love by slaughtering every last living thing.

³And the children of Israel cried unto the LORD: for he had nine hundred chariots of iron; and twenty years he mightily oppressed the children of Israel.

And when they are captured all they can do for twenty years is to cry about it!

⁴And Deborah, a prophetess, the wife of Lapidoth, she judged Israel at that time.

A woman! fuck me !

⁵And she dwelt under the palm tree of Deborah between Ramah and Bethel in mount Ephraim: and the children of Israel came up to her for judgment.

⁶And she sent and called Barak the son of Abinoam out of Kedeshnaphtali, and said unto him, Hath not the LORD God of Israel commanded, saying, Go and draw toward mount Tabor, and take with thee ten thousand men of the children of Naphtali and of the children of Zebulun?

⁷And I will draw unto thee to the river Kishon Sisera, the captain of Jabin's army, with his chariots and his multitude; and I will deliver him into thine hand.

⁸And Barak said unto her, If thou wilt go with me, then I will go: but if thou wilt not go with me, then I will not go.

What ? She is offering freedom of the mans people but he won't go unless she is there to hold his hand.

⁹And she said, I will surely go with thee: notwithstanding the journey that thou takest shall not be for thine honour; for the LORD shall sell Sisera into the hand of a woman. And Deborah arose, and went with Barak to Kedesh.

¹⁰And Barak called Zebulun and Naphtali to Kedesh; and he went up with ten thousand men at his feet: and Deborah went up with him.

¹¹Now Heber the Kenite, which was of the children of Hobab the father in law of Moses, had severed himself from the Kenites, and pitched his tent unto the plain of Zaanaim, which is by Kedesh.

We were told Moses only had one wife and she was a Midianite

We were told Moses only had one wife and she was a Ethiopian

We were told Moses only had one wife and her father was Jethro

We were told Moses only had one wife and her father was Ruel

I have asked before whether these point to mistakes or whether Moses is not a name but a title ...Or it might just have been that the mother of Zipporah was a slut and didn't know where her father was from.

¹²And they shewed Sisera that Barak the son of Abinoam was gone up to mount Tabor.

¹³And Sisera gathered together all his chariots, even nine hundred chariots of iron, and all the people that were with him, from Harosheth of the Gentiles unto the river of Kishon.

¹⁴And Deborah said unto Barak, Up; for this is the day in which the LORD hath delivered Sisera into thine hand: is not the LORD gone out before thee? So Barak went down from mount Tabor, and ten thousand men after him.

Well what a surprise ! these Israelites love a fair fight......one with odds of over ten to one is fair in their eyes.

¹⁵And the LORD discomfited Sisera, and all his chariots, and all his host, with the edge of the sword before Barak; so that Sisera lighted down off his chariot, and fled away on his feet.

¹⁶But Barak pursued after the chariots, and after the host, unto Harosheth of the Gentiles: and all the host of Sisera fell upon the edge of the sword; and there was not a man left.

More about the mercy of de lard later no doubt.

¹⁷Howbeit Sisera fled away on his feet to the tent of Jael the wife of Heber the Kenite: for there was peace between Jabin the king of Hazor and the house of Heber the Kenite.

¹⁸And Jael went out to meet Sisera, and said unto him, Turn in, my lord, turn in to me; fear not. And when he had turned in unto her into the tent, she covered him with a mantle.

You would be right in thinking if a bird invites you into her tent you're gonna get nailed.

¹⁹And he said unto her, Give me, I pray thee, a little water to drink; for I am thirsty. And she opened a bottle of milk, and gave him drink, and covered him.

²⁰Again he said unto her, Stand in the door of the tent, and it shall be, when any man doth come and enquire of thee, and say, Is there any man here? that thou shalt say, No.

But not in the way he expected.

²¹Then Jael Heber's wife took a nail of the tent, and took an hammer in her hand, and went softly unto him, and smote the nail into his temples, and fastened it into the ground: for he was fast asleep and weary. So he died.

Don't you just love that"so he died" No shit !

²²And, behold, as Barak pursued Sisera, Jael came out to meet him, and said unto him, Come, and I will shew thee the man whom thou seekest. And when he came into her tent, behold, Sisera lay dead, and the nail was in his temples.

²³So God subdued on that day Jabin the king of Canaan before the children of Israel.

²⁴And the hand of the children of Israel prospered, and prevailed against Jabin the king of Canaan, until they had destroyed Jabin king of Canaan.